I am going to make up for my absence with pictures? Maybe?

So it's been a while. Ups and downs, amazing places, bad food and good food. But today I'm in a pretty good place, all things considered. So here are some pictures.

In June my dear friend from high school got married to a lovely girl from the Czech Republic; so a handful of us went over for the wedding. After a few days in Pilsen, I departed for Rome for 3 days on my own. It was spectacular.

I saw and ate amazingly wonderful things.

I went to California a month later for my godbrother's wedding, and to meet my godsister's new baby. I don't have any pictures from that...oops? But it was great.

After I got back I wasn't feeling great, I was spending too much money on delivery (and too many calories, natch) food and I was just feeling physically (and emotionally) weighed down.

So the past couple of weeks, I've been doing better. If you follow me on twitter you can see that I just synced  an app (Noom, for Android) I have that tracks your exercise and meals. Even if it's just walking, it tracks you via GPS which is brilliant. The meals thing is interesting, and I use it as more of an estimate b/c I am also keeping a Food/Mood journal as part of therapy.

I am hesitant about exercise, because I have this idea in my head (especially with sharing it on Twitter) that I have to be running 5 miles and lifting weights for an hour and be "proud" of my exercise and compete with everyone else. That walking for 20 or 30 minutes isn't good enough. Because I CAN run, even for short periods of time, but I'm embarrassed that I'm so limited. And I'm not competitive when it comes to fitness, I don't have any fitness-related goals, really. I just want to be healthy and weigh less. I have Noom set up for me to weigh 150 pounds, which, is really lofty, I know. But I'm just taking it day by day, and trying to keep my office and home stocked with healthy things that take little or no time to put together.

Including, my version of a McGriddle:

That is 1 piece of Arnold's Double Fiber bread, 1 piece of Sorrento's Cheddar/Mozarella cheese, egg substitute, 1 Jimmy Dean Turkey sausage, and 1 TBSP of Hungry Jack syrup on the bread. It's much better calorie and fat content-wise, but of course, healthier breakfasts exist :) But it's an enjoyable breakfast!

I'm having some work and relationship woes (the dude overseas in Iraq...that whole mess is still in existence) but I'm really trying so hard not to turn to food. There are days where I want to come home and burrow in my couch and order too much Thai food. But this past week I've stopped myself. Sometimes the incentive of saving money overrides the health aspect, but I'll take it either way.

I weighed myself last week, Monday I think? And I was at 238.2. So I'll probably check again tomorrow or Tuesday (and update in Noom, of course) and see how it goes. I just want to take it day by day and be grateful for what I have.

i am not clever today. but while i'm here, you know what's awesome? Girl Talk. the end. continue reading.

This morning I went to therapy, and brought a breakfast of oatmeal and blueberries and tea with me. Then I had therapy, and of course, cried, like I always do. Then I went to yoga, sweated a LOT (and it wasn’t even hot yoga :-P) and at the end, cried a little too. Something about taking all the bad energy out and replacing it with good made me realize how MUCH bad energy and negative thoughts I have right now.

I am almost wholly unhappy. And I will admit to having a tough time seeing the brighter side. I know there is one, and I’m smart enough to know that I am lucky enough to have things that others don’t. But I’m internally unhappy. I can’t remember the last time I genuinely laughed, like that kind of laugh that comes from your core and is pure happiness emanating from you.

But I’m trying. The wellbutrin is fine – I feel like I’ve evened out now, I don’t feel that “ENERGYOMFGLOLZBBQLMNOP!@#” that I did in the beginning, which was probably psychosomatic. Which is fine. But it helps me by allowing me not to spend any of my positive energy forcing myself to shower, brush my teeth, talk to people…that feels more natural and I can try and focus some positivity towards myself….if that makes sense. Too much therapy-talk? Maybe. Is this a LOT of navel-gazing? Probably.

So…things aren’t great. But I’m trying. I ate a good breakfast, and I’m doing yoga once a week, and over time I want to build it up to 2 times, maybe 3 if I can afford it. And my counselor had me order a book about eating disorders (mine being emotional eating and some binge eating – never purging, but still the binge eating) so I hope I can do some hard work there and have a better relationship with food. And with myself.

A few weeks ago I weighed myself and I was 238. And yesterday I weighed myself and I was 234. So I’m happy about that. But I’m being careful not to feel or think that “THIS IS IT! This is THE time that it works! I’m on my way and never looking back!” Do I want that? Of course I do. But I’m trying to be careful with myself this time around.

I say a lot of things and never actually do them. I’m trying the reverse this time, I guess.

I miss you guys. 

empty your hands and look up

i did a yoga dvd today (neflix streaming)

my breakfast was: a cup of coffee, and an egg scramble with egg substitute, a sprinkling of feta cheese, and frozen spinach, peppers and onions. and ketchup, of course.

i have my first voice/singing lesson tonight at 8pm.

i finished doing ALL of my laundry and have started a pile of clothing to donate or give away.

celebrate the good things.

if you think YOU do something embarrassing, just...read on.

I have a really embarrassing confession to make. Like, I have literally never told anyone this, in my entire life. And god help me I hope I’m not alone in this. And even if I am, well, oh well.

More often than I’d like to admit I have conversations with myself in a mirror. But I’m not talking to myself. I imagine I’m talking to family friends, or (holy sweet baby jesus, why am I telling you this…) Bill’s family when I meet them (which won’t happen, but this is Fantasy Mirror Land, might as well embrace the crazy) and…I’m just talking about my life, or what I’m up to.

Of course it’s never reality. It’s me having hobbies and doing things that I’ve always wanted to do but been too scared or haven’t gotten my ass in gear.

Tonight, I was a girl who took dance classes for exercise (and yoga here and there). I took voice lessons and, with a musically inclined friend, helped Girl Scout troops earn arts and music badges once or twice a month. And of course had a regularly updated blog (HA) about her struggle to health and happiness (all while never giving the website – even Fantasy Mirror Land is like real life – no one in my real life knows the address and only three know I even have this blog)

And tonight, it smacked me in the face….excuse the language, but I really do love cursing, well, why the fuck can’t I be that person?

