if you think YOU do something embarrassing, just...read on.

I have a really embarrassing confession to make. Like, I have literally never told anyone this, in my entire life. And god help me I hope I’m not alone in this. And even if I am, well, oh well.

More often than I’d like to admit I have conversations with myself in a mirror. But I’m not talking to myself. I imagine I’m talking to family friends, or (holy sweet baby jesus, why am I telling you this…) Bill’s family when I meet them (which won’t happen, but this is Fantasy Mirror Land, might as well embrace the crazy) and…I’m just talking about my life, or what I’m up to.

Of course it’s never reality. It’s me having hobbies and doing things that I’ve always wanted to do but been too scared or haven’t gotten my ass in gear.

Tonight, I was a girl who took dance classes for exercise (and yoga here and there). I took voice lessons and, with a musically inclined friend, helped Girl Scout troops earn arts and music badges once or twice a month. And of course had a regularly updated blog (HA) about her struggle to health and happiness (all while never giving the website – even Fantasy Mirror Land is like real life – no one in my real life knows the address and only three know I even have this blog)

And tonight, it smacked me in the face….excuse the language, but I really do love cursing, well, why the fuck can’t I be that person?

(also, I just realized Fantasy Mirror Land can be abbreviated FML. That...says...an unbelievable amount.)

What stops everyone? Fear, of course!

I don’t know where it comes from, but I have very real issues with and a fear of looking stupid – it’s the reason I despise karaoke, don’t really like dressing up for Halloween, and the worst of them all, ANY sort of audience participation. Like you know sometimes during musicals, cast members come down the aisles? I all but have a panic attack.

So…I don’t want to start things because I am so scared of being bad at them.  But we all know that’s bullshit; very few people are very good at things when they first start them – of course, my insecurity and irrationality know no bounds!

But hell, I am going to try. One of the things I will try quietly, and the other one, I’m recruiting you!

Singing/Voice lessons: I can count on one hand the number of people that have told me I have a nice voice, and many more than that have heard me sing – so I don’t know what that tells you. I know I don’t have the pipes of your Whitneys or your Christinas (but at least I know the words to the national anthem, hiyoooo!) but a softer, indie-ish kind of tone. I think. But I’m scared of failing and realizing that I really do suck at singing – because it gives me such pleasure to listen to a song and sing or hum along; it’s very calming for me. But I’m afraid of having real proof that I’m singing bad pointy daggers into the ears of my loved ones.

Tonight I found a voice teacher in my area and researched her and she seems legit – so I might pay for a few lessons and see what happens! I am terrified and happy…mostly terrified.

Dance/Yoga classes: I’m afraid of how I’ll look. Dancing and yoga is for skinny people! I’ll be honest – I have moves, I can dance fairly well and I LOVE to do it. But real classes with….people? That, my friends, is for…you know…real dancers. I’m just a chub with some rhythm. And yoga – besides the obvious farting in class – I am deeply afraid of looking stupid.

My gym already has dance and yoga classes, so…what I REALLY want there, (besides having the balls and motivation to actually GO more then the one time two weeks ago when I did Zumba…) is to have people to go with.

Connected to that, I want to get a community of DC bloggers, like myself, that are struggling with weight and exercise and all that (not necessarily struggling, but you know what I mean) to meet in person to just chat, laugh, maybe go for walks or do fun things*** – you know, like gym dance classes!

Anyone live in the DC area and belong to Fitness First?? The location on 19th (between K and L) Street NW has dance classes Tues-Thurs from 6:30-7:30. I want friends! BE FRIENDS WITH ME!

***We can go to musicals, too, but I will start crying if a grown man or woman dressed as an animal comes and writhes around on my lap. I will cry and then I will never talk to you again.

I have to write to supplement my attempts at talking.

I'm bad at talking to you. Case and point:

Okay there used to be a video here - but I'm dumb and can't figure out its formatting with the new blog template - here is the link to the YouTube video! My channel! All two videos! http://www.youtube.com/user/100in12

Point the first: CHINZ I HAZ THEM.
Point the second: Maybe I'll get better at talking. Maaaaybe.

So, what AM I talking about, exactly?

I'm sick of myself, the way I am now. Right now I'm still clinging to Bill**, we'll call him (that is not his real name), the guy I was dating last year that left a few weeks ago to work overseas for a year as a contractor. It's a long story that isn't worth telling, really...but here are the major points: We went on our first date in September, in December we really started spending a lot more time together, and on New Years he said I Love You, (I love/d him too) and he left on the 14th of January. (I knew this going in, he had already applied to the job before we met, and found out he got it like 2 weeks after our first date) He's going to be in a middle-eastern country for a year, and he doesn't know what he wants to do afterwards, which includes potentially NOT coming back to the DC area. We're keeping in touch and he tells me he loves me, that he misses me, and that I mean a lot to him....but as far as I know we aren't together. He's a great guy, and he cares about me, but his head is ultimately somewhere else.

I lost myself, I'll admit it. I lived for his validation. I still kind of feel like I do, even though he's far away. But I need to really make the effort to let go. I still love him, and want to continue to do so, but I need to get back to myself. I need hobbies, for goodness' sake!

Fun stuff coming up this summer that I referenced:

*A week in Prague and London for a high school friend's wedding
*A week in California for my godbrother's wedding
*My 10 year high school reunion! EEPS!

So like I said, some things that I want to feel happy for. I deserve to be happy and healthy, but it's going to take some work. We all know this.

Tuesday through Thursdays at my gym (yeah...the one I haven't been to since July of 2010...) at 6:30 they have dance/exercise classes. Tuesdays are hip hop, Wednesdays are Cardio Dance, and Thursdays are Zumba. I'm going. I'M GOING TO THESE.

I also have a Living Social deal for one month of unlimited Bikram yoga at this one studio on the Hill. I haven't used it yet...I'm working up the courage - I'm absolutely scared to go, being so large. I'm afraid I will pass out or vomit in front of a room full of strangers. I have to start it by March, so time's ticking on this one!

I have been better in the past week with eating. Vegetables. Cooking, not eating out. It hasn't been perfect, but it's better. Drinking water, taking vitamins...eating deliberately.

That's what I want. To get healthy and happy. For me.

(**NOTE: This is the last time I will talk about him..I'm banning it from this blog and my general everyday conversation topics...unless he ends up doing something SUPER out-of-character-romantic...which won't happen.)

current thoughts

* Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Cream Cheese might be the most amazing thing on the planet.

* I just ordered some stuff from the Breathe fragrance here: http://www.lollialife.com/ ...I’m gonna make out with myself, that’s how good it smells.

* Tonight for dinner I steamed some chopped kale, spinach, zucchini and broccoli and mixed it with some goat cheese and chicken. This was my first time cooking in months, but also my first time eating VEGETABLES in lord knows how long. It was really good. I’m an adult! Sometimes!

* I bought vitamins today. I hope I can make a habit of them.

* I weigh 216. I'm okay with it...just okay. I want to see it go down.

* A boy called me vivacious today. I think I’m gonna keep that one (the adjective, not the boy) in my back pocket for a while.

It's these little things. These little things peppered throughout the day that I need to pay attention to, to focus on. I'm all about the baby steps right now. No, I haven't made it into the gym yet. But I will, I'm letting myself get there when I get there. I know I'm headed there and that's enough for me, I'm being careful and slow and deliberate to ease myself back into being here and truly taking care of myself.

