Breakfast, Etc.

Breakfast: A granola-type mixture. It’s pretty darn good.

I took one Nature Valley Honey n Oats packet (which is two bars) and crumbled it up. I added a sprinkling of Almond Accents Slivered Almonds, craisins, and added about three spoonfuls of plain yogurt, and then drizzled honey over all of it. Mixed it up, then added half a green apple, chopped, into the bowl. It is tasty.

I’m trying to eat it slowly so that I see how full I’m going to be after eating it. I’m used to some sort of bread with breakfast but I’m hoping the granola will count, and that the almonds will help with the fullness too. We’ll see. If not, I can always whip up an egg (substitute) or have a piece of fruit to go with it. If I need it, I’ve only had like five bites of my breakfast. Settle.

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Like many attempting to lose weight, this is not the first time I’ve done this. Last time, I was fairly successful, but then I let life get me down. Anyway, last time I also did a fair bit of writing, but it was all in private, non-online journals (Gasp! Writing! With a pen!) that I kept to myself and hoped my parents never accidentally opened.

I decided to go back and read my previous thoughts, and see what still works and what isn’t so great this time around.

From my first entry, February 2007.

“Maybe some days I’ll count calories. Some days I won’t. I’ll go to the gym, but not every day. I need to let go of strict rule and just focus on…focusing. Rules make me want to break them. I need to make better choices.”

“You can’t view this as a punishment. This is a great thing I’m doing for myself. I should be just as proud of this as I am about applying to grad schools. Losing this amount of weight (Editors note: I was just at the beginning, I hadn’t lost anything yet!) is impressive and it will drastically improve my life. I am proud of myself. “

“It feels like going to the gym is the equality of saying ‘I’m fat and I need to lose weight’…GYM = living healthfully and treating my body positively!”

Ah, and that was only part of day one. And, if you would please be so kind as to excuse weird sentence structure and switching “you” and “I” quite often. They say write what you know, and one thing I don’t know is any formal style of writing. But I know how I felt, and how I feel now. Looking back at all of that, I definitely believed it for a while, but in the end I did get obsessive over calorie counting - for meals and exercise.

There are definitely things there I need to remember, though - especially the part about this not being a punishment. I had honestly forgotten about that, and it was good to read it now. I’ve never been good at doing healthy things for myself, because I just don’t have the self-respect or self-worth that I should - and then of course we beat ourselves up for not having said self-respect or self-worth and the cycle continues. Le sigh.

So for me, it’s really about finding the balance between taking it easy but still focusing on what I’m doing, eating, and exercising. It all matters, but in the end I matter most, right? Whatever that means.

Dinner (aka internal battle royale)

My dinner wasn’t too bad. It was definitely a battle to keep myself from going overboard, though. I suddenly wanted comfort and safety, and for me, that usually means lots of food and none of it good for me. But, I said to myself that I wanted to be honest and really try and stick to things, so I compromised.

I make this chicken salad with craisins, and I usually have it as a sandwich with apple slices and lettuce (all on the sandwich), along with a mountain (literally, a mountain) of chips. That’s what I wanted. But it’s not what I ate.

I chopped up half a granny smith apple and mixed it with the chicken, low-fat mayo (I made sure to use just enough to barely coat the chicken) and craisins, and ate it as is, without the bread and chips. My parents had made a separate dinner for themselves earlier, so before I sat down for the chicken salad, I ate half of a salmon patty (the whole thing was about the size of my palm), about 1/3 cup of roast potatoes, and maybe the same amount of this weird fennel/cabbage/onion slaw. I’m not really sure about the nutritional value of any of them, but I was still happy that I just picked at them a little – instead of getting a plate and loading it up anyway and finding ways to excuse myself from being at fault.

I feel full, I think. Happy, more than anything, that I managed to keep from sabotaging myself. At least one more day. Or twelve more hours, or something.

o.m.g.

Totally went to the gym today. I’m a member of Spark People and I wrote a short blog and I briefly mentioned that I was thinking about bringing workout clothes along with me so that after a meeting I had today, I would go straight to the gym.

…are you sitting down?

I actually did what I said I was going to do. It’s the small victories, people. I hopped on the treadmill for 20 minutes, only 4:30 of which was jogging, but that’s enough to start with. I weigh 260 - I’m not Flo Jo. Then I used a few weight machines, for about 20 minutes. Then back on the treadmill for 15, all walking.

It’s a good start for me, I’m happy with what I did. Often I beat myself up for not doing enough, because I hold unrealistic expectations for myself. I’m trying to not do that this time around. I went to the gym, I worked out, I broke a sweat, and I feel a little sore. That’s good.
I do need workout playlist help, though. It hasn’t been updated in a long time, and only currently has five songs on it. This isn’t really helpful, and I’ve grown tired of the songs. I think I might do a little research and see what other people listen to and spice up my own.

Food update:

I haven’t eaten dinner yet. Which is also to say, I haven’t eaten since breakfast (though it was around 10:30AM). I know this is a problem, and I usually don’t let this much time pass in between eating something. I had to leave around 12:45 for a meeting in my nearby city, and didn’t get back into my town/the gym until 4:15PM, and I didn’t get home until 5:30PM. Next time I’ll bring a little bar or a piece of fruit to eat.

Anyway, stay tuned for the dinner update.

Breakfast

It’s time to shit or get off the pot, as they say. Though I never really liked that phrase. Any references to toilets creep me out.

Um, what was the point of this? Oh, right, breakfast. Excellent transition, if I do say so myself.

