19 December 2011
i have been in therapy since april. but from april until about...october, i was mainly spending my 45-50 minutes talking about the guy i had been dating at the end of 2010 and took a job overseas. that's a whole rollercoaster that no one needs to go on ever again, but the point is that i really wasn't focusing on ME. and now i'm trying to do that. it's actually difficult. i didn't think it would be this tough to stay focused on my own happiness.
i got an email on the 28th of november about a black friday deal at my gym - if you sign up for personal training, you don't have to pay monthly membership fees. so i took a leap and signed up, for a 30 minute session once a week...for a year. i've been, what, 3 times now? i still get really anxious the day of, and dread it all day, but ultimately i'm happy that i signed up. my trainer is nice, patient, supportive, and pushes me but not to the point of perfection. and at least this week, i've been motivated enough to go a few more times on my own. so it's good and i'm trying to take it little by little.
i've been eating better, but of course have my downfalls. i haven't gotten on a scale in a few weeks. i don't want it to be about that. do i want to know if i lost two pounds or five? you bet your ass i do. but going to the gym and taking my wellbutrin and seeing a therapist every other week isn't about losing pounds. it's about being healthy. yes i know that means weighing less, but i want that to happen because i'm doing things for the sake of my well being, if that makes sense. it's a necessary and delightful side effect, or something.
so anyway. i'm trying. can i lighten things up a bit now, also? i'm a happy person, damnit. and yeah, i'm going through a lot but i still know how to laugh, for christ's sake.
*florence + the machine's new album is awesome.
*spotify premium is awesome.
*my christmas rap playlist is awesome.
*i am getting a promotion at work. awesome.
awesome thing i did today:
so that dude, the guy i mentioned up above, i wrote a post a few months ago that i walked away. well, he got in contact with me and apologized, and i gave him a second chance. and then he went and treated me the same exact way. so today i cut it off again, for good this time. and i was in the midst of eating pizza and ice cream, but stopped myself halfway through, threw away the remaining food, and went to the gym.
13 November 2011
I know nobody reads this because I have been MIA, but in advance please forgive this post for sounding overly only-child-ish and stream-of-consciousness-ish.
I'm not doing great. The only positive thing I've got going health wise is a self-imposed ban on all non-grocery store foods. Of course that still doesn't keep me from buying and eating ice cream like four times a day. But at least I'm not eating (nor wasting money on) unhealthy delivery food. But that is neither here nor there, at the moment.
I used to feel like I had a spark. A mischevious light inside of me that held my hope, my optimism, my sense of levity. It's gone and I am scared to death that I can't get it back. That voice, that feeling that told me "you will find your place, you have something special to contribute to the world, you are going to thrive and be happy"....gone. Not a trace of it anymore.
Maybe I only had so much. Whatever a person has to make them keep fighting and trying to find their way, maybe a person only has so much fight in them and I feel like I'm at my limit. I've already wasted what I had, so now what?
I feel so lost and hopeless and lonely. It takes all of my effort to shower, and truth be told I haven't done that in about 4 days. I'm scaring the shit out of myself, to be honest. But I don't feel the reason to pick myself back up, I just don't. That place where those feelings used to come from, it seems dried up and I don't know what to do.
17 August 2011
but for now, i want to tell you that i am proud of myself. i broke up with bill today. it was long overdue, but i walked away because i was miserable. i don't deserve to feel wrong for being a loving, caring person that can open her heart and trust and love and find happiness and satisfaction in making others happy. i am proud for standing up for myself and nurturing those traits.
07 August 2011
In June my dear friend from high school got married to a lovely girl from the Czech Republic; so a handful of us went over for the wedding. After a few days in Pilsen, I departed for Rome for 3 days on my own. It was spectacular.
I went to California a month later for my godbrother's wedding, and to meet my godsister's new baby. I don't have any pictures from that...oops? But it was great.
After I got back I wasn't feeling great, I was spending too much money on delivery (and too many calories, natch) food and I was just feeling physically (and emotionally) weighed down.
So the past couple of weeks, I've been doing better. If you follow me on twitter you can see that I just synced an app (Noom, for Android) I have that tracks your exercise and meals. Even if it's just walking, it tracks you via GPS which is brilliant. The meals thing is interesting, and I use it as more of an estimate b/c I am also keeping a Food/Mood journal as part of therapy.
