100in12

so here we are.

2011-12-19T19:46:00.000-05:00

thank you for your comments on the last post...i didn't realize how much my anti-depressants were working until i stopped taking them. and what do you know, (un)surprisingly, now that i've been back on them for a month, i am doing much better. certainly not at the top of my game, but i'm trying.

i have been in therapy since april. but from april until about...october, i was mainly spending my 45-50 minutes talking about the guy i had been dating at the end of 2010 and took a job overseas. that's a whole rollercoaster that no one needs to go on ever again, but the point is that i really wasn't focusing on ME. and now i'm trying to do that. it's actually difficult. i didn't think it would be this tough to stay focused on my own happiness.

i got an email on the 28th of november about a black friday deal at my gym - if you sign up for personal training, you don't have to pay monthly membership fees. so i took a leap and signed up, for a 30 minute session once a week...for a year. i've been, what, 3 times now? i still get really anxious the day of, and dread it all day, but ultimately i'm happy that i signed up. my trainer is nice, patient, supportive, and pushes me but not to the point of perfection. and at least this week, i've been motivated enough to go a few more times on my own. so it's good and i'm trying to take it little by little.

i've been eating better, but of course have my downfalls. i haven't gotten on a scale in a few weeks. i don't want it to be about that. do i want to know if i lost two pounds or five? you bet your ass i do. but going to the gym and taking my wellbutrin and seeing a therapist every other week isn't about losing pounds. it's about being healthy. yes i know that means weighing less, but i want that to happen because i'm doing things for the sake of my well being, if that makes sense. it's a necessary and delightful side effect, or something.

so anyway. i'm trying. can i lighten things up a bit now, also? i'm a happy person, damnit. and yeah, i'm going through a lot but i still know how to laugh, for christ's sake.

*florence + the machine's new album is awesome.
*spotify premium is awesome.
*my christmas rap playlist is awesome.
*i am getting a promotion at work. awesome.

awesome thing i did today:

so that dude, the guy i mentioned up above, i wrote a post a few months ago that i walked away. well, he got in contact with me and apologized, and i gave him a second chance. and then he went and treated me the same exact way. so today i cut it off again, for good this time. and i was in the midst of eating pizza and ice cream, but stopped myself halfway through, threw away the remaining food, and went to the gym.

feeling down.

2011-11-13T18:48:00.001-05:00

I know nobody reads this because I have been MIA, but in advance please forgive this post for sounding overly only-child-ish and stream-of-consciousness-ish.

I'm not doing great. The only positive thing I've got going health wise is a self-imposed ban on all non-grocery store foods. Of course that still doesn't keep me from buying and eating ice cream like four times a day. But at least I'm not eating (nor wasting money on) unhealthy delivery food. But that is neither here nor there, at the moment.

I used to feel like I had a spark. A mischevious light inside of me that held my hope, my optimism, my sense of levity. It's gone and I am scared to death that I can't get it back. That voice, that feeling that told me "you will find your place, you have something special to contribute to the world, you are going to thrive and be happy"....gone. Not a trace of it anymore.

Maybe I only had so much. Whatever a person has to make them keep fighting and trying to find their way, maybe a person only has so much fight in them and I feel like I'm at my limit. I've already wasted what I had, so now what?

I feel so lost and hopeless and lonely. It takes all of my effort to shower, and truth be told I haven't done that in about 4 days. I'm scaring the shit out of myself, to be honest. But I don't feel the reason to pick myself back up, I just don't. That place where those feelings used to come from, it seems dried up and I don't know what to do.

words to remember.

2011-08-17T15:07:00.000-04:00

i've got about a million posts to write. weight updates (it's going well), habits i have that i like, a manifesto (!) that my friend/coworker and i wrote, an interesting conversation with my mom...emotions and food and issues, oh my.

but for now, i want to tell you that i am proud of myself. i broke up with bill today. it was long overdue, but i walked away because i was miserable. i don't deserve to feel wrong for being a loving, caring person that can open her heart and trust and love and find happiness and satisfaction in making others happy. i am proud for standing up for myself and nurturing those traits.

I am going to make up for my absence with pictures? Maybe?

2011-08-07T14:01:00.000-04:00

So it's been a while. Ups and downs, amazing places, bad food and good food. But today I'm in a pretty good place, all things considered. So here are some pictures.

In June my dear friend from high school got married to a lovely girl from the Czech Republic; so a handful of us went over for the wedding. After a few days in Pilsen, I departed for Rome for 3 days on my own. It was spectacular.

I saw and ate amazingly wonderful things.

I went to California a month later for my godbrother's wedding, and to meet my godsister's new baby. I don't have any pictures from that...oops? But it was great.

After I got back I wasn't feeling great, I was spending too much money on delivery (and too many calories, natch) food and I was just feeling physically (and emotionally) weighed down.

So the past couple of weeks, I've been doing better. If you follow me on twitter you can see that I just synced an app (Noom, for Android) I have that tracks your exercise and meals. Even if it's just walking, it tracks you via GPS which is brilliant. The meals thing is interesting, and I use it as more of an estimate b/c I am also keeping a Food/Mood journal as part of therapy.

I am hesitant about exercise, because I have this idea in my head (especially with sharing it on Twitter) that I have to be running 5 miles and lifting weights for an hour and be "proud" of my exercise and compete with everyone else. That walking for 20 or 30 minutes isn't good enough. Because I CAN run, even for short periods of time, but I'm embarrassed that I'm so limited. And I'm not competitive when it comes to fitness, I don't have any fitness-related goals, really. I just want to be healthy and weigh less. I have Noom set up for me to weigh 150 pounds, which, is really lofty, I know. But I'm just taking it day by day, and trying to keep my office and home stocked with healthy things that take little or no time to put together.

Including, my version of a McGriddle:

That is 1 piece of Arnold's Double Fiber bread, 1 piece of Sorrento's Cheddar/Mozarella cheese, egg substitute, 1 Jimmy Dean Turkey sausage, and 1 TBSP of Hungry Jack syrup on the bread. It's much better calorie and fat content-wise, but of course, healthier breakfasts exist :) But it's an enjoyable breakfast!

I'm having some work and relationship woes (the dude overseas in Iraq...that whole mess is still in existence) but I'm really trying so hard not to turn to food. There are days where I want to come home and burrow in my couch and order too much Thai food. But this past week I've stopped myself. Sometimes the incentive of saving money overrides the health aspect, but I'll take it either way.

I weighed myself last week, Monday I think? And I was at 238.2. So I'll probably check again tomorrow or Tuesday (and update in Noom, of course) and see how it goes. I just want to take it day by day and be grateful for what I have.

i am not clever today. but while i'm here, you know what's awesome? Girl Talk. the end. continue reading.

2011-06-18T12:38:00.000-04:00

This morning I went to therapy, and brought a breakfast of oatmeal and blueberries and tea with me. Then I had therapy, and of course, cried, like I always do. Then I went to yoga, sweated a LOT (and it wasn’t even hot yoga :-P) and at the end, cried a little too. Something about taking all the bad energy out and replacing it with good made me realize how MUCH bad energy and negative thoughts I have right now.

I am almost wholly unhappy. And I will admit to having a tough time seeing the brighter side. I know there is one, and I’m smart enough to know that I am lucky enough to have things that others don’t. But I’m internally unhappy. I can’t remember the last time I genuinely laughed, like that kind of laugh that comes from your core and is pure happiness emanating from you.

But I’m trying. The wellbutrin is fine – I feel like I’ve evened out now, I don’t feel that “ENERGYOMFGLOLZBBQLMNOP!@#” that I did in the beginning, which was probably psychosomatic. Which is fine. But it helps me by allowing me not to spend any of my positive energy forcing myself to shower, brush my teeth, talk to people…that feels more natural and I can try and focus some positivity towards myself….if that makes sense. Too much therapy-talk? Maybe. Is this a LOT of navel-gazing? Probably.

So…things aren’t great. But I’m trying. I ate a good breakfast, and I’m doing yoga once a week, and over time I want to build it up to 2 times, maybe 3 if I can afford it. And my counselor had me order a book about eating disorders (mine being emotional eating and some binge eating – never purging, but still the binge eating) so I hope I can do some hard work there and have a better relationship with food. And with myself.

A few weeks ago I weighed myself and I was 238. And yesterday I weighed myself and I was 234. So I’m happy about that. But I’m being careful not to feel or think that “THIS IS IT! This is THE time that it works! I’m on my way and never looking back!” Do I want that? Of course I do. But I’m trying to be careful with myself this time around.

I say a lot of things and never actually do them. I’m trying the reverse this time, I guess.

I miss you guys.

Q&A

2011-05-20T09:52:00.000-04:00

Q: Soooo where have you been, missy?

A: Um, generally hiding and being unhappy with life.

Q: Have you been eating well?

A: Do you consider a new obsession with McGriddles “well”?

Q: What about exercising?

A: The five minute walk from the metro to my office (and back again) and walking up the escalators.

Q: So…no, is what you’re saying.

A: Yeah, no.

Q: How much do you weigh?

A: Somewhere in the 230-240 range is my guess. I haven’t weighed myself in a few weeks, and that was many sausage, egg, cheese on a croissants ago, so it’s anybody’s guess.

Q: What’s your deal with breakfast sandwiches?

A: I don’t know, man, I don’t know.

Q: So what brings you here anyway?

A: A lack of motivation to do work on a Friday?

Q: No but really.

A: To say that, I went to the doctor a few times and found out I have borderline high cholesterol, so, I actually do need to eat better, McGriddles aside.

Q: How many McGriddles have you had!?

A: Actually just one, yesterday morning. But holy hell was it amazing.

Q: Anything else you’d like to share?

A: Yeah. Wellbutrin. I mean, I don’t want to share my stash but I started taking it yesterday. Between a really mentally/emotionally unhealthy work environment and my weight gain due to stress and emotional eating, I’m really unhappy…and I’ve been seeing a therapist for about a month which has been great but I need some extra help. Plus Wellbutrin is a stimulant and an appetite suppressant…

Q: Do you want Wellbutrin to do all the diet and exercise work for you?

A: Yep.

Q: You realize that’s ridiculous.

A: Yep.

Q: Well how do you feel so far?

A: Um, I’m sure a lot of it is only psychosomatic at this point, but, I feel good. It feels like I have more energy to do the basic things like…showering, brushing my teeth, cooking for myself, that were a struggle to do before, which were fairly clear signs of depression. And whether it’s psychosomatic or actually working, I’ll take it either way.

Q: Yeah that’s true. Well good!

A: Thank you. I was initially scared to admit that I might need it, and it felt like I was admitting that something is fundamentally wrong with me – even though counseling has taught me better, I still have perfectionist tendencies and I have issues with something being “wrong” with me. But I’m an adult and it’s my job to make myself feel better, so I’m trying.

Q: That sounds reasonable.

A: Sure, I guess. We’ll see in a couple of weeks when it takes effect.

Q: So, a low-cholesterol diet, hm?

A: IT’S LIKE THEY’RE TAKING AWAY MY HAPPINESS.

Q: Whoa there tiger.

A: I’m sorry, I know.

Q: Is this still about McGriddles?

A: THEY HAVE LITTLE TINY POCKETS OF MAPLE SYRUP THAT BLEND IN WITH THE SAVORY FLAVORS! IT’S GENIUS.

empty your hands and look up

2011-02-21T15:57:00.000-05:00

i did a yoga dvd today (neflix streaming)

my breakfast was: a cup of coffee, and an egg scramble with egg substitute, a sprinkling of feta cheese, and frozen spinach, peppers and onions. and ketchup, of course.

i have my first voice/singing lesson tonight at 8pm.

i finished doing ALL of my laundry and have started a pile of clothing to donate or give away.

celebrate the good things.

if you think YOU do something embarrassing, just...read on.

2011-02-17T22:04:00.001-05:00

I have a really embarrassing confession to make. Like, I have literally never told anyone this, in my entire life. And god help me I hope I’m not alone in this. And even if I am, well, oh well.

More often than I’d like to admit I have conversations with myself in a mirror. But I’m not talking to myself. I imagine I’m talking to family friends, or (holy sweet baby jesus, why am I telling you this…) Bill’s family when I meet them (which won’t happen, but this is Fantasy Mirror Land, might as well embrace the crazy) and…I’m just talking about my life, or what I’m up to.

Of course it’s never reality. It’s me having hobbies and doing things that I’ve always wanted to do but been too scared or haven’t gotten my ass in gear.

Tonight, I was a girl who took dance classes for exercise (and yoga here and there). I took voice lessons and, with a musically inclined friend, helped Girl Scout troops earn arts and music badges once or twice a month. And of course had a regularly updated blog (HA) about her struggle to health and happiness (all while never giving the website – even Fantasy Mirror Land is like real life – no one in my real life knows the address and only three know I even have this blog)

And tonight, it smacked me in the face….excuse the language, but I really do love cursing, well, why the fuck can’t I be that person?

(also, I just realized Fantasy Mirror Land can be abbreviated FML. That...says...an unbelievable amount.)

What stops everyone? Fear, of course!

I don’t know where it comes from, but I have very real issues with and a fear of looking stupid – it’s the reason I despise karaoke, don’t really like dressing up for Halloween, and the worst of them all, ANY sort of audience participation. Like you know sometimes during musicals, cast members come down the aisles? I all but have a panic attack.

So…I don’t want to start things because I am so scared of being bad at them. But we all know that’s bullshit; very few people are very good at things when they first start them – of course, my insecurity and irrationality know no bounds!

But hell, I am going to try. One of the things I will try quietly, and the other one, I’m recruiting you!

Singing/Voice lessons: I can count on one hand the number of people that have told me I have a nice voice, and many more than that have heard me sing – so I don’t know what that tells you. I know I don’t have the pipes of your Whitneys or your Christinas (but at least I know the words to the national anthem, hiyoooo!) but a softer, indie-ish kind of tone. I think. But I’m scared of failing and realizing that I really do suck at singing – because it gives me such pleasure to listen to a song and sing or hum along; it’s very calming for me. But I’m afraid of having real proof that I’m singing bad pointy daggers into the ears of my loved ones.

Tonight I found a voice teacher in my area and researched her and she seems legit – so I might pay for a few lessons and see what happens! I am terrified and happy…mostly terrified.

Dance/Yoga classes: I’m afraid of how I’ll look. Dancing and yoga is for skinny people! I’ll be honest – I have moves, I can dance fairly well and I LOVE to do it. But real classes with….people? That, my friends, is for…you know…real dancers. I’m just a chub with some rhythm. And yoga – besides the obvious farting in class – I am deeply afraid of looking stupid.

My gym already has dance and yoga classes, so…what I REALLY want there, (besides having the balls and motivation to actually GO more then the one time two weeks ago when I did Zumba…) is to have people to go with.

Connected to that, I want to get a community of DC bloggers, like myself, that are struggling with weight and exercise and all that (not necessarily struggling, but you know what I mean) to meet in person to just chat, laugh, maybe go for walks or do fun things*** – you know, like gym dance classes!

Anyone live in the DC area and belong to Fitness First?? The location on 19th (between K and L) Street NW has dance classes Tues-Thurs from 6:30-7:30. I want friends! BE FRIENDS WITH ME!

***We can go to musicals, too, but I will start crying if a grown man or woman dressed as an animal comes and writhes around on my lap. I will cry and then I will never talk to you again.

who doesn't love a girl complaining about boy problems?

2011-02-16T12:22:00.001-05:00

Yeah, I keep saying I won’t talk about Bill. I’m gonna talk about Bill. Sigh. At some point I’m hoping my neuroses will be relatable.

I had an intense conversation with him yesterday. It’s a long complex thing that I could analyze til I’m blue in the face (and I’ve already been doing this, let’s be honest here) but…he loves me, but he can’t take “us” more serious until he knows what is going to happen next year when his middle east deal is up.

I owned up to my feelings, and now it’s time to face facts in some ways. There is a man who loves me, but is ultimately unavailable and may stay that way. The feelings are there, but he is thinking about work and grad school classes and getting his life on track.

Here’s the thing, I went through all of that last year. I started my career, I moved out on my own (okay, yes, with two roommates), I got a hell of a lot closer to the life I want. And so being in a relationship was the next thing that I wanted. And I actually found that someone! It took me 9-10 months of solid dating andso I’m still holding on so tightly because, I finally found him and I let him into that newer, better life and then he left and I’m still sad about these places in my life where he used to be.

So here’s what I WANT to say: I’m gonna take this conversation we had and put it in a box, wrap it up and slap a Don’t Take It Personally Bow on it, and put in away in the top shelf of my closet for now. And then put on a cute outfit from said closet and go out into the world and get what I want in the mean time.

(Neither Here Nor There, or NHNT: the outfit I’m wearing today has been described by a coworker as “Hot Cowgirl”)

Of course It’s one thing to write it, it’s another to believe it and truly clear my head and heartspace of him, while still wanting him in my life because he is important to me, and who knows what will happen. What I’m struggling with is… on the one hand, a relationship is something I want, and there is nothing wrong with that. And it’s my choice to put energy into something/someone I want. And god bless him, he loves me for me. I didn’t have to lose an ounce of weight for him to think I’m pretty or want the sexytimes with me.
(YEAHHH rarwrrrrr)

I am scared I won’t find that again in someone that I also find attractive, and also…It took me a solid 9-10 months of dating before I found him. I don’t want to have to go through that again (look, I know, I’m going through all of this for the first time ever, cut me a little slack) and I’m an incredibly impatient person, and it’s disheartening to look at that long road that is stretched out in front of me.

I don’t know how to end this entry. OR ANYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE, CLEARLY! :-P

caution: this isn't pretty.

2011-02-15T10:17:00.000-05:00

Please excuse the disconnect and stream-of-consciousness…I just…need to work this out, or at least start to.

So – I’ve been a wreck lately. I’ve been getting takeout almost every night since last week, and of course it’s in no way healthy…I spent all weekend pretty much in my bed overeating. (I was at 225.6 last week. I’m sure I’m up from that.) I have also spent the past three days crying myself to sleep. Oh also, I cried prettttty much all day at work yesterday. The area underneath my eyes is completely raw from tissues and from my hands wiping away tears.

I feel lazy and unmotivated and incapable of doing any real work. I don’t want to work hard. I want to have everything handed to me. This includes love, work, and my health. I’m in a big “I hate myself” phase right now.

Something has to change, and I’m in a terrible frame of mind, and probably not the right one that could get me doing positive things for myself. I just feel myself sliding into this dark place and I don’t care enough about myself to get out.

I need SOMETHING. I need something to hold on to that’s my own. It was Bill. Then he left. Part of me still holds him accountable for my emotional saving and it’s not fair to him, nor is it fair to me because he isn’t up for the task. So even though we talk every other day or so while he’s overseas (in a place I can’t visit and the chance of us seeing each other is very slim) it’s hard because I want him to be more emotionally engaged that he is, which is pretty much impossible to do. But I don’t want to cut him out of my life, but I need to do something for me. I need to focus on me – and actually FOCUS on me, not say it and then five minutes later sit there and wonder why Bill says “love you” or “love love” instead of “I love you” and how that must mean he really doesn’t love me. YEAH, PEOPLE. THIS IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.

Work is a hot mess right now for reasons I can’t go into, but there’s a strong chance of layoffs and I’ll have to look for a new job come May or so.

Volunteering? Working during the day eliminates a lot of things I want to do (I used to be a Girl Scout and I would love to help out) and I emailed a Beagle Rescue organization about helping but they haven’t gotten back to me yet. I thought maybe I could volunteer or do something for a women’s health/weightloss clinic but I’ve been unlucky in my searches so far.

Bocce doesn’t start until April so I have to wait for that…and it's once a week but I am really looking forward to it.

I don’t have money to do much else, especially right now, so it’s hard to try and try hobbies or activities…. See? I just sit here and feel sorry for myself that I don’t make enough money, my job sucks the life out of me, and the man I let into my life is gone physically and in many ways emotionally.

I’m dicking around with my own life and I can’t climb out of this cycle. Honestly what I really want to go is start therapy but I can’t afford it, and my work insurance doesn’t cover it. I just feel so defeated and worthless. And crazy, too - going from "Let's DO IT, LIFE!" to "I HATE IT" in less than two weeks. How can I possibly make it through life, it’s too hard and I’m not good enough to do the hard work I know it takes.

headlights on dark roads - snow patrol

2011-02-03T20:52:00.001-05:00

"I will reach out and take it....'cause I'm so tired of all this fear"

I still sort of feel like a phony with the blogging and the tweeting again. But I have been repeating to myself all day...health & happy, healthy & happy. That seems to help.

I went to Zumba tonight! I pride myself on being able to dance - I have rhythm and some moves, but...I was TERRIBLE at it! But that's okay, it was fun; I'm looking forward to going back and getting better. And it's fun to sort of treat it like dance class, too. And I really like the instructor, she was cool. So yay! Now to see if I am sore tomorrow...

The eats of the day (side note: this is so sad....but I ate ALL THREE meals at work today. So...unfortunate) were pretty good!

Packet of emergen-c with water (I wouldn’t list it, but it is technically 25 calories, and if it has calories, it gets mentioned!)

Breakfast: pomegranate Chobani, half of a whole wheat bagel thin with PB&Co The Bees Knees peanut butter...the best peanut butter in our solar system.

Lunch: an orange! (I cannot remember the last time I had an orange…), and a sandwich: trader joe’s multi-grain bread, half a laughing cow wedge, one slice white American cheese, a few ounces of low-sodium turkey breast, and a slice and a half of avocado

Snack: chocolate peppermint stick luna bar

Dinner: Spa Lean Cuisine, Apple Cranberry Chicken

And lots of water and a cup or two of green tea.

I feel good. I feel good that I'm doing good things for myself. I am still having a lot of trouble with Bill (CRAP THERE GOES THE BAN...didn't even last one. freaking. day.) and looking for his praise to guide how I'm feeling. I need to fix this. I hope it comes with practice, and with time. I want to be able to do it without having to cut him out of my life...it's not his fault I have low self-esteem and he can't live up to my unrealistic expectations and constant need for validation...if it wasn't him it'd be someone else. It needs to be ME for once. I think this is going to take just as much work as losing weight...

healthy and happy...healthy and happy.

I have to write to supplement my attempts at talking.

2011-02-02T21:08:00.001-05:00

I'm bad at talking to you. Case and point:

Okay there used to be a video here - but I'm dumb and can't figure out its formatting with the new blog template - here is the link to the YouTube video! My channel! All two videos! http://www.youtube.com/user/100in12

Point the first: CHINZ I HAZ THEM.
Point the second: Maybe I'll get better at talking. Maaaaybe.

So, what AM I talking about, exactly?

I'm sick of myself, the way I am now. Right now I'm still clinging to Bill**, we'll call him (that is not his real name), the guy I was dating last year that left a few weeks ago to work overseas for a year as a contractor. It's a long story that isn't worth telling, really...but here are the major points: We went on our first date in September, in December we really started spending a lot more time together, and on New Years he said I Love You, (I love/d him too) and he left on the 14th of January. (I knew this going in, he had already applied to the job before we met, and found out he got it like 2 weeks after our first date) He's going to be in a middle-eastern country for a year, and he doesn't know what he wants to do afterwards, which includes potentially NOT coming back to the DC area. We're keeping in touch and he tells me he loves me, that he misses me, and that I mean a lot to him....but as far as I know we aren't together. He's a great guy, and he cares about me, but his head is ultimately somewhere else.

I lost myself, I'll admit it. I lived for his validation. I still kind of feel like I do, even though he's far away. But I need to really make the effort to let go. I still love him, and want to continue to do so, but I need to get back to myself. I need hobbies, for goodness' sake!

Fun stuff coming up this summer that I referenced:

*A week in Prague and London for a high school friend's wedding
*A week in California for my godbrother's wedding
*My 10 year high school reunion! EEPS!

So like I said, some things that I want to feel happy for. I deserve to be happy and healthy, but it's going to take some work. We all know this.

Tuesday through Thursdays at my gym (yeah...the one I haven't been to since July of 2010...) at 6:30 they have dance/exercise classes. Tuesdays are hip hop, Wednesdays are Cardio Dance, and Thursdays are Zumba. I'm going. I'M GOING TO THESE.

I also have a Living Social deal for one month of unlimited Bikram yoga at this one studio on the Hill. I haven't used it yet...I'm working up the courage - I'm absolutely scared to go, being so large. I'm afraid I will pass out or vomit in front of a room full of strangers. I have to start it by March, so time's ticking on this one!

I have been better in the past week with eating. Vegetables. Cooking, not eating out. It hasn't been perfect, but it's better. Drinking water, taking vitamins...eating deliberately.

That's what I want. To get healthy and happy. For me.

(**NOTE: This is the last time I will talk about him..I'm banning it from this blog and my general everyday conversation topics...unless he ends up doing something SUPER out-of-character-romantic...which won't happen.)

the ups and the downs

2010-11-11T16:08:00.000-05:00

today:

breakfast was two chicken sausage links and scrambled eggs with some heinz 57 sauce
then i had about 4 lifesaver gummies and like 5 kitkat minis (fuck you, halloween!)
then i had chick-fil-a for lunch - root beer, about 9-10 chicken nuggets, and 95% of the small/medium waffle fries

then i went for a run! map my run said it was 1.92 miles. i was gone for about 45 minutes...i guarantee only like 10 of that was actual running. but i got out there!

up next, we have a happy hour with my grad school program alums. at the cheesecake factory. SIGH. at least i was smart and looked up the nutritional facts beforehand...because...yeesh. i'm going to plan for a glass of wine, some edamame, and if i get peer pressured into cheesecake, make someone split it with me and only have a couple of bites. we'll see if i can stick to it :-P

current thoughts

2010-11-08T20:50:00.000-05:00

* Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Cream Cheese might be the most amazing thing on the planet.

