Yeah, I keep saying I won’t talk about Bill. I’m gonna talk about Bill. Sigh. At some point I’m hoping my neuroses will be relatable.
I had an intense conversation with him yesterday. It’s a long complex thing that I could analyze til I’m blue in the face (and I’ve already been doing this, let’s be honest here) but…he loves me, but he can’t take “us” more serious until he knows what is going to happen next year when his middle east deal is up.
I owned up to my feelings, and now it’s time to face facts in some ways. There is a man who loves me, but is ultimately unavailable and may stay that way. The feelings are there, but he is thinking about work and grad school classes and getting his life on track.
Here’s the thing, I went through all of that last year. I started my career, I moved out on my own (okay, yes, with two roommates), I got a hell of a lot closer to the life I want. And so being in a relationship was the next thing that I wanted. And I actually found that someone! It took me 9-10 months of solid dating andso I’m still holding on so tightly because, I finally found him and I let him into that newer, better life and then he left and I’m still sad about these places in my life where he used to be.
So here’s what I WANT to say: I’m gonna take this conversation we had and put it in a box, wrap it up and slap a Don’t Take It Personally Bow on it, and put in away in the top shelf of my closet for now. And then put on a cute outfit from said closet and go out into the world and get what I want in the mean time.
(Neither Here Nor There, or NHNT: the outfit I’m wearing today has been described by a coworker as “Hot Cowgirl”)
Of course It’s one thing to write it, it’s another to believe it and truly clear my head and heartspace of him, while still wanting him in my life because he is important to me, and who knows what will happen. What I’m struggling with is… on the one hand, a relationship is something I want, and there is nothing wrong with that. And it’s my choice to put energy into something/someone I want. And god bless him, he loves me for me. I didn’t have to lose an ounce of weight for him to think I’m pretty or want the sexytimes with me.
(YEAHHH rarwrrrrr)
I am scared I won’t find that again in someone that I also find attractive, and also…It took me a solid 9-10 months of dating before I found him. I don’t want to have to go through that again (look, I know, I’m going through all of this for the first time ever, cut me a little slack) and I’m an incredibly impatient person, and it’s disheartening to look at that long road that is stretched out in front of me.
I don’t know how to end this entry. OR ANYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE, CLEARLY! :-P
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
16 February 2011
03 February 2011
headlights on dark roads - snow patrol
"I will reach out and take it....'cause I'm so tired of all this fear"
I still sort of feel like a phony with the blogging and the tweeting again. But I have been repeating to myself all day...health & happy, healthy & happy. That seems to help.
I went to Zumba tonight! I pride myself on being able to dance - I have rhythm and some moves, but...I was TERRIBLE at it! But that's okay, it was fun; I'm looking forward to going back and getting better. And it's fun to sort of treat it like dance class, too. And I really like the instructor, she was cool. So yay! Now to see if I am sore tomorrow...
The eats of the day (side note: this is so sad....but I ate ALL THREE meals at work today. So...unfortunate) were pretty good!
Packet of emergen-c with water (I wouldn’t list it, but it is technically 25 calories, and if it has calories, it gets mentioned!)
Breakfast: pomegranate Chobani, half of a whole wheat bagel thin with PB&Co The Bees Knees peanut butter...the best peanut butter in our solar system.
Lunch: an orange! (I cannot remember the last time I had an orange…), and a sandwich: trader joe’s multi-grain bread, half a laughing cow wedge, one slice white American cheese, a few ounces of low-sodium turkey breast, and a slice and a half of avocado
Snack: chocolate peppermint stick luna bar
Dinner: Spa Lean Cuisine, Apple Cranberry Chicken
And lots of water and a cup or two of green tea.
I feel good. I feel good that I'm doing good things for myself. I am still having a lot of trouble with Bill (CRAP THERE GOES THE BAN...didn't even last one. freaking. day.) and looking for his praise to guide how I'm feeling. I need to fix this. I hope it comes with practice, and with time. I want to be able to do it without having to cut him out of my life...it's not his fault I have low self-esteem and he can't live up to my unrealistic expectations and constant need for validation...if it wasn't him it'd be someone else. It needs to be ME for once. I think this is going to take just as much work as losing weight...
healthy and happy...healthy and happy.
I still sort of feel like a phony with the blogging and the tweeting again. But I have been repeating to myself all day...health & happy, healthy & happy. That seems to help.
I went to Zumba tonight! I pride myself on being able to dance - I have rhythm and some moves, but...I was TERRIBLE at it! But that's okay, it was fun; I'm looking forward to going back and getting better. And it's fun to sort of treat it like dance class, too. And I really like the instructor, she was cool. So yay! Now to see if I am sore tomorrow...
The eats of the day (side note: this is so sad....but I ate ALL THREE meals at work today. So...unfortunate) were pretty good!
Packet of emergen-c with water (I wouldn’t list it, but it is technically 25 calories, and if it has calories, it gets mentioned!)
Breakfast: pomegranate Chobani, half of a whole wheat bagel thin with PB&Co The Bees Knees peanut butter...the best peanut butter in our solar system.
Lunch: an orange! (I cannot remember the last time I had an orange…), and a sandwich: trader joe’s multi-grain bread, half a laughing cow wedge, one slice white American cheese, a few ounces of low-sodium turkey breast, and a slice and a half of avocado
Snack: chocolate peppermint stick luna bar
Dinner: Spa Lean Cuisine, Apple Cranberry Chicken
And lots of water and a cup or two of green tea.
I feel good. I feel good that I'm doing good things for myself. I am still having a lot of trouble with Bill (CRAP THERE GOES THE BAN...didn't even last one. freaking. day.) and looking for his praise to guide how I'm feeling. I need to fix this. I hope it comes with practice, and with time. I want to be able to do it without having to cut him out of my life...it's not his fault I have low self-esteem and he can't live up to my unrealistic expectations and constant need for validation...if it wasn't him it'd be someone else. It needs to be ME for once. I think this is going to take just as much work as losing weight...
healthy and happy...healthy and happy.
08 November 2010
current thoughts
* Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Cream Cheese might be the most amazing thing on the planet.
* I just ordered some stuff from the Breathe fragrance here: http://www.lollialife.com/ ...I’m gonna make out with myself, that’s how good it smells.
* Tonight for dinner I steamed some chopped kale, spinach, zucchini and broccoli and mixed it with some goat cheese and chicken. This was my first time cooking in months, but also my first time eating VEGETABLES in lord knows how long. It was really good. I’m an adult! Sometimes!
* I bought vitamins today. I hope I can make a habit of them.
* I weigh 216. I'm okay with it...just okay. I want to see it go down.
* A boy called me vivacious today. I think I’m gonna keep that one (the adjective, not the boy) in my back pocket for a while.
It's these little things. These little things peppered throughout the day that I need to pay attention to, to focus on. I'm all about the baby steps right now. No, I haven't made it into the gym yet. But I will, I'm letting myself get there when I get there. I know I'm headed there and that's enough for me, I'm being careful and slow and deliberate to ease myself back into being here and truly taking care of myself.
It really does take a lot of effort and time and I want to get it right. That's the health stuff but it's also the boy stuff. (and not even with the one that called me vivacious....what a tangled web I weave...)
There's an ongoing...something...happening and I'm working up the courage to broach the "tell me how you feel about me" conversation, and that is HUGE for me. Something like that takes a lot of self-respect and self-worth and you all reading this know on which side of that line I often stand. Especially because I think in my gut it won't be what I want to hear (I want this to be something meaningful) but I'm going to do my best to keep my mind and my ears open but still not accept less than what I deserve. And then of course, actually follow through on what I said and not chicken out. I am REALLY good at chickening out!
So there's that.
(How often do I tag food, dating, emotions, and thought? That is my LIFE right now!)
* I just ordered some stuff from the Breathe fragrance here: http://www.lollialife.com/ ...I’m gonna make out with myself, that’s how good it smells.
* Tonight for dinner I steamed some chopped kale, spinach, zucchini and broccoli and mixed it with some goat cheese and chicken. This was my first time cooking in months, but also my first time eating VEGETABLES in lord knows how long. It was really good. I’m an adult! Sometimes!
* I bought vitamins today. I hope I can make a habit of them.
* I weigh 216. I'm okay with it...just okay. I want to see it go down.
* A boy called me vivacious today. I think I’m gonna keep that one (the adjective, not the boy) in my back pocket for a while.
It's these little things. These little things peppered throughout the day that I need to pay attention to, to focus on. I'm all about the baby steps right now. No, I haven't made it into the gym yet. But I will, I'm letting myself get there when I get there. I know I'm headed there and that's enough for me, I'm being careful and slow and deliberate to ease myself back into being here and truly taking care of myself.
It really does take a lot of effort and time and I want to get it right. That's the health stuff but it's also the boy stuff. (and not even with the one that called me vivacious....what a tangled web I weave...)