(also, I just realized Fantasy Mirror Land can be abbreviated FML. That...says...an unbelievable amount.)

What stops everyone? Fear, of course!

I don’t know where it comes from, but I have very real issues with and a fear of looking stupid – it’s the reason I despise karaoke, don’t really like dressing up for Halloween, and the worst of them all, ANY sort of audience participation. Like you know sometimes during musicals, cast members come down the aisles? I all but have a panic attack.

So…I don’t want to start things because I am so scared of being bad at them.  But we all know that’s bullshit; very few people are very good at things when they first start them – of course, my insecurity and irrationality know no bounds!

But hell, I am going to try. One of the things I will try quietly, and the other one, I’m recruiting you!

Singing/Voice lessons: I can count on one hand the number of people that have told me I have a nice voice, and many more than that have heard me sing – so I don’t know what that tells you. I know I don’t have the pipes of your Whitneys or your Christinas (but at least I know the words to the national anthem, hiyoooo!) but a softer, indie-ish kind of tone. I think. But I’m scared of failing and realizing that I really do suck at singing – because it gives me such pleasure to listen to a song and sing or hum along; it’s very calming for me. But I’m afraid of having real proof that I’m singing bad pointy daggers into the ears of my loved ones.

Tonight I found a voice teacher in my area and researched her and she seems legit – so I might pay for a few lessons and see what happens! I am terrified and happy…mostly terrified.

Dance/Yoga classes: I’m afraid of how I’ll look. Dancing and yoga is for skinny people! I’ll be honest – I have moves, I can dance fairly well and I LOVE to do it. But real classes with….people? That, my friends, is for…you know…real dancers. I’m just a chub with some rhythm. And yoga – besides the obvious farting in class – I am deeply afraid of looking stupid.

My gym already has dance and yoga classes, so…what I REALLY want there, (besides having the balls and motivation to actually GO more then the one time two weeks ago when I did Zumba…) is to have people to go with.

Connected to that, I want to get a community of DC bloggers, like myself, that are struggling with weight and exercise and all that (not necessarily struggling, but you know what I mean) to meet in person to just chat, laugh, maybe go for walks or do fun things*** – you know, like gym dance classes!

Anyone live in the DC area and belong to Fitness First?? The location on 19th (between K and L) Street NW has dance classes Tues-Thurs from 6:30-7:30. I want friends! BE FRIENDS WITH ME!

***We can go to musicals, too, but I will start crying if a grown man or woman dressed as an animal comes and writhes around on my lap. I will cry and then I will never talk to you again.

headlights on dark roads - snow patrol

"I will reach out and take it....'cause I'm so tired of all this fear"

I still sort of feel like a phony with the blogging and the tweeting again. But I have been repeating to myself all day...health & happy, healthy & happy. That seems to help.

I went to Zumba tonight! I pride myself on being able to dance - I have rhythm and some moves, but...I was TERRIBLE at it! But that's okay, it was fun; I'm looking forward to going back and getting better. And it's fun to sort of treat it like dance class, too. And I really like the instructor, she was cool. So yay! Now to see if I am sore tomorrow...

The eats of the day (side note: this is so sad....but I ate ALL THREE meals at work today. So...unfortunate) were pretty good!

Packet of emergen-c with water (I wouldn’t list it, but it is technically 25 calories, and if it has calories, it gets mentioned!)

Breakfast: pomegranate Chobani, half of a whole wheat bagel thin with PB&Co The Bees Knees peanut butter...the best peanut butter in our solar system.

Lunch: an orange! (I cannot remember the last time I had an orange…), and a sandwich: trader joe’s multi-grain bread, half a laughing cow wedge, one slice white American cheese, a few ounces of low-sodium turkey breast, and a slice and a half of avocado

Snack: chocolate peppermint stick luna bar

Dinner: Spa Lean Cuisine, Apple Cranberry Chicken

And lots of water and a cup or two of green tea.

I feel good. I feel good that I'm doing good things for myself. I am still having a lot of trouble with Bill (CRAP THERE GOES THE BAN...didn't even last one. freaking. day.) and looking for his praise to guide how I'm feeling. I need to fix this. I hope it comes with practice, and with time. I want to be able to do it without having to cut him out of my life...it's not his fault I have low self-esteem and he can't live up to my unrealistic expectations and constant need for validation...if it wasn't him it'd be someone else. It needs to be ME for once. I think this is going to take just as much work as losing weight...

healthy and happy...healthy and happy.

I have to write to supplement my attempts at talking.

I'm bad at talking to you. Case and point:

Okay there used to be a video here - but I'm dumb and can't figure out its formatting with the new blog template - here is the link to the YouTube video! My channel! All two videos! http://www.youtube.com/user/100in12

Point the first: CHINZ I HAZ THEM.
Point the second: Maybe I'll get better at talking. Maaaaybe.

So, what AM I talking about, exactly?

I'm sick of myself, the way I am now. Right now I'm still clinging to Bill**, we'll call him (that is not his real name), the guy I was dating last year that left a few weeks ago to work overseas for a year as a contractor. It's a long story that isn't worth telling, really...but here are the major points: We went on our first date in September, in December we really started spending a lot more time together, and on New Years he said I Love You, (I love/d him too) and he left on the 14th of January. (I knew this going in, he had already applied to the job before we met, and found out he got it like 2 weeks after our first date) He's going to be in a middle-eastern country for a year, and he doesn't know what he wants to do afterwards, which includes potentially NOT coming back to the DC area. We're keeping in touch and he tells me he loves me, that he misses me, and that I mean a lot to him....but as far as I know we aren't together. He's a great guy, and he cares about me, but his head is ultimately somewhere else.

