I am going to make up for my absence with pictures? Maybe?

So it's been a while. Ups and downs, amazing places, bad food and good food. But today I'm in a pretty good place, all things considered. So here are some pictures.

In June my dear friend from high school got married to a lovely girl from the Czech Republic; so a handful of us went over for the wedding. After a few days in Pilsen, I departed for Rome for 3 days on my own. It was spectacular.

I saw and ate amazingly wonderful things.

I went to California a month later for my godbrother's wedding, and to meet my godsister's new baby. I don't have any pictures from that...oops? But it was great.

After I got back I wasn't feeling great, I was spending too much money on delivery (and too many calories, natch) food and I was just feeling physically (and emotionally) weighed down.

So the past couple of weeks, I've been doing better. If you follow me on twitter you can see that I just synced  an app (Noom, for Android) I have that tracks your exercise and meals. Even if it's just walking, it tracks you via GPS which is brilliant. The meals thing is interesting, and I use it as more of an estimate b/c I am also keeping a Food/Mood journal as part of therapy.

I am hesitant about exercise, because I have this idea in my head (especially with sharing it on Twitter) that I have to be running 5 miles and lifting weights for an hour and be "proud" of my exercise and compete with everyone else. That walking for 20 or 30 minutes isn't good enough. Because I CAN run, even for short periods of time, but I'm embarrassed that I'm so limited. And I'm not competitive when it comes to fitness, I don't have any fitness-related goals, really. I just want to be healthy and weigh less. I have Noom set up for me to weigh 150 pounds, which, is really lofty, I know. But I'm just taking it day by day, and trying to keep my office and home stocked with healthy things that take little or no time to put together.

Including, my version of a McGriddle:

That is 1 piece of Arnold's Double Fiber bread, 1 piece of Sorrento's Cheddar/Mozarella cheese, egg substitute, 1 Jimmy Dean Turkey sausage, and 1 TBSP of Hungry Jack syrup on the bread. It's much better calorie and fat content-wise, but of course, healthier breakfasts exist :) But it's an enjoyable breakfast!

I'm having some work and relationship woes (the dude overseas in Iraq...that whole mess is still in existence) but I'm really trying so hard not to turn to food. There are days where I want to come home and burrow in my couch and order too much Thai food. But this past week I've stopped myself. Sometimes the incentive of saving money overrides the health aspect, but I'll take it either way.

I weighed myself last week, Monday I think? And I was at 238.2. So I'll probably check again tomorrow or Tuesday (and update in Noom, of course) and see how it goes. I just want to take it day by day and be grateful for what I have.

i am not clever today. but while i'm here, you know what's awesome? Girl Talk. the end. continue reading.

This morning I went to therapy, and brought a breakfast of oatmeal and blueberries and tea with me. Then I had therapy, and of course, cried, like I always do. Then I went to yoga, sweated a LOT (and it wasn’t even hot yoga :-P) and at the end, cried a little too. Something about taking all the bad energy out and replacing it with good made me realize how MUCH bad energy and negative thoughts I have right now.

I am almost wholly unhappy. And I will admit to having a tough time seeing the brighter side. I know there is one, and I’m smart enough to know that I am lucky enough to have things that others don’t. But I’m internally unhappy. I can’t remember the last time I genuinely laughed, like that kind of laugh that comes from your core and is pure happiness emanating from you.

But I’m trying. The wellbutrin is fine – I feel like I’ve evened out now, I don’t feel that “ENERGYOMFGLOLZBBQLMNOP!@#” that I did in the beginning, which was probably psychosomatic. Which is fine. But it helps me by allowing me not to spend any of my positive energy forcing myself to shower, brush my teeth, talk to people…that feels more natural and I can try and focus some positivity towards myself….if that makes sense. Too much therapy-talk? Maybe. Is this a LOT of navel-gazing? Probably.

So…things aren’t great. But I’m trying. I ate a good breakfast, and I’m doing yoga once a week, and over time I want to build it up to 2 times, maybe 3 if I can afford it. And my counselor had me order a book about eating disorders (mine being emotional eating and some binge eating – never purging, but still the binge eating) so I hope I can do some hard work there and have a better relationship with food. And with myself.

A few weeks ago I weighed myself and I was 238. And yesterday I weighed myself and I was 234. So I’m happy about that. But I’m being careful not to feel or think that “THIS IS IT! This is THE time that it works! I’m on my way and never looking back!” Do I want that? Of course I do. But I’m trying to be careful with myself this time around.

I say a lot of things and never actually do them. I’m trying the reverse this time, I guess.

I miss you guys. 

Q&A

Q: Soooo where have you been, missy?

A: Um, generally hiding and being unhappy with life.

Q: Have you been eating well?

A: Do you consider a new obsession with McGriddles “well”?

Q: What about exercising?

A: The five minute walk from the metro to my office (and back again) and walking up the escalators.

Q: So…no, is what you’re saying.

A: Yeah, no.

Q: How much do you weigh?

A: Somewhere in the 230-240 range is my guess. I haven’t weighed myself in a few weeks, and that was many sausage, egg, cheese on a croissants ago, so it’s anybody’s guess.

Q: What’s your deal with breakfast sandwiches?

A: I don’t know, man, I don’t know.

Q: So what brings you here anyway?

A: A lack of motivation to do work on a Friday?

Q: No but really.

A: To say that, I went to the doctor a few times and found out I have borderline high cholesterol, so, I actually do need to eat better, McGriddles aside.

Q: How many McGriddles have you had!?

A: Actually just one, yesterday morning. But holy hell was it amazing.

Q: Anything else you’d like to share?

