...so when are you going to Florida again?

This isn’t exactly how I wanted my first post back to go, but I have to just get this out.

First, though, the biggest thank-you for all of your comments on my meltdown, and for not running me right out of the internet with torches and pitchforks for all the moping and the big pity party I threw for myself. Thank you. I’m still not doing well, but I’m slowly coming back. I started drinking water again, took vitamins, and had a good breakfast and lunch today – and I’m giving myself credit for that.

The reason I’m writing this is because of the interesting conversation I just had with my mother. She comes into the living room where I’m sitting and after asking me what I had made in the kitchen (fries…I know but that’s another post) she starts in on asking me if I’m giving up, or how long I’m going to be doing this, something to that effect.

I…calmly erupted.

I told her – “Yes, I’m having a bad weekend. I’m well aware that I’m not eating well. But it’s not your place to tell me what to do or what not to do or how to react to my life – it’s my place. I know what I’m doing and just because I have a bad weekend doesn’t mean it’s all over. During the first time around there were plenty of months, weeks, and/or days when I wasn’t on track and I took a break. But you learn from it and it doesn’t mean it’s over."

She launched into (once again) how she’s afraid no one will hire me (TOO FUCKING SOON, MA) and how my general appearance matters. She also (later on towards the end of our “talk”) mentioned she noticed I “stopped going” to the gym.

Well fuck me. (and I didn't say this, but also in regard to the gym: it’s been a god damned week, lady. BACK OFF)

I told her – “I know this isn’t how you mean it, but part of that translates to me as you don’t accept me for who I am and, more specifically, what I look like. If there is one place in the world where I am allowed to make mistakes and be myself, it should be at home.”
If I start feeling like I can’t be myself, that’s the end of the damn line right there.

She kept on going too, but eventually I just told her if she wants to support me, she can do it by keeping her distance on this.

I hope I’m expressing myself in the right way here – it’s not like I’m thrilled that I’m doing this to myself, but I can see the forest for the trees. I know this isn’t the end. I am the same person I was a week ago that I am right now.

And the thing is, this time around, I’m trying to work with my flaws rather than against them. To be quite honest with you and myself, a lot of times when my mom tells me to do something that I know I need to do but don't really want to, it just makes me want to not do it that much more. The only-child-brat inside of me wants to do the exact opposite, even though the level headed young adult side knows she's right. And I'm working on that. But right now, at this moment, I need her to not say ANYTHING because otherwise it's just going to go badly. I'm not going to react like a mature adult that handles such criticism gracefully.

Yes, quite often I can’t handle criticism, and I am emotionally immature and often still feel (and sometimes act) like a 16 year old. I can’t change all this overnight AND lose weight AND change my life AND AND AND. If I try to tackle them all at once I’ll fail and give up or I’ll freeze from intimidation and never get anywhere. I know myself and I want this to work. There are so many goddamned things I don’t like about who and where I am in life, and I’m trying to work through them slowly and work with them with full awareness that I want to eventually change or eradicate them.

I know she meant it because she cares, but it’s my program, my journey (what am I, on a reality show?) and my mistakes and successes, not anyone else’s. I lay enough guilt on myself as it is, I don’t need any outside pressure. And there are a million other little reasons why her “concern” (her words) piss me off, just things on which you’ll have to trust me when I write all this.

Has anyone else been through anything similar? Do you have that person whose advice you just don’t want on certain topics?

(PS I did weigh myself and I'm at 218.4...so I'm back up. But it's not over. Even though I'm still royally pissed off. Serenity now?)

I've been crying all day because...

I got that call today. I didn’t get the job. I knew it, I KNEW it, and it still hurt like hell.

I can’t buy my parents Christmas presents.

I can't remember a time in the last year when I haven't been ashamed of where (and sometimes who) I am in life.

I have to show up to Christmas Eve dinner next week with a family that has a lawyer, a nurse, and a student in college getting amazing grades and all three of them are in serious relationships.

I don’t have a single thing that I’m really good at – that defines who I am and points me in a direction.

I have to participate in holiday small talk with people I haven’t seen in a while and tell them that I’m still unemployed. They don’t even ask about dating anymore.

Today is my one year anniversary of unemployment and I got turned away from a job that I wanted with all my heart.

I can’t pay my parents back for all the money they’ve lent me this year and last year.