I lost myself, I'll admit it. I lived for his validation. I still kind of feel like I do, even though he's far away. But I need to really make the effort to let go. I still love him, and want to continue to do so, but I need to get back to myself. I need hobbies, for goodness' sake!

Fun stuff coming up this summer that I referenced:

*A week in Prague and London for a high school friend's wedding
*A week in California for my godbrother's wedding
*My 10 year high school reunion! EEPS!

So like I said, some things that I want to feel happy for. I deserve to be happy and healthy, but it's going to take some work. We all know this.

Tuesday through Thursdays at my gym (yeah...the one I haven't been to since July of 2010...) at 6:30 they have dance/exercise classes. Tuesdays are hip hop, Wednesdays are Cardio Dance, and Thursdays are Zumba. I'm going. I'M GOING TO THESE.

I also have a Living Social deal for one month of unlimited Bikram yoga at this one studio on the Hill. I haven't used it yet...I'm working up the courage - I'm absolutely scared to go, being so large. I'm afraid I will pass out or vomit in front of a room full of strangers. I have to start it by March, so time's ticking on this one!

I have been better in the past week with eating. Vegetables. Cooking, not eating out. It hasn't been perfect, but it's better. Drinking water, taking vitamins...eating deliberately.

That's what I want. To get healthy and happy. For me.

(**NOTE: This is the last time I will talk about him..I'm banning it from this blog and my general everyday conversation topics...unless he ends up doing something SUPER out-of-character-romantic...which won't happen.)

the ups and the downs

today:

breakfast was two chicken sausage links and scrambled eggs with some heinz 57 sauce
then i had about 4 lifesaver gummies and like 5 kitkat minis (fuck you, halloween!)
then i had chick-fil-a for lunch - root beer, about 9-10 chicken nuggets, and 95% of the small/medium waffle fries

then i went for a run! map my run said it was 1.92 miles. i was gone for about 45 minutes...i guarantee only like 10 of that was actual running. but i got out there!

up next, we have a happy hour with my grad school program alums. at the cheesecake factory. SIGH. at least i was smart and looked up the nutritional facts beforehand...because...yeesh. i'm going to plan for a glass of wine, some edamame, and if i get peer pressured into cheesecake, make someone split it with me and only have a couple of bites. we'll see if i can stick to it :-P

Fitness Consult and other recent shenanigans

(Buckle up. Lots of words in this one.)

Hi! Finally had my Fitness Consult - the free one you get for signing up.

It...wasn't great, but also wasn't as bad as I thought. My stats:

Weight: 210
Body Fat %: 40! (um, yikes? but to be honest with you, I seriously thought it would be 50 or more. Not even joking. So, I know it's not good and the trainer told me as much [Um, guy, I KNOW. No need to shame me into anything - that's why I'm here!] but...yay for small, relative victories?)

I did two planks each for 20 seconds.
I did 6 pull ups (WAIT FOR IT - with about half my weight supported. HA! This cracks me up. I am curious to see how this changes if I keep at it)
I did 6 modified push ups using the bosu stability ball.

He had me do 10 minutes on the stairclimber then these other random step up balance things for my legs.

Basically, the diagnosis other than "FOR SHAME" is legs = decent, core + arms = awful. I pretty much knew that already.

So at some point this week he's going to email me with a workout plan for me to follow for about a month or so. 2 days cardio and 1 day cardio/strength. I'm gonna start with that and work my way up to...something.

I guess I'm excited. It's been a long day today (I left my house at 7am and I'm just now getting home at 9pm) so my enthusiasm has drained...but it was very much there until about 20 minutes ago!

In other REALLY EXCITING NEWS, I'm moving out the first weekend in July!!!!! Remember in my last post I mentioned that one I saw that I loved? Well that very one will be mine!! I'll have 2 roommates - who are awesome, and I think we already click. We're getting together tomorrow night after work to kind of celebrate my future-roommate-status, I think. I can't wait!

My commute will be cut in half in both time and expense (though I'm adding rent, but...it's the principle of the thing!) and there is a gym in the building, in addition to another branch of my new gym right nearby. 

I cannot wait to move and be on my own. Is it a little scary? Yes. It is long overdue? You bet it is. So I am pumped.

Another fun thing is that starting mid-July, I'm signing up for a bocce ball league with a friend of mine - he works at the place I was temping and we've kept in touch. His friends have a team and invited me to join - so I'm doing it! I think the best part about this is that I will already be living in Alexandria, so I never have to make my "Here Are the Reasons I Live at Home" speech again. That will be so nice. So relieving.

I'm looking forward to my social circle expanding. I know I'm not the svelte shape I want to be, but my confidence is still growing. I'll meet new people. Live in a new place. My job is still very much new and probably will feel that way for about a year or so. I'm good with new, I thrive on new. I'm so excited about what I can accomplish the rest of this year. Maybe landing a man will happen, maybe it won't. I'm okay with it either way.

Oh, speaking of which, can I just...talk something out? I don't want to insult anyone by telling the story I'm about to tell, but...it made me uncomfortable and maybe I need some alternate perspectives here.

So I was on the phone with my best friend, who recently found out that I had been doing EHarmony. Now, she is the type of gal that since high school has literally never been single for more than 2 weeks. Not even exaggerating. So "love" is very much important to her, because she's always had it. She's been after another friend of ours to start dating for a few years now, and even so far as saying she was going to buy her an online dating subscription for Christmas a year or two ago. She didn't end up doing it, but I always found that a little...inappropriately aggressive?

So anyway, when she and I were talking on the phone, she was like "I'm so proud of you, that's so great. I'm going to pray for you." and then to be honest, I don't remember what the rest of the conversation was.

Now, here's where you might get mad at me, for my ignorance and narrow-mindedness. So I apologize in advance. But when I hear that someone is going to pray for me, I take it as...I need to be prayed for, if that makes sense. Like...I'll pray for you to find a man. Because you need one to be fulfilled as a person.

