to be continued again...

I would take this time to write my food out for the day, but I have a raging headache that is probably a migraine (headaches don't make you see purple and white spots, do they?) and it's killing me - I'm just gonna try and go to bed.

Meal Housewives of DC

(speaking of which, I wonder what that show is gonna be like compared to the others...totally gonna watch it though at least once 'cause I'm a sucker for anything set in this area :-P )

Okay, here are the meals from yesterday, as promised!

First meal:

*baby carrots
*half a PB sandwich
*1 string cheese

Second meal:

*whole wheat wrap: spinach, honey mustard, chicken salad (the same kind from the past week), 1 LCL wedge
*1 VitaRain vitamin water

Third /Fourth meal:

*helping of roasted butternut squash
*half a bag of 94% fat free kettle corn
*diet coke

My eating schedule was out of whack today but food wise I think it was good. That whole wheat wrap was by far the tastiest thing I ate. And we got these new wraps that are 50 calories per wrap! 5 and 7 grams of protein and dietary fiber – though I can’t remember which is which. Either way it’s pretty good. And they taste good.

I mentioned this yesterday, but it was also the first day that I have had something to drink other than coffee and water in about a month. Those vitarain things are pretty good, but it has aspartame so I started shying away from it. Same goes for DC I guess. It was all good though - no weird reactions or anything.

***

It's gonna take me awhile to get my food posts up for today, 'cause I'm spending all day at my friend's house. I have mentioned her previously - my childhood friend that now has twin boys; they are a year old today and having a birthday party. My childhood friend (and her husband) also went to VT. So when all adults leave, the FakeAdults (us) are going to relax and watch the VT/GT game.

So it'll be a while before I get back home to tell you the thrilling tale of what I ate today. I know the suspense will kill you.

[PS - can I just brag about my life for a hot second? I love love love that I am lucky enough to have gone through every single school together with some of my friends (and still be very close with them) - elementary, middle, high, and college. All the same. Always friends. I'm so lucky. My mom said once "It is such a fun and special thing that you know people that know what you looked like when you were 8" and I totally agree. ]

[PPS - my two week work stint is over, so I won't have to see FakeKevin again, ever. Also, he's engaged, I found out - did I mention that earlier? I'm too lazy to go look through my other posts to check. Whatever.  I tried to let it go and stop being such a basketcase the past few days, and that was mostly fine. I hate how my brain works sometimes. Oh well - upward and onward!]

to be continued...

LONG LONG LONG day. Eating was better. I'm too tired to write it down now! You'll get it tomorrow morning(ish...I am partaking in the glorious ritual that is going to sleep without setting an alarm - really, is there anything better?)

Though I will tell you now, the highlight of the day - or lowlight depending on your perspective - is that I had a diet coke tonight. My first soda since the first weekend in September! Crazytown, USA.

Meal My Sunshine

Okay, I’m gonna get the gym deets out of the way first! I was there for about 45ish minutes, I think? I can usually tell by how much of my playlist has cycled through, but I didn’t wear my iPod today! I kind of shook things up today.

First, I got on the elliptical, but the glidey one with the handles that swing, not the stairsteppy one with the ramp. God I hope you know what I mean. Anyway, I did that for 5 minutes. Then:

Stairmaster for about 30 seconds.
Treadmill for 20 mins.
Stairmaster for one minute.
Two weight machines and upped my weight on the leg press.
Stairmaster for one minute.
One more chest/tricep machine

I liked that I did a few different things; and I barely got through those stairmaster sessions. It doesn’t feel like it adds up to 45 minutes, but I think that includes breaks to get water from the cooler because I’m a dummy and forgot my water bottle. UGH. Forgetting things is a theme today, read on.

Breakfast:

*steel cut oatmeal (about 2in by 3inch piece) with 2 tbsp almonds, 1 packet of splenda, sprinkling of nutmeg and cinnamon
*apple
*cup of coffee

Lunch:

*celery and baby carrots dipped in tzatziki sauce
*Nature Valley Honey and Oats granola bar

This is the part where my instinct is to lie and tell you that I had dinner and ate what I had in my bag. But I won't - closet not-eating is just as dangerous and unhealthy as closet-eating. I didn't eat dinner - I went straight from work to the gym while completely forgetting about the food I had in my bag to eat, and came home and had to rush back out and run errands and prepare myself for the goings-on of tomorrow, and that took up my entire evening until now.