I am hesitant about exercise, because I have this idea in my head (especially with sharing it on Twitter) that I have to be running 5 miles and lifting weights for an hour and be "proud" of my exercise and compete with everyone else. That walking for 20 or 30 minutes isn't good enough. Because I CAN run, even for short periods of time, but I'm embarrassed that I'm so limited. And I'm not competitive when it comes to fitness, I don't have any fitness-related goals, really. I just want to be healthy and weigh less. I have Noom set up for me to weigh 150 pounds, which, is really lofty, I know. But I'm just taking it day by day, and trying to keep my office and home stocked with healthy things that take little or no time to put together.
Including, my version of a McGriddle:
That is 1 piece of Arnold's Double Fiber bread, 1 piece of Sorrento's Cheddar/Mozarella cheese, egg substitute, 1 Jimmy Dean Turkey sausage, and 1 TBSP of Hungry Jack syrup on the bread. It's much better calorie and fat content-wise, but of course, healthier breakfasts exist :) But it's an enjoyable breakfast!
I'm having some work and relationship woes (the dude overseas in Iraq...that whole mess is still in existence) but I'm really trying so hard not to turn to food. There are days where I want to come home and burrow in my couch and order too much Thai food. But this past week I've stopped myself. Sometimes the incentive of saving money overrides the health aspect, but I'll take it either way.
I weighed myself last week, Monday I think? And I was at 238.2. So I'll probably check again tomorrow or Tuesday (and update in Noom, of course) and see how it goes. I just want to take it day by day and be grateful for what I have.
18 June 2011
i am not clever today. but while i'm here, you know what's awesome? Girl Talk. the end. continue reading.
20 May 2011
A: Um, generally hiding and being unhappy with life.
Q: Have you been eating well?
A: Do you consider a new obsession with McGriddles “well”?
Q: What about exercising?
A: The five minute walk from the metro to my office (and back again) and walking up the escalators.
Q: So…no, is what you’re saying.
A: Yeah, no.
Q: How much do you weigh?
A: Somewhere in the 230-240 range is my guess. I haven’t weighed myself in a few weeks, and that was many sausage, egg, cheese on a croissants ago, so it’s anybody’s guess.
Q: What’s your deal with breakfast sandwiches?
A: I don’t know, man, I don’t know.
Q: So what brings you here anyway?
A: A lack of motivation to do work on a Friday?
Q: No but really.
A: To say that, I went to the doctor a few times and found out I have borderline high cholesterol, so, I actually do need to eat better, McGriddles aside.
Q: How many McGriddles have you had!?
A: Actually just one, yesterday morning. But holy hell was it amazing.
Q: Anything else you’d like to share?
A: Yeah. Wellbutrin. I mean, I don’t want to share my stash but I started taking it yesterday. Between a really mentally/emotionally unhealthy work environment and my weight gain due to stress and emotional eating, I’m really unhappy…and I’ve been seeing a therapist for about a month which has been great but I need some extra help. Plus Wellbutrin is a stimulant and an appetite suppressant…
Q: Do you want Wellbutrin to do all the diet and exercise work for you?
Q: You realize that’s ridiculous.
Q: Well how do you feel so far?
A: Um, I’m sure a lot of it is only psychosomatic at this point, but, I feel good. It feels like I have more energy to do the basic things like…showering, brushing my teeth, cooking for myself, that were a struggle to do before, which were fairly clear signs of depression. And whether it’s psychosomatic or actually working, I’ll take it either way.
Q: Yeah that’s true. Well good!
A: Thank you. I was initially scared to admit that I might need it, and it felt like I was admitting that something is fundamentally wrong with me – even though counseling has taught me better, I still have perfectionist tendencies and I have issues with something being “wrong” with me. But I’m an adult and it’s my job to make myself feel better, so I’m trying.
Q: That sounds reasonable.
A: Sure, I guess. We’ll see in a couple of weeks when it takes effect.
Q: So, a low-cholesterol diet, hm?
A: IT’S LIKE THEY’RE TAKING AWAY MY HAPPINESS.
Q: Whoa there tiger.
A: I’m sorry, I know.
Q: Is this still about McGriddles?
A: THEY HAVE LITTLE TINY POCKETS OF MAPLE SYRUP THAT BLEND IN WITH THE SAVORY FLAVORS! IT’S GENIUS.
21 February 2011
my breakfast was: a cup of coffee, and an egg scramble with egg substitute, a sprinkling of feta cheese, and frozen spinach, peppers and onions. and ketchup, of course.
i have my first voice/singing lesson tonight at 8pm.
i finished doing ALL of my laundry and have started a pile of clothing to donate or give away.
celebrate the good things.