I mean...I said thank you to her, but I..didn't quite know how else to react. I think I might have taken offense to it, actually. And I don't really take offense to a lot of things.

I guess...I mean...when I was looking for jobs, some friends and family (and maybe even some of you might have?) said that you were going to pray for me. And I thought nothing of it, other than, "that's really nice of them" - because it was something I desperately needed.

Is praying for someone reserved for dire circumstances? I don't pray often but when I do, it's when I feel someone really truly needs it. Like...they've got a problem that needs fixing. Maybe I'm just projecting because I subconsciously also think it's a problem and don't want someone else seeing it to?

But do I really, truly need a man? No. I very badly want a man, sure, but I am a complete, whole person without one. So...do you really need to pray for me?

Is anyone following my train of thought here? I mean, I understand my friend was being nice, and she loves me and cares about me..it just...bugged me.

If you have a dissenting opinion, please explain this to me! I don't mean to make waves, I just want to understand a little more.

The one in which I try to make up for my absence with semi-interesting pictures

HI.

Well, a whole month without blogging, what have I been up to?

*WORKING. My new job is great. I'm admittedly still in the honeymoon phase, but the people are great, there is SO much potential for me to really step up my game and achieve a lot professionally, and it's in an awesome area of the city and I love going there everyday.

*TURNING 27: This past Thursday (the 27th!) was my birthday! I am now 27. This is MY YEAR, people. It's been officially declared. So I've got a lot to accomplish, and you bet your ass losing weight is one of those things.

*TRYING TO MOVE. I've been looking for apartments (rooms, really) to move into. I've been looking mostly in Virginia, as I do not want to step foot inside a DMV during this process - not to mention all the money it would cost to switch over tags and what not. No thank you.

Moving is really like interviewing all over again. I'm using Craigslist, so the good/legit ads have a lot of competition. I've gotten "turned down" for one place, and I saw 2 rooms this week and they should be making a decision soon. I really sort of fell in love with one, and I hope I get it, but we'll see.

(I also put feelers out to my friends about moving out and being a potential roommate, but no one has responded...I don't think I know anyone that is in that point in their life)

The good news about moving is that I'm not at all stressed about it. It's okay if I let myself be hopeful, because the entire world isn't riding on me finding a place. Granted, it's important, but I'm in no rush. And that's a nice position to be in.

*NEW GYM. I did it - I signed up for another gym. It sucks that I'm carrying two right now - I can't quit my other one until September when my contract is up. But I hadn't been in weeks and I just hated that it didn't have enough to offer. So I joined one that is about 2 blocks from my office - and has locations in my current town, and like 5 more all in the areas where I am looking to move. So I've got my bases covered there.

Have I been going? YES. Haha, a couple of times. I still need to set up an appointment to be "shown" the gym, and they give you a free fitness consultation and all of that and show you the weights - so I've only been on cardio so far, but it's good. They also have a nice locker room and tons of showers that are clean and nice, and it's a good deal. I'm actually paying 2 dollars LESS for this gym than my old one!

*EATING. Eating has been a mixed bag. I'm pretty good during the day, breakfast and lunch and snacks are all the normal, healthy things I've been eating. Dinner is the problem. I come home and I'm tired, and I don't have the strength a lot of days to fight the urge to eat a hot dog (fine, TWO) or make a sandwich with a gigantic pile of chips, etc etc. I never win that battle, and I need to figure out a way so that I can.

In terms of weight gain, as of this past Wednesday I was at 208. To tell you the truth, I'm not all that upset. Do I want it to continue going up? Not at all, in fact, if you can believe it, I want it to go back down. But I can only balance so much. I'm giving my eating attention, don't get me wrong, but not my full attention.

HAVING FUN! I've been hanging out with my friends, going to baseball games, being touristy in my own city, all good stuff. And a lot of fun stuff planned this summer, too. Concerts, drinks with friends, Screen on the Green, Jazz in the Sculpture Garden (these last two both being very fun DC Young Professional-type things), one and maaaybe two beach trips - this is going to be a great summer.

***

So basically I still care about losing weight and getting healthy - it's just about 3rd or 4th on the list of things I am working on. The whole 100in12 thing isn't going to happen, and I guess on one hand it's disappointing that it won't happen, but if I can accomplish a shitload of things in the meantime then, we're doing allright.

I'll try and blog more. This one was mostly out of guilt that I hadn't been here in so long, and some of you were concerned. I'll tell you this - I definitely don't want to give up completely. This blog is SUCH a source of happiness for me, regardless of my attendance within the past month. It has been such a crucial tool for my success thus far and I won't give it up. But it's just not my main focus. But I'll try and do better. I hope that now that I'm identifying my lack of complete attention and effort in my weight loss areas...I'll at least care a little more. Admitting the problem is the first step, right?

Can I make up for my poor attendance here with pictures?!

First day of work outfit!

Haha, two of my friends and I pondering a map, being tourists.

The lunch I had the other day! Whole wheat naan, baby carrots, turkey, and Trader Joe's Roasted Red Pepper Hummus.

The view from the Nationals Stadium! If you ignore that scaffolding, there's an awesome view of the Capitol.

Walk This Weigh

Gotta make it quick!

Scale results: same as last week!

207.6

I'm...okay with it, and not okay with it. Sometimes I have a couple of weeks of maintenance like this, and I like to think it's the universe's way of giving me a break while I reassess. And by reassess I mean...eat out, have a few beers, and not really exercise. Though the last week as a whole, I ate healthy things, just MORE of them than I probably should have.

(except for last night when I was watching The Hurt Locker. I ate like 3 servings of chocolate cheerios...followed by a roll of fruit mentos...followed by a chocolate peppermint stick luna bar. Writing all that out now is....kind of gross. Anxiety eating? Not out of the question during that movie!)

So I think it's good to give myself a bit of a break but be able to maintain/not gain, but it's not good when I remember that I have, you know, goals and stuff.