It really does take a lot of effort and time and I want to get it right. That's the health stuff but it's also the boy stuff. (and not even with the one that called me vivacious....what a tangled web I weave...)

There's an ongoing...something...happening and I'm working up the courage to broach the "tell me how you feel about me" conversation, and that is HUGE for me. Something like that takes a lot of self-respect and self-worth and you all reading this know on which side of that line I often stand. Especially because I think in my gut it won't be what I want to hear (I want this to be something meaningful) but I'm going to do my best to keep my mind and my ears open but still not accept less than what I deserve. And then of course, actually follow through on what I said and not chicken out. I am REALLY good at chickening out!

So there's that.

(How often do I tag food, dating, emotions, and thought? That is my LIFE right now!)

holy crap, i'm alive!

I actually wanted to post a full post earlier today, and my plan was to get into work early and do it there (hi, I'm a good employee!) but then...dc traffic ruins everything. Anyhoodle, here's what I really want to say, that's been on my mind.

I am constantly saying things. Constantly. And I'm feeling like I never actually follow through on what I say.

"I'm going to blog more"
"I need to get back into the gym"
"I'm going to start blogging again"
"I need to just...keep cool and see how it goes"
"I need to just suck it up and be a good friend"
"I need to let him make the next move, let HIM contact ME"

Rarely do I feel like I follow through on these things anymore. I chicken out - I choose selfishness over giving. I choose giving into insecurity and self-loathing and worst-case scenario (with a dash of soap-opera level theatrics) over rational thought. I choose someone else's value (or perceived/projected value) of me over my own.

(Also, can I ask a very real question? How can I be so narcissistic and simultaneously self-loathing? I'm self-centered and yet, really don't like myself in so many ways. One...that's no way to live. But two...how is that even possible?)

I really...want to be better at this. And I don't want it to be just another thing that I say....I hope it isn't.

Hi, I missed you guys. I hope you might read this, if you ever stop by. I haven't even checked my statreader to see if anyone does... I hope you are doing well. I'm okay, if you're wondering. It's late, and I haven't gotten much sleep the past couple of days, today was an emotionally draining day and I am running on empty - so the melodramatics are admittedly a little high right now. (And I've also been PMS Smurf for the past two weeks) but...I wanted to just express myself to a group I've neglected and who knows a lot of what I'm going through.

Hopefully more soon. On dating. On me. On my trip to the Bay Area and The Family and The Matriarch. Maybe a little on work, but I'm very anti-talking-about-work-on-the-internet, so....maybe not too much of that.

Please excuse the stream of consciousness below...

So here's the thing.

Actually - first - let me say upfront that I'm at 214. Weighed myself the other day. I'm not exactly happy about it, but I know it could be worse, and I seem to be maintaining well. So I'm holding on that for now to say a few more things.

You all know my history with The Family - The Matriarch - who is my godmother who does a really good job at reinforcing my abysmal-to-non-existent self esteem. So my parents and I are going out there at the end of September to surprise her for her 65th birthday.

I was looking forward to it for about a week, and then the dread set in.

More insecurity. More feeling like my worth is based on my pants size. More comments about "brownies are for big fat girls" (she made that comment last year, thank god the comment wasn't directed at me, but those kind of things stick with you)

***

You all know I *FINALLY* got a job in my chosen field back in May. I've been there almost 3 months now, and it's going really well. I feel like I fit in, and the work is challenging but interesting. I truly feel like I am where I am supposed to be. (Don't get me wrong: I am there on weekends sometimes, working from 7am to 8:30pm on some days; it's demanding, but there is at least a decent sense of satisfaction to be had)

One of my coworkers, who you would consider my Office BFF, is a large-and-in-charge woman. She's my age, about 3 inches taller than me, but weighs well into the 300s, I'd wager. She's had severe asthma her whole life, so I suspect the inability to play and move around as a kid turned into a vicious cycle into her adulthood. Anyway, this woman has the healthiest body image of anyone I have ever met. She loves herself unabashedly and wholeheartedly. She acknowledges and appreciates every inch of her body.


***

I'm being 100% honest, I cannot wrap my mind around it. And I feel like it makes me a terrible person, and whether it's right or wrong, it makes me feel like I'm a victim of the poor self-images of many of the women in my life. My godmother, my grandmother when she was alive, even my mother a lot of the time are the big culprits here, but a lot of my girlfriends are not without the negative side comments about themselves for not weighing less or wearing a smaller size.

Over my 27 years on this planet, I've just adopted the noise. I've assumed they're right and spent my time hating my body at all its sizes.

So from this point on, I'm going to focus on loving myself. I'm not going to get anywhere until I actually genuinely care about myself, and learn to appreciate the body that I have. I'm living on my own now (or, with 2 roommates, but out of the parents house finally. It's going great, by the way!) and it's time for me to define my own outlooks on, well, just about everything.

Now, that doesn't mean I'm giving myself license to eat whatever I want, or be lazy, but, I'm not going to focus at all on that - I need to focus on my heart, on my emotional body. I know, I'm rolling my eyes a little bit too. But I'm sick of feeling this dread and shame when I go to visit my godmother. And my mother too, but she just doesn't talk about it as much as my godmother does.

Also, I don't think that my godmother's birthday party weekend is the right time to have a conversation about it, but I'm entertaining the idea that at some point, I might have to have this conversation with her about how she makes me feel.

I'm 99% sure she is projecting her own negative body images onto me. And you know what? I just don't need that shit, plain and simple. I'm sick of it. And I know she's not entirely to blame - I'm letting myself feel that way, and that's where I want the change to happen. I need to build up my own self-image. My godmother's lack of healthy body-image shouldn't be my problem, and I want to be strong enough so that I don't internalize it.

I have no idea how I'm actually going to do any of this, but I just know that I need to start loving myself. No more 100in12, no more numbers (okay, maybe numbers here and there - I want to feel better about myself but I also don't deserve to have my hard work destroyed) (Plus I've been itching to change the design of this blog and now I have a good reason to do it!)

I want to start writing again - because I think it's good for me, and it'll help work out the crazy, I think. So I just need to find a way to a path that combines loving myself with taking care of myself and my health. I haven't the slightest idea as to how that's going to go (probably not smoothly?) but, I just wanted to throw that out there.

That's the new project. Taking care of and learning to love myself.

Fitness Consult and other recent shenanigans

(Buckle up. Lots of words in this one.)

Hi! Finally had my Fitness Consult - the free one you get for signing up.

It...wasn't great, but also wasn't as bad as I thought. My stats:

Weight: 210
Body Fat %: 40! (um, yikes? but to be honest with you, I seriously thought it would be 50 or more. Not even joking. So, I know it's not good and the trainer told me as much [Um, guy, I KNOW. No need to shame me into anything - that's why I'm here!] but...yay for small, relative victories?)

I did two planks each for 20 seconds.
I did 6 pull ups (WAIT FOR IT - with about half my weight supported. HA! This cracks me up. I am curious to see how this changes if I keep at it)
I did 6 modified push ups using the bosu stability ball.

He had me do 10 minutes on the stairclimber then these other random step up balance things for my legs.

Basically, the diagnosis other than "FOR SHAME" is legs = decent, core + arms = awful. I pretty much knew that already.

So at some point this week he's going to email me with a workout plan for me to follow for about a month or so. 2 days cardio and 1 day cardio/strength. I'm gonna start with that and work my way up to...something.

I guess I'm excited. It's been a long day today (I left my house at 7am and I'm just now getting home at 9pm) so my enthusiasm has drained...but it was very much there until about 20 minutes ago!