There's an ongoing...something...happening and I'm working up the courage to broach the "tell me how you feel about me" conversation, and that is HUGE for me. Something like that takes a lot of self-respect and self-worth and you all reading this know on which side of that line I often stand. Especially because I think in my gut it won't be what I want to hear (I want this to be something meaningful) but I'm going to do my best to keep my mind and my ears open but still not accept less than what I deserve. And then of course, actually follow through on what I said and not chicken out. I am REALLY good at chickening out!
So there's that.
(How often do I tag food, dating, emotions, and thought? That is my LIFE right now!)
05 November 2010
holy crap, i'm alive!
I actually wanted to post a full post earlier today, and my plan was to get into work early and do it there (hi, I'm a good employee!) but then...dc traffic ruins everything. Anyhoodle, here's what I really want to say, that's been on my mind.
I am constantly saying things. Constantly. And I'm feeling like I never actually follow through on what I say.
"I'm going to blog more"
"I need to get back into the gym"
"I'm going to start blogging again"
"I need to just...keep cool and see how it goes"
"I need to just suck it up and be a good friend"
"I need to let him make the next move, let HIM contact ME"
Rarely do I feel like I follow through on these things anymore. I chicken out - I choose selfishness over giving. I choose giving into insecurity and self-loathing and worst-case scenario (with a dash of soap-opera level theatrics) over rational thought. I choose someone else's value (or perceived/projected value) of me over my own.
(Also, can I ask a very real question? How can I be so narcissistic and simultaneously self-loathing? I'm self-centered and yet, really don't like myself in so many ways. One...that's no way to live. But two...how is that even possible?)
I really...want to be better at this. And I don't want it to be just another thing that I say....I hope it isn't.
Hi, I missed you guys. I hope you might read this, if you ever stop by. I haven't even checked my statreader to see if anyone does... I hope you are doing well. I'm okay, if you're wondering. It's late, and I haven't gotten much sleep the past couple of days, today was an emotionally draining day and I am running on empty - so the melodramatics are admittedly a little high right now. (And I've also been PMS Smurf for the past two weeks) but...I wanted to just express myself to a group I've neglected and who knows a lot of what I'm going through.
Hopefully more soon. On dating. On me. On my trip to the Bay Area and The Family and The Matriarch. Maybe a little on work, but I'm very anti-talking-about-work-on-the-internet, so....maybe not too much of that.
I am constantly saying things. Constantly. And I'm feeling like I never actually follow through on what I say.
"I'm going to blog more"
"I need to get back into the gym"
"I'm going to start blogging again"
"I need to just...keep cool and see how it goes"
"I need to just suck it up and be a good friend"
"I need to let him make the next move, let HIM contact ME"
Rarely do I feel like I follow through on these things anymore. I chicken out - I choose selfishness over giving. I choose giving into insecurity and self-loathing and worst-case scenario (with a dash of soap-opera level theatrics) over rational thought. I choose someone else's value (or perceived/projected value) of me over my own.
(Also, can I ask a very real question? How can I be so narcissistic and simultaneously self-loathing? I'm self-centered and yet, really don't like myself in so many ways. One...that's no way to live. But two...how is that even possible?)
I really...want to be better at this. And I don't want it to be just another thing that I say....I hope it isn't.
Hi, I missed you guys. I hope you might read this, if you ever stop by. I haven't even checked my statreader to see if anyone does... I hope you are doing well. I'm okay, if you're wondering. It's late, and I haven't gotten much sleep the past couple of days, today was an emotionally draining day and I am running on empty - so the melodramatics are admittedly a little high right now. (And I've also been PMS Smurf for the past two weeks) but...I wanted to just express myself to a group I've neglected and who knows a lot of what I'm going through.
Hopefully more soon. On dating. On me. On my trip to the Bay Area and The Family and The Matriarch. Maybe a little on work, but I'm very anti-talking-about-work-on-the-internet, so....maybe not too much of that.
11 April 2010
what goes up...aka bullet point thoughts
- I am totes mcgotes not going to lose weight this week. Only worked out once - Tuesday - and I've been eating whatever I want, which has included beer, chinese food, more beer, WAY too much peanut butter, cookies...and some more beer and generally too much food. So...just to prepare you (and myself) for tomorrow morning. There might even be a pound or two gain. Oops.
- My last day of temping is tomorrow! I'm sad the money stream will be ending, but there's a silver lining of having my afternoons back for a little while to rededicate myself to the gym.
- My EHarmony subscription runs out on Thursday. I "pursued" like 4 guys today, just as a last-ditch effort. One of them actually responded. Hopefully we make it til Thursday. We'll see what happens.
- In other EH news, Sam and I are still buds! We hung out last Monday (that was the chinese food and beer) and last night too. It's been fun. And the more I hang out with him, the more I realize that I would really not want a relationship with him. So it really worked out for the best. But he's a ball of energy and sarcasm and I like both of those things.
- My parents make their triumphant return in about 30-60 minutes! I'm actually looking forward to seeing them (AND MY DOGGIE*!!!!!) but...I am afraid this feeling will not last very long. I'm projecting about 15 minutes. Seriously.
What needs to happen next is that I make my life my bitch and get it all back on my own terms. For realsies.
*
I get to see this guy really soon!
04 April 2010
My Easter Sunday and the latest EH shenanigans
Happy Easter everyone! (or Happy Regular Sunday, for those that don't celebrate Easter!)
My Easter has been great! I celebrated the end of Lent (Sweets 'N Jobs was a success!) by having a Deep Chocolate VitaTop with a tbsp of White Chocolate Wonderful PB&Co peanut butter on top. It was so good! Though The Bees Knees is still the best PB&Co flavor by far, in my opinion. It makes my heart sing.
I also had my Chocolate Peppermint Stick Luna Bar. SO. GOOD. I'm obsessed with mint and chocolate combinations and this did not disappoint. I especially liked the little red peppermint flecks in the iced part on the bottom. So festive and delicious. I can easily see myself keeping a kitchen stocked with Lemon Zest and Chocolate Peppermint Luna Bars. I'm in love.
Talked to my parents today too. They come home a week from today. I will spend this week mentally and emotionally preparing for their return.
AND I finally made spaghetti squash! It was so much easier than I thought. I'm about to make some ground turkey and mix it in with the squash and maybe throw in some marinara sauce. Should be delish!
Below is the story of that EHarmony Guy. Third time was not so much the charm in this case, but that's okay. My subscription ends on April 14th and I'll be content with that. For now!
Oh, before I get to the story, I have to tell you that I got myself to the track today! 3 miles with intervals of running and walking. I did 2 running laps, then alternated walking and running laps until I got to 3 miles, or 12 laps. Good times! And it was nice and sunny out so I think I got a little color, so my skin isn't quite the lovely shade of transparent that it was before.
So, here's the boring and fairly uneventful yet character building story of Sam:
We had been talking all week (gchat) and it was so fun and he made me laugh and I was really comfortable with him, and we clicked. We went out for a drink and dinner this past Wednesday. We had a good time, I think, but it ended with him awkwardly saying, “So, I guess…I’ll be, uh, chatting with you tomorrow!” or something like that. As he turned to walk to his car he had a look on his face that…I don’t know how to describe it, but I think I knew he wasn’t interested. It wasn’t so much a “thank god that’s over” look, but it was something like it.
I was sort of sad. I liked him enough that I wanted to hang out more. There were things about him that I didn’t like, too, but I was willing to overlook them because he made me laugh and was adorable when he smiled. Like he’s kind of a tough guy but then his face softens when he genuinely smiles, it was so cute.
Thursday, the next day, we didn’t talk at all. So I pretty much knew. I wanted him to talk to me first, though. And…he didn’t. So Friday morning I got impatient and reached out to him, we had an awkward small-talk conversation that was NOT at all like our usual stuff. So I went out to lunch, and left him with this message: “so…I'm going outside for lunch. Should be epic. Anyway, if you get bored anytime soon and want to hang out, give me a call, I'd be up for it. If you're not, no worries. I don't want to bug you if wednesday was it for you - I've been on the other side and it's…a weird dynamic. You can let me know either way, it’s cool I promise :-)”
I gave him the option of going out easy, giving me the obvious answer and not having to say it while I was there – but he waited until I got back. Which, is actually nice, I think? Anyway, he said he wasn’t interested in a relationship. He actually said relationship, which I thought was funny considering I only said “if you want to hang out again” but I suppose that’s where it ultimately would have gone anyway.
But he surprised me by saying that he really liked me, that I was fun and great and he would never say no to a new friend; he liked talking to me. And the thing is, with him, I believe it. He’s honest and upfront, which made the whole “I don’t like you like that” much easier, I think. He wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it. So he says “These conversations can be really awkward but I’m glad we’re cool” and then we went on chatting for the rest of the day like normal, it was right back to the witty banter kind of stuff we had been doing all week. Which made me really happy.
