healthy and happy. one of these days.

11 November 2010

the ups and the downs

today:

breakfast was two chicken sausage links and scrambled eggs with some heinz 57 sauce
then i had about 4 lifesaver gummies and like 5 kitkat minis (fuck you, halloween!)
then i had chick-fil-a for lunch - root beer, about 9-10 chicken nuggets, and 95% of the small/medium waffle fries

then i went for a run! map my run said it was 1.92 miles. i was gone for about 45 minutes...i guarantee only like 10 of that was actual running. but i got out there!

up next, we have a happy hour with my grad school program alums. at the cheesecake factory. SIGH. at least i was smart and looked up the nutritional facts beforehand...because...yeesh. i'm going to plan for a glass of wine, some edamame, and if i get peer pressured into cheesecake, make someone split it with me and only have a couple of bites. we'll see if i can stick to it :-P

08 November 2010

current thoughts

* Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Cream Cheese might be the most amazing thing on the planet.

* I just ordered some stuff from the Breathe fragrance here: http://www.lollialife.com/ ...I’m gonna make out with myself, that’s how good it smells.

* Tonight for dinner I steamed some chopped kale, spinach, zucchini and broccoli and mixed it with some goat cheese and chicken. This was my first time cooking in months, but also my first time eating VEGETABLES in lord knows how long. It was really good. I’m an adult! Sometimes!

* I bought vitamins today. I hope I can make a habit of them.

* I weigh 216. I'm okay with it...just okay. I want to see it go down.

* A boy called me vivacious today. I think I’m gonna keep that one (the adjective, not the boy) in my back pocket for a while.

It's these little things. These little things peppered throughout the day that I need to pay attention to, to focus on. I'm all about the baby steps right now. No, I haven't made it into the gym yet. But I will, I'm letting myself get there when I get there. I know I'm headed there and that's enough for me, I'm being careful and slow and deliberate to ease myself back into being here and truly taking care of myself.

It really does take a lot of effort and time and I want to get it right. That's the health stuff but it's also the boy stuff. (and not even with the one that called me vivacious....what a tangled web I weave...)

There's an ongoing...something...happening and I'm working up the courage to broach the "tell me how you feel about me" conversation, and that is HUGE for me. Something like that takes a lot of self-respect and self-worth and you all reading this know on which side of that line I often stand. Especially because I think in my gut it won't be what I want to hear (I want this to be something meaningful) but I'm going to do my best to keep my mind and my ears open but still not accept less than what I deserve. And then of course, actually follow through on what I said and not chicken out. I am REALLY good at chickening out!

So there's that.

(How often do I tag food, dating, emotions, and thought? That is my LIFE right now!)

05 November 2010

holy crap, i'm alive!

I actually wanted to post a full post earlier today, and my plan was to get into work early and do it there (hi, I'm a good employee!) but then...dc traffic ruins everything. Anyhoodle, here's what I really want to say, that's been on my mind.

I am constantly saying things. Constantly. And I'm feeling like I never actually follow through on what I say.

"I'm going to blog more"
"I need to get back into the gym"
"I'm going to start blogging again"
"I need to just...keep cool and see how it goes"
"I need to just suck it up and be a good friend"
"I need to let him make the next move, let HIM contact ME"

Rarely do I feel like I follow through on these things anymore. I chicken out - I choose selfishness over giving. I choose giving into insecurity and self-loathing and worst-case scenario (with a dash of soap-opera level theatrics) over rational thought. I choose someone else's value (or perceived/projected value) of me over my own.

(Also, can I ask a very real question? How can I be so narcissistic and simultaneously self-loathing? I'm self-centered and yet, really don't like myself in so many ways. One...that's no way to live. But two...how is that even possible?)

I really...want to be better at this. And I don't want it to be just another thing that I say....I hope it isn't.

Hi, I missed you guys. I hope you might read this, if you ever stop by. I haven't even checked my statreader to see if anyone does... I hope you are doing well. I'm okay, if you're wondering. It's late, and I haven't gotten much sleep the past couple of days, today was an emotionally draining day and I am running on empty - so the melodramatics are admittedly a little high right now. (And I've also been PMS Smurf for the past two weeks) but...I wanted to just express myself to a group I've neglected and who knows a lot of what I'm going through.

Hopefully more soon. On dating. On me. On my trip to the Bay Area and The Family and The Matriarch. Maybe a little on work, but I'm very anti-talking-about-work-on-the-internet, so....maybe not too much of that.

01 August 2010

Please excuse the stream of consciousness below...

So here's the thing.

Actually - first - let me say upfront that I'm at 214. Weighed myself the other day. I'm not exactly happy about it, but I know it could be worse, and I seem to be maintaining well. So I'm holding on that for now to say a few more things.

You all know my history with The Family - The Matriarch - who is my godmother who does a really good job at reinforcing my abysmal-to-non-existent self esteem. So my parents and I are going out there at the end of September to surprise her for her 65th birthday.

I was looking forward to it for about a week, and then the dread set in.

More insecurity. More feeling like my worth is based on my pants size. More comments about "brownies are for big fat girls" (she made that comment last year, thank god the comment wasn't directed at me, but those kind of things stick with you)

***

You all know I *FINALLY* got a job in my chosen field back in May. I've been there almost 3 months now, and it's going really well. I feel like I fit in, and the work is challenging but interesting. I truly feel like I am where I am supposed to be. (Don't get me wrong: I am there on weekends sometimes, working from 7am to 8:30pm on some days; it's demanding, but there is at least a decent sense of satisfaction to be had)

One of my coworkers, who you would consider my Office BFF, is a large-and-in-charge woman. She's my age, about 3 inches taller than me, but weighs well into the 300s, I'd wager. She's had severe asthma her whole life, so I suspect the inability to play and move around as a kid turned into a vicious cycle into her adulthood. Anyway, this woman has the healthiest body image of anyone I have ever met. She loves herself unabashedly and wholeheartedly. She acknowledges and appreciates every inch of her body.


***

I'm being 100% honest, I cannot wrap my mind around it. And I feel like it makes me a terrible person, and whether it's right or wrong, it makes me feel like I'm a victim of the poor self-images of many of the women in my life. My godmother, my grandmother when she was alive, even my mother a lot of the time are the big culprits here, but a lot of my girlfriends are not without the negative side comments about themselves for not weighing less or wearing a smaller size.

Over my 27 years on this planet, I've just adopted the noise. I've assumed they're right and spent my time hating my body at all its sizes.

So from this point on, I'm going to focus on loving myself. I'm not going to get anywhere until I actually genuinely care about myself, and learn to appreciate the body that I have. I'm living on my own now (or, with 2 roommates, but out of the parents house finally. It's going great, by the way!) and it's time for me to define my own outlooks on, well, just about everything.

Now, that doesn't mean I'm giving myself license to eat whatever I want, or be lazy, but, I'm not going to focus at all on that - I need to focus on my heart, on my emotional body. I know, I'm rolling my eyes a little bit too. But I'm sick of feeling this dread and shame when I go to visit my godmother. And my mother too, but she just doesn't talk about it as much as my godmother does.

Also, I don't think that my godmother's birthday party weekend is the right time to have a conversation about it, but I'm entertaining the idea that at some point, I might have to have this conversation with her about how she makes me feel.

I'm 99% sure she is projecting her own negative body images onto me. And you know what? I just don't need that shit, plain and simple. I'm sick of it. And I know she's not entirely to blame - I'm letting myself feel that way, and that's where I want the change to happen. I need to build up my own self-image. My godmother's lack of healthy body-image shouldn't be my problem, and I want to be strong enough so that I don't internalize it.

I have no idea how I'm actually going to do any of this, but I just know that I need to start loving myself. No more 100in12, no more numbers (okay, maybe numbers here and there - I want to feel better about myself but I also don't deserve to have my hard work destroyed) (Plus I've been itching to change the design of this blog and now I have a good reason to do it!)

I want to start writing again - because I think it's good for me, and it'll help work out the crazy, I think. So I just need to find a way to a path that combines loving myself with taking care of myself and my health. I haven't the slightest idea as to how that's going to go (probably not smoothly?) but, I just wanted to throw that out there.

That's the new project. Taking care of and learning to love myself.

07 June 2010

Fitness Consult and other recent shenanigans

(Buckle up. Lots of words in this one.)

Hi! Finally had my Fitness Consult - the free one you get for signing up.

