I am going to make up for my absence with pictures? Maybe?

So it's been a while. Ups and downs, amazing places, bad food and good food. But today I'm in a pretty good place, all things considered. So here are some pictures.

In June my dear friend from high school got married to a lovely girl from the Czech Republic; so a handful of us went over for the wedding. After a few days in Pilsen, I departed for Rome for 3 days on my own. It was spectacular.

I saw and ate amazingly wonderful things.

I went to California a month later for my godbrother's wedding, and to meet my godsister's new baby. I don't have any pictures from that...oops? But it was great.

After I got back I wasn't feeling great, I was spending too much money on delivery (and too many calories, natch) food and I was just feeling physically (and emotionally) weighed down.

So the past couple of weeks, I've been doing better. If you follow me on twitter you can see that I just synced  an app (Noom, for Android) I have that tracks your exercise and meals. Even if it's just walking, it tracks you via GPS which is brilliant. The meals thing is interesting, and I use it as more of an estimate b/c I am also keeping a Food/Mood journal as part of therapy.

I am hesitant about exercise, because I have this idea in my head (especially with sharing it on Twitter) that I have to be running 5 miles and lifting weights for an hour and be "proud" of my exercise and compete with everyone else. That walking for 20 or 30 minutes isn't good enough. Because I CAN run, even for short periods of time, but I'm embarrassed that I'm so limited. And I'm not competitive when it comes to fitness, I don't have any fitness-related goals, really. I just want to be healthy and weigh less. I have Noom set up for me to weigh 150 pounds, which, is really lofty, I know. But I'm just taking it day by day, and trying to keep my office and home stocked with healthy things that take little or no time to put together.

Including, my version of a McGriddle:

That is 1 piece of Arnold's Double Fiber bread, 1 piece of Sorrento's Cheddar/Mozarella cheese, egg substitute, 1 Jimmy Dean Turkey sausage, and 1 TBSP of Hungry Jack syrup on the bread. It's much better calorie and fat content-wise, but of course, healthier breakfasts exist :) But it's an enjoyable breakfast!

I'm having some work and relationship woes (the dude overseas in Iraq...that whole mess is still in existence) but I'm really trying so hard not to turn to food. There are days where I want to come home and burrow in my couch and order too much Thai food. But this past week I've stopped myself. Sometimes the incentive of saving money overrides the health aspect, but I'll take it either way.

I weighed myself last week, Monday I think? And I was at 238.2. So I'll probably check again tomorrow or Tuesday (and update in Noom, of course) and see how it goes. I just want to take it day by day and be grateful for what I have.

i am not clever today. but while i'm here, you know what's awesome? Girl Talk. the end. continue reading.

This morning I went to therapy, and brought a breakfast of oatmeal and blueberries and tea with me. Then I had therapy, and of course, cried, like I always do. Then I went to yoga, sweated a LOT (and it wasn’t even hot yoga :-P) and at the end, cried a little too. Something about taking all the bad energy out and replacing it with good made me realize how MUCH bad energy and negative thoughts I have right now.

I am almost wholly unhappy. And I will admit to having a tough time seeing the brighter side. I know there is one, and I’m smart enough to know that I am lucky enough to have things that others don’t. But I’m internally unhappy. I can’t remember the last time I genuinely laughed, like that kind of laugh that comes from your core and is pure happiness emanating from you.

But I’m trying. The wellbutrin is fine – I feel like I’ve evened out now, I don’t feel that “ENERGYOMFGLOLZBBQLMNOP!@#” that I did in the beginning, which was probably psychosomatic. Which is fine. But it helps me by allowing me not to spend any of my positive energy forcing myself to shower, brush my teeth, talk to people…that feels more natural and I can try and focus some positivity towards myself….if that makes sense. Too much therapy-talk? Maybe. Is this a LOT of navel-gazing? Probably.

So…things aren’t great. But I’m trying. I ate a good breakfast, and I’m doing yoga once a week, and over time I want to build it up to 2 times, maybe 3 if I can afford it. And my counselor had me order a book about eating disorders (mine being emotional eating and some binge eating – never purging, but still the binge eating) so I hope I can do some hard work there and have a better relationship with food. And with myself.

A few weeks ago I weighed myself and I was 238. And yesterday I weighed myself and I was 234. So I’m happy about that. But I’m being careful not to feel or think that “THIS IS IT! This is THE time that it works! I’m on my way and never looking back!” Do I want that? Of course I do. But I’m trying to be careful with myself this time around.

I say a lot of things and never actually do them. I’m trying the reverse this time, I guess.

I miss you guys. 

Q&A

Q: Soooo where have you been, missy?

A: Um, generally hiding and being unhappy with life.

Q: Have you been eating well?

A: Do you consider a new obsession with McGriddles “well”?

Q: What about exercising?

A: The five minute walk from the metro to my office (and back again) and walking up the escalators.

Q: So…no, is what you’re saying.

A: Yeah, no.

Q: How much do you weigh?

A: Somewhere in the 230-240 range is my guess. I haven’t weighed myself in a few weeks, and that was many sausage, egg, cheese on a croissants ago, so it’s anybody’s guess.

Q: What’s your deal with breakfast sandwiches?

A: I don’t know, man, I don’t know.

Q: So what brings you here anyway?

A: A lack of motivation to do work on a Friday?

Q: No but really.

A: To say that, I went to the doctor a few times and found out I have borderline high cholesterol, so, I actually do need to eat better, McGriddles aside.

Q: How many McGriddles have you had!?

A: Actually just one, yesterday morning. But holy hell was it amazing.

Q: Anything else you’d like to share?