I’m not going into work/temp stuff, but I’ve been so frazzled the past couple of days I can’t really think about anything else other than everything that is going on tomorrow – and by the time I thought about food, it was about 10pm and I didn’t want to eat so late because I’ll be going to bed pretty soon here and I was unsure about the digestion factor. Also, I didn’t think about food until 10pm tonight. Even as I sit right now, and take a minute to listen to my stomach, I’m not hearing a damn thing. It’s tough to balance listening to yourself and taking your own cues with a proper eating schedule.

[side note: I AM APPARENTLY NOT A MULTITASKER]

If I’m REALLY going to be honest, there is a part of me that feels okay with it, if we go by the calories in/calories out method. I eat less, I will lose more weight. I eat less, my stomach will shrink and I will be conditioned to be fuller faster. And I don’t mean to say I want to eat so little, it’s in no way a goal of mine, but if it happens because I’m running around (figuratively and literally) then it happens. And just to be clear, I’m happy when I eat full, creative, healthy, fresh, interesting meals consistently and constantly through the day. I accept when a day like today happens. I think there is a difference, yes?

I understand how this looks, and there are a lot of things I want to avoid: replacing one eating disorder (eating too much) with another (eating too little), malnutrition, and being the girl months from now that is even farther down the slippery slope, reading this post and seeing the tipping point.

So, just like I started out making choices to eat healthy, I’m going to start making it a priority to really make sure I’m eating enough. It’s officially On Notice, to borrow a phrase from Mr. S. Colbert.

Now, I don’t want to reward my behavior, but I also want to talk about clothes. So, clothes win out. I bit the bullet and went and bought a few new things to make my life a little easier:

*Two pairs of size 20 jeans from Old Navy! They are The Dreamer style, I like them! They are the slightest bit snug in the waist, but not enough to keep me from wearing them in public. And I’ll be able to wear them for a few months while I hopefully shrink out of them and move into those 18s. Whenever that happens. So new jeans that fit! Yay!

*New walking around shoes, in size 8.5. That was one of the craziest things from SWL1; even my feet got smaller! So my new kicks are super cute.

*New underwear! I have the Hanes Plus size or whatever, in size 10. I also got a package that is supposed to be for sized 16 women, but they kinda fit me. So I’ll have those for the future.

Now I won’t have a saggy ass complex happening – it’s very exciting.

One more clothes thing – I have this cream, a-line skirt from Target that is AH-DORE-AH-BUL and it fits me again! I’m totally wearing it tomorrow. And new jeans on Saturday. Oh, it’s gonna be a good lookin’ weekend.

Sun in the sky, you know how I meal

Breakfast:

*2/3 a cup of cottage cheese
*1/4 a cup raspberries
*can of V8

Lunch:

*Sliced gala apple
*Half a chicken salad sandwich (craisins, diced gala apple, chunk chicken, 1-2 tbsp plain yogurt) on whole grain bread
*1 nature valley peanut granola bar

Dinner:

*one hard boiled egg
*half a tuna salad sandwich: the same mix from yesterday, on a halved slice of whole grain bread

Snack/Dessert:

*one bag of 94% fat free kettle corn popcorn

***
 
No gym today. I felt partly tired, partly "giving myself the night off".  It seems like whenever I'm in a good mood, I let myself have a pass, but when I'm angry or irritated then I have to get to the gym to work it out! Is reactionary gym-attendance similar to emotional eating?

No time for clever post titles! I'm watching TBL!

Breakfast:

*3/4 a cup of cottage cheese
*piece of whole grain bread with 1 tbsp peanut butter
*can of V8

Lunch:

*sliced gala apple
*Nature Valley Honey N Oats (two bars)
*string cheese

Dinner:

*2/3 a cup of tuna salad (same from yesterday - it lasts!)
*sliced gala apple
*roasted veggies (cauliflower, butternut squash, onions)

Just getting this info in whilst I watch The Biggest Loser, and participate in my first live-blog over at Fat Bridesmaid! Good times.

***

I went to the gym today too. I'm not sure how long I was there. I did 16ish minutes on the treadmill, with some jogging (at 5mph!) and then I did weights, and then two minutes jogging, then a couple more weight machines, then another 20 minutes (or around there, I've literally forgotten how many - something like 18-20) again on the treadmill.