It...wasn't great, but also wasn't as bad as I thought. My stats:

Weight: 210
Body Fat %: 40! (um, yikes? but to be honest with you, I seriously thought it would be 50 or more. Not even joking. So, I know it's not good and the trainer told me as much [Um, guy, I KNOW. No need to shame me into anything - that's why I'm here!] but...yay for small, relative victories?)

I did two planks each for 20 seconds.
I did 6 pull ups (WAIT FOR IT - with about half my weight supported. HA! This cracks me up. I am curious to see how this changes if I keep at it)
I did 6 modified push ups using the bosu stability ball.

He had me do 10 minutes on the stairclimber then these other random step up balance things for my legs.

Basically, the diagnosis other than "FOR SHAME" is legs = decent, core + arms = awful. I pretty much knew that already.

So at some point this week he's going to email me with a workout plan for me to follow for about a month or so. 2 days cardio and 1 day cardio/strength. I'm gonna start with that and work my way up to...something.

I guess I'm excited. It's been a long day today (I left my house at 7am and I'm just now getting home at 9pm) so my enthusiasm has drained...but it was very much there until about 20 minutes ago!

In other REALLY EXCITING NEWS, I'm moving out the first weekend in July!!!!! Remember in my last post I mentioned that one I saw that I loved? Well that very one will be mine!! I'll have 2 roommates - who are awesome, and I think we already click. We're getting together tomorrow night after work to kind of celebrate my future-roommate-status, I think. I can't wait!

My commute will be cut in half in both time and expense (though I'm adding rent, but...it's the principle of the thing!) and there is a gym in the building, in addition to another branch of my new gym right nearby. 

I cannot wait to move and be on my own. Is it a little scary? Yes. It is long overdue? You bet it is. So I am pumped.

Another fun thing is that starting mid-July, I'm signing up for a bocce ball league with a friend of mine - he works at the place I was temping and we've kept in touch. His friends have a team and invited me to join - so I'm doing it! I think the best part about this is that I will already be living in Alexandria, so I never have to make my "Here Are the Reasons I Live at Home" speech again. That will be so nice. So relieving.

I'm looking forward to my social circle expanding. I know I'm not the svelte shape I want to be, but my confidence is still growing. I'll meet new people. Live in a new place. My job is still very much new and probably will feel that way for about a year or so. I'm good with new, I thrive on new. I'm so excited about what I can accomplish the rest of this year. Maybe landing a man will happen, maybe it won't. I'm okay with it either way.

Oh, speaking of which, can I just...talk something out? I don't want to insult anyone by telling the story I'm about to tell, but...it made me uncomfortable and maybe I need some alternate perspectives here.

So I was on the phone with my best friend, who recently found out that I had been doing EHarmony. Now, she is the type of gal that since high school has literally never been single for more than 2 weeks. Not even exaggerating. So "love" is very much important to her, because she's always had it. She's been after another friend of ours to start dating for a few years now, and even so far as saying she was going to buy her an online dating subscription for Christmas a year or two ago. She didn't end up doing it, but I always found that a little...inappropriately aggressive?

So anyway, when she and I were talking on the phone, she was like "I'm so proud of you, that's so great. I'm going to pray for you." and then to be honest, I don't remember what the rest of the conversation was.

Now, here's where you might get mad at me, for my ignorance and narrow-mindedness. So I apologize in advance. But when I hear that someone is going to pray for me, I take it as...I need to be prayed for, if that makes sense. Like...I'll pray for you to find a man. Because you need one to be fulfilled as a person.

I mean...I said thank you to her, but I..didn't quite know how else to react. I think I might have taken offense to it, actually. And I don't really take offense to a lot of things.

I guess...I mean...when I was looking for jobs, some friends and family (and maybe even some of you might have?) said that you were going to pray for me. And I thought nothing of it, other than, "that's really nice of them" - because it was something I desperately needed.

Is praying for someone reserved for dire circumstances? I don't pray often but when I do, it's when I feel someone really truly needs it. Like...they've got a problem that needs fixing. Maybe I'm just projecting because I subconsciously also think it's a problem and don't want someone else seeing it to?

But do I really, truly need a man? No. I very badly want a man, sure, but I am a complete, whole person without one. So...do you really need to pray for me?

Is anyone following my train of thought here? I mean, I understand my friend was being nice, and she loves me and cares about me..it just...bugged me.

If you have a dissenting opinion, please explain this to me! I don't mean to make waves, I just want to understand a little more.

29 May 2010

The one in which I try to make up for my absence with semi-interesting pictures

HI.

Well, a whole month without blogging, what have I been up to?

*WORKING. My new job is great. I'm admittedly still in the honeymoon phase, but the people are great, there is SO much potential for me to really step up my game and achieve a lot professionally, and it's in an awesome area of the city and I love going there everyday.

*TURNING 27: This past Thursday (the 27th!) was my birthday! I am now 27. This is MY YEAR, people. It's been officially declared. So I've got a lot to accomplish, and you bet your ass losing weight is one of those things.

*TRYING TO MOVE. I've been looking for apartments (rooms, really) to move into. I've been looking mostly in Virginia, as I do not want to step foot inside a DMV during this process - not to mention all the money it would cost to switch over tags and what not. No thank you.

Moving is really like interviewing all over again. I'm using Craigslist, so the good/legit ads have a lot of competition. I've gotten "turned down" for one place, and I saw 2 rooms this week and they should be making a decision soon. I really sort of fell in love with one, and I hope I get it, but we'll see.

(I also put feelers out to my friends about moving out and being a potential roommate, but no one has responded...I don't think I know anyone that is in that point in their life)

The good news about moving is that I'm not at all stressed about it. It's okay if I let myself be hopeful, because the entire world isn't riding on me finding a place. Granted, it's important, but I'm in no rush. And that's a nice position to be in.

*NEW GYM. I did it - I signed up for another gym. It sucks that I'm carrying two right now - I can't quit my other one until September when my contract is up. But I hadn't been in weeks and I just hated that it didn't have enough to offer. So I joined one that is about 2 blocks from my office - and has locations in my current town, and like 5 more all in the areas where I am looking to move. So I've got my bases covered there.

Have I been going? YES. Haha, a couple of times. I still need to set up an appointment to be "shown" the gym, and they give you a free fitness consultation and all of that and show you the weights - so I've only been on cardio so far, but it's good. They also have a nice locker room and tons of showers that are clean and nice, and it's a good deal. I'm actually paying 2 dollars LESS for this gym than my old one!

*EATING. Eating has been a mixed bag. I'm pretty good during the day, breakfast and lunch and snacks are all the normal, healthy things I've been eating. Dinner is the problem. I come home and I'm tired, and I don't have the strength a lot of days to fight the urge to eat a hot dog (fine, TWO) or make a sandwich with a gigantic pile of chips, etc etc. I never win that battle, and I need to figure out a way so that I can.

In terms of weight gain, as of this past Wednesday I was at 208. To tell you the truth, I'm not all that upset. Do I want it to continue going up? Not at all, in fact, if you can believe it, I want it to go back down. But I can only balance so much. I'm giving my eating attention, don't get me wrong, but not my full attention.

HAVING FUN! I've been hanging out with my friends, going to baseball games, being touristy in my own city, all good stuff. And a lot of fun stuff planned this summer, too. Concerts, drinks with friends, Screen on the Green, Jazz in the Sculpture Garden (these last two both being very fun DC Young Professional-type things), one and maaaybe two beach trips - this is going to be a great summer.

***

So basically I still care about losing weight and getting healthy - it's just about 3rd or 4th on the list of things I am working on. The whole 100in12 thing isn't going to happen, and I guess on one hand it's disappointing that it won't happen, but if I can accomplish a shitload of things in the meantime then, we're doing allright.

I'll try and blog more. This one was mostly out of guilt that I hadn't been here in so long, and some of you were concerned. I'll tell you this - I definitely don't want to give up completely. This blog is SUCH a source of happiness for me, regardless of my attendance within the past month. It has been such a crucial tool for my success thus far and I won't give it up. But it's just not my main focus. But I'll try and do better. I hope that now that I'm identifying my lack of complete attention and effort in my weight loss areas...I'll at least care a little more. Admitting the problem is the first step, right?

Can I make up for my poor attendance here with pictures?!

First day of work outfit!



Haha, two of my friends and I pondering a map, being tourists.


The lunch I had the other day! Whole wheat naan, baby carrots, turkey, and Trader Joe's Roasted Red Pepper Hummus.


The view from the Nationals Stadium! If you ignore that scaffolding, there's an awesome view of the Capitol.