So, I don’t really know if and how long this “friendship” thing will last, but I actually hope it does. He’s really fun and we have so much in common, I can see him as a guy friend whose honest opinion I can rely on if I needed advice, and that’s rare. So that's that. All in all I think for "not working out" it worked out pretty well.
Am I disappointed there’s no romance? Sort of – maybe 25% disappointed that it’s not with him, and 75% disappointed in that another dating situation didn’t work out. I think if that’s the kind of rejection I’m dealing with, then I’m doing pretty well.
It doesn’t take a lot for me to think that I’m not good enough, but I don’t really feel that way this time. No one said anything about physical characteristics, and I’m jumping to conclusions by thinking that’s what his “problem” with me is, but…even if it is, I’m okay with it. Especially if we stay friends and I get super hot and get to throw it in his face. Because I’m a rational woman that is in no way petty.
My Easter has been great! I celebrated the end of Lent (Sweets 'N Jobs was a success!) by having a Deep Chocolate VitaTop with a tbsp of White Chocolate Wonderful PB&Co peanut butter on top. It was so good! Though The Bees Knees is still the best PB&Co flavor by far, in my opinion. It makes my heart sing.
I also had my Chocolate Peppermint Stick Luna Bar. SO. GOOD. I'm obsessed with mint and chocolate combinations and this did not disappoint. I especially liked the little red peppermint flecks in the iced part on the bottom. So festive and delicious. I can easily see myself keeping a kitchen stocked with Lemon Zest and Chocolate Peppermint Luna Bars. I'm in love.
Talked to my parents today too. They come home a week from today. I will spend this week mentally and emotionally preparing for their return.
AND I finally made spaghetti squash! It was so much easier than I thought. I'm about to make some ground turkey and mix it in with the squash and maybe throw in some marinara sauce. Should be delish!
Below is the story of that EHarmony Guy. Third time was not so much the charm in this case, but that's okay. My subscription ends on April 14th and I'll be content with that. For now!
Oh, before I get to the story, I have to tell you that I got myself to the track today! 3 miles with intervals of running and walking. I did 2 running laps, then alternated walking and running laps until I got to 3 miles, or 12 laps. Good times! And it was nice and sunny out so I think I got a little color, so my skin isn't quite the lovely shade of transparent that it was before.
So, here's the boring and fairly uneventful yet character building story of Sam:
We had been talking all week (gchat) and it was so fun and he made me laugh and I was really comfortable with him, and we clicked. We went out for a drink and dinner this past Wednesday. We had a good time, I think, but it ended with him awkwardly saying, “So, I guess…I’ll be, uh, chatting with you tomorrow!” or something like that. As he turned to walk to his car he had a look on his face that…I don’t know how to describe it, but I think I knew he wasn’t interested. It wasn’t so much a “thank god that’s over” look, but it was something like it.
I was sort of sad. I liked him enough that I wanted to hang out more. There were things about him that I didn’t like, too, but I was willing to overlook them because he made me laugh and was adorable when he smiled. Like he’s kind of a tough guy but then his face softens when he genuinely smiles, it was so cute.
Thursday, the next day, we didn’t talk at all. So I pretty much knew. I wanted him to talk to me first, though. And…he didn’t. So Friday morning I got impatient and reached out to him, we had an awkward small-talk conversation that was NOT at all like our usual stuff. So I went out to lunch, and left him with this message: “so…I'm going outside for lunch. Should be epic. Anyway, if you get bored anytime soon and want to hang out, give me a call, I'd be up for it. If you're not, no worries. I don't want to bug you if wednesday was it for you - I've been on the other side and it's…a weird dynamic. You can let me know either way, it’s cool I promise :-)”
I gave him the option of going out easy, giving me the obvious answer and not having to say it while I was there – but he waited until I got back. Which, is actually nice, I think? Anyway, he said he wasn’t interested in a relationship. He actually said relationship, which I thought was funny considering I only said “if you want to hang out again” but I suppose that’s where it ultimately would have gone anyway.
But he surprised me by saying that he really liked me, that I was fun and great and he would never say no to a new friend; he liked talking to me. And the thing is, with him, I believe it. He’s honest and upfront, which made the whole “I don’t like you like that” much easier, I think. He wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it. So he says “These conversations can be really awkward but I’m glad we’re cool” and then we went on chatting for the rest of the day like normal, it was right back to the witty banter kind of stuff we had been doing all week. Which made me really happy.
So, I don’t really know if and how long this “friendship” thing will last, but I actually hope it does. He’s really fun and we have so much in common, I can see him as a guy friend whose honest opinion I can rely on if I needed advice, and that’s rare. So that's that. All in all I think for "not working out" it worked out pretty well.
Am I disappointed there’s no romance? Sort of – maybe 25% disappointed that it’s not with him, and 75% disappointed in that another dating situation didn’t work out. I think if that’s the kind of rejection I’m dealing with, then I’m doing pretty well.
It doesn’t take a lot for me to think that I’m not good enough, but I don’t really feel that way this time. No one said anything about physical characteristics, and I’m jumping to conclusions by thinking that’s what his “problem” with me is, but…even if it is, I’m okay with it. Especially if we stay friends and I get super hot and get to throw it in his face. Because I’m a rational woman that is in no way petty.
24 March 2010
oops! part deux (and...welcome to my neurosis)
Okay, I'll give you one more hint about those "creative truths" - there are three facts/truths, and a sort of half-truth. So three and a half truths, and the rest are lies! MUAHAHAHAHA..hahaha...ha....guys? You still there?
I was SO sore yesterday from doing the Shred on Monday, especially my legs. I felt like I was maybe even limping a little! That's what I get for basically not exercising for three weeks! :-P
The good news is that I ate good things yesterday.
Breakfast:
*bread-free egg sandwich: We have one of those little egg cooker things that makes a nice little round egg, so I made 2 with egg subst. and put a piece of canadian bacon, most of a LCL wedge, and some ketchup in the middle. The egg was the bread! Good times.
Snack:
*Toasted Nuts 'n Cranberry Luna Bar
Lunch:
*salad: spinach, romaine lettuce, 1/4 cup feta cheese, 1/3 cup craisins, 1/3 cup chicken breast, 1 tbsp chia seeds.
Snack:
*1 serving of Wheat Thin Fiber Selects (in Garden Vegetable) crackers
*handful of Kashi Honey Sunshine cereal
Dinner:
*Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Masala meal
***
Okay, this is probably premature to be writing about - but there is this EH guy that's popped up recently, and we have been emailing and gchatting, and it is fun. I noticed that my stomach was getting that knotty feeling during/after talking to him...like in a good way.
Here's where I get nervous - in his questions to me (one of the last EH steps...such a weird process) one of the pre-made questions he opted to ask me was "During a typical week, what sort of physical activities do you enjoy?" and....that got me paranoid. I have two reasons for this:
1: Everytime I see a guy on EH describe themselves as "physically fit" or mentions anything about being "physically active", I immediately think "He's putting that out there because he wants someone that's thin/skinny/also physically fit" - it's a nice way of saying No Fat Chicks.
2: This other guy about a month or two ago went through the whole process with me only to tell me that I looked slender in some of my pictures and bigger in others - he went through the whole process to ask me if the "bigger" pictures were older and not really what I looked like - otherwise, bye. So now I'm really concerned that everyone thinks this. I put up full-body pictures of me to ensure that anyone who contacted me got the point that I was overweight (I sort of hint that I'm working on it though, in my profile) and I don't want to be one of those people that misrepresents themselves. I already have the "dealbreaker" of living at home still - yes, a perceived dealbreaker, to me - and now I might have to add that "Images may be bigger than they appear" to it?!
So now there's this guy that I actually might like, and we totally click when we're talking I might sound really neurotic, but...I'm already assuming it won't work out. He won't like me because I'm overweight. I've spent my whole life experiencing "Guys that I like never like me back" and I've never known anything different. I know it's a whole other can ofraging self-esteem issues worms, I guess I just need to get this out there.
He invited me to hang out tonight but I said I had other plans. In my head I'm like "How long can I put off meeting him so I have time to lose as much weight as I can??!" and then the rational part of me says "That's a terrible idea". And then my crazy side doesn't respond because it's too busy drooling and gnawing on a doorknob.
I was SO sore yesterday from doing the Shred on Monday, especially my legs. I felt like I was maybe even limping a little! That's what I get for basically not exercising for three weeks! :-P
The good news is that I ate good things yesterday.
Breakfast:
*bread-free egg sandwich: We have one of those little egg cooker things that makes a nice little round egg, so I made 2 with egg subst. and put a piece of canadian bacon, most of a LCL wedge, and some ketchup in the middle. The egg was the bread! Good times.
