...does anyone still read it?
...or...wait. i know there's a quippier way to put that.
has it really been six months? i'm sorry, internet*. i've been busy getting my life back, actually.
i write this today as a happy person. mentally and physically exhausted, but happy.
in the last six months:
*i quit okcupid.
*went to jazzfest in new orleans.
*MOVED INTO MY OWN APARTMENT
*got a raving review and there is a pending promotion and raise with my name on it (pending, because, room in the budget. soooo, there's a likely chance that it won't happen because i work for a nonprofit that has zero dollars. but it's the thought that counts? question mark?
*turned 29. (WAAAAAAT...still not used to that one.)
and as of late i've been really trying to focus on being healthy and happy. like i know i said i've been trying to do for like the past year. but for whatever reason it seems to be working.
i'm still going to my trainer, but we get in these off and on patterns that aren't exactly conducive to me making huge progress - i haven't lost much weight but it's been a good thing to have "move more" at the front of my mind. at least, closer to the front, anyway.
i still struggle with dinner, once i get home from work. i've been eating healthful, nutritious, creative breakfasts and lunches for a while, but i often crumble at dinner. but it's okay.
still on wellbutrin (or the generic version, anyway) and that's going fine. still seeing my therapist/counsellor every 2-3 weeks depending on schedule. that's also going fine
- but can i be a little #firstworldproblems for a second? she has a habit of referencing or quoting the today show, dr. oz, or any of the other oprah's minions or whoever, and in my head i'm always like "THOSE ARE NOT REAL PSYCHOLOGICAL RESOURCES" - i mean, i don't personally value them i guess. i don't know, maybe i haven't given them enough of a chance. but it always strikes me as odd that a professional therapist or whatever references a show that kathie lee gifford has anything to do with...as a reputable source. anyway, i say this mostly tongue-in-cheek, but...it still sort of irks me a little -
i don't need to be perfect, i don't need to lose a million pounds by tomorrow. (though, full disclosure, i'm going for 50 pounds lost by my next conference, which is January 11th...I've got 45 left to go)
i've been reading a book called "the gifts of imperfection" by brene brown. it's about self-compassion, shame resilience, and believing that you're worthy RIGHT NOW. not ten pounds from now, not a promotion from now. we're not not ever an accomplishment-away from being worthy of love and connection and friendship and all of these good things. we are right now. it's a concept i struggle with sometimes but it's a quick, sticky little mantra that makes its way into my head several times a week. and it makes me feel better.
is this post sickeningly sweet? maybe a little bit. but i'm happy with where i am because i feel like i've been working at it. the real test of course will be cultivating the same feelings now when i settle with the new apartment, and new title/promotion (if it happens.) i'm always looking for the next thing to validate me, to validate a reason for happiness. but i'm trying to be happy just being me. or something.
*by internet i mean the .00000003 people that maybe swing by here...or by accident? i don't know. anyhoodle, i hope you all are doing fabulously, reading this or not.
i'll try to update more. except i don't have internet in my new place yet (i just moved 3 days ago) so...that may not happen for another month or so.