* I just ordered some stuff from the Breathe fragrance here: http://www.lollialife.com/ ...I’m gonna make out with myself, that’s how good it smells.

* Tonight for dinner I steamed some chopped kale, spinach, zucchini and broccoli and mixed it with some goat cheese and chicken. This was my first time cooking in months, but also my first time eating VEGETABLES in lord knows how long. It was really good. I’m an adult! Sometimes!

* I bought vitamins today. I hope I can make a habit of them.

* I weigh 216. I'm okay with it...just okay. I want to see it go down.

* A boy called me vivacious today. I think I’m gonna keep that one (the adjective, not the boy) in my back pocket for a while.

It's these little things. These little things peppered throughout the day that I need to pay attention to, to focus on. I'm all about the baby steps right now. No, I haven't made it into the gym yet. But I will, I'm letting myself get there when I get there. I know I'm headed there and that's enough for me, I'm being careful and slow and deliberate to ease myself back into being here and truly taking care of myself.

It really does take a lot of effort and time and I want to get it right. That's the health stuff but it's also the boy stuff. (and not even with the one that called me vivacious....what a tangled web I weave...)

There's an ongoing...something...happening and I'm working up the courage to broach the "tell me how you feel about me" conversation, and that is HUGE for me. Something like that takes a lot of self-respect and self-worth and you all reading this know on which side of that line I often stand. Especially because I think in my gut it won't be what I want to hear (I want this to be something meaningful) but I'm going to do my best to keep my mind and my ears open but still not accept less than what I deserve. And then of course, actually follow through on what I said and not chicken out. I am REALLY good at chickening out!

So there's that.

(How often do I tag food, dating, emotions, and thought? That is my LIFE right now!)

holy crap, i'm alive!

2010-11-05T00:05:00.002-04:00

I actually wanted to post a full post earlier today, and my plan was to get into work early and do it there (hi, I'm a good employee!) but then...dc traffic ruins everything. Anyhoodle, here's what I really want to say, that's been on my mind.

I am constantly saying things. Constantly. And I'm feeling like I never actually follow through on what I say.

"I'm going to blog more"
"I need to get back into the gym"
"I'm going to start blogging again"
"I need to just...keep cool and see how it goes"
"I need to just suck it up and be a good friend"
"I need to let him make the next move, let HIM contact ME"

Rarely do I feel like I follow through on these things anymore. I chicken out - I choose selfishness over giving. I choose giving into insecurity and self-loathing and worst-case scenario (with a dash of soap-opera level theatrics) over rational thought. I choose someone else's value (or perceived/projected value) of me over my own.

(Also, can I ask a very real question? How can I be so narcissistic and simultaneously self-loathing? I'm self-centered and yet, really don't like myself in so many ways. One...that's no way to live. But two...how is that even possible?)

I really...want to be better at this. And I don't want it to be just another thing that I say....I hope it isn't.

Hi, I missed you guys. I hope you might read this, if you ever stop by. I haven't even checked my statreader to see if anyone does... I hope you are doing well. I'm okay, if you're wondering. It's late, and I haven't gotten much sleep the past couple of days, today was an emotionally draining day and I am running on empty - so the melodramatics are admittedly a little high right now. (And I've also been PMS Smurf for the past two weeks) but...I wanted to just express myself to a group I've neglected and who knows a lot of what I'm going through.

Hopefully more soon. On dating. On me. On my trip to the Bay Area and The Family and The Matriarch. Maybe a little on work, but I'm very anti-talking-about-work-on-the-internet, so....maybe not too much of that.

Please excuse the stream of consciousness below...

2010-08-01T10:02:00.001-04:00

So here's the thing.

Actually - first - let me say upfront that I'm at 214. Weighed myself the other day. I'm not exactly happy about it, but I know it could be worse, and I seem to be maintaining well. So I'm holding on that for now to say a few more things.

You all know my history with The Family - The Matriarch - who is my godmother who does a really good job at reinforcing my abysmal-to-non-existent self esteem. So my parents and I are going out there at the end of September to surprise her for her 65th birthday.

I was looking forward to it for about a week, and then the dread set in.

More insecurity. More feeling like my worth is based on my pants size. More comments about "brownies are for big fat girls" (she made that comment last year, thank god the comment wasn't directed at me, but those kind of things stick with you)

***

You all know I *FINALLY* got a job in my chosen field back in May. I've been there almost 3 months now, and it's going really well. I feel like I fit in, and the work is challenging but interesting. I truly feel like I am where I am supposed to be. (Don't get me wrong: I am there on weekends sometimes, working from 7am to 8:30pm on some days; it's demanding, but there is at least a decent sense of satisfaction to be had)

One of my coworkers, who you would consider my Office BFF, is a large-and-in-charge woman. She's my age, about 3 inches taller than me, but weighs well into the 300s, I'd wager. She's had severe asthma her whole life, so I suspect the inability to play and move around as a kid turned into a vicious cycle into her adulthood. Anyway, this woman has the healthiest body image of anyone I have ever met. She loves herself unabashedly and wholeheartedly. She acknowledges and appreciates every inch of her body.

***

I'm being 100% honest, I cannot wrap my mind around it. And I feel like it makes me a terrible person, and whether it's right or wrong, it makes me feel like I'm a victim of the poor self-images of many of the women in my life. My godmother, my grandmother when she was alive, even my mother a lot of the time are the big culprits here, but a lot of my girlfriends are not without the negative side comments about themselves for not weighing less or wearing a smaller size.

Over my 27 years on this planet, I've just adopted the noise. I've assumed they're right and spent my time hating my body at all its sizes.

So from this point on, I'm going to focus on loving myself. I'm not going to get anywhere until I actually genuinely care about myself, and learn to appreciate the body that I have. I'm living on my own now (or, with 2 roommates, but out of the parents house finally. It's going great, by the way!) and it's time for me to define my own outlooks on, well, just about everything.

Now, that doesn't mean I'm giving myself license to eat whatever I want, or be lazy, but, I'm not going to focus at all on that - I need to focus on my heart, on my emotional body. I know, I'm rolling my eyes a little bit too. But I'm sick of feeling this dread and shame when I go to visit my godmother. And my mother too, but she just doesn't talk about it as much as my godmother does.

Also, I don't think that my godmother's birthday party weekend is the right time to have a conversation about it, but I'm entertaining the idea that at some point, I might have to have this conversation with her about how she makes me feel.

I'm 99% sure she is projecting her own negative body images onto me. And you know what? I just don't need that shit, plain and simple. I'm sick of it. And I know she's not entirely to blame - I'm letting myself feel that way, and that's where I want the change to happen. I need to build up my own self-image. My godmother's lack of healthy body-image shouldn't be my problem, and I want to be strong enough so that I don't internalize it.

I have no idea how I'm actually going to do any of this, but I just know that I need to start loving myself. No more 100in12, no more numbers (okay, maybe numbers here and there - I want to feel better about myself but I also don't deserve to have my hard work destroyed) (Plus I've been itching to change the design of this blog and now I have a good reason to do it!)

I want to start writing again - because I think it's good for me, and it'll help work out the crazy, I think. So I just need to find a way to a path that combines loving myself with taking care of myself and my health. I haven't the slightest idea as to how that's going to go (probably not smoothly?) but, I just wanted to throw that out there.

That's the new project. Taking care of and learning to love myself.

Fitness Consult and other recent shenanigans

2010-06-07T21:35:00.000-04:00

(Buckle up. Lots of words in this one.)

Hi! Finally had my Fitness Consult - the free one you get for signing up.

It...wasn't great, but also wasn't as bad as I thought. My stats:

Weight: 210
Body Fat %: 40! (um, yikes? but to be honest with you, I seriously thought it would be 50 or more. Not even joking. So, I know it's not good and the trainer told me as much [Um, guy, I KNOW. No need to shame me into anything - that's why I'm here!] but...yay for small, relative victories?)

I did two planks each for 20 seconds.
I did 6 pull ups (WAIT FOR IT - with about half my weight supported. HA! This cracks me up. I am curious to see how this changes if I keep at it)
I did 6 modified push ups using the bosu stability ball.

He had me do 10 minutes on the stairclimber then these other random step up balance things for my legs.

Basically, the diagnosis other than "FOR SHAME" is legs = decent, core + arms = awful. I pretty much knew that already.

So at some point this week he's going to email me with a workout plan for me to follow for about a month or so. 2 days cardio and 1 day cardio/strength. I'm gonna start with that and work my way up to...something.

I guess I'm excited. It's been a long day today (I left my house at 7am and I'm just now getting home at 9pm) so my enthusiasm has drained...but it was very much there until about 20 minutes ago!

In other REALLY EXCITING NEWS, I'm moving out the first weekend in July!!!!! Remember in my last post I mentioned that one I saw that I loved? Well that very one will be mine!! I'll have 2 roommates - who are awesome, and I think we already click. We're getting together tomorrow night after work to kind of celebrate my future-roommate-status, I think. I can't wait!

My commute will be cut in half in both time and expense (though I'm adding rent, but...it's the principle of the thing!) and there is a gym in the building, in addition to another branch of my new gym right nearby.

I cannot wait to move and be on my own. Is it a little scary? Yes. It is long overdue? You bet it is. So I am pumped.

Another fun thing is that starting mid-July, I'm signing up for a bocce ball league with a friend of mine - he works at the place I was temping and we've kept in touch. His friends have a team and invited me to join - so I'm doing it! I think the best part about this is that I will already be living in Alexandria, so I never have to make my "Here Are the Reasons I Live at Home" speech again. That will be so nice. So relieving.

I'm looking forward to my social circle expanding. I know I'm not the svelte shape I want to be, but my confidence is still growing. I'll meet new people. Live in a new place. My job is still very much new and probably will feel that way for about a year or so. I'm good with new, I thrive on new. I'm so excited about what I can accomplish the rest of this year. Maybe landing a man will happen, maybe it won't. I'm okay with it either way.

Oh, speaking of which, can I just...talk something out? I don't want to insult anyone by telling the story I'm about to tell, but...it made me uncomfortable and maybe I need some alternate perspectives here.

So I was on the phone with my best friend, who recently found out that I had been doing EHarmony. Now, she is the type of gal that since high school has literally never been single for more than 2 weeks. Not even exaggerating. So "love" is very much important to her, because she's always had it. She's been after another friend of ours to start dating for a few years now, and even so far as saying she was going to buy her an online dating subscription for Christmas a year or two ago. She didn't end up doing it, but I always found that a little...inappropriately aggressive?

So anyway, when she and I were talking on the phone, she was like "I'm so proud of you, that's so great. I'm going to pray for you." and then to be honest, I don't remember what the rest of the conversation was.

Now, here's where you might get mad at me, for my ignorance and narrow-mindedness. So I apologize in advance. But when I hear that someone is going to pray for me, I take it as...I need to be prayed for, if that makes sense. Like...I'll pray for you to find a man. Because you need one to be fulfilled as a person.

I mean...I said thank you to her, but I..didn't quite know how else to react. I think I might have taken offense to it, actually. And I don't really take offense to a lot of things.

I guess...I mean...when I was looking for jobs, some friends and family (and maybe even some of you might have?) said that you were going to pray for me. And I thought nothing of it, other than, "that's really nice of them" - because it was something I desperately needed.

Is praying for someone reserved for dire circumstances? I don't pray often but when I do, it's when I feel someone really truly needs it. Like...they've got a problem that needs fixing. Maybe I'm just projecting because I subconsciously also think it's a problem and don't want someone else seeing it to?

But do I really, truly need a man? No. I very badly want a man, sure, but I am a complete, whole person without one. So...do you really need to pray for me?

Is anyone following my train of thought here? I mean, I understand my friend was being nice, and she loves me and cares about me..it just...bugged me.

If you have a dissenting opinion, please explain this to me! I don't mean to make waves, I just want to understand a little more.

The one in which I try to make up for my absence with semi-interesting pictures

2010-05-29T10:49:00.001-04:00

HI.

Well, a whole month without blogging, what have I been up to?

*WORKING. My new job is great. I'm admittedly still in the honeymoon phase, but the people are great, there is SO much potential for me to really step up my game and achieve a lot professionally, and it's in an awesome area of the city and I love going there everyday.

*TURNING 27: This past Thursday (the 27th!) was my birthday! I am now 27. This is MY YEAR, people. It's been officially declared. So I've got a lot to accomplish, and you bet your ass losing weight is one of those things.

*TRYING TO MOVE. I've been looking for apartments (rooms, really) to move into. I've been looking mostly in Virginia, as I do not want to step foot inside a DMV during this process - not to mention all the money it would cost to switch over tags and what not. No thank you.

Moving is really like interviewing all over again. I'm using Craigslist, so the good/legit ads have a lot of competition. I've gotten "turned down" for one place, and I saw 2 rooms this week and they should be making a decision soon. I really sort of fell in love with one, and I hope I get it, but we'll see.

(I also put feelers out to my friends about moving out and being a potential roommate, but no one has responded...I don't think I know anyone that is in that point in their life)

The good news about moving is that I'm not at all stressed about it. It's okay if I let myself be hopeful, because the entire world isn't riding on me finding a place. Granted, it's important, but I'm in no rush. And that's a nice position to be in.

*NEW GYM. I did it - I signed up for another gym. It sucks that I'm carrying two right now - I can't quit my other one until September when my contract is up. But I hadn't been in weeks and I just hated that it didn't have enough to offer. So I joined one that is about 2 blocks from my office - and has locations in my current town, and like 5 more all in the areas where I am looking to move. So I've got my bases covered there.

Have I been going? YES. Haha, a couple of times. I still need to set up an appointment to be "shown" the gym, and they give you a free fitness consultation and all of that and show you the weights - so I've only been on cardio so far, but it's good. They also have a nice locker room and tons of showers that are clean and nice, and it's a good deal. I'm actually paying 2 dollars LESS for this gym than my old one!

*EATING. Eating has been a mixed bag. I'm pretty good during the day, breakfast and lunch and snacks are all the normal, healthy things I've been eating. Dinner is the problem. I come home and I'm tired, and I don't have the strength a lot of days to fight the urge to eat a hot dog (fine, TWO) or make a sandwich with a gigantic pile of chips, etc etc. I never win that battle, and I need to figure out a way so that I can.

In terms of weight gain, as of this past Wednesday I was at 208. To tell you the truth, I'm not all that upset. Do I want it to continue going up? Not at all, in fact, if you can believe it, I want it to go back down. But I can only balance so much. I'm giving my eating attention, don't get me wrong, but not my full attention.

HAVING FUN! I've been hanging out with my friends, going to baseball games, being touristy in my own city, all good stuff. And a lot of fun stuff planned this summer, too. Concerts, drinks with friends, Screen on the Green, Jazz in the Sculpture Garden (these last two both being very fun DC Young Professional-type things), one and maaaybe two beach trips - this is going to be a great summer.

***

So basically I still care about losing weight and getting healthy - it's just about 3rd or 4th on the list of things I am working on. The whole 100in12 thing isn't going to happen, and I guess on one hand it's disappointing that it won't happen, but if I can accomplish a shitload of things in the meantime then, we're doing allright.

I'll try and blog more. This one was mostly out of guilt that I hadn't been here in so long, and some of you were concerned. I'll tell you this - I definitely don't want to give up completely. This blog is SUCH a source of happiness for me, regardless of my attendance within the past month. It has been such a crucial tool for my success thus far and I won't give it up. But it's just not my main focus. But I'll try and do better. I hope that now that I'm identifying my lack of complete attention and effort in my weight loss areas...I'll at least care a little more. Admitting the problem is the first step, right?

Can I make up for my poor attendance here with pictures?!

First day of work outfit!

Haha, two of my friends and I pondering a map, being tourists.

The lunch I had the other day! Whole wheat naan, baby carrots, turkey, and Trader Joe's Roasted Red Pepper Hummus.

The view from the Nationals Stadium! If you ignore that scaffolding, there's an awesome view of the Capitol.

Tidbits to add to my screaming and shouting

2010-04-28T07:04:00.000-04:00

*Finally got to bold/complete another goal on the side! And I went ahead and changed/broke up the Onederland/live at home by May thing. I know I won't get hit Onederland this coming Monday, but I will definitely hit it IN May, you can count on that! I've been maintaining most of April and I need to kick it into high gear! Mostly concerning exercise, I need to get back into it for realsies!

Especially because....I am in no way joking about that "throw myself a party" reward. I'm already planning it for memorial day weekend, haha! It just so happens that's also my birthday weekend, and my Golden Birthday! I'm turning 27 on the 27th this year. For the past few years I haven't really cared about my birthday, but this year...things are different. I deserve a damn party after these last 16 months, and to show off the work I've done since September! I'm treating myself to an indulgent afternoon with my friends and family, hanging out in (hopefully some) sunshine and grilling and enjoying the life that I've worked hard to finally get!

*I would like to take a moment to thank you guys for all of your support, for letting me bitch and complain about not having a job, for giving me a kick in the pants (Nic I love you for it!) when I needed it, and for helping me choose outfits, and all that good stuff. I love having this freaking blog and I know it's been devoid of health and food stuff lately, but rest assured there is going to be a return to that now that I've got this whole job sitch handled! Plus with working towards Onederland and beyond, I'm gonna need to revamp my efforts and I absolutely include blogging (and COMMENTING, geez, Lazy McSelfish over here) in that.

*Also, (basically...Steve I'm looking at you) does anyone have any recommendations for me on fun stuff to do in Annapolis, MD? My friend and I are taking a day trip there on Saturday just for fun, and we need things to do! We've already got our restaurant picked out, but we need other fun (and hopefully cheap/free!) things to do and explore during the day. Comment or email me! (100in12@gmail.com)

*Look at the dinner my friends and I made last night! The chicken and the sweet potato fries came from this cookbook and everything turned out amazingly. And that corn on the cob was perfectly steamed, ifidosaysomyselfandido :-)

that far off screaming and crying you heard was me

2010-04-27T19:05:00.000-04:00

Guys? If you haven't already seen my twitter feed....I was offered a job today.

If you're unfamiliar with my plight, I have been unemployed for 16 months after earning my masters degree in Arts Management. And today I was offered (and accepted) a job with a really great arts nonprofit here in D.C.

Today is magical.

I am going to head to my friends' apartment (to and from which I already have a ride arranged because you can bet your ass there will be drinking tonight) and watch Glee and revel in the fact that

I

finally

did it.

Highweigh to Hell

2010-04-26T06:42:00.000-04:00

(While I do love AC/DC, this is the Glee Cast version! I have, of course, been listening to the newest Glee songs nonstop. HOW FUN was the Madonna episode. PS Like a Prayer is my favorite Madge song and I was so happy they sang it. Loved their version.)

Weight this AM:

204.6!

A nice 3 pound loss from last week. Hooray! I’d say I earned it. Lots of water, a leeetle more exercise, healthy food choices, no booze, all that good stuff.

I don’t think I’ll be able to pull off 4.6 pounds before next week’s May weigh-in, which is fine. I know I’ll be close and I know I’ll hit Onderland IN May. So that’ll be good. I just need to keep trying and keep making good decisions and exercising and the numbers and pants sizes will follow.

And now, I write about my emotions, far too early on a Monday morning.

This isn’t an unheard of topic, but, it’s something on my mind now that I’m nearing Onederland: fear of success. Many of you/us talk about the fear of what happens next, after we reach a big goal or inch closer towards it every day. Being large is a safety net – we can say “I would do this but I’m too big” or “The fact that I’m this size is keeping me from doing *insert activity or whatever here*” but…when that’s taken away, we don’t have any more excuses. Will I get less funny the thinner I get? Will dating really be that much easier? Will I have the courage to try new things, when it’s more likely a fear of failure or looking stupid, rather than a fear of being fat that is keeping me from doing them?

Anyway, I’m bringing these things up to sort of…prepare myself? To put it out there so I don’t fall into these traps.

*
During SWL1 (Successful Weight Loss 1.0 – from 2007 to July of 2009 I lost 65 pounds) I got down to 197 in August of 08. I felt so great and I wrote in my journal at the time “I am NEVER going back to above 200!” and what did I do a few weeks later? You guessed it. The scale went up and KEPT going up until July of 09.

Now, there was a LOT that was going on in my life that affected me emotionally and I let it completely crush any motivation I had. I had lost the weight that put me under 200 while I was in London. I was living my dream. Working for an arts organization, in London, not living with my parents, I was just. me. I have never been happier than in those two months. And a ton of weight came off. I was eating well and walking everywhere. Even when the tube was available and we were given our transportation stipend…I walked. Just to do it. God I loved it.

Anyway, so I come back home, rode the London high for about a week, and then stopped eating well and exercising. I was so depressed to be back home. To be a dependent. To be still so closely tied to my parents, knowing full well that I should have been out on my own by then. There were additional issues happening then too that greatly contributed to my lack of emotional health, but this was a big factor. Sigh. And the weight slowly crept up, and then it shot up in Jan-July of 09.

I had the opportunity to look at things positively – to capitalize on my time in London and keep it going, even though I didn’t like the circumstances I was returning to. It’s not like they weren’t the same ones that I was living in two months prior before I left. I’m no psychologist, but maybe I let myself get bogged down in my emotions (I’m cutting myself a little slack because at that point, and definitely from Jan-July 09, I think my depression was pretty, uh, robust) and allowed myself to gain weight – some part of me was afraid of weighing less and less.

*

I haven’t weighed under 200 in maybe 7 or 8 years? I’m a little scared of the responsibility that comes with it, to be honest. The second half of my journey (the next 50 pounds) is harder – it’s harder to lose weight the smaller you get, and I’m afraid of the struggle. I’m afraid of how much harder I’m going to have to work and I’m scared of not being able to do it.

So I’m coming up on Onederland…and I find out this week or next whether or not I got that job. If I get it, it means I can make plans to move out. Now, the interview went well and (I looked snazzy thanks to you all, by the by. I went with the jacket and the coral top. Thank you for all your input! The coral was the one I had in my mind to begin with and I’m glad the majority vote was with me!) there is nothing I could have done better. But if I don’t get it…I have no other prospects on the horizon.

I just don’t want any potentially disappointing news to trigger anything – to then allow myself to be sent into a tailspin that involves reintroducing my hidden food stash under my bed, being anti-social and generally snarl-y.

Bleh. But that’s just something I wanted to get out. What I can do right now is just be mindful this week and make good choices. (and BLOG MORE, geeeeez!)

Help! Part Deux

2010-04-22T06:38:00.000-04:00

Okay all your fashion-forward people! I need your help again.

I have an interview on Friday – I have the jacket and the pants, but I don’t know what color shirt to wear underneath. I have a few options – weigh in below, or feel free to suggest a different color that you think might work! I have a cami/tank top problem and I’m open to enabling :-D

Sorry for the lack of consistency in angles/lighting. It’s 6:30 in the morning, I’m not exactly Annie Leibovitz.

The jacket is white with a black stripe, and I’ll be wearing basic black dress pants with it (not my pajama pants, as the pictures may suggest!)

So with that in mind, we have:

Coral:

Light Purple:

Baby pink:

Hot pink:

Choose away! And feel free to suggest something completely different, I’m open to write-ins! (I tied with “Bart Simpson” and “School Sucks” – name that quote!)

The other good part about all of this? That jacket is a 16. It’s from Lane Bryant so it might run a little large, but it’s a 16! And the craziest part is that I had no idea until I looked this AM – I honest to goodness thought it was an 18 when I bought it. So NSV! Yay! But…apparently my eyes are going bad? I didn’t look closely enough at the label. But what a fun mistake to make!

Walk This Weigh

2010-04-19T06:59:00.000-04:00

Gotta make it quick!

Scale results: same as last week!

207.6

I'm...okay with it, and not okay with it. Sometimes I have a couple of weeks of maintenance like this, and I like to think it's the universe's way of giving me a break while I reassess. And by reassess I mean...eat out, have a few beers, and not really exercise. Though the last week as a whole, I ate healthy things, just MORE of them than I probably should have.

(except for last night when I was watching The Hurt Locker. I ate like 3 servings of chocolate cheerios...followed by a roll of fruit mentos...followed by a chocolate peppermint stick luna bar. Writing all that out now is....kind of gross. Anxiety eating? Not out of the question during that movie!)

So I think it's good to give myself a bit of a break but be able to maintain/not gain, but it's not good when I remember that I have, you know, goals and stuff.

I've got two weeks to get to Onederland, if I want the "weigh in the 100s by May" thing to happen...which I do. I could slack off and say "Well, as long as I get there at some point in May" but I don't want to do that. So I'm gonna work hard to eat right and get back in the gym. And if I don't get into Onederland, then at least I can be proud for trying.

