11 September 2009
(I drink water throughout the day but I never record it other than when I drink it with meals. Just to keep you informed of all-things-100in12-hydration)
*1/2 a cup cottage cheese (it might have been a little more than this…I am terrible with measurements)
*~17 grapes, twelve of which were mixed in with the cottage cheese. (this was when I thought, "I'm bad at measurements" and counted the grapes so that I would have an exact amount)
*Can of V8
Have you eaten cottage cheese and grapes together? It’ll change your life. I also had my fishoil caplet and glass of water, but, can I just stop mentioning it? I had it yesterday too, but I kinda gross myself out saying “fishoil”…it just sounds nasty. And like I’m in the 1800s.
*2 small pieces of The Most Fabulous Pizza Ever
*Glass of milk
*1/2 a green apple
*1 Laughing Cow Light wedge
Spread the cheese on the apple slices. Tasty. Also had a cup of Earl Gray tea. I don’t think ol’ Earl does anything special for my metabolism but I was in the mood for a darker tea.
*garlic pepper grilled chicken with homemade roasted red pepper sauce
*spicy-mustard sugar snap peas
And a HUGE glass of water because I was a little heavy handed with the cayenne pepper that went into the peas’ spices.
My sous chef, displeased at both the photoshoot and being left out of the food-tasting:
*cue thunderously ominous music*
I think by that you could guess that I’m not dating? Hmm? Nope. I haven’t been on a date in 3 years, maybe? And I didn’t even realize it was a date until a year later. Oops.
You may have seen me hint in a few other posts about a particular boy…I keep hoping there is something there with him. He is…perfect. I’m going to leave it at that because in the event this here bloggeroo makes the rounds amongst those I know, I want no traces of any hints of his identifying characteristics.
Oh you didn’t know? I’m a total chickenshit. I could whine about the fact that no guy I have ever liked ever has ever liked me back, with the exception of one guy in high school when I was still kind of hot. I could tell you about my insanely intense fear of rejection, and about the time(s) when I have desperately liked someone, only to have friends end up with that person, and I have to see it happen like it’s okay. I could tell you how all of my close friends are slender and gorgeous and/or are either married with kids, married, or in looooong-term relationships, and then there’s me.
But I’m over it.
I am funny, silly, smart, well-educated, easy-going, kind, I have a pretty face and I love football, damn it! You know what happens to me when I am around guys that I don’t have feelings for? I am myself around them, which is to say: goofy, talkative, inquisitive, and relaxed. These are the guys that end up liking me. Now when I interact with someone I am interested in, I’m terrified, quiet, and alllll sorts of awkward (the exception to this is The Boy, of course) because I’m worried he will know I like him, and then it’s RejectionTown, Population: Me. I think we see a pattern here.
I’m sick of it.
I know exactly what I want. I want to go on dates and STRUT when I walk in the door to meet him, because I know I’m a hell of a catch. I want him to be excited to show me off to his friends. I want to look good. I don’t want to be afraid of getting naked for the sexygoodtimes. [EDIT: do these three sentences make me sound slutty? I mean, I also want a boyfriend, and someone to share my life with, but those come after the things I mentioned do they not?] And most of all, I want someone that I want. Because it’s one thing to go out on a limb and give someone a try, which admittedly I should have done in the past – but it is quite another to settle for less.
Now, if most of that is incredibly shallow and vain, well, apologies. But they are feelings I want to experience just as much as confidence or happiness. Losing weight is the last piece of this puzzle. And I know I could make the effort to date now if I wanted, but I still think I have a little too much self-loathing left in me for it to be worth doing now.
So those are my crazy crackpot thoughts and theories on dating. They may be weird but they’re mine, and this whole blog and effort to lose weight is partly motivated by it.
PS: Know what else? Mom has told me on several occasions she has thought that I’m gay and afraid to tell her so I eat to deal with it, and that it was the reason for my weight gain. She has said more than once, “If you’re gay you can tell me, it won’t matter” and she may even still think it. It is nice that my mom is so accepting and liberal, except for the fact that I’m not gay and she watches too much Lifetime. But really, it’s easier for me to let her think whatever she wants than for me to say out loud “no, Mom, it’s because I’m fat and visually unappealing and the odds that I would get over myself long enough for a guy to notice me and see through the fat are one in seven point five trillion”. Oy.
10 September 2009
Is there some sort of Blogger Anniversary I am unaware of, or do they know this is a weight-loss blog and they're a bunch of assholes? What does it mean?!
Ahem. Moving on.
I have been thinking about my anonymity. I started the blog that way (I say this like it was eons ago. It was last frigging week.) because, I don't know, I don't want my real life friends knowing about it? Though it's fairly presumptuous to think my friends spend any time googling my name or whatever. But I created this blog with a new gmail address (email@example.com) and a Spark People Account and all this, but still hiding who I am.
