I am going to make up for my absence with pictures? Maybe?

So it's been a while. Ups and downs, amazing places, bad food and good food. But today I'm in a pretty good place, all things considered. So here are some pictures.

In June my dear friend from high school got married to a lovely girl from the Czech Republic; so a handful of us went over for the wedding. After a few days in Pilsen, I departed for Rome for 3 days on my own. It was spectacular.

I saw and ate amazingly wonderful things.

I went to California a month later for my godbrother's wedding, and to meet my godsister's new baby. I don't have any pictures from that...oops? But it was great.

After I got back I wasn't feeling great, I was spending too much money on delivery (and too many calories, natch) food and I was just feeling physically (and emotionally) weighed down.

So the past couple of weeks, I've been doing better. If you follow me on twitter you can see that I just synced  an app (Noom, for Android) I have that tracks your exercise and meals. Even if it's just walking, it tracks you via GPS which is brilliant. The meals thing is interesting, and I use it as more of an estimate b/c I am also keeping a Food/Mood journal as part of therapy.

I am hesitant about exercise, because I have this idea in my head (especially with sharing it on Twitter) that I have to be running 5 miles and lifting weights for an hour and be "proud" of my exercise and compete with everyone else. That walking for 20 or 30 minutes isn't good enough. Because I CAN run, even for short periods of time, but I'm embarrassed that I'm so limited. And I'm not competitive when it comes to fitness, I don't have any fitness-related goals, really. I just want to be healthy and weigh less. I have Noom set up for me to weigh 150 pounds, which, is really lofty, I know. But I'm just taking it day by day, and trying to keep my office and home stocked with healthy things that take little or no time to put together.

Including, my version of a McGriddle:

That is 1 piece of Arnold's Double Fiber bread, 1 piece of Sorrento's Cheddar/Mozarella cheese, egg substitute, 1 Jimmy Dean Turkey sausage, and 1 TBSP of Hungry Jack syrup on the bread. It's much better calorie and fat content-wise, but of course, healthier breakfasts exist :) But it's an enjoyable breakfast!

I'm having some work and relationship woes (the dude overseas in Iraq...that whole mess is still in existence) but I'm really trying so hard not to turn to food. There are days where I want to come home and burrow in my couch and order too much Thai food. But this past week I've stopped myself. Sometimes the incentive of saving money overrides the health aspect, but I'll take it either way.

I weighed myself last week, Monday I think? And I was at 238.2. So I'll probably check again tomorrow or Tuesday (and update in Noom, of course) and see how it goes. I just want to take it day by day and be grateful for what I have.

i am not clever today. but while i'm here, you know what's awesome? Girl Talk. the end. continue reading.

This morning I went to therapy, and brought a breakfast of oatmeal and blueberries and tea with me. Then I had therapy, and of course, cried, like I always do. Then I went to yoga, sweated a LOT (and it wasn’t even hot yoga :-P) and at the end, cried a little too. Something about taking all the bad energy out and replacing it with good made me realize how MUCH bad energy and negative thoughts I have right now.

I am almost wholly unhappy. And I will admit to having a tough time seeing the brighter side. I know there is one, and I’m smart enough to know that I am lucky enough to have things that others don’t. But I’m internally unhappy. I can’t remember the last time I genuinely laughed, like that kind of laugh that comes from your core and is pure happiness emanating from you.

But I’m trying. The wellbutrin is fine – I feel like I’ve evened out now, I don’t feel that “ENERGYOMFGLOLZBBQLMNOP!@#” that I did in the beginning, which was probably psychosomatic. Which is fine. But it helps me by allowing me not to spend any of my positive energy forcing myself to shower, brush my teeth, talk to people…that feels more natural and I can try and focus some positivity towards myself….if that makes sense. Too much therapy-talk? Maybe. Is this a LOT of navel-gazing? Probably.

So…things aren’t great. But I’m trying. I ate a good breakfast, and I’m doing yoga once a week, and over time I want to build it up to 2 times, maybe 3 if I can afford it. And my counselor had me order a book about eating disorders (mine being emotional eating and some binge eating – never purging, but still the binge eating) so I hope I can do some hard work there and have a better relationship with food. And with myself.

A few weeks ago I weighed myself and I was 238. And yesterday I weighed myself and I was 234. So I’m happy about that. But I’m being careful not to feel or think that “THIS IS IT! This is THE time that it works! I’m on my way and never looking back!” Do I want that? Of course I do. But I’m trying to be careful with myself this time around.

I say a lot of things and never actually do them. I’m trying the reverse this time, I guess.

I miss you guys. 

headlights on dark roads - snow patrol

"I will reach out and take it....'cause I'm so tired of all this fear"

I still sort of feel like a phony with the blogging and the tweeting again. But I have been repeating to myself all day...health & happy, healthy & happy. That seems to help.

I went to Zumba tonight! I pride myself on being able to dance - I have rhythm and some moves, but...I was TERRIBLE at it! But that's okay, it was fun; I'm looking forward to going back and getting better. And it's fun to sort of treat it like dance class, too. And I really like the instructor, she was cool. So yay! Now to see if I am sore tomorrow...

The eats of the day (side note: this is so sad....but I ate ALL THREE meals at work today. So...unfortunate) were pretty good!

Packet of emergen-c with water (I wouldn’t list it, but it is technically 25 calories, and if it has calories, it gets mentioned!)

Breakfast: pomegranate Chobani, half of a whole wheat bagel thin with PB&Co The Bees Knees peanut butter...the best peanut butter in our solar system.

Lunch: an orange! (I cannot remember the last time I had an orange…), and a sandwich: trader joe’s multi-grain bread, half a laughing cow wedge, one slice white American cheese, a few ounces of low-sodium turkey breast, and a slice and a half of avocado

Snack: chocolate peppermint stick luna bar

Dinner: Spa Lean Cuisine, Apple Cranberry Chicken

And lots of water and a cup or two of green tea.

I feel good. I feel good that I'm doing good things for myself. I am still having a lot of trouble with Bill (CRAP THERE GOES THE BAN...didn't even last one. freaking. day.) and looking for his praise to guide how I'm feeling. I need to fix this. I hope it comes with practice, and with time. I want to be able to do it without having to cut him out of my life...it's not his fault I have low self-esteem and he can't live up to my unrealistic expectations and constant need for validation...if it wasn't him it'd be someone else. It needs to be ME for once. I think this is going to take just as much work as losing weight...

healthy and happy...healthy and happy.

I have to write to supplement my attempts at talking.