A: Yeah. Wellbutrin. I mean, I don’t want to share my stash but I started taking it yesterday. Between a really mentally/emotionally unhealthy work environment and my weight gain due to stress and emotional eating, I’m really unhappy…and I’ve been seeing a therapist for about a month which has been great but I need some extra help. Plus Wellbutrin is a stimulant and an appetite suppressant…

Q: Do you want Wellbutrin to do all the diet and exercise work for you?

A: Yep.

Q: You realize that’s ridiculous.

A: Yep.

Q: Well how do you feel so far?

A: Um, I’m sure a lot of it is only psychosomatic at this point, but, I feel good. It feels like I have more energy to do the basic things like…showering, brushing my teeth, cooking for myself, that were a struggle to do before, which were fairly clear signs of depression. And whether it’s psychosomatic or actually working, I’ll take it either way.

Q: Yeah that’s true. Well good!

A: Thank you. I was initially scared to admit that I might need it, and it felt like I was admitting that something is fundamentally wrong with me – even though counseling has taught me better, I still have perfectionist tendencies and I have issues with something being “wrong” with me. But I’m an adult and it’s my job to make myself feel better, so I’m trying.

Q: That sounds reasonable.

A: Sure, I guess. We’ll see in a couple of weeks when it takes effect.

Q: So, a low-cholesterol diet, hm?

A: IT’S LIKE THEY’RE TAKING AWAY MY HAPPINESS.

Q: Whoa there tiger.

A: I’m sorry, I know.

Q: Is this still about McGriddles?

A: THEY HAVE LITTLE TINY POCKETS OF MAPLE SYRUP THAT BLEND IN WITH THE SAVORY FLAVORS! IT’S GENIUS.

Please excuse the stream of consciousness below...

So here's the thing.

Actually - first - let me say upfront that I'm at 214. Weighed myself the other day. I'm not exactly happy about it, but I know it could be worse, and I seem to be maintaining well. So I'm holding on that for now to say a few more things.

You all know my history with The Family - The Matriarch - who is my godmother who does a really good job at reinforcing my abysmal-to-non-existent self esteem. So my parents and I are going out there at the end of September to surprise her for her 65th birthday.

I was looking forward to it for about a week, and then the dread set in.

More insecurity. More feeling like my worth is based on my pants size. More comments about "brownies are for big fat girls" (she made that comment last year, thank god the comment wasn't directed at me, but those kind of things stick with you)

***

You all know I *FINALLY* got a job in my chosen field back in May. I've been there almost 3 months now, and it's going really well. I feel like I fit in, and the work is challenging but interesting. I truly feel like I am where I am supposed to be. (Don't get me wrong: I am there on weekends sometimes, working from 7am to 8:30pm on some days; it's demanding, but there is at least a decent sense of satisfaction to be had)

One of my coworkers, who you would consider my Office BFF, is a large-and-in-charge woman. She's my age, about 3 inches taller than me, but weighs well into the 300s, I'd wager. She's had severe asthma her whole life, so I suspect the inability to play and move around as a kid turned into a vicious cycle into her adulthood. Anyway, this woman has the healthiest body image of anyone I have ever met. She loves herself unabashedly and wholeheartedly. She acknowledges and appreciates every inch of her body.


***

I'm being 100% honest, I cannot wrap my mind around it. And I feel like it makes me a terrible person, and whether it's right or wrong, it makes me feel like I'm a victim of the poor self-images of many of the women in my life. My godmother, my grandmother when she was alive, even my mother a lot of the time are the big culprits here, but a lot of my girlfriends are not without the negative side comments about themselves for not weighing less or wearing a smaller size.

Over my 27 years on this planet, I've just adopted the noise. I've assumed they're right and spent my time hating my body at all its sizes.

So from this point on, I'm going to focus on loving myself. I'm not going to get anywhere until I actually genuinely care about myself, and learn to appreciate the body that I have. I'm living on my own now (or, with 2 roommates, but out of the parents house finally. It's going great, by the way!) and it's time for me to define my own outlooks on, well, just about everything.

Now, that doesn't mean I'm giving myself license to eat whatever I want, or be lazy, but, I'm not going to focus at all on that - I need to focus on my heart, on my emotional body. I know, I'm rolling my eyes a little bit too. But I'm sick of feeling this dread and shame when I go to visit my godmother. And my mother too, but she just doesn't talk about it as much as my godmother does.

Also, I don't think that my godmother's birthday party weekend is the right time to have a conversation about it, but I'm entertaining the idea that at some point, I might have to have this conversation with her about how she makes me feel.

I'm 99% sure she is projecting her own negative body images onto me. And you know what? I just don't need that shit, plain and simple. I'm sick of it. And I know she's not entirely to blame - I'm letting myself feel that way, and that's where I want the change to happen. I need to build up my own self-image. My godmother's lack of healthy body-image shouldn't be my problem, and I want to be strong enough so that I don't internalize it.

I have no idea how I'm actually going to do any of this, but I just know that I need to start loving myself. No more 100in12, no more numbers (okay, maybe numbers here and there - I want to feel better about myself but I also don't deserve to have my hard work destroyed) (Plus I've been itching to change the design of this blog and now I have a good reason to do it!)

I want to start writing again - because I think it's good for me, and it'll help work out the crazy, I think. So I just need to find a way to a path that combines loving myself with taking care of myself and my health. I haven't the slightest idea as to how that's going to go (probably not smoothly?) but, I just wanted to throw that out there.

That's the new project. Taking care of and learning to love myself.

The one in which I try to make up for my absence with semi-interesting pictures

HI.

Well, a whole month without blogging, what have I been up to?

*WORKING. My new job is great. I'm admittedly still in the honeymoon phase, but the people are great, there is SO much potential for me to really step up my game and achieve a lot professionally, and it's in an awesome area of the city and I love going there everyday.

