um?

so by "more tomorrow" i meant...more in like, 4 months.

hi?

i don't know why i fool myself into thinking i'm going to update with any more frequency. full disclosure: i feel like i have about 17 blogs. i have a personal one that i keep with my friends (real-life friends), i have a new one that i've been keeping up that more honestly catalogs my experience with compulsive overeating.

because that's where i am now. the realization that i compulsively overeat when i'm at home, by myself. my therapist has been urging me for weeks*** to start going to overeaters anonymous...i'm not quite there yet, other than paying attention to some online communities and attending one virtual meeting. but i'm trying to accept it and work with it. i don't fully agree with the tenants of OA, because i'm not at all religious or spiritual, so the whole "higher power" aspect does not work for me.  also the strive towards "abstinence" (sugar, fat, carbs) - not sure this is even something i fully believe in either, real talk. i believe in eating like a normal person. which is to say, generally healthy eating, but taking pleasure in something indulgent every so often if it makes you happy. and i mean genuine happiness, not fulfilling emotional cavities  but i suppose i do understand the concept of clearing your system of the foods and habits you've developed an addiction to.

but the reflection, the mindfulness, the acceptance that i have some emotional issues and i use food as a crutch: yes. this.

so i'm doing my best to accept it, but not let it define me, either. the compulsion is one thing i'm dealing with. i'm also 'dealing with' great friends, family, my own apartment, a great job that allows me to do amazingly fun things, etc.

anyway, i don't know what that means for this blog, i really don't. i miss belonging to this kind of community, i do. but i just don't know if i have the time to really commit to the involvement like i was two years ago. so i don't know what that means.

sorry i'm uber mope-y today. i feel pressure because, i started this new revamped laura 2.0 this monday, so this weekend is the first real challenge. being at home alone is my kryptonite. the weekdays were filled with work, gym trainer sessions, friend-dates, and lots of activity that made it a LOT easier to not struggle with meal choices. but the weekend, when i have hours and hours of time on my hands and i feel like relaxing after a busy week. and relaxing means watching tv and eating whatever i want.

but so far today, so good.

something frivolous: can i tell you my new breakfast obsession? two eggs over medium, with sriracha sauce. holy jesus it's my favorite. and yes, i always want to eat more than two eggs. but i'm trying to reign it in, remember?!

***ETA: i just looked through old posts, i had one from JULY that talks about my therapist mentioning OA to me. holy shit, i didn't realize it had been that long. okay, yeah, so it only took five months of her mentioning it to me, for me to finally look into it (and still not fully commit.) yeesh. well, real talk, i want to use it as a tool, as a way to change my habits, not revolve my life around it. because my life does not revolve around compulsive eating.

...right?

This has been cracking me up all day. Just a little glimpse into my mind and the simple things that make me laugh.

Anyway, on to business. I cheated this morning and looked at the scale - 235. Which I'm sure means tomorrow it'll say 250 or some such nonsense. My eating has been *GREAT*....except for dinners. I haven't gotten any takeout (for breakfast, lunch, OR dinner) per one of last week's goals, but I've still eaten huge portions of not-very-healthy foods. I've been writing down everything I've eaten just for fun (I use the term "fun" VERY loosely, here) and the pattern is quite clear.

sigh. more tomorrow.

sing to me sweetly

so tuesdays are my weigh-in days. this morning i was up to 241. in the words of gru***, not. cool. i suppose i shouldn't be surprised, but what i *should* be is still caring towards myself. i want to slump my shoulders and be depressed, but i'm going to tell myself, it's okay. it's okay. i can't say "you'll bounce back next week!" and mean it, i don't want to say anything that i can't promise. so right now, all i've got is, it's okay.

in good news, after my trainer appointment last wednesday, i went to the gym on saturday on my own, and worked on some of the trainer exercises i always have trouble with...i also did a couple of the ones i actually sort of maybe sometimes like. who knew doing a rope pull would be a "reward"?

in MORE good news, i got myself up this morning and into the gym at 5:45am for a body pump class. holy sweats-a-lot, batman.

