i am not clever today. but while i'm here, you know what's awesome? Girl Talk. the end. continue reading.

This morning I went to therapy, and brought a breakfast of oatmeal and blueberries and tea with me. Then I had therapy, and of course, cried, like I always do. Then I went to yoga, sweated a LOT (and it wasn’t even hot yoga :-P) and at the end, cried a little too. Something about taking all the bad energy out and replacing it with good made me realize how MUCH bad energy and negative thoughts I have right now.

I am almost wholly unhappy. And I will admit to having a tough time seeing the brighter side. I know there is one, and I’m smart enough to know that I am lucky enough to have things that others don’t. But I’m internally unhappy. I can’t remember the last time I genuinely laughed, like that kind of laugh that comes from your core and is pure happiness emanating from you.

But I’m trying. The wellbutrin is fine – I feel like I’ve evened out now, I don’t feel that “ENERGYOMFGLOLZBBQLMNOP!@#” that I did in the beginning, which was probably psychosomatic. Which is fine. But it helps me by allowing me not to spend any of my positive energy forcing myself to shower, brush my teeth, talk to people…that feels more natural and I can try and focus some positivity towards myself….if that makes sense. Too much therapy-talk? Maybe. Is this a LOT of navel-gazing? Probably.

So…things aren’t great. But I’m trying. I ate a good breakfast, and I’m doing yoga once a week, and over time I want to build it up to 2 times, maybe 3 if I can afford it. And my counselor had me order a book about eating disorders (mine being emotional eating and some binge eating – never purging, but still the binge eating) so I hope I can do some hard work there and have a better relationship with food. And with myself.

A few weeks ago I weighed myself and I was 238. And yesterday I weighed myself and I was 234. So I’m happy about that. But I’m being careful not to feel or think that “THIS IS IT! This is THE time that it works! I’m on my way and never looking back!” Do I want that? Of course I do. But I’m trying to be careful with myself this time around.

I say a lot of things and never actually do them. I’m trying the reverse this time, I guess.

I miss you guys. 

Q&A

Q: Soooo where have you been, missy?

A: Um, generally hiding and being unhappy with life.

Q: Have you been eating well?

A: Do you consider a new obsession with McGriddles “well”?

Q: What about exercising?

A: The five minute walk from the metro to my office (and back again) and walking up the escalators.

Q: So…no, is what you’re saying.

A: Yeah, no.

Q: How much do you weigh?

A: Somewhere in the 230-240 range is my guess. I haven’t weighed myself in a few weeks, and that was many sausage, egg, cheese on a croissants ago, so it’s anybody’s guess.

Q: What’s your deal with breakfast sandwiches?

A: I don’t know, man, I don’t know.

Q: So what brings you here anyway?

A: A lack of motivation to do work on a Friday?

Q: No but really.

A: To say that, I went to the doctor a few times and found out I have borderline high cholesterol, so, I actually do need to eat better, McGriddles aside.

Q: How many McGriddles have you had!?

A: Actually just one, yesterday morning. But holy hell was it amazing.

Q: Anything else you’d like to share?

A: Yeah. Wellbutrin. I mean, I don’t want to share my stash but I started taking it yesterday. Between a really mentally/emotionally unhealthy work environment and my weight gain due to stress and emotional eating, I’m really unhappy…and I’ve been seeing a therapist for about a month which has been great but I need some extra help. Plus Wellbutrin is a stimulant and an appetite suppressant…

Q: Do you want Wellbutrin to do all the diet and exercise work for you?

A: Yep.

Q: You realize that’s ridiculous.

A: Yep.

Q: Well how do you feel so far?

A: Um, I’m sure a lot of it is only psychosomatic at this point, but, I feel good. It feels like I have more energy to do the basic things like…showering, brushing my teeth, cooking for myself, that were a struggle to do before, which were fairly clear signs of depression. And whether it’s psychosomatic or actually working, I’ll take it either way.

Q: Yeah that’s true. Well good!

A: Thank you. I was initially scared to admit that I might need it, and it felt like I was admitting that something is fundamentally wrong with me – even though counseling has taught me better, I still have perfectionist tendencies and I have issues with something being “wrong” with me. But I’m an adult and it’s my job to make myself feel better, so I’m trying.

Q: That sounds reasonable.

A: Sure, I guess. We’ll see in a couple of weeks when it takes effect.

Q: So, a low-cholesterol diet, hm?

