um?

so by "more tomorrow" i meant...more in like, 4 months.

hi?

i don't know why i fool myself into thinking i'm going to update with any more frequency. full disclosure: i feel like i have about 17 blogs. i have a personal one that i keep with my friends (real-life friends), i have a new one that i've been keeping up that more honestly catalogs my experience with compulsive overeating.

because that's where i am now. the realization that i compulsively overeat when i'm at home, by myself. my therapist has been urging me for weeks*** to start going to overeaters anonymous...i'm not quite there yet, other than paying attention to some online communities and attending one virtual meeting. but i'm trying to accept it and work with it. i don't fully agree with the tenants of OA, because i'm not at all religious or spiritual, so the whole "higher power" aspect does not work for me.  also the strive towards "abstinence" (sugar, fat, carbs) - not sure this is even something i fully believe in either, real talk. i believe in eating like a normal person. which is to say, generally healthy eating, but taking pleasure in something indulgent every so often if it makes you happy. and i mean genuine happiness, not fulfilling emotional cavities  but i suppose i do understand the concept of clearing your system of the foods and habits you've developed an addiction to.

but the reflection, the mindfulness, the acceptance that i have some emotional issues and i use food as a crutch: yes. this.

so i'm doing my best to accept it, but not let it define me, either. the compulsion is one thing i'm dealing with. i'm also 'dealing with' great friends, family, my own apartment, a great job that allows me to do amazingly fun things, etc.

anyway, i don't know what that means for this blog, i really don't. i miss belonging to this kind of community, i do. but i just don't know if i have the time to really commit to the involvement like i was two years ago. so i don't know what that means.

sorry i'm uber mope-y today. i feel pressure because, i started this new revamped laura 2.0 this monday, so this weekend is the first real challenge. being at home alone is my kryptonite. the weekdays were filled with work, gym trainer sessions, friend-dates, and lots of activity that made it a LOT easier to not struggle with meal choices. but the weekend, when i have hours and hours of time on my hands and i feel like relaxing after a busy week. and relaxing means watching tv and eating whatever i want.

but so far today, so good.

something frivolous: can i tell you my new breakfast obsession? two eggs over medium, with sriracha sauce. holy jesus it's my favorite. and yes, i always want to eat more than two eggs. but i'm trying to reign it in, remember?!

***ETA: i just looked through old posts, i had one from JULY that talks about my therapist mentioning OA to me. holy shit, i didn't realize it had been that long. okay, yeah, so it only took five months of her mentioning it to me, for me to finally look into it (and still not fully commit.) yeesh. well, real talk, i want to use it as a tool, as a way to change my habits, not revolve my life around it. because my life does not revolve around compulsive eating.

...right?