In other REALLY EXCITING NEWS, I'm moving out the first weekend in July!!!!! Remember in my last post I mentioned that one I saw that I loved? Well that very one will be mine!! I'll have 2 roommates - who are awesome, and I think we already click. We're getting together tomorrow night after work to kind of celebrate my future-roommate-status, I think. I can't wait!

My commute will be cut in half in both time and expense (though I'm adding rent, but...it's the principle of the thing!) and there is a gym in the building, in addition to another branch of my new gym right nearby. 

I cannot wait to move and be on my own. Is it a little scary? Yes. It is long overdue? You bet it is. So I am pumped.

Another fun thing is that starting mid-July, I'm signing up for a bocce ball league with a friend of mine - he works at the place I was temping and we've kept in touch. His friends have a team and invited me to join - so I'm doing it! I think the best part about this is that I will already be living in Alexandria, so I never have to make my "Here Are the Reasons I Live at Home" speech again. That will be so nice. So relieving.

I'm looking forward to my social circle expanding. I know I'm not the svelte shape I want to be, but my confidence is still growing. I'll meet new people. Live in a new place. My job is still very much new and probably will feel that way for about a year or so. I'm good with new, I thrive on new. I'm so excited about what I can accomplish the rest of this year. Maybe landing a man will happen, maybe it won't. I'm okay with it either way.

Oh, speaking of which, can I just...talk something out? I don't want to insult anyone by telling the story I'm about to tell, but...it made me uncomfortable and maybe I need some alternate perspectives here.

So I was on the phone with my best friend, who recently found out that I had been doing EHarmony. Now, she is the type of gal that since high school has literally never been single for more than 2 weeks. Not even exaggerating. So "love" is very much important to her, because she's always had it. She's been after another friend of ours to start dating for a few years now, and even so far as saying she was going to buy her an online dating subscription for Christmas a year or two ago. She didn't end up doing it, but I always found that a little...inappropriately aggressive?

So anyway, when she and I were talking on the phone, she was like "I'm so proud of you, that's so great. I'm going to pray for you." and then to be honest, I don't remember what the rest of the conversation was.

Now, here's where you might get mad at me, for my ignorance and narrow-mindedness. So I apologize in advance. But when I hear that someone is going to pray for me, I take it as...I need to be prayed for, if that makes sense. Like...I'll pray for you to find a man. Because you need one to be fulfilled as a person.

I mean...I said thank you to her, but I..didn't quite know how else to react. I think I might have taken offense to it, actually. And I don't really take offense to a lot of things.

I guess...I mean...when I was looking for jobs, some friends and family (and maybe even some of you might have?) said that you were going to pray for me. And I thought nothing of it, other than, "that's really nice of them" - because it was something I desperately needed.

Is praying for someone reserved for dire circumstances? I don't pray often but when I do, it's when I feel someone really truly needs it. Like...they've got a problem that needs fixing. Maybe I'm just projecting because I subconsciously also think it's a problem and don't want someone else seeing it to?

But do I really, truly need a man? No. I very badly want a man, sure, but I am a complete, whole person without one. So...do you really need to pray for me?

Is anyone following my train of thought here? I mean, I understand my friend was being nice, and she loves me and cares about me..it just...bugged me.

If you have a dissenting opinion, please explain this to me! I don't mean to make waves, I just want to understand a little more.

The one in which I try to make up for my absence with semi-interesting pictures

HI.

Well, a whole month without blogging, what have I been up to?

*WORKING. My new job is great. I'm admittedly still in the honeymoon phase, but the people are great, there is SO much potential for me to really step up my game and achieve a lot professionally, and it's in an awesome area of the city and I love going there everyday.

*TURNING 27: This past Thursday (the 27th!) was my birthday! I am now 27. This is MY YEAR, people. It's been officially declared. So I've got a lot to accomplish, and you bet your ass losing weight is one of those things.

*TRYING TO MOVE. I've been looking for apartments (rooms, really) to move into. I've been looking mostly in Virginia, as I do not want to step foot inside a DMV during this process - not to mention all the money it would cost to switch over tags and what not. No thank you.

Moving is really like interviewing all over again. I'm using Craigslist, so the good/legit ads have a lot of competition. I've gotten "turned down" for one place, and I saw 2 rooms this week and they should be making a decision soon. I really sort of fell in love with one, and I hope I get it, but we'll see.

(I also put feelers out to my friends about moving out and being a potential roommate, but no one has responded...I don't think I know anyone that is in that point in their life)

The good news about moving is that I'm not at all stressed about it. It's okay if I let myself be hopeful, because the entire world isn't riding on me finding a place. Granted, it's important, but I'm in no rush. And that's a nice position to be in.

*NEW GYM. I did it - I signed up for another gym. It sucks that I'm carrying two right now - I can't quit my other one until September when my contract is up. But I hadn't been in weeks and I just hated that it didn't have enough to offer. So I joined one that is about 2 blocks from my office - and has locations in my current town, and like 5 more all in the areas where I am looking to move. So I've got my bases covered there.

Have I been going? YES. Haha, a couple of times. I still need to set up an appointment to be "shown" the gym, and they give you a free fitness consultation and all of that and show you the weights - so I've only been on cardio so far, but it's good. They also have a nice locker room and tons of showers that are clean and nice, and it's a good deal. I'm actually paying 2 dollars LESS for this gym than my old one!

*EATING. Eating has been a mixed bag. I'm pretty good during the day, breakfast and lunch and snacks are all the normal, healthy things I've been eating. Dinner is the problem. I come home and I'm tired, and I don't have the strength a lot of days to fight the urge to eat a hot dog (fine, TWO) or make a sandwich with a gigantic pile of chips, etc etc. I never win that battle, and I need to figure out a way so that I can.

In terms of weight gain, as of this past Wednesday I was at 208. To tell you the truth, I'm not all that upset. Do I want it to continue going up? Not at all, in fact, if you can believe it, I want it to go back down. But I can only balance so much. I'm giving my eating attention, don't get me wrong, but not my full attention.

HAVING FUN! I've been hanging out with my friends, going to baseball games, being touristy in my own city, all good stuff. And a lot of fun stuff planned this summer, too. Concerts, drinks with friends, Screen on the Green, Jazz in the Sculpture Garden (these last two both being very fun DC Young Professional-type things), one and maaaybe two beach trips - this is going to be a great summer.

***

So basically I still care about losing weight and getting healthy - it's just about 3rd or 4th on the list of things I am working on. The whole 100in12 thing isn't going to happen, and I guess on one hand it's disappointing that it won't happen, but if I can accomplish a shitload of things in the meantime then, we're doing allright.

I'll try and blog more. This one was mostly out of guilt that I hadn't been here in so long, and some of you were concerned. I'll tell you this - I definitely don't want to give up completely. This blog is SUCH a source of happiness for me, regardless of my attendance within the past month. It has been such a crucial tool for my success thus far and I won't give it up. But it's just not my main focus. But I'll try and do better. I hope that now that I'm identifying my lack of complete attention and effort in my weight loss areas...I'll at least care a little more. Admitting the problem is the first step, right?

Can I make up for my poor attendance here with pictures?!

First day of work outfit!

Haha, two of my friends and I pondering a map, being tourists.

The lunch I had the other day! Whole wheat naan, baby carrots, turkey, and Trader Joe's Roasted Red Pepper Hummus.