I can't get a job in the field I just spent the last two years of my life dedicated to.

It’s entirely my fault I didn’t get this job and I wonder if part of me did it on purpose.

I have to start all over.

I don’t know when it’s going to stop.

I’ve got absolutely nothing.

Hmm...

*You might want to skip over this part because it's BIG OL' whinefest and I'm even slightly irritated with myself but I just want to get it out and deal with it*

I came to the conclusion today, based on a number of factors, that I am 95% certain that I didn't get this most recent job I interviewed for. The one that I loved. That would have been almost perfect. And now I have nothing. I am feeling really really low. Tomorrow marks my one year unemployment anniversary.

In two weeks my parents are going down to Florida for four months. I'm worried I'm going to enter into some downward spiral and my eating will be destructive and out of control just like it was last year.

I think the only thing keeping me going at this point is the blog and not looking pitiful (TOO LATE) in front of all of you. I don't want to have to report eating an entire order of boneless buffalo wings, and almost an entire XL pizza - as one meal of my day. Or an entire cake. Or 5 different varieties of chinese/thai food. I could go on.

I don't want to do any of it. But when I remove myself from the blog and I'm left with just.me...it just doesn't feel like I'm headed in a good direction. I haven't exercised since Monday - the only thing I can manage to keep myself from doing is eating poorly - because it's easier to eat and choose healthier foods (because, hey, at least I get to eat and I'm good at that) than to exert myself physically.

I just...I wanted so badly for this (job) to be the end of an entire year of shit (I'm leaving a lot of personal stuff out that doesn't need to be put on the internet, trust.) and start the new year on a good note. But it doesn't look that way now. And I can feel myself slipping and I hate it and the worst part is not feeling like I'm worth pulling myself out if it.

Vitamins – Check

Water – 100oz

Breakfast:

*egg sandwich: toasted arnold’s thin, 3 small slices avocado, diced red pepper and egg substitute, ketchup

Lunch:

*sandwich: arnold’s sandwich thin, chicken with mayo, and gala apple slices
*18 all-bran crackers

Dinner:

*wrap: chicken with mayo, 5 bread and butter pickles, regular mustard, romaine lettuce
*half a red pepper chopped with sabra hummus (individual size)

Snack/Dessert:

*100 calorie bag of 94% fat free kettle corn popcorn (I loathe typing this out, I feel like it takes half an hour)

I'm in the Food for Love

Today was low key. I didn’t exercise. In between having some family friends visit and going over to my other friends’ place for dinner, I honestly spent the day looking at my phone longingly as its silence tugged at my heartstrings. No I’m totally not melodramatic, what?

Vitamins – Check! (I may or may not have just gone downstairs to finish a bottle of water and take them so I could report I actually took them :-P)

Water – I had 60oz via my water bottle, and 3 glasses at my friends’ place for dinner. I’d say an additional 16-20oz at least.

Breakfast:

*oatmeal with raspberries, blueberries, and slivered almonds

Lunch:

*can of V8
*wrap: chicken with mayo, 3 slices avocado, whole wheat wrap, chopped romaine lettuce, 8 bread and butter pickles, honey mustard
*half cup veggie crunchers

*Cup of coffee

Dinner:

*2 small breasts of orange ginger glazed chicken (maybe 6oz in total, so a hefty portion!)
*2/3 cup of white rice

Dessert:

*glass (cup and a half, I’d say) of milk
*3 chocolate chip cookies.

Heh, yes indeed I had cookies and milk for dessert. Dinner and dessert was over at my friends’ place, in their new condo – they finally moved in last weekend! So we had dinner and then had dessert while watching Up. Seriously, I love that movie :-) We had a good time!

(CRAP! Didn't get in a veggie at dinner. Shoot.)

Oh, hi there.

I didn't post last night, that's obvious, no? I kinda, just, didn't feel like it. I turned my computer off early in the evening and wanted to step away from it a little bit. It didn't help that I didn't eat in a timely fashion yesterday and I wasn't looking forward to posting AGAIN about how I missed a meal because I'm a poor planner and got all crazy and distracted yada yada. I just get worried that you all out there in blogland are going to start thinking I have an actual problem of some kind - other than just being scatterbrained, mind you. I suppose I should also not care what other people think...but that's a completely different discussion/blog/world isn't it?

Okay, so let's just get down to business then!

I'lll start with our regularly scheduled progamming, Challenge Wednesdays!

