She Moves in Secret Weighs

Heeyyooooo! Back with the pun-ny post titles. How do you like that. I'm not making any promises, because it's actually really tough to come up with one for "meal" and "food" every day. I'm running out of ideas. If you have any ideas for those, send them my way! I'll even credit you :-)

Okay, so you'll notice my cheerful disposition and excessive use of smiley emoticons and exclamation marks. I...LOST WEIGHT.

I literally don't know how this is possible. In fact I kind of think it's unfair given the week that I've had even if I did sort of get my head together the past few days. I'm not about to give the lost weight back to the scale, but...I dunno, it feels different when you know you didn't earn it, right?

This is what Taylizzle told me this morning:

217

That's a 1.8 pounds from last week. I am dumbfounded and happy and weirded out but I'm gonna roll with it and have a better week this week.

(and thanks for your comments on the vlog. it made coming out of the blogset much easier, hehe! I guess the reason I stayed anonymous at first was because I was afraid if my friends ever stumbled upon this blog, they would see my weight and I would be embarrassed. But at this point, I should be proud to show off what I've accomplished, rather than ashamed of what I haven't yet, right? That's how I should feel, now I just have to get there!)

(oh and Rebecca, let me know when you're in Baltimore! We're totally hanging out. Done deal.)

(I'm just gonna keep going with this whole parenthetical post, and tell you that I just got a new winter coat - because I have great timing and all - from Target on clearance. It was $7.50! It's a cute salmon-pink pea coat. It's an XXL and I can button it but it's not comfortable. And yet I have an XXL dress of theirs that is big on me now...their sizing confuses me. But anyway, this coat is on the "Must Lose Weight To Wear" list!)

Hi.

It's a new year and I'm throwing caution to the wind. This is me. Scatterbrained and wordy. It's 6 minutes long, I know. I don't know how to edit things; myself or videos, namely.

And sorry about the lighting, it's all over the place, much like myself. Oh and the audio is kinda crappy. I'm a filmmaker!

(Is it working now, for those of you that couldn't get it before? It gave me an "An error occurred, try again later" message a little bit ago, but now it's playing fine for me. Feel free to try it again! Or, this pretty much recaps it: Good Day. Haircut. Coffee with blog friend. Poor production value. I'm wordy. And weird. Fin.)

***Edited to add: I’m dumb. Becca’s blog is beccarunsboston.wordpress.com, not blogger/blogspot. She’s on my links over there, (Boston) Marathoner in Training. She’s all hardcore and what not!

So the rest of my day went swimmingly. I did a lil Wii Fit Plus. Only burned a little over 100 calories, but I was doing it to pass time, not to actually work out. I pretty much did the Kung Fu Rhythm over and over again.

My dinner was the randomest of random dinners in our solar system. I had a V8, a handful of turkey pepperoni, and maybe a ¾ a cup of pasta. I ate them all separately, mind you. But it was still kind of bizarre. But I got in some veggies (technically speaking, or so the can tells me…and if it’s printed on a product, it HAS to be true, right?!) and some protein so I’m okay with it.

The bonus of the meal was that I ate it right before I went over to my friends’ condo to play video games (honest to goodness, is that all I do?) and usually we eat when over there…but not this time!

PS, Random TV Crush Edition: Kup from Chef Academy. RAAWWWRRRRRR. Lurrrve him.

(see, with the extra words!?! I post a SIX MINUTE video and I've already made two additions to the post. Redonkulous.)

This is what low looks like, if you were wondering.

Tonight I ordered pizza and boneless wings from Dominos. I accidentally forgot to give them my credit card information, and the guy showed up needing cash.

The only cash I had was the money my parents gave me for Christmas for new running shoes.

I didn't spend all of it, but I used it.

I used some of that money for pizza.

Take a second and really think about that. Money for running shoes...used for fucking pizza.

I have done some shitty things in my life, trust me on that one. But I don't think I've ever felt as bad as I do right now. I feel like a degenerate drug addict.

Ugh.

Heeeeey bloggers (said in Buster Bluth voice)

Holy 101 followers, batman! I had no idea - I've been avoiding my blog given my lack of posting, and so I didn't know I hit the 100 mark until just now. The last time I looked it was at 96 and I half expected it to go down instead of up.

Thanks to you five for totally making my day.

So.

I've spent the past week with my friends; we spent every day together and watched movies, played video games, did jigsaw puzzles, cooked, ate, laughed, did a little bit of drinking on NYE and spent 3 hours skype-ing with our dear friend in the Air Force, currently overseas.