The view from the Nationals Stadium! If you ignore that scaffolding, there's an awesome view of the Capitol.

Tidbits to add to my screaming and shouting

*Finally got to bold/complete another goal on the side! And I went ahead and changed/broke up the Onederland/live at home by May thing. I know I won't get hit Onederland this coming Monday, but I will definitely hit it IN May, you can count on that! I've been maintaining most of April and I need to kick it into high gear! Mostly concerning exercise, I need to get back into it for realsies!

Especially because....I am in no way joking about that "throw myself a party" reward. I'm already planning it for memorial day weekend, haha! It just so happens that's also my birthday weekend, and my Golden Birthday! I'm turning 27 on the 27th this year. For the past few years I haven't really cared about my birthday, but this year...things are different. I deserve a damn party after these last 16 months, and to show off the work I've done since September! I'm treating myself to an indulgent afternoon with my friends and family, hanging out in (hopefully some) sunshine and grilling and enjoying the life that I've worked hard to finally get!

*I would like to take a moment to thank you guys for all of your support, for letting me bitch and complain about not having a job, for giving me a kick in the pants (Nic I love you for it!) when I needed it, and for helping me choose outfits, and all that good stuff. I love having this freaking blog and I know it's been devoid of health and food stuff lately, but rest assured there is going to be a return to that now that I've got this whole job sitch handled! Plus with working towards Onederland and beyond, I'm gonna need to revamp my efforts and I absolutely include blogging (and COMMENTING, geez, Lazy McSelfish over here) in that.

*Also, (basically...Steve I'm looking at you) does anyone have any recommendations for me on fun stuff to do in Annapolis, MD? My friend and I are taking a day trip there on Saturday just for fun, and we need things to do! We've already got our restaurant picked out, but we need other fun (and hopefully cheap/free!) things to do and explore during the day. Comment or email me! (100in12@gmail.com)

*Look at the dinner my friends and I made last night! The chicken and the sweet potato fries came from this cookbook and everything turned out amazingly. And that corn on the cob was perfectly steamed, ifidosaysomyselfandido :-)

Highweigh to Hell

(While I do love AC/DC, this is the Glee Cast version! I have, of course, been listening to the newest Glee songs nonstop. HOW FUN was the Madonna episode. PS Like a Prayer is my favorite Madge song and I was so happy they sang it. Loved their version.)

Weight this AM:

204.6!

A nice 3 pound loss from last week. Hooray! I’d say I earned it. Lots of water, a leeetle more exercise, healthy food choices, no booze, all that good stuff.

I don’t think I’ll be able to pull off 4.6 pounds before next week’s May weigh-in, which is fine. I know I’ll be close and I know I’ll hit Onderland IN May. So that’ll be good. I just need to keep trying and keep making good decisions and exercising and the numbers and pants sizes will follow.

And now, I write about my emotions, far too early on a Monday morning.

This isn’t an unheard of topic, but, it’s something on my mind now that I’m nearing Onederland: fear of success. Many of you/us talk about the fear of what happens next, after we reach a big goal or inch closer towards it every day. Being large is a safety net – we can say “I would do this but I’m too big” or “The fact that I’m this size is keeping me from doing *insert activity or whatever here*” but…when that’s taken away, we don’t have any more excuses. Will I get less funny the thinner I get? Will dating really be that much easier? Will I have the courage to try new things, when it’s more likely a fear of failure or looking stupid, rather than a fear of being fat that is keeping me from doing them?

Anyway, I’m bringing these things up to sort of…prepare myself? To put it out there so I don’t fall into these traps.

*
During SWL1 (Successful Weight Loss 1.0 – from 2007 to July of 2009 I lost 65 pounds) I got down to 197 in August of 08. I felt so great and I wrote in my journal at the time “I am NEVER going back to above 200!” and what did I do a few weeks later? You guessed it. The scale went up and KEPT going up until July of 09.

Now, there was a LOT that was going on in my life that affected me emotionally and I let it completely crush any motivation I had. I had lost the weight that put me under 200 while I was in London. I was living my dream. Working for an arts organization, in London, not living with my parents, I was just. me. I have never been happier than in those two months. And a ton of weight came off. I was eating well and walking everywhere. Even when the tube was available and we were given our transportation stipend…I walked. Just to do it. God I loved it.

Anyway, so I come back home, rode the London high for about a week, and then stopped eating well and exercising. I was so depressed to be back home. To be a dependent. To be still so closely tied to my parents, knowing full well that I should have been out on my own by then. There were additional issues happening then too that greatly contributed to my lack of emotional health, but this was a big factor. Sigh. And the weight slowly crept up, and then it shot up in Jan-July of 09.

I had the opportunity to look at things positively – to capitalize on my time in London and keep it going, even though I didn’t like the circumstances I was returning to. It’s not like they weren’t the same ones that I was living in two months prior before I left. I’m no psychologist, but maybe I let myself get bogged down in my emotions (I’m cutting myself a little slack because at that point, and definitely from Jan-July 09, I think my depression was pretty, uh, robust) and allowed myself to gain weight – some part of me was afraid of weighing less and less.

*

I haven’t weighed under 200 in maybe 7 or 8 years? I’m a little scared of the responsibility that comes with it, to be honest. The second half of my journey (the next 50 pounds) is harder – it’s harder to lose weight the smaller you get, and I’m afraid of the struggle. I’m afraid of how much harder I’m going to have to work and I’m scared of not being able to do it.

So I’m coming up on Onederland…and I find out this week or next whether or not I got that job. If I get it, it means I can make plans to move out. Now, the interview went well and (I looked snazzy thanks to you all, by the by. I went with the jacket and the coral top. Thank you for all your input! The coral was the one I had in my mind to begin with and I’m glad the majority vote was with me!) there is nothing I could have done better. But if I don’t get it…I have no other prospects on the horizon.

I just don’t want any potentially disappointing news to trigger anything – to then allow myself to be sent into a tailspin that involves reintroducing my hidden food stash under my bed, being anti-social and generally snarl-y.

Bleh. But that’s just something I wanted to get out. What I can do right now is just be mindful this week and make good choices. (and BLOG MORE, geeeeez!)

what goes up...aka bullet point thoughts

• I am totes mcgotes not going to lose weight this week. Only worked out once - Tuesday - and I've been eating whatever I want, which has included beer, chinese food, more beer, WAY too much peanut butter, cookies...and some more beer and generally too much food. So...just to prepare you (and myself) for tomorrow morning. There might even be a pound or two gain. Oops.
• My last day of temping is tomorrow! I'm sad the money stream will be ending, but there's a silver lining of having my afternoons back for a little while to rededicate myself to the gym.
• My EHarmony subscription runs out on Thursday. I "pursued" like 4 guys today, just as a last-ditch effort. One of them actually responded. Hopefully we make it til Thursday. We'll see what happens.
• In other EH news, Sam and I are still buds! We hung out last Monday (that was the chinese food and beer) and last night too. It's been fun. And the more I hang out with him, the more I realize that I would really not want a relationship with him. So it really worked out for the best. But he's a ball of energy and sarcasm and I like both of those things.
• My parents make their triumphant return in about 30-60 minutes! I'm actually looking forward to seeing them (AND MY DOGGIE*!!!!!) but...I am afraid this feeling will not last very long. I'm projecting about 15 minutes. Seriously.

So it just seems like...all of the things that I've been doing these past four months are coming to an end at the same time - working, EHarmony, having freedom...they're evaporating before my eyes.