28 April 2010

Tidbits to add to my screaming and shouting

*Finally got to bold/complete another goal on the side! And I went ahead and changed/broke up the Onederland/live at home by May thing. I know I won't get hit Onederland this coming Monday, but I will definitely hit it IN May, you can count on that! I've been maintaining most of April and I need to kick it into high gear! Mostly concerning exercise, I need to get back into it for realsies!

Especially because....I am in no way joking about that "throw myself a party" reward. I'm already planning it for memorial day weekend, haha! It just so happens that's also my birthday weekend, and my Golden Birthday! I'm turning 27 on the 27th this year. For the past few years I haven't really cared about my birthday, but this year...things are different. I deserve a damn party after these last 16 months, and to show off the work I've done since September! I'm treating myself to an indulgent afternoon with my friends and family, hanging out in (hopefully some) sunshine and grilling and enjoying the life that I've worked hard to finally get!

*I would like to take a moment to thank you guys for all of your support, for letting me bitch and complain about not having a job, for giving me a kick in the pants (Nic I love you for it!) when I needed it, and for helping me choose outfits, and all that good stuff. I love having this freaking blog and I know it's been devoid of health and food stuff lately, but rest assured there is going to be a return to that now that I've got this whole job sitch handled! Plus with working towards Onederland and beyond, I'm gonna need to revamp my efforts and I absolutely include blogging (and COMMENTING, geez, Lazy McSelfish over here) in that.

*Also, (basically...Steve I'm looking at you) does anyone have any recommendations for me on fun stuff to do in Annapolis, MD? My friend and I are taking a day trip there on Saturday just for fun, and we need things to do! We've already got our restaurant picked out, but we need other fun (and hopefully cheap/free!) things to do and explore during the day. Comment or email me! (100in12@gmail.com)

*Look at the dinner my friends and I made last night! The chicken and the sweet potato fries came from this cookbook and everything turned out amazingly. And that corn on the cob was perfectly steamed, ifidosaysomyselfandido :-)

27 April 2010

that far off screaming and crying you heard was me

Guys? If you haven't already seen my twitter feed....I was offered a job today.

If you're unfamiliar with my plight, I have been unemployed for 16 months after earning my masters degree in Arts Management. And today I was offered (and accepted) a job with a really great arts nonprofit here in D.C.

Today is magical.

I am going to head to my friends' apartment (to and from which I already have a ride arranged because you can bet your ass there will be drinking tonight) and watch Glee and revel in the fact that

I

finally

did it.

26 April 2010

Highweigh to Hell

(While I do love AC/DC, this is the Glee Cast version! I have, of course, been listening to the newest Glee songs nonstop. HOW FUN was the Madonna episode. PS Like a Prayer is my favorite Madge song and I was so happy they sang it. Loved their version.)

Weight this AM:

204.6!

A nice 3 pound loss from last week. Hooray! I’d say I earned it. Lots of water, a leeetle more exercise, healthy food choices, no booze, all that good stuff.

I don’t think I’ll be able to pull off 4.6 pounds before next week’s May weigh-in, which is fine. I know I’ll be close and I know I’ll hit Onderland IN May. So that’ll be good. I just need to keep trying and keep making good decisions and exercising and the numbers and pants sizes will follow.

And now, I write about my emotions, far too early on a Monday morning.

This isn’t an unheard of topic, but, it’s something on my mind now that I’m nearing Onederland: fear of success. Many of you/us talk about the fear of what happens next, after we reach a big goal or inch closer towards it every day. Being large is a safety net – we can say “I would do this but I’m too big” or “The fact that I’m this size is keeping me from doing *insert activity or whatever here*” but…when that’s taken away, we don’t have any more excuses. Will I get less funny the thinner I get? Will dating really be that much easier? Will I have the courage to try new things, when it’s more likely a fear of failure or looking stupid, rather than a fear of being fat that is keeping me from doing them?

Anyway, I’m bringing these things up to sort of…prepare myself? To put it out there so I don’t fall into these traps.

*
During SWL1 (Successful Weight Loss 1.0 – from 2007 to July of 2009 I lost 65 pounds) I got down to 197 in August of 08. I felt so great and I wrote in my journal at the time “I am NEVER going back to above 200!” and what did I do a few weeks later? You guessed it. The scale went up and KEPT going up until July of 09.

Now, there was a LOT that was going on in my life that affected me emotionally and I let it completely crush any motivation I had. I had lost the weight that put me under 200 while I was in London. I was living my dream. Working for an arts organization, in London, not living with my parents, I was just. me. I have never been happier than in those two months. And a ton of weight came off. I was eating well and walking everywhere. Even when the tube was available and we were given our transportation stipend…I walked. Just to do it. God I loved it.

Anyway, so I come back home, rode the London high for about a week, and then stopped eating well and exercising. I was so depressed to be back home. To be a dependent. To be still so closely tied to my parents, knowing full well that I should have been out on my own by then. There were additional issues happening then too that greatly contributed to my lack of emotional health, but this was a big factor. Sigh. And the weight slowly crept up, and then it shot up in Jan-July of 09.

I had the opportunity to look at things positively – to capitalize on my time in London and keep it going, even though I didn’t like the circumstances I was returning to. It’s not like they weren’t the same ones that I was living in two months prior before I left. I’m no psychologist, but maybe I let myself get bogged down in my emotions (I’m cutting myself a little slack because at that point, and definitely from Jan-July 09, I think my depression was pretty, uh, robust) and allowed myself to gain weight – some part of me was afraid of weighing less and less.

*

I haven’t weighed under 200 in maybe 7 or 8 years? I’m a little scared of the responsibility that comes with it, to be honest. The second half of my journey (the next 50 pounds) is harder – it’s harder to lose weight the smaller you get, and I’m afraid of the struggle. I’m afraid of how much harder I’m going to have to work and I’m scared of not being able to do it.

So I’m coming up on Onederland…and I find out this week or next whether or not I got that job. If I get it, it means I can make plans to move out. Now, the interview went well and (I looked snazzy thanks to you all, by the by. I went with the jacket and the coral top. Thank you for all your input! The coral was the one I had in my mind to begin with and I’m glad the majority vote was with me!) there is nothing I could have done better. But if I don’t get it…I have no other prospects on the horizon.

I just don’t want any potentially disappointing news to trigger anything – to then allow myself to be sent into a tailspin that involves reintroducing my hidden food stash under my bed, being anti-social and generally snarl-y.

Bleh. But that’s just something I wanted to get out. What I can do right now is just be mindful this week and make good choices. (and BLOG MORE, geeeeez!)

22 April 2010

Help! Part Deux

Okay all your fashion-forward people! I need your help again.

I have an interview on Friday – I have the jacket and the pants, but I don’t know what color shirt to wear underneath. I have a few options – weigh in below, or feel free to suggest a different color that you think might work! I have a cami/tank top problem and I’m open to enabling :-D

Sorry for the lack of consistency in angles/lighting. It’s 6:30 in the morning, I’m not exactly Annie Leibovitz.

The jacket is white with a black stripe, and I’ll be wearing basic black dress pants with it (not my pajama pants, as the pictures may suggest!)

So with that in mind, we have:

Coral:




Light Purple:




Baby pink:




Hot pink:




Choose away! And feel free to suggest something completely different, I’m open to write-ins! (I tied with “Bart Simpson” and “School Sucks” – name that quote!)

The other good part about all of this? That jacket is a 16. It’s from Lane Bryant so it might run a little large, but it’s a 16! And the craziest part is that I had no idea until I looked this AM – I honest to goodness thought it was an 18 when I bought it. So NSV! Yay! But…apparently my eyes are going bad? I didn’t look closely enough at the label. But what a fun mistake to make!

19 April 2010

Walk This Weigh

Gotta make it quick!

Scale results: same as last week!

207.6

I'm...okay with it, and not okay with it. Sometimes I have a couple of weeks of maintenance like this, and I like to think it's the universe's way of giving me a break while I reassess. And by reassess I mean...eat out, have a few beers, and not really exercise. Though the last week as a whole, I ate healthy things, just MORE of them than I probably should have.

(except for last night when I was watching The Hurt Locker. I ate like 3 servings of chocolate cheerios...followed by a roll of fruit mentos...followed by a chocolate peppermint stick luna bar. Writing all that out now is....kind of gross. Anxiety eating? Not out of the question during that movie!)

So I think it's good to give myself a bit of a break but be able to maintain/not gain, but it's not good when I remember that I have, you know, goals and stuff.