And I don't think it's a big deal, really. Who really cares? Maybe I'm just not ready. I still have a long way to go (twelve months and about 95 pounds, to be exact) and maybe I want to be able to speak freely about my friends and family without worrying about feelings getting hurt. I certainly don't set out to be negative because I am quite lucky for the friends and family that I have. But sometimes I am frustrated, and I'm sure as hell gonna write about it. Just as much as I'll write about the good times - actually, I'll write about the good times more 'cause there are more good times than bad, so sorta scratch that.
I've been bored tonight. CLEARLY, you say with an eye roll that I can practically hear. I had a fairly productive day, but I finished Water for Elephants (soooo goooood [said in Billy Madison voice, please]) last night and I haven't started a new one yet. Anyway I was playing around on Virtual Model or whatever the hell it's called, and I did one for myself, in a variety of fun settings. The current size is 253. Which apparently looks the same as 260. Can't say I'm surprised. The newer skinner Me is set at 160. I would do many shameful things to look like that. Or just start a blog and eat well and exercise. But also terrible, illegal things. And actually, the FakeMe does like the RealMe. I have that hairstyle and color almost exactly. So you can pretend to know what I look like.
I call this one, "It May Be Europe, But I'm Still Dressed Inappropriately!"
This one is titled: "Holy Shit, I'm FREEZING!"
On to Today!
Egg subst. with salsa (I am so boring!)
Glass of milk
I also went for Green Tea this morning instead of coffee. Antioxidants and all. It was okay. I like tea, but, I dunno, it just doesn’t do it for me like coffee does. I suppose it would be a good goal to get rid of caffeine completely, but the jury is still out on that one. And by that I mean, I don’t want to give up the sweet nectar that is coffee. Maybe I could just go decaf. I always forget about decaf!
Speaking of caffeine, I haven’t had any soda since the Pepsi One I had Saturday night at my friend’s football (foodball!) celebration. I drank it in the hopes that everyone else was drunk enough to assume I was drinking beer out of a can. The giant Pepsi label may have thwarted my efforts but, I don’t really give a crap.
Moving on. Before I left for the gym I had half of a banana.
2 slices of yesterday’s pizza (both smaller than yesterday’s slice)
1/2 cup of cottage cheese
glass of water
I am disgustingly full. I think it was the two pieces of pizza. They probably equaled a little more than what yesterday’s portion was. Plus the cottage cheese.
I did something during dinner that I haven’t done in a while – I just sat there. I just sat and ate. Usually I bring my food up to my room and mess around on my computer or read or do something while I eat. Sometimes I stand around when I eat. Not tonight! I just sat at the dinner table and ate. I definitely ate quicker, which is not necessarily good. But it was good that I focused on my food. Even though I’m too full. Ha. Well, I have to give props to myself where I can, right?!
...I stayed on the treadmill only to finish watching Color Splash on HGTV. I just wanted you to know that.
I had leftover nerves from the interview so I went to the gym – I’m hoping to train myself in some kind of pavlovian sense. Get rid of nerves/worries = Gym! Ha, and because I worry all the time this will be quite good for my fitness.
The gym today was good. I did 50 minutes on the treadmill. Only TWO were jogging. But they were at a higher incline and speed than I’ve ever done, so I’m okay with it. Being able to run an impressive amount of time or speed isn’t really my goal anyway. I just did a lot of aggressive walking, and changed the incline and speed a lot.
I really do love my little gym. It’s a women-only gym, because, um, have you met me? I’m a raging mess of insecurity; I don’t need to add any more degrees of self-consciousness than I already have! So I feel like I do have my very own trust-tree at the gym, which is nice.
The ridiculous thing though, and I know my gym isn’t the only one, is its location. It’s in a tiny little community shopping center, tucked away from sight. To get to it you have to walk around the outward-facing strip of stores to get to the other side – and you can get to it by walking past either end of the strip.
One one end? Dairy Queen and a seriously amazingly crucial Indian Buffet.
The other end? A pizza place and a wing place.
…seriously. The pizza and wing place aren’t a big deal for me so I go that way. I love pizza, but it’s a sit down place so…I’m not THAT tempted. And I don’t really like wings, too much effort is involved to eat those damned things.
But I love Indian food and ice cream (not together!) so I never ever go that way. I wouldn’t actually sit down at the buffet by myself, but the smells are enough to make me ravenous. And I don’t even think I have to explain to you the ice cream.
The other silly thing about my gym is the weight machines. I don’t know if I mentioned it before, but other than the times I’ve gone in the past couple weeks, the last time I went to my gym was in October of 2008. In that time they upgraded their weight machines. I’ve used some of the new ones before at other gyms but others just…leave me baffled so I avoid them. I’ll gradually try them, after I give the side-eye to people using them and try and figure it out that way. If I didn’t I would feel exactly like this:
|Brian Regan - The Gym|
PS: Every single time I have gotten in my car to go to the gym, either the way there or the way back I’ve heard Shakira’s new song, She Wolf. Has anyone heard this? And does it do horrible things to everyone else’s central nervous system like it does to mine? I mean, I generally like Shakira; Hips Don’t Lie and Whenever, Wherever were my jams…but this song just…*shudder*.