A: Yeah. Wellbutrin. I mean, I don’t want to share my stash but I started taking it yesterday. Between a really mentally/emotionally unhealthy work environment and my weight gain due to stress and emotional eating, I’m really unhappy…and I’ve been seeing a therapist for about a month which has been great but I need some extra help. Plus Wellbutrin is a stimulant and an appetite suppressant…

Q: Do you want Wellbutrin to do all the diet and exercise work for you?

A: Yep.

Q: You realize that’s ridiculous.

A: Yep.

Q: Well how do you feel so far?

A: Um, I’m sure a lot of it is only psychosomatic at this point, but, I feel good. It feels like I have more energy to do the basic things like…showering, brushing my teeth, cooking for myself, that were a struggle to do before, which were fairly clear signs of depression. And whether it’s psychosomatic or actually working, I’ll take it either way.

Q: Yeah that’s true. Well good!

A: Thank you. I was initially scared to admit that I might need it, and it felt like I was admitting that something is fundamentally wrong with me – even though counseling has taught me better, I still have perfectionist tendencies and I have issues with something being “wrong” with me. But I’m an adult and it’s my job to make myself feel better, so I’m trying.

Q: That sounds reasonable.

A: Sure, I guess. We’ll see in a couple of weeks when it takes effect.

Q: So, a low-cholesterol diet, hm?

A: IT’S LIKE THEY’RE TAKING AWAY MY HAPPINESS.

Q: Whoa there tiger.

A: I’m sorry, I know.

Q: Is this still about McGriddles?

A: THEY HAVE LITTLE TINY POCKETS OF MAPLE SYRUP THAT BLEND IN WITH THE SAVORY FLAVORS! IT’S GENIUS.

empty your hands and look up

i did a yoga dvd today (neflix streaming)

my breakfast was: a cup of coffee, and an egg scramble with egg substitute, a sprinkling of feta cheese, and frozen spinach, peppers and onions. and ketchup, of course.

i have my first voice/singing lesson tonight at 8pm.

i finished doing ALL of my laundry and have started a pile of clothing to donate or give away.

celebrate the good things.

headlights on dark roads - snow patrol

"I will reach out and take it....'cause I'm so tired of all this fear"

I still sort of feel like a phony with the blogging and the tweeting again. But I have been repeating to myself all day...health & happy, healthy & happy. That seems to help.

I went to Zumba tonight! I pride myself on being able to dance - I have rhythm and some moves, but...I was TERRIBLE at it! But that's okay, it was fun; I'm looking forward to going back and getting better. And it's fun to sort of treat it like dance class, too. And I really like the instructor, she was cool. So yay! Now to see if I am sore tomorrow...

The eats of the day (side note: this is so sad....but I ate ALL THREE meals at work today. So...unfortunate) were pretty good!

Packet of emergen-c with water (I wouldn’t list it, but it is technically 25 calories, and if it has calories, it gets mentioned!)

Breakfast: pomegranate Chobani, half of a whole wheat bagel thin with PB&Co The Bees Knees peanut butter...the best peanut butter in our solar system.

Lunch: an orange! (I cannot remember the last time I had an orange…), and a sandwich: trader joe’s multi-grain bread, half a laughing cow wedge, one slice white American cheese, a few ounces of low-sodium turkey breast, and a slice and a half of avocado

Snack: chocolate peppermint stick luna bar

Dinner: Spa Lean Cuisine, Apple Cranberry Chicken

And lots of water and a cup or two of green tea.

I feel good. I feel good that I'm doing good things for myself. I am still having a lot of trouble with Bill (CRAP THERE GOES THE BAN...didn't even last one. freaking. day.) and looking for his praise to guide how I'm feeling. I need to fix this. I hope it comes with practice, and with time. I want to be able to do it without having to cut him out of my life...it's not his fault I have low self-esteem and he can't live up to my unrealistic expectations and constant need for validation...if it wasn't him it'd be someone else. It needs to be ME for once. I think this is going to take just as much work as losing weight...

healthy and happy...healthy and happy.

I have to write to supplement my attempts at talking.

I'm bad at talking to you. Case and point:

Okay there used to be a video here - but I'm dumb and can't figure out its formatting with the new blog template - here is the link to the YouTube video! My channel! All two videos! http://www.youtube.com/user/100in12

Point the first: CHINZ I HAZ THEM.
Point the second: Maybe I'll get better at talking. Maaaaybe.

So, what AM I talking about, exactly?

I'm sick of myself, the way I am now. Right now I'm still clinging to Bill**, we'll call him (that is not his real name), the guy I was dating last year that left a few weeks ago to work overseas for a year as a contractor. It's a long story that isn't worth telling, really...but here are the major points: We went on our first date in September, in December we really started spending a lot more time together, and on New Years he said I Love You, (I love/d him too) and he left on the 14th of January. (I knew this going in, he had already applied to the job before we met, and found out he got it like 2 weeks after our first date) He's going to be in a middle-eastern country for a year, and he doesn't know what he wants to do afterwards, which includes potentially NOT coming back to the DC area. We're keeping in touch and he tells me he loves me, that he misses me, and that I mean a lot to him....but as far as I know we aren't together. He's a great guy, and he cares about me, but his head is ultimately somewhere else.

I lost myself, I'll admit it. I lived for his validation. I still kind of feel like I do, even though he's far away. But I need to really make the effort to let go. I still love him, and want to continue to do so, but I need to get back to myself. I need hobbies, for goodness' sake!

Fun stuff coming up this summer that I referenced:

*A week in Prague and London for a high school friend's wedding
*A week in California for my godbrother's wedding
*My 10 year high school reunion! EEPS!

So like I said, some things that I want to feel happy for. I deserve to be happy and healthy, but it's going to take some work. We all know this.