*TURNING 27: This past Thursday (the 27th!) was my birthday! I am now 27. This is MY YEAR, people. It's been officially declared. So I've got a lot to accomplish, and you bet your ass losing weight is one of those things.

*TRYING TO MOVE. I've been looking for apartments (rooms, really) to move into. I've been looking mostly in Virginia, as I do not want to step foot inside a DMV during this process - not to mention all the money it would cost to switch over tags and what not. No thank you.

Moving is really like interviewing all over again. I'm using Craigslist, so the good/legit ads have a lot of competition. I've gotten "turned down" for one place, and I saw 2 rooms this week and they should be making a decision soon. I really sort of fell in love with one, and I hope I get it, but we'll see.

(I also put feelers out to my friends about moving out and being a potential roommate, but no one has responded...I don't think I know anyone that is in that point in their life)

The good news about moving is that I'm not at all stressed about it. It's okay if I let myself be hopeful, because the entire world isn't riding on me finding a place. Granted, it's important, but I'm in no rush. And that's a nice position to be in.

*NEW GYM. I did it - I signed up for another gym. It sucks that I'm carrying two right now - I can't quit my other one until September when my contract is up. But I hadn't been in weeks and I just hated that it didn't have enough to offer. So I joined one that is about 2 blocks from my office - and has locations in my current town, and like 5 more all in the areas where I am looking to move. So I've got my bases covered there.

Have I been going? YES. Haha, a couple of times. I still need to set up an appointment to be "shown" the gym, and they give you a free fitness consultation and all of that and show you the weights - so I've only been on cardio so far, but it's good. They also have a nice locker room and tons of showers that are clean and nice, and it's a good deal. I'm actually paying 2 dollars LESS for this gym than my old one!

*EATING. Eating has been a mixed bag. I'm pretty good during the day, breakfast and lunch and snacks are all the normal, healthy things I've been eating. Dinner is the problem. I come home and I'm tired, and I don't have the strength a lot of days to fight the urge to eat a hot dog (fine, TWO) or make a sandwich with a gigantic pile of chips, etc etc. I never win that battle, and I need to figure out a way so that I can.

In terms of weight gain, as of this past Wednesday I was at 208. To tell you the truth, I'm not all that upset. Do I want it to continue going up? Not at all, in fact, if you can believe it, I want it to go back down. But I can only balance so much. I'm giving my eating attention, don't get me wrong, but not my full attention.

HAVING FUN! I've been hanging out with my friends, going to baseball games, being touristy in my own city, all good stuff. And a lot of fun stuff planned this summer, too. Concerts, drinks with friends, Screen on the Green, Jazz in the Sculpture Garden (these last two both being very fun DC Young Professional-type things), one and maaaybe two beach trips - this is going to be a great summer.

***

So basically I still care about losing weight and getting healthy - it's just about 3rd or 4th on the list of things I am working on. The whole 100in12 thing isn't going to happen, and I guess on one hand it's disappointing that it won't happen, but if I can accomplish a shitload of things in the meantime then, we're doing allright.

I'll try and blog more. This one was mostly out of guilt that I hadn't been here in so long, and some of you were concerned. I'll tell you this - I definitely don't want to give up completely. This blog is SUCH a source of happiness for me, regardless of my attendance within the past month. It has been such a crucial tool for my success thus far and I won't give it up. But it's just not my main focus. But I'll try and do better. I hope that now that I'm identifying my lack of complete attention and effort in my weight loss areas...I'll at least care a little more. Admitting the problem is the first step, right?

Can I make up for my poor attendance here with pictures?!

First day of work outfit!

Haha, two of my friends and I pondering a map, being tourists.

The lunch I had the other day! Whole wheat naan, baby carrots, turkey, and Trader Joe's Roasted Red Pepper Hummus.

The view from the Nationals Stadium! If you ignore that scaffolding, there's an awesome view of the Capitol.

Highweigh to Hell

(While I do love AC/DC, this is the Glee Cast version! I have, of course, been listening to the newest Glee songs nonstop. HOW FUN was the Madonna episode. PS Like a Prayer is my favorite Madge song and I was so happy they sang it. Loved their version.)

Weight this AM:

204.6!

A nice 3 pound loss from last week. Hooray! I’d say I earned it. Lots of water, a leeetle more exercise, healthy food choices, no booze, all that good stuff.

I don’t think I’ll be able to pull off 4.6 pounds before next week’s May weigh-in, which is fine. I know I’ll be close and I know I’ll hit Onderland IN May. So that’ll be good. I just need to keep trying and keep making good decisions and exercising and the numbers and pants sizes will follow.

And now, I write about my emotions, far too early on a Monday morning.

This isn’t an unheard of topic, but, it’s something on my mind now that I’m nearing Onederland: fear of success. Many of you/us talk about the fear of what happens next, after we reach a big goal or inch closer towards it every day. Being large is a safety net – we can say “I would do this but I’m too big” or “The fact that I’m this size is keeping me from doing *insert activity or whatever here*” but…when that’s taken away, we don’t have any more excuses. Will I get less funny the thinner I get? Will dating really be that much easier? Will I have the courage to try new things, when it’s more likely a fear of failure or looking stupid, rather than a fear of being fat that is keeping me from doing them?

Anyway, I’m bringing these things up to sort of…prepare myself? To put it out there so I don’t fall into these traps.

*
During SWL1 (Successful Weight Loss 1.0 – from 2007 to July of 2009 I lost 65 pounds) I got down to 197 in August of 08. I felt so great and I wrote in my journal at the time “I am NEVER going back to above 200!” and what did I do a few weeks later? You guessed it. The scale went up and KEPT going up until July of 09.