Listening to: Wait for Me – Jamie Lidell
1. Having a better relationship with my parents ‘cause I’ll actually miss them and want to talk to them
2. Only cooking what I want to cook and getting only the groceries that I want.
3. Feeling like I am my own person and have my own life separate from my parents’
4. Dating – I am WAY past the age to have someone pick me up at my house and meet my parents before we even go anywhere. I’m also a woman capable of making sexual decisions for herself and I am NOT having that conversation with my parents about why I stayed over with a boyfriend, and no man is ever staying over at this house while my parents are under the same roof. Absolutely never.
5. Making some nutritional/kitchen life changes that I’ve always wanted to.
You could say that I can do two or five now. But I guess you don’t really know my family. My father is the one in charge of the groceries and he hates change. So if you say you like something, he’ll buy it for you…for the rest of your life. So my culinary pattern of liking something for two or three weeks and then switching to something else is not manageable in anyone’s hands but my own.
Also when I’m in the kitchen trying something new, he talks to me like I’m a five year old making play-dough spaghetti. Like it’s adorable and cute and silly. The problem is that he still sees me as his little girl sometimes, and I have insecurity issues with being perceived as young or immature. It’s nobody’s fault but it still aggravates me.
I want to grow an herb garden. I want to make my own bread. I want to join a CSA. All of these ideas I have that would definitely be good for my health and probably good for my wallet (not sure about the CSA thing cost-wise, it depends) and I am just ready to be an ADULT. I know that going out on your own (or even with roommates) means financial difficulties, stress, and other unwelcome problems, but I want those problems. I want to replace my current problems with the latter, because ultimately they’re worth it for my own sanity.
And I don’t mean to complain or be ungrateful for what my parents are giving me – they are amazing people and I love them more than I can say. My dad makes me laugh a million times a day and my mom is the sweetest human being on earth. But #1 - I think I'm trying to distance myself because they're getting older (65 and 63) and they're not OLD yet, I know, but I'm starting to think about it and it scares me like you wouldn't believe and distancing myself is a pretty normal reflex. And apart from them, moving out and all the emotions that go with it are a part of growing up, a rite of passage I have yet to experience and sorely need to.
I need a source of income to move out. I may have one – not a full time job, but I have this part time opportunity (that’s why I needed the mini-physical) that starts in a few weeks. I am not going to talk about it because talking specifics about work/jobs on the internet is a terrible idea, and also I don’t want to jinx anything. But it might give me enough money to be able to move out.
I have a close friend that I met in grad school, PBP. We met during our orientation and fortuitously had a couple of classes together our first semester. We became attached at the hip. After a few months, if our classmates saw one of us alone they would concernedly ask where the other one was. I love PBP to pieces. She also has a boyfriend that I adore – not in THAT way – he and I get along wonderfully.
The three of us have a great balance because he and I have stuff in common that PBP doesn’t really like, but obviously PBP and he have a special connection, and PBP and I have basically our own language and we are a force to be reckoned with when we’re together. There are checks and balances.
Their lease runs out in January and the three of us have been talking about moving in together. Splitting a two-bedroom place three ways has its financial benefits, that’s for sure. We’ve been calling it Operation Three’s Company. We haven’t seriously talked about it in a few months, because it all depended on me getting a job. So when I found out about the part time thing (that in all likelihood will present me with enough income to live) I told PBP that I am diving in headfirst and if she still wanted to, Operations Three’s Company should commence. It’s time. I just want to dive in and make it work. I’m sick of playing it safe or waiting ‘just a few more months’ because I’ve done it enough. And maybe it’s a little reckless but I kind of like that. It’s part of the appeal.
So PBP has to talk to her boyfriend to see if it’s still something he/they want to do. And I’m waiting. I won’t be that upset if they say no, I understand the decision to add a third person to a couple living together isn’t easy, for both sides. But boy oh boy would it be great.
09 September 2009
Anyway, my lunch/first meal of the day was:
The other half of the grilled red pepper from yesterday
Big spoonful of plain yogurt
Drizzles of fat free raspberry vinaigrette
I probably could have done without the red pepper, but I wanted to use it up. It was sweet enough that it sort of worked. Oh, and I also had my fishoil caplet with a glass of water, and a can of V8.
Dinner: I don’t know what other recipe sites do this, but allrecipes.com has a calculator to change the number of servings you want to bake. And then it recalculates all the amounts of the ingredients for you. I realize this is basic math and anyone can do this with a calculator, or paper and pencil, AND/OR HALF A BRAIN, but I didn't feel like mustering up the energy level to produce any of those things. Also it gives you the nutritional value.