I've got two weeks to get to Onederland, if I want the "weigh in the 100s by May" thing to happen...which I do. I could slack off and say "Well, as long as I get there at some point in May" but I don't want to do that. So I'm gonna work hard to eat right and get back in the gym. And if I don't get into Onederland, then at least I can be proud for trying.

I put my money where my mouth is this morning! Got my butt to the gym. Granted, because of gym-hours and time constraints I only got about a 24 minute workout, but I worked hard. I did the elliptical on hill-climb (I'm not ashamed to admit I do the ones designed for a great ass. I want one.) for 14 minutes and then did the treadmill for 10:30. On the treadmill I did a minute or so of walking, then a minute or so of running (at 6mph! that is a lot for me!) and then repeat. At one point I even did 2 minutes at 6mph! And my last rotation I did a minute and a half at 6.2mph.

One other thought: as much as I've tried to like it...I just don't really care for almond butter. Its peanut cousin has exclusive rights to my heart.

well I just did not see that coming...updates and scattered thoughts! (aren't all my posts like that, though, really? :-)

Sorry, my lovelies, that I didn't have time to post this AM. Decided to sleep instead :-) Did you know I have the sleep tendencies of most infants? It's true. I just. love. sleep. Can't get enough.

So this morning I was:

207.6!

Only .4 of a gain after the week I had? I'll TAKE it! A nice lucky break to start the day, and it only continued....

I walked into work to...utter chaos. Everyone saw me and comes RUSHING over in a frenzy about it being my last day (nobody knew until the email I sent out on Friday, informing them as much) and they essentially petitioned the office manager to keep me on through mid-May!

So I've got another month of work! (and a need to sit down and figure out when and how I can motivate myself to the gym. Need to try the whole AM thing again, it was really great for that one week!)

Though I did get a little bit of exercise in today! I took a nice long walk during my lunch break. It was a fairly brisk walk, maybe medium brisk? DC Geography Time! My office is at 21st and L, and I walked over to 17th and then down to the mall...over to 18th and back up and over to my office. I traced it on MapMyRun and it said it was almost 2.5 miles! It was beautiful and warm and sunny out today, I really enjoyed getting that Vitamin D!

***

Even though we are clearly poor bloggers for not taking a picture, Becca, Megan and I met up for lunch this Saturday! I had so much fun. We went to a thai place in Old Town Alexandria that is right on the water. Beautiful views and tasty food! I got a veggie tofu thing that I dominated. Yum! Becca and I have met once before but it was great to finally meet Megan. She's the gem that coined Kat and I as Bert and Ernie, so she's clearly very important!

***

I might go to Richmond AGAIN this weekend. I went about three weeks ago, and then two weeks before that. Apparently I can't get enough!

***

I am picking up my friend at the airport this Friday. I love picking people up at airports. I actually just love airports, period. I know, it's weird. I think I've mentioned this before. It's like the beginning of Love Actually, when they show all the people reuniting...that's my fave. I have so many vivid memories of reuniting with people at airports, and I love to watch other people experience it too. ...I choose to ignore the people that are leaving/separating, because it's sad and pokes a hole in my theory. That's the secret to living - just ignore the stuff that doesn't agree with you, right?

***

THIS:

Awesome.

what goes up...aka bullet point thoughts

• I am totes mcgotes not going to lose weight this week. Only worked out once - Tuesday - and I've been eating whatever I want, which has included beer, chinese food, more beer, WAY too much peanut butter, cookies...and some more beer and generally too much food. So...just to prepare you (and myself) for tomorrow morning. There might even be a pound or two gain. Oops.
• My last day of temping is tomorrow! I'm sad the money stream will be ending, but there's a silver lining of having my afternoons back for a little while to rededicate myself to the gym.
• My EHarmony subscription runs out on Thursday. I "pursued" like 4 guys today, just as a last-ditch effort. One of them actually responded. Hopefully we make it til Thursday. We'll see what happens.
• In other EH news, Sam and I are still buds! We hung out last Monday (that was the chinese food and beer) and last night too. It's been fun. And the more I hang out with him, the more I realize that I would really not want a relationship with him. So it really worked out for the best. But he's a ball of energy and sarcasm and I like both of those things.
• My parents make their triumphant return in about 30-60 minutes! I'm actually looking forward to seeing them (AND MY DOGGIE*!!!!!) but...I am afraid this feeling will not last very long. I'm projecting about 15 minutes. Seriously.

So it just seems like...all of the things that I've been doing these past four months are coming to an end at the same time - working, EHarmony, having freedom...they're evaporating before my eyes.

What needs to happen next is that I make my life my bitch and get it all back on my own terms. For realsies.

*

I get to see this guy really soon!

My Easter Sunday and the latest EH shenanigans

Happy Easter everyone! (or Happy Regular Sunday, for those that don't celebrate Easter!)

My Easter has been great! I celebrated the end of Lent (Sweets 'N Jobs was a success!) by having a Deep Chocolate VitaTop with a tbsp of White Chocolate Wonderful PB&Co peanut butter on top. It was so good! Though The Bees Knees is still the best PB&Co flavor by far, in my opinion. It makes my heart sing.

I also had my Chocolate Peppermint Stick Luna Bar. SO. GOOD. I'm obsessed with mint and chocolate combinations and this did not disappoint. I especially liked the little red peppermint flecks in the iced part on the bottom. So festive and delicious. I can easily see myself keeping a kitchen stocked with Lemon Zest and Chocolate Peppermint Luna Bars. I'm in love.

Talked to my parents today too. They come home a week from today. I will spend this week mentally and emotionally preparing for their return.

AND I finally made spaghetti squash! It was so much easier than I thought. I'm about to make some ground turkey and mix it in with the squash and maybe throw in some marinara sauce. Should be delish!

Below is the story of that EHarmony Guy. Third time was not so much the charm in this case, but that's okay. My subscription ends on April 14th and I'll be content with that. For now!