Now, there was a LOT that was going on in my life that affected me emotionally and I let it completely crush any motivation I had. I had lost the weight that put me under 200 while I was in London. I was living my dream. Working for an arts organization, in London, not living with my parents, I was just. me. I have never been happier than in those two months. And a ton of weight came off. I was eating well and walking everywhere. Even when the tube was available and we were given our transportation stipend…I walked. Just to do it. God I loved it.

Anyway, so I come back home, rode the London high for about a week, and then stopped eating well and exercising. I was so depressed to be back home. To be a dependent. To be still so closely tied to my parents, knowing full well that I should have been out on my own by then. There were additional issues happening then too that greatly contributed to my lack of emotional health, but this was a big factor. Sigh. And the weight slowly crept up, and then it shot up in Jan-July of 09.

I had the opportunity to look at things positively – to capitalize on my time in London and keep it going, even though I didn’t like the circumstances I was returning to. It’s not like they weren’t the same ones that I was living in two months prior before I left. I’m no psychologist, but maybe I let myself get bogged down in my emotions (I’m cutting myself a little slack because at that point, and definitely from Jan-July 09, I think my depression was pretty, uh, robust) and allowed myself to gain weight – some part of me was afraid of weighing less and less.

*

I haven’t weighed under 200 in maybe 7 or 8 years? I’m a little scared of the responsibility that comes with it, to be honest. The second half of my journey (the next 50 pounds) is harder – it’s harder to lose weight the smaller you get, and I’m afraid of the struggle. I’m afraid of how much harder I’m going to have to work and I’m scared of not being able to do it.

So I’m coming up on Onederland…and I find out this week or next whether or not I got that job. If I get it, it means I can make plans to move out. Now, the interview went well and (I looked snazzy thanks to you all, by the by. I went with the jacket and the coral top. Thank you for all your input! The coral was the one I had in my mind to begin with and I’m glad the majority vote was with me!) there is nothing I could have done better. But if I don’t get it…I have no other prospects on the horizon.

I just don’t want any potentially disappointing news to trigger anything – to then allow myself to be sent into a tailspin that involves reintroducing my hidden food stash under my bed, being anti-social and generally snarl-y.

Bleh. But that’s just something I wanted to get out. What I can do right now is just be mindful this week and make good choices. (and BLOG MORE, geeeeez!)

Walk This Weigh

Gotta make it quick!

Scale results: same as last week!

207.6

I'm...okay with it, and not okay with it. Sometimes I have a couple of weeks of maintenance like this, and I like to think it's the universe's way of giving me a break while I reassess. And by reassess I mean...eat out, have a few beers, and not really exercise. Though the last week as a whole, I ate healthy things, just MORE of them than I probably should have.

(except for last night when I was watching The Hurt Locker. I ate like 3 servings of chocolate cheerios...followed by a roll of fruit mentos...followed by a chocolate peppermint stick luna bar. Writing all that out now is....kind of gross. Anxiety eating? Not out of the question during that movie!)

So I think it's good to give myself a bit of a break but be able to maintain/not gain, but it's not good when I remember that I have, you know, goals and stuff.

I've got two weeks to get to Onederland, if I want the "weigh in the 100s by May" thing to happen...which I do. I could slack off and say "Well, as long as I get there at some point in May" but I don't want to do that. So I'm gonna work hard to eat right and get back in the gym. And if I don't get into Onederland, then at least I can be proud for trying.

I put my money where my mouth is this morning! Got my butt to the gym. Granted, because of gym-hours and time constraints I only got about a 24 minute workout, but I worked hard. I did the elliptical on hill-climb (I'm not ashamed to admit I do the ones designed for a great ass. I want one.) for 14 minutes and then did the treadmill for 10:30. On the treadmill I did a minute or so of walking, then a minute or so of running (at 6mph! that is a lot for me!) and then repeat. At one point I even did 2 minutes at 6mph! And my last rotation I did a minute and a half at 6.2mph.

One other thought: as much as I've tried to like it...I just don't really care for almond butter. Its peanut cousin has exclusive rights to my heart.

well I just did not see that coming...updates and scattered thoughts! (aren't all my posts like that, though, really? :-)

Sorry, my lovelies, that I didn't have time to post this AM. Decided to sleep instead :-) Did you know I have the sleep tendencies of most infants? It's true. I just. love. sleep. Can't get enough.

So this morning I was:

207.6!

Only .4 of a gain after the week I had? I'll TAKE it! A nice lucky break to start the day, and it only continued....

I walked into work to...utter chaos. Everyone saw me and comes RUSHING over in a frenzy about it being my last day (nobody knew until the email I sent out on Friday, informing them as much) and they essentially petitioned the office manager to keep me on through mid-May!

So I've got another month of work! (and a need to sit down and figure out when and how I can motivate myself to the gym. Need to try the whole AM thing again, it was really great for that one week!)

Though I did get a little bit of exercise in today! I took a nice long walk during my lunch break. It was a fairly brisk walk, maybe medium brisk? DC Geography Time! My office is at 21st and L, and I walked over to 17th and then down to the mall...over to 18th and back up and over to my office. I traced it on MapMyRun and it said it was almost 2.5 miles! It was beautiful and warm and sunny out today, I really enjoyed getting that Vitamin D!

***

Even though we are clearly poor bloggers for not taking a picture, Becca, Megan and I met up for lunch this Saturday! I had so much fun. We went to a thai place in Old Town Alexandria that is right on the water. Beautiful views and tasty food! I got a veggie tofu thing that I dominated. Yum! Becca and I have met once before but it was great to finally meet Megan. She's the gem that coined Kat and I as Bert and Ernie, so she's clearly very important!