I'm bad at talking to you. Case and point:

Okay there used to be a video here - but I'm dumb and can't figure out its formatting with the new blog template - here is the link to the YouTube video! My channel! All two videos! http://www.youtube.com/user/100in12

Point the first: CHINZ I HAZ THEM.
Point the second: Maybe I'll get better at talking. Maaaaybe.

So, what AM I talking about, exactly?

I'm sick of myself, the way I am now. Right now I'm still clinging to Bill**, we'll call him (that is not his real name), the guy I was dating last year that left a few weeks ago to work overseas for a year as a contractor. It's a long story that isn't worth telling, really...but here are the major points: We went on our first date in September, in December we really started spending a lot more time together, and on New Years he said I Love You, (I love/d him too) and he left on the 14th of January. (I knew this going in, he had already applied to the job before we met, and found out he got it like 2 weeks after our first date) He's going to be in a middle-eastern country for a year, and he doesn't know what he wants to do afterwards, which includes potentially NOT coming back to the DC area. We're keeping in touch and he tells me he loves me, that he misses me, and that I mean a lot to him....but as far as I know we aren't together. He's a great guy, and he cares about me, but his head is ultimately somewhere else.

I lost myself, I'll admit it. I lived for his validation. I still kind of feel like I do, even though he's far away. But I need to really make the effort to let go. I still love him, and want to continue to do so, but I need to get back to myself. I need hobbies, for goodness' sake!

Fun stuff coming up this summer that I referenced:

*A week in Prague and London for a high school friend's wedding
*A week in California for my godbrother's wedding
*My 10 year high school reunion! EEPS!

So like I said, some things that I want to feel happy for. I deserve to be happy and healthy, but it's going to take some work. We all know this.

Tuesday through Thursdays at my gym (yeah...the one I haven't been to since July of 2010...) at 6:30 they have dance/exercise classes. Tuesdays are hip hop, Wednesdays are Cardio Dance, and Thursdays are Zumba. I'm going. I'M GOING TO THESE.

I also have a Living Social deal for one month of unlimited Bikram yoga at this one studio on the Hill. I haven't used it yet...I'm working up the courage - I'm absolutely scared to go, being so large. I'm afraid I will pass out or vomit in front of a room full of strangers. I have to start it by March, so time's ticking on this one!

I have been better in the past week with eating. Vegetables. Cooking, not eating out. It hasn't been perfect, but it's better. Drinking water, taking vitamins...eating deliberately.

That's what I want. To get healthy and happy. For me.

(**NOTE: This is the last time I will talk about him..I'm banning it from this blog and my general everyday conversation topics...unless he ends up doing something SUPER out-of-character-romantic...which won't happen.)

the ups and the downs

today:

breakfast was two chicken sausage links and scrambled eggs with some heinz 57 sauce
then i had about 4 lifesaver gummies and like 5 kitkat minis (fuck you, halloween!)
then i had chick-fil-a for lunch - root beer, about 9-10 chicken nuggets, and 95% of the small/medium waffle fries

then i went for a run! map my run said it was 1.92 miles. i was gone for about 45 minutes...i guarantee only like 10 of that was actual running. but i got out there!

up next, we have a happy hour with my grad school program alums. at the cheesecake factory. SIGH. at least i was smart and looked up the nutritional facts beforehand...because...yeesh. i'm going to plan for a glass of wine, some edamame, and if i get peer pressured into cheesecake, make someone split it with me and only have a couple of bites. we'll see if i can stick to it :-P

Fitness Consult and other recent shenanigans

(Buckle up. Lots of words in this one.)

Hi! Finally had my Fitness Consult - the free one you get for signing up.

It...wasn't great, but also wasn't as bad as I thought. My stats:

Weight: 210
Body Fat %: 40! (um, yikes? but to be honest with you, I seriously thought it would be 50 or more. Not even joking. So, I know it's not good and the trainer told me as much [Um, guy, I KNOW. No need to shame me into anything - that's why I'm here!] but...yay for small, relative victories?)

I did two planks each for 20 seconds.
I did 6 pull ups (WAIT FOR IT - with about half my weight supported. HA! This cracks me up. I am curious to see how this changes if I keep at it)
I did 6 modified push ups using the bosu stability ball.

He had me do 10 minutes on the stairclimber then these other random step up balance things for my legs.

Basically, the diagnosis other than "FOR SHAME" is legs = decent, core + arms = awful. I pretty much knew that already.

So at some point this week he's going to email me with a workout plan for me to follow for about a month or so. 2 days cardio and 1 day cardio/strength. I'm gonna start with that and work my way up to...something.

I guess I'm excited. It's been a long day today (I left my house at 7am and I'm just now getting home at 9pm) so my enthusiasm has drained...but it was very much there until about 20 minutes ago!

In other REALLY EXCITING NEWS, I'm moving out the first weekend in July!!!!! Remember in my last post I mentioned that one I saw that I loved? Well that very one will be mine!! I'll have 2 roommates - who are awesome, and I think we already click. We're getting together tomorrow night after work to kind of celebrate my future-roommate-status, I think. I can't wait!

My commute will be cut in half in both time and expense (though I'm adding rent, but...it's the principle of the thing!) and there is a gym in the building, in addition to another branch of my new gym right nearby. 

I cannot wait to move and be on my own. Is it a little scary? Yes. It is long overdue? You bet it is. So I am pumped.

Another fun thing is that starting mid-July, I'm signing up for a bocce ball league with a friend of mine - he works at the place I was temping and we've kept in touch. His friends have a team and invited me to join - so I'm doing it! I think the best part about this is that I will already be living in Alexandria, so I never have to make my "Here Are the Reasons I Live at Home" speech again. That will be so nice. So relieving.

I'm looking forward to my social circle expanding. I know I'm not the svelte shape I want to be, but my confidence is still growing. I'll meet new people. Live in a new place. My job is still very much new and probably will feel that way for about a year or so. I'm good with new, I thrive on new. I'm so excited about what I can accomplish the rest of this year. Maybe landing a man will happen, maybe it won't. I'm okay with it either way.

Oh, speaking of which, can I just...talk something out? I don't want to insult anyone by telling the story I'm about to tell, but...it made me uncomfortable and maybe I need some alternate perspectives here.

So I was on the phone with my best friend, who recently found out that I had been doing EHarmony. Now, she is the type of gal that since high school has literally never been single for more than 2 weeks. Not even exaggerating. So "love" is very much important to her, because she's always had it. She's been after another friend of ours to start dating for a few years now, and even so far as saying she was going to buy her an online dating subscription for Christmas a year or two ago. She didn't end up doing it, but I always found that a little...inappropriately aggressive?

