healthy and happy. one of these days.

13 February 2010

The thing I come away with most after writing this post is...the heirarchy of communication technology is weird.

“Morning! Just wanted to let you know I had a great time last night and would like to do it again. You?”

So I had my first date via EHarmony last night. I think he was actually the first person on EHarmony to reach out and contact me. Throughout this whole deal I want to keep an open mind (as much as possible) and so we had been emailing for a while and then “progressed” to texting, and then he asked me to dinner. I accepted.

(The post title: You move from email, to texting, to calling, to seeing each other in person...such a funny thing how that works)

Previous to meeting him, I didn’t really feel…anything. There wasn’t anything about him that engaged me – the way he looked, or anything in our discussions via text and email. I mean he doesn’t have to be Brad Pitt or be able to talk the pants off of me, but I need and want something to click. But again, I stayed connected because I 1) wanted to give it a chance for the sake of giving something a chance and 2) make sure I wasn’t turning down an opportunity because I was afraid or scared. You never know…

So we meet for dinner…the lack of feelings continued. He was nice. And I hate saying he was nice, because that seems so condescending to say. I could tell the things he was laughing at weren’t really the things I found funny (a matching sense of humor is pretty much THE biggest thing that can make or break someone for me) and so, I went along with it. We had conversations and talked about various things and asked each other questions and it was a polite first date.

I’m happy I did it. The problem, now, is obviously what to do next. You see the opening line – a text he just sent me – I don’t want to see him again. Not said (typed) in a malicious way, just…there’s nothing there for me. I guess I have to be a grown up and tell him that.

***TANGENT! You love them, you missed them, my tangents. Anyway (a tangent within a tangent, and parenthetical thoughts!? This post couldn’t get any better or more self-indulgent) my tangent is this: anyone who reads this section of the InterTubes knows that I have issues with myself. I don’t like a lot of things about me – I think I can be immature, bratty and spoiled and expect things to be given to me without a lot of work in return. It’s ugly and I don’t like it. And I know these are things I need to change***

Maybe my experience with EHarmony is about more than just finding a date. It’s about growing up a little, making the hard decisions, doing the thing that isn’t the easiest. If I do what my head is telling me, it’s to run away and ignore him and hope he gets the picture. But…I don’t want to do that this time. I’ll have to figure out something to say to him soon to tell him thanks but no thanks.

One other thing – I hope all of this isn’t coming off like I think I’m the first person to think these thoughts. I hate when I read things and I’m like “No Shit, Sherlock”, because it’s one of my favorite phrases of all time, but also because…it’s annoying when people thing they’re handing down gospel but really, at best they’re making an observation we all have a million times over.

I think that was kind of a run-on paragraph but I hope you catch my drift. I’m not the first and only person to go through this, but it’s a first for me.

(In other news: my eating was ON. POINT. yesterday. And I’ve been doing the Wii Fit more often. I’ve been stumbling a lot too – hello, Burger King, and may I say, ew – but I feel like things are headed in the right direction in a lot of ways too)

08 February 2010

Weigh I Am

224! That's down from last week, HOLLER!

Other updates:

*May be making a real life, actual EHarmony date soon. Totally nervous. I'm still expecting to show up and be stood up. The whole "he looks in the window and sees me sitting there, and then bolts" scenario.  I really need some self esteem.

*No work today, and I still can't go anywhere because of the snow. I tried this morning - barely got down the road, and turned around and came back home. It's still really bad out there. Having a Corolla doesn' help. I love my baby and I don't want her out in this nonsense.

*It's a real challenge to keep myself from sitting inside and eating all day. Normally if I'm awake in the early hours, it's because I have work - but now I don't and I'm not my instinct is to eat. From boredom. Or to bake and THEN eat, also from boredom. Yikes. This is going to be a tough week for me. Oh, plus, being anxious about the potential EHarmony date also makes me want to eat. Ugh.

*I talked to The Matriarch (from The Family, if you remember) the other day during the snowstorm. It wasn't 4 minutes into the conversation when she asked me if I was still going to the gym. I told her I was, but not as often. And then she launched into talking about the Wii Fit and all that. It...irritated me to no end. I had a dream about this same kind of scenario the other day, but it was real life this time. I just wanted to say to her:

"The FIRST thing you bring up with me is always food and or exercising. Always. It's always about the weight - with me, with you, with somebody. Are you physically capable about talking about other things, at the very least to make me feel like you love me for reasons OTHER than how much I weigh?!" 

I know a large part of my annoyance was because I'm not happy with where I am in my "journey", and I don't want someone making me confront it. On the other hand, when she was here back in September, she did the same thing - asking me about my gym habits and what I was doing, and how I was "making her feel bad" for all the work I was doing...I still hated it, and I was doing really well. AGHHH!!! It just makes me so mad. It makes me want to not talk to her, and that makes me sad.

Eh...I didn't want to end on a sad/irritated note, because now I have myself all riled up again over it. I'm gonna go try and find something to do that doesn't involve me eating myself out of house and home.


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