Snack:
*Toasted Nuts 'n Cranberry Luna Bar
Lunch:
*salad: spinach, romaine lettuce, 1/4 cup feta cheese, 1/3 cup craisins, 1/3 cup chicken breast, 1 tbsp chia seeds.
Snack:
*1 serving of Wheat Thin Fiber Selects (in Garden Vegetable) crackers
*handful of Kashi Honey Sunshine cereal
Dinner:
*Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Masala meal
***
Okay, this is probably premature to be writing about - but there is this EH guy that's popped up recently, and we have been emailing and gchatting, and it is fun. I noticed that my stomach was getting that knotty feeling during/after talking to him...like in a good way.
Here's where I get nervous - in his questions to me (one of the last EH steps...such a weird process) one of the pre-made questions he opted to ask me was "During a typical week, what sort of physical activities do you enjoy?" and....that got me paranoid. I have two reasons for this:
1: Everytime I see a guy on EH describe themselves as "physically fit" or mentions anything about being "physically active", I immediately think "He's putting that out there because he wants someone that's thin/skinny/also physically fit" - it's a nice way of saying No Fat Chicks.
2: This other guy about a month or two ago went through the whole process with me only to tell me that I looked slender in some of my pictures and bigger in others - he went through the whole process to ask me if the "bigger" pictures were older and not really what I looked like - otherwise, bye. So now I'm really concerned that everyone thinks this. I put up full-body pictures of me to ensure that anyone who contacted me got the point that I was overweight (I sort of hint that I'm working on it though, in my profile) and I don't want to be one of those people that misrepresents themselves. I already have the "dealbreaker" of living at home still - yes, a perceived dealbreaker, to me - and now I might have to add that "Images may be bigger than they appear" to it?!
So now there's this guy that I actually might like, and we totally click when we're talking I might sound really neurotic, but...I'm already assuming it won't work out. He won't like me because I'm overweight. I've spent my whole life experiencing "Guys that I like never like me back" and I've never known anything different. I know it's a whole other can of
He invited me to hang out tonight but I said I had other plans. In my head I'm like "How long can I put off meeting him so I have time to lose as much weight as I can??!" and then the rational part of me says "That's a terrible idea". And then my crazy side doesn't respond because it's too busy drooling and gnawing on a doorknob.
14 March 2010
I'm here, I'm here!
I haven't fallen off any wagons, friends. Promises. I just...haven't felt inspired to post. I've been eating great but I don't really have much else to say. I'm lacking inspiration and feeling tired. I probably need to start exercising again, I bet that's a solution, she says as she puts her pajamas back on and scrolls through On Demand to see what movies are available...
I haven't been doing much. Yesterday afternoon, I did some grocery shopping. It was a dreary day and I looked like a college kid:
And I wore these shoes with it:
Got some good food. Frozen and fresh fruits and veggies, new bread (thanks for your input!), more greek yogurt, VitaTops, a couple of Lean Cuisine frozen meals, and some unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk - which tastes realllllly good with a scoop of my Amazing Grass Chocolate GreenSuperFood mix!
Since I did the shopping it's been nice to incorporate veggies and fruits back into my eating. I didn't have a lot to work with before!
Let's see...anything else? EHarmony updates...I'm "communicating" with a couple of guys. I got to the point of texting with this other guy last week, but...I just wasn't feeling it, I knew it wouldn't happen and just let that one go. I'm honestly kind of looking forward to when my 3 months is up so I don't have to go through it anymore...I'm not throwing in the towel just yet but...I think it'll be relieving to be done with it. Defeatest attitude, much?! The weather is killing me!
Yeah, I definitely need a pick-me-up. I haven't seen any friends since last Tuesday...nor have I been anywhere other than work-home-work-home, rinse and repeat! Oh man, I am complaining too much. Sorry, guys!
We'll end on the good stuff - the eating! I won't list all my eats for the last couple of days, but some of them were pretty tasty and worth sharing!
For breakfast, the last few days I've been eating the same PB&J Yoatgurt (thanks Janetha!) every morning and it is scrumdiddlyumptious every time. Agh I love it so much.
For lunch yesterday I had a sandwich: honey bran country bread (thanks Trader Joe’s!!) with turkey breast, mustard and romaine lettuce and 15 wheat thins fiber garden veggie crackers (couldn’t find my garlic & herb all-bran! These were good too though)
For dinner on Friday I had Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Masala with a piece of tandoori naan. Sooo goooood.
I haven't been doing much. Yesterday afternoon, I did some grocery shopping. It was a dreary day and I looked like a college kid:
I felt cute for some reason. I guess because I haven't worn those jeans in two years and I *love* that hat.
And I wore these shoes with it:
I love little splashes of color like that. Thanks, Target, for making fun and cute and cheap flats.
Got some good food. Frozen and fresh fruits and veggies, new bread (thanks for your input!), more greek yogurt, VitaTops, a couple of Lean Cuisine frozen meals, and some unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk - which tastes realllllly good with a scoop of my Amazing Grass Chocolate GreenSuperFood mix!
Since I did the shopping it's been nice to incorporate veggies and fruits back into my eating. I didn't have a lot to work with before!
Let's see...anything else? EHarmony updates...I'm "communicating" with a couple of guys. I got to the point of texting with this other guy last week, but...I just wasn't feeling it, I knew it wouldn't happen and just let that one go. I'm honestly kind of looking forward to when my 3 months is up so I don't have to go through it anymore...I'm not throwing in the towel just yet but...I think it'll be relieving to be done with it. Defeatest attitude, much?! The weather is killing me!
Yeah, I definitely need a pick-me-up. I haven't seen any friends since last Tuesday...nor have I been anywhere other than work-home-work-home, rinse and repeat! Oh man, I am complaining too much. Sorry, guys!
We'll end on the good stuff - the eating! I won't list all my eats for the last couple of days, but some of them were pretty tasty and worth sharing!
For breakfast, the last few days I've been eating the same PB&J Yoatgurt (thanks Janetha!) every morning and it is scrumdiddlyumptious every time. Agh I love it so much.
For lunch yesterday I had a sandwich: honey bran country bread (thanks Trader Joe’s!!) with turkey breast, mustard and romaine lettuce and 15 wheat thins fiber garden veggie crackers (couldn’t find my garlic & herb all-bran! These were good too though)
For dinner on Friday I had Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Masala with a piece of tandoori naan. Sooo goooood.
28 February 2010
Cracked Rear Food (Oh, 1990s Hootie. I miss you sometimes)
No time to fool around, kids! I have some work to get to before I aim for an early bed time. (I totally know how to party. Totes McGotes.)
Oh, but I guess I’ll tell you about EH: The Sequel. We went to a create-your-own stir fry place that’s located sort of in between our two areas. The food was okay. The date was okay.
It was definitely better than the first one, that’s for sure. There were a few awkward silences, like we didn’t have transitions or segues into new topics sometimes. After lunch we just walked around for a while. I think our wit matches up fairly well. I’m still not sure if I’m attracted to him yet.
I’m definitely more willing to talk to him further, maybe see him again.
When you date, or when you dated, is/was the physical attraction there right away? Did it build over time?
The guys I’ve liked in the past that I didn’t immediately have an attraction for, it built over time as I spent more time around them, since we moved in the same circles. It wasn’t like EHarmony, where you’re specifically meeting with the pretense of starting a relationship. That’s one thing I don’t like about EHarmony. I don’t think I’m good at going on dates, and that’s the only opportunity you really have to see someone in EH’s case. I suppose it's entirely possible that I'm not cut out for EHarmony, but I'm still going to keep trying through my three months.
I’m probably overthinking it. I guess we’ll just see what happens from here!
Breakfast:
*Oikos 0% with Honey, with ¾ cup Kashi Honey Sunshine mixed in
*cup of pinapple chunks (big chunks, maybe like 6 or so)
Snack:
*tandoori naan with roasted red pepper hummus
*cup of mint green tea
Lunch:
As I mentioned, we went to a create-your-own stir fry place. It was okay, my sauce was REALLY salty, which was unfortunate. But overall not bad and definitely not calorie heavy. The best part is that their website has a “build your bowl” tool and it simultaneously calculates the calories.
Mine was: chicken, water chestnuts, spinach, baby corn, peppers, and bean sprouts, with an asian black bean sauce. Even with two servings of the sauce AND chicken (which I’m not sure I used, I’m just overestimating in case) it comes to like 350 calories. Totally fits into my day.
Dinner:
*10 black olives
*6 bread and butter pickle chips
*spoonful of The Bees Knees PB&Co
*1/2 cup cottage cheese
*small wedge of brie
Holy WTF, Batman. Such a random dinner. But I went on the “What would taste good right now?” meal plan, and I just took reasonable portions of each :-P This dinner does basically make up almost all of my favorite foods.
Oh, but I guess I’ll tell you about EH: The Sequel. We went to a create-your-own stir fry place that’s located sort of in between our two areas. The food was okay. The date was okay.