So anyway, when she and I were talking on the phone, she was like "I'm so proud of you, that's so great. I'm going to pray for you." and then to be honest, I don't remember what the rest of the conversation was.

Now, here's where you might get mad at me, for my ignorance and narrow-mindedness. So I apologize in advance. But when I hear that someone is going to pray for me, I take it as...I need to be prayed for, if that makes sense. Like...I'll pray for you to find a man. Because you need one to be fulfilled as a person.

I mean...I said thank you to her, but I..didn't quite know how else to react. I think I might have taken offense to it, actually. And I don't really take offense to a lot of things.

I guess...I mean...when I was looking for jobs, some friends and family (and maybe even some of you might have?) said that you were going to pray for me. And I thought nothing of it, other than, "that's really nice of them" - because it was something I desperately needed.

Is praying for someone reserved for dire circumstances? I don't pray often but when I do, it's when I feel someone really truly needs it. Like...they've got a problem that needs fixing. Maybe I'm just projecting because I subconsciously also think it's a problem and don't want someone else seeing it to?

But do I really, truly need a man? No. I very badly want a man, sure, but I am a complete, whole person without one. So...do you really need to pray for me?

Is anyone following my train of thought here? I mean, I understand my friend was being nice, and she loves me and cares about me..it just...bugged me.

If you have a dissenting opinion, please explain this to me! I don't mean to make waves, I just want to understand a little more.

The one in which I try to make up for my absence with semi-interesting pictures

HI.

Well, a whole month without blogging, what have I been up to?

*WORKING. My new job is great. I'm admittedly still in the honeymoon phase, but the people are great, there is SO much potential for me to really step up my game and achieve a lot professionally, and it's in an awesome area of the city and I love going there everyday.

*TURNING 27: This past Thursday (the 27th!) was my birthday! I am now 27. This is MY YEAR, people. It's been officially declared. So I've got a lot to accomplish, and you bet your ass losing weight is one of those things.

*TRYING TO MOVE. I've been looking for apartments (rooms, really) to move into. I've been looking mostly in Virginia, as I do not want to step foot inside a DMV during this process - not to mention all the money it would cost to switch over tags and what not. No thank you.

Moving is really like interviewing all over again. I'm using Craigslist, so the good/legit ads have a lot of competition. I've gotten "turned down" for one place, and I saw 2 rooms this week and they should be making a decision soon. I really sort of fell in love with one, and I hope I get it, but we'll see.

(I also put feelers out to my friends about moving out and being a potential roommate, but no one has responded...I don't think I know anyone that is in that point in their life)

The good news about moving is that I'm not at all stressed about it. It's okay if I let myself be hopeful, because the entire world isn't riding on me finding a place. Granted, it's important, but I'm in no rush. And that's a nice position to be in.

*NEW GYM. I did it - I signed up for another gym. It sucks that I'm carrying two right now - I can't quit my other one until September when my contract is up. But I hadn't been in weeks and I just hated that it didn't have enough to offer. So I joined one that is about 2 blocks from my office - and has locations in my current town, and like 5 more all in the areas where I am looking to move. So I've got my bases covered there.

Have I been going? YES. Haha, a couple of times. I still need to set up an appointment to be "shown" the gym, and they give you a free fitness consultation and all of that and show you the weights - so I've only been on cardio so far, but it's good. They also have a nice locker room and tons of showers that are clean and nice, and it's a good deal. I'm actually paying 2 dollars LESS for this gym than my old one!

*EATING. Eating has been a mixed bag. I'm pretty good during the day, breakfast and lunch and snacks are all the normal, healthy things I've been eating. Dinner is the problem. I come home and I'm tired, and I don't have the strength a lot of days to fight the urge to eat a hot dog (fine, TWO) or make a sandwich with a gigantic pile of chips, etc etc. I never win that battle, and I need to figure out a way so that I can.

In terms of weight gain, as of this past Wednesday I was at 208. To tell you the truth, I'm not all that upset. Do I want it to continue going up? Not at all, in fact, if you can believe it, I want it to go back down. But I can only balance so much. I'm giving my eating attention, don't get me wrong, but not my full attention.

HAVING FUN! I've been hanging out with my friends, going to baseball games, being touristy in my own city, all good stuff. And a lot of fun stuff planned this summer, too. Concerts, drinks with friends, Screen on the Green, Jazz in the Sculpture Garden (these last two both being very fun DC Young Professional-type things), one and maaaybe two beach trips - this is going to be a great summer.

***

So basically I still care about losing weight and getting healthy - it's just about 3rd or 4th on the list of things I am working on. The whole 100in12 thing isn't going to happen, and I guess on one hand it's disappointing that it won't happen, but if I can accomplish a shitload of things in the meantime then, we're doing allright.

I'll try and blog more. This one was mostly out of guilt that I hadn't been here in so long, and some of you were concerned. I'll tell you this - I definitely don't want to give up completely. This blog is SUCH a source of happiness for me, regardless of my attendance within the past month. It has been such a crucial tool for my success thus far and I won't give it up. But it's just not my main focus. But I'll try and do better. I hope that now that I'm identifying my lack of complete attention and effort in my weight loss areas...I'll at least care a little more. Admitting the problem is the first step, right?

Can I make up for my poor attendance here with pictures?!

First day of work outfit!

Haha, two of my friends and I pondering a map, being tourists.

The lunch I had the other day! Whole wheat naan, baby carrots, turkey, and Trader Joe's Roasted Red Pepper Hummus.

The view from the Nationals Stadium! If you ignore that scaffolding, there's an awesome view of the Capitol.

Tidbits to add to my screaming and shouting

*Finally got to bold/complete another goal on the side! And I went ahead and changed/broke up the Onederland/live at home by May thing. I know I won't get hit Onederland this coming Monday, but I will definitely hit it IN May, you can count on that! I've been maintaining most of April and I need to kick it into high gear! Mostly concerning exercise, I need to get back into it for realsies!

Especially because....I am in no way joking about that "throw myself a party" reward. I'm already planning it for memorial day weekend, haha! It just so happens that's also my birthday weekend, and my Golden Birthday! I'm turning 27 on the 27th this year. For the past few years I haven't really cared about my birthday, but this year...things are different. I deserve a damn party after these last 16 months, and to show off the work I've done since September! I'm treating myself to an indulgent afternoon with my friends and family, hanging out in (hopefully some) sunshine and grilling and enjoying the life that I've worked hard to finally get!