I did very little but I am very happy.

I weighed myself this morning. I know this is now Week 3 of being "off track" or whatever you want to call it, but I think the minute (or week) that I don't weigh myself is the week things really go downhill. Regardless of the number, stepping on that scale is still an acknowledgement that I'm trying to lose weight. Right? Maybe that's what I'm telling myself to feel better, but I think there's at least a shred of truth to it.

Hoooooo boy was I lucky. I am actually not sure how this is accurate, but what the hell!

218.8.

Same.

As.

Last.

Week.

After a week of: ice cream, s'mores, burger and fries, pizza, bagels, chinese food, sandwiches and chips, chocolate, wine, diet coke (I actually had one regular coke yesterday b/c my friend was out of the dc...the regular coke was gross. do not like.) and many other similar foods I'm sure I'm forgetting. 

I am not going to bother trying to figure out why I was given such a gift. Instead I'm going to thank my lucky stars.

Thank you, lucky stars, whom- or what- or wherever you might be.

(oh PS: thing I still refuse to eat: fast food. Cannot and will not bring myself to eat it. I had about 8,234 opportunities to eat Burger King this week and I refused. That is by far the thing I'm proudest of this week, even though I ate a million other bad things. Not going back to fast food is still a victory.)

I'm still here, guys. I promise. Hope you're still stopping by every once in a while. I'm gonna get back to it. I owe it to myself.* Also I've got two fun things coming up to tell you about so get ready for that.

My parents leave for Florida tomorrow. I can set up my Wii and Wii Fit (Christmas gift, hooray!) in the basement on our gigantor TV and try it out, and get back to the gym now that Operation No Exercise To Spite Mother (biggest eye roll in the history of eye rolls) is over.

*I don't 100 % believe this** but I'm trying out the "Fake It Til You Make It" approach and seeing how it works for me.



**OHHHH THE LACK OF SELF-WORTH, you are rich.

[Edit: I rearranged the stuff on the side, I need to see those monthly goals at the top to remind myself of what is going on! I got lucky in maintaining these two weeks and I cleared January's goal, so I need to start thinking about heading in a southerly direction in the scale to keep up with my targets!]

Here I go again...

Oh, hi there. *sheepish look*.

Uh, how’s everybody doin’?

I’m…okay. I’ve been eating pretty darn poorly this past week – lots of chocolate and candy from my stocking, Christmas cookies, ice cream, Diet Coke, and bagels for breakfast, and lunch, and dinner. There was literally one day last week when I had a bagel at EVERY MEAL. I felt…gross.

My mom and I are fine. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone in that one. I love her to pieces and I know she’s my biggest fan, she just seems to have a weird way of showing it? I don’t know.

But things are fine and we had a nice Christmas. I got money for new running shoes, so I’m probably going to go to a store like Pacers or Footsteps to get their opinions. Can I tell you, though – I am scared to go in there, and I’ll tell you why. (you can probably guess why) My size. I have this image that all people that go in there are runners, therefore zero-percent-body-fat kind of people. And also, if they have to watch you run to figure out if you over-pronate or whatever – oh man, I am terrified by not only the clerks watching me, but anyone else in the store!? EEPS.

That’s the number one reason why I haven’t gone to one of those stores yet. Or hell, even if they don’t judge me because most of the time I’m projecting and it’s my own judgment and not theirs, I’m going to compare myself like you wouldn’t believe anyway! Ugh. What a neurotic sentence that was.

Well, I’ll just have to give myself the pep talk of all pep talks at some point and just cowboy up and go in there. Because I want pretty new running shoes.

For that matter, I want to be running again. I haven’t been to the gym in two weeks. I haven’t done any kind of physical activity. I feel kind of sluggish. I noticed the other day that I felt a little more out of breath after running up all of my townhouse stairs. That scared/saddened me a little bit. My weight isn’t up that much (this has to be a gigantic Christmas present from the Universe) so it’s just fitness related.

***
Okay, I guess we’ll go ahead and get to it – my weight this morning, which marks the last week in December but also the end of the Challenge! Ha, YES, I was still technically participating!

Somehow, miraculously, I am at 218.8 this morning. It’s only a .4 gain from last week. If you saw what I ate this week, you’d be surprised too!

And I did my measurements – I’m unsure about their accuracy because I can’t remember the exact spots I measured last time, so…oh well!