Tuesday through Thursdays at my gym (yeah...the one I haven't been to since July of 2010...) at 6:30 they have dance/exercise classes. Tuesdays are hip hop, Wednesdays are Cardio Dance, and Thursdays are Zumba. I'm going. I'M GOING TO THESE.

I also have a Living Social deal for one month of unlimited Bikram yoga at this one studio on the Hill. I haven't used it yet...I'm working up the courage - I'm absolutely scared to go, being so large. I'm afraid I will pass out or vomit in front of a room full of strangers. I have to start it by March, so time's ticking on this one!

I have been better in the past week with eating. Vegetables. Cooking, not eating out. It hasn't been perfect, but it's better. Drinking water, taking vitamins...eating deliberately.

That's what I want. To get healthy and happy. For me.

(**NOTE: This is the last time I will talk about him..I'm banning it from this blog and my general everyday conversation topics...unless he ends up doing something SUPER out-of-character-romantic...which won't happen.)

the ups and the downs

today:

breakfast was two chicken sausage links and scrambled eggs with some heinz 57 sauce
then i had about 4 lifesaver gummies and like 5 kitkat minis (fuck you, halloween!)
then i had chick-fil-a for lunch - root beer, about 9-10 chicken nuggets, and 95% of the small/medium waffle fries

then i went for a run! map my run said it was 1.92 miles. i was gone for about 45 minutes...i guarantee only like 10 of that was actual running. but i got out there!

up next, we have a happy hour with my grad school program alums. at the cheesecake factory. SIGH. at least i was smart and looked up the nutritional facts beforehand...because...yeesh. i'm going to plan for a glass of wine, some edamame, and if i get peer pressured into cheesecake, make someone split it with me and only have a couple of bites. we'll see if i can stick to it :-P

current thoughts

* Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Cream Cheese might be the most amazing thing on the planet.

* I just ordered some stuff from the Breathe fragrance here: http://www.lollialife.com/ ...I’m gonna make out with myself, that’s how good it smells.

* Tonight for dinner I steamed some chopped kale, spinach, zucchini and broccoli and mixed it with some goat cheese and chicken. This was my first time cooking in months, but also my first time eating VEGETABLES in lord knows how long. It was really good. I’m an adult! Sometimes!

* I bought vitamins today. I hope I can make a habit of them.

* I weigh 216. I'm okay with it...just okay. I want to see it go down.

* A boy called me vivacious today. I think I’m gonna keep that one (the adjective, not the boy) in my back pocket for a while.

It's these little things. These little things peppered throughout the day that I need to pay attention to, to focus on. I'm all about the baby steps right now. No, I haven't made it into the gym yet. But I will, I'm letting myself get there when I get there. I know I'm headed there and that's enough for me, I'm being careful and slow and deliberate to ease myself back into being here and truly taking care of myself.

It really does take a lot of effort and time and I want to get it right. That's the health stuff but it's also the boy stuff. (and not even with the one that called me vivacious....what a tangled web I weave...)

There's an ongoing...something...happening and I'm working up the courage to broach the "tell me how you feel about me" conversation, and that is HUGE for me. Something like that takes a lot of self-respect and self-worth and you all reading this know on which side of that line I often stand. Especially because I think in my gut it won't be what I want to hear (I want this to be something meaningful) but I'm going to do my best to keep my mind and my ears open but still not accept less than what I deserve. And then of course, actually follow through on what I said and not chicken out. I am REALLY good at chickening out!

So there's that.

(How often do I tag food, dating, emotions, and thought? That is my LIFE right now!)

The one in which I try to make up for my absence with semi-interesting pictures

HI.

Well, a whole month without blogging, what have I been up to?

*WORKING. My new job is great. I'm admittedly still in the honeymoon phase, but the people are great, there is SO much potential for me to really step up my game and achieve a lot professionally, and it's in an awesome area of the city and I love going there everyday.

*TURNING 27: This past Thursday (the 27th!) was my birthday! I am now 27. This is MY YEAR, people. It's been officially declared. So I've got a lot to accomplish, and you bet your ass losing weight is one of those things.

*TRYING TO MOVE. I've been looking for apartments (rooms, really) to move into. I've been looking mostly in Virginia, as I do not want to step foot inside a DMV during this process - not to mention all the money it would cost to switch over tags and what not. No thank you.

Moving is really like interviewing all over again. I'm using Craigslist, so the good/legit ads have a lot of competition. I've gotten "turned down" for one place, and I saw 2 rooms this week and they should be making a decision soon. I really sort of fell in love with one, and I hope I get it, but we'll see.

(I also put feelers out to my friends about moving out and being a potential roommate, but no one has responded...I don't think I know anyone that is in that point in their life)

The good news about moving is that I'm not at all stressed about it. It's okay if I let myself be hopeful, because the entire world isn't riding on me finding a place. Granted, it's important, but I'm in no rush. And that's a nice position to be in.

*NEW GYM. I did it - I signed up for another gym. It sucks that I'm carrying two right now - I can't quit my other one until September when my contract is up. But I hadn't been in weeks and I just hated that it didn't have enough to offer. So I joined one that is about 2 blocks from my office - and has locations in my current town, and like 5 more all in the areas where I am looking to move. So I've got my bases covered there.

Have I been going? YES. Haha, a couple of times. I still need to set up an appointment to be "shown" the gym, and they give you a free fitness consultation and all of that and show you the weights - so I've only been on cardio so far, but it's good. They also have a nice locker room and tons of showers that are clean and nice, and it's a good deal. I'm actually paying 2 dollars LESS for this gym than my old one!

