who doesn't love a girl complaining about boy problems?

Yeah, I keep saying I won’t talk about Bill. I’m gonna talk about Bill. Sigh. At some point I’m hoping my neuroses will be relatable.

I had an intense conversation with him yesterday. It’s a long complex thing that I could analyze til I’m blue in the face (and I’ve already been doing this, let’s be honest here) but…he loves me, but he can’t take “us” more serious until he knows what is going to happen next year when his middle east deal is up.

I owned up to my feelings, and now it’s time to face facts in some ways. There is a man who loves me, but is ultimately unavailable and may stay that way. The feelings are there, but he is thinking about work and grad school classes and getting his life on track.

Here’s the thing, I went through all of that last year. I started my career, I moved out on my own (okay, yes, with two roommates), I got a hell of a lot closer to the life I want. And so being in a relationship was the next thing that I wanted. And I actually found that someone! It took me 9-10 months of solid dating andso I’m still holding on so tightly because, I finally found him and I let him into that newer, better life and then he left and I’m still sad about these places in my life where he used to be.

So here’s what I WANT to say: I’m gonna take this conversation we had and put it in a box, wrap it up and slap a Don’t Take It Personally Bow on it, and put in away in the top shelf of my closet for now. And then put on a cute outfit from said closet and go out into the world and get what I want in the mean time.

(Neither Here Nor There, or NHNT: the outfit I’m wearing today has been described by a coworker as “Hot Cowgirl”)

Of course It’s one thing to write it, it’s another to believe it and truly clear my head and heartspace of him, while still wanting him in my life because he is important to me, and who knows what will happen. What I’m struggling with is… on the one hand, a relationship is something I want, and there is nothing wrong with that. And it’s my choice to put energy into something/someone I want. And god bless him, he loves me for me. I didn’t have to lose an ounce of weight for him to think I’m pretty or want the sexytimes with me.
(YEAHHH rarwrrrrr)

I am scared I won’t find that again in someone that I also find attractive, and also…It took me a solid 9-10 months of dating before I found him. I don’t want to have to go through that again (look, I know, I’m going through all of this for the first time ever, cut me a little slack) and I’m an incredibly impatient person, and it’s disheartening to look at that long road that is stretched out in front of me.

I don’t know how to end this entry. OR ANYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE, CLEARLY! :-P

caution: this isn't pretty.

Please excuse the disconnect and stream-of-consciousness…I just…need to work this out, or at least start to.

So – I’ve been a wreck lately. I’ve been getting takeout almost every night since last week, and of course it’s in no way healthy…I spent all weekend pretty much in my bed overeating. (I was at 225.6 last week. I’m sure I’m up from that.) I have also spent the past three days crying myself to sleep. Oh also, I cried prettttty much all day at work yesterday. The area underneath my eyes is completely raw from tissues and from my hands wiping away tears.

I feel lazy and unmotivated and incapable of doing any real work. I don’t want to work hard. I want to have everything handed to me. This includes love, work, and my health. I’m in a big “I hate myself” phase right now.

Something has to change, and I’m in a terrible frame of mind, and probably not the right one that could get me doing positive things for myself. I just feel myself sliding into this dark place and I don’t care enough about myself to get out.

I need SOMETHING. I need something to hold on to that’s my own. It was Bill. Then he left. Part of me still holds him accountable for my emotional saving and it’s not fair to him, nor is it fair to me because he isn’t up for the task. So even though we talk every other day or so while he’s overseas (in a place I can’t visit and the chance of us seeing each other is very slim) it’s hard because I want him to be more emotionally engaged that he is, which is pretty much impossible to do. But I don’t want to cut him out of my life, but I need to do something for me. I need to focus on me – and actually FOCUS on me, not say it and then five minutes later sit there and wonder why Bill says “love you” or “love love” instead of “I love you” and how that must mean he really doesn’t love me. YEAH, PEOPLE. THIS IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.

Work is a hot mess right now for reasons I can’t go into, but there’s a strong chance of layoffs and I’ll have to look for a new job come May or so.