So a pretty good day! The only thing I didn't like is I packed a snack to have between work and the gym, but I left it at work. I guess I'll have it for tomorrow!

I'm a prolific blogger today.

Breakfast:

*Can of V8
*pumpkin spice muffin (someone brought them into work)

Lunch:

*leftover pizza from Saturday night (2 pieces)
*2 almonds

Dinner:

*roasted vegetables: butternut squash, onions, cauliflower


And no gym today. My legs are still a bit sore from yesterday so I’m giving myself the day off!

***

I had some extra time tonight, so I went ahead and took new pictures. They’re a different zoom than the last ones so I’m not sure if you can really see the weight loss or not. I should probably wear the same clothing and note the zoom setting, but whatever. The results will eventually show regardless of continuity and THAT will be the sweetest.

And here’s that hat I was talking about! Target – 10 bucks! I'm pretty much in love with it. I feel sassy when I wear it.

The next time...

Okay, I’m just gonna put it out there. I want to be The Hot Friend. Or The Hot New Girl, or what have you. You know what I mean – at a friend’s wedding, the hot single friend that guys talk to, or having the opportunity to “meet someone” when you hang out with friends of friends, or similar situations. Hell, even at work maybe, if we don’t consider the pros and/or cons of office dating.

I spent almost the whole day with FakeKevin today – just the two of us. We had a fairly good time, though he got some bad personal news over the phone that made the second half of our day kind of awkward. But no one can be blamed for that, it happens. When I found out we would be paired together I was simultaneously excited and disappointed. Excited because he’s effing hot, and disappointed because there is nothing there between us (from his perspective, anyway). Were I 80 pounds lighter, I think I might have a chance - whether you want to base that on looks or my own confidence in them - they're both contributing factors to how we view the sex/gender we are attracted to.

Anyway the whole thing just got me thinking – after a summer of weddings where there have been cute single people, I come up empty handed. Or this two week job thing when I am working closely with a group of people many of whom are young, including FakeKevin, but it's clearrrrrrly a NO. And that’s not to say that every healthy-looking single person that goes to a wedding or meets a group of new people automatically comes away with a boyfriend – I’m just trying to say that…I don’t know what I’m trying to say exactly. (do you? I apparently could use some help.)

Just for once. I want to be The Hot Girl that goes to her friend’s wedding or *insert function/event/place here*, meets her friend’s friend and connect with him. The Hot Girl knows that he’s a good guy because she can trust her friends’ judgement, and I’m sure there’s some sort of transitive property that proves that we will have similar/overlapping interests somewhere.

I feel like I’ve wasted all of these opportunities to meet a guy and make something of it, because I’ve been too big to be noticed/confident in myself. And I’m worrying when these kinds of situations are going to run out. That’s not to say this is the only way to meet someone, I just have all of these kinds of events in this stage in my life at the moment and it would be nice to be noticed. And, yes, maybe make out with someone a little bit. God, I miss that. TMI? Whatever. I claim Honest Scrap (it’s like Blog Sanctuary)

I guess…it’s nice to be noticed. And to be flirted with. It’s one of those things that makes you feel human. And yes, I'll say it, it's a nice little slice of validation. During SWL1, I didn’t feel like I was a human being until I got around 195 pounds. Before then I treated myself as a fat blob. A fat, inanimate blob. But at 195, I became an overweight person. Overweight, yes, but a PERSON nonetheless. That was such a Moment for me – when I realized I felt like a person. Simple yet incredibly meaningful. I was walking with my head up, not down at my feet. I found myself smiling at guys I thought were cute. I was naturally happy and wanted to make others feel the way I felt. I existed; I was valuable; I deserved respect and love.

This time around, it still holds true even as I gain confidence from the progress so far. I was walking down the street last week and I was thinking to myself about how I liked what I was wearing and it looked good on me. And then a minute later I saw my reflection – it was fat. That’s all I could focus on, was the protruding stomach, big thighs, kinda saggy but huge boobs, and several chins. Not a person – just a bunch of fat.

It may not be right, but my self-worth is very much connected to what I weigh/look like. What I continue to lose in pounds I gain in confidence in myself. I know so many people say that you have to love the body you have and be comfortable with yourself before you can really make a solid, long lasting change – I honestly don’t know if I can do that.