*I would like to take a moment to thank you guys for all of your support, for letting me bitch and complain about not having a job, for giving me a kick in the pants (Nic I love you for it!) when I needed it, and for helping me choose outfits, and all that good stuff. I love having this freaking blog and I know it's been devoid of health and food stuff lately, but rest assured there is going to be a return to that now that I've got this whole job sitch handled! Plus with working towards Onederland and beyond, I'm gonna need to revamp my efforts and I absolutely include blogging (and COMMENTING, geez, Lazy McSelfish over here) in that.

*Also, (basically...Steve I'm looking at you) does anyone have any recommendations for me on fun stuff to do in Annapolis, MD? My friend and I are taking a day trip there on Saturday just for fun, and we need things to do! We've already got our restaurant picked out, but we need other fun (and hopefully cheap/free!) things to do and explore during the day. Comment or email me! (100in12@gmail.com)

*Look at the dinner my friends and I made last night! The chicken and the sweet potato fries came from this cookbook and everything turned out amazingly. And that corn on the cob was perfectly steamed, ifidosaysomyselfandido :-)

Highweigh to Hell

(While I do love AC/DC, this is the Glee Cast version! I have, of course, been listening to the newest Glee songs nonstop. HOW FUN was the Madonna episode. PS Like a Prayer is my favorite Madge song and I was so happy they sang it. Loved their version.)

Weight this AM:

204.6!

A nice 3 pound loss from last week. Hooray! I’d say I earned it. Lots of water, a leeetle more exercise, healthy food choices, no booze, all that good stuff.

I don’t think I’ll be able to pull off 4.6 pounds before next week’s May weigh-in, which is fine. I know I’ll be close and I know I’ll hit Onderland IN May. So that’ll be good. I just need to keep trying and keep making good decisions and exercising and the numbers and pants sizes will follow.

And now, I write about my emotions, far too early on a Monday morning.

This isn’t an unheard of topic, but, it’s something on my mind now that I’m nearing Onederland: fear of success. Many of you/us talk about the fear of what happens next, after we reach a big goal or inch closer towards it every day. Being large is a safety net – we can say “I would do this but I’m too big” or “The fact that I’m this size is keeping me from doing *insert activity or whatever here*” but…when that’s taken away, we don’t have any more excuses. Will I get less funny the thinner I get? Will dating really be that much easier? Will I have the courage to try new things, when it’s more likely a fear of failure or looking stupid, rather than a fear of being fat that is keeping me from doing them?

Anyway, I’m bringing these things up to sort of…prepare myself? To put it out there so I don’t fall into these traps.

*
During SWL1 (Successful Weight Loss 1.0 – from 2007 to July of 2009 I lost 65 pounds) I got down to 197 in August of 08. I felt so great and I wrote in my journal at the time “I am NEVER going back to above 200!” and what did I do a few weeks later? You guessed it. The scale went up and KEPT going up until July of 09.

Now, there was a LOT that was going on in my life that affected me emotionally and I let it completely crush any motivation I had. I had lost the weight that put me under 200 while I was in London. I was living my dream. Working for an arts organization, in London, not living with my parents, I was just. me. I have never been happier than in those two months. And a ton of weight came off. I was eating well and walking everywhere. Even when the tube was available and we were given our transportation stipend…I walked. Just to do it. God I loved it.

Anyway, so I come back home, rode the London high for about a week, and then stopped eating well and exercising. I was so depressed to be back home. To be a dependent. To be still so closely tied to my parents, knowing full well that I should have been out on my own by then. There were additional issues happening then too that greatly contributed to my lack of emotional health, but this was a big factor. Sigh. And the weight slowly crept up, and then it shot up in Jan-July of 09.

I had the opportunity to look at things positively – to capitalize on my time in London and keep it going, even though I didn’t like the circumstances I was returning to. It’s not like they weren’t the same ones that I was living in two months prior before I left. I’m no psychologist, but maybe I let myself get bogged down in my emotions (I’m cutting myself a little slack because at that point, and definitely from Jan-July 09, I think my depression was pretty, uh, robust) and allowed myself to gain weight – some part of me was afraid of weighing less and less.

*

I haven’t weighed under 200 in maybe 7 or 8 years? I’m a little scared of the responsibility that comes with it, to be honest. The second half of my journey (the next 50 pounds) is harder – it’s harder to lose weight the smaller you get, and I’m afraid of the struggle. I’m afraid of how much harder I’m going to have to work and I’m scared of not being able to do it.

So I’m coming up on Onederland…and I find out this week or next whether or not I got that job. If I get it, it means I can make plans to move out. Now, the interview went well and (I looked snazzy thanks to you all, by the by. I went with the jacket and the coral top. Thank you for all your input! The coral was the one I had in my mind to begin with and I’m glad the majority vote was with me!) there is nothing I could have done better. But if I don’t get it…I have no other prospects on the horizon.

I just don’t want any potentially disappointing news to trigger anything – to then allow myself to be sent into a tailspin that involves reintroducing my hidden food stash under my bed, being anti-social and generally snarl-y.

Bleh. But that’s just something I wanted to get out. What I can do right now is just be mindful this week and make good choices. (and BLOG MORE, geeeeez!)

what goes up...aka bullet point thoughts

• I am totes mcgotes not going to lose weight this week. Only worked out once - Tuesday - and I've been eating whatever I want, which has included beer, chinese food, more beer, WAY too much peanut butter, cookies...and some more beer and generally too much food. So...just to prepare you (and myself) for tomorrow morning. There might even be a pound or two gain. Oops.
• My last day of temping is tomorrow! I'm sad the money stream will be ending, but there's a silver lining of having my afternoons back for a little while to rededicate myself to the gym.
• My EHarmony subscription runs out on Thursday. I "pursued" like 4 guys today, just as a last-ditch effort. One of them actually responded. Hopefully we make it til Thursday. We'll see what happens.
• In other EH news, Sam and I are still buds! We hung out last Monday (that was the chinese food and beer) and last night too. It's been fun. And the more I hang out with him, the more I realize that I would really not want a relationship with him. So it really worked out for the best. But he's a ball of energy and sarcasm and I like both of those things.
• My parents make their triumphant return in about 30-60 minutes! I'm actually looking forward to seeing them (AND MY DOGGIE*!!!!!) but...I am afraid this feeling will not last very long. I'm projecting about 15 minutes. Seriously.

So it just seems like...all of the things that I've been doing these past four months are coming to an end at the same time - working, EHarmony, having freedom...they're evaporating before my eyes.

What needs to happen next is that I make my life my bitch and get it all back on my own terms. For realsies.

*

I get to see this guy really soon!

Weighting for My Rocket to Come (colon, did you see what I did there)

I am really, really surprised at this morning’s number. After all my hard work this week, getting back into the gym at ridiculously early hours, and mindful and healthy eating…I just never…I really wanted to clear the 50 pound loss mark – I’ll say it, I sort of had my heart set on it.