I've got two weeks to get to Onederland, if I want the "weigh in the 100s by May" thing to happen...which I do. I could slack off and say "Well, as long as I get there at some point in May" but I don't want to do that. So I'm gonna work hard to eat right and get back in the gym. And if I don't get into Onederland, then at least I can be proud for trying.

I put my money where my mouth is this morning! Got my butt to the gym. Granted, because of gym-hours and time constraints I only got about a 24 minute workout, but I worked hard. I did the elliptical on hill-climb (I'm not ashamed to admit I do the ones designed for a great ass. I want one.) for 14 minutes and then did the treadmill for 10:30. On the treadmill I did a minute or so of walking, then a minute or so of running (at 6mph! that is a lot for me!) and then repeat. At one point I even did 2 minutes at 6mph! And my last rotation I did a minute and a half at 6.2mph.

One other thought: as much as I've tried to like it...I just don't really care for almond butter. Its peanut cousin has exclusive rights to my heart.

12 April 2010

well I just did not see that coming...updates and scattered thoughts! (aren't all my posts like that, though, really? :-)

Sorry, my lovelies, that I didn't have time to post this AM. Decided to sleep instead :-) Did you know I have the sleep tendencies of most infants? It's true. I just. love. sleep. Can't get enough.

So this morning I was:

207.6!

Only .4 of a gain after the week I had? I'll TAKE it! A nice lucky break to start the day, and it only continued....

I walked into work to...utter chaos. Everyone saw me and comes RUSHING over in a frenzy about it being my last day (nobody knew until the email I sent out on Friday, informing them as much) and they essentially petitioned the office manager to keep me on through mid-May!

So I've got another month of work! (and a need to sit down and figure out when and how I can motivate myself to the gym. Need to try the whole AM thing again, it was really great for that one week!)

Though I did get a little bit of exercise in today! I took a nice long walk during my lunch break. It was a fairly brisk walk, maybe medium brisk? DC Geography Time! My office is at 21st and L, and I walked over to 17th and then down to the mall...over to 18th and back up and over to my office. I traced it on MapMyRun and it said it was almost 2.5 miles! It was beautiful and warm and sunny out today, I really enjoyed getting that Vitamin D!

***

Even though we are clearly poor bloggers for not taking a picture, Becca, Megan and I met up for lunch this Saturday! I had so much fun. We went to a thai place in Old Town Alexandria that is right on the water. Beautiful views and tasty food! I got a veggie tofu thing that I dominated. Yum! Becca and I have met once before but it was great to finally meet Megan. She's the gem that coined Kat and I as Bert and Ernie, so she's clearly very important!

***

I might go to Richmond AGAIN this weekend. I went about three weeks ago, and then two weeks before that. Apparently I can't get enough!

***

I am picking up my friend at the airport this Friday. I love picking people up at airports. I actually just love airports, period. I know, it's weird. I think I've mentioned this before. It's like the beginning of Love Actually, when they show all the people reuniting...that's my fave. I have so many vivid memories of reuniting with people at airports, and I love to watch other people experience it too. ...I choose to ignore the people that are leaving/separating, because it's sad and pokes a hole in my theory. That's the secret to living - just ignore the stuff that doesn't agree with you, right?

***

THIS:



Awesome.

11 April 2010

what goes up...aka bullet point thoughts

  • I am totes mcgotes not going to lose weight this week. Only worked out once - Tuesday - and I've been eating whatever I want, which has included beer, chinese food, more beer, WAY too much peanut butter, cookies...and some more beer and generally too much food. So...just to prepare you (and myself) for tomorrow morning. There might even be a pound or two gain. Oops.
  • My last day of temping is tomorrow! I'm sad the money stream will be ending, but there's a silver lining of having my afternoons back for a little while to rededicate myself to the gym.
  • My EHarmony subscription runs out on Thursday. I "pursued" like 4 guys today, just as a last-ditch effort. One of them actually responded. Hopefully we make it til Thursday. We'll see what happens.
  • In other EH news, Sam and I are still buds! We hung out last Monday (that was the chinese food and beer) and last night too. It's been fun. And the more I hang out with him, the more I realize that I would really not want a relationship with him. So it really worked out for the best. But he's a ball of energy and sarcasm and I like both of those things.
  • My parents make their triumphant return in about 30-60 minutes! I'm actually looking forward to seeing them (AND MY DOGGIE*!!!!!) but...I am afraid this feeling will not last very long. I'm projecting about 15 minutes. Seriously.
So it just seems like...all of the things that I've been doing these past four months are coming to an end at the same time - working, EHarmony, having freedom...they're evaporating before my eyes.

What needs to happen next is that I make my life my bitch and get it all back on my own terms. For realsies.

*

I get to see this guy really soon!

06 April 2010

ha!

Got this from Kat of Kat Does Diets - you can check your most tweeted words - of COURSE mine is LowFatKat. :-)

Sorry if the quality of this is terrible, I had to take a screencap b/c I couldn't figure out how to get it on the blog through linking or sharing or whatever. I....am......not technologically inclined sometimes.

05 April 2010

Weighting for Guffman

Any Christopher Guest fans? This is Spinal Tap, For Your Consideration, Best in Show...all classics.

I have to drag myself to work today (I've already considered calling out 4 times this morning...) so I'll make this quick so I'm not sitting around any longer!

I'm at:

207.2

That's a 1.6 loss from last week! Not bad considering I only exercised twice - last Monday and yesterday :-P. Oops?

I obviously didn't reach my April goal of 201.8, but I'm getting closer! For the last two months I've lost about 9 pounds a month - that will get me into Onederland by next month if I keep it up - that's what I'm really concerned with! Though I wouldn't mind getting those monthly goals back on track...but I'm narrowing the gap!

04 April 2010

My Easter Sunday and the latest EH shenanigans

Happy Easter everyone! (or Happy Regular Sunday, for those that don't celebrate Easter!)

My Easter has been great! I celebrated the end of Lent (Sweets 'N Jobs was a success!) by having a Deep Chocolate VitaTop with a tbsp of White Chocolate Wonderful PB&Co peanut butter on top. It was so good! Though The Bees Knees is still the best PB&Co flavor by far, in my opinion. It makes my heart sing.

I also had my Chocolate Peppermint Stick Luna Bar. SO. GOOD. I'm obsessed with mint and chocolate combinations and this did not disappoint. I especially liked the little red peppermint flecks in the iced part on the bottom. So festive and delicious. I can easily see myself keeping a kitchen stocked with Lemon Zest and Chocolate Peppermint Luna Bars. I'm in love.

Talked to my parents today too. They come home a week from today. I will spend this week mentally and emotionally preparing for their return.

AND I finally made spaghetti squash! It was so much easier than I thought. I'm about to make some ground turkey and mix it in with the squash and maybe throw in some marinara sauce. Should be delish!

Below is the story of that EHarmony Guy. Third time was not so much the charm in this case, but that's okay. My subscription ends on April 14th and I'll be content with that. For now!

Oh, before I get to the story, I have to tell you that I got myself to the track today! 3 miles with intervals of running and walking. I did 2 running laps, then alternated walking and running laps until I got to 3 miles, or 12 laps. Good times! And it was nice and sunny out so I think I got a little color, so my skin isn't quite the lovely shade of transparent that it was before.

So, here's the boring and fairly uneventful yet character building story of Sam:

We had been talking all week (gchat) and it was so fun and he made me laugh and I was really comfortable with him, and we clicked. We went out for a drink and dinner this past Wednesday. We had a good time, I think, but it ended with him awkwardly saying, “So, I guess…I’ll be, uh, chatting with you tomorrow!” or something like that. As he turned to walk to his car he had a look on his face that…I don’t know how to describe it, but I think I knew he wasn’t interested. It wasn’t so much a “thank god that’s over” look, but it was something like it.

I was sort of sad. I liked him enough that I wanted to hang out more. There were things about him that I didn’t like, too, but I was willing to overlook them because he made me laugh and was adorable when he smiled. Like he’s kind of a tough guy but then his face softens when he genuinely smiles, it was so cute.

Thursday, the next day, we didn’t talk at all. So I pretty much knew. I wanted him to talk to me first, though. And…he didn’t. So Friday morning I got impatient and reached out to him, we had an awkward small-talk conversation that was NOT at all like our usual stuff. So I went out to lunch, and left him with this message: “so…I'm going outside for lunch. Should be epic. Anyway, if you get bored anytime soon and want to hang out, give me a call, I'd be up for it. If you're not, no worries. I don't want to bug you if wednesday was it for you - I've been on the other side and it's…a weird dynamic. You can let me know either way, it’s cool I promise :-)”

I gave him the option of going out easy, giving me the obvious answer and not having to say it while I was there – but he waited until I got back. Which, is actually nice, I think? Anyway, he said he wasn’t interested in a relationship. He actually said relationship, which I thought was funny considering I only said “if you want to hang out again” but I suppose that’s where it ultimately would have gone anyway.