Oh, before I get to the story, I have to tell you that I got myself to the track today! 3 miles with intervals of running and walking. I did 2 running laps, then alternated walking and running laps until I got to 3 miles, or 12 laps. Good times! And it was nice and sunny out so I think I got a little color, so my skin isn't quite the lovely shade of transparent that it was before.

So, here's the boring and fairly uneventful yet character building story of Sam:

We had been talking all week (gchat) and it was so fun and he made me laugh and I was really comfortable with him, and we clicked. We went out for a drink and dinner this past Wednesday. We had a good time, I think, but it ended with him awkwardly saying, “So, I guess…I’ll be, uh, chatting with you tomorrow!” or something like that. As he turned to walk to his car he had a look on his face that…I don’t know how to describe it, but I think I knew he wasn’t interested. It wasn’t so much a “thank god that’s over” look, but it was something like it.

I was sort of sad. I liked him enough that I wanted to hang out more. There were things about him that I didn’t like, too, but I was willing to overlook them because he made me laugh and was adorable when he smiled. Like he’s kind of a tough guy but then his face softens when he genuinely smiles, it was so cute.

Thursday, the next day, we didn’t talk at all. So I pretty much knew. I wanted him to talk to me first, though. And…he didn’t. So Friday morning I got impatient and reached out to him, we had an awkward small-talk conversation that was NOT at all like our usual stuff. So I went out to lunch, and left him with this message: “so…I'm going outside for lunch. Should be epic. Anyway, if you get bored anytime soon and want to hang out, give me a call, I'd be up for it. If you're not, no worries. I don't want to bug you if wednesday was it for you - I've been on the other side and it's…a weird dynamic. You can let me know either way, it’s cool I promise :-)”

I gave him the option of going out easy, giving me the obvious answer and not having to say it while I was there – but he waited until I got back. Which, is actually nice, I think? Anyway, he said he wasn’t interested in a relationship. He actually said relationship, which I thought was funny considering I only said “if you want to hang out again” but I suppose that’s where it ultimately would have gone anyway.

But he surprised me by saying that he really liked me, that I was fun and great and he would never say no to a new friend; he liked talking to me. And the thing is, with him, I believe it. He’s honest and upfront, which made the whole “I don’t like you like that” much easier, I think. He wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it. So he says “These conversations can be really awkward but I’m glad we’re cool” and then we went on chatting for the rest of the day like normal, it was right back to the witty banter kind of stuff we had been doing all week. Which made me really happy.

So, I don’t really know if and how long this “friendship” thing will last, but I actually hope it does. He’s really fun and we have so much in common, I can see him as a guy friend whose honest opinion I can rely on if I needed advice, and that’s rare. So that's that. All in all I think for "not working out" it worked out pretty well.

Am I disappointed there’s no romance? Sort of – maybe 25% disappointed that it’s not with him, and 75% disappointed in that another dating situation didn’t work out. I think if that’s the kind of rejection I’m dealing with, then I’m doing pretty well.

It doesn’t take a lot for me to think that I’m not good enough, but I don’t really feel that way this time. No one said anything about physical characteristics, and I’m jumping to conclusions by thinking that’s what his “problem” with me is, but…even if it is, I’m okay with it. Especially if we stay friends and I get super hot and get to throw it in his face. Because I’m a rational woman that is in no way petty.

Aw, I don't have a good post title. For shame, self.

Hello my loves!

Hope you’re doing well this fine Saturday morning (or afternoon, or evening, or whenever you are depending on your location)

I am beyond happy it’s Saturday. Had a stressful week at work, I definitely need a few days off to recharge. Plus I’ve been sick since Monday, but choosing to ignore it as much as possible. But I can’t ignore a sore-throat and maybe a bit of a fever away, unfortunately. Meh. Oh well, it didn’t stop me from anything this week!

So I said I went to the gym Wednesday morning, right? Well guess who had two thumbs and did it again Thursday morning!?!!?

Yep. (Please don't judge the room...I know, it's such a mess. And yes, there's a teddy bear back there. It's from Harrod's! That's a legit reason for keeping it, right??)

I even got up and got there Friday morning, but I forgot that my gym doesn’t open until 8 on Fridays. GRR! Oh also, I think I might have found a gym I might want to switch to – Fitness First. They have locations in DC, Arlington, Alexandria, my town, and a few others, so I feel like I can still go there no matter where I end up living or working, and they’re also open at 5am everyday, AND open on Sundays, which my gym is not. And I think they’re around the same cost as mine.

Now I’m just dragging my heels on actually going in to my current gym to quit it, b/c I feel like I hear so many stories about extra fees and all this crap gyms tack on to scare you out of leaving…ugh. I’ll probably wait on this a few weeks until I can work up the courage :-P

*In other news, I got some bananas yeserday, and LOOK:

Are any of you familiar with the Wii game SuperMonkeyBall? My friends and I are kind of obsessed with it, we always play when we’re all together (usually at the holidays). I saw/bought these yesterday at Trader Joe’s…and I literally called like four of my friends to tell them about it.

…I called my friends on a Friday night to tell them about bananas I had purchased. YEP.

Speaking of food, my eating has been really really good! Lots of good food happening over here: greek yogurt, fruit, vitatops, turkey breast sandwiches with hummus, spinach and alfalfa sprouts, Luna Bars (I would seriously do terrible things to mankind to keep my supply of Lemon Zest Luna Bars up), cottage cheese, almond milk, veggies, and of course Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Masala and Paneer Tikka Masala. I don't know if you'd consider those last two healthy, but they are just seriously so. fucking. good. That's right, so good I have to curse. That good.

*You should go over to Low Fat Kat and read this most recent post of hers, it’s about men and chocolate! We were talking about it yesterday (in that it was *her* idea and she was telling me about it - I'm not that smart) and it’s a really good post. So go see it. We may or may not have gchatted for like 4 hours yesterday. Why can’t she be a dude and I can date her?! We haven’t met in real life, but when we do, it’ll look something like this:

Additions to my earlier post slash Laura v. Technology

Trying out this whole auto-publish thing. I can't tell the future, but I'm guessing this is what my 2:30 in the afternoon will sound like:

"Oh my goddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd is this day over yettttttttttttttttttttttttttttt???????"