It was definitely better than the first one, that’s for sure. There were a few awkward silences, like we didn’t have transitions or segues into new topics sometimes. After lunch we just walked around for a while. I think our wit matches up fairly well. I’m still not sure if I’m attracted to him yet.
I’m definitely more willing to talk to him further, maybe see him again.
When you date, or when you dated, is/was the physical attraction there right away? Did it build over time?
The guys I’ve liked in the past that I didn’t immediately have an attraction for, it built over time as I spent more time around them, since we moved in the same circles. It wasn’t like EHarmony, where you’re specifically meeting with the pretense of starting a relationship. That’s one thing I don’t like about EHarmony. I don’t think I’m good at going on dates, and that’s the only opportunity you really have to see someone in EH’s case. I suppose it's entirely possible that I'm not cut out for EHarmony, but I'm still going to keep trying through my three months.
I’m probably overthinking it. I guess we’ll just see what happens from here!
Breakfast:
*Oikos 0% with Honey, with ¾ cup Kashi Honey Sunshine mixed in
*cup of pinapple chunks (big chunks, maybe like 6 or so)
Snack:
*tandoori naan with roasted red pepper hummus
*cup of mint green tea
Lunch:
As I mentioned, we went to a create-your-own stir fry place. It was okay, my sauce was REALLY salty, which was unfortunate. But overall not bad and definitely not calorie heavy. The best part is that their website has a “build your bowl” tool and it simultaneously calculates the calories.
Mine was: chicken, water chestnuts, spinach, baby corn, peppers, and bean sprouts, with an asian black bean sauce. Even with two servings of the sauce AND chicken (which I’m not sure I used, I’m just overestimating in case) it comes to like 350 calories. Totally fits into my day.
Dinner:
*10 black olives
*6 bread and butter pickle chips
*spoonful of The Bees Knees PB&Co
*1/2 cup cottage cheese
*small wedge of brie
Holy WTF, Batman. Such a random dinner. But I went on the “What would taste good right now?” meal plan, and I just took reasonable portions of each :-P This dinner does basically make up almost all of my favorite foods.
22 February 2010
Any Weigh You Want It
This morning Taylor says:
220.4
Same as last week! To be honest with you, my initial reaction is frustration, but I think considering I ate my weight in peanut butter puffins this weekend, it’s okay. I’m going to accept my maintain.
(Sarah, re: your comment, I am NOT buying any more of these after this box is done...there's maybe 1/4 of the box left now and that's after having it for two days! Haha, it's not good. These are a total danger zone. I wonder if I could rig up a system like in greeting cards where everytime I open the pb puffins box it plays Highway To The Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins.)
In other news, my sad little giveaway ended, and KatDoesDiets is the winner! Hooray!
In other other news, I made it through all the stages with another EHarmony Guy. EHarmony Guy 2, I guess. EHarmony Guy: The Squeakuel. EHarmony Guy: The Empire Strikes Back. Anyway, he’s actually one of the guys I initiated contact with, so that’s cool I guess. We’re meeting next Sunday afternoon. We’ll see what happens!
*Speaking of Highway To The Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins, I had that as my ringtone for about a year...do you know how many smiles and laughs and compliments I got on it?! Haha, seriously, if random people heard my phone ring they'd come up to me and be like "That's. Awesome." People love them some Top Gun.
220.4
Same as last week! To be honest with you, my initial reaction is frustration, but I think considering I ate my weight in peanut butter puffins this weekend, it’s okay. I’m going to accept my maintain.
(Sarah, re: your comment, I am NOT buying any more of these after this box is done...there's maybe 1/4 of the box left now and that's after having it for two days! Haha, it's not good. These are a total danger zone. I wonder if I could rig up a system like in greeting cards where everytime I open the pb puffins box it plays Highway To The Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins.)
In other news, my sad little giveaway ended, and KatDoesDiets is the winner! Hooray!
In other other news, I made it through all the stages with another EHarmony Guy. EHarmony Guy 2, I guess. EHarmony Guy: The Squeakuel. EHarmony Guy: The Empire Strikes Back. Anyway, he’s actually one of the guys I initiated contact with, so that’s cool I guess. We’re meeting next Sunday afternoon. We’ll see what happens!
*Speaking of Highway To The Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins, I had that as my ringtone for about a year...do you know how many smiles and laughs and compliments I got on it?! Haha, seriously, if random people heard my phone ring they'd come up to me and be like "That's. Awesome." People love them some Top Gun.
13 February 2010
The thing I come away with most after writing this post is...the heirarchy of communication technology is weird.
“Morning! Just wanted to let you know I had a great time last night and would like to do it again. You?”
So I had my first date via EHarmony last night. I think he was actually the first person on EHarmony to reach out and contact me. Throughout this whole deal I want to keep an open mind (as much as possible) and so we had been emailing for a while and then “progressed” to texting, and then he asked me to dinner. I accepted.
(The post title: You move from email, to texting, to calling, to seeing each other in person...such a funny thing how that works)
Previous to meeting him, I didn’t really feel…anything. There wasn’t anything about him that engaged me – the way he looked, or anything in our discussions via text and email. I mean he doesn’t have to be Brad Pitt or be able to talk the pants off of me, but I need and want something to click. But again, I stayed connected because I 1) wanted to give it a chance for the sake of giving something a chance and 2) make sure I wasn’t turning down an opportunity because I was afraid or scared. You never know…
So we meet for dinner…the lack of feelings continued. He was nice. And I hate saying he was nice, because that seems so condescending to say. I could tell the things he was laughing at weren’t really the things I found funny (a matching sense of humor is pretty much THE biggest thing that can make or break someone for me) and so, I went along with it. We had conversations and talked about various things and asked each other questions and it was a polite first date.
I’m happy I did it. The problem, now, is obviously what to do next. You see the opening line – a text he just sent me – I don’t want to see him again. Not said (typed) in a malicious way, just…there’s nothing there for me. I guess I have to be a grown up and tell him that.
***TANGENT! You love them, you missed them, my tangents. Anyway (a tangent within a tangent, and parenthetical thoughts!? This post couldn’t get any better or more self-indulgent) my tangent is this: anyone who reads this section of the InterTubes knows that I have issues with myself. I don’t like a lot of things about me – I think I can be immature, bratty and spoiled and expect things to be given to me without a lot of work in return. It’s ugly and I don’t like it. And I know these are things I need to change***
Maybe my experience with EHarmony is about more than just finding a date. It’s about growing up a little, making the hard decisions, doing the thing that isn’t the easiest. If I do what my head is telling me, it’s to run away and ignore him and hope he gets the picture. But…I don’t want to do that this time. I’ll have to figure out something to say to him soon to tell him thanks but no thanks.
One other thing – I hope all of this isn’t coming off like I think I’m the first person to think these thoughts. I hate when I read things and I’m like “No Shit, Sherlock”, because it’s one of my favorite phrases of all time, but also because…it’s annoying when people thing they’re handing down gospel but really, at best they’re making an observation we all have a million times over.
I think that was kind of a run-on paragraph but I hope you catch my drift. I’m not the first and only person to go through this, but it’s a first for me.
(In other news: my eating was ON. POINT. yesterday. And I’ve been doing the Wii Fit more often. I’ve been stumbling a lot too – hello, Burger King, and may I say, ew – but I feel like things are headed in the right direction in a lot of ways too)
So I had my first date via EHarmony last night. I think he was actually the first person on EHarmony to reach out and contact me. Throughout this whole deal I want to keep an open mind (as much as possible) and so we had been emailing for a while and then “progressed” to texting, and then he asked me to dinner. I accepted.
(The post title: You move from email, to texting, to calling, to seeing each other in person...such a funny thing how that works)
Previous to meeting him, I didn’t really feel…anything. There wasn’t anything about him that engaged me – the way he looked, or anything in our discussions via text and email. I mean he doesn’t have to be Brad Pitt or be able to talk the pants off of me, but I need and want something to click. But again, I stayed connected because I 1) wanted to give it a chance for the sake of giving something a chance and 2) make sure I wasn’t turning down an opportunity because I was afraid or scared. You never know…
So we meet for dinner…the lack of feelings continued. He was nice. And I hate saying he was nice, because that seems so condescending to say. I could tell the things he was laughing at weren’t really the things I found funny (a matching sense of humor is pretty much THE biggest thing that can make or break someone for me) and so, I went along with it. We had conversations and talked about various things and asked each other questions and it was a polite first date.
I’m happy I did it. The problem, now, is obviously what to do next. You see the opening line – a text he just sent me – I don’t want to see him again. Not said (typed) in a malicious way, just…there’s nothing there for me. I guess I have to be a grown up and tell him that.