*EATING. Eating has been a mixed bag. I'm pretty good during the day, breakfast and lunch and snacks are all the normal, healthy things I've been eating. Dinner is the problem. I come home and I'm tired, and I don't have the strength a lot of days to fight the urge to eat a hot dog (fine, TWO) or make a sandwich with a gigantic pile of chips, etc etc. I never win that battle, and I need to figure out a way so that I can.

In terms of weight gain, as of this past Wednesday I was at 208. To tell you the truth, I'm not all that upset. Do I want it to continue going up? Not at all, in fact, if you can believe it, I want it to go back down. But I can only balance so much. I'm giving my eating attention, don't get me wrong, but not my full attention.

HAVING FUN! I've been hanging out with my friends, going to baseball games, being touristy in my own city, all good stuff. And a lot of fun stuff planned this summer, too. Concerts, drinks with friends, Screen on the Green, Jazz in the Sculpture Garden (these last two both being very fun DC Young Professional-type things), one and maaaybe two beach trips - this is going to be a great summer.

***

So basically I still care about losing weight and getting healthy - it's just about 3rd or 4th on the list of things I am working on. The whole 100in12 thing isn't going to happen, and I guess on one hand it's disappointing that it won't happen, but if I can accomplish a shitload of things in the meantime then, we're doing allright.

I'll try and blog more. This one was mostly out of guilt that I hadn't been here in so long, and some of you were concerned. I'll tell you this - I definitely don't want to give up completely. This blog is SUCH a source of happiness for me, regardless of my attendance within the past month. It has been such a crucial tool for my success thus far and I won't give it up. But it's just not my main focus. But I'll try and do better. I hope that now that I'm identifying my lack of complete attention and effort in my weight loss areas...I'll at least care a little more. Admitting the problem is the first step, right?

Can I make up for my poor attendance here with pictures?!

First day of work outfit!

Haha, two of my friends and I pondering a map, being tourists.

The lunch I had the other day! Whole wheat naan, baby carrots, turkey, and Trader Joe's Roasted Red Pepper Hummus.

The view from the Nationals Stadium! If you ignore that scaffolding, there's an awesome view of the Capitol.

Tidbits to add to my screaming and shouting

*Finally got to bold/complete another goal on the side! And I went ahead and changed/broke up the Onederland/live at home by May thing. I know I won't get hit Onederland this coming Monday, but I will definitely hit it IN May, you can count on that! I've been maintaining most of April and I need to kick it into high gear! Mostly concerning exercise, I need to get back into it for realsies!

Especially because....I am in no way joking about that "throw myself a party" reward. I'm already planning it for memorial day weekend, haha! It just so happens that's also my birthday weekend, and my Golden Birthday! I'm turning 27 on the 27th this year. For the past few years I haven't really cared about my birthday, but this year...things are different. I deserve a damn party after these last 16 months, and to show off the work I've done since September! I'm treating myself to an indulgent afternoon with my friends and family, hanging out in (hopefully some) sunshine and grilling and enjoying the life that I've worked hard to finally get!

*I would like to take a moment to thank you guys for all of your support, for letting me bitch and complain about not having a job, for giving me a kick in the pants (Nic I love you for it!) when I needed it, and for helping me choose outfits, and all that good stuff. I love having this freaking blog and I know it's been devoid of health and food stuff lately, but rest assured there is going to be a return to that now that I've got this whole job sitch handled! Plus with working towards Onederland and beyond, I'm gonna need to revamp my efforts and I absolutely include blogging (and COMMENTING, geez, Lazy McSelfish over here) in that.

*Also, (basically...Steve I'm looking at you) does anyone have any recommendations for me on fun stuff to do in Annapolis, MD? My friend and I are taking a day trip there on Saturday just for fun, and we need things to do! We've already got our restaurant picked out, but we need other fun (and hopefully cheap/free!) things to do and explore during the day. Comment or email me! (100in12@gmail.com)

*Look at the dinner my friends and I made last night! The chicken and the sweet potato fries came from this cookbook and everything turned out amazingly. And that corn on the cob was perfectly steamed, ifidosaysomyselfandido :-)

Walk This Weigh

Gotta make it quick!

Scale results: same as last week!

207.6

I'm...okay with it, and not okay with it. Sometimes I have a couple of weeks of maintenance like this, and I like to think it's the universe's way of giving me a break while I reassess. And by reassess I mean...eat out, have a few beers, and not really exercise. Though the last week as a whole, I ate healthy things, just MORE of them than I probably should have.

(except for last night when I was watching The Hurt Locker. I ate like 3 servings of chocolate cheerios...followed by a roll of fruit mentos...followed by a chocolate peppermint stick luna bar. Writing all that out now is....kind of gross. Anxiety eating? Not out of the question during that movie!)

So I think it's good to give myself a bit of a break but be able to maintain/not gain, but it's not good when I remember that I have, you know, goals and stuff.

I've got two weeks to get to Onederland, if I want the "weigh in the 100s by May" thing to happen...which I do. I could slack off and say "Well, as long as I get there at some point in May" but I don't want to do that. So I'm gonna work hard to eat right and get back in the gym. And if I don't get into Onederland, then at least I can be proud for trying.

I put my money where my mouth is this morning! Got my butt to the gym. Granted, because of gym-hours and time constraints I only got about a 24 minute workout, but I worked hard. I did the elliptical on hill-climb (I'm not ashamed to admit I do the ones designed for a great ass. I want one.) for 14 minutes and then did the treadmill for 10:30. On the treadmill I did a minute or so of walking, then a minute or so of running (at 6mph! that is a lot for me!) and then repeat. At one point I even did 2 minutes at 6mph! And my last rotation I did a minute and a half at 6.2mph.