I put my money where my mouth is this morning! Got my butt to the gym. Granted, because of gym-hours and time constraints I only got about a 24 minute workout, but I worked hard. I did the elliptical on hill-climb (I'm not ashamed to admit I do the ones designed for a great ass. I want one.) for 14 minutes and then did the treadmill for 10:30. On the treadmill I did a minute or so of walking, then a minute or so of running (at 6mph! that is a lot for me!) and then repeat. At one point I even did 2 minutes at 6mph! And my last rotation I did a minute and a half at 6.2mph.

One other thought: as much as I've tried to like it...I just don't really care for almond butter. Its peanut cousin has exclusive rights to my heart.

well I just did not see that coming...updates and scattered thoughts! (aren't all my posts like that, though, really? :-)

2010-04-12T20:51:00.001-04:00

Sorry, my lovelies, that I didn't have time to post this AM. Decided to sleep instead :-) Did you know I have the sleep tendencies of most infants? It's true. I just. love. sleep. Can't get enough.

So this morning I was:

207.6!

Only .4 of a gain after the week I had? I'll TAKE it! A nice lucky break to start the day, and it only continued....

I walked into work to...utter chaos. Everyone saw me and comes RUSHING over in a frenzy about it being my last day (nobody knew until the email I sent out on Friday, informing them as much) and they essentially petitioned the office manager to keep me on through mid-May!

So I've got another month of work! (and a need to sit down and figure out when and how I can motivate myself to the gym. Need to try the whole AM thing again, it was really great for that one week!)

Though I did get a little bit of exercise in today! I took a nice long walk during my lunch break. It was a fairly brisk walk, maybe medium brisk? DC Geography Time! My office is at 21st and L, and I walked over to 17th and then down to the mall...over to 18th and back up and over to my office. I traced it on MapMyRun and it said it was almost 2.5 miles! It was beautiful and warm and sunny out today, I really enjoyed getting that Vitamin D!

***

Even though we are clearly poor bloggers for not taking a picture, Becca, Megan and I met up for lunch this Saturday! I had so much fun. We went to a thai place in Old Town Alexandria that is right on the water. Beautiful views and tasty food! I got a veggie tofu thing that I dominated. Yum! Becca and I have met once before but it was great to finally meet Megan. She's the gem that coined Kat and I as Bert and Ernie, so she's clearly very important!

***

I might go to Richmond AGAIN this weekend. I went about three weeks ago, and then two weeks before that. Apparently I can't get enough!

***

I am picking up my friend at the airport this Friday. I love picking people up at airports. I actually just love airports, period. I know, it's weird. I think I've mentioned this before. It's like the beginning of Love Actually, when they show all the people reuniting...that's my fave. I have so many vivid memories of reuniting with people at airports, and I love to watch other people experience it too. ...I choose to ignore the people that are leaving/separating, because it's sad and pokes a hole in my theory. That's the secret to living - just ignore the stuff that doesn't agree with you, right?

***

THIS:

Awesome.

what goes up...aka bullet point thoughts

2010-04-11T18:09:00.000-04:00

I am totes mcgotes not going to lose weight this week. Only worked out once - Tuesday - and I've been eating whatever I want, which has included beer, chinese food, more beer, WAY too much peanut butter, cookies...and some more beer and generally too much food. So...just to prepare you (and myself) for tomorrow morning. There might even be a pound or two gain. Oops.
My last day of temping is tomorrow! I'm sad the money stream will be ending, but there's a silver lining of having my afternoons back for a little while to rededicate myself to the gym.
My EHarmony subscription runs out on Thursday. I "pursued" like 4 guys today, just as a last-ditch effort. One of them actually responded. Hopefully we make it til Thursday. We'll see what happens.
In other EH news, Sam and I are still buds! We hung out last Monday (that was the chinese food and beer) and last night too. It's been fun. And the more I hang out with him, the more I realize that I would really not want a relationship with him. So it really worked out for the best. But he's a ball of energy and sarcasm and I like both of those things.
My parents make their triumphant return in about 30-60 minutes! I'm actually looking forward to seeing them (AND MY DOGGIE*!!!!!) but...I am afraid this feeling will not last very long. I'm projecting about 15 minutes. Seriously.

So it just seems like...all of the things that I've been doing these past four months are coming to an end at the same time - working, EHarmony, having freedom...they're evaporating before my eyes.

What needs to happen next is that I make my life my bitch and get it all back on my own terms. For realsies.

*

I get to see this guy really soon!

ha!

2010-04-06T18:48:00.000-04:00

Got this from Kat of Kat Does Diets - you can check your most tweeted words - of COURSE mine is LowFatKat. :-)

Sorry if the quality of this is terrible, I had to take a screencap b/c I couldn't figure out how to get it on the blog through linking or sharing or whatever. I....am......not technologically inclined sometimes.

Weighting for Guffman

2010-04-05T06:48:00.000-04:00

Any Christopher Guest fans? This is Spinal Tap, For Your Consideration, Best in Show...all classics.

I have to drag myself to work today (I've already considered calling out 4 times this morning...) so I'll make this quick so I'm not sitting around any longer!

I'm at:

207.2

That's a 1.6 loss from last week! Not bad considering I only exercised twice - last Monday and yesterday :-P. Oops?

I obviously didn't reach my April goal of 201.8, but I'm getting closer! For the last two months I've lost about 9 pounds a month - that will get me into Onederland by next month if I keep it up - that's what I'm really concerned with! Though I wouldn't mind getting those monthly goals back on track...but I'm narrowing the gap!

My Easter Sunday and the latest EH shenanigans

2010-04-04T17:26:00.001-04:00

Happy Easter everyone! (or Happy Regular Sunday, for those that don't celebrate Easter!)

My Easter has been great! I celebrated the end of Lent (Sweets 'N Jobs was a success!) by having a Deep Chocolate VitaTop with a tbsp of White Chocolate Wonderful PB&Co peanut butter on top. It was so good! Though The Bees Knees is still the best PB&Co flavor by far, in my opinion. It makes my heart sing.

I also had my Chocolate Peppermint Stick Luna Bar. SO. GOOD. I'm obsessed with mint and chocolate combinations and this did not disappoint. I especially liked the little red peppermint flecks in the iced part on the bottom. So festive and delicious. I can easily see myself keeping a kitchen stocked with Lemon Zest and Chocolate Peppermint Luna Bars. I'm in love.

Talked to my parents today too. They come home a week from today. I will spend this week mentally and emotionally preparing for their return.

AND I finally made spaghetti squash! It was so much easier than I thought. I'm about to make some ground turkey and mix it in with the squash and maybe throw in some marinara sauce. Should be delish!

Below is the story of that EHarmony Guy. Third time was not so much the charm in this case, but that's okay. My subscription ends on April 14th and I'll be content with that. For now!

Oh, before I get to the story, I have to tell you that I got myself to the track today! 3 miles with intervals of running and walking. I did 2 running laps, then alternated walking and running laps until I got to 3 miles, or 12 laps. Good times! And it was nice and sunny out so I think I got a little color, so my skin isn't quite the lovely shade of transparent that it was before.

So, here's the boring and fairly uneventful yet character building story of Sam:

We had been talking all week (gchat) and it was so fun and he made me laugh and I was really comfortable with him, and we clicked. We went out for a drink and dinner this past Wednesday. We had a good time, I think, but it ended with him awkwardly saying, “So, I guess…I’ll be, uh, chatting with you tomorrow!” or something like that. As he turned to walk to his car he had a look on his face that…I don’t know how to describe it, but I think I knew he wasn’t interested. It wasn’t so much a “thank god that’s over” look, but it was something like it.

I was sort of sad. I liked him enough that I wanted to hang out more. There were things about him that I didn’t like, too, but I was willing to overlook them because he made me laugh and was adorable when he smiled. Like he’s kind of a tough guy but then his face softens when he genuinely smiles, it was so cute.

Thursday, the next day, we didn’t talk at all. So I pretty much knew. I wanted him to talk to me first, though. And…he didn’t. So Friday morning I got impatient and reached out to him, we had an awkward small-talk conversation that was NOT at all like our usual stuff. So I went out to lunch, and left him with this message: “so…I'm going outside for lunch. Should be epic. Anyway, if you get bored anytime soon and want to hang out, give me a call, I'd be up for it. If you're not, no worries. I don't want to bug you if wednesday was it for you - I've been on the other side and it's…a weird dynamic. You can let me know either way, it’s cool I promise :-)”

I gave him the option of going out easy, giving me the obvious answer and not having to say it while I was there – but he waited until I got back. Which, is actually nice, I think? Anyway, he said he wasn’t interested in a relationship. He actually said relationship, which I thought was funny considering I only said “if you want to hang out again” but I suppose that’s where it ultimately would have gone anyway.

But he surprised me by saying that he really liked me, that I was fun and great and he would never say no to a new friend; he liked talking to me. And the thing is, with him, I believe it. He’s honest and upfront, which made the whole “I don’t like you like that” much easier, I think. He wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it. So he says “These conversations can be really awkward but I’m glad we’re cool” and then we went on chatting for the rest of the day like normal, it was right back to the witty banter kind of stuff we had been doing all week. Which made me really happy.

So, I don’t really know if and how long this “friendship” thing will last, but I actually hope it does. He’s really fun and we have so much in common, I can see him as a guy friend whose honest opinion I can rely on if I needed advice, and that’s rare. So that's that. All in all I think for "not working out" it worked out pretty well.

Am I disappointed there’s no romance? Sort of – maybe 25% disappointed that it’s not with him, and 75% disappointed in that another dating situation didn’t work out. I think if that’s the kind of rejection I’m dealing with, then I’m doing pretty well.

It doesn’t take a lot for me to think that I’m not good enough, but I don’t really feel that way this time. No one said anything about physical characteristics, and I’m jumping to conclusions by thinking that’s what his “problem” with me is, but…even if it is, I’m okay with it. Especially if we stay friends and I get super hot and get to throw it in his face. Because I’m a rational woman that is in no way petty.

Random Thoughts (that I wish I had come up with...)

2010-04-03T14:41:00.004-04:00

Hi! I'm still here! I feel like I've been saying that a lot lately. But things are good - I've been incommunicado whilst talking to that EHarmony gentleman I mentioned a few posts ago - it's sort of over, at least "romantically". I'll get that story to you soon.

In the meantime, my friend had this on her blog, and it's made the rounds on the intertubez, but it is so hilarious and you should read it if you haven't.

"Random Thoughts of 25-35 year olds:

- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

- I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

- Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

- That's enough, Nickelback.

- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

- Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

- Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

- Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

- I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

- How the in the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

- I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

- The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty.

- Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

- If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

- When I meet a new person, I'm terrified of mentioning something they haven’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

- Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

- Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

- It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

- I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dangit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?"

Weighting for My Rocket to Come (colon, did you see what I did there)

2010-03-29T05:42:00.002-04:00

I am really, really surprised at this morning’s number. After all my hard work this week, getting back into the gym at ridiculously early hours, and mindful and healthy eating…I just never…I really wanted to clear the 50 pound loss mark – I’ll say it, I sort of had my heart set on it.

So when I stepped on the scale and saw

208.8

Oh, did you not see that? Let me be a little louder, I’ll try not to wake the neighbors:

208.8

Ha! See what I did there? You thought I was headed straight to GainTown and I took a sharp left at ILostALOTville. Anyway, I am really surprised! As I said, I really was hoping for 210 so I could proudly say I cleared the 50 pound mark, it never occurred to me that I could PASS it!

(This does, also, also reinforce my beliefs that I did not weigh 215 last week – I indeed weighed myself over the next couple of days after last Monday’s weigh in, after my water consumption and eating leveled off and I was closer to 212/213, which makes a lot more sense for this week’s loss. I don’t know if I’d be happy if I lost 6.8 in one week – I’d be concerned b/c I don’t think I should really be losing that much. So the actual loss from last week is probably something like 4.2 or 3.2. Still a big number but a safe big number!)

So let’s talk goals. First of all, I can proudly say as of this morning, I have lost 51.8 pounds. I’m halfway there…

According to my monthly tracking: There’s no good way I can get down to 201.8 by next Monday (first week in April, I’m stretching out March…:-P) but I am definitely going to get as close as I can! In February, I was 7 pounds over my goal, in March I was 6 pounds over…so I just want to close that gap as much as I can so that 1: I can get down inte Onederland by/in May, and 2: start changing those blacks to greens instead of black to reds!

My other sidebar goals: since I say Onederland/Move out of home by May…I’m pretty sure I can only realistically accomplish one of them, and it doesn’t involve moving boxes. (Unless you count packing up some old clothes and emotional baggage, HIIYOOOOOOOO) So it’s really important to me to get the weight half, because I don’t want to set it and then not get it. I’m not Ron Popile.*

But it’s all one day at a time. I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I’m really guilty of the “If I keep going like this, I’ll lose this many more pounds by this day and THEN I’ll REALLY show ‘em!” There are so many things wrong with that statement. So I’m just going to focus in on the now, and be really happy that I came back from my fairly deep slump in January. There are a lot of things that still aren’t going my way (hello, I need a permanent, full time job. PLEASE!) so I need to appreciate the things that are going well, and just keep working. For example, I’m sitting here in my gym clothes and after I hit Publish, I’m gonna run downstairs, grab some breakfast, pack my lunch and my snacks and then head out to sweat a little bit.

*I love you if you can connect the dots of my thoughts on this one – Ron Popile, the informercial guy? Inventor of the Set It And Forget It? See what I did there, with the goals? Haha. Also, we have a Set It and Forget It, and it comes with an instructional video that tells you, explicitly, to not set it and forget it. Because they assume that you will probably do it wrong and if you forget it, you’ll burn your house down. Seriously. ...I love infomercials. What fun infomercial stuff do you have?

Aw, I don't have a good post title. For shame, self.

2010-03-27T09:23:00.001-04:00

Hello my loves!

Hope you’re doing well this fine Saturday morning (or afternoon, or evening, or whenever you are depending on your location)

I am beyond happy it’s Saturday. Had a stressful week at work, I definitely need a few days off to recharge. Plus I’ve been sick since Monday, but choosing to ignore it as much as possible. But I can’t ignore a sore-throat and maybe a bit of a fever away, unfortunately. Meh. Oh well, it didn’t stop me from anything this week!

So I said I went to the gym Wednesday morning, right? Well guess who had two thumbs and did it again Thursday morning!?!!?

Yep. (Please don't judge the room...I know, it's such a mess. And yes, there's a teddy bear back there. It's from Harrod's! That's a legit reason for keeping it, right??)

I even got up and got there Friday morning, but I forgot that my gym doesn’t open until 8 on Fridays. GRR! Oh also, I think I might have found a gym I might want to switch to – Fitness First. They have locations in DC, Arlington, Alexandria, my town, and a few others, so I feel like I can still go there no matter where I end up living or working, and they’re also open at 5am everyday, AND open on Sundays, which my gym is not. And I think they’re around the same cost as mine.

Now I’m just dragging my heels on actually going in to my current gym to quit it, b/c I feel like I hear so many stories about extra fees and all this crap gyms tack on to scare you out of leaving…ugh. I’ll probably wait on this a few weeks until I can work up the courage :-P

*In other news, I got some bananas yeserday, and LOOK:

Are any of you familiar with the Wii game SuperMonkeyBall? My friends and I are kind of obsessed with it, we always play when we’re all together (usually at the holidays). I saw/bought these yesterday at Trader Joe’s…and I literally called like four of my friends to tell them about it.

…I called my friends on a Friday night to tell them about bananas I had purchased. YEP.

Speaking of food, my eating has been really really good! Lots of good food happening over here: greek yogurt, fruit, vitatops, turkey breast sandwiches with hummus, spinach and alfalfa sprouts, Luna Bars (I would seriously do terrible things to mankind to keep my supply of Lemon Zest Luna Bars up), cottage cheese, almond milk, veggies, and of course Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Masala and Paneer Tikka Masala. I don't know if you'd consider those last two healthy, but they are just seriously so. fucking. good. That's right, so good I have to curse. That good.

*You should go over to Low Fat Kat and read this most recent post of hers, it’s about men and chocolate! We were talking about it yesterday (in that it was *her* idea and she was telling me about it - I'm not that smart) and it’s a really good post. So go see it. We may or may not have gchatted for like 4 hours yesterday. Why can’t she be a dude and I can date her?! We haven’t met in real life, but when we do, it’ll look something like this:

Additions to my earlier post slash Laura v. Technology

2010-03-24T14:30:00.004-04:00

Trying out this whole auto-publish thing. I can't tell the future, but I'm guessing this is what my 2:30 in the afternoon will sound like:

"Oh my goddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd is this day over yettttttttttttttttttttttttttttt???????"

Something like that.

Anyway, two things to add on to this morning's post:

1: I WENT TO THE GYM THIS MORNING! And better than that, I think I actually liked it! If this is your reaction, don't worry, it's mine too:

It was really good. I had to get down to business because I only had a little over 30 minutes to be there, and it's done and out of the way! I walked for 3 minutes, then ran at 5.0mph for 10:30. Then I did like 2.5 weight machines (all leg) and then had to go. I feel great about it! (my inner cynic says: "too much cheer this early in the morning, I don't even know who you are anymore...") I also enjoy that it already puts my water intake at like 30oz before my day really even starts!

I don't even mind that I had to get up at 5am, which, by the way, I also did Monday and Tuesday. I don't leave my house for work until 7:15am but I like having time to sit around, blog, and eat breakfast and pack my lunch with some thought put into it. You could tell me that I could make my lunch ahead of time, but you would be underestimating my lack of motivation to do ANYTHING after work :-P

2: I just realized I have 150 followers! What a lovely number. :-D Thank you guys! And for all your comments, too - I would be better at responding but I can't directly reply to a lot of the comments, I guess b/c you either need a gmail account for me to reply directly from my email where I get comment alerts? I don't know. My dream one day is to have my own domain, and sort of combine it with my real life blog, so I can bring my two worlds together. I don't like having parts of my life hidden from others - I want it to be one big narcissistic house of LAURA! Plus I think you guys would like my real life friends, and they'd like you a whole bunch too.

AW LOVE FEST. BARF.

oops! part deux (and...welcome to my neurosis)

2010-03-24T05:41:00.001-04:00

Okay, I'll give you one more hint about those "creative truths" - there are three facts/truths, and a sort of half-truth. So three and a half truths, and the rest are lies! MUAHAHAHAHA..hahaha...ha....guys? You still there?

I was SO sore yesterday from doing the Shred on Monday, especially my legs. I felt like I was maybe even limping a little! That's what I get for basically not exercising for three weeks! :-P

The good news is that I ate good things yesterday.

Breakfast:

*bread-free egg sandwich: We have one of those little egg cooker things that makes a nice little round egg, so I made 2 with egg subst. and put a piece of canadian bacon, most of a LCL wedge, and some ketchup in the middle. The egg was the bread! Good times.

Snack:

*Toasted Nuts 'n Cranberry Luna Bar

Lunch:

*salad: spinach, romaine lettuce, 1/4 cup feta cheese, 1/3 cup craisins, 1/3 cup chicken breast, 1 tbsp chia seeds.

Snack:

*1 serving of Wheat Thin Fiber Selects (in Garden Vegetable) crackers
*handful of Kashi Honey Sunshine cereal

Dinner:

*Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Masala meal

***

Okay, this is probably premature to be writing about - but there is this EH guy that's popped up recently, and we have been emailing and gchatting, and it is fun. I noticed that my stomach was getting that knotty feeling during/after talking to him...like in a good way.

Here's where I get nervous - in his questions to me (one of the last EH steps...such a weird process) one of the pre-made questions he opted to ask me was "During a typical week, what sort of physical activities do you enjoy?" and....that got me paranoid. I have two reasons for this:

1: Everytime I see a guy on EH describe themselves as "physically fit" or mentions anything about being "physically active", I immediately think "He's putting that out there because he wants someone that's thin/skinny/also physically fit" - it's a nice way of saying No Fat Chicks.

2: This other guy about a month or two ago went through the whole process with me only to tell me that I looked slender in some of my pictures and bigger in others - he went through the whole process to ask me if the "bigger" pictures were older and not really what I looked like - otherwise, bye. So now I'm really concerned that everyone thinks this. I put up full-body pictures of me to ensure that anyone who contacted me got the point that I was overweight (I sort of hint that I'm working on it though, in my profile) and I don't want to be one of those people that misrepresents themselves. I already have the "dealbreaker" of living at home still - yes, a perceived dealbreaker, to me - and now I might have to add that "Images may be bigger than they appear" to it?!

So now there's this guy that I actually might like, and we totally click when we're talking I might sound really neurotic, but...I'm already assuming it won't work out. He won't like me because I'm overweight. I've spent my whole life experiencing "Guys that I like never like me back" and I've never known anything different. I know it's a whole other can of ~~raging self-esteem issues~~ worms, I guess I just need to get this out there.

He invited me to hang out tonight but I said I had other plans. In my head I'm like "How long can I put off meeting him so I have time to lose as much weight as I can??!" and then the rational part of me says "That's a terrible idea". And then my crazy side doesn't respond because it's too busy drooling and gnawing on a doorknob.

oops!

2010-03-23T06:25:00.000-04:00

I ended up going home early yesterday - I was running a little bit of a fever and felt really sick. Bleh. So I seriously went to bed at 6pm and was too tired to blog :-P Apologies! Because I know you were sitting there refreshing every 4 seconds waiting for my Awards post. Don't deny it.

First up!

Okay, basically the only one that requires me to write anything is the "Creative Writer" Award, and it will have me come up with at least six outrageous lies and a few truths, and you have to figure out which! I'll never tell.

1. I've gotten hit by a car.
2. Somewhere in Japan, in someone's tourist/trip scrapbooks, there are pictures of me.
3. I've eaten alligator meat.
4. I accidentally burned part of a house down.
5. I've been in a physical fight more than once.
6. I had a three week fling with a Scottish dude.
7. I used to work for the circus.
8. I eat tomatoes like apples.
9. I'm in love with someone.
10. I was on TV during last year's Inauguration.

The other two I don't have to do anything but nominate people (and for one of them, say why they're so great!), so I'm gonna combine all three and nominate the following people for them - you can choose to accept all or some of the awards if you want!

1. Kat at Low Fat Kat. Because she's an amazing writer, hilarious, we're basically the same person, and our iPods are best friends.

2. Jessica at Living in the Gym, Kitchen and Mall She has been through a lot health-wise, and is so self-aware and really takes care of herself. And her food is SO healthy and delicious, and I love her pictures. She was my secret bloggie valentine and got me hooked on Luna Bars and Amazing Grass SuperFood powders :-)

3. Kaitlin at Everyday Grace I love how honest she is. And I really like the name of her blog! She's lost almost 50 pounds and she really is doing it with grace, I think.

4. Megan at Megan Loses We're very similar - 20somethings in DC working on weight loss. I just found her recently but she has a lot of great, relatable posts. We've got to meet in real life! :-)

5. Kat at Kat's Adventures in Dietland Her tweets are hilarious and her posts are so honest and she has lost 50 pounds! So inspiring and funny and great.

I should really do more than 5 because if you look at my blogroll..come on now. I read like 8 million. But I have to get ready for work! I should probably, you know, put in a full day there. It's a crazy idea, I know.

***Before I go, I would like to point out that after blogging yesterday morning, I did the 30 Day Shred video. Level 1, of course. And also of course, I am sore today. Good times***

That's the Weigh Love Goes

2010-03-22T05:48:00.000-04:00

Ha, well, Taylor was not as kind to me this morning. I'd go as far as saying she was HARSH.

215.6!

Up 4.6 from last week? Wow. Yikes. It sucks, and I'm disappointed because it's like I have to drop those 4 pounds all over again...and it would have been nice to get to a 50 pound loss...but at the same time, considering my weekend, I feel like some of it might be a last minute reaction from the scale in terms of my water intake (or lack of, in my case) and such. So I'm just gonna try and make this week better!

Ha, you'll notice whenever I gain, I'm like "It's just the scale!" and whenever I lose a bunch, "It's my hard work and dedication reflected accurately in the scale!" Iiiiinteresting.

***

In other news, I'm toying with the idea of switching gyms. As I read all of your blogs, and read about all the things that yours offers, I'm getting a little envious. Mine is great for the price ($30 a month), it's right by my house, and it's all women so I'm not intimidated...but it doesn't offer much. There aren't any good classes (and when there are they often get cancelled), there is one shower and I've never seen anyone use it (shady), and there aren't any other locations (like in the city, so I could go before/after/during work) I can go to. I want a gym I can be excited about, that I can really, I dunno, sink my teeth into, if you will. I could probably come up with a better metaphor/visual for that, but, you get what I mean, right?!

I don't want to pay too much more than I already do, but I would be willing to invest a little more to get back a little more, ya know? Where do you go? If you have any advice about good deals in my area (DC/Northern Virginia) email me or get in touch! I'm easily persuaded :-)

***

A biiiiiiig thank you to 266 and Scuttleboose for giving me awards! I have to skedaddle to get ready for work, but I will surely do the required steps later this evening :-)

weekend wrap up

2010-03-21T18:37:00.000-04:00

I had such a great weekend! Friday night I watched Monsters vs. Aliens – have you seen it?! I thought it was so hilarious. I love cartoon movies, I really do. Emperor’s New Groove, Up, The Incredibles…some of my faves.

