I am going to make up for my absence with pictures? Maybe?

So it's been a while. Ups and downs, amazing places, bad food and good food. But today I'm in a pretty good place, all things considered. So here are some pictures.

In June my dear friend from high school got married to a lovely girl from the Czech Republic; so a handful of us went over for the wedding. After a few days in Pilsen, I departed for Rome for 3 days on my own. It was spectacular.

I saw and ate amazingly wonderful things.

I went to California a month later for my godbrother's wedding, and to meet my godsister's new baby. I don't have any pictures from that...oops? But it was great.

After I got back I wasn't feeling great, I was spending too much money on delivery (and too many calories, natch) food and I was just feeling physically (and emotionally) weighed down.

So the past couple of weeks, I've been doing better. If you follow me on twitter you can see that I just synced  an app (Noom, for Android) I have that tracks your exercise and meals. Even if it's just walking, it tracks you via GPS which is brilliant. The meals thing is interesting, and I use it as more of an estimate b/c I am also keeping a Food/Mood journal as part of therapy.

I am hesitant about exercise, because I have this idea in my head (especially with sharing it on Twitter) that I have to be running 5 miles and lifting weights for an hour and be "proud" of my exercise and compete with everyone else. That walking for 20 or 30 minutes isn't good enough. Because I CAN run, even for short periods of time, but I'm embarrassed that I'm so limited. And I'm not competitive when it comes to fitness, I don't have any fitness-related goals, really. I just want to be healthy and weigh less. I have Noom set up for me to weigh 150 pounds, which, is really lofty, I know. But I'm just taking it day by day, and trying to keep my office and home stocked with healthy things that take little or no time to put together.

Including, my version of a McGriddle:

That is 1 piece of Arnold's Double Fiber bread, 1 piece of Sorrento's Cheddar/Mozarella cheese, egg substitute, 1 Jimmy Dean Turkey sausage, and 1 TBSP of Hungry Jack syrup on the bread. It's much better calorie and fat content-wise, but of course, healthier breakfasts exist :) But it's an enjoyable breakfast!

I'm having some work and relationship woes (the dude overseas in Iraq...that whole mess is still in existence) but I'm really trying so hard not to turn to food. There are days where I want to come home and burrow in my couch and order too much Thai food. But this past week I've stopped myself. Sometimes the incentive of saving money overrides the health aspect, but I'll take it either way.

I weighed myself last week, Monday I think? And I was at 238.2. So I'll probably check again tomorrow or Tuesday (and update in Noom, of course) and see how it goes. I just want to take it day by day and be grateful for what I have.

i am not clever today. but while i'm here, you know what's awesome? Girl Talk. the end. continue reading.

This morning I went to therapy, and brought a breakfast of oatmeal and blueberries and tea with me. Then I had therapy, and of course, cried, like I always do. Then I went to yoga, sweated a LOT (and it wasn’t even hot yoga :-P) and at the end, cried a little too. Something about taking all the bad energy out and replacing it with good made me realize how MUCH bad energy and negative thoughts I have right now.

I am almost wholly unhappy. And I will admit to having a tough time seeing the brighter side. I know there is one, and I’m smart enough to know that I am lucky enough to have things that others don’t. But I’m internally unhappy. I can’t remember the last time I genuinely laughed, like that kind of laugh that comes from your core and is pure happiness emanating from you.

But I’m trying. The wellbutrin is fine – I feel like I’ve evened out now, I don’t feel that “ENERGYOMFGLOLZBBQLMNOP!@#” that I did in the beginning, which was probably psychosomatic. Which is fine. But it helps me by allowing me not to spend any of my positive energy forcing myself to shower, brush my teeth, talk to people…that feels more natural and I can try and focus some positivity towards myself….if that makes sense. Too much therapy-talk? Maybe. Is this a LOT of navel-gazing? Probably.

So…things aren’t great. But I’m trying. I ate a good breakfast, and I’m doing yoga once a week, and over time I want to build it up to 2 times, maybe 3 if I can afford it. And my counselor had me order a book about eating disorders (mine being emotional eating and some binge eating – never purging, but still the binge eating) so I hope I can do some hard work there and have a better relationship with food. And with myself.

A few weeks ago I weighed myself and I was 238. And yesterday I weighed myself and I was 234. So I’m happy about that. But I’m being careful not to feel or think that “THIS IS IT! This is THE time that it works! I’m on my way and never looking back!” Do I want that? Of course I do. But I’m trying to be careful with myself this time around.

I say a lot of things and never actually do them. I’m trying the reverse this time, I guess.

I miss you guys. 