Something like that.

Anyway, two things to add on to this morning's post:

1: I WENT TO THE GYM THIS MORNING! And better than that, I think I actually liked it! If this is your reaction, don't worry, it's mine too:



It was really good. I had to get down to business because I only had a little over 30 minutes to be there, and it's done and out of the way! I walked for 3 minutes, then ran at 5.0mph for 10:30. Then I did like 2.5 weight machines (all leg) and then had to go. I feel great about it! (my inner cynic says: "too much cheer this early in the morning, I don't even know who you are anymore...") I also enjoy that it already puts my water intake at like 30oz before my day really even starts!

I don't even mind that I had to get up at 5am, which, by the way, I also did Monday and Tuesday. I don't leave my house for work until 7:15am but I like having time to sit around, blog, and eat breakfast and pack my lunch with some thought put into it. You could tell me that I could make my lunch ahead of time, but you would be underestimating my lack of motivation to do ANYTHING after work :-P

2: I just realized I have 150 followers! What a lovely number. :-D Thank you guys! And for all your comments, too - I would be better at responding but I can't directly reply to a lot of the comments, I guess b/c you either need a gmail account for me to reply directly from my email where I get comment alerts? I don't know. My dream one day is to have my own domain, and sort of combine it with my real life blog, so I can bring my two worlds together. I don't like having parts of my life hidden from others - I want it to be one big narcissistic house of LAURA! Plus I think you guys would like my real life friends, and they'd like you a whole bunch too.

AW LOVE FEST. BARF.

oops!

I ended up going home early yesterday - I was running a little bit of a fever and felt really sick. Bleh. So I seriously went to bed at 6pm and was too tired to blog :-P Apologies! Because I know you were sitting there refreshing every 4 seconds waiting for my Awards post. Don't deny it.

First up!

Okay, basically the only one that requires me to write anything is the "Creative Writer" Award, and it will have me come up with at least six outrageous lies and a few truths, and you have to figure out which! I'll never tell.

1. I've gotten hit by a car.
2. Somewhere in Japan, in someone's tourist/trip scrapbooks, there are pictures of me.
3. I've eaten alligator meat.
4. I accidentally burned part of a house down.
5. I've been in a physical fight more than once.
6. I had a three week fling with a Scottish dude.
7. I used to work for the circus.
8. I eat tomatoes like apples.
9. I'm in love with someone.
10. I was on TV during last year's Inauguration.

The other two I don't have to do anything but nominate people (and for one of them, say why they're so great!), so I'm gonna combine all three and nominate the following people for them - you can choose to accept all or some of the awards if you want!

1. Kat at Low Fat Kat. Because she's an amazing writer, hilarious, we're basically the same person, and our iPods are best friends.

2. Jessica at  Living in the Gym, Kitchen and Mall She has been through a lot health-wise, and is so self-aware and really takes care of herself. And her food is SO healthy and delicious, and I love her pictures. She was my secret bloggie valentine and got me hooked on Luna Bars and Amazing Grass SuperFood powders :-)

3. Kaitlin at Everyday Grace I love how honest she is. And I really like the name of her blog! She's lost almost 50 pounds and she really is doing it with grace, I think.

4. Megan at Megan Loses We're very similar - 20somethings in DC working on weight loss. I just found her recently but she has a lot of great, relatable posts. We've got to meet in real life! :-)

5. Kat at Kat's Adventures in Dietland Her tweets are hilarious and her posts are so honest and she has lost 50 pounds! So inspiring and funny and great.

I should really do more than 5 because if you look at my blogroll..come on now. I read like 8 million. But I have to get ready for work! I should probably, you know, put in a full day there. It's a crazy idea, I know.


***Before I go, I would like to point out that after blogging yesterday morning, I did the 30 Day Shred video. Level 1, of course. And also of course, I am sore today. Good times***

Party at a Rich Food's House

(Song is off Ke$ha's new album. It pains me a little to use that dollar sign, but I have to do her justice. I haven't actually listened to that particular song, but I'm slightly ashamed to say I like Kiss N Tell, Your Love is My Drug, and obbbviiiii Tik Tok. Sometimes I have the musical palate of a tween.)

Not much on my mind other than, I need to somehow get into the exercise groove again. I think one of the things that prevents me from going is my idea that once I’m there I have to run the fastest and the longest, and then bust my ass on weights, and then do MORE cardio and basically Biggest-Loser-Last-Chance-Workout-It every. single. time. and it feels insurmountable and I give up before I even start. I need to not set the bar so high, in that sense.

I know a lot of you are probably thinking that I should be doing that kind of workout every time, because you are! I read blogs, I see! And once I do start getting into a rhythm, it doesn’t take long before I see if I can push a little more, or sneak in a few more reps…I just hate that I set an unreachable goal that prevents me from moving at all. I need to aim lower, at least at first.

My eating is great now and I'm proud of it, and crawling out of the black hole that was January didn’t happen by going zero to sixty. In fact I’m sometimes even hyperaware of my eating, because I don’t want to start “seeing if I can eat a little less” every day, because I’ve done it before and it doesn’t lead anywhere good. Did I ever tell you about the time in grad school when I basically challenged myself to subsist on nothing but a Sugar Free Red Bull all day? I won the challenge but lost…me? Integrity? I don’t know what I lost but…it was unhealthy.

Anyway my point is that I really want to work on keeping things steady. My eating is steady (for now, one day at a time and such) and I want my workouts to be that way too…so I just need to get there.