Anyway, Saturday was great. I was sad to miss FitBloggin and I definitely want to go next year – but my day made up for it! I went down to Richmond (VA) to see a bunch of my friends again. I had lunch with one of my best friends – he’s my best guy friend and we’ve been friends since we were 13 years old. He was my senior prom date! He’s in med school and just got matched this week, so we had a celebratory lunch!

After lunch he came with me to my old college roommate’s birthday party, and we had cold drinks and played games in the sunshine. It was so nice. Have you ever played Ladder Golf? Looks like this:

You set them at opposite ends of a yard or whatever and toss the ball/string things and they have to hang on to the different rings to get points. It’s so fun. And if you’re immature like my friends and me, there are an infinite number of ball jokes to be made.

After the cookout I went over to the house of another friend from college – for a St. Patrick’s Day party! I had such a good time, and I had a little NSV too! My friend told me that I looked really good - she hadn't seen me since September, which was the last time I was down at their house! In fact, my first picture on the side there, the one in which I'm wearing my Orange VT shirt, I took that right before I left to see them.

And now today…just resting. I got a book from the library and I’m gonna start in on that.

Can I tell you what’s a total bummer? Fear. Kat had a great post about it recently, which I totally identify with, but in this particular instance, I’m speaking of a different kind of fear…the “of your life” kind.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/03/15/AR2010031501859.html

If you don’t feel like reading this, basically there’s a guy named The East Coast Rapist and he’s been getting away with, you guessed it, rapes, for the past 13 years. From Northern Virginia all the way to Connecticut. And the other week there was a notice of a similar person in the town where I live. AWESOME.

This guy apparently preys on women after learning their routines and habits, knowing when they'll be alone and unguarded - near their homes, or sometimes at gas stations and such. And I'm in my house by myself. It’s so nice out now and I’m literally too afraid to go out to walk/run by myself. This sucks. It sucks that someone like this exists, and that it makes me live in fear. I’m already cautious about this sort of thing anyway, I always lock doors and pay attention to my surroundings, but I don’t like being fearful about it.

I don't want to be overly dramatic, but I also want to take it seriously. If you were me, what would you do?

Anyway, just in case anyone in the DC area that reads this blog hadn’t heard about this guy…be careful please! I don’t want to sensationalize, I just think everyone should be aware.

(Moving to a different kind of terror, I don’t think I will have lost any weight this week. I ate healthfully, but I think I ate more than I did the week previous, plus my "day off" yesterday, which included lots of delicious beer and three pieces of pizza!)

omg...are you ready for this one....The Weigh I Meal

2010-03-15T06:25:00.000-04:00

TWO-FER! Ha! I can hear you all groaning and I love it. You know, I'm not really that big into puns or that kind of humor but...for some reason...if I can get you all to roll your eyes (so much that I can hear it through my monitor) then I think I've accomplished something.

Also, any Matt Wertz fans out there? I enjoy him.

Clearly I'm in a good mood, so you can guess the kind of conversation that T-Dawg and I had this morning:

211

on the dot! That's a 3.8 loss from last week! I really worked hard on my choices last week so I'm happy it was reflected in the scale.

Also, here's my food from yesterday...it doesn't seem like a lot, but I woke up late and went to bed early, so I was full allllllll day, trust.

*Breakfast:

*egg scramble: ½ cup egg subst., 1 chorizo chicken sausage, ½ cup bell pepper frozen veggie mix, a dash of cayenne pepper
*1 Trader Joe’s mini whole wheat bagel with 1 tbsp polaner’s sugar free raspberry jam
*1 scoop Amazing Grass Chocolate GreenSuperFood mix with 8 oz unsweetened vanilla almond milk

Lunch:

*1/2 cup fage 0% greek yogurt mixed with: heaping tbsp of peanut butter, 1 scoop Amazing Grass Chocolate GreenSuperFood mix, about 1/2 cup of granola

Dinner:

*sandwich: garlic naan, 3 falafal balls, 2 tbsp tzatziki sauce, alfalfa sprouts, romaine lettuce

******

Here's hoping today will be a good one for everyone!

PS - the other day I had another one of my Steaz Zero Calorie Black Cherry Sparkling Green Tea (I think I'm gonna get carpal tunnel from typing that out every time) and this was the bottlecap message:

Damn straight, Steaz! (please excuse the poor manicure)

I'm here, I'm here!

2010-03-14T12:40:00.002-04:00

I haven't fallen off any wagons, friends. Promises. I just...haven't felt inspired to post. I've been eating great but I don't really have much else to say. I'm lacking inspiration and feeling tired. I probably need to start exercising again, I bet that's a solution, she says as she puts her pajamas back on and scrolls through On Demand to see what movies are available...

I haven't been doing much. Yesterday afternoon, I did some grocery shopping. It was a dreary day and I looked like a college kid:

I felt cute for some reason. I guess because I haven't worn those jeans in two years and I *love* that hat.

And I wore these shoes with it:

I love little splashes of color like that. Thanks, Target, for making fun and cute and cheap flats.

Got some good food. Frozen and fresh fruits and veggies, new bread (thanks for your input!), more greek yogurt, VitaTops, a couple of Lean Cuisine frozen meals, and some unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk - which tastes realllllly good with a scoop of my Amazing Grass Chocolate GreenSuperFood mix!

Since I did the shopping it's been nice to incorporate veggies and fruits back into my eating. I didn't have a lot to work with before!

Let's see...anything else? EHarmony updates...I'm "communicating" with a couple of guys. I got to the point of texting with this other guy last week, but...I just wasn't feeling it, I knew it wouldn't happen and just let that one go. I'm honestly kind of looking forward to when my 3 months is up so I don't have to go through it anymore...I'm not throwing in the towel just yet but...I think it'll be relieving to be done with it. Defeatest attitude, much?! The weather is killing me!

Yeah, I definitely need a pick-me-up. I haven't seen any friends since last Tuesday...nor have I been anywhere other than work-home-work-home, rinse and repeat! Oh man, I am complaining too much. Sorry, guys!

We'll end on the good stuff - the eating! I won't list all my eats for the last couple of days, but some of them were pretty tasty and worth sharing!

For breakfast, the last few days I've been eating the same PB&J Yoatgurt (thanks Janetha!) every morning and it is scrumdiddlyumptious every time. Agh I love it so much.

For lunch yesterday I had a sandwich: honey bran country bread (thanks Trader Joe’s!!) with turkey breast, mustard and romaine lettuce and 15 wheat thins fiber garden veggie crackers (couldn’t find my garlic & herb all-bran! These were good too though)

For dinner on Friday I had Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Masala with a piece of tandoori naan. Sooo goooood.

yesterday's food. sorry no puns this morning! (cue all of you cheering and hugging)

2010-03-12T06:57:00.000-05:00

I have a question about bread. But first, a digression. When I first started weight-loss blogging, Bitch Cakes was one of the first ones I started reading. She’s great, and really inspiring. One of the things she has incorporated into her life is clean/natural eating – as in, no artificial foods/flavorings/chemicals. I had no idea that sucralose was an artificial sweetener before I read her blog. So it’s something I’m aware of much more now, and have stopped consuming a lot of things I used to…but it’s still a work in progress. Like the sugar-free-but-not-sucralose-free jam I had this morning. So:

Arnold’s Thins. You know ‘em. You love ‘em. They have sucralose in them. WHY, AT, WHY?! So I want to see if I can find a new bread for sandwiches. I opened it up to twitter and got some responses (thanks ladies!) and now I'd like to ask you fine people as well.

I’d like it to be relatively low-calorie, but really pack a nutritional punch, taste okay, and be free of as many artificial ingredients as possible. Got any ideas for me?

Also, I know, I didn't post yesterday. I was too tired and chose my bed instead!

But I did eat well. Observe:

Breakfast:

Janetha’s Yoats again! Sooo good, kept me full for almost 5 hours!

Snack:

*1/2 cup cottage cheese

Lunch:

*1/2 cup parmesan couscous with 1 cup broccoli and 3 falafal balls, crumbled

Snack:

*serving of all-bran garlic & herb crackers and wedge of brie

Dinner:

*frittata! With lump crab, grilled artichoke hearts, onion and chive. It was pretty good if I do say so myself.

aaaaaaand:

Check out the $50 shopping spree giveaway on Mary’s Weight Loss Blog! I can win an $50 Shopping Spree Giveaway from iHerb.com and so can you! Click here for contest details!

Little Bit of Meal Good

2010-03-10T20:50:00.000-05:00

I can't force myself to construct any sort of decent narrative, so you get a list*

1. I drank 140oz of water today, and 3 cups of green tea. As Joey Russo would say, Whoa!
2. I have some award-getting and giving to catch up on, I'll do this soon! But thanks to you lovely folks for thinking of me! One day I'll improve my time management skills....maybe later.
3. I ordered a new iPod today because now my poor baby doesn't even hold a charge through the whole metro ride. :-( But yay, new toy soon! PS I ordered it online b/c it's $25 cheaper (Best Buy) and you get free shipping, and even with tax it still comes out $10 cheaper than if you bought it in-store or through Apple. Booyah. But I guess we'll see how confident I am in my choice after it shows up, hopefully in one piece, free of any tomfoolery.
4. Wow, only 3 things? I'm boring.
5. Wait, I thought of another one! Keri, WELCOME TO THE DARK SIDE. Heh.
6. Okay now I really might be done.
7. Yep.
8. NOPE! I just want to ask: Do any of you watch White Collar? It's on USA so I feel a little ashamed that I'm watching what 90% of retirement homes watch all day long, but....that show is SO awesome! Anyone? Anyone?!?!
9. Okay now I'm done. On to food.

*I wrote the following this morning, when the day was young and I didn't know that my coworkers chose today to be FRANTIC at ALL TIMES...ugh.

So yesterday the uber-cool Janetha ate what she calls “PB&J Yoatgurt” for breakfast. Greek Yogurt + oatmeal. Plus other goodies.

I thought I’d give it a go this morning…by basically copying her. It’s what I do.

½ cup oatmeal (I just used Quaker instant because I’m too lazy to make steel cut, at least in the AM)
¼ cup greek yogurt (fage 0%)
1 tbsp The Bees Knees PB&Co (Scuttleboose...I can't remember where I got it, I'm sorry!)
1 tbsp Polaner’s Sugar Free Raspberry Jelly
1 tbsp chia seeds (this was my own addition!)

Mix it all together and eat. …more like INHALE. It is SO GOOD. I can't wait for breakfast tomorrow morning.

Breakfast:

*Janetha's Yoats :-)
*can of V8 (in the car on the way to the Metro)

Snack:

*1/2 cup fage 0% with 1 tbsp honey and ½ a serving of PB Puffins (the last of them!!) and 1 tbsp chia seeds

Lunch:

Falafal: 3 falafal balls (heh..balls) with 1 tbsp tzatziki, multi grain arnold’s thin
*13 Newman’s Own pretzel sticks

Snack:

*3/4 a small granny smith apple, sliced with a wedge of brie

Dinner:

*broccoli with tuna and melted cheese (string cheese :-P) I guess it was sort of like a fake/deconstructed casserole. It was pretty good!

Party at a Rich Food's House

2010-03-09T22:49:00.000-05:00

(Song is off Ke$ha's new album. It pains me a little to use that dollar sign, but I have to do her justice. I haven't actually listened to that particular song, but I'm slightly ashamed to say I like Kiss N Tell, Your Love is My Drug, and obbbviiiii Tik Tok. Sometimes I have the musical palate of a tween.)

Not much on my mind other than, I need to somehow get into the exercise groove again. I think one of the things that prevents me from going is my idea that once I’m there I have to run the fastest and the longest, and then bust my ass on weights, and then do MORE cardio and basically Biggest-Loser-Last-Chance-Workout-It every. single. time. and it feels insurmountable and I give up before I even start. I need to not set the bar so high, in that sense.

I know a lot of you are probably thinking that I should be doing that kind of workout every time, because you are! I read blogs, I see! And once I do start getting into a rhythm, it doesn’t take long before I see if I can push a little more, or sneak in a few more reps…I just hate that I set an unreachable goal that prevents me from moving at all. I need to aim lower, at least at first.

My eating is great now and I'm proud of it, and crawling out of the black hole that was January didn’t happen by going zero to sixty. In fact I’m sometimes even hyperaware of my eating, because I don’t want to start “seeing if I can eat a little less” every day, because I’ve done it before and it doesn’t lead anywhere good. Did I ever tell you about the time in grad school when I basically challenged myself to subsist on nothing but a Sugar Free Red Bull all day? I won the challenge but lost…me? Integrity? I don’t know what I lost but…it was unhealthy.

Anyway my point is that I really want to work on keeping things steady. My eating is steady (for now, one day at a time and such) and I want my workouts to be that way too…so I just need to get there.

Breakfast:

*half a WW bagel with 1 tbsp The Bees Knees PB&Co, and 1 tbsp chia seeds sprinkled on top. (not a bad combo! Though don’t eat it in front of other people because the seeds-in-teeth ratio is WAY UP on this one)

Lunch:

*peach chobani with 1 tbsp chia seeds
*sandwich: ¼ granny smith apple, sliced, small wedge of brie (sliced), few slices of turkey breast, small handful of craisins
*13 Newman’s Own pretzel sticks

Snack:
*1/2 cup cottage cheese

Another “Snack”:
*Amazing Grass Chocolate GreenSuperFood drink powder

Dinner:

*WW Smart Ones Lasagna Florentine

Haven't Met Food Yet

2010-03-09T06:03:00.000-05:00

(Um, I love Michael Buble's new song. Plus he's adorable. And it makes me think of Hamm & Buble. "...you are on the thinnest of ice." hee!)

I really did eat things yesterday, I swear! I just went to bed absurdly early and just...too...lazy.....*snores*

So anyhoodle, here's what I ate yesterday. You'll notice a lack of vegetables and fruit. I'm trying to hold off on grocery shopping until this weekend and just use what I have for now. I've got some artichoke hearts in the fridge and a little bit of spinach left...and that's it!

Also, I've seen people eating spaghetti squash again recently and I've never had it, and I want to jump on that bandwagon - where are you getting your spaghetti squash? Aren't they not in season anymore? I mean, you can get a lot of things out of season (I'm not going to bust out into a carbon-footprint rant, fear not) but...I don't think I've seen them anywhere recently.

Breakfast:

*1 Oikos 0% greek yogurt w/ honey and ¾ cup Kashi Honey Sunshine cereal and 1 tbsp chia seeds

Lunch:

*tuna sandwich: 1/3 tuna salad (can of tuna with 2 tbsp light mayo, divided in thirds), handful of spinach, 3 bread and butter pickles, slice of avocado
*Progresso Chicken Rotini soup

Snack:

*½ cup fage 0%, 1 scoop/serving chocolate green superfood, 1/3 cup granola, 1 tbsp chia seeds, 1 tbsp The Bees Knees PB&Co

Dinner:

*Trader Joe’s Vegetable Masala patty
*1/2 cup egg subst. with 1 oz. feta cheese, caramelized onions and a little bit of ketchup

Carlito's Weigh

2010-03-08T09:28:00.000-05:00

I’m back! Haha, I took a break Sunday because…you can guess how one feels after spending a night with her old college friends? Fun, but…I was a little slower than usual on Sunday!

The rest of Saturday’s eating was okay…I had lunch out with other old college friends, I got a sandwich called The Rhysdale: “Smoked turkey, cranberry spread, herbed cream cheese & petit greens” It was really good! And, okay, I got it with sweet potato fries. Which were delicious. But I left some of everything on the plate, even though I wanted to inhale it!

Dinner wasn’t really dinner, it was grazing at the food set out at the party. I ate a little more because I was also drinking (see: Sunday, slow moving) and I didn’t want things to get unfortunate! I had some grapes, a few potato chips and tortilla chips, a small piece of cheese, LOTS of cucumber slices and baby carrots, a few dips of hummus, wheat thins, bread/cheese things called mozzarella bites, oh and a few bites of this cheese dip stuff. It was all pretty tasty. I drank more than I normally do, but definitely not to the extent that I did in my actual college days! So I’m okay with it, and choosing to ignore the amount of calories I may have ingested that night!

On Sunday, after driving home, I had breakfast/lunch, (Trader Joe’s chicken tikka malala and a piece of tandoori naan) and then tried to stay awake…and failed. I took a really long nap. Then I did a little housekeeping, drank a chocolate greensuperfood mix, then went to bed.

But true to form, I got on the scale this morning!

214.8

I’ll take it! It’s 2 pounds less than last week and includes a day off AND night of drinking, so I can’t complain!

(oh also, you’ll notice I’m posting this a bit later…I took a mental health day from work – after a weekend?, you say skeptically…yes, after a weekend, I basically have anxiety every time I go into work so…I didn’t really feel like it today)

Now I’m off to go see if I can make my day somewhat productive. We’ll see how that works out!

Surf foooods with attitudes...

2010-03-06T08:45:00.000-05:00

Okay loves, I need to get ready and pack and such for my little trip, so I’ll just leave you with my breakfast eats and a little treat.

Breakfast:

*Strawberry Chobani with 2 tbsp chia seeds (gotta get ‘em all in today!)
*everything bagel, ¼ cup egg subst., ketchup, 2 slices avocado, 1 LCL wedge.
Biiig breakfast. Gotta be ready for my trip!

I think I’m also gonna make a smoothie or something to take down with me. This is all so I don’t overeat when I’m out at lunch, or make a really unhealthy choice. Maybe a little Chocolate GreenSuperFood mix, milk, ice, banana, and spinach perhaps?

And now, this silliness should hold you over until I make my glorious return tomorrow:

Bandwagon, Jumping on the.

2010-03-05T21:16:00.000-05:00

I think I’m going to call it an early night for myself here pretty soon – I’m heading down to Richmond, VA tomorrow to have lunch with my old little (fun fact! In college, I was in a co-ed business fraternity. I had three “littles”, but I really am only close with one these days. I was even in her wedding!) and then my old roommate is having a birthday party so I’m going to that. Should be fun!

(I’m also going down the weekend of the 20th – for another roommate’s birthday party, and my little is throwing a St. Patrick’s Day party. Par-TAY)

BUT FIRST!

So last week, one of my Whole Foods purchases was Steaz Zero Calorie Black Cherry Sparkling Green Tea.

They are delicious. So I was doing a bit of cleaning up this evening in preparation for my trip tomorrow, and I came across the bottlecaps of the two of four that I’ve drank so far:

HOW FUN is that?! I can’t wait to drink the other two! But I also want to savor them because…Whole Foods = Expennnsiiiiiiveeeeeeeeee.

So anyhoodle….I’m also going to jump on the “take pictures of your fridge” bandwagon. Everybody’s doing it!!!!! I only point out the things I eat, because it is still my family's fridge, and so there's a lot of stuff in the back that I don't even go near...

Like the photoshop skills on the Save-The-Date? The japanese is apparently our last name in...Japanese. The guy in the photo on my left spent a year there teaching English. Those kids are our family friends - the family that we've done Christmas and Thanksgiving together with for the past 15 years! I love them.

Top level: Steaz, Bread and Butter Pickles, Honey Mustard, and full-fat Ranch I don't touch!

Level 2: Pom seeds, Chobs, Fage, Oikos, LCL wedges and Cottage Cheese

Level 3: Feta, Brie, Goat Cheese, some pesto back there that I try my best to avoid, tzatziki sauce, and margerine - also avoid!

Level Quatro: pineapple, Trader Joe's Red Pepper Hummus, half a granny smith apple, eggs, english muffins, and half an avocado.

Crisper drawer! bean sprouts, artichoke hearts, baby spinach, onion, and lettuce. Unfortunately bare!

Turkey Breast, La Tortilla tortillas (GREAT stats!) and chicken sausage. there's other stuff in there that I don't really touch, I never venture below the tortillas really.

This is embarrassing. The freezer is a hot (cold) mess. Plus I bought like a million falafal things because I didn't want to keep making trips to the Heets all the time. You can see the Mint Choc. Skinny Cow cones I haven' had since Lent started, and my Amazing Grass Chocolate Green Super Food powder, corn, Chiken Tikka Masala meals from Trader Joe's...and...lord knows what else is in there.

Breakfast:

*Oikos 0% with Honey and 1 tbsp chia seeds
*1/2 WW bagel with 1 tbsp The Bees Knees PB&Co

Snack:

*BlueBran VitaTop
*AmazingGrass ChocolateSuperfood drink mix (just made it with water instead of milk…still tasted good, just not as rich)

Lunch:

*Tastybite Madras Lentils soup w/ 1 tbsp chia seeds mixed in
*sandwich: multi-grain arnold’s thin, 3 slices turkey breast

Snack:

*coffee w/1 half&half packet
*1 serving of All-Bran Garlic & Herb crackers
*5 or so pineapple chunks

Dinner:

*sandwich: turkey breast, brie, granny smith apple slices, lettuce on a multi-grain arnold’s thin
*13 newman’s own pretzel sticks
*can of V8

Meality Bites

2010-03-04T20:49:00.001-05:00

Thank you all SO much for your advice! I ended up going with hair down, nude hose, a pastel cami and a semi-chunky necklace. It actually looked really good. I *felt* really good. It was just the right amount of "personality". Not sure how the interview went - I'm always my worst critic.

(oh, for those that said to lose the white collared shirt, the whole thing is actually a dress, with the shirt and the skirt attached so unfortunately that wasn't an option! Otherwise that's exactly what I would have done)

In other news, my order from Amazon came in yesterday, so today was my first day trying chia seeds! They are fun! They added a fun crunch to my yogurt and I added them to my hummus for dinner just....because! 2 tbsp is 70 calories and if you read up on the benefits....wowza. Good stuff there. So they add a fun crunch and apparently do wonders for your body?! HOLLER. Gonna keep up the usage and see how it goes! For those of you that are already on the chia seed bandwagon, how much do you usually eat in a day? I've seen recommendations anywhere from 1-4 tbsp.

And now I'm going to crawl into bed and get a good long night's sleep. Sweet sassy molassy, I am so happy tomorrow is Friday.

Breakfast

*Strawberry Chobani with 1 tbsp chia seeds mixed in
*egg sandwich: multi-grain arnold’s thin, 2 slices avocado, little bit of ketchup, and ½ cup egg subst.

Lunch:

*salad from Mixt Greens: The “Siam”: mixed greens, green papaya, jicama, mango, cucumber, red pepper, fresh herbs, spicy peanuts, marinated tofu and a thai lemongrass vinaigrette. SO GOOOOOD!

Dinner:

*1/2 a tandoori naan dipped in red pepper hummus
*sandwich: tandoori naan with a veggie masala patty with red pepper hummus
*steaz black cherry sparkling green tea

By fashion show I meant....not a fashion show.

2010-03-03T20:42:00.001-05:00

Sadly, friends, I have to take back what I said about the fashion show. I'm sorry!!!! I even went to Target just now to see if they had any dress skirts/slacks to give myself more options, but they stank up the joint with their selection. Which is to say, lack of a selection. I'm sure I'll have a wardrobe crises in the near future and this blog will be the FIRST place I come to!

After trying on two different dresses with my suit jacket, there is a clear winner, so much so that I don’t need to show you the other one. I feel better in this one, I look better, it looks better. It’s a little more straight-laced than I usually wear for interviews, as I like to have a little flair (ha, Office Space) but I think it’ll be okay for this organization, they’re more on the professional-dress side than the laid-back kind of non-profit.

Yes, that mirror is clean now (it's the mirror, not the dress. I wouldn’t even want the evidence to see the light of day but it’s the best shot of the outfit. I cleaned it right after I looked at this picture. For reals.
I DO still need opinions on a couple things:

1) Is there a way to incorporate any sort of color/personality into this outfit? I could wear a colored tank-top underneath the dress, and it’ll peek through the v-neck part. I just don't want to be too severe, but maybe I'm not, you tell me!

2) Should I wear black hose/tights? Basically I’ll be in all-black. But I have nude hose as well. I have to wear something because it’s FREEZING out, and I’m pretty sure it’s appropriate for interviews. (Shoes are close toed so I don’t have to worry about any toe situation, thankfully)

3) Hair? HALP!

My Life Would Suck Without Foo(d)

2010-03-03T20:40:00.004-05:00

Breakfast:

*egg scramble: ½ cup egg subst., small handful of diced onion and red pepper, 1 chorizo chicken sausage sliced up, slathering of ketchup :-)

Snack:

*BlueBran VitaTop

Lunch:

*wrap: La Tortilla Whole Grain White wrap, 2 slices avocado, 4 slices turkey, handful of bean sprouts, 6 bread and butter chips, tbsp or so of honey mustard
*11 baby carrots
*4 pinapple chunks – all that would fit in the bento box!! But they’re huge so it’s probably more like 7 or 8…
*can of V8

Snack:

*half a garlic naan
*2 tbsp red pepper hummus

Dinner:

*1/2 cup cottage cheese
*Trader Joe’s Paneer Tikka Masala meal (EFFING DELICIOUS)

Waiting for My Meal Life to Begin

2010-03-02T22:38:00.000-05:00

Looking in the mirror this morning (at home and in the bathroom at work) I’m starting to feel more like myself. I think this seems to be the threshold of weight where I start to “emerge” from myself. Anything above, I kind of feel like an inanimate blob. But now, I’m just starting to feel like a person who is overweight. I think that’s kind of a huge thing. I know I shouldn’t even be of the mind to begin with, but it’s nice to start coming out of it.