A: IT’S LIKE THEY’RE TAKING AWAY MY HAPPINESS.

Q: Whoa there tiger.

A: I’m sorry, I know.

Q: Is this still about McGriddles?

A: THEY HAVE LITTLE TINY POCKETS OF MAPLE SYRUP THAT BLEND IN WITH THE SAVORY FLAVORS! IT’S GENIUS.

caution: this isn't pretty.

Please excuse the disconnect and stream-of-consciousness…I just…need to work this out, or at least start to.

So – I’ve been a wreck lately. I’ve been getting takeout almost every night since last week, and of course it’s in no way healthy…I spent all weekend pretty much in my bed overeating. (I was at 225.6 last week. I’m sure I’m up from that.) I have also spent the past three days crying myself to sleep. Oh also, I cried prettttty much all day at work yesterday. The area underneath my eyes is completely raw from tissues and from my hands wiping away tears.

I feel lazy and unmotivated and incapable of doing any real work. I don’t want to work hard. I want to have everything handed to me. This includes love, work, and my health. I’m in a big “I hate myself” phase right now.

Something has to change, and I’m in a terrible frame of mind, and probably not the right one that could get me doing positive things for myself. I just feel myself sliding into this dark place and I don’t care enough about myself to get out.

I need SOMETHING. I need something to hold on to that’s my own. It was Bill. Then he left. Part of me still holds him accountable for my emotional saving and it’s not fair to him, nor is it fair to me because he isn’t up for the task. So even though we talk every other day or so while he’s overseas (in a place I can’t visit and the chance of us seeing each other is very slim) it’s hard because I want him to be more emotionally engaged that he is, which is pretty much impossible to do. But I don’t want to cut him out of my life, but I need to do something for me. I need to focus on me – and actually FOCUS on me, not say it and then five minutes later sit there and wonder why Bill says “love you” or “love love” instead of “I love you” and how that must mean he really doesn’t love me. YEAH, PEOPLE. THIS IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.

Work is a hot mess right now for reasons I can’t go into, but there’s a strong chance of layoffs and I’ll have to look for a new job come May or so.

Volunteering? Working during the day eliminates a lot of things I want to do (I used to be a Girl Scout and I would love to help out) and I emailed a Beagle Rescue organization about helping but they haven’t gotten back to me yet. I thought maybe I could volunteer or do something for a women’s health/weightloss clinic but I’ve been unlucky in my searches so far.

Bocce doesn’t start until April so I have to wait for that…and it's once a week but I am really looking forward to it.

I don’t have money to do much else, especially right now, so it’s hard to try and try hobbies or activities…. See? I just sit here and feel sorry for myself that I don’t make enough money, my job sucks the life out of me, and the man I let into my life is gone physically and in many ways emotionally.

I’m dicking around with my own life and I can’t climb out of this cycle. Honestly what I really want to go is start therapy but I can’t afford it, and my work insurance doesn’t cover it. I just feel so defeated and worthless. And crazy, too - going from "Let's DO IT, LIFE!" to "I HATE IT" in less than two weeks. How can I possibly make it through life, it’s too hard and I’m not good enough to do the hard work I know it takes.

headlights on dark roads - snow patrol

"I will reach out and take it....'cause I'm so tired of all this fear"

I still sort of feel like a phony with the blogging and the tweeting again. But I have been repeating to myself all day...health & happy, healthy & happy. That seems to help.

I went to Zumba tonight! I pride myself on being able to dance - I have rhythm and some moves, but...I was TERRIBLE at it! But that's okay, it was fun; I'm looking forward to going back and getting better. And it's fun to sort of treat it like dance class, too. And I really like the instructor, she was cool. So yay! Now to see if I am sore tomorrow...

The eats of the day (side note: this is so sad....but I ate ALL THREE meals at work today. So...unfortunate) were pretty good!

Packet of emergen-c with water (I wouldn’t list it, but it is technically 25 calories, and if it has calories, it gets mentioned!)

Breakfast: pomegranate Chobani, half of a whole wheat bagel thin with PB&Co The Bees Knees peanut butter...the best peanut butter in our solar system.

Lunch: an orange! (I cannot remember the last time I had an orange…), and a sandwich: trader joe’s multi-grain bread, half a laughing cow wedge, one slice white American cheese, a few ounces of low-sodium turkey breast, and a slice and a half of avocado

Snack: chocolate peppermint stick luna bar

Dinner: Spa Lean Cuisine, Apple Cranberry Chicken

And lots of water and a cup or two of green tea.