What needs to happen next is that I make my life my bitch and get it all back on my own terms. For realsies.

*

I get to see this guy really soon!

weekend wrap up

I had such a great weekend! Friday night I watched Monsters vs. Aliens – have you seen it?! I thought it was so hilarious. I love cartoon movies, I really do. Emperor’s New Groove, Up, The Incredibles…some of my faves.

Anyway, Saturday was great. I was sad to miss FitBloggin and I definitely want to go next year – but my day made up for it! I went down to Richmond (VA) to see a bunch of my friends again. I had lunch with one of my best friends – he’s my best guy friend and we’ve been friends since we were 13 years old. He was my senior prom date! He’s in med school and just got matched this week, so we had a celebratory lunch!

After lunch he came with me to my old college roommate’s birthday party, and we had cold drinks and played games in the sunshine. It was so nice. Have you ever played Ladder Golf? Looks like this:

You set them at opposite ends of a yard or whatever and toss the ball/string things and they have to hang on to the different rings to get points. It’s so fun. And if you’re immature like my friends and me, there are an infinite number of ball jokes to be made.

After the cookout I went over to the house of another friend from college – for a St. Patrick’s Day party! I had such a good time, and I had a little NSV too!  My friend told me that I looked really good - she hadn't seen me since September, which was the last time I was down at their house! In fact, my first picture on the side there, the one in which I'm wearing my Orange VT shirt, I took that right before I left to see them.

And now today…just resting. I got a book from the library and I’m gonna start in on that.

Can I tell you what’s a total bummer? Fear. Kat had a great post about it recently, which I totally identify with, but in this particular instance, I’m speaking of a different kind of fear…the “of your life” kind.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/03/15/AR2010031501859.html

If you don’t feel like reading this, basically there’s a guy named The East Coast Rapist and he’s been getting away with, you guessed it, rapes, for the past 13 years. From Northern Virginia all the way to Connecticut. And the other week there was a notice of a similar person in the town where I live. AWESOME.

This guy apparently preys on women after learning their routines and habits, knowing when they'll be alone and unguarded - near their homes, or sometimes at gas stations and such. And I'm in my house by myself. It’s so nice out now and I’m literally too afraid to go out to walk/run by myself. This sucks. It sucks that someone like this exists, and that it makes me live in fear. I’m already cautious about this sort of thing anyway, I always lock doors and pay attention to my surroundings, but I don’t like being fearful about it.

I don't want to be overly dramatic, but I also want to take it seriously. If you were me, what would you do?

Anyway, just in case anyone in the DC area that reads this blog hadn’t heard about this guy…be careful please! I don’t want to sensationalize, I just think everyone should be aware.

(Moving to a different kind of terror, I don’t think I will have lost any weight this week. I ate healthfully, but I think I ate more than I did the week previous, plus my "day off" yesterday, which included lots of delicious beer and three pieces of pizza!)

I meal it in my fingers, I meal it in my tooooeessss (what's up, Love Actually!)

Today I had a “moment”. You may have seen it if you follow me on Twitter (which I probably shouldn’t/can’t do at work anymore…people are on to me, for serious. All the more reason I need a Droid so I can do it on my phone all covert-like. No one can keep me from procrastinating! – sorry, did you say something about wondering why I can’t get a full time job? I don’t follow.)

ANYWAY, PARENTHETICAL THOUGHTS. So here’s my moment. I ordered two things on Amazon today (see: Work Morals, Dwindling) – chia seeds and some Green SuperFood drink powder. Less than a month ago, I had no idea these two things even existed, and now I’m ordering them because I want to make them a part of my life.

And come to think of it – before this blog, I had never heard of VitaTops. I had NO idea about the existence of greek yogurt much less its benefits. I mean, beyond eating terribly, there was so much I didn’t know.

So today, I am just really thankful. Thankful for whatever possessed me to start writing this blog last August. And to continue writing. It’s funny – if you look at the archives, I wrote one post in August, and didn’t write again until a week later. It was such an impulse thing to start this and I wasn’t sure, even after hitting publish, that I would follow through. I am so thankful I did.

I am so thankful for all of you. Thankful for how freaking smart all of you are. Like I said, all of the food I never tried and now love, or all of the exercise tips (intervals, eating protein after a workout, etc) I never would have known had it not been for you guys.

For finding your blogs and connecting with you and learning from you. I never dreamed how helpful it would be to talk to people (even just online) that really truly know what I’m going through, that know what it’s like to wear jean sizes in the 20s, and that want so badly to never experience it again, or are just working towards happiness. You all let me whine, and complain, and be myself when it’s good and when it’s bad, and you still offer support and suggestions and ideas and humor and I can’t thank you enough.

Okay enough mushy stuff. FART JOKE!

…that’s better.

Breakfast:

*6 big strawberries
*1/2 cup cottage cheese
*half a WW bagel with 1 tbsp The Bees Knees PB&Co

Snack:

*1 serving of peanut butter puffins
*Chobani peach yogurt! (I cannot get over how much protein these things have. LOVE.)

Lunch:

*11 baby carrots
*sandwich: garlic naan, tbsp of roasted red pepper hummus, half a LCL wedge, a little bit of baby spinach, alfalfa sprouts (this was SO GOOD)
*small/medium banana

Snack:

*half a pink lady apple
*CranBran VitaTop

Dinner: (if you want to call it that)

*garlic naan folded in half with 1-2 tbsp roasted red pepper hummus spread
*serving of peanut butter puffins

Dinner was ridonk because I had to grab something in literally 20 seconds – between getting home and leaving to make the movie on time, I only had time to use the bathroom and throw something together so I wouldn’t come home and eat my foot. Or a cake. Or both. So I’m happy I had the sense to make sure I got some food, but not happy that I probably didn’t eat enough calories today, and not happy that what I ate for dinner I had already had during the day! I don’t like to repeat!

(Water intake was 110oz and then 3 cups of green tea, I believe)

Needing/Getting (song by OK GO from their new album. currently enjoying.)

A few things that are on the ol’ noggin:

*I did a little grocery shopping tonight. My cart was BALLER:
-baby spinach
-baby arugula
-granny smith apples
-baby carrots
-vitatops (cranbran)/vitamuffins (chocolate)
-frozen broccoli
-edamame
-kashi honey sunshine cereal
-low fat cottage cheese

Can I get a what what? Considering my shopping choices in January, this is AMAZING and felt as such. Not being ashamed while grocery shopping is something worth striving toward.

*The other day I started reading The Gunslinger by Stephen King. It’s the first book in a seven book series called The Dark Tower series. Anybody read them? My friend Kevin is a HUGE fan of them and we got to talking and I decided to read them. Gunslinger is really good so far. I love the way it’s written.

*I basically had two breakfasts today, I just had this feeling I’d need it. I’m CLAIRVOYANT. So I had my greek yogurt with cereal mixed in, and then a vitatop (cranbran) in the car on the way to the metro. This was around 7:30am. Work/temping got so nuts I didn’t eat again until 1:30pm! 6 hours later! I was starving. I don’t think I would have made it on one of those breakfasts alone. Yeesh.

*I’m going to my friends’ apartment tonight around 10pm, in my pajamas, and we’re going to watch LOST via Tivo (no commercials, holler) and it is going to be snuggly and fun and Lost-tastic. I’m going to be dead tired tomorrow morning but it’ll be totally worth it. Also? I’m taking the ice cream and Twizzlers** that I shamefully bought in a bad grocery store trip last week – in an attempt to make it like a fun! Sleepover! ….but really to get rid of it. I’m sneaky. And generous? …mostly just sneaky.