Volunteering? Working during the day eliminates a lot of things I want to do (I used to be a Girl Scout and I would love to help out) and I emailed a Beagle Rescue organization about helping but they haven’t gotten back to me yet. I thought maybe I could volunteer or do something for a women’s health/weightloss clinic but I’ve been unlucky in my searches so far.

Bocce doesn’t start until April so I have to wait for that…and it's once a week but I am really looking forward to it.

I don’t have money to do much else, especially right now, so it’s hard to try and try hobbies or activities…. See? I just sit here and feel sorry for myself that I don’t make enough money, my job sucks the life out of me, and the man I let into my life is gone physically and in many ways emotionally.

I’m dicking around with my own life and I can’t climb out of this cycle. Honestly what I really want to go is start therapy but I can’t afford it, and my work insurance doesn’t cover it. I just feel so defeated and worthless. And crazy, too - going from "Let's DO IT, LIFE!" to "I HATE IT" in less than two weeks. How can I possibly make it through life, it’s too hard and I’m not good enough to do the hard work I know it takes.

headlights on dark roads - snow patrol

"I will reach out and take it....'cause I'm so tired of all this fear"

I still sort of feel like a phony with the blogging and the tweeting again. But I have been repeating to myself all day...health & happy, healthy & happy. That seems to help.

I went to Zumba tonight! I pride myself on being able to dance - I have rhythm and some moves, but...I was TERRIBLE at it! But that's okay, it was fun; I'm looking forward to going back and getting better. And it's fun to sort of treat it like dance class, too. And I really like the instructor, she was cool. So yay! Now to see if I am sore tomorrow...

The eats of the day (side note: this is so sad....but I ate ALL THREE meals at work today. So...unfortunate) were pretty good!

Packet of emergen-c with water (I wouldn’t list it, but it is technically 25 calories, and if it has calories, it gets mentioned!)

Breakfast: pomegranate Chobani, half of a whole wheat bagel thin with PB&Co The Bees Knees peanut butter...the best peanut butter in our solar system.

Lunch: an orange! (I cannot remember the last time I had an orange…), and a sandwich: trader joe’s multi-grain bread, half a laughing cow wedge, one slice white American cheese, a few ounces of low-sodium turkey breast, and a slice and a half of avocado

Snack: chocolate peppermint stick luna bar

Dinner: Spa Lean Cuisine, Apple Cranberry Chicken

And lots of water and a cup or two of green tea.

I feel good. I feel good that I'm doing good things for myself. I am still having a lot of trouble with Bill (CRAP THERE GOES THE BAN...didn't even last one. freaking. day.) and looking for his praise to guide how I'm feeling. I need to fix this. I hope it comes with practice, and with time. I want to be able to do it without having to cut him out of my life...it's not his fault I have low self-esteem and he can't live up to my unrealistic expectations and constant need for validation...if it wasn't him it'd be someone else. It needs to be ME for once. I think this is going to take just as much work as losing weight...

healthy and happy...healthy and happy.

I have to write to supplement my attempts at talking.

I'm bad at talking to you. Case and point:

Okay there used to be a video here - but I'm dumb and can't figure out its formatting with the new blog template - here is the link to the YouTube video! My channel! All two videos! http://www.youtube.com/user/100in12

Point the first: CHINZ I HAZ THEM.
Point the second: Maybe I'll get better at talking. Maaaaybe.

So, what AM I talking about, exactly?

I'm sick of myself, the way I am now. Right now I'm still clinging to Bill**, we'll call him (that is not his real name), the guy I was dating last year that left a few weeks ago to work overseas for a year as a contractor. It's a long story that isn't worth telling, really...but here are the major points: We went on our first date in September, in December we really started spending a lot more time together, and on New Years he said I Love You, (I love/d him too) and he left on the 14th of January. (I knew this going in, he had already applied to the job before we met, and found out he got it like 2 weeks after our first date) He's going to be in a middle-eastern country for a year, and he doesn't know what he wants to do afterwards, which includes potentially NOT coming back to the DC area. We're keeping in touch and he tells me he loves me, that he misses me, and that I mean a lot to him....but as far as I know we aren't together. He's a great guy, and he cares about me, but his head is ultimately somewhere else.