I feel good. I feel good that I'm doing good things for myself. I am still having a lot of trouble with Bill (CRAP THERE GOES THE BAN...didn't even last one. freaking. day.) and looking for his praise to guide how I'm feeling. I need to fix this. I hope it comes with practice, and with time. I want to be able to do it without having to cut him out of my life...it's not his fault I have low self-esteem and he can't live up to my unrealistic expectations and constant need for validation...if it wasn't him it'd be someone else. It needs to be ME for once. I think this is going to take just as much work as losing weight...

healthy and happy...healthy and happy.

holy crap, i'm alive!

I actually wanted to post a full post earlier today, and my plan was to get into work early and do it there (hi, I'm a good employee!) but then...dc traffic ruins everything. Anyhoodle, here's what I really want to say, that's been on my mind.

I am constantly saying things. Constantly. And I'm feeling like I never actually follow through on what I say.

"I'm going to blog more"
"I need to get back into the gym"
"I'm going to start blogging again"
"I need to just...keep cool and see how it goes"
"I need to just suck it up and be a good friend"
"I need to let him make the next move, let HIM contact ME"

Rarely do I feel like I follow through on these things anymore. I chicken out - I choose selfishness over giving. I choose giving into insecurity and self-loathing and worst-case scenario (with a dash of soap-opera level theatrics) over rational thought. I choose someone else's value (or perceived/projected value) of me over my own.

(Also, can I ask a very real question? How can I be so narcissistic and simultaneously self-loathing? I'm self-centered and yet, really don't like myself in so many ways. One...that's no way to live. But two...how is that even possible?)

I really...want to be better at this. And I don't want it to be just another thing that I say....I hope it isn't.

Hi, I missed you guys. I hope you might read this, if you ever stop by. I haven't even checked my statreader to see if anyone does... I hope you are doing well. I'm okay, if you're wondering. It's late, and I haven't gotten much sleep the past couple of days, today was an emotionally draining day and I am running on empty - so the melodramatics are admittedly a little high right now. (And I've also been PMS Smurf for the past two weeks) but...I wanted to just express myself to a group I've neglected and who knows a lot of what I'm going through.

Hopefully more soon. On dating. On me. On my trip to the Bay Area and The Family and The Matriarch. Maybe a little on work, but I'm very anti-talking-about-work-on-the-internet, so....maybe not too much of that.

The one in which I try to make up for my absence with semi-interesting pictures

HI.

Well, a whole month without blogging, what have I been up to?

*WORKING. My new job is great. I'm admittedly still in the honeymoon phase, but the people are great, there is SO much potential for me to really step up my game and achieve a lot professionally, and it's in an awesome area of the city and I love going there everyday.

*TURNING 27: This past Thursday (the 27th!) was my birthday! I am now 27. This is MY YEAR, people. It's been officially declared. So I've got a lot to accomplish, and you bet your ass losing weight is one of those things.

*TRYING TO MOVE. I've been looking for apartments (rooms, really) to move into. I've been looking mostly in Virginia, as I do not want to step foot inside a DMV during this process - not to mention all the money it would cost to switch over tags and what not. No thank you.

Moving is really like interviewing all over again. I'm using Craigslist, so the good/legit ads have a lot of competition. I've gotten "turned down" for one place, and I saw 2 rooms this week and they should be making a decision soon. I really sort of fell in love with one, and I hope I get it, but we'll see.

(I also put feelers out to my friends about moving out and being a potential roommate, but no one has responded...I don't think I know anyone that is in that point in their life)

The good news about moving is that I'm not at all stressed about it. It's okay if I let myself be hopeful, because the entire world isn't riding on me finding a place. Granted, it's important, but I'm in no rush. And that's a nice position to be in.

*NEW GYM. I did it - I signed up for another gym. It sucks that I'm carrying two right now - I can't quit my other one until September when my contract is up. But I hadn't been in weeks and I just hated that it didn't have enough to offer. So I joined one that is about 2 blocks from my office - and has locations in my current town, and like 5 more all in the areas where I am looking to move. So I've got my bases covered there.

Have I been going? YES. Haha, a couple of times. I still need to set up an appointment to be "shown" the gym, and they give you a free fitness consultation and all of that and show you the weights - so I've only been on cardio so far, but it's good. They also have a nice locker room and tons of showers that are clean and nice, and it's a good deal. I'm actually paying 2 dollars LESS for this gym than my old one!