***TANGENT! You love them, you missed them, my tangents. Anyway (a tangent within a tangent, and parenthetical thoughts!? This post couldn’t get any better or more self-indulgent) my tangent is this: anyone who reads this section of the InterTubes knows that I have issues with myself. I don’t like a lot of things about me – I think I can be immature, bratty and spoiled and expect things to be given to me without a lot of work in return. It’s ugly and I don’t like it. And I know these are things I need to change***
Maybe my experience with EHarmony is about more than just finding a date. It’s about growing up a little, making the hard decisions, doing the thing that isn’t the easiest. If I do what my head is telling me, it’s to run away and ignore him and hope he gets the picture. But…I don’t want to do that this time. I’ll have to figure out something to say to him soon to tell him thanks but no thanks.
One other thing – I hope all of this isn’t coming off like I think I’m the first person to think these thoughts. I hate when I read things and I’m like “No Shit, Sherlock”, because it’s one of my favorite phrases of all time, but also because…it’s annoying when people thing they’re handing down gospel but really, at best they’re making an observation we all have a million times over.
I think that was kind of a run-on paragraph but I hope you catch my drift. I’m not the first and only person to go through this, but it’s a first for me.
(In other news: my eating was ON. POINT. yesterday. And I’ve been doing the Wii Fit more often. I’ve been stumbling a lot too – hello, Burger King, and may I say, ew – but I feel like things are headed in the right direction in a lot of ways too)
08 February 2010
Weigh I Am
224! That's down from last week, HOLLER!
Other updates:
*May be making a real life, actual EHarmony date soon. Totally nervous. I'm still expecting to show up and be stood up. The whole "he looks in the window and sees me sitting there, and then bolts" scenario. I really need some self esteem.
*No work today, and I still can't go anywhere because of the snow. I tried this morning - barely got down the road, and turned around and came back home. It's still really bad out there. Having a Corolla doesn' help. I love my baby and I don't want her out in this nonsense.
*It's a real challenge to keep myself from sitting inside and eating all day. Normally if I'm awake in the early hours, it's because I have work - but now I don't and I'm not sleepy...so my instinct is to eat. From boredom. Or to bake and THEN eat, also from boredom. Yikes. This is going to be a tough week for me. Oh, plus, being anxious about the potential EHarmony date also makes me want to eat. Ugh.
*I talked to The Matriarch (from The Family, if you remember) the other day during the snowstorm. It wasn't 4 minutes into the conversation when she asked me if I was still going to the gym. I told her I was, but not as often. And then she launched into talking about the Wii Fit and all that. It...irritated me to no end. I had a dream about this same kind of scenario the other day, but it was real life this time. I just wanted to say to her:
"The FIRST thing you bring up with me is always food and or exercising. Always. It's always about the weight - with me, with you, with somebody. Are you physically capable about talking about other things, at the very least to make me feel like you love me for reasons OTHER than how much I weigh?!"
I know a large part of my annoyance was because I'm not happy with where I am in my "journey", and I don't want someone making me confront it. On the other hand, when she was here back in September, she did the same thing - asking me about my gym habits and what I was doing, and how I was "making her feel bad" for all the work I was doing...I still hated it, and I was doing really well. AGHHH!!! It just makes me so mad. It makes me want to not talk to her, and that makes me sad.
Eh...I didn't want to end on a sad/irritated note, because now I have myself all riled up again over it. I'm gonna go try and find something to do that doesn't involve me eating myself out of house and home.
Other updates:
*May be making a real life, actual EHarmony date soon. Totally nervous. I'm still expecting to show up and be stood up. The whole "he looks in the window and sees me sitting there, and then bolts" scenario. I really need some self esteem.
*No work today, and I still can't go anywhere because of the snow. I tried this morning - barely got down the road, and turned around and came back home. It's still really bad out there. Having a Corolla doesn' help. I love my baby and I don't want her out in this nonsense.
*It's a real challenge to keep myself from sitting inside and eating all day. Normally if I'm awake in the early hours, it's because I have work - but now I don't and I'm not sleepy...so my instinct is to eat. From boredom. Or to bake and THEN eat, also from boredom. Yikes. This is going to be a tough week for me. Oh, plus, being anxious about the potential EHarmony date also makes me want to eat. Ugh.
*I talked to The Matriarch (from The Family, if you remember) the other day during the snowstorm. It wasn't 4 minutes into the conversation when she asked me if I was still going to the gym. I told her I was, but not as often. And then she launched into talking about the Wii Fit and all that. It...irritated me to no end. I had a dream about this same kind of scenario the other day, but it was real life this time. I just wanted to say to her:
"The FIRST thing you bring up with me is always food and or exercising. Always. It's always about the weight - with me, with you, with somebody. Are you physically capable about talking about other things, at the very least to make me feel like you love me for reasons OTHER than how much I weigh?!"
I know a large part of my annoyance was because I'm not happy with where I am in my "journey", and I don't want someone making me confront it. On the other hand, when she was here back in September, she did the same thing - asking me about my gym habits and what I was doing, and how I was "making her feel bad" for all the work I was doing...I still hated it, and I was doing really well. AGHHH!!! It just makes me so mad. It makes me want to not talk to her, and that makes me sad.
Eh...I didn't want to end on a sad/irritated note, because now I have myself all riled up again over it. I'm gonna go try and find something to do that doesn't involve me eating myself out of house and home.
01 February 2010
YEESH
Hi again. I'm so sorry it's been an entire week. I'm writing this in the morning as I'm getting ready for work - I'm thinking this temp job is going to last a few more weeks, which is good. So anyway, I'm gonna get down to business.
My weight this week is: 225.8. Good in that I maintained, bad in that it's my starting/ending weight for the month, and this is the first time I haven't met (and obliterated) my goal. So that's sad, because honestly I feel like I'm out of control. Things aren't awful but I don't feel myself getting better, either.
I do really well in the mornings and afternoons. My breakfast and lunch and snacks are healthy. And then I get home after work and I don't care anymore. And forget about the weekends.
And no exercise, either. Other than the 4 flights of stairs I have to climb up to get to my car in the Metro parking garage.
I hate that I'm sliding backwards. And that I can't stop myself from buying horrid food at the grocery store. It honestly feels like I'm punishing myself; like I'm aware of it but I still can't stop it. Man, if I could afford therapy you know where I'd be right now.
And that's it, really - there are two things I'm realizing. One, I just mentioned. I probably need to be in therapy. Did I tell you already that I did that once? In 2008, for about 6 months - as a student, my school allows you something like 12 sessions for free, so I went. It was one of the best things I've ever done for myself.
The other thing is that I REALLY need to move out of my house. I feel like it's crushing me. It's crushing who I want to be. I understand that moving out is somewhat of a "quick fix", hence the need for therapy, but it absolutely has to happen. I'm still applying for jobs, and haven't gotten any call-backs in a while, but I'm working on it. Moving out NEEDS to happen.
So I guess I'm realizing I'm not in a good place right now, emotionally that is. Maybe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Maybe I have real depression. Maybe some weird gray area between the two. Or maybe I'm just feeling poorly because I'm eating poorly. Regardless, it's not good any way you cut it.
But let's focus on the positives, shall we?
1- I've been working. Money is always good. I don't think this will turn into a permanent position, but I'm hoping I can still network and make some contacts along the way.
2 - My morning and afternoon eating have been good. I've been packing myself good stuff again. Arnold's thin, greek yogurt, string cheese, V8, Progresso soup(! Yeah, I have like 4 reviews to do. They're tasty and they're forthcoming, I promise) and water. I'm in dire need of fruits and vegetables, though. I haven't bought any in a while. (That's probably why I've been sick with a flu/cold for a week...ugh)
3 - EHarmony: Haven't been on an actual date yet, but there are some potential suitors. No one has popped on the screen yet, but all in good time. I've done some pursuing that hasn't really worked out, and people are pursuing me. So there are things happening but nothing's really happening yet. Ha :-P
*****
I'm sorry for the all-business-no-silliness post. I miss you guys, I really do. There has been so much going on and I've been avoiding this blog world. I see people losing weight and exercising and leaving me in the dust. It doesn't make a girl feel good. But I know it's my own doing. Sigh.
The crazy thing is, despite the fact that I have my first "red" monthly goal over there, I don't feel too bad about staying at the same weight. I went up a week or two, and I'd love it if I could go back down.
It's hard to know when you're sensationalizing everything, and when you really need to address serious problems, you know? I tend to exaggerate and blow things out of proportion - and I want to hold myself accountable while also being nice to myself. Is such a thing possible?
(Also, apologies for the broken-stream-of-consciousness-writing, and probable spelling errors - I got up at 5am today. Ew.)
My weight this week is: 225.8. Good in that I maintained, bad in that it's my starting/ending weight for the month, and this is the first time I haven't met (and obliterated) my goal. So that's sad, because honestly I feel like I'm out of control. Things aren't awful but I don't feel myself getting better, either.