***

I might go to Richmond AGAIN this weekend. I went about three weeks ago, and then two weeks before that. Apparently I can't get enough!

***

I am picking up my friend at the airport this Friday. I love picking people up at airports. I actually just love airports, period. I know, it's weird. I think I've mentioned this before. It's like the beginning of Love Actually, when they show all the people reuniting...that's my fave. I have so many vivid memories of reuniting with people at airports, and I love to watch other people experience it too. ...I choose to ignore the people that are leaving/separating, because it's sad and pokes a hole in my theory. That's the secret to living - just ignore the stuff that doesn't agree with you, right?

***

THIS:

Awesome.

Weighting for Guffman

Any Christopher Guest fans? This is Spinal Tap, For Your Consideration, Best in Show...all classics.

I have to drag myself to work today (I've already considered calling out 4 times this morning...) so I'll make this quick so I'm not sitting around any longer!

I'm at:

207.2

That's a 1.6 loss from last week! Not bad considering I only exercised twice - last Monday and yesterday :-P. Oops?

I obviously didn't reach my April goal of 201.8, but I'm getting closer! For the last two months I've lost about 9 pounds a month - that will get me into Onederland by next month if I keep it up - that's what I'm really concerned with! Though I wouldn't mind getting those monthly goals back on track...but I'm narrowing the gap!

Weighting for My Rocket to Come (colon, did you see what I did there)

I am really, really surprised at this morning’s number. After all my hard work this week, getting back into the gym at ridiculously early hours, and mindful and healthy eating…I just never…I really wanted to clear the 50 pound loss mark – I’ll say it, I sort of had my heart set on it.

So when I stepped on the scale and saw

208.8

Oh, did you not see that? Let me be a little louder, I’ll try not to wake the neighbors:

208.8

Ha! See what I did there? You thought I was headed straight to GainTown and I took a sharp left at ILostALOTville. Anyway, I am really surprised! As I said, I really was hoping for 210 so I could proudly say I cleared the 50 pound mark, it never occurred to me that I could PASS it!

(This does, also, also reinforce my beliefs that I did not weigh 215 last week – I indeed weighed myself over the next couple of days after last Monday’s weigh in, after my water consumption and eating leveled off and I was closer to 212/213, which makes a lot more sense for this week’s loss. I don’t know if I’d be happy if I lost 6.8 in one week – I’d be concerned b/c I don’t think I should really be losing that much. So the actual loss from last week is probably something like 4.2 or 3.2. Still a big number but a safe big number!)

So let’s talk goals. First of all, I can proudly say as of this morning, I have lost 51.8 pounds. I’m halfway there…

According to my monthly tracking: There’s no good way I can get down to 201.8 by next Monday (first week in April, I’m stretching out March…:-P) but I am definitely going to get as close as I can! In February, I was 7 pounds over my goal, in March I was 6 pounds over…so I just want to close that gap as much as I can so that 1: I can get down inte Onederland by/in May, and 2: start changing those blacks to greens instead of black to reds!

My other sidebar goals: since I say Onederland/Move out of home by May…I’m pretty sure I can only realistically accomplish one of them, and it doesn’t involve moving boxes. (Unless you count packing up some old clothes and emotional baggage, HIIYOOOOOOOO) So it’s really important to me to get the weight half, because I don’t want to set it and then not get it. I’m not Ron Popile.*

But it’s all one day at a time. I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I’m really guilty of the “If I keep going like this, I’ll lose this many more pounds by this day and THEN I’ll REALLY show ‘em!” There are so many things wrong with that statement. So I’m just going to focus in on the now, and be really happy that I came back from my fairly deep slump in January. There are a lot of things that still aren’t going my way (hello, I need a permanent, full time job. PLEASE!) so I need to appreciate the things that are going well, and just keep working. For example, I’m sitting here in my gym clothes and after I hit Publish, I’m gonna run downstairs, grab some breakfast, pack my lunch and my snacks and then head out to sweat a little bit.

*I love you if you can connect the dots of my thoughts on this one – Ron Popile, the informercial guy? Inventor of the Set It And Forget It? See what I did there, with the goals? Haha. Also, we have a Set It and Forget It, and it comes with an instructional video that tells you, explicitly, to not set it and forget it. Because they assume that you will probably do it wrong and if you forget it, you’ll burn your house down. Seriously. ...I love infomercials. What fun infomercial stuff do you have?

That's the Weigh Love Goes

Ha, well, Taylor was not as kind to me this morning. I'd go as far as saying she was HARSH.

215.6!

Up 4.6 from last week? Wow. Yikes. It sucks, and I'm disappointed because it's like I have to drop those 4 pounds all over again...and it would have been nice to get to a 50 pound loss...but at the same time, considering my weekend, I feel like some of it might be a last minute reaction from the scale in terms of my water intake (or lack of, in my case) and such. So I'm just gonna try and make this week better!

Ha, you'll notice whenever I gain, I'm like "It's just the scale!" and whenever I lose a bunch, "It's my hard work and dedication reflected accurately in the scale!" Iiiiinteresting.

***

In other news, I'm toying with the idea of switching gyms. As I read all of your blogs, and read about all the things that yours offers, I'm getting a little envious. Mine is great for the price ($30 a month), it's right by my house, and it's all women so I'm not intimidated...but it doesn't offer much. There aren't any good classes (and when there are they often get cancelled), there is one shower and I've never seen anyone use it (shady), and there aren't any other locations (like in the city, so I could go before/after/during work) I can go to. I want a gym I can be excited about, that I can really, I dunno, sink my teeth into, if you will. I could probably come up with a better metaphor/visual for that, but, you get what I mean, right?!