*EATING. Eating has been a mixed bag. I'm pretty good during the day, breakfast and lunch and snacks are all the normal, healthy things I've been eating. Dinner is the problem. I come home and I'm tired, and I don't have the strength a lot of days to fight the urge to eat a hot dog (fine, TWO) or make a sandwich with a gigantic pile of chips, etc etc. I never win that battle, and I need to figure out a way so that I can.

In terms of weight gain, as of this past Wednesday I was at 208. To tell you the truth, I'm not all that upset. Do I want it to continue going up? Not at all, in fact, if you can believe it, I want it to go back down. But I can only balance so much. I'm giving my eating attention, don't get me wrong, but not my full attention.

HAVING FUN! I've been hanging out with my friends, going to baseball games, being touristy in my own city, all good stuff. And a lot of fun stuff planned this summer, too. Concerts, drinks with friends, Screen on the Green, Jazz in the Sculpture Garden (these last two both being very fun DC Young Professional-type things), one and maaaybe two beach trips - this is going to be a great summer.

***

So basically I still care about losing weight and getting healthy - it's just about 3rd or 4th on the list of things I am working on. The whole 100in12 thing isn't going to happen, and I guess on one hand it's disappointing that it won't happen, but if I can accomplish a shitload of things in the meantime then, we're doing allright.

I'll try and blog more. This one was mostly out of guilt that I hadn't been here in so long, and some of you were concerned. I'll tell you this - I definitely don't want to give up completely. This blog is SUCH a source of happiness for me, regardless of my attendance within the past month. It has been such a crucial tool for my success thus far and I won't give it up. But it's just not my main focus. But I'll try and do better. I hope that now that I'm identifying my lack of complete attention and effort in my weight loss areas...I'll at least care a little more. Admitting the problem is the first step, right?

Can I make up for my poor attendance here with pictures?!

First day of work outfit!

Haha, two of my friends and I pondering a map, being tourists.

The lunch I had the other day! Whole wheat naan, baby carrots, turkey, and Trader Joe's Roasted Red Pepper Hummus.

The view from the Nationals Stadium! If you ignore that scaffolding, there's an awesome view of the Capitol.

The Food, the Bad, the Ugly

(I know, Good doesn't really work with Food. Oh well, we can't all be Billy Shakespeare ya know!)

Okay anyway, today was good and bad in two ways.

The good way was that my breakfast was healthy and delish!:

*1 vanilla chobani with kashi honey sunshine cereal mixed in
*half a WW bagel with 2 tbsp The Bees Knees PB&Co peanut butter
*glass of OJ

The other good thing is that I packed the following things to eat/snack on at work today:

small green apple
big handful of baby carrots
sandwich: arnold’s thin, handful of baby spinach, 2 slices of avocado, 4 bread and butter pickles, 1 LCL wedge.

Vitatop (cranbran)
Serving of all-bran garlic and herb crackers

Here’s where the two bad things enter in.

1: I only ate the all-bran crackers. At 4pm. I didn’t eat anything from my breakfast at 6:45am until those crackers at 4pm. I was literally up and around and working so much at such a frenzied pace that it wasn’t until 2pm that I even thought about food – and not until 4pm when I could actually pause long enough to eat something while still continuing to work. It was just one of those days.

The other bad thing is that I had the opportunity to come home and eat the food I had packed, but instead went out to dinner with my best friend from grad school. I got a meatball sub, a diet coke, and we shared fries. I’d say I had 20 fries at most. Somewhere between a handful and 20.

I feel guilty about my dinner tonight, I do. Yesterday I didn’t, but today I do. Even if it balances out calorie-wise because I had so little in the beginning of the day, it’s not how I like to eat my meals. I don’t like to eat heavily in the evenings. Tonight I ate heavily AND in the face of having a lighter healthier meal right in front of me. Sigh. But at least I’m here blogging about it. I guess I’ve got that going for me. …it’s a stretch though!

EDIT: I thought of a THIRD good thing to tip the scales towards good: I stuck to Lent: Sweets n' Jobs! No sweets. Boom. Also, I added a second Lent thing - hence the "'n Jobs" - I'm going to do something job-search-related every day. Doesn't have to be applying to a job necessarily, but something. Talking to someone, signing up for a networking event, working on a cover letter, what have you. Right now I'm off to finish an application I've been working on, and I'm waiting on an email from a friend about a connection she might have for me - so I'm going to pursue that too if she gets back to me tonight. Lent Day One is a success.