I do really well in the mornings and afternoons. My breakfast and lunch and snacks are healthy. And then I get home after work and I don't care anymore. And forget about the weekends.
And no exercise, either. Other than the 4 flights of stairs I have to climb up to get to my car in the Metro parking garage.
I hate that I'm sliding backwards. And that I can't stop myself from buying horrid food at the grocery store. It honestly feels like I'm punishing myself; like I'm aware of it but I still can't stop it. Man, if I could afford therapy you know where I'd be right now.
And that's it, really - there are two things I'm realizing. One, I just mentioned. I probably need to be in therapy. Did I tell you already that I did that once? In 2008, for about 6 months - as a student, my school allows you something like 12 sessions for free, so I went. It was one of the best things I've ever done for myself.
The other thing is that I REALLY need to move out of my house. I feel like it's crushing me. It's crushing who I want to be. I understand that moving out is somewhat of a "quick fix", hence the need for therapy, but it absolutely has to happen. I'm still applying for jobs, and haven't gotten any call-backs in a while, but I'm working on it. Moving out NEEDS to happen.
So I guess I'm realizing I'm not in a good place right now, emotionally that is. Maybe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Maybe I have real depression. Maybe some weird gray area between the two. Or maybe I'm just feeling poorly because I'm eating poorly. Regardless, it's not good any way you cut it.
But let's focus on the positives, shall we?
1- I've been working. Money is always good. I don't think this will turn into a permanent position, but I'm hoping I can still network and make some contacts along the way.
2 - My morning and afternoon eating have been good. I've been packing myself good stuff again. Arnold's thin, greek yogurt, string cheese, V8, Progresso soup(! Yeah, I have like 4 reviews to do. They're tasty and they're forthcoming, I promise) and water. I'm in dire need of fruits and vegetables, though. I haven't bought any in a while. (That's probably why I've been sick with a flu/cold for a week...ugh)
3 - EHarmony: Haven't been on an actual date yet, but there are some potential suitors. No one has popped on the screen yet, but all in good time. I've done some pursuing that hasn't really worked out, and people are pursuing me. So there are things happening but nothing's really happening yet. Ha :-P
*****
I'm sorry for the all-business-no-silliness post. I miss you guys, I really do. There has been so much going on and I've been avoiding this blog world. I see people losing weight and exercising and leaving me in the dust. It doesn't make a girl feel good. But I know it's my own doing. Sigh.
The crazy thing is, despite the fact that I have my first "red" monthly goal over there, I don't feel too bad about staying at the same weight. I went up a week or two, and I'd love it if I could go back down.
It's hard to know when you're sensationalizing everything, and when you really need to address serious problems, you know? I tend to exaggerate and blow things out of proportion - and I want to hold myself accountable while also being nice to myself. Is such a thing possible?
(Also, apologies for the broken-stream-of-consciousness-writing, and probable spelling errors - I got up at 5am today. Ew.)
16 January 2010
Two things
But first: So for this post title I was gonna try and find a good song with "Two" in the title (there are approximately 8 billion) so I searched "Two" in iTunes. Of course they give results for Two in the song, artist, album, etc. You know what song came up that I completely forgot about but totally love?? "Hoochie Mama" by 2 Live Crew. Remember that song?? "You ain't nothin' but a hoochie mama, HOOD RAT HOOD RAT HOOCHIE MA-MA". Haha, I sat here laughing at my computer for a solid 10 minutes. Good times.
Okay. On to the two things I was going to tell you.
One: EHarmony update. If you didn't see my Twitter feed on the side, I sent a message to a guy. This is a big deal for me and so far I seem to be handling it well. Maybe he won't write back, maybe he will and turn me down, who knows. But right now what's important is that I took that chance.
The other EH thing I did: I responded to a message from a guy that contacted me. Not only is it important to me to try putting myself out there, but I wanted to try giving someone a chance that I normally wouldn't. In the past, I haven't felt a connection with any of the guys that have shown interest in me. And yeah, either there really wasn't one or I wasn't willing to explore it. So I took a chance and responded to this guy. We'll see what happens with that.
So regardless of the outcomes of both of these moves, I'm happy that I did them at all.
Two: This is way overdue, but here's my pink $7.50 Target coat!
(it can close around me more but I usually just leave it open like that. and I am SO GLAD you guys backed me up on their weird sizing. Erg!)
(oh and I know I'm showing my face now and everything, but it's a lazy Saturday and my hair and face are totally gross. Just because I let you see who I am doesn't mean I'm not totally vein and need to be all done up to take a picture or video. Eeee!)
Okay. On to the two things I was going to tell you.
One: EHarmony update. If you didn't see my Twitter feed on the side, I sent a message to a guy. This is a big deal for me and so far I seem to be handling it well. Maybe he won't write back, maybe he will and turn me down, who knows. But right now what's important is that I took that chance.
The other EH thing I did: I responded to a message from a guy that contacted me. Not only is it important to me to try putting myself out there, but I wanted to try giving someone a chance that I normally wouldn't. In the past, I haven't felt a connection with any of the guys that have shown interest in me. And yeah, either there really wasn't one or I wasn't willing to explore it. So I took a chance and responded to this guy. We'll see what happens with that.
So regardless of the outcomes of both of these moves, I'm happy that I did them at all.
Two: This is way overdue, but here's my pink $7.50 Target coat!
(it can close around me more but I usually just leave it open like that. and I am SO GLAD you guys backed me up on their weird sizing. Erg!)
(oh and I know I'm showing my face now and everything, but it's a lazy Saturday and my hair and face are totally gross. Just because I let you see who I am doesn't mean I'm not totally vein and need to be all done up to take a picture or video. Eeee!)
14 January 2010
Connect Four
(Pretty Sneaky Sis!)
So, I ate really well today. I scored a temp gig and took a bunch of little snacks along with me. Throughout the morning and afternoon I had an arnold’s thin with almond butter, string cheese, turkey pepperoni, baby carrots, coffee, water, and garlic and herb all-bran crackers. When I got home I had a BIIIIIIG wrap, consisting of “Buffalo Style” chicken sausage, romaine lettuce, light ranch dressing, shredded carrots, and hot sauce wrapped in a tomato basil wrap.
(I know the tomato basil and the zingy-buffalo flavors don’t mix, but it actually tasted good – the wrap wasn’t at all basil-y so it was fine. Just so you don’t think I’m a total weirdo. Even though you think so anyway.)
Oh and I also had some veggie crunchers, maybe a little over a cup? And a Diet Coke.
So all in all, I ate healthfully. I made good choices.
But somehow, it doesn’t feel like it. I feel guilty, and there’s really no reason for it. Has anyone else experienced similar phantom guilt? It’s bonkers.
***
So I did it. I took the plunge. I signed up for 3 months of EHarmony. I’m terrified. My palms were literally sweaty after I did it and I felt my chest tighten. I’m so terrified of rejection – it’s not something I want to face. But I’m trying to do things outside of my comfort zone, in the name of change and evolution and what not. Maybe it will ultimately be good for me, in the long run.
Now the question is: Pursue or be pursued.
ComfortLaura says: Be Pursued! (After she finished screaming “RUN RUN RUN AWAY NOW GO HIDE IN YOUR VIDEO GAMES! LUIGI IS ALL THE MAN YOU’LL EVER NEED!”)
NewYearDynamoLaura says: Be Pursued!
Ha! See what I did there? Did you not read the part about me being terrified of rejection?
So stay tuned for EHarmony shenanigans.
***
My First Giveaway! (They Like Me! They Really Like Me! …no they don’t.)
So Progresso Soup is doing a Souper You Debut, an essay contest – the winner of which gets a really cool makeover trip/experience in NYC. You can read about it here: http://www.progressosoup.com/souperyou
In the next few weeks I’ll be trying some new flavors and telling you good lookin’ folk allll about ‘em. I already LURVE their French Onion flavor and a big fan of their Minestrone so I’m excited to try some new ones. I’ll be throwin’ some Progresso Knowledge your way soon.
Also in the next few weeks I get to giveaway a Progresso Prize Pack! It’s got soup, a mug, and a digital jump rope:
Sweetness. I’m gonna set that up soon – just as soon as I figure out how to do it. It’ll be in the next couple of weeks, I promise.
And because of some FTC guidelines I really don’t understand, I have to tell you that Progresso provided me with the soup, gift pack, information and the giveaway, basically everything. I provided the sass. That’s what I’m bringing to the table.
So in the meantime, you can go to http://www.progressosoup.com/souperyou and submit your essay for a chance to win a sweet trip to NYC. You can also print out some coupons! Why haven't you gone there yet?! .....wait, finish reading my post first (I'm important!) and then go.
My unofficial rule is that if you win that contest as a result of hearing about it from me, you have to bring me as your Plus One. (This Is A Joke. Repeat: I Don’t Mean This*)
***
Thanks ladies! 266 at 266, Becca at (Boston) Marathoner in Training and Kat at Low Fat Kat passed on this award to me! I have to share 7 things about myself and then pass it on to 7 bloggers.