I made the most delicious and healthy thing (I think) I have made to date. I took a whole wheat & honey pizza crust (from all recipes) and baked as directed. Then I drizzled a little extra virgin olive oil and fresh ground pepper, then added broccoli, red peppers, onions, spinach, three (broken into small chunks) Laughing Cow Light cheese wedges, and 1 part-skim string cheese, stringed. Put it under the broiler on Low for maybe five minutes? This is what I got:
Food porn close up!
IT. IS. SO. GOOD. The dough is super whole-wheaty and has just a hint of sweet from the honey, and the veggies are a little bit softened but still crunchy and amazing, and there's just enough cheese to satisfy me. I quartered it and took one of the quarters. It's a pretty big portion, but even 1/4 of it comes out to roughly 300 calories (not counting the olive oil and veggies which shouldn't be that much).
I'm even counting the "beauty" label for this one. Because I think it's just that pretty.
I should also point out, I had no reasons to believe otherwise, but it’s always nice to hear it from a doctor! Medical conditions can be a scary reality for overweight/obese people, and I feel very fortunate that to date I have none to speak of. Knock on wood.
Off to make dinner. Holler.
T-Minus 2 hours until Glee. I can't wait. Can you? I mean, look at this guy:
And he sings, ladies. SINGS! Oh, how I love him.
08 September 2009
1/4 green pepper, diced
2 handfuls of spinach, cooked down
1/3 cup diced onion
½ cup egg substitute
Made an egg scramble with the ingredients above and put it on a piece of whole grain toast. Then topped all of that with...you guessed it…salsa. I am nothing if not predictable. Also had my daily fish oil caplet with a glass of water, and a glass of skim milk.
1 tilapia filet, spiced with Old Bay and grilled
Half a red pepper, grilled
3-4 tbsp of mango salsa
I grilled the tilapia and the red pepper on my George Foreman grill (god bless that thing) and then chunked-up the tilapia and put it on top of the pepper, and put all of that on top of a piece of whole grain toast. That seems to be a theme today. I didn’t feel like a salad and we didn’t have any good wrap-type bread. Anywho, I topped it all with mango salsa.
Dinner: I had a random assortment of things:
Half a tilapia filet (I made a few at lunch to have for later!)
About 1/3 a cup of my chicken salad (chunk chicken, light mayo, craisins, green apple chunks)
Half a cup of cottage cheese
I’ve still been keeping in mind my effort to eat properly/more/healthfully. I think a way of deciding this is: if I’m happy to post it on the ol’ blog, then it’s okay. If for any reason I am ashamed or feel compelled to be secretive about what I’m eating, then it’s best I don’t! Of course there is always the chance that I’ll stumble or give in to an environment or circumstance, but other than those occasions I think my new guideline is pretty good.
PS: I am sore. I love it.
GLEE (and So You Think You Can Dance) TOMORROW!!!!
I hope I didn’t force everyone to run screaming from this blog with that last post. (thanks for the comment, Tina!) Even writing it I felt like Whiney McIssues so I’m sure it was even more ridiculous to read from an outsider’s perspective. Kind of embarrassing, but I do think it’s good to get it out, see it in front of you, address it, and start learning from it. Right? Question mark?
So I wrote the post and stressed myself out so I went to the gym. First of all, the last two times I’ve been I’ve gotten a pull-through spot in the parking lot. I am 99% sure this is the universe telling me I’m doing something right. I am 72% kidding.
It was a great workout, I have to say. 70 minutes: 40 cardio and 30 weight machines. I feel good. And sweaty.
Um, so, remember my other theory about doing good things for yourself and magic and getting job interviews? Well, brace yourself, I’m about to get real, real, shouty. After the gym, I CAME HOME TO NOT ONE BUT TWO EMAILS ABOUT JOB INTERVIEWS. Separate from the phone interview I have later today.
That’s it, *throws her hands up in the air* I’m getting myself published in a scientific journal. This theory is clearly solid and very very real – magic and all.
…Of course I’m kidding, but not really.
Okay, I’m off to shower, study more for my phone interview, and have some lunch – you know, a healthy and properly-calorie’d one. Heh...heh…hmm.
What I'm listening to: Til I Collapse - Eminem.
(HA! I realize this is a poorly titled song considering the timing of my last post and how I'm not eating enough - but the song is great for workouts and really motivates me! I want to dive headfirst into the beat of this song.)
I don’t even know where to start, there is so much behind this. Basically, the part that is okay with it feels that way because, in three weeks, I will have some family visiting. I have a history with them and though I love them with every fiber of my being, they have the remarkable ability to make me feel like absolute crap about the way I look. Not that I don’t already feel that way, but it’s like they hold up a mirror and say “You look terrible” and I resent it.
I have always worshipped the ground this family walked on. Always. They are constantly talking about their personal trainer, or the healthy foods they eat – and they have always been the cool, hip, fun, successful people we know. I have always desperately wanted their approval or praise or recognition. These aren't things they actually demanded of me, and it’s probably more like my own projections onto them, but they have always been the barometer of my own self-image.