But he surprised me by saying that he really liked me, that I was fun and great and he would never say no to a new friend; he liked talking to me. And the thing is, with him, I believe it. He’s honest and upfront, which made the whole “I don’t like you like that” much easier, I think. He wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it. So he says “These conversations can be really awkward but I’m glad we’re cool” and then we went on chatting for the rest of the day like normal, it was right back to the witty banter kind of stuff we had been doing all week. Which made me really happy.

So, I don’t really know if and how long this “friendship” thing will last, but I actually hope it does. He’s really fun and we have so much in common, I can see him as a guy friend whose honest opinion I can rely on if I needed advice, and that’s rare. So that's that. All in all I think for "not working out" it worked out pretty well.

Am I disappointed there’s no romance? Sort of – maybe 25% disappointed that it’s not with him, and 75% disappointed in that another dating situation didn’t work out. I think if that’s the kind of rejection I’m dealing with, then I’m doing pretty well.

It doesn’t take a lot for me to think that I’m not good enough, but I don’t really feel that way this time. No one said anything about physical characteristics, and I’m jumping to conclusions by thinking that’s what his “problem” with me is, but…even if it is, I’m okay with it. Especially if we stay friends and I get super hot and get to throw it in his face. Because I’m a rational woman that is in no way petty.

03 April 2010

Random Thoughts (that I wish I had come up with...)

Hi! I'm still here! I feel like I've been saying that a lot lately. But things are good - I've been incommunicado whilst talking to that EHarmony gentleman I mentioned a few posts ago - it's sort of over, at least "romantically". I'll get that story to you soon.

In the meantime, my friend had this on her blog, and it's made the rounds on the intertubez, but it is so hilarious and you should read it if you haven't.

"Random Thoughts of 25-35 year olds:

- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

- I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

- Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

- That's enough, Nickelback.

- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

- Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

- Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

- Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

- I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

- How the in the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

- I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

- The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty.

- Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

- If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

- When I meet a new person, I'm terrified of mentioning something they haven’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

- Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

- Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

- It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

- I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dangit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?"

29 March 2010

Weighting for My Rocket to Come (colon, did you see what I did there)

I am really, really surprised at this morning’s number. After all my hard work this week, getting back into the gym at ridiculously early hours, and mindful and healthy eating…I just never…I really wanted to clear the 50 pound loss mark – I’ll say it, I sort of had my heart set on it.

So when I stepped on the scale and saw

208.8

Oh, did you not see that? Let me be a little louder, I’ll try not to wake the neighbors:

208.8

Ha! See what I did there? You thought I was headed straight to GainTown and I took a sharp left at ILostALOTville. Anyway, I am really surprised! As I said, I really was hoping for 210 so I could proudly say I cleared the 50 pound mark, it never occurred to me that I could PASS it!

(This does, also, also reinforce my beliefs that I did not weigh 215 last week – I indeed weighed myself over the next couple of days after last Monday’s weigh in, after my water consumption and eating leveled off and I was closer to 212/213, which makes a lot more sense for this week’s loss. I don’t know if I’d be happy if I lost 6.8 in one week – I’d be concerned b/c I don’t think I should really be losing that much. So the actual loss from last week is probably something like 4.2 or 3.2. Still a big number but a safe big number!)

So let’s talk goals. First of all, I can proudly say as of this morning, I have lost 51.8 pounds. I’m halfway there…

According to my monthly tracking: There’s no good way I can get down to 201.8 by next Monday (first week in April, I’m stretching out March…:-P) but I am definitely going to get as close as I can! In February, I was 7 pounds over my goal, in March I was 6 pounds over…so I just want to close that gap as much as I can so that 1: I can get down inte Onederland by/in May, and 2: start changing those blacks to greens instead of black to reds!

My other sidebar goals: since I say Onederland/Move out of home by May…I’m pretty sure I can only realistically accomplish one of them, and it doesn’t involve moving boxes. (Unless you count packing up some old clothes and emotional baggage, HIIYOOOOOOOO) So it’s really important to me to get the weight half, because I don’t want to set it and then not get it. I’m not Ron Popile.*

But it’s all one day at a time. I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I’m really guilty of the “If I keep going like this, I’ll lose this many more pounds by this day and THEN I’ll REALLY show ‘em!” There are so many things wrong with that statement. So I’m just going to focus in on the now, and be really happy that I came back from my fairly deep slump in January. There are a lot of things that still aren’t going my way (hello, I need a permanent, full time job. PLEASE!) so I need to appreciate the things that are going well, and just keep working. For example, I’m sitting here in my gym clothes and after I hit Publish, I’m gonna run downstairs, grab some breakfast, pack my lunch and my snacks and then head out to sweat a little bit.

*I love you if you can connect the dots of my thoughts on this one – Ron Popile, the informercial guy? Inventor of the Set It And Forget It? See what I did there, with the goals? Haha. Also, we have a Set It and Forget It, and it comes with an instructional video that tells you, explicitly, to not set it and forget it. Because they assume that you will probably do it wrong and if you forget it, you’ll burn your house down. Seriously. ...I love infomercials. What fun infomercial stuff do you have?

27 March 2010

Aw, I don't have a good post title. For shame, self.

Hello my loves!

Hope you’re doing well this fine Saturday morning (or afternoon, or evening, or whenever you are depending on your location)

I am beyond happy it’s Saturday. Had a stressful week at work, I definitely need a few days off to recharge. Plus I’ve been sick since Monday, but choosing to ignore it as much as possible. But I can’t ignore a sore-throat and maybe a bit of a fever away, unfortunately. Meh. Oh well, it didn’t stop me from anything this week!

So I said I went to the gym Wednesday morning, right? Well guess who had two thumbs and did it again Thursday morning!?!!?



Yep. (Please don't judge the room...I know, it's such a mess. And yes, there's a teddy bear back there. It's from Harrod's! That's a legit reason for keeping it, right??)

I even got up and got there Friday morning, but I forgot that my gym doesn’t open until 8 on Fridays. GRR! Oh also, I think I might have found a gym I might want to switch to – Fitness First. They have locations in DC, Arlington, Alexandria, my town, and a few others, so I feel like I can still go there no matter where I end up living or working, and they’re also open at 5am everyday, AND open on Sundays, which my gym is not. And I think they’re around the same cost as mine.

Now I’m just dragging my heels on actually going in to my current gym to quit it, b/c I feel like I hear so many stories about extra fees and all this crap gyms tack on to scare you out of leaving…ugh. I’ll probably wait on this a few weeks until I can work up the courage :-P

*In other news, I got some bananas yeserday, and LOOK:




Are any of you familiar with the Wii game SuperMonkeyBall? My friends and I are kind of obsessed with it, we always play when we’re all together (usually at the holidays). I saw/bought these yesterday at Trader Joe’s…and I literally called like four of my friends to tell them about it.

…I called my friends on a Friday night to tell them about bananas I had purchased. YEP.

Speaking of food, my eating has been really really good! Lots of good food happening over here: greek yogurt, fruit, vitatops, turkey breast sandwiches with hummus, spinach and alfalfa sprouts, Luna Bars (I would seriously do terrible things to mankind to keep my supply of Lemon Zest Luna Bars up), cottage cheese, almond milk, veggies, and of course Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Masala and Paneer Tikka Masala. I don't know if you'd consider those last two healthy, but they are just seriously so. fucking. good. That's right, so good I have to curse. That good.

*You should go over to Low Fat Kat and read this most recent post of hers, it’s about men and chocolate! We were talking about it yesterday (in that it was *her* idea and she was telling me about it - I'm not that smart) and it’s a really good post. So go see it. We may or may not have gchatted for like 4 hours yesterday. Why can’t she be a dude and I can date her?! We haven’t met in real life, but when we do, it’ll look something like this:

24 March 2010

Additions to my earlier post slash Laura v. Technology

Trying out this whole auto-publish thing. I can't tell the future, but I'm guessing this is what my 2:30 in the afternoon will sound like:

"Oh my goddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd is this day over yettttttttttttttttttttttttttttt???????"

Something like that.