Also, I have these Lane Bryant pants I wore today...they’re size 22 and WAY too big on me for me to be wearing out in public. I mean, I’m wearing size 18 jeans comfortably, but it’s always nice to see my change in sizes reinforced!

During SWL1 I only got down to the tippytiptopperson of wearing 16s. I was at 197 and most of my 18s were too big, and I could only baaarely fit into one pair of my 16s. I really want to get to those 16s. I know it’s a ways away, but it’s really kind of a mini-goal of mine. I can’t remember wearing 16s. To me that’s almost a “normal” size, at least relative to my own experiences in the past 6 years or so!

PS – I am preparing you now – I need some help with choosing an outfit for an interview I have coming up Thursday. I’m going to have a fashion show on the ol’ blog tomorrow night. Usually Mother100in12 gives me her honest opinion on outfits but she’s (along with Father100in12) still down in Florida! …no doubt mocking the weather we’re having here. But anyway, just be ready for that tomorrow evening!

Breakfast:

*1 Vanilla Chobani with ¾ cup Kashi Honey Sunshine cereal mixed in

Snack:

*1 multi-grain Arnold’s Thin with 1.5 tbsp The Bees Knees PB&Co

Lunch:

*sandwich: 3 slices turkey breast, 1-2 tbsp red pepper hummus, small handful of baby spinach, 1 garlic naan
*9 baby carrots
*half a red pepper cut in thin slices
*serving of all-bran garlic & herb crackers

Snack:

*BlueBran VitaTop
*half a pink lady apple

*cup of coffee around 3pm…how long has it been since I had coffee? At least a week. (another at 3:30! Sweet sweet nectar…) total of 3 half&half things, totaling 45 calories, and ½ a splenda packet, 0 cals but aspartame…ewwwww

Dinner:

*salad: chicken breast, spinach, ¼ cup of each: goat cheese crumbles, craisins, pomegranate seeds.

(had over a gallon of water today, plus 2 or 3 cups of green tea, I can’t remember! I write it down at work and then…forget to bring it home with me. Meh.)

Meal Simple

2010-03-01T21:18:00.000-05:00

Today was a reasonably good day. Work was meh. Food was good. Water intake was great (over a gallon)! Exercise was good. I hopped on the treadmill for a fast walk for 30 minutes. I was definitely sweating!

Do you guys ever look at the website Cute Overload? Please look at this post, it warms my heart to an unbelievable degree.

Breakfast:

*half a piece of tandoori naan
*1/4 cup egg subst. with a few dashes of hot sauce
*pomegranate and passion fruit siggi yogurt (the Icelandic kind! ridonkulously thick and much more tart than any yogurt i've had, but i kind of liked it! i really liked how thick it was. TWSS!)
*can of V8

Snack:

*Cranbran VitaTop

Lunch:

*1/2 cup cottage cheese
*sandwich: 2 tbsp red pepper hummus, 4oz turkey breast, 1 multi-grain arnolds thin, 1/4 or so alfalfa sprouts? They’re kind of hard to measure. (SO GOOOOOD)
*9 baby carrots

Snack:

*1 serving of all-bran garlic&herb crackers

Snack:

*half a pink lady apple

Snack:

*Amazing Grass Amazing Meal (Pomegranate Mango Infusion flavor) right before I left work!

This one is by far my least favorite. Not bad tasting, but I liked the other ones much better. Like the chocolate ones for example. Which I ordered.

Dinner: (Apparently I’m craving protein like a what what, even though I had about 60some grams racked up from the day already)

I was preparing to make a salad, but then I didn’t know what dressing to use, so I gave up and put it all back and ate the following instead, and it totally hit the spot. – Yes, I was too lazy to make a SALAD. Ha!

*turkey breast with roasted red pepper hummus. (Take slice of turkey. Dip in hummus container. I am a classy, classy individual)
*1/2 a cup of cottage cheese.

Water intake was 132oz plus 3 cups of green tea!

Twistin' the Night Aweigh

2010-03-01T06:18:00.001-05:00

Who doesn't love a lil Sam Cooke reference in the morning? I certainly do.

So, T-Dog and I are buddies this morning:

216.8

WOO!

That’s 3.6 down from last week. Totally happy with that. Though I’m over my March starting off point, I think I made a good dent this week in catching up to it.

It also means I lost 9 pounds this month, and I am definitely happy about that!

(For those of you that are new and/or not familiar with my strangeness, T-Dog is short for Taylor, which is the name of my scale. Because that's the brand name. I name my inanimate objects, but that doesn't mean I have to be creative! I named my car too - her name is Daisy. I have a friend whose iPod is named Bridget. Does anyone else name inanimate objects in their life?)

Cracked Rear Food (Oh, 1990s Hootie. I miss you sometimes)

2010-02-28T18:06:00.000-05:00

No time to fool around, kids! I have some work to get to before I aim for an early bed time. (I totally know how to party. Totes McGotes.)

Oh, but I guess I’ll tell you about EH: The Sequel. We went to a create-your-own stir fry place that’s located sort of in between our two areas. The food was okay. The date was okay.

It was definitely better than the first one, that’s for sure. There were a few awkward silences, like we didn’t have transitions or segues into new topics sometimes. After lunch we just walked around for a while. I think our wit matches up fairly well. I’m still not sure if I’m attracted to him yet.

I’m definitely more willing to talk to him further, maybe see him again.

When you date, or when you dated, is/was the physical attraction there right away? Did it build over time?

The guys I’ve liked in the past that I didn’t immediately have an attraction for, it built over time as I spent more time around them, since we moved in the same circles. It wasn’t like EHarmony, where you’re specifically meeting with the pretense of starting a relationship. That’s one thing I don’t like about EHarmony. I don’t think I’m good at going on dates, and that’s the only opportunity you really have to see someone in EH’s case. I suppose it's entirely possible that I'm not cut out for EHarmony, but I'm still going to keep trying through my three months.

I’m probably overthinking it. I guess we’ll just see what happens from here!

Breakfast:

*Oikos 0% with Honey, with ¾ cup Kashi Honey Sunshine mixed in
*cup of pinapple chunks (big chunks, maybe like 6 or so)

Snack:

*tandoori naan with roasted red pepper hummus
*cup of mint green tea

Lunch:

As I mentioned, we went to a create-your-own stir fry place. It was okay, my sauce was REALLY salty, which was unfortunate. But overall not bad and definitely not calorie heavy. The best part is that their website has a “build your bowl” tool and it simultaneously calculates the calories.

Mine was: chicken, water chestnuts, spinach, baby corn, peppers, and bean sprouts, with an asian black bean sauce. Even with two servings of the sauce AND chicken (which I’m not sure I used, I’m just overestimating in case) it comes to like 350 calories. Totally fits into my day.

Dinner:

*10 black olives
*6 bread and butter pickle chips
*spoonful of The Bees Knees PB&Co
*1/2 cup cottage cheese
*small wedge of brie

Holy WTF, Batman. Such a random dinner. But I went on the “What would taste good right now?” meal plan, and I just took reasonable portions of each :-P This dinner does basically make up almost all of my favorite foods.

Foody

2010-02-27T22:09:00.000-05:00

(Would you believe me if I told you I've never seen Rudy? Haven't seen it. What is your "How Can You Not Have Seen That?!" movie? I guess mine would be Rudy, and...wait for it, I'm not joking...A Christmas Story. I have literally never seen A Christmas Story.)

Today was moderately productive. Did the grocery shopping, as I wrote earlier. Did some laundry. Worked on a cover letter. Yes, that is my definition of moderately productive. There were about 8 other things that I should have done today to make life easier for myself. Instead, I’ll wait until about 6pm tomorrow night to do it all. Once a procrastinator, always a procrastinator…but just later on.

Food was good considering it’s the weekend and I usually have a tough time with eating too much. But I did well today, I think. Thought not enough water consumption. I think I had maybe like 30oz. Yikes!

Breakfast:

*garlic naan with 3 tbsp roasted red pepper hummus (can you tell I like this combo?)
*4 or 5 pineapple chunks

Snack:

*½ cup cottage cheese

Lunch:

*hanful of baby carrots with sabra hummus, individual size
*sandwich: multi grain arnold’s thin, some of the sabra hummus, romaine lettuce, and 1 vegetable masala patty
*6 strawberries
*Steaz Zero Calorie Black Cherry Sparkling Green Tea (one of today’s Whole Foods purchases)

Snack:

*cup and a half of edamame! (with the pods and everything, I don’t know what it works out to with just the beans)

Dinner:

*the falafel salad I had the other day: romaine lettuce, red pepper, alfalfa sprouts, 4 falafal balls crumbled, 2 or 3 tablespoons tzatziki sauce.

so, I'm totally bored, can you tell? Even I would skip reading this post. Unless you like talking about grocery stores.

2010-02-27T12:39:00.000-05:00

You know what? I love grocery shopping. And grocery stores. It combines my love of food and things. (I know, I love things. It’s why I love gift shops and Target. THINGS as far as thee eye can see!) And I also love when people have the same little idiosyncrasies as I do when it comes to grocery stores and shopping. So let’s dive in, shall we?

Oh wait, for more uselessness, look at the outfit I wore out on my grocery errands today. I felt cute. Just don't worry about the Saturday Morning I Don't Give A Shit Hair.

Dress is from Old Navy, sweater is Target, earrings are NY&Co, and the scarf was a present from a friend.

I think my favorite grocery store is Harris Teeter (or Wegman’s but I’ll get to that later). I went to the HT today. I love that I can get specialty/health stuff there, but also just regular groceries. Because, really. So I got some cottage cheese, turkey, scallops (hello, impulse buy!) avocados, craisins, falafel, and for a special treat, some brie and goat cheese crumbles. I. LOVE. CHEESE. And I don’t really eat it that much, or as much as I should considering my love for the stuff.

Background! My very first job, when I was 16, was working for a German specialty deli/grocery store (in Falls Church for those from this area – ever been to German Gourmet?). I did cashier stuff and stocking and helping the customers. I took German in high school and studied abroad there for a month, so my German wasn’t half bad and a lot of our customers were super authentic. I also worked behind the deli. So yeah, I can use a meat slicer with the best of ‘em. But we had some of the BEST cheeses there and I’m spoiled by having champagne tastes on a PBR budget, at least cheese-wise. In every other sense I have pretty cheap tastes and I'm totally okay with that.

Anyway. So I got some goat cheese crumbles, probably to make a salad with some craisins, spinach…and who knows what else I’ll throw in there. The brie I got...just for eating. Brie is probably my favorite cheese. Whenever I hear someone mention brie, my initial reaction is always “Oh my god, I fucking love brie” haha, like it makes me a little angry. That’s so weird.

Trader Joe’s is quickly rising in the ranks due to my recent discovery of their Indian food. I went there today and literally everything I got from was Indian food. Chicken Tikka Masala, Paneer Masala, two kinds of naan, and their vegetable masala patties. Their Indian food is exceptionally good. And it’s decently priced too, at least the stuff I buy.

I went to Whole Foods today for the first time ever. It was okay. I didn’t get much but it still managed to be expensive :-P But I guess that’s how it goes. I mostly got things I’ve been wanting to try for a while, or stuff that looked like a fun special treat. Definitely not a store I plan on going into often. Cannot. Afford.

I didn’t go there today, but I also love Wegman’s. For the same reasons I love HT. In addition they also have a decent kitchen/housewares type section that’s fun to wander through. If it wasn’t for The Wegs I wouldn’t have my Bento Box! The Wegs also has a really good Indian food bar and salad bar apparently, and you can go and eat meals there like a restaurant, but I’ve yet to do that. Whenever I hear someone talk about Wegman’s, it’s usually with the same enthusiasm that I reserve for Brie. So people really like it. Me too.

And of course, each of these places has the certain items that I get – people do that, right? Go to certain stores for certain things, even of other stores might also sell them? It’s a matter of preference of brands I suppose. Or neuroses? I don’t know.

I'll leave this entirely useless post with a question to you - for those of you that enjoy the deliciousness that is Chobani, have you had the raspberry flavor yet?! If so, where on god's green earth did you get it!?!? Raspberry yogurt is my FAVORITE of all time, and I'm so excited Chobani makes it, but I can't find it anywhere. HALP!

I meal it in my fingers, I meal it in my tooooeessss (what's up, Love Actually!)

2010-02-26T23:32:00.000-05:00

Today I had a “moment”. You may have seen it if you follow me on Twitter (which I probably shouldn’t/can’t do at work anymore…people are on to me, for serious. All the more reason I need a Droid so I can do it on my phone all covert-like. No one can keep me from procrastinating! – sorry, did you say something about wondering why I can’t get a full time job? I don’t follow.)

ANYWAY, PARENTHETICAL THOUGHTS. So here’s my moment. I ordered two things on Amazon today (see: Work Morals, Dwindling) – chia seeds and some Green SuperFood drink powder. Less than a month ago, I had no idea these two things even existed, and now I’m ordering them because I want to make them a part of my life.

And come to think of it – before this blog, I had never heard of VitaTops. I had NO idea about the existence of greek yogurt much less its benefits. I mean, beyond eating terribly, there was so much I didn’t know.

So today, I am just really thankful. Thankful for whatever possessed me to start writing this blog last August. And to continue writing. It’s funny – if you look at the archives, I wrote one post in August, and didn’t write again until a week later. It was such an impulse thing to start this and I wasn’t sure, even after hitting publish, that I would follow through. I am so thankful I did.

I am so thankful for all of you. Thankful for how freaking smart all of you are. Like I said, all of the food I never tried and now love, or all of the exercise tips (intervals, eating protein after a workout, etc) I never would have known had it not been for you guys.

For finding your blogs and connecting with you and learning from you. I never dreamed how helpful it would be to talk to people (even just online) that really truly know what I’m going through, that know what it’s like to wear jean sizes in the 20s, and that want so badly to never experience it again, or are just working towards happiness. You all let me whine, and complain, and be myself when it’s good and when it’s bad, and you still offer support and suggestions and ideas and humor and I can’t thank you enough.

Okay enough mushy stuff. FART JOKE!

…that’s better.

Breakfast:

*6 big strawberries
*1/2 cup cottage cheese
*half a WW bagel with 1 tbsp The Bees Knees PB&Co

Snack:

*1 serving of peanut butter puffins
*Chobani peach yogurt! (I cannot get over how much protein these things have. LOVE.)

Lunch:

*11 baby carrots
*sandwich: garlic naan, tbsp of roasted red pepper hummus, half a LCL wedge, a little bit of baby spinach, alfalfa sprouts (this was SO GOOD)
*small/medium banana

Snack:

*half a pink lady apple
*CranBran VitaTop

Dinner: (if you want to call it that)

*garlic naan folded in half with 1-2 tbsp roasted red pepper hummus spread
*serving of peanut butter puffins

Dinner was ridonk because I had to grab something in literally 20 seconds – between getting home and leaving to make the movie on time, I only had time to use the bathroom and throw something together so I wouldn’t come home and eat my foot. Or a cake. Or both. So I’m happy I had the sense to make sure I got some food, but not happy that I probably didn’t eat enough calories today, and not happy that what I ate for dinner I had already had during the day! I don’t like to repeat!

(Water intake was 110oz and then 3 cups of green tea, I believe)

Meal Big Fish

2010-02-25T20:43:00.000-05:00

Ate good stuff today. The only thing that wasn’t great was the Progresso Soup – it tasted great but the sodium for the particular kind I had was THROUGH THE ROOF insane. Like 41% in ONE serving. How can a can of soup have 82% of a person’s daily sodium intake!? It’s not right. Good thing I drank a lot of water today (116oz plus 5 cups of green tea)

Really looking forward to the weekend. Gonna see Shutter Island with a friend tomorrow, do absolutely nothing and love it on Saturday, and then I’ve got a EH date on Sunday. Should be good.

AAAAAAND I'm going to go to bed in 4 seconds. I'm so tired! I need a good night's sleep, homeslices.

Oh, before I go, can anyone give me their experience with/opinion on the iPod 160GB Classic? (the new one with the cover flow and all that...)

Breakfast:

*3/4 cup egg subst. with 1/4 cup reduced fat sharp cheddar, 1 diced slice of canadian bacon
*1/2 cup cottage cheese
*1/2 a banana

Snack:

*one serving of peanut butter puffins (I took what was left of the box and portioned it out to make it easier on myself. I still resent this cereal for being so damned delicious)

Lunch:

*half a pink lady apple diced,half a banana sliced
*PB sandwich: honey wheat arnold's thin with 1 TBSP The Bees Knees PB&Co peanut butter. I heart PB&Co!
*1 serving of All-Bran Garlic & Herb crackers

Snack:

*9 baby carrots
*100 calorie bag of 94%fat free kettle corn (Smart Pop stuff!)

Dinner:

*Progresso Manhattan Clam Chowder soup (left about ¼ a cup of broth in the bowl)
*garlic naan bread dipped in TJ’s Roasted Red Pepper Hummus

You Make Me Meal So Young

2010-02-24T22:09:00.000-05:00

…I don’t really have anything to write about other than what I ate and exercised. I’m boring. Ha, am I a better writer when I’m “tortured” and going completely off the rails with my eating? That’s not exactly incentive! I think I'm just tired - it's been a long day.

See: when I got home tonight I got out of the car and walked to go check to the mail (the boxes are all clustered together at the other end of the neighborhood). I still had my keys in my hand and when I got to the mailbox, I started to hit the "Unlock" button on my car's remote, like I was going to open the mailbox that way....YIKES.

Here, you can have some random pictures.

The two Luna bars I bought the other day but am saving until Lent is over...they are borderline sweets with those flavors!

I took this one two years ago at the SF Zoo. It still cracks me up. And yes, I've totally submitted it to Cute Overload.... :-)

Took this one on my phone during a particularly exhausting grad school study session.

Breakfast:

Egg scramble: ½ cup egg subst. with 1 chorizo chicken sausage cut up and a couple dashes of hot sauce.

Lunch:

*Trader Joe’s Chicken Tikka Masala
*4 strawberries and 4 BIG pineapple chunks cut up

Snack:
*1 100 calorie bag of Smart Pop Kettle Corn
*handful of baby carrots

*Another GreenSuperFood packet on the way home to the gym!

At the gym I did a 30 minute elliptical course, and then 5 minutes cool down, also on the elliptical. It was good times.

Dinner:

*1 Vegetable Masala patty (Trader Joe’s wins again!)
*Egg subst. “omlette” – egg subst. and a small handful of reduced fat sharp cheddar with a lil bit of ketchup on top.

Random but DELISH and totally hit the spot. Observe:

We're Gonna Rock Down To Electric AveFood.

2010-02-23T19:52:00.002-05:00

So, my arms were totally sore today, as were my inner thighs. Love it! Love it slash…ouch? But really it’s awesome because it means I did what I set out to do yesterday, which was totally rip my arms. Boom.

Green tea count: I had 5 cups today, and only because I left work early to meet with some old grad school people about potential job stuff (nothing to get excited about yet but I’m still gonna pursue every option!)

Breakfast:

Open faced egg sandwich! – half an everything bagel, 1 tbsp of ketchup, 1 slice Canadian bacon, egg subst with a little sprinkling of garlic salt.
*half a banana
*glass/cup of milk

Lunch:

*tastybite madras lentils
*sandwich: same as yesterday, which I forgot to add, also had a sprinkling of feta cheese! So feta, roasted red pepper hummus, 1 LCL wedge, a few slices of turkey breast, alfalfa sprouts
*4 diced strawberries, half a banana sliced

Snack:

*handful of baby carrots dipped in about half of a sabra individual size hummus thing (scooped into the dressing/dips container in my Bento!)

*on the way home I had another greensuperfood mix – this one was wheat grass, and I didn’t hate it! Totally getting hooked on these things, I think.

Dinner:

*the most amazing salad ever: romaine lettuce, big chunks of red pepper, alfalfa sprouts, sprinkling of feta cheese, 4 falafal balls crumbled, 2 or 3 tablespoons tzatziki sauce.

AH.MAH.GAH. So good. SO GOOD. I love greek flavors and this is just…insanely good. I love falafel. It’s one of those things if I see it on a menu somewhere, I end up ordering it like 95% of the time.

(PS – if you’re ever in DC and like falafel, go to Amsterdam Falafal in Adams Morgan. It is the best ever. For serious. I’d add some things in caps-lock right about now, all-shouty-like, but I feel I’ve internet-shouted enough in this post, no?)

And for a complete 180, in totally disgusting news, I think we have some critters living in our walls on our top floor. I can hear scratching in my walls and little squeaks. We've had mice before but, God help me, whatever these things are sound bigger. Squirrels maybe? I think we've had squirrels in attic before. It doesn't surprise me since it's been so cold the little guys are probably looking for some warmth. That doesn't bother me but...I'm afraid they're going to 1: chew through the wall (seriously I know nothing about this, I'm going on my girly-girl animal instincts which are severely lacking) and then climb on my face or 2: die and then stink to high heaven. And it's been warmer as of late, so they need to find a new home. Has anyone had any experience with this!? What do I do? Can I do anything about it?? UUGHHHH

**Okay I'll divert your attention to GOOD NEWS! GOOD NEWS! Lent: Sweets 'n Jobs is still going strong!**

oooh, look over here! eat move love is having a luna bar giveaway! i'm a luna bar convert. so don't go an enter to give me better odds. whaaaaaat! just kidding :-) ...maybe.

Can You Meal the Love Tonight

2010-02-22T21:33:00.002-05:00

I feel like I have a lot in my food section. But most of those are cups of green tea...I drank SEVEN today. I have no idea why. I just kept going back and filling up over and over. Oh well. Antioxidants, here I come.

I actually had a pretty good day, I think. I managed to motivate myself to go to the gym, I ate really healthfully, and I got to use a new lunchbox!

I picked myself up a Bento Box the other day! (made by Laptop Lunches, which is basically for kids but who cares)

Look how cute! The fruit and the cracker ones have lids that go on them and to the right there's a space for utensils. Which I didn't use, because I'm classy.

Breakfast:

*strawberry chobani
*half a pink lady apple
*banana

Between breakfast and lunch:

*cup of green tea
*half a lara bar
*another cup of green tea!
*aaand another cup of green tea
*and another cup of green tea

Lunch:

*baby carrots
*sandwich: roasted red pepper hummus, 1 LCL wedge, a few slices of turkey breast, alfalfa sprouts (this was SO GOOD) I had to stop and pace myself to keep from wolfing it down it 2 seconds. OMNOMNOM.
*mix of pineapple and strawberry chunks
*all-bran garlic & herb crackers
*can of V8

*another cup of green tea
*another cup of green tea (that makes 6!)
*another cup of green tea (7...yeesh)

*other half of the lara bar
*then I made the berry flavored greensuperfood packet to drink on the way home before the gym!

The gym!
2 minutes walking, 8 minutes running at 5.0mph
4 weight machines
2.5 minutes on the stairmill
one more weight machine
3 minutes running at 5.5mph
3 minutes walking at 2.6mph

Dinner: (aka Breakfast for Dinner) proteintastic!

*cup of cottage cheese
*egg subst. with Canadian bacon with a little bit of ketchup

Post Script up in this bitch!

Jen @ Prior Fat Girl is doing a totally sweet giveaway. Check.Check.Check-a-Check it out!

Taking part of my lunch break to drop some knowledge

2010-02-22T13:15:00.000-05:00

Okay Steve and Keri, you asked for it...don't say I didn't warn you.

PB Puffins, street code name Crack, are a delicious cereal.

Dish This says it best: "This puffin is like the dieter's version of Joe the Camel - sure he looks all cute and cuddly, but really he unlocks the door to something addictive and dangerous..."

I guess the stats aren't terrible, but only when you look at them from a 1-serving-size-perspective. 15 handfuls later, maybe not so much? OHBUTTHEY'RESOGOOD. I'm sorry, the addict inside of me crept out for a second there.

I would tell you to go out and get some because they're amazing, but I don't want to contribute to anyone's Puffin Bender and inevitable downward spiral into this cereal addiction.

When I was getting ready for work this morning, I was literally carrying the box around with me. Like all over the house. Like a child carries his/her favorite blankie. I was carrying the Puffins but I didn't end up eating any because I ran out of time, but I WANTED THEM and COULDN'T PUT THEM DOWN. Yikes, friends.

PS - my lunch today is DELICIOUS and super healthy and adorably packaged. I took pictures. You'll see it later :-)

Any Weigh You Want It

2010-02-22T05:53:00.000-05:00

This morning Taylor says:

220.4

Same as last week! To be honest with you, my initial reaction is frustration, but I think considering I ate my weight in peanut butter puffins this weekend, it’s okay. I’m going to accept my maintain.

(Sarah, re: your comment, I am NOT buying any more of these after this box is done...there's maybe 1/4 of the box left now and that's after having it for two days! Haha, it's not good. These are a total danger zone. I wonder if I could rig up a system like in greeting cards where everytime I open the pb puffins box it plays Highway To The Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins.)

In other news, my sad little giveaway ended, and KatDoesDiets is the winner! Hooray!

In other other news, I made it through all the stages with another EHarmony Guy. EHarmony Guy 2, I guess. EHarmony Guy: The Squeakuel. EHarmony Guy: The Empire Strikes Back. Anyway, he’s actually one of the guys I initiated contact with, so that’s cool I guess. We’re meeting next Sunday afternoon. We’ll see what happens!