17 February 2011
16 February 2011
I had an intense conversation with him yesterday. It’s a long complex thing that I could analyze til I’m blue in the face (and I’ve already been doing this, let’s be honest here) but…he loves me, but he can’t take “us” more serious until he knows what is going to happen next year when his middle east deal is up.
I owned up to my feelings, and now it’s time to face facts in some ways. There is a man who loves me, but is ultimately unavailable and may stay that way. The feelings are there, but he is thinking about work and grad school classes and getting his life on track.
Here’s the thing, I went through all of that last year. I started my career, I moved out on my own (okay, yes, with two roommates), I got a hell of a lot closer to the life I want. And so being in a relationship was the next thing that I wanted. And I actually found that someone! It took me 9-10 months of solid dating andso I’m still holding on so tightly because, I finally found him and I let him into that newer, better life and then he left and I’m still sad about these places in my life where he used to be.
So here’s what I WANT to say: I’m gonna take this conversation we had and put it in a box, wrap it up and slap a Don’t Take It Personally Bow on it, and put in away in the top shelf of my closet for now. And then put on a cute outfit from said closet and go out into the world and get what I want in the mean time.
(Neither Here Nor There, or NHNT: the outfit I’m wearing today has been described by a coworker as “Hot Cowgirl”)
Of course It’s one thing to write it, it’s another to believe it and truly clear my head and heartspace of him, while still wanting him in my life because he is important to me, and who knows what will happen. What I’m struggling with is… on the one hand, a relationship is something I want, and there is nothing wrong with that. And it’s my choice to put energy into something/someone I want. And god bless him, he loves me for me. I didn’t have to lose an ounce of weight for him to think I’m pretty or want the sexytimes with me.
I am scared I won’t find that again in someone that I also find attractive, and also…It took me a solid 9-10 months of dating before I found him. I don’t want to have to go through that again (look, I know, I’m going through all of this for the first time ever, cut me a little slack) and I’m an incredibly impatient person, and it’s disheartening to look at that long road that is stretched out in front of me.
I don’t know how to end this entry. OR ANYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE, CLEARLY! :-P
15 February 2011
So – I’ve been a wreck lately. I’ve been getting takeout almost every night since last week, and of course it’s in no way healthy…I spent all weekend pretty much in my bed overeating. (I was at 225.6 last week. I’m sure I’m up from that.) I have also spent the past three days crying myself to sleep. Oh also, I cried prettttty much all day at work yesterday. The area underneath my eyes is completely raw from tissues and from my hands wiping away tears.
I feel lazy and unmotivated and incapable of doing any real work. I don’t want to work hard. I want to have everything handed to me. This includes love, work, and my health. I’m in a big “I hate myself” phase right now.
Something has to change, and I’m in a terrible frame of mind, and probably not the right one that could get me doing positive things for myself. I just feel myself sliding into this dark place and I don’t care enough about myself to get out.
I need SOMETHING. I need something to hold on to that’s my own. It was Bill. Then he left. Part of me still holds him accountable for my emotional saving and it’s not fair to him, nor is it fair to me because he isn’t up for the task. So even though we talk every other day or so while he’s overseas (in a place I can’t visit and the chance of us seeing each other is very slim) it’s hard because I want him to be more emotionally engaged that he is, which is pretty much impossible to do. But I don’t want to cut him out of my life, but I need to do something for me. I need to focus on me – and actually FOCUS on me, not say it and then five minutes later sit there and wonder why Bill says “love you” or “love love” instead of “I love you” and how that must mean he really doesn’t love me. YEAH, PEOPLE. THIS IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.
Work is a hot mess right now for reasons I can’t go into, but there’s a strong chance of layoffs and I’ll have to look for a new job come May or so.
Volunteering? Working during the day eliminates a lot of things I want to do (I used to be a Girl Scout and I would love to help out) and I emailed a Beagle Rescue organization about helping but they haven’t gotten back to me yet. I thought maybe I could volunteer or do something for a women’s health/weightloss clinic but I’ve been unlucky in my searches so far.
Bocce doesn’t start until April so I have to wait for that…and it's once a week but I am really looking forward to it.
I don’t have money to do much else, especially right now, so it’s hard to try and try hobbies or activities…. See? I just sit here and feel sorry for myself that I don’t make enough money, my job sucks the life out of me, and the man I let into my life is gone physically and in many ways emotionally.
I’m dicking around with my own life and I can’t climb out of this cycle. Honestly what I really want to go is start therapy but I can’t afford it, and my work insurance doesn’t cover it. I just feel so defeated and worthless. And crazy, too - going from "Let's DO IT, LIFE!" to "I HATE IT" in less than two weeks. How can I possibly make it through life, it’s too hard and I’m not good enough to do the hard work I know it takes.