Anyway, two things to add on to this morning's post:

1: I WENT TO THE GYM THIS MORNING! And better than that, I think I actually liked it! If this is your reaction, don't worry, it's mine too:



It was really good. I had to get down to business because I only had a little over 30 minutes to be there, and it's done and out of the way! I walked for 3 minutes, then ran at 5.0mph for 10:30. Then I did like 2.5 weight machines (all leg) and then had to go. I feel great about it! (my inner cynic says: "too much cheer this early in the morning, I don't even know who you are anymore...") I also enjoy that it already puts my water intake at like 30oz before my day really even starts!

I don't even mind that I had to get up at 5am, which, by the way, I also did Monday and Tuesday. I don't leave my house for work until 7:15am but I like having time to sit around, blog, and eat breakfast and pack my lunch with some thought put into it. You could tell me that I could make my lunch ahead of time, but you would be underestimating my lack of motivation to do ANYTHING after work :-P

2: I just realized I have 150 followers! What a lovely number. :-D Thank you guys! And for all your comments, too - I would be better at responding but I can't directly reply to a lot of the comments, I guess b/c you either need a gmail account for me to reply directly from my email where I get comment alerts? I don't know. My dream one day is to have my own domain, and sort of combine it with my real life blog, so I can bring my two worlds together. I don't like having parts of my life hidden from others - I want it to be one big narcissistic house of LAURA! Plus I think you guys would like my real life friends, and they'd like you a whole bunch too.

AW LOVE FEST. BARF.

oops! part deux (and...welcome to my neurosis)

Okay, I'll give you one more hint about those "creative truths" - there are three facts/truths, and a sort of half-truth. So three and a half truths, and the rest are lies! MUAHAHAHAHA..hahaha...ha....guys? You still there?

I was SO sore yesterday from doing the Shred on Monday, especially my legs. I felt like I was maybe even limping a little! That's what I get for basically not exercising for three weeks! :-P

The good news is that I ate good things yesterday.

Breakfast:

*bread-free egg sandwich: We have one of those little egg cooker things that makes a nice little round egg, so I made 2 with egg subst. and put a piece of canadian bacon, most of a LCL wedge, and some ketchup in the middle. The egg was the bread! Good times.

Snack:

*Toasted Nuts 'n Cranberry Luna Bar

Lunch:

*salad: spinach, romaine lettuce, 1/4 cup feta cheese, 1/3 cup craisins, 1/3 cup chicken breast, 1 tbsp chia seeds.

Snack:

*1 serving of Wheat Thin Fiber Selects (in Garden Vegetable) crackers
*handful of Kashi Honey Sunshine cereal

Dinner:

*Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Masala meal

***

Okay, this is probably premature to be writing about - but there is this EH guy that's popped up recently, and we have been emailing and gchatting, and it is fun. I noticed that my stomach was getting that knotty feeling during/after talking to him...like in a good way.

Here's where I get nervous - in his questions to me (one of the last EH steps...such a weird process) one of the pre-made questions he opted to ask me was "During a typical week, what sort of physical activities do you enjoy?" and....that got me paranoid. I have two reasons for this:

1: Everytime I see a guy on EH describe themselves as "physically fit" or mentions anything about being "physically active", I immediately think "He's putting that out there because he wants someone that's thin/skinny/also physically fit" - it's a nice way of saying No Fat Chicks.

2: This other guy about a month or two ago went through the whole process with me only to tell me that I looked slender in some of my pictures and bigger in others - he went through the whole process to ask me if the "bigger" pictures were older and not really what I looked like - otherwise, bye. So now I'm really concerned that everyone thinks this. I put up full-body pictures of me to ensure that anyone who contacted me got the point that I was overweight (I sort of hint that I'm working on it though, in my profile) and I don't want to be one of those people that misrepresents themselves. I already have the "dealbreaker" of living at home still - yes, a perceived dealbreaker, to me - and now I might have to add that "Images may be bigger than they appear" to it?!

So now there's this guy that I actually might like, and we totally click when we're talking I might sound really neurotic, but...I'm already assuming it won't work out. He won't like me because I'm overweight. I've spent my whole life experiencing "Guys that I like never like me back" and I've never known anything different. I know it's a whole other can of raging self-esteem issues worms, I guess I just need to get this out there. 

He invited me to hang out tonight but I said I had other plans. In my head I'm like "How long can I put off meeting him so I have time to lose as much weight as I can??!" and then the rational part of me says "That's a terrible idea". And then my crazy side doesn't respond because it's too busy drooling and gnawing on a doorknob.

23 March 2010

oops!

I ended up going home early yesterday - I was running a little bit of a fever and felt really sick. Bleh. So I seriously went to bed at 6pm and was too tired to blog :-P Apologies! Because I know you were sitting there refreshing every 4 seconds waiting for my Awards post. Don't deny it.

First up!


Okay, basically the only one that requires me to write anything is the "Creative Writer" Award, and it will have me come up with at least six outrageous lies and a few truths, and you have to figure out which! I'll never tell.

1. I've gotten hit by a car.
2. Somewhere in Japan, in someone's tourist/trip scrapbooks, there are pictures of me.
3. I've eaten alligator meat.
4. I accidentally burned part of a house down.
5. I've been in a physical fight more than once.
6. I had a three week fling with a Scottish dude.
7. I used to work for the circus.
8. I eat tomatoes like apples.
9. I'm in love with someone.
10. I was on TV during last year's Inauguration.




The other two I don't have to do anything but nominate people (and for one of them, say why they're so great!), so I'm gonna combine all three and nominate the following people for them - you can choose to accept all or some of the awards if you want!

1. Kat at Low Fat Kat. Because she's an amazing writer, hilarious, we're basically the same person, and our iPods are best friends.

2. Jessica at  Living in the Gym, Kitchen and Mall She has been through a lot health-wise, and is so self-aware and really takes care of herself. And her food is SO healthy and delicious, and I love her pictures. She was my secret bloggie valentine and got me hooked on Luna Bars and Amazing Grass SuperFood powders :-)

3. Kaitlin at Everyday Grace I love how honest she is. And I really like the name of her blog! She's lost almost 50 pounds and she really is doing it with grace, I think.

4. Megan at Megan Loses We're very similar - 20somethings in DC working on weight loss. I just found her recently but she has a lot of great, relatable posts. We've got to meet in real life! :-)

5. Kat at Kat's Adventures in Dietland Her tweets are hilarious and her posts are so honest and she has lost 50 pounds! So inspiring and funny and great.

I should really do more than 5 because if you look at my blogroll..come on now. I read like 8 million. But I have to get ready for work! I should probably, you know, put in a full day there. It's a crazy idea, I know.


***Before I go, I would like to point out that after blogging yesterday morning, I did the 30 Day Shred video. Level 1, of course. And also of course, I am sore today. Good times***

22 March 2010

That's the Weigh Love Goes

Ha, well, Taylor was not as kind to me this morning. I'd go as far as saying she was HARSH.

215.6!

Up 4.6 from last week? Wow. Yikes. It sucks, and I'm disappointed because it's like I have to drop those 4 pounds all over again...and it would have been nice to get to a 50 pound loss...but at the same time, considering my weekend, I feel like some of it might be a last minute reaction from the scale in terms of my water intake (or lack of, in my case) and such. So I'm just gonna try and make this week better!

Ha, you'll notice whenever I gain, I'm like "It's just the scale!" and whenever I lose a bunch, "It's my hard work and dedication reflected accurately in the scale!" Iiiiinteresting.

***

In other news, I'm toying with the idea of switching gyms. As I read all of your blogs, and read about all the things that yours offers, I'm getting a little envious. Mine is great for the price ($30 a month), it's right by my house, and it's all women so I'm not intimidated...but it doesn't offer much. There aren't any good classes (and when there are they often get cancelled), there is one shower and I've never seen anyone use it (shady), and there aren't any other locations (like in the city, so I could go before/after/during work) I can go to. I want a gym I can be excited about, that I can really, I dunno, sink my teeth into, if you will. I could probably come up with a better metaphor/visual for that, but, you get what I mean, right?!

I don't want to pay too much more than I already do, but I would be willing to invest a little more to get back a little more, ya know? Where do you go? If you have any advice about good deals in my area (DC/Northern Virginia) email me or get in touch! I'm easily persuaded :-)

***

A biiiiiiig thank you to 266 and Scuttleboose for giving me awards! I have to skedaddle to get ready for work, but I will surely do the required steps later this evening :-)


21 March 2010

weekend wrap up

I had such a great weekend! Friday night I watched Monsters vs. Aliens – have you seen it?! I thought it was so hilarious. I love cartoon movies, I really do. Emperor’s New Groove, Up, The Incredibles…some of my faves.