*Speaking of Highway To The Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins, I had that as my ringtone for about a year...do you know how many smiles and laughs and compliments I got on it?! Haha, seriously, if random people heard my phone ring they'd come up to me and be like "That's. Awesome." People love them some Top Gun.

Man! I Meal Like a Woman!

2010-02-21T21:03:00.000-05:00

Gotta make this one quick - it's time for me to get to bed (9pm, yes I am 26 and have the same sleep schedule as most 4 year olds...or 84 year olds for that matter) because I feel a long day comin' up tomorrow!

Breakfast:

*scramble: egg subst., 1/3 red pepper diced, 1 spicy chorizo chicken sausage sliced, 1 tbsp ketchup
*cup of pb puffins with vanilla chobani

Snack:

*garlic naan dipped with roasted red pepper hummus

Lunch:

*fruit salad – strawberries, pineapple, ½ a pink lady apple all chopped up
*sandwich: arnold’s thin, roasted red pepper hummus, alfalfa sprouts, feta cheese, turkey breast
*can of V8

Snack:

*handful of pretzels
*handful of…guess…pb puffins! :-P

Dinner:

*Steamed carrots
*big hunk of bread with margarine
*diced baked potatoes
*chicken cordon bleu

(went over to my friend’s family’s house for dinner…they were having a big “family dinner” – grandparents, all the siblings and spouses, kids, and then they invited me! – and dinner was delish!)

You've Lost That Lovin' Mealin'

2010-02-20T20:02:00.001-05:00

Nothing happened today. Very low key, which is definitely a good thing!

So...I hope this doesn’t count. Going into Lent, my biggest concern was that I would accidentally forget about the sweets thing. I can be pretty forgetful.

This morning, I wanted to get to the grocery store early but didn’t want to go on an empty stomach, so for Breakfast I took a Luna Bar (Lemon Zest..NOMNOMNOM) and made a GreenSuperFood drink mix…and it was chocolate flavored. Now..okay, it’s a health drink mix, so it’s not like I ate cake. But still! Hrmmmm. I’ll try and forgive myself for this one, since I am avoiding Deep Chocolate Vitatops and my Dark Chocolate Dreams PB&Co. I think I can let a drink mix go.

Lunch:

I had sushi , and then some garlic naan with red pepper hummus. Random but both hit the spot.

Snack:

Half a pink lady apple
Cup of peanut butter puffins

Snack:

Serving of popchips
Handful of peanut butter puffins (I sense an obsession coming on….)

Dinner:

The other half of the pink lady apple from earlier
Wrap: tomato basil la tortilla wrap, 1 LCL wedge, 3 avocado slices, turkey breast, honey mustard, bread and butter pickles, alfalfa sprouts

Aaaand then I had like 18 handfuls of peanut butter puffins. YIKES, GUYS.

(in other obsession news, head on over to Jessica's blog to enter her chobani giveaway!)

I'm too excited to be pun-ny!

2010-02-19T20:10:00.001-05:00

I got my SecretValentineBloggieGiftieSchmiftieWhatever today! The incomparable Janetha of meals and moves set this up for everyone who expressed interest and EEE! I LOVE getting things in the mail. No, really:

It turned from excitement to love:

I’m so weird.

Anyway, the awesomely fantastic Jessica is my new best friend! So many fun things in the package:

As you see there is some popcorn and tea (which I’m drinking right now and it’s delish!) and so many other goodies that I can’t wait to try.

The way to my heart is through postal mail. I swear.

Here’s the food for the day!

Breakfast:
*vita top (blue bran...not as good as cran bran!)
*Oikos 0% Greek Yogurt w/Honey (the little individual kind) - with some Kashi Honey Sunshine Cereal mixed in
*cup of black coffee

Snack:

*green apple
*the rest of my Kashi Honey Sunshine cereal...less than a handful.

*cup of green tea!

Lunch:

*baby carrots
*serving of all-bran garlic & herb crackers
*peanut butter sandwich: peanut butter & co The Bees Knees with 1 honey wheat arnold's thin
*can of V8

Dinner:

*everything bagel with: mayo, turkey breast, bread and butter pickles
*2 servings of salt & vinegar pop chips

And as I mentioned, now I’m drinking tea, it’s from Jessica’s package and it’s Celestial Seasonings Sugar Cookie Sleigh Ride Holiday Tea. It’s right on time, considering 1: Lent: Sweets ‘n’ Jobs is still in effect, so it fills a nice void and 2: it reminds me of a more magical winter, more Christmas-y and less dirt-covered snow piles as tall as me causing accidents and taking up half the Metro parking lot. Not that I’m bitter. Anyway, it reminds me of a happier wintertime so I love it!

(and I'm OBVIOUSLY drinking the tea in the Penguin Sex Mug. Of course I am.)

(I'm so glad you all appreciated my Penguin Sex Mug story)

Hey Food

2010-02-18T20:53:00.002-05:00

(post title original is Hey Dude, a fantastic old show of my childhood that was on Nickelodeon. Oh, the days!)

So I mentioned in a tweet this morning that I had a dumb thing and a heartwarming thing to talk about. The heartwarming thing is below in the dinner section, so here's the dumb thing.

I was getting my coffee this morning and used this mug:

So, this mug was my favorite one growing up. No rhyme or reason other than: Penguins! Being cute! So when I went to college I wanted to take it with me; just to give me a little dose of home while I was away. I'm discussing this with my parents, telling them to which mug I am referring, and they go: "Oh, the one with all the penguins having sex?"

LOOK CLOSER.

All KINDS of sex positions. What. The. Hell. I had never noticed. I didn't bother to look closer, because, it's just cute penguins, you know? Just hangin' out. Apparently engaging in an enormous orgy. Luckily the mug still manages to remain one of my favorites as I somehow protected my childhood innocence that was connected to the mug. Probably just blocked out the part about animal sex. Ugh.

Now that you've got animal sex on the brain, let's talk about food. I'm sure there's a weird joke or a segue in there somewhere? No? Well you can't win 'em all.

Breakfast:

*3/4 cup cottage cheese
*half of an everything bagel with 3 slices avocado, egg subst. and 1 tbsp ketchup.
*cup of coffee with some almond milk

iced coffee: espresso with 1 half&half packet thing, 1 equal

Lunch: (the one I made/packed yesterday!)

*big handful of baby carrots
*sandwich: arnold’s thin, handful of baby spinach, 2 slices of avocado, 4 bread and butter pickles, 1 LCL wedge.
*can of V8

Snack: green apple

more coffee: espresso with 1 half&half moo thing

Dinner:

For dinner, I went out, but I did GREAT!

I had dinner at one of my favorite Italian places with some family friends - three of my mom's friends and some of their daughters. Basically my mom's friends think I'm a homeless orphan or something when my parents are gone. (I'm also invited over to a family dinner with another one of my mom's friends on Sunday.) So sweet. When I showed up at the restaurant, one woman goes “We thought you needed a MOM!!!” See, this is the heartwarming thing! They're so cute and I'm so lucky to be surrounded and loved by them.

Anyway, before I went to dinner I scoped out the menu online. I had planned to order their Bistecca salad, it sounded amazing: “Rosemary garlic-marinated flat-iron steak over arugula salad and grilled eggplant, sprinkled with parmesan cheese and candied garlic”

…and that’s exactly what I did! I got a water and had that salad. Actually, “dominated” would be more appropriate. It was so good. I know there were probably a lot of hidden calories with whatever dressing was used (some kind of balsamic-y thing, I think) but…hell! I got a salad and I stuck to it. No bread, no bites off of anyone’s pasta-filled plates.

(This restaurant is AMAZING and I’ve never had a bad meal there and I’m happy that their salads are just as good as their pasta dishes, it’s an incentive to choosing salad.)

And then the table split a chocolate ganache thing, and I politely declined! That was more Lent related than anything else, but I stuck to it. (Other Lent news: sent my resume to the boss of a friend who asked for it, and worked on a separate job application…Sweets ‘n Jobs Day Two was a success!)

Huzzah! So it was a good day.

(EDIT: Just hopped on the Wii Fit for 30 minutes! Also, I hope I get some new blog readers from searching for something weird like "Penguin Sex".)

And see below and enter the giveaway if you want and/or haven't already! Haha, the count stands at an impressive NINE as I write this. I love it. TOUGH COMPETITION.

GIVEAWAY!

2010-02-17T21:57:00.000-05:00

As you have probably read on like 200 other blogs (written by bloggers that have better time management skills than I do), Progresso Soup, as part of their Souper You promotion contest shenanigans gave me a fun giveaway pack to give to one of you fine peeps!

So I'm finally doing the giveaway!

As a reminder, here's the loot:

You get some Progresso soup, a digital jump rope, and a nice big mug! Fun stuff.

Okay here's the nitty gritty. To enter, leave me a comment telling me something you really like about yourself. It can be silly or serious or weight-loss related or not related to anything! Just a favorite thing about yourself. All you need is one entry. Because ~~otherwise I'm sure to mess it up somehow~~ I want it to be simple and fair!

That's all! You crazy kids have until Sunday at 8pm Eastern Standard Time to leave a comment on this post. Then I'll use random.org to pick a winner and announce it on Monday the 22nd. Sound good? Get to boasting about yourself.

(Progresso provided me with the giveaway materials and the info for the contest! DON'T TAKE ME TO JAIL!)

The Food, the Bad, the Ugly

2010-02-17T21:56:00.002-05:00

(I know, Good doesn't really work with Food. Oh well, we can't all be Billy Shakespeare ya know!)

Okay anyway, today was good and bad in two ways.

The good way was that my breakfast was healthy and delish!:

*1 vanilla chobani with kashi honey sunshine cereal mixed in
*half a WW bagel with 2 tbsp The Bees Knees PB&Co peanut butter
*glass of OJ

The other good thing is that I packed the following things to eat/snack on at work today:

small green apple
big handful of baby carrots
sandwich: arnold’s thin, handful of baby spinach, 2 slices of avocado, 4 bread and butter pickles, 1 LCL wedge.

Vitatop (cranbran)
Serving of all-bran garlic and herb crackers

Here’s where the two bad things enter in.

1: I only ate the all-bran crackers. At 4pm. I didn’t eat anything from my breakfast at 6:45am until those crackers at 4pm. I was literally up and around and working so much at such a frenzied pace that it wasn’t until 2pm that I even thought about food – and not until 4pm when I could actually pause long enough to eat something while still continuing to work. It was just one of those days.

The other bad thing is that I had the opportunity to come home and eat the food I had packed, but instead went out to dinner with my best friend from grad school. I got a meatball sub, a diet coke, and we shared fries. I’d say I had 20 fries at most. Somewhere between a handful and 20.

I feel guilty about my dinner tonight, I do. Yesterday I didn’t, but today I do. Even if it balances out calorie-wise because I had so little in the beginning of the day, it’s not how I like to eat my meals. I don’t like to eat heavily in the evenings. Tonight I ate heavily AND in the face of having a lighter healthier meal right in front of me. Sigh. But at least I’m here blogging about it. I guess I’ve got that going for me. …it’s a stretch though!

EDIT: I thought of a THIRD good thing to tip the scales towards good: I stuck to Lent: Sweets n' Jobs! No sweets. Boom. Also, I added a second Lent thing - hence the "'n Jobs" - I'm going to do something job-search-related every day. Doesn't have to be applying to a job necessarily, but something. Talking to someone, signing up for a networking event, working on a cover letter, what have you. Right now I'm off to finish an application I've been working on, and I'm waiting on an email from a friend about a connection she might have for me - so I'm going to pursue that too if she gets back to me tonight. Lent Day One is a success.

Mealize

2010-02-16T22:51:00.000-05:00

Okay this is gonna be quick and dirty. It's 10:45pm, I'm just getting home from a LONG day at work (didn't leave until 7pm!) and then a friend's house for LOST...I was out of my house from 7:20am to 10:30pm. Redonk. And I have to go in early tomorrow...I think I care entirely too much for only being a temp. Hm.

Anyway, here is the tracking I kept of my meals earlier in the day:

Breakfast:

*1 vanilla chobani mixed with 6 fresh pinapple chunks
*half an everything bagel with ¼ cup egg subst., 3 slices avocado, sprinkling of reduced fat sharp cheddar cheese, and 1 tbsp ketchup

Snack:

vitatop (cranbran)
cup of coffee with litttle mini-moo half&half, 1 splenda

Lunch:

*sandwich: arnold's thin, handful of baby arugula and baby spinach, 1 LCL wedge, turkey breast
*handful of baby carrots
*can of V8

"Snack": cup of coffee with litttle mini-moo half&half, 1 splenda

And my dinner was a half of an italian sandwich panini (you know with the oil and vinegar, pastrami salami provolone, and for good measure I think there was some spinach in there!), about twice as many mesquite bbq kettle chips as I should have had, a diet coke, and then a GIGANTIC bowl of ice cream. Not a great dinner, I'll admit. I picked it up on the way to my friend's house...I at least avoided fast food, but this still isn't really any better. I don't feel too guilty though; I'm either too tired or riding on how good I was the majority of the day!

Since Lent starts tomorrow, I've decided to give up sweets. Sweet treats. Dessert foods. You get the picture. So obviously I'm going to have a huge bowl of ice cream the night before I can't have any for 40 days. As my 7 year old self used to say, duh hickey.

I Meal It All

2010-02-15T21:47:00.002-05:00

REMEMBER THESE?! Ha, it's been a while, no? I would go look through my archives to tell you the last time I blogged my meals, but that would require too much work. I'm lazy, after all!

(I also did 30 minutes on the Wii Fit...some yoga, some strength, boxing, and of course the rhythm kung-fu!)

Breakfast:

Egg scramble: 1 asiago-and-red pepper chicken sausage, 1/2 cup egg subst., a few dashes of hot sauce, 1/4 cup italian blend cheese, 1 or 2 tbsp ketchup.
*glass of OJ

(once I got to work I made myself a "mochachino" from the Flavia machine. I'm totally obsessed with Flavia machines. Fascinated.)

Snack:

*one small green apple

Lunch:

*1/3 cup cottage cheese
*handful of baby carrots
*sandwich: 1 honey wheat arnold's thin, 3 slices turkey breast, 1 LCL wedge, handful of baby spinach and baby arugula
*can of V8

Dinner:

*sandwich: Everything bagel, 2 tbsp light mayo, 4 slices turkey breast, romaine lettuce.
*serving of all-bran garlic and herb crackers

Dessert:

*1 Breyers Inspirations yogurt in Chocolate Chip (it's like ice cream in yogurt form! Pretty sweet...sweet in terms of taste as well as level of awesomeness)

And I drank water throughout the day too!

Can I just say how much I love Everything bagels? A lot. I don't care what it does to my breath. They are my favorite. Sometimes you have those food items that aren't worth giving up, ya know? I could give up regular bagels no problem, but Everything bagels....probably never. Heh.

(in OTHER news, I sent EHarmony guy that email, and his only response was to close our match on the EHarmony web site. So...I guess that's settled then?)

Edited to add: So as you all know, I've been neglecting you all. Pretty much no commenting - well, since I am vowing to get back into some sort of a groove, I'm also trying to get back into *your* grooves too (that sounds a little bit ew, but you know what I mean!) For example: please take a look at 266 over here in this post. She looks AMAZING and her progress pictures are out of this galaxy.

(Edited to add AGAIN: I just realized in my post this morning, I said there were "two things" on my mind, and then I went on to list FOUR. That's what blogging at 6am gets you, kids. Let that be a lesson!)

Gone Aweigh From Me

2010-02-15T06:26:00.000-05:00

It's 6:15am as I type this, and I have to go to work today. Work on a holiday, sheesh! I'm still temping at the same place, and the "big events" that we've been gearing up for are happening at the end of this week. I basically have to front-load all my hours the first three days of the week. They told me not to be surprised if I knock out my 40 hours by Wednesday. Well then.

But you don't care so much about that, do you? I just wanted to start us off with something other than this, what I really wanted to say:

220.4 IN YO' FACE SUCKA!

Mind you, good looking reader, that you are in no way the Sucka to which I am referring. Just a general exclamation (albeit a bit aggressive and/or fratty fratster) that shows my struggles are paying off. I feel like I'm scraping by; like I'm trying so hard but I still don't feel like I'm making progress.

I still feel like I go through an internal battle every time I eat something of good vs. evil, but I am making a difference! I'm down like 4 pounds from last week.

It's a good way to start the day, that's for sure!

***

One other thing before I go, lovelies. I want to start having better blogging practices again. Two things have been on my mind:

1 - The name of my blog is 100in12 - I feel like I've abandoned that journey completely. Not that I'm no longer trying to lose weight, but...that specific goal feels like it's almost all but slipped away. I don't like that, because it's very me. I'm good at starting things and terrible at finishing them. So I want to make an effort to try and return to my former glory of a few months ago.

2- I miss you guys. I miss commenting on your blogs and hearing about your days and your struggles and victories.

3 - I realize this is like the eighteenth time I've made this pledge. Yuck.

4 - I AM DOING THAT DAMN GIVEAWAY THIS WEEK. I AM.

The thing I come away with most after writing this post is...the heirarchy of communication technology is weird.

2010-02-13T10:53:00.000-05:00

“Morning! Just wanted to let you know I had a great time last night and would like to do it again. You?”

So I had my first date via EHarmony last night. I think he was actually the first person on EHarmony to reach out and contact me. Throughout this whole deal I want to keep an open mind (as much as possible) and so we had been emailing for a while and then “progressed” to texting, and then he asked me to dinner. I accepted.

(The post title: You move from email, to texting, to calling, to seeing each other in person...such a funny thing how that works)

Previous to meeting him, I didn’t really feel…anything. There wasn’t anything about him that engaged me – the way he looked, or anything in our discussions via text and email. I mean he doesn’t have to be Brad Pitt or be able to talk the pants off of me, but I need and want something to click. But again, I stayed connected because I 1) wanted to give it a chance for the sake of giving something a chance and 2) make sure I wasn’t turning down an opportunity because I was afraid or scared. You never know…

So we meet for dinner…the lack of feelings continued. He was nice. And I hate saying he was nice, because that seems so condescending to say. I could tell the things he was laughing at weren’t really the things I found funny (a matching sense of humor is pretty much THE biggest thing that can make or break someone for me) and so, I went along with it. We had conversations and talked about various things and asked each other questions and it was a polite first date.

I’m happy I did it. The problem, now, is obviously what to do next. You see the opening line – a text he just sent me – I don’t want to see him again. Not said (typed) in a malicious way, just…there’s nothing there for me. I guess I have to be a grown up and tell him that.

***TANGENT! You love them, you missed them, my tangents. Anyway (a tangent within a tangent, and parenthetical thoughts!? This post couldn’t get any better or more self-indulgent) my tangent is this: anyone who reads this section of the InterTubes knows that I have issues with myself. I don’t like a lot of things about me – I think I can be immature, bratty and spoiled and expect things to be given to me without a lot of work in return. It’s ugly and I don’t like it. And I know these are things I need to change***

Maybe my experience with EHarmony is about more than just finding a date. It’s about growing up a little, making the hard decisions, doing the thing that isn’t the easiest. If I do what my head is telling me, it’s to run away and ignore him and hope he gets the picture. But…I don’t want to do that this time. I’ll have to figure out something to say to him soon to tell him thanks but no thanks.

One other thing – I hope all of this isn’t coming off like I think I’m the first person to think these thoughts. I hate when I read things and I’m like “No Shit, Sherlock”, because it’s one of my favorite phrases of all time, but also because…it’s annoying when people thing they’re handing down gospel but really, at best they’re making an observation we all have a million times over.

I think that was kind of a run-on paragraph but I hope you catch my drift. I’m not the first and only person to go through this, but it’s a first for me.

(In other news: my eating was ON. POINT. yesterday. And I’ve been doing the Wii Fit more often. I’ve been stumbling a lot too – hello, Burger King, and may I say, ew – but I feel like things are headed in the right direction in a lot of ways too)

Weigh I Am

2010-02-08T10:21:00.000-05:00

224! That's down from last week, HOLLER!

Other updates:

*May be making a real life, actual EHarmony date soon. Totally nervous. I'm still expecting to show up and be stood up. The whole "he looks in the window and sees me sitting there, and then bolts" scenario. I really need some self esteem.

*No work today, and I still can't go anywhere because of the snow. I tried this morning - barely got down the road, and turned around and came back home. It's still really bad out there. Having a Corolla doesn' help. I love my baby and I don't want her out in this nonsense.

*It's a real challenge to keep myself from sitting inside and eating all day. Normally if I'm awake in the early hours, it's because I have work - but now I don't and I'm not sleepy...so my instinct is to eat. From boredom. Or to bake and THEN eat, also from boredom. Yikes. This is going to be a tough week for me. Oh, plus, being anxious about the potential EHarmony date also makes me want to eat. Ugh.

*I talked to The Matriarch (from The Family, if you remember) the other day during the snowstorm. It wasn't 4 minutes into the conversation when she asked me if I was still going to the gym. I told her I was, but not as often. And then she launched into talking about the Wii Fit and all that. It...irritated me to no end. I had a dream about this same kind of scenario the other day, but it was real life this time. I just wanted to say to her:

"The FIRST thing you bring up with me is always food and or exercising. Always. It's always about the weight - with me, with you, with somebody. Are you physically capable about talking about other things, at the very least to make me feel like you love me for reasons OTHER than how much I weigh?!"

I know a large part of my annoyance was because I'm not happy with where I am in my "journey", and I don't want someone making me confront it. On the other hand, when she was here back in September, she did the same thing - asking me about my gym habits and what I was doing, and how I was "making her feel bad" for all the work I was doing...I still hated it, and I was doing really well. AGHHH!!! It just makes me so mad. It makes me want to not talk to her, and that makes me sad.

Eh...I didn't want to end on a sad/irritated note, because now I have myself all riled up again over it. I'm gonna go try and find something to do that doesn't involve me eating myself out of house and home.

Snowtorious BIG

2010-02-06T21:12:00.000-05:00

Work? Okay.

Eating? Okay.

Exercise? Not great. (just the gym on Monday, and some heavy duty shoveling today)

I basically want to leave you with these:

What used to be my car

The back deck...this was only about noon - it kept snowing until about 5pm. YEAH.

I did that all by myself (and that was just one section). I am officially badass.

Needing/Getting (song by OK GO from their new album. currently enjoying.)

2010-02-02T20:16:00.000-05:00

A few things that are on the ol’ noggin:

*I did a little grocery shopping tonight. My cart was BALLER:
-baby spinach
-baby arugula
-granny smith apples
-baby carrots
-vitatops (cranbran)/vitamuffins (chocolate)
-frozen broccoli
-edamame
-kashi honey sunshine cereal
-low fat cottage cheese

Can I get a what what? Considering my shopping choices in January, this is AMAZING and felt as such. Not being ashamed while grocery shopping is something worth striving toward.

*The other day I started reading The Gunslinger by Stephen King. It’s the first book in a seven book series called The Dark Tower series. Anybody read them? My friend Kevin is a HUGE fan of them and we got to talking and I decided to read them. Gunslinger is really good so far. I love the way it’s written.

*I basically had two breakfasts today, I just had this feeling I’d need it. I’m CLAIRVOYANT. So I had my greek yogurt with cereal mixed in, and then a vitatop (cranbran) in the car on the way to the metro. This was around 7:30am. Work/temping got so nuts I didn’t eat again until 1:30pm! 6 hours later! I was starving. I don’t think I would have made it on one of those breakfasts alone. Yeesh.

*I’m going to my friends’ apartment tonight around 10pm, in my pajamas, and we’re going to watch LOST via Tivo (no commercials, holler) and it is going to be snuggly and fun and Lost-tastic. I’m going to be dead tired tomorrow morning but it’ll be totally worth it. Also? I’m taking the ice cream and Twizzlers** that I shamefully bought in a bad grocery store trip last week – in an attempt to make it like a fun! Sleepover! ….but really to get rid of it. I’m sneaky. And generous? …mostly just sneaky.

*Progresso soup reviews: I had the Italian Meatball the other day. Super delish. To be honest, the smell of it was AMAZING and the taste didn’t totally live up, but it was still really good. I also had the Hearty Vegetable or something like that, and it was also quite good. Basically like Minestrone but with pasta. Don’t forget – they are doing a Progresso Souper You contest that seems pretty sweet – go enter! (I still have a Giveaway to do for them/this whole deal, I’m sure you’ve seen other bloggers already do theirs, because they’re on top of their lives, whilst I am not! But I will do it soon. Can anyone email me with any tips for picking someone fairly? Isn’t there some random number generator or something? HOLD MY HAND I NEED HELP)

(**Okay, I might only take some of the Twizzlers. I feel very little shame in eating them as compared to other sweet treats.)

(Do I need to say again that Progresso provided me with the soup, the giveaway packet, and the information about the Souper You contest? I don't know how things work. Well I guess I just said it. I can sleep tonight.)

I'm not promising any repeat performances, but...

2010-02-01T21:10:00.001-05:00

I TOTALLY WENT TO THE GYM TONIGHT, MOFO'S.