I lost myself, I'll admit it. I lived for his validation. I still kind of feel like I do, even though he's far away. But I need to really make the effort to let go. I still love him, and want to continue to do so, but I need to get back to myself. I need hobbies, for goodness' sake!

Fun stuff coming up this summer that I referenced:

*A week in Prague and London for a high school friend's wedding
*A week in California for my godbrother's wedding
*My 10 year high school reunion! EEPS!

So like I said, some things that I want to feel happy for. I deserve to be happy and healthy, but it's going to take some work. We all know this.

Tuesday through Thursdays at my gym (yeah...the one I haven't been to since July of 2010...) at 6:30 they have dance/exercise classes. Tuesdays are hip hop, Wednesdays are Cardio Dance, and Thursdays are Zumba. I'm going. I'M GOING TO THESE.

I also have a Living Social deal for one month of unlimited Bikram yoga at this one studio on the Hill. I haven't used it yet...I'm working up the courage - I'm absolutely scared to go, being so large. I'm afraid I will pass out or vomit in front of a room full of strangers. I have to start it by March, so time's ticking on this one!

I have been better in the past week with eating. Vegetables. Cooking, not eating out. It hasn't been perfect, but it's better. Drinking water, taking vitamins...eating deliberately.

That's what I want. To get healthy and happy. For me.

(**NOTE: This is the last time I will talk about him..I'm banning it from this blog and my general everyday conversation topics...unless he ends up doing something SUPER out-of-character-romantic...which won't happen.)

the ups and the downs

today:

breakfast was two chicken sausage links and scrambled eggs with some heinz 57 sauce
then i had about 4 lifesaver gummies and like 5 kitkat minis (fuck you, halloween!)
then i had chick-fil-a for lunch - root beer, about 9-10 chicken nuggets, and 95% of the small/medium waffle fries

then i went for a run! map my run said it was 1.92 miles. i was gone for about 45 minutes...i guarantee only like 10 of that was actual running. but i got out there!

up next, we have a happy hour with my grad school program alums. at the cheesecake factory. SIGH. at least i was smart and looked up the nutritional facts beforehand...because...yeesh. i'm going to plan for a glass of wine, some edamame, and if i get peer pressured into cheesecake, make someone split it with me and only have a couple of bites. we'll see if i can stick to it :-P

current thoughts

* Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Cream Cheese might be the most amazing thing on the planet.

* I just ordered some stuff from the Breathe fragrance here: http://www.lollialife.com/ ...I’m gonna make out with myself, that’s how good it smells.

* Tonight for dinner I steamed some chopped kale, spinach, zucchini and broccoli and mixed it with some goat cheese and chicken. This was my first time cooking in months, but also my first time eating VEGETABLES in lord knows how long. It was really good. I’m an adult! Sometimes!

* I bought vitamins today. I hope I can make a habit of them.

* I weigh 216. I'm okay with it...just okay. I want to see it go down.

* A boy called me vivacious today. I think I’m gonna keep that one (the adjective, not the boy) in my back pocket for a while.

It's these little things. These little things peppered throughout the day that I need to pay attention to, to focus on. I'm all about the baby steps right now. No, I haven't made it into the gym yet. But I will, I'm letting myself get there when I get there. I know I'm headed there and that's enough for me, I'm being careful and slow and deliberate to ease myself back into being here and truly taking care of myself.

It really does take a lot of effort and time and I want to get it right. That's the health stuff but it's also the boy stuff. (and not even with the one that called me vivacious....what a tangled web I weave...)

There's an ongoing...something...happening and I'm working up the courage to broach the "tell me how you feel about me" conversation, and that is HUGE for me. Something like that takes a lot of self-respect and self-worth and you all reading this know on which side of that line I often stand. Especially because I think in my gut it won't be what I want to hear (I want this to be something meaningful) but I'm going to do my best to keep my mind and my ears open but still not accept less than what I deserve. And then of course, actually follow through on what I said and not chicken out. I am REALLY good at chickening out!

So there's that.

(How often do I tag food, dating, emotions, and thought? That is my LIFE right now!)