Q&A

Q: Soooo where have you been, missy?

A: Um, generally hiding and being unhappy with life.

Q: Have you been eating well?

A: Do you consider a new obsession with McGriddles “well”?

Q: What about exercising?

A: The five minute walk from the metro to my office (and back again) and walking up the escalators.

Q: So…no, is what you’re saying.

A: Yeah, no.

Q: How much do you weigh?

A: Somewhere in the 230-240 range is my guess. I haven’t weighed myself in a few weeks, and that was many sausage, egg, cheese on a croissants ago, so it’s anybody’s guess.

Q: What’s your deal with breakfast sandwiches?

A: I don’t know, man, I don’t know.

Q: So what brings you here anyway?

A: A lack of motivation to do work on a Friday?

Q: No but really.

A: To say that, I went to the doctor a few times and found out I have borderline high cholesterol, so, I actually do need to eat better, McGriddles aside.

Q: How many McGriddles have you had!?

A: Actually just one, yesterday morning. But holy hell was it amazing.

Q: Anything else you’d like to share?

A: Yeah. Wellbutrin. I mean, I don’t want to share my stash but I started taking it yesterday. Between a really mentally/emotionally unhealthy work environment and my weight gain due to stress and emotional eating, I’m really unhappy…and I’ve been seeing a therapist for about a month which has been great but I need some extra help. Plus Wellbutrin is a stimulant and an appetite suppressant…

Q: Do you want Wellbutrin to do all the diet and exercise work for you?

A: Yep.

Q: You realize that’s ridiculous.

A: Yep.

Q: Well how do you feel so far?

A: Um, I’m sure a lot of it is only psychosomatic at this point, but, I feel good. It feels like I have more energy to do the basic things like…showering, brushing my teeth, cooking for myself, that were a struggle to do before, which were fairly clear signs of depression. And whether it’s psychosomatic or actually working, I’ll take it either way.

Q: Yeah that’s true. Well good!

A: Thank you. I was initially scared to admit that I might need it, and it felt like I was admitting that something is fundamentally wrong with me – even though counseling has taught me better, I still have perfectionist tendencies and I have issues with something being “wrong” with me. But I’m an adult and it’s my job to make myself feel better, so I’m trying.

Q: That sounds reasonable.

A: Sure, I guess. We’ll see in a couple of weeks when it takes effect.

Q: So, a low-cholesterol diet, hm?

A: IT’S LIKE THEY’RE TAKING AWAY MY HAPPINESS.

Q: Whoa there tiger.

A: I’m sorry, I know.

Q: Is this still about McGriddles?

A: THEY HAVE LITTLE TINY POCKETS OF MAPLE SYRUP THAT BLEND IN WITH THE SAVORY FLAVORS! IT’S GENIUS.

empty your hands and look up

i did a yoga dvd today (neflix streaming)

my breakfast was: a cup of coffee, and an egg scramble with egg substitute, a sprinkling of feta cheese, and frozen spinach, peppers and onions. and ketchup, of course.

i have my first voice/singing lesson tonight at 8pm.

i finished doing ALL of my laundry and have started a pile of clothing to donate or give away.

celebrate the good things.

if you think YOU do something embarrassing, just...read on.

I have a really embarrassing confession to make. Like, I have literally never told anyone this, in my entire life. And god help me I hope I’m not alone in this. And even if I am, well, oh well.

More often than I’d like to admit I have conversations with myself in a mirror. But I’m not talking to myself. I imagine I’m talking to family friends, or (holy sweet baby jesus, why am I telling you this…) Bill’s family when I meet them (which won’t happen, but this is Fantasy Mirror Land, might as well embrace the crazy) and…I’m just talking about my life, or what I’m up to.

Of course it’s never reality. It’s me having hobbies and doing things that I’ve always wanted to do but been too scared or haven’t gotten my ass in gear.

Tonight, I was a girl who took dance classes for exercise (and yoga here and there). I took voice lessons and, with a musically inclined friend, helped Girl Scout troops earn arts and music badges once or twice a month. And of course had a regularly updated blog (HA) about her struggle to health and happiness (all while never giving the website – even Fantasy Mirror Land is like real life – no one in my real life knows the address and only three know I even have this blog)

And tonight, it smacked me in the face….excuse the language, but I really do love cursing, well, why the fuck can’t I be that person?

(also, I just realized Fantasy Mirror Land can be abbreviated FML. That...says...an unbelievable amount.)

What stops everyone? Fear, of course!