One other thought: as much as I've tried to like it...I just don't really care for almond butter. Its peanut cousin has exclusive rights to my heart.

what goes up...aka bullet point thoughts

• I am totes mcgotes not going to lose weight this week. Only worked out once - Tuesday - and I've been eating whatever I want, which has included beer, chinese food, more beer, WAY too much peanut butter, cookies...and some more beer and generally too much food. So...just to prepare you (and myself) for tomorrow morning. There might even be a pound or two gain. Oops.
• My last day of temping is tomorrow! I'm sad the money stream will be ending, but there's a silver lining of having my afternoons back for a little while to rededicate myself to the gym.
• My EHarmony subscription runs out on Thursday. I "pursued" like 4 guys today, just as a last-ditch effort. One of them actually responded. Hopefully we make it til Thursday. We'll see what happens.
• In other EH news, Sam and I are still buds! We hung out last Monday (that was the chinese food and beer) and last night too. It's been fun. And the more I hang out with him, the more I realize that I would really not want a relationship with him. So it really worked out for the best. But he's a ball of energy and sarcasm and I like both of those things.
• My parents make their triumphant return in about 30-60 minutes! I'm actually looking forward to seeing them (AND MY DOGGIE*!!!!!) but...I am afraid this feeling will not last very long. I'm projecting about 15 minutes. Seriously.

So it just seems like...all of the things that I've been doing these past four months are coming to an end at the same time - working, EHarmony, having freedom...they're evaporating before my eyes.

What needs to happen next is that I make my life my bitch and get it all back on my own terms. For realsies.

*

I get to see this guy really soon!

My Easter Sunday and the latest EH shenanigans

Happy Easter everyone! (or Happy Regular Sunday, for those that don't celebrate Easter!)

My Easter has been great! I celebrated the end of Lent (Sweets 'N Jobs was a success!) by having a Deep Chocolate VitaTop with a tbsp of White Chocolate Wonderful PB&Co peanut butter on top. It was so good! Though The Bees Knees is still the best PB&Co flavor by far, in my opinion. It makes my heart sing.

I also had my Chocolate Peppermint Stick Luna Bar. SO. GOOD. I'm obsessed with mint and chocolate combinations and this did not disappoint. I especially liked the little red peppermint flecks in the iced part on the bottom. So festive and delicious. I can easily see myself keeping a kitchen stocked with Lemon Zest and Chocolate Peppermint Luna Bars. I'm in love.

Talked to my parents today too. They come home a week from today. I will spend this week mentally and emotionally preparing for their return.

AND I finally made spaghetti squash! It was so much easier than I thought. I'm about to make some ground turkey and mix it in with the squash and maybe throw in some marinara sauce. Should be delish!

Below is the story of that EHarmony Guy. Third time was not so much the charm in this case, but that's okay. My subscription ends on April 14th and I'll be content with that. For now!

Oh, before I get to the story, I have to tell you that I got myself to the track today! 3 miles with intervals of running and walking. I did 2 running laps, then alternated walking and running laps until I got to 3 miles, or 12 laps. Good times! And it was nice and sunny out so I think I got a little color, so my skin isn't quite the lovely shade of transparent that it was before.

So, here's the boring and fairly uneventful yet character building story of Sam:

We had been talking all week (gchat) and it was so fun and he made me laugh and I was really comfortable with him, and we clicked. We went out for a drink and dinner this past Wednesday. We had a good time, I think, but it ended with him awkwardly saying, “So, I guess…I’ll be, uh, chatting with you tomorrow!” or something like that. As he turned to walk to his car he had a look on his face that…I don’t know how to describe it, but I think I knew he wasn’t interested. It wasn’t so much a “thank god that’s over” look, but it was something like it.

I was sort of sad. I liked him enough that I wanted to hang out more. There were things about him that I didn’t like, too, but I was willing to overlook them because he made me laugh and was adorable when he smiled. Like he’s kind of a tough guy but then his face softens when he genuinely smiles, it was so cute.

Thursday, the next day, we didn’t talk at all. So I pretty much knew. I wanted him to talk to me first, though. And…he didn’t. So Friday morning I got impatient and reached out to him, we had an awkward small-talk conversation that was NOT at all like our usual stuff. So I went out to lunch, and left him with this message: “so…I'm going outside for lunch. Should be epic. Anyway, if you get bored anytime soon and want to hang out, give me a call, I'd be up for it. If you're not, no worries. I don't want to bug you if wednesday was it for you - I've been on the other side and it's…a weird dynamic. You can let me know either way, it’s cool I promise :-)”

I gave him the option of going out easy, giving me the obvious answer and not having to say it while I was there – but he waited until I got back. Which, is actually nice, I think? Anyway, he said he wasn’t interested in a relationship. He actually said relationship, which I thought was funny considering I only said “if you want to hang out again” but I suppose that’s where it ultimately would have gone anyway.

But he surprised me by saying that he really liked me, that I was fun and great and he would never say no to a new friend; he liked talking to me. And the thing is, with him, I believe it. He’s honest and upfront, which made the whole “I don’t like you like that” much easier, I think. He wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it. So he says “These conversations can be really awkward but I’m glad we’re cool” and then we went on chatting for the rest of the day like normal, it was right back to the witty banter kind of stuff we had been doing all week. Which made me really happy.

So, I don’t really know if and how long this “friendship” thing will last, but I actually hope it does. He’s really fun and we have so much in common, I can see him as a guy friend whose honest opinion I can rely on if I needed advice, and that’s rare. So that's that. All in all I think for "not working out" it worked out pretty well.