So when I stepped on the scale and saw

208.8

Oh, did you not see that? Let me be a little louder, I’ll try not to wake the neighbors:

208.8

Ha! See what I did there? You thought I was headed straight to GainTown and I took a sharp left at ILostALOTville. Anyway, I am really surprised! As I said, I really was hoping for 210 so I could proudly say I cleared the 50 pound mark, it never occurred to me that I could PASS it!

(This does, also, also reinforce my beliefs that I did not weigh 215 last week – I indeed weighed myself over the next couple of days after last Monday’s weigh in, after my water consumption and eating leveled off and I was closer to 212/213, which makes a lot more sense for this week’s loss. I don’t know if I’d be happy if I lost 6.8 in one week – I’d be concerned b/c I don’t think I should really be losing that much. So the actual loss from last week is probably something like 4.2 or 3.2. Still a big number but a safe big number!)

So let’s talk goals. First of all, I can proudly say as of this morning, I have lost 51.8 pounds. I’m halfway there…

According to my monthly tracking: There’s no good way I can get down to 201.8 by next Monday (first week in April, I’m stretching out March…:-P) but I am definitely going to get as close as I can! In February, I was 7 pounds over my goal, in March I was 6 pounds over…so I just want to close that gap as much as I can so that 1: I can get down inte Onederland by/in May, and 2: start changing those blacks to greens instead of black to reds!

My other sidebar goals: since I say Onederland/Move out of home by May…I’m pretty sure I can only realistically accomplish one of them, and it doesn’t involve moving boxes. (Unless you count packing up some old clothes and emotional baggage, HIIYOOOOOOOO) So it’s really important to me to get the weight half, because I don’t want to set it and then not get it. I’m not Ron Popile.*

But it’s all one day at a time. I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I’m really guilty of the “If I keep going like this, I’ll lose this many more pounds by this day and THEN I’ll REALLY show ‘em!” There are so many things wrong with that statement. So I’m just going to focus in on the now, and be really happy that I came back from my fairly deep slump in January. There are a lot of things that still aren’t going my way (hello, I need a permanent, full time job. PLEASE!) so I need to appreciate the things that are going well, and just keep working. For example, I’m sitting here in my gym clothes and after I hit Publish, I’m gonna run downstairs, grab some breakfast, pack my lunch and my snacks and then head out to sweat a little bit.

*I love you if you can connect the dots of my thoughts on this one – Ron Popile, the informercial guy? Inventor of the Set It And Forget It? See what I did there, with the goals? Haha. Also, we have a Set It and Forget It, and it comes with an instructional video that tells you, explicitly, to not set it and forget it. Because they assume that you will probably do it wrong and if you forget it, you’ll burn your house down. Seriously. ...I love infomercials. What fun infomercial stuff do you have?

I'm here, I'm here!

I haven't fallen off any wagons, friends. Promises. I just...haven't felt inspired to post. I've been eating great but I don't really have much else to say. I'm lacking inspiration and feeling tired. I probably need to start exercising again, I bet that's a solution, she says as she puts her pajamas back on and scrolls through On Demand to see what movies are available...

I haven't been doing much. Yesterday afternoon, I did some grocery shopping. It was a dreary day and I looked like a college kid: 

I felt cute for some reason. I guess because I haven't worn those jeans in two years and I *love* that hat.

And I wore these shoes with it:

I love little splashes of color like that. Thanks, Target, for making fun and cute and cheap flats.

Got some good food. Frozen and fresh fruits and veggies, new bread (thanks for your input!), more greek yogurt, VitaTops, a couple of Lean Cuisine frozen meals, and some unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk - which tastes realllllly good with a scoop of my Amazing Grass Chocolate GreenSuperFood mix!

Since I did the shopping it's been nice to incorporate veggies and fruits back into my eating. I didn't have a lot to work with before!

Let's see...anything else? EHarmony updates...I'm "communicating" with a couple of guys. I got to the point of texting with this other guy last week, but...I just wasn't feeling it, I knew it wouldn't happen and just let that one go. I'm honestly kind of looking forward to when my 3 months is up so I don't have to go through it anymore...I'm not throwing in the towel just yet but...I think it'll be relieving to be done with it. Defeatest attitude, much?! The weather is killing me!

Yeah, I definitely need a pick-me-up. I haven't seen any friends since last Tuesday...nor have I been anywhere other than work-home-work-home, rinse and repeat! Oh man, I am complaining too much. Sorry, guys!

We'll end on the good stuff - the eating! I won't list all my eats for the last couple of days, but some of them were pretty tasty and worth sharing!

For breakfast, the last few days I've been eating the same PB&J Yoatgurt (thanks Janetha!) every morning and it is scrumdiddlyumptious every time. Agh I love it so much.

For lunch yesterday I had a sandwich: honey bran country bread (thanks Trader Joe’s!!) with turkey breast, mustard and romaine lettuce and 15 wheat thins fiber garden veggie crackers (couldn’t find my garlic & herb all-bran! These were good too though)

For dinner on Friday I had Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Masala with a piece of tandoori naan. Sooo goooood.

Gone Aweigh From Me

It's 6:15am as I type this, and I have to go to work today. Work on a holiday, sheesh! I'm still temping at the same place, and the "big events" that we've been gearing up for are happening at the end of this week. I basically have to front-load all my hours the first three days of the week. They told me not to be surprised if I knock out my 40 hours by Wednesday. Well then.

But you don't care so much about that, do you? I just wanted to start us off with something other than this, what I really wanted to say:

220.4 IN YO' FACE SUCKA!

Mind you, good looking reader, that you are in no way the Sucka to which I am referring. Just a general exclamation (albeit a bit aggressive and/or fratty fratster) that shows my struggles are paying off. I feel like I'm scraping by; like I'm trying so hard but I still don't feel like I'm making progress.

I still feel like I go through an internal battle every time I eat something of good vs. evil, but I am making a difference! I'm down like 4 pounds from last week.

It's a good way to start the day, that's for sure!

***

One other thing before I go, lovelies. I want to start having better blogging practices again. Two things have been on my mind:

1 - The name of my blog is 100in12 - I feel like I've abandoned that journey completely. Not that I'm no longer trying to lose weight, but...that specific goal feels like it's almost all but slipped away. I don't like that, because it's very me. I'm good at starting things and terrible at finishing them. So I want to make an effort to try and return to my former glory of a few months ago.

2- I miss you guys. I miss commenting on your blogs and hearing about your days and your struggles and victories.