*Progresso soup reviews: I had the Italian Meatball the other day. Super delish. To be honest, the smell of it was AMAZING and the taste didn’t totally live up, but it was still really good. I also had the Hearty Vegetable or something like that, and it was also quite good. Basically like Minestrone but with pasta. Don’t forget – they are doing a Progresso Souper You contest that seems pretty sweet – go enter! (I still have a Giveaway to do for them/this whole deal, I’m sure you’ve seen other bloggers already do theirs, because they’re on top of their lives, whilst I am not! But I will do it soon. Can anyone email me with any tips for picking someone fairly? Isn’t there some random number generator or something? HOLD MY HAND I NEED HELP)


(**Okay, I might only take some of the Twizzlers. I feel very little shame in eating them as compared to other sweet treats.)

(Do I need to say again that Progresso provided me with the soup, the giveaway packet, and the information about the Souper You contest? I don't know how things work. Well I guess I just said it. I can sleep tonight.)

YEESH

Hi again. I'm so sorry it's been an entire week. I'm writing this in the morning as I'm getting ready for work - I'm thinking this temp job is going to last a few more weeks, which is good. So anyway, I'm gonna get down to business.

My weight this week is: 225.8. Good in that I maintained, bad in that it's my starting/ending weight for the month, and this is the first time I haven't met (and obliterated) my goal. So that's sad, because honestly I feel like I'm out of control. Things aren't awful but I don't feel myself getting better, either.

I do really well in the mornings and afternoons. My breakfast and lunch and snacks are healthy. And then I get home after work and I don't care anymore. And forget about the weekends.

And no exercise, either. Other than the 4 flights of stairs I have to climb up to get to my car in the Metro parking garage. 

I hate that I'm sliding backwards. And that I can't stop myself from buying horrid food at the grocery store. It honestly feels like I'm punishing myself; like I'm aware of it but I still can't stop it. Man, if I could afford therapy you know where I'd be right now.

And that's it, really - there are two things I'm realizing. One, I just mentioned. I probably need to be in therapy. Did I tell you already that I did that once? In 2008, for about 6 months - as a student, my school allows you something like 12 sessions for free, so I went. It was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. 

The other thing is that I REALLY need to move out of my house. I feel like it's crushing me. It's crushing who I want to be. I understand that moving out is somewhat of a "quick fix", hence the need for therapy, but it absolutely has to happen. I'm still applying for jobs, and haven't gotten any call-backs in a while, but I'm working on it. Moving out NEEDS to happen.

So I guess I'm realizing I'm not in a good place right now, emotionally that is. Maybe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Maybe I have real depression. Maybe some weird gray area between the two. Or maybe I'm just feeling poorly because I'm eating poorly. Regardless, it's not good any way you cut it.

But let's focus on the positives, shall we?

1- I've been working. Money is always good. I don't think this will turn into a permanent position, but I'm hoping I can still network and make some contacts along the way.

2 - My morning and afternoon eating have been good. I've been packing myself good stuff again. Arnold's thin, greek yogurt, string cheese, V8, Progresso soup(! Yeah, I have like 4 reviews to do. They're tasty and they're forthcoming, I promise) and water. I'm in dire need of fruits and vegetables, though. I haven't bought any in a while. (That's probably why I've been sick with a flu/cold for a week...ugh)

3 - EHarmony: Haven't been on an actual date yet, but there are some potential suitors. No one has popped on the screen yet, but all in good time. I've done some pursuing that hasn't really worked out, and people are pursuing me. So there are things happening but nothing's really happening yet. Ha :-P

*****

I'm sorry for the all-business-no-silliness post. I miss you guys, I really do. There has been so much going on and I've been avoiding this blog world. I see people losing weight and exercising and leaving me in the dust. It doesn't make a girl feel good. But I know it's my own doing. Sigh. 

The crazy thing is, despite the fact that I have my first "red" monthly goal over there, I don't feel too bad about staying at the same weight. I went up a week or two, and I'd love it if I could go back down.

It's hard to know when you're sensationalizing everything, and when you really need to address serious problems, you know? I tend to exaggerate and blow things out of proportion - and I want to hold myself accountable while also being nice to myself. Is such a thing possible?

(Also, apologies for the broken-stream-of-consciousness-writing, and probable spelling errors - I got up at 5am today. Ew.)

Here I go again...

Oh, hi there. *sheepish look*.

Uh, how’s everybody doin’?

I’m…okay. I’ve been eating pretty darn poorly this past week – lots of chocolate and candy from my stocking, Christmas cookies, ice cream, Diet Coke, and bagels for breakfast, and lunch, and dinner. There was literally one day last week when I had a bagel at EVERY MEAL. I felt…gross.

My mom and I are fine. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone in that one. I love her to pieces and I know she’s my biggest fan, she just seems to have a weird way of showing it? I don’t know.

But things are fine and we had a nice Christmas. I got money for new running shoes, so I’m probably going to go to a store like Pacers or Footsteps to get their opinions. Can I tell you, though – I am scared to go in there, and I’ll tell you why. (you can probably guess why) My size. I have this image that all people that go in there are runners, therefore zero-percent-body-fat kind of people. And also, if they have to watch you run to figure out if you over-pronate or whatever – oh man, I am terrified by not only the clerks watching me, but anyone else in the store!? EEPS.

That’s the number one reason why I haven’t gone to one of those stores yet. Or hell, even if they don’t judge me because most of the time I’m projecting and it’s my own judgment and not theirs, I’m going to compare myself like you wouldn’t believe anyway! Ugh. What a neurotic sentence that was.

Well, I’ll just have to give myself the pep talk of all pep talks at some point and just cowboy up and go in there. Because I want pretty new running shoes.

For that matter, I want to be running again. I haven’t been to the gym in two weeks. I haven’t done any kind of physical activity. I feel kind of sluggish. I noticed the other day that I felt a little more out of breath after running up all of my townhouse stairs. That scared/saddened me a little bit. My weight isn’t up that much (this has to be a gigantic Christmas present from the Universe) so it’s just fitness related.

***
Okay, I guess we’ll go ahead and get to it – my weight this morning, which marks the last week in December but also the end of the Challenge! Ha, YES, I was still technically participating!

Somehow, miraculously, I am at 218.8 this morning. It’s only a .4 gain from last week. If you saw what I ate this week, you’d be surprised too!

And I did my measurements – I’m unsure about their accuracy because I can’t remember the exact spots I measured last time, so…oh well!

Arm 12 (13 at the beginning of the challenge – 1 inch down!)
Waist 45 (47 at the beginning of the challenge – 2 inches down!)
Bust 44 (50 at the beginning of the challenge – 6 inches down! Bless the Lord and my inaccurate measuring!)
Leg 26 (26.5 at the beginning of the challenge - .5 inches down!)
Hips 50 (52 at the beginning of the challenge – 2 inches down!)

Well, that makes me feel pretty good, even considering they might not be entirely accurate. 11.5 inches total? I like it.

***

On to the future.

I want and need to start doing better. I don’t want to weigh any higher than I do right now, I don’t deserve to. I was looking at my own blog the other day, and realized, UH, it’s called 100in12 not for cuteness purposes, but for, you know, goal purposes. I still have that ultimate goal I’m working for.

As of right now, I’m still okay as far as those monthly goals I’ve set, and I want it to stay that way.