...even though it's total BS. I call BS on the scale.

Do you know what it said?

I'll tell you.

217.

Between Monday and now I seem to have gained like 3 pounds. Impossible. I believe the culprit to be water - both in that I didn't have enough of it on Tuesday, but also because I drank some this morning without thinking as I got up before I got on the scale. And That Biological Event of a Woman That Shall Not Be Named is coming up real soon. Gross.

The reasons for the scale number could be all of these or none of these, I don't know. Regardless I'm totally not buying this number at all, so no worries.

On to goal-tracking!

Last week's goals were:

*Keep tracking and drinking water! Check!
*Vitamins.every.day. Check!
*Do the Shred DVD at least once FAIL.
*Eat a fruit or a vegetable at every meal. Things like V8 or some soups count – but I don’t want to rely on them. So close! I'm gonna give myself a Half-Check on this one.
*Don’t look at the scale until Monday. Check!

I got most of 'em!

Goals for next week:

*Keep tracking and drinking water
*Vitamins every day
*Eat a fruit or a vegetable at every meal (V8 counts but I try not to rely on it)
*Go to the gym at least twice

Okay and now, finally, the meals from yesterday.

I had a second/final interview yesterday and I had to start getting ready around noon, and I didn’t get home until 5pm – hence the sporadic meals. They were nutritious and included veggies, though!

Vitamins – Check!

Water – Only 36oz. For shaaaame

Breakfast:

*egg sandwich: egg subst., mushrooms, 2 thin slices avocado, ketchup
*can of V8

Snack:

*half a cup of cottage cheese

Dinner:

*individual meatloaf (I ate about half, which is still a pretty big portion, well over 5oz)
*steamed broccoli
*glass of milk

Dessert:

*skinny cow ice cream cone

Til I Hear From Food (mmm yes I did watch Empire Records last night!)

Made quite the triumphant return to the gym today.

I almost didn’t go. After I wrote this morning’s post (the weigh in one, not the Muppet one or the obvious ploy for STUFF!) I sat down to play Wii – MarioKart this time, I clearly need to give SMB3 a rest. I did a couple of courses and I thought to myself What did I just. freaking. say. about. this. I wasn’t happy about not exercising, and here I am continuing to not exercise. What am I waiting for? An engraved invitation apparently. But I stopped waiting for said engraved invitation and got myself there. I’m proud of that.

I’m even MORE proud of what I did. It was a quick trip, I was there for 26 minutes and 30 seconds. RUNNING ALL OF IT! I ran for 26 minutes and 30 seconds! I took the speed down a few notches (4, to be precise) to 4.6mph and ran for a little over 2 miles.

I am really proud of myself. I was getting kinda tired around minute 18, but I thought, I can make it to 20. And then I thought, hell, I can make it 6 more – it did feel like a pretty light jog. But a sustained jog for a really long time!

I also liked that I switched things up pace-wise. I don’t always have to try and be faster and run for longer and do this and that and conquer the world of fitness in one session. I did my two miles and I left because I wanted to show myself I didn’t have to keep going going going and hold unrealistic expectations (I used to do this for everything and constantly set myself up for failure) for my own fitness. I pushed myself but not to the point of impossibility.

(Side note: What really pushed me while running? I was watching Chef Academy on Bravo. I love it! I have a crush on Kup. Man that show is my guilty pleasure. That and Tough Love on VH1.)

Vitamins – Check!

Water – 116oz

Breakfast:

*1 toasted arnold’s thin (whole wheat) quartered with ICBINB spray
*egg scramble: egg subst., diced red pepper, diced mushroom, 1 LCL wedge, ketchup

Use quartered toast to scoop up egg scramble and enjoy :-D

Lunch:

*cup of veggie crunchers
*wrap: ¼ of an avocado sliced, honey mustard, tuna with mayo, romaine lettuce, 9 bread and butter pickles, whole wheat wrap
*can of V8

Seriously, I eat this wrap like every day. It’s just so good. And not fake/diet good. But REAL good!

Dinner:

*half a cup of cottage cheese
*bowl of Tastybite Madras Lentils soup

(CRAP I totally forgot about the vegetable/fruit thing! Oh well I doubled up at lunch so maybe it’s not a total wash. And it was an honest mistake, I didn’t deliberately not add veggies or fruit! I swear!)