Weigh I Am

224! That's down from last week, HOLLER!

Other updates:

*May be making a real life, actual EHarmony date soon. Totally nervous. I'm still expecting to show up and be stood up. The whole "he looks in the window and sees me sitting there, and then bolts" scenario.  I really need some self esteem.

*No work today, and I still can't go anywhere because of the snow. I tried this morning - barely got down the road, and turned around and came back home. It's still really bad out there. Having a Corolla doesn' help. I love my baby and I don't want her out in this nonsense.

*It's a real challenge to keep myself from sitting inside and eating all day. Normally if I'm awake in the early hours, it's because I have work - but now I don't and I'm not sleepy...so my instinct is to eat. From boredom. Or to bake and THEN eat, also from boredom. Yikes. This is going to be a tough week for me. Oh, plus, being anxious about the potential EHarmony date also makes me want to eat. Ugh.

*I talked to The Matriarch (from The Family, if you remember) the other day during the snowstorm. It wasn't 4 minutes into the conversation when she asked me if I was still going to the gym. I told her I was, but not as often. And then she launched into talking about the Wii Fit and all that. It...irritated me to no end. I had a dream about this same kind of scenario the other day, but it was real life this time. I just wanted to say to her:

"The FIRST thing you bring up with me is always food and or exercising. Always. It's always about the weight - with me, with you, with somebody. Are you physically capable about talking about other things, at the very least to make me feel like you love me for reasons OTHER than how much I weigh?!" 

I know a large part of my annoyance was because I'm not happy with where I am in my "journey", and I don't want someone making me confront it. On the other hand, when she was here back in September, she did the same thing - asking me about my gym habits and what I was doing, and how I was "making her feel bad" for all the work I was doing...I still hated it, and I was doing really well. AGHHH!!! It just makes me so mad. It makes me want to not talk to her, and that makes me sad.

Eh...I didn't want to end on a sad/irritated note, because now I have myself all riled up again over it. I'm gonna go try and find something to do that doesn't involve me eating myself out of house and home.

Snowtorious BIG

Work? Okay.

Eating? Okay.

Exercise? Not great. (just the gym on Monday, and some heavy duty shoveling today)

I basically want to leave you with these:

What used to be my car

The back deck...this was only about noon - it kept snowing until about 5pm. YEAH.

I did that all by myself (and that was just one section). I am officially badass.

Needing/Getting (song by OK GO from their new album. currently enjoying.)

A few things that are on the ol’ noggin:

*I did a little grocery shopping tonight. My cart was BALLER:
-baby spinach
-baby arugula
-granny smith apples
-baby carrots
-vitatops (cranbran)/vitamuffins (chocolate)
-frozen broccoli
-edamame
-kashi honey sunshine cereal
-low fat cottage cheese

Can I get a what what? Considering my shopping choices in January, this is AMAZING and felt as such. Not being ashamed while grocery shopping is something worth striving toward.

*The other day I started reading The Gunslinger by Stephen King. It’s the first book in a seven book series called The Dark Tower series. Anybody read them? My friend Kevin is a HUGE fan of them and we got to talking and I decided to read them. Gunslinger is really good so far. I love the way it’s written.

*I basically had two breakfasts today, I just had this feeling I’d need it. I’m CLAIRVOYANT. So I had my greek yogurt with cereal mixed in, and then a vitatop (cranbran) in the car on the way to the metro. This was around 7:30am. Work/temping got so nuts I didn’t eat again until 1:30pm! 6 hours later! I was starving. I don’t think I would have made it on one of those breakfasts alone. Yeesh.

*I’m going to my friends’ apartment tonight around 10pm, in my pajamas, and we’re going to watch LOST via Tivo (no commercials, holler) and it is going to be snuggly and fun and Lost-tastic. I’m going to be dead tired tomorrow morning but it’ll be totally worth it. Also? I’m taking the ice cream and Twizzlers** that I shamefully bought in a bad grocery store trip last week – in an attempt to make it like a fun! Sleepover! ….but really to get rid of it. I’m sneaky. And generous? …mostly just sneaky.

*Progresso soup reviews: I had the Italian Meatball the other day. Super delish. To be honest, the smell of it was AMAZING and the taste didn’t totally live up, but it was still really good. I also had the Hearty Vegetable or something like that, and it was also quite good. Basically like Minestrone but with pasta. Don’t forget – they are doing a Progresso Souper You contest that seems pretty sweet – go enter! (I still have a Giveaway to do for them/this whole deal, I’m sure you’ve seen other bloggers already do theirs, because they’re on top of their lives, whilst I am not! But I will do it soon. Can anyone email me with any tips for picking someone fairly? Isn’t there some random number generator or something? HOLD MY HAND I NEED HELP)


(**Okay, I might only take some of the Twizzlers. I feel very little shame in eating them as compared to other sweet treats.)