I want to blog more again. I miss being participatory in your lives, and my own life for that matter.

Meal Big Fish

Sigh. So I got an email from Today's Interviewer (who I suppose is technically Yesterday's Interviewer!) and he wants to set up another round of interviews early next week with me and the other "finalist". So apparently it's down to me and one other person, and we're meeting with his right-hand-woman, and then him for a second time. I'm tired already. I just want it to be over.

I'm so sick of getting my hopes up!

Anyway, on to more fun things!

Went to the gym this afternoon – and hooooo boy, did I sweat.

First, I did my warm up on the treadmill but a little better this time:

Of course I did my 1 minute of walking at 3mph, and then ran until 13:40! AT 5MPH! That’s a 12 minute mile, folks. And I ran an extra 40 seconds after that! I am really happy with that. I thought, you know, 4.9 is obviously not that different from 5, and I easily transitioned from 4.8 to 4.9 so I should be able to do it

And I did!

So that was pretty great. The mileage came out to 1.10. Ha, originally I was going to just run until 13:30 but the mileage was at 1.08 and I am a weird person and I wanted to get it to a nice round number so I kept going until 1.10 :-P Ridonkulous.

So after my awesome mile, I did 4 machines. I upped my ## on the leg press, and with the other machines I really focused on going slower and more precisely. Working less of momentum and more off of my own strength. I think it worked? I dunno. I don’t really know anything about weight training. I’ve had some sessions with personal trainers in the past and I read blogs and such, but ultimately I’m making it up and trusting what little instincts I have. Heh.

After those machines I did some jump rope. I did it for a minute and 5 seconds straight! That’s a new record for me. That wasn’t all the jump roping I did, it was just the longest stretch. I did some abs stuff, and took a page from Jillian’s book and did the lunge/bicep curl move from the Shred DVD (I just used heavier weights). It was TOUGH! I did some regular bicep curls and tricep work too.

I did a couple of modified push-ups to see what I looked like doing them – um, I’m BARELY bending my arms and I can feel the burn. I then tried a real push up and couldn’t do it. This is all with the correct form, I should point out. If I had my ass sticking up in the air maybe I could dip down further but…I’d rather get the muscle memory doing it the right way. Anyway, that’s a work in progress!

So I left it there! I was definitely sweating and I don’t want to do the same thing every time and have my body get used to it.

Vitamins – Check!

Water – 152oz. Wow

Breakfast:

*egg mix: zucchini, 1/3 red pepper diced, egg subst, 1 LCL wedge and ketchup on top!

Snack (post-gym):

*1/2 cup of cottage cheese

Lunch:

*oven baked sweet potato fries (half a sweet potato, 1 tbsp olive oil, seasoned with salt pepper paprika and cumin)
*sandwich: arnold’s thin, roasted red pepper, spinach, tzatziki sauce

Snack:

*gala apple

Dinner:

*cup veggie crunchers (LOL this does NOT count towards my whole veggie per meal deal)
*Tastybite Madras Lentils soup (can I mention again how much I love this stuff?)
*cup of steamed broccoli

(okay, I'd say I made my goal of fruit or veggie at each meal - I'm not counting snacks, right? Because that would be a little ridonkulous. I'm sticking with a Breakfast Lunch and Dinner framework)

Thanksgiving Mists of Avalon

What a weird post title. But look at it outside today! :

That's in the parking lot of my high school, outside our stadium. 'Cause I just got back from the track, mo'fo's!!

I did my three mile run/walk alternating again, but did it in a little over 47 minutes this time. Getting faster!  This is the shirt I wore today and I think it helped:

I feel very lucky today. :-)

I'm lucky for a lot of things. Heh, you can see where this is going, right?

Things I'm thankful for in no particular order:

*I mentioned it yesterday, but my parents. They are supporting me financially and emotionally right now. They are so great and they make me laugh every day. The Mists of Avalon thing is a reference to them, whenever it's really foggy out, one of us always goes "It's like the Mists of Avalon out there!" which...doesn't even make sense, really. I've read the book and it has nothing to do with weather other than the presence of mist :-) But it's just one of those things, and it makes me smile. Also, whenever someone says something is crazy, one of us always follows that up with "crazy as a friggin' loon!" ... for no reason. I don't know where these things come from, or how we developed these weird call-and-response traditions, but they're there and I love my parents for our weirdness.

*You guys!! I can't begin to tell you what it means to me to have you follow this poorly-written little corner of the internet and leave me feedback and ideas and positive comments. And not only for your feedback for me, but your blogs too! I would not be doing so well if it wasn't for you all. B. T. Dubs, I'm terrible at responding to comments - I try and reply through my email, but I don' t know if that always works...but please know that I am so appreciative and I love hearing from you and I hope you will continue to do so! I'll try and improve the "I exercised and then I ate and then I have a weird tangent to go on" posts :-)

*My legs. They carried me for three miles faster than I've ever done it before. They ran a MILE on Monday. They are strong and getting stronger.

*My dog! Seriously, he's awesome. He's a beagle named Parker. We got him from a rescue group about 5 years ago, and we have never been the same. He is our little prince. I mean, come on, look at that face:

*My friends: I need more than two hands to count the friends I have that I've known since elementary school, and I am so thankful for that. We've formed a group over the years that now includes spouses, children, siblings, and I don't know what I'd do without them. We have our own online forum, a PHONE TREE (no, seriously, we have a phone tree. We're just some orange slices and Capri Suns away from being a soccer team) and our own Holiday Potluck. I love them dearly and we've all seen each other through some really rough, dark times. They are always the light at the end of the tunnel.

*The DC area. I absolutely love where I live. The culture that's available, the proximity to other totally awesome cities, the history, the politics (well, sometimes!) and specifically in my town: the community. I have a really small family, but with the community I grew up in, we have so many family friends I rarely feel without. And I have a safe track I can run on, an indoor community pool/rec center, I grew up playing soccer and swimming with my friends and exploring in the woods and putting on plays at our neighborhood playground and splashing in pools in the summer. Anyway, it made for a GREAT childhood and it's a great place to form an adulthood. I'm so lucky and thankful for the DC area, even when I'm stuck in traffic on 495. Okay, not so much then, but otherwise. :-)

There are many other little things I'm thankful for, but I'm going to stop doofus-ing around on the internet, and go shower and help my fam get ready for the day. It's gonna be crazy! ...Crazy as a friggin' loon.

In which I compare myself to the Redskins, but it's a good thing!

To update yesterday’s water totals, I ended up at 116oz, so I had a few more bottles while watching Glee :-)

You’ll be happy to know that as I was going to bed, I finally got over the weigh in. I was thinking about today, and it just hit me:

It’s just a day.

Up until yesterday I had been kind of anxious about it “What will I eat? How will I handle eating differently in front of our family friends? Will they notice? Will they question me? Will I go overboard? I wonder if I can say no to pie? Can I really say no?” and the questions go on and on…

And really, there is no need. (this is when I hear all of you say, “You’re just getting to this place now?!!?” heh)

I realized there’s no need for the pressure. I’m doing great so far, and no matter what I do today, I’m not going to gain back 40 pounds in one day. This. one. day. is not going to ruin all of my efforts.

It’s not a reason to go nuts, but it is a reason to relax and not stress so much.

I’m just going to trust myself.

And the same goes for yesterday. Yes, I was mopey and complainy and gross, but the same Thanksgiving principle applies – I didn’t gain back 40 pounds, did I? No. It wasn’t what I wanted, but that happens and it’s part of the process sometimes. And this kind of thing can go for not just anyone that doesn't get the loss that they want, but a gain too (hah, so I can keep this philosophy in mind for Monday!!)