When I graduated college they came to the ceremony. It had been two years since they had seen me, but in that time I had gained a lot of weight. The day they got there, I was watching from my window as their car pulled up – I ran to the door and waved as they got out of the car. I will never forget this: there were a few seconds of hesitation before they waved back. They didn’t recognize me. I tried to let it roll off my back as we hugged and exchanged hellos, but I could see the pity in their faces. It killed me. I wouldn’t wish that feeling or that situation on my worst enemy. Frankly it ruined graduation for me. At a time when I should be so proud of myself, I couldn’t think of anything but those seconds of hesitation and the way that they looked at me.
A few months later after I was back at home and those family members had also returned home, my mom told me that one of them, after seeing me, had wanted to sit me down and talk to me about how much I weighed. An intervention! Well, like I didn’t feel like crap before! I hope it was out of love, but it also made me feel like my size was a qualifier for their love. I understand wanting someone you love to be healthy, but to me it felt more like a criticism of my weight and ‘what’s wrong with you’ not, ‘we love you and what can we do to help’.
The whole point of SWL1 was because I was in that person’s wedding. The family wedding would have been the first time I had seen them all since that college graduation and I didn’t want a repeat. By the time the wedding rolled around I was about 50 pounds lighter than when I started, but only maybe 10-15 pounds lighter than what I weighed during that college graduation weekend. I was still really proud of my 50 pounds though, and that got me through it. I got a lot of nice compliments from other family members about how pretty I looked, and that felt good.
So that brings us to now. They’re coming in three weeks and they have never seen me weigh this much. If they thought I looked bad then, what in the sweet holy hell are they going to think now??? Usually I would tell myself that I’m blowing it out of proportion, that it’s really not so bad. But I have never forgotten graduation and I probably won’t for a really long time – it’s enough emotional evidence for me to be stressed about it.
So it’s stressful and I’m scared and part of me thinks that if I can get any shred of confidence from three or four weeks of weight loss before they get here, then maybe that’ll get me through their visit. If they bring it up, I can present numbers and pounds lost and that will deflect any commentary on my current weight. Or maybe if I tell them the real reason for my weight gain, crippling depression from not getting a job, they’ll feel bad and stop talking to me about it all.
Now, I didn’t set out last week to say “I’m going to not eat enough so that I lose a lot of weight quickly so the family will approve of me” – but that has to be the reason. It’s all I think about. I’m not saying it’s right. In fact, I know it isn’t. It’s fucked up in a lot of ways. So am I, I guess. I realize how pathetic putting one’s self-worth in the hands of other people is. I think I learned a lot of this from my mother, but I won’t get into that. It’s the internet, not a therapist’s couch.
So that was a lot to unload. Sorry for the heaviness of it, but it’s weighing on me quite a bit. Oh, weight loss wordplay, is there any post you can’t wrap up successfully?
I read for a while tonight too. I started reading Water for Elephants. It’s one I’ve wanted to read for a while. It’s captivating so far and I’m only on page 83! I was reading a blog entry on A Merry Life and she was talking about mindfulness and spending time away from the computer, engaged in life and what not. I get it. I love this blog so far and I really think it’s becoming a crucial part of what I’m doing, but I should experience life outside of a computer screen. Spend time away from the computer with a real book, or with friends face to face, or at the gym, or what have you. And I do all of these things, but it was a well-timed reminder. I’ve been enjoying this blog so much and writing and adding links and finding new people and such. Meanwhile I'm checking for job opportunities constantly and between the blog and the job hunting and searching I do spend a lot of time online. I guess it puts a dent in life, now that I read that back to myself. In my defense they both have greater purposes, but still.
While we’re on the subject of being glued to electronic screens, I love television. And with the new episodes of shows coming back this month, I’m not gonna lie to you: I’m hyped. I’ve already mentioned a zillion times how much I love Glee – when I first watched the pilot episode back in May, I cried at the end. I CRIED. I felt hopeful and cheerful for the first time in a really long time, because of what the unemployment funk did to me, or rather, what I let it do to me. Anyway, that show sucked me in and gave me hope and I was thankful for it, even if it is kind of embarrasing! I watched the director’s cut online last week and I still welled up. So that show will have my loyalty forever, no matter what.
I watch a bunch of shows. Mostly network stuff. I don't really watch a whole lot of cable because when my parents upgraded our service to an astronomical amount of channels, they all switched and I'm too overwhelmed to learn the new order and channels so I just don't watch them anymore. I love Food Network and HGTV and Nat Geo and Discovery stuff and some Bravo/MTV/VH1/Comedy Central stuff - but I just don't want to spend half the day looking for the channel. (SLAM ON THE BRAKES, am I an 80 year old? Geez.)