(Just 20 minutes on the treadmill, 10 walking 10 running - more like 5 walking, 8 running, 2 walking, 2 running, 3 walking - but still. I WENT. That 10 of running was actually more than I thought I would be able to do, so I'll take it.)

(oh and healthy eating today too. WIN)

YEESH

2010-02-01T06:20:00.000-05:00

Hi again. I'm so sorry it's been an entire week. I'm writing this in the morning as I'm getting ready for work - I'm thinking this temp job is going to last a few more weeks, which is good. So anyway, I'm gonna get down to business.

My weight this week is: 225.8. Good in that I maintained, bad in that it's my starting/ending weight for the month, and this is the first time I haven't met (and obliterated) my goal. So that's sad, because honestly I feel like I'm out of control. Things aren't awful but I don't feel myself getting better, either.

I do really well in the mornings and afternoons. My breakfast and lunch and snacks are healthy. And then I get home after work and I don't care anymore. And forget about the weekends.

And no exercise, either. Other than the 4 flights of stairs I have to climb up to get to my car in the Metro parking garage.

I hate that I'm sliding backwards. And that I can't stop myself from buying horrid food at the grocery store. It honestly feels like I'm punishing myself; like I'm aware of it but I still can't stop it. Man, if I could afford therapy you know where I'd be right now.

And that's it, really - there are two things I'm realizing. One, I just mentioned. I probably need to be in therapy. Did I tell you already that I did that once? In 2008, for about 6 months - as a student, my school allows you something like 12 sessions for free, so I went. It was one of the best things I've ever done for myself.

The other thing is that I REALLY need to move out of my house. I feel like it's crushing me. It's crushing who I want to be. I understand that moving out is somewhat of a "quick fix", hence the need for therapy, but it absolutely has to happen. I'm still applying for jobs, and haven't gotten any call-backs in a while, but I'm working on it. Moving out NEEDS to happen.

So I guess I'm realizing I'm not in a good place right now, emotionally that is. Maybe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Maybe I have real depression. Maybe some weird gray area between the two. Or maybe I'm just feeling poorly because I'm eating poorly. Regardless, it's not good any way you cut it.

But let's focus on the positives, shall we?

1- I've been working. Money is always good. I don't think this will turn into a permanent position, but I'm hoping I can still network and make some contacts along the way.

2 - My morning and afternoon eating have been good. I've been packing myself good stuff again. Arnold's thin, greek yogurt, string cheese, V8, Progresso soup(! Yeah, I have like 4 reviews to do. They're tasty and they're forthcoming, I promise) and water. I'm in dire need of fruits and vegetables, though. I haven't bought any in a while. (That's probably why I've been sick with a flu/cold for a week...ugh)

3 - EHarmony: Haven't been on an actual date yet, but there are some potential suitors. No one has popped on the screen yet, but all in good time. I've done some pursuing that hasn't really worked out, and people are pursuing me. So there are things happening but nothing's really happening yet. Ha :-P

*****

I'm sorry for the all-business-no-silliness post. I miss you guys, I really do. There has been so much going on and I've been avoiding this blog world. I see people losing weight and exercising and leaving me in the dust. It doesn't make a girl feel good. But I know it's my own doing. Sigh.

The crazy thing is, despite the fact that I have my first "red" monthly goal over there, I don't feel too bad about staying at the same weight. I went up a week or two, and I'd love it if I could go back down.

It's hard to know when you're sensationalizing everything, and when you really need to address serious problems, you know? I tend to exaggerate and blow things out of proportion - and I want to hold myself accountable while also being nice to myself. Is such a thing possible?

(Also, apologies for the broken-stream-of-consciousness-writing, and probable spelling errors - I got up at 5am today. Ew.)

2010-01-25T06:57:00.000-05:00

Hi, lovelies. I'm still here. By "here" I mean physically alive. That's pretty much all I've got going for me.

I weighed in today, because I "forgot/didn't get on the scale" last week.

I'm at 225.8.

So you can guess how I've been eating and exercising! (poorly and non-existent-ly)

I have to finish getting ready for my temp job so I have to go, but I just wanted to say hi. I'll write more later, with a post full of complaining, a couple of good points, self-loathing, maybe an excuse or two thrown in there; it'll be great.

Drama Llama

2010-01-17T22:39:00.000-05:00

When it rains it pours.

So you know how my parents are in Florida, right? Amongst many chores, one thing I have to do every so often is drive my mom's car. Just to keep it...healthy, I guess. It's a 17 year old Honda Civic and in great shape - it only has 120,000 miles on it. I know cars that are 10 years younger and have twice the miles. (I know some people like that too, HIYOOOOO!)

So I was driving it to run my errands today. For reference, I live in Reston, VA. It's a suburb that's about 30 minutes west of Washington DC and maybe 20 minutes outside of Arlington, VA. I'm telling you these geographic tidbits because they'll come in handy as I tell you this story.

I went to the post office, then drove about 30 minutes to the 2nd closest Wal-Mart to me (because the closest one sucks and I refuse to go there on principal) and then drove to a SUPERTARGET! (yes, I have to capitalize it and punctuate it at such. It's SUPER!) both of which are in Leesburg, VA.

So I do my shopping at Wal-Mart - I only went to get one thing - those individual drink-mix things, you know the ones you put into a water bottle? Wal-Mart brand's Cherry Limeade flavor is AMAZING. I try to avoid those things mostly because they do have aspartame, but...it tastes like a melted popsicle. And when you have that craving for candy or something sweet, they really do help. So I got those.

Then I went to the SUPERTARGET! that is down the road from the Wal-Mart. I got a few things and then went back to my car.

And then it wouldn't start. I tried and tried and...nothing. Oh also did I mention that it was cold and drizzling out?

A really nice man came along and tried to help; he looked under the hood and had me try a bunch of different tricks to get it to start. It wouldn't.

He left and I reluctantly picked up my phone to call a tow truck; at least we have AAA. Then I notice my phone. The battery is so low it's got that lovely "Danger Red" shade on. Basically I had time to make maybe one and a half calls. Of course.

I have a friend that lives about 1 minute down the road from me so I call her first. I figured she has a cell phone that I could use since I knew mine will inevitably go dead before the end of this insane evening. She rushed to my rescue, thankfully.

While she was on her way I called AAA. I called at 7pm. I told them I was in Leesburg and needed a tow back to Reston. The woman I spoke with told me a truck would be there within an hour. In tow-truck time, I know that means anywhere from 2-4 hours, so I asked them to call me when the driver was 5 minutes away. In the mean time I went back to my friend's house and had dinner, so that part was nice. Even though the whole situation sucked, at least I had a good friend close by.

At 8pm the driver of the tow truck calls me and tells me he's in the Target parking lot by my car. Imagine that, a towing company (much less going through AAA) comes on time!?

My friend and I go back over to the lot and drive up to my car. There is no tow truck. Not by my car, and nowhere in the lot at all. So I call the driver back (on my friend's phone because mine had died about 30 minutes prior) and tell him what we're seeing, and it isn't him.

He says to me: "...you're in Arlington, right?"

Ha, I hope anyone from the DC area that reads this is feeling my pain. For those of you outside the DC Metro area, Arlington is about 50 minutes away from Leesburg. ALMOST AN HOUR AWAY. And, like my friend said, how in the hell do you get the words "Leesburg" and "Arlington" confused?!

Anyway, after I imploded from rage and frustration, I called AAA back and they said they had someone in the area (the correct area) that could be there in 20 minutes.

Luckily everyone held up their end of the bargain this time. But then once the tow truck came my friend got a call from her husband - they have 15 month old twin boys who are just now walking and one of them fell on his face right into the cup he was holding. They thought he had lost a tooth and there was blood and...you get the idea. It was panic-central in Leesburg, VA tonight.

The tow-truck guy got me and my vehicle home safely and relatively cheaply. Surprisingly so, actually. And my friend's son is fine - tooth intact, just a bit of a fat lip.

*SIGH* What a night.

Two things

2010-01-16T14:30:00.001-05:00

But first: So for this post title I was gonna try and find a good song with "Two" in the title (there are approximately 8 billion) so I searched "Two" in iTunes. Of course they give results for Two in the song, artist, album, etc. You know what song came up that I completely forgot about but totally love?? "Hoochie Mama" by 2 Live Crew. Remember that song?? "You ain't nothin' but a hoochie mama, HOOD RAT HOOD RAT HOOCHIE MA-MA". Haha, I sat here laughing at my computer for a solid 10 minutes. Good times.

Okay. On to the two things I was going to tell you.

One: EHarmony update. If you didn't see my Twitter feed on the side, I sent a message to a guy. This is a big deal for me and so far I seem to be handling it well. Maybe he won't write back, maybe he will and turn me down, who knows. But right now what's important is that I took that chance.

The other EH thing I did: I responded to a message from a guy that contacted me. Not only is it important to me to try putting myself out there, but I wanted to try giving someone a chance that I normally wouldn't. In the past, I haven't felt a connection with any of the guys that have shown interest in me. And yeah, either there really wasn't one or I wasn't willing to explore it. So I took a chance and responded to this guy. We'll see what happens with that.

So regardless of the outcomes of both of these moves, I'm happy that I did them at all.

Two: This is way overdue, but here's my pink $7.50 Target coat!

(it can close around me more but I usually just leave it open like that. and I am SO GLAD you guys backed me up on their weird sizing. Erg!)

(oh and I know I'm showing my face now and everything, but it's a lazy Saturday and my hair and face are totally gross. Just because I let you see who I am doesn't mean I'm not totally vein and need to be all done up to take a picture or video. Eeee!)

Back from Katmandfood

2010-01-15T23:20:00.000-05:00

Today was a pretty great day! Lots of successes.

First of all, I found out I scored a new temp gig! It starts next Thursday and it’s going to be full time and last for at least two weeks – it’s with a nonprofit in DC and I’ll be doing fundraising/development assistance type stuff. I’m really excited. It’s a step closer to the type of career I want and I can’t wait to get my feet wet.

This was all set up through a recruiter that I have been working with who has been an absolute angel. She really makes me feel like she’s paying attention to me, and invested in finding me work; whether she actually is or she cares enough to make me think she is doesn’t really matter – if I’m on this end, either works! And it clearly does since I’m gonna be working!

The best part of all this? I had to interview for it, and I wasn’t the only candidate. I was CHOSEN.

Can I…can I just repeat that?

I WAS CHOSEN.

I interviewed for something, was competing against others, and for once, came out on top.

That makes me feel so good. It’s definitely been a confidence booster for me.

The other successes for me:

Pretty decent eating! Had some greek yogurt/honey/Kashi Honey Sunshine Cereal mix for breakfast, along with a cup of coffee.

I did more light snacking throughout the day versus one bigger meal – had some strawberries, then some turkey pepperoni and string cheese, and then an arnold’s thin with almond butter.

For dinner I had some veggie crunchers (I need to take a break from these, I think. Step. Away!) and a ridiculous sandwich. I had a Weight Watchers bagel with 2 slices of American cheese, a little bit of mayo, and some bread and butter pickles. It’s actually one of my favorite sandwiches. I have the palate of a seven year old.

I also had a Diet Coke. I think there are about 5 or so Diet Cokes left in the fridge. Once they’re gone I am not going to buy any more.

So as I tell you about what I did this evening, I’m going to tell you something good, and something kind of shameful.

The shameful thing is that I have a treadmill in the basement. To use whenever I want and I don’t think I’ve stepped on it in…maybe around a year? I cannot remember the last time I was on it. But I feel guilty that it’s down there in our basement collecting dust while I pay for a gym membership.

The GOOD thing is that I actually used it tonight!

I was on it for a little over 20 minutes I think. I was maybe running for 3? The reason I’m not sure on times (or speed or incline, for that matter) is because the display is broken. And the way to change speeds is to push up this little lever. And it’s one of those old models that folds up, but when you rest it down it sits at an incline that can’t really be adjusted. Okay so really I hate this fucking treadmill but at least I got on it.

Between the combination of the incline and not running for four weeks, that little spurt of running just about killed me. It’s so sad how quickly you lose that kind of momentum, isn’t it? Yeesh.

Maybe the reminder of how much I hate my treadmill at home will be enough of a kick in the butt to get me back to the gym!

PS: Post title brought to you by a song off of OK Go's new album. Love them. And the video for one of their other new songs is GREAT.

OK Go - This Too Shall Pass from OK Go on Vimeo.

I'm a band geek at heart (Clarinet! Holler!) and did marching band all four years and everything. Love it.

Connect Four

2010-01-14T22:41:00.002-05:00

(Pretty Sneaky Sis!)

So, I ate really well today. I scored a temp gig and took a bunch of little snacks along with me. Throughout the morning and afternoon I had an arnold’s thin with almond butter, string cheese, turkey pepperoni, baby carrots, coffee, water, and garlic and herb all-bran crackers. When I got home I had a BIIIIIIG wrap, consisting of “Buffalo Style” chicken sausage, romaine lettuce, light ranch dressing, shredded carrots, and hot sauce wrapped in a tomato basil wrap.

(I know the tomato basil and the zingy-buffalo flavors don’t mix, but it actually tasted good – the wrap wasn’t at all basil-y so it was fine. Just so you don’t think I’m a total weirdo. Even though you think so anyway.)

Oh and I also had some veggie crunchers, maybe a little over a cup? And a Diet Coke.

So all in all, I ate healthfully. I made good choices.

But somehow, it doesn’t feel like it. I feel guilty, and there’s really no reason for it. Has anyone else experienced similar phantom guilt? It’s bonkers.

***

So I did it. I took the plunge. I signed up for 3 months of EHarmony. I’m terrified. My palms were literally sweaty after I did it and I felt my chest tighten. I’m so terrified of rejection – it’s not something I want to face. But I’m trying to do things outside of my comfort zone, in the name of change and evolution and what not. Maybe it will ultimately be good for me, in the long run.

Now the question is: Pursue or be pursued.

ComfortLaura says: Be Pursued! (After she finished screaming “RUN RUN RUN AWAY NOW GO HIDE IN YOUR VIDEO GAMES! LUIGI IS ALL THE MAN YOU’LL EVER NEED!”)

NewYearDynamoLaura says: Be Pursued!

Ha! See what I did there? Did you not read the part about me being terrified of rejection?

So stay tuned for EHarmony shenanigans.

***

My First Giveaway! (They Like Me! They Really Like Me! …no they don’t.)

So Progresso Soup is doing a Souper You Debut, an essay contest – the winner of which gets a really cool makeover trip/experience in NYC. You can read about it here: http://www.progressosoup.com/souperyou

In the next few weeks I’ll be trying some new flavors and telling you good lookin’ folk allll about ‘em. I already LURVE their French Onion flavor and a big fan of their Minestrone so I’m excited to try some new ones. I’ll be throwin’ some Progresso Knowledge your way soon.

Also in the next few weeks I get to giveaway a Progresso Prize Pack! It’s got soup, a mug, and a digital jump rope:

Sweetness. I’m gonna set that up soon – just as soon as I figure out how to do it. It’ll be in the next couple of weeks, I promise.

And because of some FTC guidelines I really don’t understand, I have to tell you that Progresso provided me with the soup, gift pack, information and the giveaway, basically everything. I provided the sass. That’s what I’m bringing to the table.

So in the meantime, you can go to http://www.progressosoup.com/souperyou and submit your essay for a chance to win a sweet trip to NYC. You can also print out some coupons! Why haven't you gone there yet?! .....wait, finish reading my post first (I'm important!) and then go.

My unofficial rule is that if you win that contest as a result of hearing about it from me, you have to bring me as your Plus One. (This Is A Joke. Repeat: I Don’t Mean This*)

***

Thanks ladies! 266 at 266, Becca at (Boston) Marathoner in Training and Kat at Low Fat Kat passed on this award to me! I have to share 7 things about myself and then pass it on to 7 bloggers.

7 things about me:

1. I am scared of mouthwash. I was at the dentist when I was about 5, before I was old enough to get the fluoride treatment thing – and they give you mouthwash instead. I swallowed some and then got violently ill. I’m still gun-shy about mouthwash to this day. I use it, because, I’m a freaking adult, but I hate it. I’m afraid of it.

2. I really want a Craigslist Missed Connection to be written about me. A friend of mine has had THREE about her. I want!

3. I was in band in high school, and we had our own superlatives. I was voted Coolest Sophomore, Coolest Junior, and in my senior year was voted Coolest Senior, Best Eyes and Most Fun to Be Around. It makes me laugh to wonder if such titles mean I’m the biggest geek in context with the rest of the world :-)

4. Until about a year and a half ago, I thought the phrase was “for all intensive purposes”. …it isn’t.

5. When I was 16, I was in love with a DC United player named Bobby Convey. He was exactly my age (same birthday down to the year) and living in the town over from me with the family of a friend of a friend of a friend. One of my best guy friends agreed to go on a date with this girl basically in order to get information on Bobby Convey’s whereabouts one Friday evening – at our high school rival’s soccer game. It was this huge ordeal, and so I went to the game with three of my friends. Sure enough, Bobby Convey showed up. I took one look at him and said “I want to go home”. I was terrified. My friend had to drag him over to us and carry the conversation as I stood there staring. I’ve never been good around guys OR famous people – this was a terrible combo. (I may or may not still carry a torch for him. Bobby, holler at me, forget about that EHarmony stuff I mentioned earlier, I was totally kidding)

6. I loathe tomatoes but I love ketchup and tomato soup.

7. I was the reason two of my dearest friends (the ones with the new condo!) got together. Six years ago we were having a big party, and they had been timidly flirting… So the night ends and we all passed out because…well, we were all shit-canned. So I was snoring, as I do and as one does when schwasted, and my guy friend was in the same room as me. He couldn’t take the snoring, and the next available room was that of his future girlfriend! That was the first night they got together, and the rest is history. They probably would have gotten together anyway, but I like to take credit, because that’s just the kind of Snoring Friend I am. I hope someone tells this story at their wedding, ‘cause it’s classy.

And I will pass it along to:

Jenny at Keep Me Accountable
Allison at Operation 365
Greta at Big Bottom Blogger
Doug at Beer and Cheese to the Beach (okay I know it's kind of a girly award, but honestly you can't get a better blog title. for realsies.)
Foodie Girl at For Me
Shannon/Chai at We Kin Get Thin
Kristina at Life Won't Weight

and I'm BREAKIN' THE RULES and doing another one because I really like her blog:

Kaitlin at Everyday Grace

(*I totally do mean it.)

She Moves in Secret Weighs

2010-01-11T11:02:00.000-05:00

Heeyyooooo! Back with the pun-ny post titles. How do you like that. I'm not making any promises, because it's actually really tough to come up with one for "meal" and "food" every day. I'm running out of ideas. If you have any ideas for those, send them my way! I'll even credit you :-)

Okay, so you'll notice my cheerful disposition and excessive use of smiley emoticons and exclamation marks. I...LOST WEIGHT.

I literally don't know how this is possible. In fact I kind of think it's unfair given the week that I've had even if I did sort of get my head together the past few days. I'm not about to give the lost weight back to the scale, but...I dunno, it feels different when you know you didn't earn it, right?

This is what Taylizzle told me this morning:

217

That's a 1.8 pounds from last week. I am dumbfounded and happy and weirded out but I'm gonna roll with it and have a better week this week.

(and thanks for your comments on the vlog. it made coming out of the blogset much easier, hehe! I guess the reason I stayed anonymous at first was because I was afraid if my friends ever stumbled upon this blog, they would see my weight and I would be embarrassed. But at this point, I should be proud to show off what I've accomplished, rather than ashamed of what I haven't yet, right? That's how I should feel, now I just have to get there!)

(oh and Rebecca, let me know when you're in Baltimore! We're totally hanging out. Done deal.)

(I'm just gonna keep going with this whole parenthetical post, and tell you that I just got a new winter coat - because I have great timing and all - from Target on clearance. It was $7.50! It's a cute salmon-pink pea coat. It's an XXL and I can button it but it's not comfortable. And yet I have an XXL dress of theirs that is big on me now...their sizing confuses me. But anyway, this coat is on the "Must Lose Weight To Wear" list!)

Hi.

2010-01-09T17:38:00.004-05:00

It's a new year and I'm throwing caution to the wind. This is me. Scatterbrained and wordy. It's 6 minutes long, I know. I don't know how to edit things; myself or videos, namely.

And sorry about the lighting, it's all over the place, much like myself. Oh and the audio is kinda crappy. I'm a filmmaker!

(Is it working now, for those of you that couldn't get it before? It gave me an "An error occurred, try again later" message a little bit ago, but now it's playing fine for me. Feel free to try it again! Or, this pretty much recaps it: Good Day. Haircut. Coffee with blog friend. Poor production value. I'm wordy. And weird. Fin.)

***Edited to add: I’m dumb. Becca’s blog is beccarunsboston.wordpress.com, not blogger/blogspot. She’s on my links over there, (Boston) Marathoner in Training. She’s all hardcore and what not!

So the rest of my day went swimmingly. I did a lil Wii Fit Plus. Only burned a little over 100 calories, but I was doing it to pass time, not to actually work out. I pretty much did the Kung Fu Rhythm over and over again.

My dinner was the randomest of random dinners in our solar system. I had a V8, a handful of turkey pepperoni, and maybe a ¾ a cup of pasta. I ate them all separately, mind you. But it was still kind of bizarre. But I got in some veggies (technically speaking, or so the can tells me…and if it’s printed on a product, it HAS to be true, right?!) and some protein so I’m okay with it.

The bonus of the meal was that I ate it right before I went over to my friends’ condo to play video games (honest to goodness, is that all I do?) and usually we eat when over there…but not this time!

PS, Random TV Crush Edition: Kup from Chef Academy. RAAWWWRRRRRR. Lurrrve him.

(see, with the extra words!?! I post a SIX MINUTE video and I've already made two additions to the post. Redonkulous.)

This is what low looks like, if you were wondering.

2010-01-07T21:01:00.000-05:00

Tonight I ordered pizza and boneless wings from Dominos. I accidentally forgot to give them my credit card information, and the guy showed up needing cash.

The only cash I had was the money my parents gave me for Christmas for new running shoes.

I didn't spend all of it, but I used it.

I used some of that money for pizza.

Take a second and really think about that. Money for running shoes...used for fucking pizza.

I have done some shitty things in my life, trust me on that one. But I don't think I've ever felt as bad as I do right now. I feel like a degenerate drug addict.

Ugh.

Heeeeey bloggers (said in Buster Bluth voice)

2010-01-04T16:22:00.002-05:00

Holy 101 followers, batman! I had no idea - I've been avoiding my blog given my lack of posting, and so I didn't know I hit the 100 mark until just now. The last time I looked it was at 96 and I half expected it to go down instead of up.

Thanks to you five for totally making my day.

So.

I've spent the past week with my friends; we spent every day together and watched movies, played video games, did jigsaw puzzles, cooked, ate, laughed, did a little bit of drinking on NYE and spent 3 hours skype-ing with our dear friend in the Air Force, currently overseas.

I did very little but I am very happy.

I weighed myself this morning. I know this is now Week 3 of being "off track" or whatever you want to call it, but I think the minute (or week) that I don't weigh myself is the week things really go downhill. Regardless of the number, stepping on that scale is still an acknowledgement that I'm trying to lose weight. Right? Maybe that's what I'm telling myself to feel better, but I think there's at least a shred of truth to it.

Hoooooo boy was I lucky. I am actually not sure how this is accurate, but what the hell!

218.8.

Same.

As.

Last.

Week.

After a week of: ice cream, s'mores, burger and fries, pizza, bagels, chinese food, sandwiches and chips, chocolate, wine, diet coke (I actually had one regular coke yesterday b/c my friend was out of the dc...the regular coke was gross. do not like.) and many other similar foods I'm sure I'm forgetting.

I am not going to bother trying to figure out why I was given such a gift. Instead I'm going to thank my lucky stars.

Thank you, lucky stars, whom- or what- or wherever you might be.

(oh PS: thing I still refuse to eat: fast food. Cannot and will not bring myself to eat it. I had about 8,234 opportunities to eat Burger King this week and I refused. That is by far the thing I'm proudest of this week, even though I ate a million other bad things. Not going back to fast food is still a victory.)

I'm still here, guys. I promise. Hope you're still stopping by every once in a while. I'm gonna get back to it. I owe it to myself.* Also I've got two fun things coming up to tell you about so get ready for that.

My parents leave for Florida tomorrow. I can set up my Wii and Wii Fit (Christmas gift, hooray!) in the basement on our gigantor TV and try it out, and get back to the gym now that Operation No Exercise To Spite Mother (biggest eye roll in the history of eye rolls) is over.

*I don't 100 % believe this** but I'm trying out the "Fake It Til You Make It" approach and seeing how it works for me.

**OHHHH THE LACK OF SELF-WORTH, you are rich.

[Edit: I rearranged the stuff on the side, I need to see those monthly goals at the top to remind myself of what is going on! I got lucky in maintaining these two weeks and I cleared January's goal, so I need to start thinking about heading in a southerly direction in the scale to keep up with my targets!]

Here I go again...

2009-12-28T10:42:00.001-05:00

Oh, hi there. *sheepish look*.

Uh, how’s everybody doin’?

I’m…okay. I’ve been eating pretty darn poorly this past week – lots of chocolate and candy from my stocking, Christmas cookies, ice cream, Diet Coke, and bagels for breakfast, and lunch, and dinner. There was literally one day last week when I had a bagel at EVERY MEAL. I felt…gross.