Anyway, Saturday was great. I was sad to miss FitBloggin and I definitely want to go next year – but my day made up for it! I went down to Richmond (VA) to see a bunch of my friends again. I had lunch with one of my best friends – he’s my best guy friend and we’ve been friends since we were 13 years old. He was my senior prom date! He’s in med school and just got matched this week, so we had a celebratory lunch!

After lunch he came with me to my old college roommate’s birthday party, and we had cold drinks and played games in the sunshine. It was so nice. Have you ever played Ladder Golf? Looks like this:



You set them at opposite ends of a yard or whatever and toss the ball/string things and they have to hang on to the different rings to get points. It’s so fun. And if you’re immature like my friends and me, there are an infinite number of ball jokes to be made.

After the cookout I went over to the house of another friend from college – for a St. Patrick’s Day party! I had such a good time, and I had a little NSV too!  My friend told me that I looked really good - she hadn't seen me since September, which was the last time I was down at their house! In fact, my first picture on the side there, the one in which I'm wearing my Orange VT shirt, I took that right before I left to see them.

And now today…just resting. I got a book from the library and I’m gonna start in on that.

Can I tell you what’s a total bummer? Fear. Kat had a great post about it recently, which I totally identify with, but in this particular instance, I’m speaking of a different kind of fear…the “of your life” kind.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/03/15/AR2010031501859.html

If you don’t feel like reading this, basically there’s a guy named The East Coast Rapist and he’s been getting away with, you guessed it, rapes, for the past 13 years. From Northern Virginia all the way to Connecticut. And the other week there was a notice of a similar person in the town where I live. AWESOME.

This guy apparently preys on women after learning their routines and habits, knowing when they'll be alone and unguarded - near their homes, or sometimes at gas stations and such. And I'm in my house by myself. It’s so nice out now and I’m literally too afraid to go out to walk/run by myself. This sucks. It sucks that someone like this exists, and that it makes me live in fear. I’m already cautious about this sort of thing anyway, I always lock doors and pay attention to my surroundings, but I don’t like being fearful about it.

I don't want to be overly dramatic, but I also want to take it seriously. If you were me, what would you do?

Anyway, just in case anyone in the DC area that reads this blog hadn’t heard about this guy…be careful please! I don’t want to sensationalize, I just think everyone should be aware.

(Moving to a different kind of terror, I don’t think I will have lost any weight this week. I ate healthfully, but I think I ate more than I did the week previous, plus my "day off" yesterday, which included lots of delicious beer and three pieces of pizza!)

15 March 2010

omg...are you ready for this one....The Weigh I Meal

TWO-FER! Ha! I can hear you all groaning and I love it. You know, I'm not really that big into puns or that kind of humor but...for some reason...if I can get you all to roll your eyes (so much that I can hear it through my monitor) then I think I've accomplished something.

Also, any Matt Wertz fans out there? I enjoy him.

Clearly I'm in a good mood, so you can guess the kind of conversation that T-Dawg and I had this morning:

211

on the dot! That's a 3.8 loss from last week! I really worked hard on my choices last week so I'm happy it was reflected in the scale.

Also, here's my food from yesterday...it doesn't seem like a lot, but I woke up late and went to bed early, so I was full allllllll day, trust.

*Breakfast:

*egg scramble: ½ cup egg subst., 1 chorizo chicken sausage, ½ cup bell pepper frozen veggie mix, a dash of cayenne pepper
*1 Trader Joe’s mini whole wheat bagel with 1 tbsp polaner’s sugar free raspberry jam
*1 scoop Amazing Grass Chocolate GreenSuperFood mix with 8 oz unsweetened vanilla almond milk

Lunch:

*1/2 cup fage 0% greek yogurt mixed with: heaping tbsp of peanut butter, 1 scoop Amazing Grass Chocolate GreenSuperFood mix, about 1/2 cup of granola

Dinner:

*sandwich: garlic naan, 3 falafal balls, 2 tbsp tzatziki sauce, alfalfa sprouts, romaine lettuce

******

Here's hoping today will be a good one for everyone!

PS - the other day I had another one of my Steaz Zero Calorie Black Cherry Sparkling Green Tea (I think I'm gonna get carpal tunnel from typing that out every time) and this was the bottlecap message:


Damn straight, Steaz! (please excuse the poor manicure)

14 March 2010

I'm here, I'm here!

I haven't fallen off any wagons, friends. Promises. I just...haven't felt inspired to post. I've been eating great but I don't really have much else to say. I'm lacking inspiration and feeling tired. I probably need to start exercising again, I bet that's a solution, she says as she puts her pajamas back on and scrolls through On Demand to see what movies are available...

I haven't been doing much. Yesterday afternoon, I did some grocery shopping. It was a dreary day and I looked like a college kid: 

I felt cute for some reason. I guess because I haven't worn those jeans in two years and I *love* that hat.


And I wore these shoes with it:


I love little splashes of color like that. Thanks, Target, for making fun and cute and cheap flats.

Got some good food. Frozen and fresh fruits and veggies, new bread (thanks for your input!), more greek yogurt, VitaTops, a couple of Lean Cuisine frozen meals, and some unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk - which tastes realllllly good with a scoop of my Amazing Grass Chocolate GreenSuperFood mix!

Since I did the shopping it's been nice to incorporate veggies and fruits back into my eating. I didn't have a lot to work with before!

Let's see...anything else? EHarmony updates...I'm "communicating" with a couple of guys. I got to the point of texting with this other guy last week, but...I just wasn't feeling it, I knew it wouldn't happen and just let that one go. I'm honestly kind of looking forward to when my 3 months is up so I don't have to go through it anymore...I'm not throwing in the towel just yet but...I think it'll be relieving to be done with it. Defeatest attitude, much?! The weather is killing me!

Yeah, I definitely need a pick-me-up. I haven't seen any friends since last Tuesday...nor have I been anywhere other than work-home-work-home, rinse and repeat! Oh man, I am complaining too much. Sorry, guys!

We'll end on the good stuff - the eating! I won't list all my eats for the last couple of days, but some of them were pretty tasty and worth sharing!

For breakfast, the last few days I've been eating the same PB&J Yoatgurt (thanks Janetha!) every morning and it is scrumdiddlyumptious every time. Agh I love it so much.

For lunch yesterday I had a sandwich: honey bran country bread (thanks Trader Joe’s!!) with turkey breast, mustard and romaine lettuce and 15 wheat thins fiber garden veggie crackers (couldn’t find my garlic & herb all-bran! These were good too though)

For dinner on Friday I had Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Masala with a piece of tandoori naan. Sooo goooood.

12 March 2010

yesterday's food. sorry no puns this morning! (cue all of you cheering and hugging)

I have a question about bread. But first, a digression. When I first started weight-loss blogging, Bitch Cakes was one of the first ones I started reading. She’s great, and really inspiring. One of the things she has incorporated into her life is clean/natural eating – as in, no artificial foods/flavorings/chemicals. I had no idea that sucralose was an artificial sweetener before I read her blog. So it’s something I’m aware of much more now, and have stopped consuming a lot of things I used to…but it’s still a work in progress. Like the sugar-free-but-not-sucralose-free jam I had this morning. So:

Arnold’s Thins. You know ‘em. You love ‘em. They have sucralose in them. WHY, AT, WHY?! So I want to see if I can find a new bread for sandwiches. I opened it up to twitter and got some responses (thanks ladies!) and now I'd like to ask you fine people as well.

I’d like it to be relatively low-calorie, but really pack a nutritional punch, taste okay, and be free of as many artificial ingredients as possible. Got any ideas for me?

Also, I know, I didn't post yesterday. I was too tired and chose my bed instead!

But I did eat well. Observe:

Breakfast:

Janetha’s Yoats again! Sooo good, kept me full for almost 5 hours!

Snack:

*1/2 cup cottage cheese

Lunch:

*1/2 cup parmesan couscous with 1 cup broccoli and 3 falafal balls, crumbled

Snack:

*serving of all-bran garlic & herb crackers and wedge of brie

Dinner:

*frittata! With lump crab, grilled artichoke hearts, onion and chive. It was pretty good if I do say so myself.

aaaaaaand:


Check out the $50 shopping spree giveaway on Mary’s Weight Loss Blog! I can win an $50 Shopping Spree Giveaway from iHerb.com and so can you! Click here for contest details!