Arm 12 (13 at the beginning of the challenge – 1 inch down!)
Waist 45 (47 at the beginning of the challenge – 2 inches down!)
Bust 44 (50 at the beginning of the challenge – 6 inches down! Bless the Lord and my inaccurate measuring!)
Leg 26 (26.5 at the beginning of the challenge - .5 inches down!)
Hips 50 (52 at the beginning of the challenge – 2 inches down!)

Well, that makes me feel pretty good, even considering they might not be entirely accurate. 11.5 inches total? I like it.

***

On to the future.

I want and need to start doing better. I don’t want to weigh any higher than I do right now, I don’t deserve to. I was looking at my own blog the other day, and realized, UH, it’s called 100in12 not for cuteness purposes, but for, you know, goal purposes. I still have that ultimate goal I’m working for.

As of right now, I’m still okay as far as those monthly goals I’ve set, and I want it to stay that way.

I want to blog more again. I miss being participatory in your lives, and my own life for that matter.

...so when are you going to Florida again?

This isn’t exactly how I wanted my first post back to go, but I have to just get this out.

First, though, the biggest thank-you for all of your comments on my meltdown, and for not running me right out of the internet with torches and pitchforks for all the moping and the big pity party I threw for myself. Thank you. I’m still not doing well, but I’m slowly coming back. I started drinking water again, took vitamins, and had a good breakfast and lunch today – and I’m giving myself credit for that.

The reason I’m writing this is because of the interesting conversation I just had with my mother. She comes into the living room where I’m sitting and after asking me what I had made in the kitchen (fries…I know but that’s another post) she starts in on asking me if I’m giving up, or how long I’m going to be doing this, something to that effect.

I…calmly erupted.

I told her – “Yes, I’m having a bad weekend. I’m well aware that I’m not eating well. But it’s not your place to tell me what to do or what not to do or how to react to my life – it’s my place. I know what I’m doing and just because I have a bad weekend doesn’t mean it’s all over. During the first time around there were plenty of months, weeks, and/or days when I wasn’t on track and I took a break. But you learn from it and it doesn’t mean it’s over."

She launched into (once again) how she’s afraid no one will hire me (TOO FUCKING SOON, MA) and how my general appearance matters. She also (later on towards the end of our “talk”) mentioned she noticed I “stopped going” to the gym.

Well fuck me. (and I didn't say this, but also in regard to the gym: it’s been a god damned week, lady. BACK OFF)

I told her – “I know this isn’t how you mean it, but part of that translates to me as you don’t accept me for who I am and, more specifically, what I look like. If there is one place in the world where I am allowed to make mistakes and be myself, it should be at home.”
If I start feeling like I can’t be myself, that’s the end of the damn line right there.

She kept on going too, but eventually I just told her if she wants to support me, she can do it by keeping her distance on this.

I hope I’m expressing myself in the right way here – it’s not like I’m thrilled that I’m doing this to myself, but I can see the forest for the trees. I know this isn’t the end. I am the same person I was a week ago that I am right now.

And the thing is, this time around, I’m trying to work with my flaws rather than against them. To be quite honest with you and myself, a lot of times when my mom tells me to do something that I know I need to do but don't really want to, it just makes me want to not do it that much more. The only-child-brat inside of me wants to do the exact opposite, even though the level headed young adult side knows she's right. And I'm working on that. But right now, at this moment, I need her to not say ANYTHING because otherwise it's just going to go badly. I'm not going to react like a mature adult that handles such criticism gracefully.

Yes, quite often I can’t handle criticism, and I am emotionally immature and often still feel (and sometimes act) like a 16 year old. I can’t change all this overnight AND lose weight AND change my life AND AND AND. If I try to tackle them all at once I’ll fail and give up or I’ll freeze from intimidation and never get anywhere. I know myself and I want this to work. There are so many goddamned things I don’t like about who and where I am in life, and I’m trying to work through them slowly and work with them with full awareness that I want to eventually change or eradicate them.

I know she meant it because she cares, but it’s my program, my journey (what am I, on a reality show?) and my mistakes and successes, not anyone else’s. I lay enough guilt on myself as it is, I don’t need any outside pressure. And there are a million other little reasons why her “concern” (her words) piss me off, just things on which you’ll have to trust me when I write all this.

Has anyone else been through anything similar? Do you have that person whose advice you just don’t want on certain topics?

(PS I did weigh myself and I'm at 218.4...so I'm back up. But it's not over. Even though I'm still royally pissed off. Serenity now?)