Am I disappointed there’s no romance? Sort of – maybe 25% disappointed that it’s not with him, and 75% disappointed in that another dating situation didn’t work out. I think if that’s the kind of rejection I’m dealing with, then I’m doing pretty well.

It doesn’t take a lot for me to think that I’m not good enough, but I don’t really feel that way this time. No one said anything about physical characteristics, and I’m jumping to conclusions by thinking that’s what his “problem” with me is, but…even if it is, I’m okay with it. Especially if we stay friends and I get super hot and get to throw it in his face. Because I’m a rational woman that is in no way petty.

Aw, I don't have a good post title. For shame, self.

Hello my loves!

Hope you’re doing well this fine Saturday morning (or afternoon, or evening, or whenever you are depending on your location)

I am beyond happy it’s Saturday. Had a stressful week at work, I definitely need a few days off to recharge. Plus I’ve been sick since Monday, but choosing to ignore it as much as possible. But I can’t ignore a sore-throat and maybe a bit of a fever away, unfortunately. Meh. Oh well, it didn’t stop me from anything this week!

So I said I went to the gym Wednesday morning, right? Well guess who had two thumbs and did it again Thursday morning!?!!?

Yep. (Please don't judge the room...I know, it's such a mess. And yes, there's a teddy bear back there. It's from Harrod's! That's a legit reason for keeping it, right??)

I even got up and got there Friday morning, but I forgot that my gym doesn’t open until 8 on Fridays. GRR! Oh also, I think I might have found a gym I might want to switch to – Fitness First. They have locations in DC, Arlington, Alexandria, my town, and a few others, so I feel like I can still go there no matter where I end up living or working, and they’re also open at 5am everyday, AND open on Sundays, which my gym is not. And I think they’re around the same cost as mine.

Now I’m just dragging my heels on actually going in to my current gym to quit it, b/c I feel like I hear so many stories about extra fees and all this crap gyms tack on to scare you out of leaving…ugh. I’ll probably wait on this a few weeks until I can work up the courage :-P

*In other news, I got some bananas yeserday, and LOOK:

Are any of you familiar with the Wii game SuperMonkeyBall? My friends and I are kind of obsessed with it, we always play when we’re all together (usually at the holidays). I saw/bought these yesterday at Trader Joe’s…and I literally called like four of my friends to tell them about it.

…I called my friends on a Friday night to tell them about bananas I had purchased. YEP.

Speaking of food, my eating has been really really good! Lots of good food happening over here: greek yogurt, fruit, vitatops, turkey breast sandwiches with hummus, spinach and alfalfa sprouts, Luna Bars (I would seriously do terrible things to mankind to keep my supply of Lemon Zest Luna Bars up), cottage cheese, almond milk, veggies, and of course Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Masala and Paneer Tikka Masala. I don't know if you'd consider those last two healthy, but they are just seriously so. fucking. good. That's right, so good I have to curse. That good.

*You should go over to Low Fat Kat and read this most recent post of hers, it’s about men and chocolate! We were talking about it yesterday (in that it was *her* idea and she was telling me about it - I'm not that smart) and it’s a really good post. So go see it. We may or may not have gchatted for like 4 hours yesterday. Why can’t she be a dude and I can date her?! We haven’t met in real life, but when we do, it’ll look something like this:

oops! part deux (and...welcome to my neurosis)

Okay, I'll give you one more hint about those "creative truths" - there are three facts/truths, and a sort of half-truth. So three and a half truths, and the rest are lies! MUAHAHAHAHA..hahaha...ha....guys? You still there?

I was SO sore yesterday from doing the Shred on Monday, especially my legs. I felt like I was maybe even limping a little! That's what I get for basically not exercising for three weeks! :-P

The good news is that I ate good things yesterday.

Breakfast:

*bread-free egg sandwich: We have one of those little egg cooker things that makes a nice little round egg, so I made 2 with egg subst. and put a piece of canadian bacon, most of a LCL wedge, and some ketchup in the middle. The egg was the bread! Good times.

Snack:

*Toasted Nuts 'n Cranberry Luna Bar

Lunch:

*salad: spinach, romaine lettuce, 1/4 cup feta cheese, 1/3 cup craisins, 1/3 cup chicken breast, 1 tbsp chia seeds.

Snack:

*1 serving of Wheat Thin Fiber Selects (in Garden Vegetable) crackers
*handful of Kashi Honey Sunshine cereal

Dinner:

*Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Masala meal

***

Okay, this is probably premature to be writing about - but there is this EH guy that's popped up recently, and we have been emailing and gchatting, and it is fun. I noticed that my stomach was getting that knotty feeling during/after talking to him...like in a good way.

Here's where I get nervous - in his questions to me (one of the last EH steps...such a weird process) one of the pre-made questions he opted to ask me was "During a typical week, what sort of physical activities do you enjoy?" and....that got me paranoid. I have two reasons for this:

1: Everytime I see a guy on EH describe themselves as "physically fit" or mentions anything about being "physically active", I immediately think "He's putting that out there because he wants someone that's thin/skinny/also physically fit" - it's a nice way of saying No Fat Chicks.

2: This other guy about a month or two ago went through the whole process with me only to tell me that I looked slender in some of my pictures and bigger in others - he went through the whole process to ask me if the "bigger" pictures were older and not really what I looked like - otherwise, bye. So now I'm really concerned that everyone thinks this. I put up full-body pictures of me to ensure that anyone who contacted me got the point that I was overweight (I sort of hint that I'm working on it though, in my profile) and I don't want to be one of those people that misrepresents themselves. I already have the "dealbreaker" of living at home still - yes, a perceived dealbreaker, to me - and now I might have to add that "Images may be bigger than they appear" to it?!