Snowtorious BIG

Work? Okay.

Eating? Okay.

Exercise? Not great. (just the gym on Monday, and some heavy duty shoveling today)

I basically want to leave you with these:

What used to be my car

The back deck...this was only about noon - it kept snowing until about 5pm. YEAH.

I did that all by myself (and that was just one section). I am officially badass.

YEESH

Hi again. I'm so sorry it's been an entire week. I'm writing this in the morning as I'm getting ready for work - I'm thinking this temp job is going to last a few more weeks, which is good. So anyway, I'm gonna get down to business.

My weight this week is: 225.8. Good in that I maintained, bad in that it's my starting/ending weight for the month, and this is the first time I haven't met (and obliterated) my goal. So that's sad, because honestly I feel like I'm out of control. Things aren't awful but I don't feel myself getting better, either.

I do really well in the mornings and afternoons. My breakfast and lunch and snacks are healthy. And then I get home after work and I don't care anymore. And forget about the weekends.

And no exercise, either. Other than the 4 flights of stairs I have to climb up to get to my car in the Metro parking garage. 

I hate that I'm sliding backwards. And that I can't stop myself from buying horrid food at the grocery store. It honestly feels like I'm punishing myself; like I'm aware of it but I still can't stop it. Man, if I could afford therapy you know where I'd be right now.

And that's it, really - there are two things I'm realizing. One, I just mentioned. I probably need to be in therapy. Did I tell you already that I did that once? In 2008, for about 6 months - as a student, my school allows you something like 12 sessions for free, so I went. It was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. 

The other thing is that I REALLY need to move out of my house. I feel like it's crushing me. It's crushing who I want to be. I understand that moving out is somewhat of a "quick fix", hence the need for therapy, but it absolutely has to happen. I'm still applying for jobs, and haven't gotten any call-backs in a while, but I'm working on it. Moving out NEEDS to happen.

So I guess I'm realizing I'm not in a good place right now, emotionally that is. Maybe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Maybe I have real depression. Maybe some weird gray area between the two. Or maybe I'm just feeling poorly because I'm eating poorly. Regardless, it's not good any way you cut it.

But let's focus on the positives, shall we?

1- I've been working. Money is always good. I don't think this will turn into a permanent position, but I'm hoping I can still network and make some contacts along the way.

2 - My morning and afternoon eating have been good. I've been packing myself good stuff again. Arnold's thin, greek yogurt, string cheese, V8, Progresso soup(! Yeah, I have like 4 reviews to do. They're tasty and they're forthcoming, I promise) and water. I'm in dire need of fruits and vegetables, though. I haven't bought any in a while. (That's probably why I've been sick with a flu/cold for a week...ugh)

3 - EHarmony: Haven't been on an actual date yet, but there are some potential suitors. No one has popped on the screen yet, but all in good time. I've done some pursuing that hasn't really worked out, and people are pursuing me. So there are things happening but nothing's really happening yet. Ha :-P

*****

I'm sorry for the all-business-no-silliness post. I miss you guys, I really do. There has been so much going on and I've been avoiding this blog world. I see people losing weight and exercising and leaving me in the dust. It doesn't make a girl feel good. But I know it's my own doing. Sigh. 

The crazy thing is, despite the fact that I have my first "red" monthly goal over there, I don't feel too bad about staying at the same weight. I went up a week or two, and I'd love it if I could go back down.

It's hard to know when you're sensationalizing everything, and when you really need to address serious problems, you know? I tend to exaggerate and blow things out of proportion - and I want to hold myself accountable while also being nice to myself. Is such a thing possible?

(Also, apologies for the broken-stream-of-consciousness-writing, and probable spelling errors - I got up at 5am today. Ew.)

Hi, lovelies. I'm still here. By "here" I mean physically alive. That's pretty much all I've got going for me.

I weighed in today, because I "forgot/didn't get on the scale" last week.

I'm at 225.8.

So you can guess how I've been eating and exercising! (poorly and non-existent-ly)

I have to finish getting ready for my temp job so I have to go, but I just wanted to say hi. I'll write more later, with a post full of complaining, a couple of good points, self-loathing, maybe an excuse or two thrown in there; it'll be great.