(Do I need to say again that Progresso provided me with the soup, the giveaway packet, and the information about the Souper You contest? I don't know how things work. Well I guess I just said it. I can sleep tonight.)

I'm not promising any repeat performances, but...

I TOTALLY WENT TO THE GYM TONIGHT, MOFO'S.


(Just 20 minutes on the treadmill, 10 walking 10 running - more like 5 walking, 8 running, 2 walking, 2 running, 3 walking - but still. I WENT. That 10 of running was actually more than I thought I would be able to do, so I'll take it.)


(oh and healthy eating today too. WIN)

YEESH

Hi again. I'm so sorry it's been an entire week. I'm writing this in the morning as I'm getting ready for work - I'm thinking this temp job is going to last a few more weeks, which is good. So anyway, I'm gonna get down to business.

My weight this week is: 225.8. Good in that I maintained, bad in that it's my starting/ending weight for the month, and this is the first time I haven't met (and obliterated) my goal. So that's sad, because honestly I feel like I'm out of control. Things aren't awful but I don't feel myself getting better, either.

I do really well in the mornings and afternoons. My breakfast and lunch and snacks are healthy. And then I get home after work and I don't care anymore. And forget about the weekends.

And no exercise, either. Other than the 4 flights of stairs I have to climb up to get to my car in the Metro parking garage. 

I hate that I'm sliding backwards. And that I can't stop myself from buying horrid food at the grocery store. It honestly feels like I'm punishing myself; like I'm aware of it but I still can't stop it. Man, if I could afford therapy you know where I'd be right now.

And that's it, really - there are two things I'm realizing. One, I just mentioned. I probably need to be in therapy. Did I tell you already that I did that once? In 2008, for about 6 months - as a student, my school allows you something like 12 sessions for free, so I went. It was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. 

The other thing is that I REALLY need to move out of my house. I feel like it's crushing me. It's crushing who I want to be. I understand that moving out is somewhat of a "quick fix", hence the need for therapy, but it absolutely has to happen. I'm still applying for jobs, and haven't gotten any call-backs in a while, but I'm working on it. Moving out NEEDS to happen.

So I guess I'm realizing I'm not in a good place right now, emotionally that is. Maybe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Maybe I have real depression. Maybe some weird gray area between the two. Or maybe I'm just feeling poorly because I'm eating poorly. Regardless, it's not good any way you cut it.

But let's focus on the positives, shall we?

1- I've been working. Money is always good. I don't think this will turn into a permanent position, but I'm hoping I can still network and make some contacts along the way.

2 - My morning and afternoon eating have been good. I've been packing myself good stuff again. Arnold's thin, greek yogurt, string cheese, V8, Progresso soup(! Yeah, I have like 4 reviews to do. They're tasty and they're forthcoming, I promise) and water. I'm in dire need of fruits and vegetables, though. I haven't bought any in a while. (That's probably why I've been sick with a flu/cold for a week...ugh)

3 - EHarmony: Haven't been on an actual date yet, but there are some potential suitors. No one has popped on the screen yet, but all in good time. I've done some pursuing that hasn't really worked out, and people are pursuing me. So there are things happening but nothing's really happening yet. Ha :-P

*****

I'm sorry for the all-business-no-silliness post. I miss you guys, I really do. There has been so much going on and I've been avoiding this blog world. I see people losing weight and exercising and leaving me in the dust. It doesn't make a girl feel good. But I know it's my own doing. Sigh. 

The crazy thing is, despite the fact that I have my first "red" monthly goal over there, I don't feel too bad about staying at the same weight. I went up a week or two, and I'd love it if I could go back down.

It's hard to know when you're sensationalizing everything, and when you really need to address serious problems, you know? I tend to exaggerate and blow things out of proportion - and I want to hold myself accountable while also being nice to myself. Is such a thing possible?

(Also, apologies for the broken-stream-of-consciousness-writing, and probable spelling errors - I got up at 5am today. Ew.)

Hi, lovelies. I'm still here. By "here" I mean physically alive. That's pretty much all I've got going for me.

I weighed in today, because I "forgot/didn't get on the scale" last week.

I'm at 225.8.

So you can guess how I've been eating and exercising! (poorly and non-existent-ly)

I have to finish getting ready for my temp job so I have to go, but I just wanted to say hi. I'll write more later, with a post full of complaining, a couple of good points, self-loathing, maybe an excuse or two thrown in there; it'll be great.