3 - I realize this is like the eighteenth time I've made this pledge. Yuck.

4 - I AM DOING THAT DAMN GIVEAWAY THIS WEEK. I AM.

The thing I come away with most after writing this post is...the heirarchy of communication technology is weird.

“Morning! Just wanted to let you know I had a great time last night and would like to do it again. You?”

So I had my first date via EHarmony last night. I think he was actually the first person on EHarmony to reach out and contact me. Throughout this whole deal I want to keep an open mind (as much as possible) and so we had been emailing for a while and then “progressed” to texting, and then he asked me to dinner. I accepted.

(The post title: You move from email, to texting, to calling, to seeing each other in person...such a funny thing how that works)

Previous to meeting him, I didn’t really feel…anything. There wasn’t anything about him that engaged me – the way he looked, or anything in our discussions via text and email. I mean he doesn’t have to be Brad Pitt or be able to talk the pants off of me, but I need and want something to click. But again, I stayed connected because I 1) wanted to give it a chance for the sake of giving something a chance and 2) make sure I wasn’t turning down an opportunity because I was afraid or scared. You never know…

So we meet for dinner…the lack of feelings continued. He was nice. And I hate saying he was nice, because that seems so condescending to say. I could tell the things he was laughing at weren’t really the things I found funny (a matching sense of humor is pretty much THE biggest thing that can make or break someone for me) and so, I went along with it. We had conversations and talked about various things and asked each other questions and it was a polite first date.

I’m happy I did it. The problem, now, is obviously what to do next. You see the opening line – a text he just sent me – I don’t want to see him again. Not said (typed) in a malicious way, just…there’s nothing there for me. I guess I have to be a grown up and tell him that.

***TANGENT! You love them, you missed them, my tangents. Anyway (a tangent within a tangent, and parenthetical thoughts!? This post couldn’t get any better or more self-indulgent) my tangent is this: anyone who reads this section of the InterTubes knows that I have issues with myself. I don’t like a lot of things about me – I think I can be immature, bratty and spoiled and expect things to be given to me without a lot of work in return. It’s ugly and I don’t like it. And I know these are things I need to change***

Maybe my experience with EHarmony is about more than just finding a date. It’s about growing up a little, making the hard decisions, doing the thing that isn’t the easiest. If I do what my head is telling me, it’s to run away and ignore him and hope he gets the picture. But…I don’t want to do that this time. I’ll have to figure out something to say to him soon to tell him thanks but no thanks.

One other thing – I hope all of this isn’t coming off like I think I’m the first person to think these thoughts. I hate when I read things and I’m like “No Shit, Sherlock”, because it’s one of my favorite phrases of all time, but also because…it’s annoying when people thing they’re handing down gospel but really, at best they’re making an observation we all have a million times over.

I think that was kind of a run-on paragraph but I hope you catch my drift. I’m not the first and only person to go through this, but it’s a first for me.

(In other news: my eating was ON. POINT. yesterday. And I’ve been doing the Wii Fit more often. I’ve been stumbling a lot too – hello, Burger King, and may I say, ew – but I feel like things are headed in the right direction in a lot of ways too)

Weigh I Am

224! That's down from last week, HOLLER!

Other updates:

*May be making a real life, actual EHarmony date soon. Totally nervous. I'm still expecting to show up and be stood up. The whole "he looks in the window and sees me sitting there, and then bolts" scenario.  I really need some self esteem.

*No work today, and I still can't go anywhere because of the snow. I tried this morning - barely got down the road, and turned around and came back home. It's still really bad out there. Having a Corolla doesn' help. I love my baby and I don't want her out in this nonsense.

*It's a real challenge to keep myself from sitting inside and eating all day. Normally if I'm awake in the early hours, it's because I have work - but now I don't and I'm not sleepy...so my instinct is to eat. From boredom. Or to bake and THEN eat, also from boredom. Yikes. This is going to be a tough week for me. Oh, plus, being anxious about the potential EHarmony date also makes me want to eat. Ugh.

*I talked to The Matriarch (from The Family, if you remember) the other day during the snowstorm. It wasn't 4 minutes into the conversation when she asked me if I was still going to the gym. I told her I was, but not as often. And then she launched into talking about the Wii Fit and all that. It...irritated me to no end. I had a dream about this same kind of scenario the other day, but it was real life this time. I just wanted to say to her:

"The FIRST thing you bring up with me is always food and or exercising. Always. It's always about the weight - with me, with you, with somebody. Are you physically capable about talking about other things, at the very least to make me feel like you love me for reasons OTHER than how much I weigh?!" 

I know a large part of my annoyance was because I'm not happy with where I am in my "journey", and I don't want someone making me confront it. On the other hand, when she was here back in September, she did the same thing - asking me about my gym habits and what I was doing, and how I was "making her feel bad" for all the work I was doing...I still hated it, and I was doing really well. AGHHH!!! It just makes me so mad. It makes me want to not talk to her, and that makes me sad.

Eh...I didn't want to end on a sad/irritated note, because now I have myself all riled up again over it. I'm gonna go try and find something to do that doesn't involve me eating myself out of house and home.

YEESH

Hi again. I'm so sorry it's been an entire week. I'm writing this in the morning as I'm getting ready for work - I'm thinking this temp job is going to last a few more weeks, which is good. So anyway, I'm gonna get down to business.

My weight this week is: 225.8. Good in that I maintained, bad in that it's my starting/ending weight for the month, and this is the first time I haven't met (and obliterated) my goal. So that's sad, because honestly I feel like I'm out of control. Things aren't awful but I don't feel myself getting better, either.

I do really well in the mornings and afternoons. My breakfast and lunch and snacks are healthy. And then I get home after work and I don't care anymore. And forget about the weekends.

And no exercise, either. Other than the 4 flights of stairs I have to climb up to get to my car in the Metro parking garage. 

I hate that I'm sliding backwards. And that I can't stop myself from buying horrid food at the grocery store. It honestly feels like I'm punishing myself; like I'm aware of it but I still can't stop it. Man, if I could afford therapy you know where I'd be right now.

And that's it, really - there are two things I'm realizing. One, I just mentioned. I probably need to be in therapy. Did I tell you already that I did that once? In 2008, for about 6 months - as a student, my school allows you something like 12 sessions for free, so I went. It was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. 

The other thing is that I REALLY need to move out of my house. I feel like it's crushing me. It's crushing who I want to be. I understand that moving out is somewhat of a "quick fix", hence the need for therapy, but it absolutely has to happen. I'm still applying for jobs, and haven't gotten any call-backs in a while, but I'm working on it. Moving out NEEDS to happen.