For me, I think it’ll be important to do other things in addition to watching TV. Because I don’t think there is anything wrong with watching programs that inspire me, or at the very least make me laugh. Laughter is always a good thing! So that’s my little soapbox defense of the television shows. EXCEPT:
I definitely want to break up with One Tree Hill. UGH that motherfucking show. See? I get angry just thinking about it. I started watching it in college, and it just keeps. on. existing. For the past two seasons I’ve been hoping the show will be cancelled so I won’t have to watch it anymore – I think that means I should probably just quit it. So I’m going to. I feel better already!
07 September 2009
BOOM. All checked off! Haha, even though “paint nails” is neither difficult nor tedious. But hey, it’s still on the list. I even cleaned/organized my bathroom, and that isn’t even on the list.
I got through my chores/activities today with the help of a Get Up and Go playlist I made for myself. It includes (song, artist):
M79 - Vampire Weekend
Good Vibrations - The Beach Boys
SexyBack Remix - Justin Timberlake ft. Clipse
Ooh La La - Goldfrapp
Mmm Papi - Britney Spears
Walking on Sunshine - Katrina and the Waves
Feeling Good - Michael Buble
I'm on a Boat - The Lonely Island (the SNL guys)
Don't Stop Believin' (Glee Cast version) - Glee Cast
Can't Fight This Feeling - REO Speedwagon
Womanizer - Britney Spears
Closer - Ne-Yo
Little Secrets - Passion Pit
I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas
Single - New Kids on the Block
Say Hey (I Love You) - Michael Franti & Spearhead
Proud Mary - Tina Turner
SUCH a random (and embarrassing – I’m looking at you, New Kids and Speedwagon) selection, I know. But they all make me happy, or they’re fun to sing along with, you get the idea.
In terms of exercise, I live in a 3 level townhouse - my room is on the top floor and the washer/dryer is in the basement. I only did two (enormous) loads but I made several more trips, and I counted the steps. A total of 736 steps, up and down. This equals out to 28 trips up and down, or 14 trips each way. I definitely sweat a bit, and I was out of breath because I made sure to hustle when I was going up and down.
I also did some free weight exercises with some *sheepish look* seriously dusty hand weights I had in the corner of my room. Heh. I did three sets of ten for five different arm/chest moves, and then the same rep amount of an oblique side-to-side type of move. Apologies, I am terrible at identifying names of muscle movement exercises. You remember when I referred to one gym machine as “the butt one”, right? At least oblique is in the right direction. Anyway.
Overall, I don’t think my cardio exercise today was strenuous enough, but at least I did something. I guess the day isn’t over, though; maybe I will do a little dancing. Dancing is the one thing that I could do forever and never tire of it. If I could relive my life I would absolutely enroll in dance classes at a young age and stay with it, even if I didn’t do anything professionally with it.
I'm currently eating a snack. Raw carrots/broccoli, and tzatziki sauce for enhanced tastiness:
And yes, it's sitting on my desk and those papers are begging to be sorted through and organized. Meh to the Pppbbbbth.
PS - Nail polish color? My current favorite, Macks, by Essie:
1 piece of toast, whole grain bread, with ShmI Shman’t Schmelieve Spray.
1 cup of cottage cheese
1 Dannon Light and Fit yogurt (raspberry...the superior yogurt flavor)
1 can of V8.
I just looked at the nutrition label on my yogurt – aspartame. The V8 has “flavoring” which doesn’t sound promising. The butter spray can’t be natural. Craaaaaaaaaap.
It was pretty eye opening. Cutting that stuff out makes sense, especially since I’ve been talking about the importance of eating healthy versus being a slave to calories.
I guess I have farther to go in the Eating Fresh and Healthy quest than I thought. I think I’m going to move forward gradually, because it feels like a pretty big undertaking and I need to do some more research. Also, as I live at home still I am not 100% in control of all the food that comes into this house, nor do I feel comfortable having my own grocery list in addition to that of my parents. They are already supporting me fully financially. I feel guilty enough as it is.
So for now I’ll compromise and do my best to stay away from the obvious things.
Also, I got an email from Spark People, giving me the recipe of the day. It was Healthy Moussaka. I immediately start laughing because all I can think of is this:
With all of that in mind, here are some things that I like or that make me happy:
*losing weight*beagles*football season*swimming*a certain boy*fall weather*jon stewart*road trips*coffee*picnics*nail polish*harry potter*office supplies*farmers markets*long, hot showers*aviator sunglasses*tobias funke*belting songs in my car*camping*hello kitty*california*friends that are like family*down comforters*cooking*london*writing letters*fridges when they're covered in pictures*gardens*the word 'clever'*polka dots*and clearly,using lower case letters for everything.
What things make you happy??
This morning I had one of the most perfect apples ever. Of the gala variety, it was perfectly crisp and juicy and sweet. Agh, it was so good. So for breakfast:
*1 perfect gala apple
*(2) egg subst. with salsa (each egg was 1/4 of a cup, totaling 60 calories, plus the 20-30 cals of salsa, roughly)
*Cup of coffee with Sugar-Free French Vanilla Coffee Mate.