I don’t know where it comes from, but I have very real issues with and a fear of looking stupid – it’s the reason I despise karaoke, don’t really like dressing up for Halloween, and the worst of them all, ANY sort of audience participation. Like you know sometimes during musicals, cast members come down the aisles? I all but have a panic attack.

So…I don’t want to start things because I am so scared of being bad at them.  But we all know that’s bullshit; very few people are very good at things when they first start them – of course, my insecurity and irrationality know no bounds!

But hell, I am going to try. One of the things I will try quietly, and the other one, I’m recruiting you!

Singing/Voice lessons: I can count on one hand the number of people that have told me I have a nice voice, and many more than that have heard me sing – so I don’t know what that tells you. I know I don’t have the pipes of your Whitneys or your Christinas (but at least I know the words to the national anthem, hiyoooo!) but a softer, indie-ish kind of tone. I think. But I’m scared of failing and realizing that I really do suck at singing – because it gives me such pleasure to listen to a song and sing or hum along; it’s very calming for me. But I’m afraid of having real proof that I’m singing bad pointy daggers into the ears of my loved ones.

Tonight I found a voice teacher in my area and researched her and she seems legit – so I might pay for a few lessons and see what happens! I am terrified and happy…mostly terrified.

Dance/Yoga classes: I’m afraid of how I’ll look. Dancing and yoga is for skinny people! I’ll be honest – I have moves, I can dance fairly well and I LOVE to do it. But real classes with….people? That, my friends, is for…you know…real dancers. I’m just a chub with some rhythm. And yoga – besides the obvious farting in class – I am deeply afraid of looking stupid.

My gym already has dance and yoga classes, so…what I REALLY want there, (besides having the balls and motivation to actually GO more then the one time two weeks ago when I did Zumba…) is to have people to go with.

Connected to that, I want to get a community of DC bloggers, like myself, that are struggling with weight and exercise and all that (not necessarily struggling, but you know what I mean) to meet in person to just chat, laugh, maybe go for walks or do fun things*** – you know, like gym dance classes!

Anyone live in the DC area and belong to Fitness First?? The location on 19th (between K and L) Street NW has dance classes Tues-Thurs from 6:30-7:30. I want friends! BE FRIENDS WITH ME!

***We can go to musicals, too, but I will start crying if a grown man or woman dressed as an animal comes and writhes around on my lap. I will cry and then I will never talk to you again.

who doesn't love a girl complaining about boy problems?

Yeah, I keep saying I won’t talk about Bill. I’m gonna talk about Bill. Sigh. At some point I’m hoping my neuroses will be relatable.

I had an intense conversation with him yesterday. It’s a long complex thing that I could analyze til I’m blue in the face (and I’ve already been doing this, let’s be honest here) but…he loves me, but he can’t take “us” more serious until he knows what is going to happen next year when his middle east deal is up.

I owned up to my feelings, and now it’s time to face facts in some ways. There is a man who loves me, but is ultimately unavailable and may stay that way. The feelings are there, but he is thinking about work and grad school classes and getting his life on track.

Here’s the thing, I went through all of that last year. I started my career, I moved out on my own (okay, yes, with two roommates), I got a hell of a lot closer to the life I want. And so being in a relationship was the next thing that I wanted. And I actually found that someone! It took me 9-10 months of solid dating andso I’m still holding on so tightly because, I finally found him and I let him into that newer, better life and then he left and I’m still sad about these places in my life where he used to be.

So here’s what I WANT to say: I’m gonna take this conversation we had and put it in a box, wrap it up and slap a Don’t Take It Personally Bow on it, and put in away in the top shelf of my closet for now. And then put on a cute outfit from said closet and go out into the world and get what I want in the mean time.

(Neither Here Nor There, or NHNT: the outfit I’m wearing today has been described by a coworker as “Hot Cowgirl”)

Of course It’s one thing to write it, it’s another to believe it and truly clear my head and heartspace of him, while still wanting him in my life because he is important to me, and who knows what will happen. What I’m struggling with is… on the one hand, a relationship is something I want, and there is nothing wrong with that. And it’s my choice to put energy into something/someone I want. And god bless him, he loves me for me. I didn’t have to lose an ounce of weight for him to think I’m pretty or want the sexytimes with me.
(YEAHHH rarwrrrrr)

I am scared I won’t find that again in someone that I also find attractive, and also…It took me a solid 9-10 months of dating before I found him. I don’t want to have to go through that again (look, I know, I’m going through all of this for the first time ever, cut me a little slack) and I’m an incredibly impatient person, and it’s disheartening to look at that long road that is stretched out in front of me.

I don’t know how to end this entry. OR ANYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE, CLEARLY! :-P