About ¾ of a cup of low fat cottage cheese.
1 piece of toast, whole wheat/whole grain bread
On top of the aforementioned toast, one Laughing Cow Light cheese wedge, spread.
On top of toast and cheese spread, egg substitute…thing, I guess, fried (?) but I only used Pam to cook it. Over-hard, maybe? I don’t understand egg preparations.
A smidge of ketchup on the egg/cheese/bread creation.
Cup of coffee with a little bit of Sugar-Free French Vanilla Coffee-Mate

I have no idea what the calorie count for this is, nor do I care to know. I don’t want it to be about measuring and calories and science, at least not right now. Measuring out your food isn’t realistic. For me this is about healthy eating, choosing foods that are beneficial to me. Long lasting health a diet does not make. I do know that the cottage cheese and bread are the highest in calories, but I’m okay with it because they’re pretty healthy with fiber and protein and what not.

I chose these foods either because I know that they are good for me, and/or they are low calorie versions of their fuller-fat siblings but still taste good. And believe me, I do not make that endorsement lightly. It irritates the hell out of me when people say “Oh, just drink water with a fingernail’s worth of Splenda mixed in, it tastes just like cake! Yummy!” …Bullshit. I call bullshit. No, it doesn’t. And punishing myself in such a way is only going to drive me to said cake quicker. Also, grown adults using the word “yummy” does things to my central nervous system you wouldn’t believe.

(Oh, okay, fine, I know coffee isn’t the healthiest, but it is DELICIOUS. Have you tasted it? Seriously. And I do believe stimulates your metabolism, no? I mean, nothing long-lasting but I’ll take it. I’ve heard green tea is good for the metabolism also. Maybe I’ll give that a try during the day sometime.)

Deep breaths, take the plunge.

You may have noticed the name of this blog is 100in12. And that I haven't made any mention of weights or numbers or scales or anything.

I am super good at this, you guys.

Okay, maybe I'll give a little effort.Even though it's at night and that is not prime results time*, I'm doing it anyway.

*goes to bathroom, steps on scale, shouts obscenities*

I'm back!

260.6 - that is officially the most I have ever weighed in my life. The last time I embarked on a weight loss journey (the 2007-2008 time frame I mentioned earlier) I started at 258. So, not that much of a difference, but it still smarts quite a bit. I have been avoiding the scale for just this reason.

If you're curious, that pans out to a size 24.

You ever take a step back and thing, holy god, I wear a size TWENTY FOUR? I spend most of my time trying not to think about it and concentrate on my image of myself in my head, and while MentalVersion is still big, she's still considerably smaller than RealLifeVersion.

So if we're in the business of setting goals, that means that by September of Two Thousand and Ten A.D., I will weigh 160.6. I will still be overweight for my height, but a hell of a lot happier. I'm not one of those women who is hell bent on weighing 110 and wearing a bikini and looking like Heidi Klum when I wake up in the morning. The smallest I've been in the last two years was 195, and I felt amazing. So 16o should feel pretty damn good. If I can just stick to it and try.

100 in 12 works out to be about 8 pounds a month, or two pounds a week, which is a healthy and realistic amount. Though it requires consistent results, which I've had trouble with in the past.

But here we go. September 09: 260.6

*If you're curious, my usual method of weighing myself is to do it once a week, usually in the morning. Always on the same day, and most often without clothing, and after going to the bathroom. I know, I'm not a wrestler, but I'm a vain woman who tries to shave off any spare ounce I can through trickery.

Be real.

Remember that time when I said I was going to make an effort at both blogging and weight loss?

Oops?

From 2007-2008 I lost about 50 pounds. I had quit my job to go back to school for my Masters in something I loved, and I was excelling and involved in school and gaining internship experiences and the world was my oyster. The economy tanked right around my graduation. I’ve been unemployed for almost nine months now. Unless you count eating my feelings as a job, then I’m Bill Mutherfucking Gates.

This stretch of unemployment has effected my psyche in incredibly negative ways you can’t even imagine. I’m trying to not make this a “listen to me whine about my emotions as an excuse for my eating habits” blog, but, well, listen to me whine about my emotions about how they affect my eating habits, won’t you?

It’s a vicious cycle. My horrid (which is to say, lack of an) emotional well-being keeps me beat down, insecure and hating myself, so I have no reason to want to treat myself properly. Those emotions feed on themselves and I find myself feeding…on everything.

Wouldn’t this be the time for you to get your ass in gear over something you can actually control, like how much you eat and how often you exercise, you ask? Well, if I was practical and emotionally rational then I wouldn’t be overweight in the first place, now would I? (side note: answering self-provoked questions with other sarcastic questions…ah, defense mechanisms, is there nothing you can’t deflect?)

In the last week I’ve polished off the rest of the chocolate stash I’ve had under my bed, but managed to keep myself away from buying more, at least. Have you ever known an alcoholic, or heard one talk about how the disease manifests itself in his/her life? Sometimes I feel like that, but with food. The secret stashes, the eating alone, the escapism from my problems with food, making excuses for the way I eat or living in a fantasy world and ignoring the truth as it stands right in front of me.

I’ve done Weight Watchers three separate times, so it’s not like I haven’t tried group meetings to manage my “addiction”. I don’t particularly like groups. I suppose Weight Watchers is good because it shames you into losing weight, as you have to be accountable to a stranger onto whom you project your feelings of judgment. Bitterness, thy name is 100in12.