Anyway I think I’m veering into a different blog post, but my point is, I just want to be noticed. And I want to be confident enough to be willing to be noticed.

Hold Up Weight a Minute Let Me Put Some Pimpin' in It

I'm not even gonna fake you out on this one!


238.6!

That is a 5 pound loss! I think it's partly because last week I only had a .4 loss, as it was coming off of a time which shall not be named. (Guess I still have a little Harry Potter in me from last night!)

So I'm excited. This means I'm down a total of 22 pounds so far. Wooot. No idea on inches, I forgot to do that at the beginning. I know that my bra fits better (it was a little snug when I bought it) and obviously the jeans are getting too big. And a shirt or two are fitting much better than they used to. I'd rather have these kind of measurements than...actual measurements? Clothes are more fun, anyway.

In other news, I am kinda sore this morning! I think I did more jogging yesterday on the track than I would have if I had done it on the treadmill. It was nice to not be a slave to the display numbers. And this might sound silly, but whenever I take a walk (which is rarely) or use resources that my community has, I always feel more connected to it and appreciative of my town and where I live. This helps a lot since I still live with my parents and I am often embarrassed about it.

***

Um, not like this matters, but I haven't used the beauty and music tags/labels in a while. So I thought I would. That's another obsession I have right along with office supplies - beauty/body products. Especially face/hair/makeup. If I had to narrow it down to my favorite beauty supply it would be:

Biosilk Silk Therapy. I have naturally curly/wavy hair that can also get really frizzy. Either when I blow-dry it straight or leave it to air-dry curly, I put this in every time post-shower, pre-comb. It is seriously a wonder product. And I like the way it smells. And you only need a dime-size amount (I think it's about a centimeter width, for our overseas friends!) so it'll last a long time.




And music, I just got a couple more of the Glee songs. I have been listening to their version of Alone (it's Matt Morrisson and Kristin Chenowith!) and the mash-up of Halo/Walkin' on Sunshine. Good times. It's definitely a morning/pick me up song.

Bits n Bobs

I love good English slang, don't you? I spent two months in London last summer and I just wanted to say everything they said. I told my friends I was going to pull a Madonna and come back sounding Phony-English-y. Maybe even go full-Eliza Doolittle.

Moving on...

Breakfast:

*piece of pumpkin bread with ½ a tablespoon of Third Less Fat Philly Cream Cheese
*banana halved lengthwise with 1 tbsp peanut butter
*half a cup of coffee

Lunch:

*baby carrots and sabra hummus (individual size)
*half a tuna salad sandwich: tuna, 1 egg white, 2 LCL wedges, 1 tbsp mustard, 1 tbsp sweet relish (used maybe ¼ of the whole thing?) 1 toasted piece of whole grain bread halved

Dinner:
*black bean veggie burger wrap: black bean veggie burger, lettuce, ketchup and mustard in a “chipotle tortilla”
*kettle chips
*1 and a half pickle spears

I had dinner at a Cinema Drafthouse tonight – while watching Harry Potter 6! It’s the second time I’ve seen it. Have I mentioned that I’m head over heels for the Harry Potter books and movies? Yes, I am. I am in love with Ronald Weasley, the character and the actor who plays him.

Neville is my second favorite character. Anyway, um, what? Oh, the drafthouse. Yes, they serve you booze and food and you get to watch a movie on the cheap – $5.50! I just got water and that wrap, and my movie + food + tip was $17. I think for dinner and a movie that is pretty good.

I tried to not eat too many kettle chips, and I also picked out the small pieces. I would say I ate maybe 1/5 of the chips they gave me – there were a lot. I’d say at least a cup and a half? Maybe two? You do the math on those fractions, haha. I’m BSing it anyway.

***

I went to the track today! I did three miles. Out of the 12 laps, 2 were full walking, 2 were full jogging, and the rest were a combo of jogging/walking – sometimes I ran just the straights, or the curves, or just one of the curves or straights. I was definitely worn out from it!

***

I had to try and shrink my jeans again today. And tonight I wore one of the pairs to the movie tonight – they’re now too loose in the waist. Grrr. Haha, but it’s a happy grrr, isn’t it? I just hope I can get away with them for another month or so until I can properly fit into those 18s. We shall see, time will tell, etc etc.