So now there's this guy that I actually might like, and we totally click when we're talking I might sound really neurotic, but...I'm already assuming it won't work out. He won't like me because I'm overweight. I've spent my whole life experiencing "Guys that I like never like me back" and I've never known anything different. I know it's a whole other can of raging self-esteem issues worms, I guess I just need to get this out there. 

He invited me to hang out tonight but I said I had other plans. In my head I'm like "How long can I put off meeting him so I have time to lose as much weight as I can??!" and then the rational part of me says "That's a terrible idea". And then my crazy side doesn't respond because it's too busy drooling and gnawing on a doorknob.

omg...are you ready for this one....The Weigh I Meal

TWO-FER! Ha! I can hear you all groaning and I love it. You know, I'm not really that big into puns or that kind of humor but...for some reason...if I can get you all to roll your eyes (so much that I can hear it through my monitor) then I think I've accomplished something.

Also, any Matt Wertz fans out there? I enjoy him.

Clearly I'm in a good mood, so you can guess the kind of conversation that T-Dawg and I had this morning:

211

on the dot! That's a 3.8 loss from last week! I really worked hard on my choices last week so I'm happy it was reflected in the scale.

Also, here's my food from yesterday...it doesn't seem like a lot, but I woke up late and went to bed early, so I was full allllllll day, trust.

*Breakfast:

*egg scramble: ½ cup egg subst., 1 chorizo chicken sausage, ½ cup bell pepper frozen veggie mix, a dash of cayenne pepper
*1 Trader Joe’s mini whole wheat bagel with 1 tbsp polaner’s sugar free raspberry jam
*1 scoop Amazing Grass Chocolate GreenSuperFood mix with 8 oz unsweetened vanilla almond milk

Lunch:

*1/2 cup fage 0% greek yogurt mixed with: heaping tbsp of peanut butter, 1 scoop Amazing Grass Chocolate GreenSuperFood mix, about 1/2 cup of granola

Dinner:

*sandwich: garlic naan, 3 falafal balls, 2 tbsp tzatziki sauce, alfalfa sprouts, romaine lettuce

******

Here's hoping today will be a good one for everyone!

PS - the other day I had another one of my Steaz Zero Calorie Black Cherry Sparkling Green Tea (I think I'm gonna get carpal tunnel from typing that out every time) and this was the bottlecap message:

Damn straight, Steaz! (please excuse the poor manicure)

I'm here, I'm here!

I haven't fallen off any wagons, friends. Promises. I just...haven't felt inspired to post. I've been eating great but I don't really have much else to say. I'm lacking inspiration and feeling tired. I probably need to start exercising again, I bet that's a solution, she says as she puts her pajamas back on and scrolls through On Demand to see what movies are available...

I haven't been doing much. Yesterday afternoon, I did some grocery shopping. It was a dreary day and I looked like a college kid: 

I felt cute for some reason. I guess because I haven't worn those jeans in two years and I *love* that hat.

And I wore these shoes with it:

I love little splashes of color like that. Thanks, Target, for making fun and cute and cheap flats.

Got some good food. Frozen and fresh fruits and veggies, new bread (thanks for your input!), more greek yogurt, VitaTops, a couple of Lean Cuisine frozen meals, and some unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk - which tastes realllllly good with a scoop of my Amazing Grass Chocolate GreenSuperFood mix!

Since I did the shopping it's been nice to incorporate veggies and fruits back into my eating. I didn't have a lot to work with before!

Let's see...anything else? EHarmony updates...I'm "communicating" with a couple of guys. I got to the point of texting with this other guy last week, but...I just wasn't feeling it, I knew it wouldn't happen and just let that one go. I'm honestly kind of looking forward to when my 3 months is up so I don't have to go through it anymore...I'm not throwing in the towel just yet but...I think it'll be relieving to be done with it. Defeatest attitude, much?! The weather is killing me!

Yeah, I definitely need a pick-me-up. I haven't seen any friends since last Tuesday...nor have I been anywhere other than work-home-work-home, rinse and repeat! Oh man, I am complaining too much. Sorry, guys!

We'll end on the good stuff - the eating! I won't list all my eats for the last couple of days, but some of them were pretty tasty and worth sharing!

For breakfast, the last few days I've been eating the same PB&J Yoatgurt (thanks Janetha!) every morning and it is scrumdiddlyumptious every time. Agh I love it so much.

For lunch yesterday I had a sandwich: honey bran country bread (thanks Trader Joe’s!!) with turkey breast, mustard and romaine lettuce and 15 wheat thins fiber garden veggie crackers (couldn’t find my garlic & herb all-bran! These were good too though)

For dinner on Friday I had Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Masala with a piece of tandoori naan. Sooo goooood.

yesterday's food. sorry no puns this morning! (cue all of you cheering and hugging)

I have a question about bread. But first, a digression. When I first started weight-loss blogging, Bitch Cakes was one of the first ones I started reading. She’s great, and really inspiring. One of the things she has incorporated into her life is clean/natural eating – as in, no artificial foods/flavorings/chemicals. I had no idea that sucralose was an artificial sweetener before I read her blog. So it’s something I’m aware of much more now, and have stopped consuming a lot of things I used to…but it’s still a work in progress. Like the sugar-free-but-not-sucralose-free jam I had this morning. So:

Arnold’s Thins. You know ‘em. You love ‘em. They have sucralose in them. WHY, AT, WHY?! So I want to see if I can find a new bread for sandwiches. I opened it up to twitter and got some responses (thanks ladies!) and now I'd like to ask you fine people as well.

I’d like it to be relatively low-calorie, but really pack a nutritional punch, taste okay, and be free of as many artificial ingredients as possible. Got any ideas for me?