My mom and I are fine. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone in that one. I love her to pieces and I know she’s my biggest fan, she just seems to have a weird way of showing it? I don’t know.

But things are fine and we had a nice Christmas. I got money for new running shoes, so I’m probably going to go to a store like Pacers or Footsteps to get their opinions. Can I tell you, though – I am scared to go in there, and I’ll tell you why. (you can probably guess why) My size. I have this image that all people that go in there are runners, therefore zero-percent-body-fat kind of people. And also, if they have to watch you run to figure out if you over-pronate or whatever – oh man, I am terrified by not only the clerks watching me, but anyone else in the store!? EEPS.

That’s the number one reason why I haven’t gone to one of those stores yet. Or hell, even if they don’t judge me because most of the time I’m projecting and it’s my own judgment and not theirs, I’m going to compare myself like you wouldn’t believe anyway! Ugh. What a neurotic sentence that was.

Well, I’ll just have to give myself the pep talk of all pep talks at some point and just cowboy up and go in there. Because I want pretty new running shoes.

For that matter, I want to be running again. I haven’t been to the gym in two weeks. I haven’t done any kind of physical activity. I feel kind of sluggish. I noticed the other day that I felt a little more out of breath after running up all of my townhouse stairs. That scared/saddened me a little bit. My weight isn’t up that much (this has to be a gigantic Christmas present from the Universe) so it’s just fitness related.

***
Okay, I guess we’ll go ahead and get to it – my weight this morning, which marks the last week in December but also the end of the Challenge! Ha, YES, I was still technically participating!

Somehow, miraculously, I am at 218.8 this morning. It’s only a .4 gain from last week. If you saw what I ate this week, you’d be surprised too!

And I did my measurements – I’m unsure about their accuracy because I can’t remember the exact spots I measured last time, so…oh well!

Arm 12 (13 at the beginning of the challenge – 1 inch down!)
Waist 45 (47 at the beginning of the challenge – 2 inches down!)
Bust 44 (50 at the beginning of the challenge – 6 inches down! Bless the Lord and my inaccurate measuring!)
Leg 26 (26.5 at the beginning of the challenge - .5 inches down!)
Hips 50 (52 at the beginning of the challenge – 2 inches down!)

Well, that makes me feel pretty good, even considering they might not be entirely accurate. 11.5 inches total? I like it.

***

On to the future.

I want and need to start doing better. I don’t want to weigh any higher than I do right now, I don’t deserve to. I was looking at my own blog the other day, and realized, UH, it’s called 100in12 not for cuteness purposes, but for, you know, goal purposes. I still have that ultimate goal I’m working for.

As of right now, I’m still okay as far as those monthly goals I’ve set, and I want it to stay that way.

I want to blog more again. I miss being participatory in your lives, and my own life for that matter.

...so when are you going to Florida again?

2009-12-21T20:06:00.002-05:00

This isn’t exactly how I wanted my first post back to go, but I have to just get this out.

First, though, the biggest thank-you for all of your comments on my meltdown, and for not running me right out of the internet with torches and pitchforks for all the moping and the big pity party I threw for myself. Thank you. I’m still not doing well, but I’m slowly coming back. I started drinking water again, took vitamins, and had a good breakfast and lunch today – and I’m giving myself credit for that.

The reason I’m writing this is because of the interesting conversation I just had with my mother. She comes into the living room where I’m sitting and after asking me what I had made in the kitchen (fries…I know but that’s another post) she starts in on asking me if I’m giving up, or how long I’m going to be doing this, something to that effect.

I…calmly erupted.

I told her – “Yes, I’m having a bad weekend. I’m well aware that I’m not eating well. But it’s not your place to tell me what to do or what not to do or how to react to my life – it’s my place. I know what I’m doing and just because I have a bad weekend doesn’t mean it’s all over. During the first time around there were plenty of months, weeks, and/or days when I wasn’t on track and I took a break. But you learn from it and it doesn’t mean it’s over."

She launched into (once again) how she’s afraid no one will hire me (TOO FUCKING SOON, MA) and how my general appearance matters. She also (later on towards the end of our “talk”) mentioned she noticed I “stopped going” to the gym.

Well fuck me. (and I didn't say this, but also in regard to the gym: it’s been a god damned week, lady. BACK OFF)

I told her – “I know this isn’t how you mean it, but part of that translates to me as you don’t accept me for who I am and, more specifically, what I look like. If there is one place in the world where I am allowed to make mistakes and be myself, it should be at home.”
If I start feeling like I can’t be myself, that’s the end of the damn line right there.

She kept on going too, but eventually I just told her if she wants to support me, she can do it by keeping her distance on this.

I hope I’m expressing myself in the right way here – it’s not like I’m thrilled that I’m doing this to myself, but I can see the forest for the trees. I know this isn’t the end. I am the same person I was a week ago that I am right now.

And the thing is, this time around, I’m trying to work with my flaws rather than against them. To be quite honest with you and myself, a lot of times when my mom tells me to do something that I know I need to do but don't really want to, it just makes me want to not do it that much more. The only-child-brat inside of me wants to do the exact opposite, even though the level headed young adult side knows she's right. And I'm working on that. But right now, at this moment, I need her to not say ANYTHING because otherwise it's just going to go badly. I'm not going to react like a mature adult that handles such criticism gracefully.

Yes, quite often I can’t handle criticism, and I am emotionally immature and often still feel (and sometimes act) like a 16 year old. I can’t change all this overnight AND lose weight AND change my life AND AND AND. If I try to tackle them all at once I’ll fail and give up or I’ll freeze from intimidation and never get anywhere. I know myself and I want this to work. There are so many goddamned things I don’t like about who and where I am in life, and I’m trying to work through them slowly and work with them with full awareness that I want to eventually change or eradicate them.

I know she meant it because she cares, but it’s my program, my journey (what am I, on a reality show?) and my mistakes and successes, not anyone else’s. I lay enough guilt on myself as it is, I don’t need any outside pressure. And there are a million other little reasons why her “concern” (her words) piss me off, just things on which you’ll have to trust me when I write all this.

Has anyone else been through anything similar? Do you have that person whose advice you just don’t want on certain topics?

(PS I did weigh myself and I'm at 218.4...so I'm back up. But it's not over. Even though I'm still royally pissed off. Serenity now?)

I've been crying all day because...

2009-12-18T16:43:00.000-05:00

I got that call today. I didn’t get the job. I knew it, I KNEW it, and it still hurt like hell.

I can’t buy my parents Christmas presents.

I can't remember a time in the last year when I haven't been ashamed of where (and sometimes who) I am in life.

I have to show up to Christmas Eve dinner next week with a family that has a lawyer, a nurse, and a student in college getting amazing grades and all three of them are in serious relationships.

I don’t have a single thing that I’m really good at – that defines who I am and points me in a direction.

I have to participate in holiday small talk with people I haven’t seen in a while and tell them that I’m still unemployed. They don’t even ask about dating anymore.

Today is my one year anniversary of unemployment and I got turned away from a job that I wanted with all my heart.

I can’t pay my parents back for all the money they’ve lent me this year and last year.

I can't get a job in the field I just spent the last two years of my life dedicated to.

It’s entirely my fault I didn’t get this job and I wonder if part of me did it on purpose.

I have to start all over.

I don’t know when it’s going to stop.

I’ve got absolutely nothing.

Hmm...

2009-12-17T21:42:00.000-05:00

*You might want to skip over this part because it's BIG OL' whinefest and I'm even slightly irritated with myself but I just want to get it out and deal with it*

I came to the conclusion today, based on a number of factors, that I am 95% certain that I didn't get this most recent job I interviewed for. The one that I loved. That would have been almost perfect. And now I have nothing. I am feeling really really low. Tomorrow marks my one year unemployment anniversary.

In two weeks my parents are going down to Florida for four months. I'm worried I'm going to enter into some downward spiral and my eating will be destructive and out of control just like it was last year.

I think the only thing keeping me going at this point is the blog and not looking pitiful (TOO LATE) in front of all of you. I don't want to have to report eating an entire order of boneless buffalo wings, and almost an entire XL pizza - as one meal of my day. Or an entire cake. Or 5 different varieties of chinese/thai food. I could go on.

I don't want to do any of it. But when I remove myself from the blog and I'm left with just.me...it just doesn't feel like I'm headed in a good direction. I haven't exercised since Monday - the only thing I can manage to keep myself from doing is eating poorly - because it's easier to eat and choose healthier foods (because, hey, at least I get to eat and I'm good at that) than to exert myself physically.

I just...I wanted so badly for this (job) to be the end of an entire year of shit (I'm leaving a lot of personal stuff out that doesn't need to be put on the internet, trust.) and start the new year on a good note. But it doesn't look that way now. And I can feel myself slipping and I hate it and the worst part is not feeling like I'm worth pulling myself out if it.

Vitamins – Check

Water – 100oz

Breakfast:

*egg sandwich: toasted arnold’s thin, 3 small slices avocado, diced red pepper and egg substitute, ketchup

Lunch:

*sandwich: arnold’s sandwich thin, chicken with mayo, and gala apple slices
*18 all-bran crackers

Dinner:

*wrap: chicken with mayo, 5 bread and butter pickles, regular mustard, romaine lettuce
*half a red pepper chopped with sabra hummus (individual size)

Snack/Dessert:

*100 calorie bag of 94% fat free kettle corn popcorn (I loathe typing this out, I feel like it takes half an hour)

I'm in the Food for Love

2009-12-16T23:36:00.000-05:00

Today was low key. I didn’t exercise. In between having some family friends visit and going over to my other friends’ place for dinner, I honestly spent the day looking at my phone longingly as its silence tugged at my heartstrings. No I’m totally not melodramatic, what?

Vitamins – Check! (I may or may not have just gone downstairs to finish a bottle of water and take them so I could report I actually took them :-P)

Water – I had 60oz via my water bottle, and 3 glasses at my friends’ place for dinner. I’d say an additional 16-20oz at least.

Breakfast:

*oatmeal with raspberries, blueberries, and slivered almonds

Lunch:

*can of V8
*wrap: chicken with mayo, 3 slices avocado, whole wheat wrap, chopped romaine lettuce, 8 bread and butter pickles, honey mustard
*half cup veggie crunchers

*Cup of coffee

Dinner:

*2 small breasts of orange ginger glazed chicken (maybe 6oz in total, so a hefty portion!)
*2/3 cup of white rice

Dessert:

*glass (cup and a half, I’d say) of milk
*3 chocolate chip cookies.

Heh, yes indeed I had cookies and milk for dessert. Dinner and dessert was over at my friends’ place, in their new condo – they finally moved in last weekend! So we had dinner and then had dessert while watching Up. Seriously, I love that movie :-) We had a good time!

(CRAP! Didn't get in a veggie at dinner. Shoot.)

Oh, hi there.

2009-12-16T11:03:00.002-05:00

I didn't post last night, that's obvious, no? I kinda, just, didn't feel like it. I turned my computer off early in the evening and wanted to step away from it a little bit. It didn't help that I didn't eat in a timely fashion yesterday and I wasn't looking forward to posting AGAIN about how I missed a meal because I'm a poor planner and got all crazy and distracted yada yada. I just get worried that you all out there in blogland are going to start thinking I have an actual problem of some kind - other than just being scatterbrained, mind you. I suppose I should also not care what other people think...but that's a completely different discussion/blog/world isn't it?

Okay, so let's just get down to business then!

I'lll start with our regularly scheduled progamming, Challenge Wednesdays!

...even though it's total BS. I call BS on the scale.

Do you know what it said?

I'll tell you.

217.

Between Monday and now I seem to have gained like 3 pounds. Impossible. I believe the culprit to be water - both in that I didn't have enough of it on Tuesday, but also because I drank some this morning without thinking as I got up before I got on the scale. And That Biological Event of a Woman That Shall Not Be Named is coming up real soon. Gross.

The reasons for the scale number could be all of these or none of these, I don't know. Regardless I'm totally not buying this number at all, so no worries.

On to goal-tracking!

Last week's goals were:

*Keep tracking and drinking water! Check!
*Vitamins.every.day. Check!
*Do the Shred DVD at least once FAIL.
*Eat a fruit or a vegetable at every meal. Things like V8 or some soups count – but I don’t want to rely on them. So close! I'm gonna give myself a Half-Check on this one.
*Don’t look at the scale until Monday. Check!

I got most of 'em!

Goals for next week:

*Keep tracking and drinking water
*Vitamins every day
*Eat a fruit or a vegetable at every meal (V8 counts but I try not to rely on it)
*Go to the gym at least twice

Okay and now, finally, the meals from yesterday.

I had a second/final interview yesterday and I had to start getting ready around noon, and I didn’t get home until 5pm – hence the sporadic meals. They were nutritious and included veggies, though!

Vitamins – Check!

Water – Only 36oz. For shaaaame

Breakfast:

*egg sandwich: egg subst., mushrooms, 2 thin slices avocado, ketchup
*can of V8

Snack:

*half a cup of cottage cheese

Dinner:

*individual meatloaf (I ate about half, which is still a pretty big portion, well over 5oz)
*steamed broccoli
*glass of milk

Dessert:

*skinny cow ice cream cone

Til I Hear From Food (mmm yes I did watch Empire Records last night!)

2009-12-14T21:25:00.000-05:00

Made quite the triumphant return to the gym today.

I almost didn’t go. After I wrote this morning’s post (the weigh in one, not the Muppet one or the obvious ploy for STUFF!) I sat down to play Wii – MarioKart this time, I clearly need to give SMB3 a rest. I did a couple of courses and I thought to myself What did I just. freaking. say. about. this. I wasn’t happy about not exercising, and here I am continuing to not exercise. What am I waiting for? An engraved invitation apparently. But I stopped waiting for said engraved invitation and got myself there. I’m proud of that.

I’m even MORE proud of what I did. It was a quick trip, I was there for 26 minutes and 30 seconds. RUNNING ALL OF IT! I ran for 26 minutes and 30 seconds! I took the speed down a few notches (4, to be precise) to 4.6mph and ran for a little over 2 miles.

I am really proud of myself. I was getting kinda tired around minute 18, but I thought, I can make it to 20. And then I thought, hell, I can make it 6 more – it did feel like a pretty light jog. But a sustained jog for a really long time!

I also liked that I switched things up pace-wise. I don’t always have to try and be faster and run for longer and do this and that and conquer the world of fitness in one session. I did my two miles and I left because I wanted to show myself I didn’t have to keep going going going and hold unrealistic expectations (I used to do this for everything and constantly set myself up for failure) for my own fitness. I pushed myself but not to the point of impossibility.

(Side note: What really pushed me while running? I was watching Chef Academy on Bravo. I love it! I have a crush on Kup. Man that show is my guilty pleasure. That and Tough Love on VH1.)

Vitamins – Check!

Water – 116oz

Breakfast:

*1 toasted arnold’s thin (whole wheat) quartered with ICBINB spray
*egg scramble: egg subst., diced red pepper, diced mushroom, 1 LCL wedge, ketchup

Use quartered toast to scoop up egg scramble and enjoy :-D

Lunch:

*cup of veggie crunchers
*wrap: ¼ of an avocado sliced, honey mustard, tuna with mayo, romaine lettuce, 9 bread and butter pickles, whole wheat wrap
*can of V8

Seriously, I eat this wrap like every day. It’s just so good. And not fake/diet good. But REAL good!

Dinner:

*half a cup of cottage cheese
*bowl of Tastybite Madras Lentils soup

(CRAP I totally forgot about the vegetable/fruit thing! Oh well I doubled up at lunch so maybe it’s not a total wash. And it was an honest mistake, I didn’t deliberately not add veggies or fruit! I swear!)

Whatever you do, don't abbreviate Bath and Body Works as BBW on Twitter. You'll regret it.

2009-12-14T14:33:00.000-05:00

My helpful advice above (TRUST ME) has nothing to do with this post, but it's good advice nonetheless.

I just wanted to quickly mention that Fantabulously Frugal is having a freaking sweet giveaway and you should go over and enter - there isn't much time left!

I mention BBW (JFC, Bath and Body Works) because I used to work there! Some of their stuff is included in the giveaway. I still use their products almost exclusively. Even though they have the unfortunate habit of discontinuing scents I love.

Anyhoodle, check out the giveaway here!

I love them. So. Flipping. Much.

2009-12-14T11:30:00.000-05:00

Because. Just because.

Just Because Part 2.

PS Christmas is next week!? Can I get a SAY WHAAAAAA?! I can't believe it.

All The Weigh Down

2009-12-14T09:39:00.000-05:00

(Today's post title brought to you by Glen Hansard - this song is from the Once soundtrack. Such a good album. I listen to Say It To Me Now over and over and over again)

I’m not sure how to feel about today’s weigh-in. I mean, let me be clear: it’s good – no – great! But I only exercised twice last week – Monday and Wednesday. So I can only assume my deficit was obtained by eating less.

I guess my loss this week doesn’t feel as earned as it has in previous weeks. I want exercise to be a part of this weight loss too, so when I take it out…it feels like I’m not doing things right.

So this week didn’t incorporate everything that I wanted it to, but it was more about healthy eating than controlling calories, because I don’t count calories. So it’s still a good thing, especially with my fruit/vegetable goal. I think that helped. And just in general, I want my eating to be about focusing on the right choices, making nutritional choices, not just eating less or limiting my calories. I don’t want to rely on diet foods. Though there are exceptions, like those 100 calorie popcorn bags. Delicious! Even though I read an article recently that microwave popcorn is one of several foods that “food experts” stay away from because of the chemicals that can come from the bag during the heating process. Mmmmm, chemicals (/Homer Simpson)

Well I’ve kept you here long enough, haven’t I? If I was a reality show I’d go to commercial right now and really get you riled up. And then you’d vote me off the island or I wouldn’t be America’s favorite dancer or I wouldn’t still be in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top HEY LOOK IT’S TYRA! That’s what I call the show because Tyra Banks is the most egomaniacal person in our solar system.

Okay! So here it is:

214.8

That’s a 3.2 loss from last week. Seems a little high for no exercise, and it actually makes me think I didn’t eat enough. But I ate healthy for the most part. And a loss is a loss so I’m happy about that.

It’s a new week and another opportunity!

(45.2 total pounds down!)

Meal Time with Bill Maher

2009-12-13T22:04:00.000-05:00

It was raining today and I used that as my reason to not go to the track – I have no excuse for not doing something indoors. I should have shredded, probably. But I ate well so I’m happy with that.

I have absolutely no idea what the scale will say tomorrow. No clue whatsoever.

Before I get to the usual post fodder, um, does anyone watch Dexter? And watch the season finale tonight?! Because…WHOA. times infinity. plus eleventeen.

Vitamins – Check!

Water – I would also like to add I did have an additional 20oz last night after I posted…bringing yesterday’s grand total to 36oz. Yikes. Still not great. Today’s was MUCH better – 136oz!

Breakfast:

*gala apple
*egg sandwich: egg subst., whole wheat English muffin, ketchup

Snack:

*100 calorie bag of 94% fat free kettle corn popcorn

Lunch:

*wrap: tuna with mayo, I LCL wedge, romaine lettuce, whole wheat wrap, honey mustard, pepper, and 7 bread and butter pickles
*can of V8

Dessert: (rockin’ the dessert before dinner again)

*skinny cow ice cream cone

Dinner:

*cup of steamed broccoli
*rest of the veggie lasagna from yesterday

Also, this:

2009-12-12T21:56:00.000-05:00

1. What was the last thing you ate? Fake lasagna that was watery because my intelligent self didn’t pre cook the spinach. Call me Ina Garten, won’t you? (actually, don’t, she drives me nuts. Why is she always seemingly cooking dinners and lunches for strange men?? WHAT IS YOUR DEAL, INA)

2. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Some kinda green, I guess. Did you know that the “flesh” color crayon was voluntarily changed to “peach” in 1962 after/during the Civil Rights movement? True story. Did you also know that I’ll probably go on a tangent after answering every question and I have an inability to answer things succinctly? Also a true story.

3. Do you prefer Coffee or Tea? Coffee. Growing up I remember all the times I…I keed, I keed.

4. Favorite month of the year? May

5. Favorite food? I don’t have a favorite. I’m very inclusive.

6. Where do you like to shop? Target, NY&Co, Old Navy (though their commercials are a crime against humanity)

7. What was the last movie you watched? Yes Man on TV, Precious in the theater.

8. What was your favorite toy as a child? Rainbow Brite all the way.

9. What is your favorite Season? Fall. The glorious return of football. And stomach pains, because I’m a Redskins fan.

10. What kind of music do you prefer? I usually end up listening to pop or indie/folk-ish … But I go through phases of artists I listen to and it’s run the gamut from Clipse to Rascal Flatts to Paramore to Abba (and this was PRE-Mamma Mia) to Ray LaMontagne. Oh and I love me some Otis Redding and Sam Cooke. AAAAND the unnecessarily lengthy tangent returns.

11. Favorite day of the week? Friday

12. Do you have any pets? You know all about him, a beagle named Parker!

13. What was the last book you read? The Lost Symbol, Dan Brown

14. What is your favorite candy? Watermelon Laffy Taffy (the bar with the fake sugar seeds) or peppermint bark

15. What is your dream vacation spot? Place I’ve been to: Paris. (London is my favorite place but Paris is gorgeous) Place I haven’t been to: Greece.

16. Have you ever met a famous person? I met a handful of super cool british celebs last year when I interned in London. Helen Mirren and Sir Ian McKellen among them.

17. What are your hobbies? Reading, cooking, Super Mario Brothers 3. Really.

18. Who do you respect the most? The ‘rents

19. Are you a 'morning' or 'night' person? night

20. How many miles do you drive to work? I DON’T HAVE A JOB. WAH WAHHHHHH

Hooked on a Mealing

2009-12-12T20:50:00.000-05:00

Today was a weird day. By weird I mean lazy. I just can't bring myself to get going. And I think my food intake was too salty and I didn’t have the water consumption to make up for it. I just can’t get energized, even though my foods are healthy (despite the aforementioned salt – dinner and the veggie crunchers specifically) Oh and my technical lunch was a cup of veggie crunchers. I need to take a break from those things again.

I’ve been so lethargic these past few days. I haven’t exercised since Wednesday! Geez. I have a feeling that Monday’s weigh in will be a gain, or the same. I doubt it’ll be lower. I haven’t checked on the scale yet.

I need to get to the track tomorrow. Will I? Stay tuned. Hrrrmph! Tomorrow needs to be a good day!

*
Vitamins – Check!

My water intake is too pitiful and low to tell you. It’s embarrassing. Fine. 16 oz, plus a few sips out of my water bottle. I’ve just been so damn lazy all day.

Breakfast:

*half a banana
*egg sandwich: egg subst., ¼ cup fat free mozz. cheese, ketchup, baby spinach, arnold’s sandwich thin
*cup of coffee, black

“Lunch”/Snack:

*cup veggie crunchers

Dinner:

*”lasagna”: marinara sauce, cottage cheese, Italian seasoning and garlic salt, spinach, fat free mozzarella, thinly sliced zucchini and a sprinkling of parmesan cheese baked in the oven
*one dinner roll (120 cals) with ICBINB spray

Dessert:

*8 marshmallows :-P

(Almost 100% on the veggie/fruit at every meal. I intended to just have those crunchers as a snack, and then have lunch later...and I literally lost track of time playing Super Mario Brothers 3. I kid you not.)

Straightjacket Mealing

2009-12-11T19:06:00.000-05:00

Well, everything was fine until dinner. I overate. I don’t know why I did it. Maybe it was boredom, maybe it was because I didn’t exercise, maybe it’s because it’s almost time for…that time. (ugh) I don’t know. I just felt antsy and hungry and restricted, so I guess I acted out by eating stuff I wouldn’t normally eat? Maybe.

The rest of the day was good though. And technically I did have veggies or fruit at every meal, so that goal was accomplished.

Vitamins – Check!

Water – 76oz. better than yesterday, that’s for sure!

Breakfast:

*oatmeal with blueberries, raspberries, slivered almonds

Lunch:

*sandwich: tzatziki sauce, roasted red pepper, spinach, toasted arnold’s thin
*cup of cottage cheese

Snack:

*100 calorie bag of 94% fat free kettle corn popcorn

Snack:

*cup veggie crunchers

Dinner:

*two big tacos: yellow rice, ham, corn, cheese, light sour cream, tortillas (whole wheat high fiber/lowcarb) Okay they were probably more like burritos, and I had two. They were either gigantic tacos or medium size burritos. Either way I ate too much.

Meals Like Today

2009-12-10T20:55:00.000-05:00

Not much to talk about today. Didn't exercise, just the LOC exhibit and relaxing.

Vitamins – Check!

Water – a measly 56oz! I seem to drink less water on the days I don’t exercise, but it’s a little extreme today.

Breakfast:

*half a banana
*glass/cup of milk
*two pumpkin waffles toasted with ICBINB spray

Lunch:

*100 calorie wrap, romaine lettuce, grilled tilapia seasoned with old bay, mango salsa
*cup veggie crunchers

Dinner:

*cup of cottage cheese
*sautéed onions and peppers

(almost 100% on the veggie/fruit at each meal...I'm not sold on just the lettuce from the wrap :-P)