*Fish oil caplet with a glass of water
I go through phases of foods that I like. I’ll eat the same thing over and over again for three weeks and then grow tired of it. You can see I'm in the midst of an affair with eggs and salsa. I’m just now getting over my addiction to my chicken salad (chicken, light mayo, craisins, green apple chunks).
Right now I’m trying to use spinach as often as I can, and incorporate blueberries into my meals in fun ways. I’m lucky that so many healthy foods are bright and colorful and can make for a visually appealing meal because I like to look at my food just as much as I like to eat it. It’s fun for me to do research on healthy food recipes and types of foods to eat, and come up with my own creations and have that creative outlet. It’s good for my brain, my body, and my waistline!
This is not to say that I don’t love stuffing my face with chinese food, pizza, and any snack cake Little Debbie has ever made, because SWEET JEEBUS I DO. But it’s kind of a comfort to know that maybe I already have tools that will help me lose this weight, and I don’t have to be completely on guard against myself for a year, or forever. It’s nice to be able to trust yourself, even just a little bit, isn’t it?
I’m saying that I was probably more like 257 or 258 last week, because when I tell you that I stepped on the scale this morning and it read:
(!!!!!!!!!!!!)I was stoked beyond belief, but also skeptical. There is no way it’s a seven pound loss – it’s probably closer to 4 or 5. BUT STILL! I’m takin’ it!
And I swear, this happens every time, whenever I feel light and airy and think the numbers will actually reflect that, I gain weight. But if I’m stepping on the scale feeling heavy and gross, I will have lost weight. It’s the weirdest thing. And sure enough, I felt like a boulder this morning, and yet, check out that number!
That’s a good way to start a day, don’t you think?
This week I need to make sure I don’t rest on my laurels!
It doesn’t help that my gym is closed today because of Labor Day. Maybe I’ll find time to dance around my room today and either use hand-weights or that weight band thing I have. I’m not really a big exercise video person, though I do have a couple of pilates videos. Sometimes I feel like it’s just glorified rolling around on the floor, but I’m pretty sure that’s because I’m doing it wrong. Anyway, maybe I’ll figure out some kind of exercise to do today. And not eat because I’m bored!
Also: I added a guideline for myself over yonder on the right side, for month-by-month calculations. If I stick to those numbers I will achieve my goal! I did the same for SWL1 and it always motivated me. It helps me visualize the end results, but understand that it only happens with the smaller victories along the way.
And I joined Twitter. Fun times.
What I’m listening to: Oh Happy Day – Sister Act II Soundtrack (don’t you judge!!!! hahaha)
06 September 2009
*2 Laughing Cow Light cheese wedges
*A handful of Craisins.
*Broccoli (with I Can’t Believe Yada Yada Spray)
* (1) Individual Potato Gratin
*3/4 of a breast of Chicken a L'orange
With the chicken we used boneless skinless so it was much healthier, I would assume. Also, it was tough to eat just one of those potato things – they were so good and perfectly crispy. I just made sure that I focused on the broccoli.
I tried to eat slowly, but it’s actually pretty tough if you’re not invested in the dinner conversation. I wasn’t tonight, so I literally had nothing better to do than eat. I mean, I took breaks to focus on my water and drink a few glasses of that to slow myself down, but I still felt like I was eating too fast. I’ve noticed that when I’ve been out to dinner and really engaged in storytelling or conversations that I eat way less, but it takes me more time to eat. And I’m still full at the end. Trickery! Hmmph.
After dinner I wanted something sweet but I thought to myself: Me, if our self-control is under control, let’s capitalize on that, shall we? So I’m just having water with one of those Wal-Mart Sugar-Free drink mixes, you know the individual ones you put in your water bottle? I have the Cherry-Limeade ones, and I kid you not, it tastes like a melted popsicle. And again, I do not make such endorsements lightly. You won’t find any “flavored air tastes JUST LIKE A COOKIE” nonsense around these parts.
PS: To my lovely commenters, thank you! I know I just started this blog and I’m a n00b to the weight-loss blogging community, so it’s so great to hear from you and I’ve loved reading your blogs too. And I will continue to do so!
What I’m listening to: Coconut Records – This Old Machine
What I’m watching: Family Guy –“Don’t Make Me Over” S4E4
This is what 260, size 24, looks like.
I took them right before I left yesterday. Hope you enjoy my obnoxiously orange t-shirt! That's how we roll at VT. Even though we ended up losing to Alabama. Sad face.
Honestly, I feel bigger than these pictures make me look. Which I suppose isn't a bad thing. Maybe it's the dark-wash jeans.
My least favorite – and what I hope will become my most favorite – part of the picture(s) is the several hundred chins I’m sporting. Because...