I don't want to pay too much more than I already do, but I would be willing to invest a little more to get back a little more, ya know? Where do you go? If you have any advice about good deals in my area (DC/Northern Virginia) email me or get in touch! I'm easily persuaded :-)

***

A biiiiiiig thank you to 266 and Scuttleboose for giving me awards! I have to skedaddle to get ready for work, but I will surely do the required steps later this evening :-)

omg...are you ready for this one....The Weigh I Meal

TWO-FER! Ha! I can hear you all groaning and I love it. You know, I'm not really that big into puns or that kind of humor but...for some reason...if I can get you all to roll your eyes (so much that I can hear it through my monitor) then I think I've accomplished something.

Also, any Matt Wertz fans out there? I enjoy him.

Clearly I'm in a good mood, so you can guess the kind of conversation that T-Dawg and I had this morning:

211

on the dot! That's a 3.8 loss from last week! I really worked hard on my choices last week so I'm happy it was reflected in the scale.

Also, here's my food from yesterday...it doesn't seem like a lot, but I woke up late and went to bed early, so I was full allllllll day, trust.

*Breakfast:

*egg scramble: ½ cup egg subst., 1 chorizo chicken sausage, ½ cup bell pepper frozen veggie mix, a dash of cayenne pepper
*1 Trader Joe’s mini whole wheat bagel with 1 tbsp polaner’s sugar free raspberry jam
*1 scoop Amazing Grass Chocolate GreenSuperFood mix with 8 oz unsweetened vanilla almond milk

Lunch:

*1/2 cup fage 0% greek yogurt mixed with: heaping tbsp of peanut butter, 1 scoop Amazing Grass Chocolate GreenSuperFood mix, about 1/2 cup of granola

Dinner:

*sandwich: garlic naan, 3 falafal balls, 2 tbsp tzatziki sauce, alfalfa sprouts, romaine lettuce

******

Here's hoping today will be a good one for everyone!

PS - the other day I had another one of my Steaz Zero Calorie Black Cherry Sparkling Green Tea (I think I'm gonna get carpal tunnel from typing that out every time) and this was the bottlecap message:

Damn straight, Steaz! (please excuse the poor manicure)

Carlito's Weigh

I’m back! Haha, I took a break Sunday because…you can guess how one feels after spending a night with her old college friends? Fun, but…I was a little slower than usual on Sunday!

The rest of Saturday’s eating was okay…I had lunch out with other old college friends, I got a sandwich called The Rhysdale: “Smoked turkey, cranberry spread, herbed cream cheese & petit greens” It was really good! And, okay, I got it with sweet potato fries. Which were delicious. But I left some of everything on the plate, even though I wanted to inhale it!

Dinner wasn’t really dinner, it was grazing at the food set out at the party. I ate a little more because I was also drinking (see: Sunday, slow moving) and I didn’t want things to get unfortunate! I had some grapes, a few potato chips and tortilla chips, a small piece of cheese, LOTS of cucumber slices and baby carrots, a few dips of hummus, wheat thins, bread/cheese things called mozzarella bites, oh and a few bites of this cheese dip stuff. It was all pretty tasty. I drank more than I normally do, but definitely not to the extent that I did in my actual college days! So I’m okay with it, and choosing to ignore the amount of calories I may have ingested that night!

On Sunday, after driving home, I had breakfast/lunch, (Trader Joe’s chicken tikka malala and a piece of tandoori naan) and then tried to stay awake…and failed. I took a really long nap. Then I did a little housekeeping, drank a chocolate greensuperfood mix, then went to bed.

But true to form, I got on the scale this morning!

214.8

I’ll take it! It’s 2 pounds less than last week and includes a day off AND night of drinking, so I can’t complain!

(oh also, you’ll notice I’m posting this a bit later…I took a mental health day from work – after a weekend?, you say skeptically…yes, after a weekend, I basically have anxiety every time I go into work so…I didn’t really feel like it today)

Now I’m off to go see if I can make my day somewhat productive. We’ll see how that works out!

Twistin' the Night Aweigh

Who doesn't love a lil Sam Cooke reference in the morning? I certainly do.

So, T-Dog and I are buddies this morning:

216.8

WOO!

That’s 3.6 down from last week. Totally happy with that. Though I’m over my March starting off point, I think I made a good dent this week in catching up to it.

It also means I lost 9 pounds this month, and I am definitely happy about that!

(For those of you that are new and/or not familiar with my strangeness, T-Dog is short for Taylor, which is the name of my scale. Because that's the brand name. I name my inanimate objects, but that doesn't mean I have to be creative! I named my car too - her name is Daisy. I have a friend whose iPod is named Bridget. Does anyone else name inanimate objects in their life?)

Any Weigh You Want It

This morning Taylor says:

220.4

Same as last week! To be honest with you, my initial reaction is frustration, but I think considering I ate my weight in peanut butter puffins this weekend, it’s okay. I’m going to accept my maintain.

(Sarah, re: your comment, I am NOT buying any more of these after this box is done...there's maybe 1/4 of the box left now and that's after having it for two days! Haha, it's not good. These are a total danger zone. I wonder if I could rig up a system like in greeting cards where everytime I open the pb puffins box it plays Highway To The Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins.)

In other news, my sad little giveaway ended, and KatDoesDiets is the winner! Hooray!

In other other news, I made it through all the stages with another EHarmony Guy. EHarmony Guy 2, I guess. EHarmony Guy: The Squeakuel. EHarmony Guy: The Empire Strikes Back. Anyway, he’s actually one of the guys I initiated contact with, so that’s cool I guess. We’re meeting next Sunday afternoon. We’ll see what happens!

*Speaking of Highway To The Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins, I had that as my ringtone for about a year...do you know how many smiles and laughs and compliments I got on it?! Haha, seriously, if random people heard my phone ring they'd come up to me and be like "That's. Awesome." People love them some Top Gun.