10 March 2010

Little Bit of Meal Good

I can't force myself to construct any sort of decent narrative, so you get a list*

1. I drank 140oz of water today, and 3 cups of green tea. As Joey Russo would say, Whoa!
2. I have some award-getting and giving to catch up on, I'll do this soon! But thanks to you lovely folks for thinking of me! One day I'll improve my time management skills....maybe later.
3. I ordered a new iPod today because now my poor baby doesn't even hold a charge through the whole metro ride. :-( But yay, new toy soon! PS I ordered it online b/c it's $25 cheaper (Best Buy) and you get free shipping, and even with tax it still comes out $10 cheaper than if you bought it in-store or through Apple. Booyah. But I guess we'll see how confident I am in my choice after it shows up, hopefully in one piece, free of any tomfoolery.
4. Wow, only 3 things? I'm boring.
5. Wait, I thought of another one! Keri, WELCOME TO THE DARK SIDE. Heh.
6. Okay now I really might be done.
7. Yep.
8. NOPE! I just want to ask: Do any of you watch White Collar? It's on USA so I feel a little ashamed that I'm watching what 90% of retirement homes watch all day long, but....that show is SO awesome! Anyone? Anyone?!?!
9. Okay now I'm done. On to food.

*I wrote the following this morning, when the day was young and I didn't know that my coworkers chose today to be FRANTIC at ALL TIMES...ugh.

So yesterday the uber-cool Janetha ate what she calls “PB&J Yoatgurt” for breakfast. Greek Yogurt + oatmeal. Plus other goodies.

I thought I’d give it a go this morning…by basically copying her. It’s what I do.

½ cup oatmeal (I just used Quaker instant because I’m too lazy to make steel cut, at least in the AM)
¼ cup greek yogurt (fage 0%)
1 tbsp The Bees Knees PB&Co (Scuttleboose...I can't remember where I got it, I'm sorry!)
1 tbsp Polaner’s Sugar Free Raspberry Jelly
1 tbsp chia seeds (this was my own addition!)

Mix it all together and eat. …more like INHALE. It is SO GOOD. I can't wait for breakfast tomorrow morning.

Breakfast:

*Janetha's Yoats :-)
*can of V8 (in the car on the way to the Metro)

Snack:

*1/2 cup fage 0% with 1 tbsp honey and ½ a serving of PB Puffins (the last of them!!) and 1 tbsp chia seeds

Lunch:

Falafal: 3 falafal balls (heh..balls) with 1 tbsp tzatziki, multi grain arnold’s thin
*13 Newman’s Own pretzel sticks

Snack:

*3/4 a small granny smith apple, sliced with a wedge of brie

Dinner:

*broccoli with tuna and melted cheese (string cheese :-P) I guess it was sort of like a fake/deconstructed casserole. It was pretty good!

09 March 2010

Party at a Rich Food's House

(Song is off Ke$ha's new album. It pains me a little to use that dollar sign, but I have to do her justice. I haven't actually listened to that particular song, but I'm slightly ashamed to say I like Kiss N Tell, Your Love is My Drug, and obbbviiiii Tik Tok. Sometimes I have the musical palate of a tween.)

Not much on my mind other than, I need to somehow get into the exercise groove again. I think one of the things that prevents me from going is my idea that once I’m there I have to run the fastest and the longest, and then bust my ass on weights, and then do MORE cardio and basically Biggest-Loser-Last-Chance-Workout-It every. single. time. and it feels insurmountable and I give up before I even start. I need to not set the bar so high, in that sense.

I know a lot of you are probably thinking that I should be doing that kind of workout every time, because you are! I read blogs, I see! And once I do start getting into a rhythm, it doesn’t take long before I see if I can push a little more, or sneak in a few more reps…I just hate that I set an unreachable goal that prevents me from moving at all. I need to aim lower, at least at first.

My eating is great now and I'm proud of it, and crawling out of the black hole that was January didn’t happen by going zero to sixty. In fact I’m sometimes even hyperaware of my eating, because I don’t want to start “seeing if I can eat a little less” every day, because I’ve done it before and it doesn’t lead anywhere good. Did I ever tell you about the time in grad school when I basically challenged myself to subsist on nothing but a Sugar Free Red Bull all day? I won the challenge but lost…me? Integrity? I don’t know what I lost but…it was unhealthy.

Anyway my point is that I really want to work on keeping things steady. My eating is steady (for now, one day at a time and such) and I want my workouts to be that way too…so I just need to get there.

Breakfast:

*half a WW bagel with 1 tbsp The Bees Knees PB&Co, and 1 tbsp chia seeds sprinkled on top. (not a bad combo! Though don’t eat it in front of other people because the seeds-in-teeth ratio is WAY UP on this one)

Lunch:

*peach chobani with 1 tbsp chia seeds
*sandwich: ¼ granny smith apple, sliced, small wedge of brie (sliced), few slices of turkey breast, small handful of craisins
*13 Newman’s Own pretzel sticks

Snack:
*1/2 cup cottage cheese

Another “Snack”:
*Amazing Grass Chocolate GreenSuperFood drink powder

Dinner:

*WW Smart Ones Lasagna Florentine

Haven't Met Food Yet

(Um, I love Michael Buble's new song. Plus he's adorable. And it makes me think of Hamm & Buble. "...you are on the thinnest of ice." hee!)

I really did eat things yesterday, I swear! I just went to bed absurdly early and just...too...lazy.....*snores*

So anyhoodle, here's what I ate yesterday. You'll notice a lack of vegetables and fruit. I'm trying to hold off on grocery shopping until this weekend and just use what I have for now. I've got some artichoke hearts in the fridge and a little bit of spinach left...and that's it!

Also, I've seen people eating spaghetti squash again recently and I've never had it, and I want to jump on that bandwagon - where are you getting your spaghetti squash? Aren't they not in season anymore? I mean, you can get a lot of things out of season (I'm not going to bust out into a carbon-footprint rant, fear not) but...I don't think I've seen them anywhere recently.

Breakfast:

*1 Oikos 0% greek yogurt w/ honey and ¾ cup Kashi Honey Sunshine cereal and 1 tbsp chia seeds

Lunch:

*tuna sandwich: 1/3 tuna salad (can of tuna with 2 tbsp light mayo, divided in thirds), handful of spinach, 3 bread and butter pickles, slice of avocado
*Progresso Chicken Rotini soup

Snack:

*½ cup fage 0%, 1 scoop/serving chocolate green superfood, 1/3 cup granola, 1 tbsp chia seeds, 1 tbsp The Bees Knees PB&Co

Dinner:

*Trader Joe’s Vegetable Masala patty
*1/2 cup egg subst. with 1 oz. feta cheese, caramelized onions and a little bit of ketchup

08 March 2010

Carlito's Weigh

I’m back! Haha, I took a break Sunday because…you can guess how one feels after spending a night with her old college friends? Fun, but…I was a little slower than usual on Sunday!

The rest of Saturday’s eating was okay…I had lunch out with other old college friends, I got a sandwich called The Rhysdale: “Smoked turkey, cranberry spread, herbed cream cheese & petit greens” It was really good! And, okay, I got it with sweet potato fries. Which were delicious. But I left some of everything on the plate, even though I wanted to inhale it!

Dinner wasn’t really dinner, it was grazing at the food set out at the party. I ate a little more because I was also drinking (see: Sunday, slow moving) and I didn’t want things to get unfortunate! I had some grapes, a few potato chips and tortilla chips, a small piece of cheese, LOTS of cucumber slices and baby carrots, a few dips of hummus, wheat thins, bread/cheese things called mozzarella bites, oh and a few bites of this cheese dip stuff. It was all pretty tasty. I drank more than I normally do, but definitely not to the extent that I did in my actual college days! So I’m okay with it, and choosing to ignore the amount of calories I may have ingested that night!

On Sunday, after driving home, I had breakfast/lunch, (Trader Joe’s chicken tikka malala and a piece of tandoori naan) and then tried to stay awake…and failed. I took a really long nap. Then I did a little housekeeping, drank a chocolate greensuperfood mix, then went to bed.

But true to form, I got on the scale this morning!

214.8

I’ll take it! It’s 2 pounds less than last week and includes a day off AND night of drinking, so I can’t complain!

(oh also, you’ll notice I’m posting this a bit later…I took a mental health day from work – after a weekend?, you say skeptically…yes, after a weekend, I basically have anxiety every time I go into work so…I didn’t really feel like it today)

Now I’m off to go see if I can make my day somewhat productive. We’ll see how that works out!

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