Also, I know, I didn't post yesterday. I was too tired and chose my bed instead!

But I did eat well. Observe:

Breakfast:

Janetha’s Yoats again! Sooo good, kept me full for almost 5 hours!

Snack:

*1/2 cup cottage cheese

Lunch:

*1/2 cup parmesan couscous with 1 cup broccoli and 3 falafal balls, crumbled

Snack:

*serving of all-bran garlic & herb crackers and wedge of brie

Dinner:

*frittata! With lump crab, grilled artichoke hearts, onion and chive. It was pretty good if I do say so myself.

aaaaaaand:


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Little Bit of Meal Good

I can't force myself to construct any sort of decent narrative, so you get a list*

1. I drank 140oz of water today, and 3 cups of green tea. As Joey Russo would say, Whoa!
2. I have some award-getting and giving to catch up on, I'll do this soon! But thanks to you lovely folks for thinking of me! One day I'll improve my time management skills....maybe later.
3. I ordered a new iPod today because now my poor baby doesn't even hold a charge through the whole metro ride. :-( But yay, new toy soon! PS I ordered it online b/c it's $25 cheaper (Best Buy) and you get free shipping, and even with tax it still comes out $10 cheaper than if you bought it in-store or through Apple. Booyah. But I guess we'll see how confident I am in my choice after it shows up, hopefully in one piece, free of any tomfoolery.
4. Wow, only 3 things? I'm boring.
5. Wait, I thought of another one! Keri, WELCOME TO THE DARK SIDE. Heh.
6. Okay now I really might be done.
7. Yep.
8. NOPE! I just want to ask: Do any of you watch White Collar? It's on USA so I feel a little ashamed that I'm watching what 90% of retirement homes watch all day long, but....that show is SO awesome! Anyone? Anyone?!?!
9. Okay now I'm done. On to food.

*I wrote the following this morning, when the day was young and I didn't know that my coworkers chose today to be FRANTIC at ALL TIMES...ugh.

So yesterday the uber-cool Janetha ate what she calls “PB&J Yoatgurt” for breakfast. Greek Yogurt + oatmeal. Plus other goodies.

I thought I’d give it a go this morning…by basically copying her. It’s what I do.

½ cup oatmeal (I just used Quaker instant because I’m too lazy to make steel cut, at least in the AM)
¼ cup greek yogurt (fage 0%)
1 tbsp The Bees Knees PB&Co (Scuttleboose...I can't remember where I got it, I'm sorry!)
1 tbsp Polaner’s Sugar Free Raspberry Jelly
1 tbsp chia seeds (this was my own addition!)

Mix it all together and eat. …more like INHALE. It is SO GOOD. I can't wait for breakfast tomorrow morning.

Breakfast:

*Janetha's Yoats :-)
*can of V8 (in the car on the way to the Metro)

Snack:

*1/2 cup fage 0% with 1 tbsp honey and ½ a serving of PB Puffins (the last of them!!) and 1 tbsp chia seeds

Lunch:

Falafal: 3 falafal balls (heh..balls) with 1 tbsp tzatziki, multi grain arnold’s thin
*13 Newman’s Own pretzel sticks

Snack:

*3/4 a small granny smith apple, sliced with a wedge of brie

Dinner:

*broccoli with tuna and melted cheese (string cheese :-P) I guess it was sort of like a fake/deconstructed casserole. It was pretty good!

Party at a Rich Food's House

(Song is off Ke$ha's new album. It pains me a little to use that dollar sign, but I have to do her justice. I haven't actually listened to that particular song, but I'm slightly ashamed to say I like Kiss N Tell, Your Love is My Drug, and obbbviiiii Tik Tok. Sometimes I have the musical palate of a tween.)

Not much on my mind other than, I need to somehow get into the exercise groove again. I think one of the things that prevents me from going is my idea that once I’m there I have to run the fastest and the longest, and then bust my ass on weights, and then do MORE cardio and basically Biggest-Loser-Last-Chance-Workout-It every. single. time. and it feels insurmountable and I give up before I even start. I need to not set the bar so high, in that sense.

I know a lot of you are probably thinking that I should be doing that kind of workout every time, because you are! I read blogs, I see! And once I do start getting into a rhythm, it doesn’t take long before I see if I can push a little more, or sneak in a few more reps…I just hate that I set an unreachable goal that prevents me from moving at all. I need to aim lower, at least at first.

My eating is great now and I'm proud of it, and crawling out of the black hole that was January didn’t happen by going zero to sixty. In fact I’m sometimes even hyperaware of my eating, because I don’t want to start “seeing if I can eat a little less” every day, because I’ve done it before and it doesn’t lead anywhere good. Did I ever tell you about the time in grad school when I basically challenged myself to subsist on nothing but a Sugar Free Red Bull all day? I won the challenge but lost…me? Integrity? I don’t know what I lost but…it was unhealthy.

Anyway my point is that I really want to work on keeping things steady. My eating is steady (for now, one day at a time and such) and I want my workouts to be that way too…so I just need to get there.

Breakfast:

*half a WW bagel with 1 tbsp The Bees Knees PB&Co, and 1 tbsp chia seeds sprinkled on top. (not a bad combo! Though don’t eat it in front of other people because the seeds-in-teeth ratio is WAY UP on this one)

Lunch:

*peach chobani with 1 tbsp chia seeds
*sandwich: ¼ granny smith apple, sliced, small wedge of brie (sliced), few slices of turkey breast, small handful of craisins
*13 Newman’s Own pretzel sticks

Snack:
*1/2 cup cottage cheese

Another “Snack”:
*Amazing Grass Chocolate GreenSuperFood drink powder

Dinner:

*WW Smart Ones Lasagna Florentine