Gone Aweigh From Me

It's 6:15am as I type this, and I have to go to work today. Work on a holiday, sheesh! I'm still temping at the same place, and the "big events" that we've been gearing up for are happening at the end of this week. I basically have to front-load all my hours the first three days of the week. They told me not to be surprised if I knock out my 40 hours by Wednesday. Well then.

But you don't care so much about that, do you? I just wanted to start us off with something other than this, what I really wanted to say:

220.4 IN YO' FACE SUCKA!

Mind you, good looking reader, that you are in no way the Sucka to which I am referring. Just a general exclamation (albeit a bit aggressive and/or fratty fratster) that shows my struggles are paying off. I feel like I'm scraping by; like I'm trying so hard but I still don't feel like I'm making progress.

I still feel like I go through an internal battle every time I eat something of good vs. evil, but I am making a difference! I'm down like 4 pounds from last week.

It's a good way to start the day, that's for sure!

***

One other thing before I go, lovelies. I want to start having better blogging practices again. Two things have been on my mind:

1 - The name of my blog is 100in12 - I feel like I've abandoned that journey completely. Not that I'm no longer trying to lose weight, but...that specific goal feels like it's almost all but slipped away. I don't like that, because it's very me. I'm good at starting things and terrible at finishing them. So I want to make an effort to try and return to my former glory of a few months ago.

2- I miss you guys. I miss commenting on your blogs and hearing about your days and your struggles and victories.

3 - I realize this is like the eighteenth time I've made this pledge. Yuck.

4 - I AM DOING THAT DAMN GIVEAWAY THIS WEEK. I AM.

Weigh I Am

224! That's down from last week, HOLLER!

Other updates:

*May be making a real life, actual EHarmony date soon. Totally nervous. I'm still expecting to show up and be stood up. The whole "he looks in the window and sees me sitting there, and then bolts" scenario.  I really need some self esteem.

*No work today, and I still can't go anywhere because of the snow. I tried this morning - barely got down the road, and turned around and came back home. It's still really bad out there. Having a Corolla doesn' help. I love my baby and I don't want her out in this nonsense.

*It's a real challenge to keep myself from sitting inside and eating all day. Normally if I'm awake in the early hours, it's because I have work - but now I don't and I'm not sleepy...so my instinct is to eat. From boredom. Or to bake and THEN eat, also from boredom. Yikes. This is going to be a tough week for me. Oh, plus, being anxious about the potential EHarmony date also makes me want to eat. Ugh.

*I talked to The Matriarch (from The Family, if you remember) the other day during the snowstorm. It wasn't 4 minutes into the conversation when she asked me if I was still going to the gym. I told her I was, but not as often. And then she launched into talking about the Wii Fit and all that. It...irritated me to no end. I had a dream about this same kind of scenario the other day, but it was real life this time. I just wanted to say to her:

"The FIRST thing you bring up with me is always food and or exercising. Always. It's always about the weight - with me, with you, with somebody. Are you physically capable about talking about other things, at the very least to make me feel like you love me for reasons OTHER than how much I weigh?!" 

I know a large part of my annoyance was because I'm not happy with where I am in my "journey", and I don't want someone making me confront it. On the other hand, when she was here back in September, she did the same thing - asking me about my gym habits and what I was doing, and how I was "making her feel bad" for all the work I was doing...I still hated it, and I was doing really well. AGHHH!!! It just makes me so mad. It makes me want to not talk to her, and that makes me sad.

Eh...I didn't want to end on a sad/irritated note, because now I have myself all riled up again over it. I'm gonna go try and find something to do that doesn't involve me eating myself out of house and home.

YEESH

Hi again. I'm so sorry it's been an entire week. I'm writing this in the morning as I'm getting ready for work - I'm thinking this temp job is going to last a few more weeks, which is good. So anyway, I'm gonna get down to business.

My weight this week is: 225.8. Good in that I maintained, bad in that it's my starting/ending weight for the month, and this is the first time I haven't met (and obliterated) my goal. So that's sad, because honestly I feel like I'm out of control. Things aren't awful but I don't feel myself getting better, either.

I do really well in the mornings and afternoons. My breakfast and lunch and snacks are healthy. And then I get home after work and I don't care anymore. And forget about the weekends.

And no exercise, either. Other than the 4 flights of stairs I have to climb up to get to my car in the Metro parking garage. 

I hate that I'm sliding backwards. And that I can't stop myself from buying horrid food at the grocery store. It honestly feels like I'm punishing myself; like I'm aware of it but I still can't stop it. Man, if I could afford therapy you know where I'd be right now.

And that's it, really - there are two things I'm realizing. One, I just mentioned. I probably need to be in therapy. Did I tell you already that I did that once? In 2008, for about 6 months - as a student, my school allows you something like 12 sessions for free, so I went. It was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. 

The other thing is that I REALLY need to move out of my house. I feel like it's crushing me. It's crushing who I want to be. I understand that moving out is somewhat of a "quick fix", hence the need for therapy, but it absolutely has to happen. I'm still applying for jobs, and haven't gotten any call-backs in a while, but I'm working on it. Moving out NEEDS to happen.

So I guess I'm realizing I'm not in a good place right now, emotionally that is. Maybe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Maybe I have real depression. Maybe some weird gray area between the two. Or maybe I'm just feeling poorly because I'm eating poorly. Regardless, it's not good any way you cut it.

But let's focus on the positives, shall we?

1- I've been working. Money is always good. I don't think this will turn into a permanent position, but I'm hoping I can still network and make some contacts along the way.