7 things about me:
1. I am scared of mouthwash. I was at the dentist when I was about 5, before I was old enough to get the fluoride treatment thing – and they give you mouthwash instead. I swallowed some and then got violently ill. I’m still gun-shy about mouthwash to this day. I use it, because, I’m a freaking adult, but I hate it. I’m afraid of it.
2. I really want a Craigslist Missed Connection to be written about me. A friend of mine has had THREE about her. I want!
3. I was in band in high school, and we had our own superlatives. I was voted Coolest Sophomore, Coolest Junior, and in my senior year was voted Coolest Senior, Best Eyes and Most Fun to Be Around. It makes me laugh to wonder if such titles mean I’m the biggest geek in context with the rest of the world :-)
4. Until about a year and a half ago, I thought the phrase was “for all intensive purposes”. …it isn’t.
5. When I was 16, I was in love with a DC United player named Bobby Convey. He was exactly my age (same birthday down to the year) and living in the town over from me with the family of a friend of a friend of a friend. One of my best guy friends agreed to go on a date with this girl basically in order to get information on Bobby Convey’s whereabouts one Friday evening – at our high school rival’s soccer game. It was this huge ordeal, and so I went to the game with three of my friends. Sure enough, Bobby Convey showed up. I took one look at him and said “I want to go home”. I was terrified. My friend had to drag him over to us and carry the conversation as I stood there staring. I’ve never been good around guys OR famous people – this was a terrible combo. (I may or may not still carry a torch for him. Bobby, holler at me, forget about that EHarmony stuff I mentioned earlier, I was totally kidding)
6. I loathe tomatoes but I love ketchup and tomato soup.
7. I was the reason two of my dearest friends (the ones with the new condo!) got together. Six years ago we were having a big party, and they had been timidly flirting… So the night ends and we all passed out because…well, we were all shit-canned. So I was snoring, as I do and as one does when schwasted, and my guy friend was in the same room as me. He couldn’t take the snoring, and the next available room was that of his future girlfriend! That was the first night they got together, and the rest is history. They probably would have gotten together anyway, but I like to take credit, because that’s just the kind of Snoring Friend I am. I hope someone tells this story at their wedding, ‘cause it’s classy.
And I will pass it along to:
Jenny at Keep Me Accountable
Allison at Operation 365
Greta at Big Bottom Blogger
Doug at Beer and Cheese to the Beach (okay I know it's kind of a girly award, but honestly you can't get a better blog title. for realsies.)
Foodie Girl at For Me
Shannon/Chai at We Kin Get Thin
Kristina at Life Won't Weight
and I'm BREAKIN' THE RULES and doing another one because I really like her blog:
Kaitlin at Everyday Grace
(*I totally do mean it.)
So, I ate really well today. I scored a temp gig and took a bunch of little snacks along with me. Throughout the morning and afternoon I had an arnold’s thin with almond butter, string cheese, turkey pepperoni, baby carrots, coffee, water, and garlic and herb all-bran crackers. When I got home I had a BIIIIIIG wrap, consisting of “Buffalo Style” chicken sausage, romaine lettuce, light ranch dressing, shredded carrots, and hot sauce wrapped in a tomato basil wrap.
(I know the tomato basil and the zingy-buffalo flavors don’t mix, but it actually tasted good – the wrap wasn’t at all basil-y so it was fine. Just so you don’t think I’m a total weirdo. Even though you think so anyway.)
Oh and I also had some veggie crunchers, maybe a little over a cup? And a Diet Coke.
So all in all, I ate healthfully. I made good choices.
But somehow, it doesn’t feel like it. I feel guilty, and there’s really no reason for it. Has anyone else experienced similar phantom guilt? It’s bonkers.
***
So I did it. I took the plunge. I signed up for 3 months of EHarmony. I’m terrified. My palms were literally sweaty after I did it and I felt my chest tighten. I’m so terrified of rejection – it’s not something I want to face. But I’m trying to do things outside of my comfort zone, in the name of change and evolution and what not. Maybe it will ultimately be good for me, in the long run.
Now the question is: Pursue or be pursued.
ComfortLaura says: Be Pursued! (After she finished screaming “RUN RUN RUN AWAY NOW GO HIDE IN YOUR VIDEO GAMES! LUIGI IS ALL THE MAN YOU’LL EVER NEED!”)
NewYearDynamoLaura says: Be Pursued!
Ha! See what I did there? Did you not read the part about me being terrified of rejection?
So stay tuned for EHarmony shenanigans.
***
My First Giveaway! (They Like Me! They Really Like Me! …no they don’t.)
So Progresso Soup is doing a Souper You Debut, an essay contest – the winner of which gets a really cool makeover trip/experience in NYC. You can read about it here: http://www.progressosoup.com/souperyou
In the next few weeks I’ll be trying some new flavors and telling you good lookin’ folk allll about ‘em. I already LURVE their French Onion flavor and a big fan of their Minestrone so I’m excited to try some new ones. I’ll be throwin’ some Progresso Knowledge your way soon.
Also in the next few weeks I get to giveaway a Progresso Prize Pack! It’s got soup, a mug, and a digital jump rope:
Sweetness. I’m gonna set that up soon – just as soon as I figure out how to do it. It’ll be in the next couple of weeks, I promise.
And because of some FTC guidelines I really don’t understand, I have to tell you that Progresso provided me with the soup, gift pack, information and the giveaway, basically everything. I provided the sass. That’s what I’m bringing to the table.
So in the meantime, you can go to http://www.progressosoup.com/souperyou and submit your essay for a chance to win a sweet trip to NYC. You can also print out some coupons! Why haven't you gone there yet?! .....wait, finish reading my post first (I'm important!) and then go.
My unofficial rule is that if you win that contest as a result of hearing about it from me, you have to bring me as your Plus One. (This Is A Joke. Repeat: I Don’t Mean This*)
***
Thanks ladies! 266 at 266, Becca at (Boston) Marathoner in Training and Kat at Low Fat Kat passed on this award to me! I have to share 7 things about myself and then pass it on to 7 bloggers.
7 things about me:
1. I am scared of mouthwash. I was at the dentist when I was about 5, before I was old enough to get the fluoride treatment thing – and they give you mouthwash instead. I swallowed some and then got violently ill. I’m still gun-shy about mouthwash to this day. I use it, because, I’m a freaking adult, but I hate it. I’m afraid of it.
2. I really want a Craigslist Missed Connection to be written about me. A friend of mine has had THREE about her. I want!
3. I was in band in high school, and we had our own superlatives. I was voted Coolest Sophomore, Coolest Junior, and in my senior year was voted Coolest Senior, Best Eyes and Most Fun to Be Around. It makes me laugh to wonder if such titles mean I’m the biggest geek in context with the rest of the world :-)
4. Until about a year and a half ago, I thought the phrase was “for all intensive purposes”. …it isn’t.
5. When I was 16, I was in love with a DC United player named Bobby Convey. He was exactly my age (same birthday down to the year) and living in the town over from me with the family of a friend of a friend of a friend. One of my best guy friends agreed to go on a date with this girl basically in order to get information on Bobby Convey’s whereabouts one Friday evening – at our high school rival’s soccer game. It was this huge ordeal, and so I went to the game with three of my friends. Sure enough, Bobby Convey showed up. I took one look at him and said “I want to go home”. I was terrified. My friend had to drag him over to us and carry the conversation as I stood there staring. I’ve never been good around guys OR famous people – this was a terrible combo. (I may or may not still carry a torch for him. Bobby, holler at me, forget about that EHarmony stuff I mentioned earlier, I was totally kidding)
6. I loathe tomatoes but I love ketchup and tomato soup.
7. I was the reason two of my dearest friends (the ones with the new condo!) got together. Six years ago we were having a big party, and they had been timidly flirting… So the night ends and we all passed out because…well, we were all shit-canned. So I was snoring, as I do and as one does when schwasted, and my guy friend was in the same room as me. He couldn’t take the snoring, and the next available room was that of his future girlfriend! That was the first night they got together, and the rest is history. They probably would have gotten together anyway, but I like to take credit, because that’s just the kind of Snoring Friend I am. I hope someone tells this story at their wedding, ‘cause it’s classy.
And I will pass it along to:
Jenny at Keep Me Accountable
Allison at Operation 365
Greta at Big Bottom Blogger
Doug at Beer and Cheese to the Beach (okay I know it's kind of a girly award, but honestly you can't get a better blog title. for realsies.)
Foodie Girl at For Me
Shannon/Chai at We Kin Get Thin
Kristina at Life Won't Weight
and I'm BREAKIN' THE RULES and doing another one because I really like her blog:
Kaitlin at Everyday Grace
(*I totally do mean it.)
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