Breakfast:

*half a WW bagel with 1 tbsp The Bees Knees PB&Co, and 1 tbsp chia seeds sprinkled on top. (not a bad combo! Though don’t eat it in front of other people because the seeds-in-teeth ratio is WAY UP on this one)

Lunch:

*peach chobani with 1 tbsp chia seeds
*sandwich: ¼ granny smith apple, sliced, small wedge of brie (sliced), few slices of turkey breast, small handful of craisins
*13 Newman’s Own pretzel sticks

Snack:
*1/2 cup cottage cheese

Another “Snack”:
*Amazing Grass Chocolate GreenSuperFood drink powder

Dinner:

*WW Smart Ones Lasagna Florentine

Meal Simple

Today was a reasonably good day. Work was meh. Food was good. Water intake was great (over a gallon)! Exercise was good. I hopped on the treadmill for a fast walk for 30 minutes. I was definitely sweating!

Do you guys ever look at the website Cute Overload? Please look at this post, it warms my heart to an unbelievable degree.

Breakfast:

*half a piece of tandoori naan
*1/4 cup egg subst. with a few dashes of hot sauce
*pomegranate and passion fruit siggi yogurt (the Icelandic kind! ridonkulously thick and much more tart than any yogurt i've had, but i kind of liked it! i really liked how thick it was. TWSS!)
*can of V8

Snack:

*Cranbran VitaTop

Lunch:

*1/2 cup cottage cheese
*sandwich: 2 tbsp red pepper hummus, 4oz turkey breast, 1 multi-grain arnolds thin, 1/4 or so alfalfa sprouts? They’re kind of hard to measure. (SO GOOOOOD)
*9 baby carrots

Snack:

*1 serving of all-bran garlic&herb crackers

Snack:

*half a pink lady apple

Snack:

*Amazing Grass Amazing Meal (Pomegranate Mango Infusion flavor) right before I left work!

This one is by far my least favorite. Not bad tasting, but I liked the other ones much better. Like the chocolate ones for example. Which I ordered.

Dinner: (Apparently I’m craving protein like a what what, even though I had about 60some grams racked up from the day already)

I was preparing to make a salad, but then I didn’t know what dressing to use, so I gave up and put it all back and ate the following instead, and it totally hit the spot. – Yes, I was too lazy to make a SALAD. Ha!

*turkey breast with roasted red pepper hummus. (Take slice of turkey. Dip in hummus container. I am a classy, classy individual)
*1/2 a cup of cottage cheese.

Water intake was 132oz plus 3 cups of green tea!

You Make Me Meal So Young

…I don’t really have anything to write about other than what I ate and exercised. I’m boring. Ha, am I a better writer when I’m “tortured” and going completely off the rails with my eating? That’s not exactly incentive! I think I'm just tired - it's been a long day.

See: when I got home tonight I got out of the car and walked to go check to the mail (the boxes are all clustered together at the other end of the neighborhood). I still had my keys in my hand and when I got to the mailbox, I started to hit the "Unlock" button on my car's remote, like I was going to open the mailbox that way....YIKES.

Here, you can have some random pictures.

The two Luna bars I bought the other day but am saving until Lent is over...they are borderline sweets with those flavors!

I took this one two years ago at the SF Zoo. It still cracks me up. And yes, I've totally submitted it to Cute Overload.... :-)

Took this one on my phone during a particularly exhausting grad school study session.

Breakfast:

Egg scramble: ½ cup egg subst. with 1 chorizo chicken sausage cut up and a couple dashes of hot sauce.

Lunch:

*Trader Joe’s Chicken Tikka Masala
*4 strawberries and 4 BIG pineapple chunks cut up

Snack:
*1 100 calorie bag of Smart Pop Kettle Corn
*handful of baby carrots

*Another GreenSuperFood packet on the way home to the gym!

At the gym I did a 30 minute elliptical course, and then 5 minutes cool down, also on the elliptical. It was good times.

Dinner:

*1 Vegetable Masala patty (Trader Joe’s wins again!)
*Egg subst. “omlette” – egg subst. and a small handful of reduced fat sharp cheddar with a lil bit of ketchup on top.

Random but DELISH and totally hit the spot. Observe:

Can You Meal the Love Tonight

I feel like I have a lot in my food section. But most of those are cups of green tea...I drank SEVEN today. I have no idea why. I just kept going back and filling up over and over. Oh well. Antioxidants, here I come.

I actually had a pretty good day, I think. I managed to motivate myself to go to the gym, I ate really healthfully, and I got to use a new lunchbox!

I picked myself up a Bento Box the other day! (made by Laptop Lunches, which is basically for kids but who cares)

Look how cute! The fruit and the cracker ones have lids that go on them and to the right there's a space for utensils. Which I didn't use, because I'm classy.

Breakfast:

*strawberry chobani
*half a pink lady apple
*banana

Between breakfast and lunch:

*cup of green tea
*half a lara bar
*another cup of green tea!
*aaand another cup of green tea
*and another cup of green tea

Lunch:

*baby carrots
*sandwich: roasted red pepper hummus, 1 LCL wedge, a few slices of turkey breast, alfalfa sprouts (this was SO GOOD) I had to stop and pace myself to keep from wolfing it down it 2 seconds. OMNOMNOM.
*mix of pineapple and strawberry chunks
*all-bran garlic & herb crackers
*can of V8

*another cup of green tea
*another cup of green tea (that makes 6!)
*another cup of green tea (7...yeesh)

*other half of the lara bar
*then I made the berry flavored greensuperfood packet to drink on the way home before the gym!

The gym!
 2 minutes walking, 8 minutes running at 5.0mph
4 weight machines
2.5 minutes on the stairmill
one more weight machine
3 minutes running at 5.5mph
3 minutes walking at 2.6mph

Dinner: (aka Breakfast for Dinner) proteintastic!

*cup of cottage cheese
*egg subst. with Canadian bacon with a little bit of ketchup

Post Script up in this bitch!

Jen @ Prior Fat Girl is doing a totally sweet giveaway. Check.Check.Check-a-Check it out!