2 - My morning and afternoon eating have been good. I've been packing myself good stuff again. Arnold's thin, greek yogurt, string cheese, V8, Progresso soup(! Yeah, I have like 4 reviews to do. They're tasty and they're forthcoming, I promise) and water. I'm in dire need of fruits and vegetables, though. I haven't bought any in a while. (That's probably why I've been sick with a flu/cold for a week...ugh)

3 - EHarmony: Haven't been on an actual date yet, but there are some potential suitors. No one has popped on the screen yet, but all in good time. I've done some pursuing that hasn't really worked out, and people are pursuing me. So there are things happening but nothing's really happening yet. Ha :-P

*****

I'm sorry for the all-business-no-silliness post. I miss you guys, I really do. There has been so much going on and I've been avoiding this blog world. I see people losing weight and exercising and leaving me in the dust. It doesn't make a girl feel good. But I know it's my own doing. Sigh. 

The crazy thing is, despite the fact that I have my first "red" monthly goal over there, I don't feel too bad about staying at the same weight. I went up a week or two, and I'd love it if I could go back down.

It's hard to know when you're sensationalizing everything, and when you really need to address serious problems, you know? I tend to exaggerate and blow things out of proportion - and I want to hold myself accountable while also being nice to myself. Is such a thing possible?

(Also, apologies for the broken-stream-of-consciousness-writing, and probable spelling errors - I got up at 5am today. Ew.)

She Moves in Secret Weighs

Heeyyooooo! Back with the pun-ny post titles. How do you like that. I'm not making any promises, because it's actually really tough to come up with one for "meal" and "food" every day. I'm running out of ideas. If you have any ideas for those, send them my way! I'll even credit you :-)

Okay, so you'll notice my cheerful disposition and excessive use of smiley emoticons and exclamation marks. I...LOST WEIGHT.

I literally don't know how this is possible. In fact I kind of think it's unfair given the week that I've had even if I did sort of get my head together the past few days. I'm not about to give the lost weight back to the scale, but...I dunno, it feels different when you know you didn't earn it, right?

This is what Taylizzle told me this morning:

217

That's a 1.8 pounds from last week. I am dumbfounded and happy and weirded out but I'm gonna roll with it and have a better week this week.

(and thanks for your comments on the vlog. it made coming out of the blogset much easier, hehe! I guess the reason I stayed anonymous at first was because I was afraid if my friends ever stumbled upon this blog, they would see my weight and I would be embarrassed. But at this point, I should be proud to show off what I've accomplished, rather than ashamed of what I haven't yet, right? That's how I should feel, now I just have to get there!)

(oh and Rebecca, let me know when you're in Baltimore! We're totally hanging out. Done deal.)

(I'm just gonna keep going with this whole parenthetical post, and tell you that I just got a new winter coat - because I have great timing and all - from Target on clearance. It was $7.50! It's a cute salmon-pink pea coat. It's an XXL and I can button it but it's not comfortable. And yet I have an XXL dress of theirs that is big on me now...their sizing confuses me. But anyway, this coat is on the "Must Lose Weight To Wear" list!)

Heeeeey bloggers (said in Buster Bluth voice)

Holy 101 followers, batman! I had no idea - I've been avoiding my blog given my lack of posting, and so I didn't know I hit the 100 mark until just now. The last time I looked it was at 96 and I half expected it to go down instead of up.

Thanks to you five for totally making my day.

So.

I've spent the past week with my friends; we spent every day together and watched movies, played video games, did jigsaw puzzles, cooked, ate, laughed, did a little bit of drinking on NYE and spent 3 hours skype-ing with our dear friend in the Air Force, currently overseas.

I did very little but I am very happy.

I weighed myself this morning. I know this is now Week 3 of being "off track" or whatever you want to call it, but I think the minute (or week) that I don't weigh myself is the week things really go downhill. Regardless of the number, stepping on that scale is still an acknowledgement that I'm trying to lose weight. Right? Maybe that's what I'm telling myself to feel better, but I think there's at least a shred of truth to it.

Hoooooo boy was I lucky. I am actually not sure how this is accurate, but what the hell!

218.8.

Same.

As.

Last.

Week.

After a week of: ice cream, s'mores, burger and fries, pizza, bagels, chinese food, sandwiches and chips, chocolate, wine, diet coke (I actually had one regular coke yesterday b/c my friend was out of the dc...the regular coke was gross. do not like.) and many other similar foods I'm sure I'm forgetting. 

I am not going to bother trying to figure out why I was given such a gift. Instead I'm going to thank my lucky stars.

Thank you, lucky stars, whom- or what- or wherever you might be.

(oh PS: thing I still refuse to eat: fast food. Cannot and will not bring myself to eat it. I had about 8,234 opportunities to eat Burger King this week and I refused. That is by far the thing I'm proudest of this week, even though I ate a million other bad things. Not going back to fast food is still a victory.)

I'm still here, guys. I promise. Hope you're still stopping by every once in a while. I'm gonna get back to it. I owe it to myself.* Also I've got two fun things coming up to tell you about so get ready for that.

My parents leave for Florida tomorrow. I can set up my Wii and Wii Fit (Christmas gift, hooray!) in the basement on our gigantor TV and try it out, and get back to the gym now that Operation No Exercise To Spite Mother (biggest eye roll in the history of eye rolls) is over.

*I don't 100 % believe this** but I'm trying out the "Fake It Til You Make It" approach and seeing how it works for me.



**OHHHH THE LACK OF SELF-WORTH, you are rich.

[Edit: I rearranged the stuff on the side, I need to see those monthly goals at the top to remind myself of what is going on! I got lucky in maintaining these two weeks and I cleared January's goal, so I need to start thinking about heading in a southerly direction in the scale to keep up with my targets!]