...Can I tell you something? Promise you won’t tell? I actually think I’m pretty. I like my face. And somewhere along the line I developed the mindset that thinking such things about yourself was a bad thing. And during SuccessfulWeightLoss1.0 (SWL1?), you could definitely tell that I had lost weight by my face. Namely, one less chin every so many pounds. It was my favorite part about losing weight, and I can’t wait to see it again, and go further this time. God/Allah/Alanis Morrissette willing.
I drove down to my friends’ place, and stopped to get a six pack of MGD 64. SPOILER ALERT! They taste like water. But worth it for the low-cal aspect. I almost didn’t get them, because I knew my friends had stocked up on beer, liquor, what have you, and I was hesitant to get something that would make me stick out from everyone else.
I know, that sounds pathetic.
I think it has something to do with the particular group I was visiting. We all went to college together, and we used to party. A lot. My reputation still holds up in the group, despite years of calming down on such fronts. When we all get together, everyone wants to relive the glory days and I’m exhausted just thinking about it.
(Also, I don’t like to say “I’m not drinking that much because I’m trying to lose weight” because I don’t particularly like calling attention to the fact that I am the size that I am. It’s completely obvious anyway, but, I dunno, I can’t always keep a lid on the crazy.)
Ultimately the beer situation was fine. I had to protest a few times, but I think I blew it out of proportion. I tend to do that, I’m a worrier. Anyway, I enjoyed four of my own beers, over an eight hour time frame. Are you seeing the picture I’m painting here? There I was with my four little ultralight beers surrounded by a steady stream of beer and a whirlwind of shots (sweet sassy molassy, they did so many shots – I was hurting just watching them) and vodka-soaked watermelon. FOR. EIGHT. HOURS. It was…tiring.
In terms of food, they had tons of snacks but I took it easy, I think. I had:
*A few Baked Scoops with black bean and corn salsa.
*A grand total of, like, 2 potato chips or something like that. I was pretty proud of myself for leaving them alone.
*A couple bites of spinach-artichoke dip with 2 club crackers.
*Shrimp cocktail. Throughout the night I maybe had about 10 of them, maybe? I didn’t keep track. But I figured they had protein so out of everything they were my best bet? I have no idea if that is the right line of thinking.
My favorite part was that I had a turkey burger for dinner. I didn’t know those were going to be there, and I was happy. I’m fairly confident that they are much healthier than their red-meat friends so even served with cheese and a bun, I was still happy with my choice.
So that was my trip! I got home today, and as I mentioned, just fixed myself some lunch. I sautéed onions and red cabbage in just a little bit of extra virgin olive oil and a tablespoon of black bean sauce (equal to maybe 15 calories) and then put it over spinach. It is unbelievably delicious. Seriously. [EDIT: I forgot to add, I also had a glass of milk and a fish oil caplet. Shiny hair, here I come!]
Oh and there was no exercising of any kind yesterday. Also, that laundry and cleaning? Didn’t happen. But I have a good excuse! …I didn’t feel like it. Eh? Eh?
(Still listening and watching all things GLEE-related. I am in love with this show)
So my mini-trip was good. All I had before I left was the breakfast (at noon, heh) and then I took along carrots and celery in the car. So, here’s something. I was driving along, and there is a car on my right, and the driver’s outline appears to be that of a young male’s. Do you know what I did? I stopped chewing. Like, mid-carrot. I stopped chewing because the first thing that came to my mind was that he would think “How stereotypical, fat girl eating. She can’t stop eating, ever.” And I realized how absurd this was, because 1: That’s not at all the context in which I am eating and 2: Who gives a flying fuck what the guy in the car next to me thinks!
So I resumed eating. But it also reminded me of an article I saw on Jezebel about how the “Skinny Glutton” is such a popular character right now – Liz Lemon on 30 Rock, for example. Ordering a meatball sandwich with extra bread. It’s hilarious, and yet, if we saw it in real life, she wouldn’t have the body of Tina Fey nor would we think it was funny or endearingly quirky. But please don't get me wrong, I love 30 Rock, it's one of my favorite shows ever. The article also points out Grace Adler from Will&Grace and Lorelei Gilmore from Gilmore Girls.
And it made me think: if I was slender or thin or whatever, I would feel like my eating would be cute or quirky or adorable. I’ve seen it happen in real life. But since I'm big, then all of a sudden it’s a matter of no self control, or it’s repulsive. At least that’s how I feel about it. And it’s annoying. But that article made me feel better, like it was conditioning in a way.
The obvious message here is to not give a good damn what other people think (and to maybe not garner our values from television) but I’m just not that thick-skinned. Surprisingly, I’ve gotten better about it over the years, but I still get that knee-jerk feeling of self-consciousness whenever I’m eating in public or sometimes, just being out at all. Meh.
I’ll get to the actual trip later today. I just got home about 30 minutes ago, and I’m starving – so I’m going to go make myself something to eat. Take that, guy in the car.
What I’m listening to: Don’t Stop Believin’ (Glee Cast Version)
What I’m watching: GLEE! And SYTYCD, both start this Wednesday. I’m hyped!