So not like you care, but I’m okay with yesterday.

In a way, it’s kind of good – like the Redskins for example (not that I want to parallel my efforts to the season of the Redskins, because then I really am doomed for failure…sorry guys, you know I love you) – in seasons past we’ve started off winning, and we get to 2-0 or 3-0 and the pressure just exponentially grows to keep it up – watching the games becomes harder and less fun because it becomes less about the game and more about the streak. Can they keep it up, will they keep it up? And it almost feels like the team will literally cease to exist if they drop the streak.

A bump in the road (a L in the Redskins case, or Yesterday, in my case) doesn't mean the world is ending. It can be good, to kind of reset yourself and start fresh.

That’s kind of how I feel. There’s more pressure to keep an undefeated streak (say, knocking it out of the park *LOL mixing sports metaphors!!* every week which I’ve been proudly doing) than to treat each week separately and not link it to weeks past or even weeks future. It’s much more enjoyable when you don’t have that pressure, even, uh, if it might be self-enforced.

I’m happy to say there’s no pressure here today. I’m excited to see my friends and family, and eat and drink with them and have a wonderful holiday and to wear my 18 jeans and look friggin’ sweet in them.

Enjoy today, everyone! Happy Thanksgiving, and Happy Regular Thursday to our Canadian friends :-)


(PS - that would be SIZE 18 jeans, not 18 pairs of jeans. I don't have costume changes at Thanksgiving. Though now I'm starting to think it might be a good idea...)

(PPS - Another way I can be thankful in relation to the Redskins? I may have not had the loss number I wanted, but at least I didn't get BEAT BY THE DETROIT LIONS. I'm still bitter.)

Dan in Meal Life

Well, I moped today, if I'm being honest. My excuse for not doing anything today is so that by tomorrow I'll feel so lethargic that I won't bargain my way out of some late morning activity. But really, I moped. I know it's ridiculous, but I was looking forward to seeing that 220 number. I should know better, but sometimes emotions run things.

Today was the first day in a while that I didn't feel like being on track. I did pretty well with food, but all day I just wanted to eat eat eat, and a part of me wanted to go back to eating the way I used to, without caring about nutrition or how it made my ass look! Probably a reaction to me being fussy about this morning's weigh-in, which can I point out again that I know I am being completely absurd about it, but it's aggravating nonetheless to have these little urges and wants to eat 3 hot dogs in one sitting or go play video games (which I did today, what's up Super Mario Brothers 3) with an entire bag of frosted mini wheats by my side (which I did not do today!). I had a little fun indulgence at dinner, but it's reasonable. You'll see, it's not so bad.

And I'm still working on the water. I've got only 56oz so far today! See? With the moping? Pathetic. I'll get over myself eventually. But I've got another full bottle here that's 20oz, so I'll definitely have this one and maybe one more. Perhaps I shall update later with a final amount.

Breakfast:

*egg sandwich: 1 LCL wedge, egg subst, ketchup, 1/8 of an avocado sliced, toasted arnold’s thin
*1/2 cup cottage cheese

Lunch:

*3/4 cup veggie crunchers
*sandwich: toasted arnold’s thin, 2 slices avocado, roasted red pepper, 2 tbsp tzatziki sauce

Dinner:

*egg in a pocket!!!

(*DO NOT read if you don’t like runny eggs!!)

My mom used to make this for me all the time as a kid. Butter a piece of bread (I used whole grain, and country crack) and use a glass to cut a hole out of the bread. Place in pan butter side down for a few minutes, add egg, when it’s almost all the way cooked flip it over for a few minutes. The whites are cooked but the yolk is still runny and you cut into it and it’s eggy and the toasted buttery bread soaks up the yolk with the firm whites and agghhhhhhh DROOL.

It was technically on the indulgent side for me, considering I can’t remember the last time I used butter for anything…but I would still consider it a very small dinner. But it totally hit the spot.

(All you runny-egg-haters can continue reading now!)

Dinner came on the heels of a fun evening with my parents discussing Thanksgiving and family food traditions – how my maternal grandmother was not really that much of a cook, but my fraternal grandmother could whip up lobster thermidor in the blink of an eye. How our Thanksgiving food has changed over the years, and of course, how obsessed I am with my mom’s stuffing hehe. We talked about the first meals my parents cooked for each other (my mom’s was mac and cheese, my dad’s was grilled cheese and tomato soup…they were classy youngsters) and it was fun. Anyway all this nostalgia brought me around to Egg in a Pocket, and it was the perfect dinner. So amazingly simple and delicious.

Speaking of my parents, they recently celebrated their 41st wedding anniversary. I count my lucky stars every single day that I have two parents that love each other the way mine do - my mom is endlessly entertained by my dad, and my dad thinks my mom is the most adorable woman on the planet. My favorite part of all this is that they met in February of 1968 and were married in October of 1968. They were 24 and 22 years old. Unbelievable. They are my role models.

Look how hot they were. I think this was right when they got married:

This is my favorite picture of them. I don't know who took it, but they captured such a sweet moment:

Challenge Wednesdays - Week, Um, What week is this?

Well despite my confusion over how many weeks along in the challenge we are, I'm doing well. Is it week three or week four? I can't figure out what the exact start date was.

Hopped on the scale this swell AM (sing to the tune of Party in the USA, it works!)
with a prayer, a yawn or two
welcome to the land of HOLY CRAP
Am I gonna fit in...

....those size 18 jeans I have?

Hahaha, Jack Sh*t I am not, that's for sure. I did a lyrics change once to Mambo #5 but it was about being in London (last summer for an internship - I've never been happier in my life) and it was the most ridiculous thing ever. But fun. And who doesn't love Mambo #5! I feel like Michael Scott (The Office) for still liking that song.

Okay I shouldn't delay the results any further, since they're good!

224!

That's 2.4 pounds down from last week!

And so far in the challenge, I've lost either 8 pounds or 10 pounds, depending on the start date.

I'm proud of how I'm doing so far, but everyday I tell myself "Don't rely on these results - don't think you're going to get them every week just because. You have to work for them. And if you don't feel like working then you won't get results. It's not always the most difficult thing in the world but it isn't a cake walk either. Oooh, cake? No, self, focus! Just think about today, or plan for the next couple of days. That's it."

I think during SWL1 I spent too much time thinking and writing things like "This time next year I will be thin and fit and I will be turning heads and this and that...." and looking back, it was like I assumed that I would just keep going and keep losing, I was expecting results without focusing on the work it would take to get there. Thinking about going to the gym and winning internal battles with myself about food is enough for one day, thinking about doing it for 5 months or 6 months straight, that's overwhelming - even if I am doing well right now.

This time around if I catch myself daydreaming about being in Onederland (and staying there) or dating or writing that 100-pounds-lost post...I stop myself. I don't want to think about it too much. That's not to say I won't get there, but I'm not thinking of it as a foregone conclusion. Just because I'm motivated today doesn't mean I will be 7 months from now or even two weeks from now! I can't and I won't take it for granted.

Okay, well now that that little tangent is behind us, I have to set some goals for this week. Hmm.

*keep tracking water - I think I'm drinking more now that I have actual numbers to look at
*make something out of that acorn squash I have, and finally peel/open that pomegranate!
*go to the track (I kind of like it there)
*eat spinach every day this week