03 February 2011
I still sort of feel like a phony with the blogging and the tweeting again. But I have been repeating to myself all day...health & happy, healthy & happy. That seems to help.
I went to Zumba tonight! I pride myself on being able to dance - I have rhythm and some moves, but...I was TERRIBLE at it! But that's okay, it was fun; I'm looking forward to going back and getting better. And it's fun to sort of treat it like dance class, too. And I really like the instructor, she was cool. So yay! Now to see if I am sore tomorrow...
The eats of the day (side note: this is so sad....but I ate ALL THREE meals at work today. So...unfortunate) were pretty good!
Packet of emergen-c with water (I wouldn’t list it, but it is technically 25 calories, and if it has calories, it gets mentioned!)
Breakfast: pomegranate Chobani, half of a whole wheat bagel thin with PB&Co The Bees Knees peanut butter...the best peanut butter in our solar system.
Lunch: an orange! (I cannot remember the last time I had an orange…), and a sandwich: trader joe’s multi-grain bread, half a laughing cow wedge, one slice white American cheese, a few ounces of low-sodium turkey breast, and a slice and a half of avocado
Snack: chocolate peppermint stick luna bar
Dinner: Spa Lean Cuisine, Apple Cranberry Chicken
And lots of water and a cup or two of green tea.
I feel good. I feel good that I'm doing good things for myself. I am still having a lot of trouble with Bill (CRAP THERE GOES THE BAN...didn't even last one. freaking. day.) and looking for his praise to guide how I'm feeling. I need to fix this. I hope it comes with practice, and with time. I want to be able to do it without having to cut him out of my life...it's not his fault I have low self-esteem and he can't live up to my unrealistic expectations and constant need for validation...if it wasn't him it'd be someone else. It needs to be ME for once. I think this is going to take just as much work as losing weight...
healthy and happy...healthy and happy.
02 February 2011
Okay there used to be a video here - but I'm dumb and can't figure out its formatting with the new blog template - here is the link to the YouTube video! My channel! All two videos! http://www.youtube.com/user/100in12
Point the first: CHINZ I HAZ THEM.
Point the second: Maybe I'll get better at talking. Maaaaybe.
So, what AM I talking about, exactly?
I'm sick of myself, the way I am now. Right now I'm still clinging to Bill**, we'll call him (that is not his real name), the guy I was dating last year that left a few weeks ago to work overseas for a year as a contractor. It's a long story that isn't worth telling, really...but here are the major points: We went on our first date in September, in December we really started spending a lot more time together, and on New Years he said I Love You, (I love/d him too) and he left on the 14th of January. (I knew this going in, he had already applied to the job before we met, and found out he got it like 2 weeks after our first date) He's going to be in a middle-eastern country for a year, and he doesn't know what he wants to do afterwards, which includes potentially NOT coming back to the DC area. We're keeping in touch and he tells me he loves me, that he misses me, and that I mean a lot to him....but as far as I know we aren't together. He's a great guy, and he cares about me, but his head is ultimately somewhere else.
I lost myself, I'll admit it. I lived for his validation. I still kind of feel like I do, even though he's far away. But I need to really make the effort to let go. I still love him, and want to continue to do so, but I need to get back to myself. I need hobbies, for goodness' sake!
Fun stuff coming up this summer that I referenced:
*A week in Prague and London for a high school friend's wedding
*A week in California for my godbrother's wedding
*My 10 year high school reunion! EEPS!
So like I said, some things that I want to feel happy for. I deserve to be happy and healthy, but it's going to take some work. We all know this.
Tuesday through Thursdays at my gym (yeah...the one I haven't been to since July of 2010...) at 6:30 they have dance/exercise classes. Tuesdays are hip hop, Wednesdays are Cardio Dance, and Thursdays are Zumba. I'm going. I'M GOING TO THESE.
I also have a Living Social deal for one month of unlimited Bikram yoga at this one studio on the Hill. I haven't used it yet...I'm working up the courage - I'm absolutely scared to go, being so large. I'm afraid I will pass out or vomit in front of a room full of strangers. I have to start it by March, so time's ticking on this one!
I have been better in the past week with eating. Vegetables. Cooking, not eating out. It hasn't been perfect, but it's better. Drinking water, taking vitamins...eating deliberately.
That's what I want. To get healthy and happy. For me.
(**NOTE: This is the last time I will talk about him..I'm banning it from this blog and my general everyday conversation topics...unless he ends up doing something SUPER out-of-character-romantic...which won't happen.)