So I guess I'm realizing I'm not in a good place right now, emotionally that is. Maybe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Maybe I have real depression. Maybe some weird gray area between the two. Or maybe I'm just feeling poorly because I'm eating poorly. Regardless, it's not good any way you cut it.

But let's focus on the positives, shall we?

1- I've been working. Money is always good. I don't think this will turn into a permanent position, but I'm hoping I can still network and make some contacts along the way.

2 - My morning and afternoon eating have been good. I've been packing myself good stuff again. Arnold's thin, greek yogurt, string cheese, V8, Progresso soup(! Yeah, I have like 4 reviews to do. They're tasty and they're forthcoming, I promise) and water. I'm in dire need of fruits and vegetables, though. I haven't bought any in a while. (That's probably why I've been sick with a flu/cold for a week...ugh)

3 - EHarmony: Haven't been on an actual date yet, but there are some potential suitors. No one has popped on the screen yet, but all in good time. I've done some pursuing that hasn't really worked out, and people are pursuing me. So there are things happening but nothing's really happening yet. Ha :-P

*****

I'm sorry for the all-business-no-silliness post. I miss you guys, I really do. There has been so much going on and I've been avoiding this blog world. I see people losing weight and exercising and leaving me in the dust. It doesn't make a girl feel good. But I know it's my own doing. Sigh. 

The crazy thing is, despite the fact that I have my first "red" monthly goal over there, I don't feel too bad about staying at the same weight. I went up a week or two, and I'd love it if I could go back down.

It's hard to know when you're sensationalizing everything, and when you really need to address serious problems, you know? I tend to exaggerate and blow things out of proportion - and I want to hold myself accountable while also being nice to myself. Is such a thing possible?

(Also, apologies for the broken-stream-of-consciousness-writing, and probable spelling errors - I got up at 5am today. Ew.)

Heeeeey bloggers (said in Buster Bluth voice)

Holy 101 followers, batman! I had no idea - I've been avoiding my blog given my lack of posting, and so I didn't know I hit the 100 mark until just now. The last time I looked it was at 96 and I half expected it to go down instead of up.

Thanks to you five for totally making my day.

So.

I've spent the past week with my friends; we spent every day together and watched movies, played video games, did jigsaw puzzles, cooked, ate, laughed, did a little bit of drinking on NYE and spent 3 hours skype-ing with our dear friend in the Air Force, currently overseas.

I did very little but I am very happy.

I weighed myself this morning. I know this is now Week 3 of being "off track" or whatever you want to call it, but I think the minute (or week) that I don't weigh myself is the week things really go downhill. Regardless of the number, stepping on that scale is still an acknowledgement that I'm trying to lose weight. Right? Maybe that's what I'm telling myself to feel better, but I think there's at least a shred of truth to it.

Hoooooo boy was I lucky. I am actually not sure how this is accurate, but what the hell!

218.8.

Same.

As.

Last.

Week.

After a week of: ice cream, s'mores, burger and fries, pizza, bagels, chinese food, sandwiches and chips, chocolate, wine, diet coke (I actually had one regular coke yesterday b/c my friend was out of the dc...the regular coke was gross. do not like.) and many other similar foods I'm sure I'm forgetting. 

I am not going to bother trying to figure out why I was given such a gift. Instead I'm going to thank my lucky stars.

Thank you, lucky stars, whom- or what- or wherever you might be.

(oh PS: thing I still refuse to eat: fast food. Cannot and will not bring myself to eat it. I had about 8,234 opportunities to eat Burger King this week and I refused. That is by far the thing I'm proudest of this week, even though I ate a million other bad things. Not going back to fast food is still a victory.)

I'm still here, guys. I promise. Hope you're still stopping by every once in a while. I'm gonna get back to it. I owe it to myself.* Also I've got two fun things coming up to tell you about so get ready for that.

My parents leave for Florida tomorrow. I can set up my Wii and Wii Fit (Christmas gift, hooray!) in the basement on our gigantor TV and try it out, and get back to the gym now that Operation No Exercise To Spite Mother (biggest eye roll in the history of eye rolls) is over.

*I don't 100 % believe this** but I'm trying out the "Fake It Til You Make It" approach and seeing how it works for me.



**OHHHH THE LACK OF SELF-WORTH, you are rich.

[Edit: I rearranged the stuff on the side, I need to see those monthly goals at the top to remind myself of what is going on! I got lucky in maintaining these two weeks and I cleared January's goal, so I need to start thinking about heading in a southerly direction in the scale to keep up with my targets!]

Here I go again...

Oh, hi there. *sheepish look*.

Uh, how’s everybody doin’?

I’m…okay. I’ve been eating pretty darn poorly this past week – lots of chocolate and candy from my stocking, Christmas cookies, ice cream, Diet Coke, and bagels for breakfast, and lunch, and dinner. There was literally one day last week when I had a bagel at EVERY MEAL. I felt…gross.

My mom and I are fine. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone in that one. I love her to pieces and I know she’s my biggest fan, she just seems to have a weird way of showing it? I don’t know.

But things are fine and we had a nice Christmas. I got money for new running shoes, so I’m probably going to go to a store like Pacers or Footsteps to get their opinions. Can I tell you, though – I am scared to go in there, and I’ll tell you why. (you can probably guess why) My size. I have this image that all people that go in there are runners, therefore zero-percent-body-fat kind of people. And also, if they have to watch you run to figure out if you over-pronate or whatever – oh man, I am terrified by not only the clerks watching me, but anyone else in the store!? EEPS.

That’s the number one reason why I haven’t gone to one of those stores yet. Or hell, even if they don’t judge me because most of the time I’m projecting and it’s my own judgment and not theirs, I’m going to compare myself like you wouldn’t believe anyway! Ugh. What a neurotic sentence that was.

Well, I’ll just have to give myself the pep talk of all pep talks at some point and just cowboy up and go in there. Because I want pretty new running shoes.

For that matter, I want to be running again. I haven’t been to the gym in two weeks. I haven’t done any kind of physical activity. I feel kind of sluggish. I noticed the other day that I felt a little more out of breath after running up all of my townhouse stairs. That scared/saddened me a little bit. My weight isn’t up that much (this has to be a gigantic Christmas present from the Universe) so it’s just fitness related.

***
Okay, I guess we’ll go ahead and get to it – my weight this morning, which marks the last week in December but also the end of the Challenge! Ha, YES, I was still technically participating!

Somehow, miraculously, I am at 218.8 this morning. It’s only a .4 gain from last week. If you saw what I ate this week, you’d be surprised too!

And I did my measurements – I’m unsure about their accuracy because I can’t remember the exact spots I measured last time, so…oh well!