(which, btw, i have *not* seen the new one, and i feel like i have to purposefully avoid half the internet. and i have to avoid the other half to keep spoiler-free on breaking bad. i'm only 2 episodes into the 4th season and i can't. watch. them. fast. enough.)

uh, what? right. gym. so after the 60 minute body  pump class and quick shower at home, i set out on my 20 minute walk to the metro (DC's "subway") and basically just go ahead and start calling me smuckers because my legs were JEL.LY.

that was literally the stupidest thing i've ever written.

now, for the goals from last week:

*i will go to the gym (or exercise in general) two more times before next wednesday's appointment with the trainer. (YAY I DID IT!)
*i will walk *home* from the metro 4 out of 5 weekdays. (negative, ghostwriter.)
*i will make 2 multiple-serving recipes to have for meals. (nope, just made one. but i highly recommend it - crockpot chicken tacos - the EASIEST thing you will ever make) 

okay, so...not great, other than the going to the gym part.

goals for the next week:

*NO TAKEOUT/DELIVERY/FOOD OF THAT NATURE. that means breakfast, lunch, and dinner. dinner is the toughest for me - coming home and eating carbohydratey and sugary goodness while curled up on the couch and watching tv is my (unhealthy) happy place. it's comforting and easy and distracting. so, we're going slowly find other ways to have ease and comfort when i get home, but it can't be takeout/delivery.

*walk home 4 of 5 weekdays. i didn't do it last week, so, i'm going to make it a goal again this week. i consistently walk *TO* work every day, there's no question with that, but the temptation of the 2 minute bus ride vs. the 20 minute uphill walk is too much, most days. this is a mental challenge.

*go to the gym two more times after this week's appointment. same as last week.

i think eventually i'd like to push this up to 3 times, so 4 times a week including the trainer appointment, but...to be honest i feel sort of fragile with all this. i want to take it slowly and in small little measurable steps. i don't want to overwhelm myself - i'm still reeling from all of the "overeaters anonymous" talk with my therapist (and still have yet to do it) and it makes me feel like i'm incapable of doing anything myself. so i'm trying in small, little ways do it myself. slowly and carefully.

the scale will do what it will. it's okay.

(***gru. from despicable me? ....anyone? i'm 29 going on 6?)

an attempt at cultivation

you know what i realized? i like writing. i'm not great at it, but i enjoy it. and i also seem to do better during the week (health-wise) when i have little goals to focus on. so i'mma gonna try both of those things.

sidebar the first: if you're curious (by "you" i mean...OHAI I'M FLAKY ABOUT WRITING ON THE INTERTUBEZ), i currently weigh somewhere in the 232-236 range. i'm not quite sure b/c my official weigh-in day is tuesday (morning), and i was at 232. then for funsies (by "funsies" i mean, i shouldn't have done it) i weighed myself this morning. 236. so, what? maybe i was dehydrated on tuesday morning, maybe too much salt last night? i don't know. anyway, i'm just going to wait until next tuesday and see what happens!

okay. right. goals.

for the next week:

*i will go to the gym (or exercise in general) two more times before next wednesday's appointment with the trainer.
*i will walk *home* from the metro 4 out of 5 weekdays.
*i will make 2 multiple-serving recipes to have for meals.

that's it for now. i could add "writing all my meals" or "keeping a food/mood journal" or "actually do the homework my therapist told me to do" but i'm going to keep it simple and very focused.

**

in other news that is completely counterproductive to all health goals, i am having a REALLY fun social week. monday evening and tomorrow evening were/will be spent getting drinks with dear dear friends. and on friday, at work, we're having a combination engagement/new year's party. new year's, i know, it's a whole thing that really isn't worth explaining, suffice it to say it's *totally* adorable that we're doing it. :)

everything's coming up millhouse

hi loves. i just want to start off by saying, i thought to myself just before i started writing this "yes, i'm updating this so much sooner! look at me go!" and then i looked at the date stamp...a month ago!? where is the time going!? yeesh.

so this was the past six months, per my earlier post:

*i quit okcupid.
*went to jazzfest in new orleans.
*MOVED INTO MY OWN APARTMENT
*got a raving review and there is a pending promotion and raise with my name on it (pending, because, room in the budget. soooo, there's a likely chance that it won't happen because i work for a nonprofit that has zero dollars. but it's the thought that counts? question mark?
*turned 29. (WAAAAAAT...still not used to that one.)

that fourth item? the pending promotion about which i was highly skeptical? i got it! so I'm now manager level at my organization, with a decent size raise, and in the next week or two i will move into an office! very exciting stuff.

i mostly just have a mish mash of things to share, some good, some not so good.

good:

*recipe: mini egg muffins - kale, feta cheese, a smiiiiidge of garlic salt, and egg whites, baked in my silicon mini-muffin pan for 20 minutes at 375. These perfect little 1-2 bite nuggets of deliciousness. If you crush one over a piece of whole wheat toast and maybe add a smidge of salsa or ketchup on it, you can thank me later.

not good:

*last week during therapy, i confessed to my counselor that i had in NO way worked on my homework for the few weeks, which was to have healthy dinners 4 out of 5 weeknights. it was like, one, at most. i was getting delivery and eating out like crazy. her response? "you know, we haven't talked about it seriously, but, because you've tried to do this on your own and it hasn't worked, you might want to consider overeaters anonymous" ... i pretty much broke down right then and there. tears. lots of them. i was so ashamed that such a thing would even be suggested to me, because, am i really that bad? has it come to the point where i need to follow a program with the same structure that heroin addicts follow?

after the tears stopped and our session was over, the shame and sadness turned to anger. my homework from that session was to listen in to 2 conference calls of overeaters anonymous. i have yet to do it. not surprisingly, my eating has been MUCH better this past week. eating food i make, eating food with actual nutrients, etc.

i'm still not sure what to make of it. i don't even like to think about it. i don't want to. i just don't. whether i'm being stubborn, or giving it another honest try on my own, i just...i just don't know if i can. i can be really stubborn, and this is one of those times.

good:

*last week at a session with my trainer, i held a plank for 30 seconds. then i did a different exercise, and then i held a plank for another 30 seconds. about a month ago i could barely do 10 seconds. i honestly have no idea how i did it, but i felt really good. i still feel really good about it.

maybe good?

*in september i'm headed to chattanooga, tn for a few days for the arts education partnership's national forum. i have one night open to me - any suggestions? i've never been to anywhere in tennessee, actually. any "must do's" in chattanooga?

not good, kinda:

*i did a zumba class this morning (that part is good) but HOLY JESUS my lack of coordination! and the thing is, i can dance. i have rhythm and i can bust a decent move. but i have the coordination of an emu on rollerskates during zumba. what gives.

if a girl gets wrapped up in her own life and forgets to blog

...does anyone still read it?

...or...wait. i know there's a quippier way to put that.

has it really been six months? i'm sorry, internet*. i've been busy getting my life back, actually.

i write this today as a happy person. mentally and physically exhausted, but happy.

in the last six months:

*i quit okcupid.
*went to jazzfest in new orleans.
*MOVED INTO MY OWN APARTMENT
*got a raving review and there is a pending promotion and raise with my name on it (pending, because, room in the budget. soooo, there's a likely chance that it won't happen because i work for a nonprofit that has zero dollars. but it's the thought that counts? question mark?
*turned 29. (WAAAAAAT...still not used to that one.)

and as of late i've been really trying to focus on being healthy and happy. like i know i said i've been trying to do for like the past year. but for whatever reason it seems to be working.

i'm still going to my trainer, but we get in these off and on patterns that aren't exactly conducive to me making  huge progress - i haven't lost much weight but it's been a good thing to have "move more" at the front of my mind. at least, closer to the front, anyway.

i still struggle with dinner, once i get home from work. i've been eating healthful, nutritious, creative breakfasts and lunches for a while, but i often crumble at dinner. but it's okay.

still on wellbutrin (or the generic version, anyway) and that's going fine. still seeing my therapist/counsellor every 2-3 weeks depending on schedule. that's also going fine

- but can i be a little #firstworldproblems for a second? she has a habit of referencing or quoting the today show, dr. oz, or any of the other oprah's minions or whoever, and in my head i'm always like "THOSE ARE NOT REAL PSYCHOLOGICAL RESOURCES" - i mean, i don't personally value them i guess. i don't know, maybe i haven't given them enough of a chance. but it always strikes me as odd that a professional therapist or whatever references a show that kathie lee gifford has anything to do with...as a reputable source. anyway, i say this mostly tongue-in-cheek, but...it still sort of irks me a little -

MOVING ON

i don't need to be perfect, i don't need to lose a million pounds by tomorrow. (though, full disclosure, i'm going for 50 pounds lost by my next conference, which is January 11th...I've got 45 left to go)

i've been reading a book called "the gifts of imperfection" by brene brown. it's about self-compassion, shame resilience, and believing that you're worthy RIGHT NOW. not ten pounds from now, not a promotion from now. we're not not ever an accomplishment-away from being worthy of love and connection and friendship and all of these good things. we are right now. it's a concept i struggle with sometimes but it's a quick, sticky little mantra that makes its way into my head several times a week. and it makes me feel better.

is this post sickeningly sweet? maybe a little bit. but i'm happy with where i am because i feel like i've been working at it. the real test of course will be cultivating the same feelings now when i settle with the new apartment, and new title/promotion (if it happens.) i'm always looking for the next thing to validate me, to validate a reason for happiness. but i'm trying to be happy just being me. or something.

*by internet i mean the .00000003 people that maybe swing by here...or by accident? i don't know. anyhoodle, i hope you all are doing fabulously, reading this or not.

i'll try to update more. except i don't have internet in my new place yet (i just moved 3 days ago) so...that may not happen for another month or so.