Arm 12 (13 at the beginning of the challenge – 1 inch down!)
Waist 45 (47 at the beginning of the challenge – 2 inches down!)
Bust 44 (50 at the beginning of the challenge – 6 inches down! Bless the Lord and my inaccurate measuring!)
Leg 26 (26.5 at the beginning of the challenge - .5 inches down!)
Hips 50 (52 at the beginning of the challenge – 2 inches down!)

Well, that makes me feel pretty good, even considering they might not be entirely accurate. 11.5 inches total? I like it.

***

On to the future.

I want and need to start doing better. I don’t want to weigh any higher than I do right now, I don’t deserve to. I was looking at my own blog the other day, and realized, UH, it’s called 100in12 not for cuteness purposes, but for, you know, goal purposes. I still have that ultimate goal I’m working for.

As of right now, I’m still okay as far as those monthly goals I’ve set, and I want it to stay that way.

I want to blog more again. I miss being participatory in your lives, and my own life for that matter.

...so when are you going to Florida again?

This isn’t exactly how I wanted my first post back to go, but I have to just get this out.

First, though, the biggest thank-you for all of your comments on my meltdown, and for not running me right out of the internet with torches and pitchforks for all the moping and the big pity party I threw for myself. Thank you. I’m still not doing well, but I’m slowly coming back. I started drinking water again, took vitamins, and had a good breakfast and lunch today – and I’m giving myself credit for that.

The reason I’m writing this is because of the interesting conversation I just had with my mother. She comes into the living room where I’m sitting and after asking me what I had made in the kitchen (fries…I know but that’s another post) she starts in on asking me if I’m giving up, or how long I’m going to be doing this, something to that effect.

I…calmly erupted.

I told her – “Yes, I’m having a bad weekend. I’m well aware that I’m not eating well. But it’s not your place to tell me what to do or what not to do or how to react to my life – it’s my place. I know what I’m doing and just because I have a bad weekend doesn’t mean it’s all over. During the first time around there were plenty of months, weeks, and/or days when I wasn’t on track and I took a break. But you learn from it and it doesn’t mean it’s over."

She launched into (once again) how she’s afraid no one will hire me (TOO FUCKING SOON, MA) and how my general appearance matters. She also (later on towards the end of our “talk”) mentioned she noticed I “stopped going” to the gym.

Well fuck me. (and I didn't say this, but also in regard to the gym: it’s been a god damned week, lady. BACK OFF)

I told her – “I know this isn’t how you mean it, but part of that translates to me as you don’t accept me for who I am and, more specifically, what I look like. If there is one place in the world where I am allowed to make mistakes and be myself, it should be at home.”
If I start feeling like I can’t be myself, that’s the end of the damn line right there.

She kept on going too, but eventually I just told her if she wants to support me, she can do it by keeping her distance on this.

I hope I’m expressing myself in the right way here – it’s not like I’m thrilled that I’m doing this to myself, but I can see the forest for the trees. I know this isn’t the end. I am the same person I was a week ago that I am right now.

And the thing is, this time around, I’m trying to work with my flaws rather than against them. To be quite honest with you and myself, a lot of times when my mom tells me to do something that I know I need to do but don't really want to, it just makes me want to not do it that much more. The only-child-brat inside of me wants to do the exact opposite, even though the level headed young adult side knows she's right. And I'm working on that. But right now, at this moment, I need her to not say ANYTHING because otherwise it's just going to go badly. I'm not going to react like a mature adult that handles such criticism gracefully.

Yes, quite often I can’t handle criticism, and I am emotionally immature and often still feel (and sometimes act) like a 16 year old. I can’t change all this overnight AND lose weight AND change my life AND AND AND. If I try to tackle them all at once I’ll fail and give up or I’ll freeze from intimidation and never get anywhere. I know myself and I want this to work. There are so many goddamned things I don’t like about who and where I am in life, and I’m trying to work through them slowly and work with them with full awareness that I want to eventually change or eradicate them.

I know she meant it because she cares, but it’s my program, my journey (what am I, on a reality show?) and my mistakes and successes, not anyone else’s. I lay enough guilt on myself as it is, I don’t need any outside pressure. And there are a million other little reasons why her “concern” (her words) piss me off, just things on which you’ll have to trust me when I write all this.

Has anyone else been through anything similar? Do you have that person whose advice you just don’t want on certain topics?

(PS I did weigh myself and I'm at 218.4...so I'm back up. But it's not over. Even though I'm still royally pissed off. Serenity now?)

Hmm...

*You might want to skip over this part because it's BIG OL' whinefest and I'm even slightly irritated with myself but I just want to get it out and deal with it*

I came to the conclusion today, based on a number of factors, that I am 95% certain that I didn't get this most recent job I interviewed for. The one that I loved. That would have been almost perfect. And now I have nothing. I am feeling really really low. Tomorrow marks my one year unemployment anniversary.

In two weeks my parents are going down to Florida for four months. I'm worried I'm going to enter into some downward spiral and my eating will be destructive and out of control just like it was last year.

I think the only thing keeping me going at this point is the blog and not looking pitiful (TOO LATE) in front of all of you. I don't want to have to report eating an entire order of boneless buffalo wings, and almost an entire XL pizza - as one meal of my day. Or an entire cake. Or 5 different varieties of chinese/thai food. I could go on.

I don't want to do any of it. But when I remove myself from the blog and I'm left with just.me...it just doesn't feel like I'm headed in a good direction. I haven't exercised since Monday - the only thing I can manage to keep myself from doing is eating poorly - because it's easier to eat and choose healthier foods (because, hey, at least I get to eat and I'm good at that) than to exert myself physically.

I just...I wanted so badly for this (job) to be the end of an entire year of shit (I'm leaving a lot of personal stuff out that doesn't need to be put on the internet, trust.) and start the new year on a good note. But it doesn't look that way now. And I can feel myself slipping and I hate it and the worst part is not feeling like I'm worth pulling myself out if it.

Vitamins – Check

Water – 100oz

Breakfast:

*egg sandwich: toasted arnold’s thin, 3 small slices avocado, diced red pepper and egg substitute, ketchup

Lunch:

*sandwich: arnold’s sandwich thin, chicken with mayo, and gala apple slices
*18 all-bran crackers

Dinner:

*wrap: chicken with mayo, 5 bread and butter pickles, regular mustard, romaine lettuce
*half a red pepper chopped with sabra hummus (individual size)

Snack/Dessert:

*100 calorie bag of 94% fat free kettle corn popcorn (I loathe typing this out, I feel like it takes half an hour)