05 September 2009
I love Craig Ferguson SO VERY MUCH. I also love the song. It reminds me of a boy. Ugh, a BOY. We'll get to that one day. Anyway, the aforementioned cute and pretty (and delicious!) egg was a serving of egg substitute, poured into one of those little egg pan things, only with Pam, and then, fried? I’m not sure what to call this. I guess it was a fried egg, but to me that sounds like I used a half-gallon of oil and beer batter. Anyway. FOCUS. Breakfast.
Egg subst. With a little dollop of salsa on top.*
About ¾ of a cup of cottage cheese
Cup of coffee with a little bit of Sugar-Free French Vanilla CoffeeMate
Glass of water, fish oil (omega 3) caplet.
*It was so friggin’ cute! I used Jack’s Special medium salsa – have you had it? Seriously, it is amazing. It’s my perfect salsa. It’s not watery, it’s fresh-tasting, but still the flavors blend enough so that I can’t taste the tomato. Yes, I’ll admit, I loathe tomatoes. They are the one food that I’ve tried that I cannot stand. And I’ve tried them several times in my many years on this Earth. My paternal grandmother was a stickler about getting me to like tomatoes; “Here, try this [tomato variety] – it tastes much [positive food adjective] than regular tomatoes!”. Sorry Grandma, I just can’t do it. In all honesty, I wish I liked them. It would make my life so much easier – they’re on everything! And I would love nothing more than to eat a tomato, mozzarella, and basil salad for the rest of my days. Or make my own salsa with roughly chopped fresh ingredients!? But I just can’t do it. Le sigh.
Okay, now I’m REALLY going to get ready to leave. I swear this time.
I’m embarking on a two hour drive to a friend’s house for Hokie Game Day! Yes, I am a Virginia Tech Alum, and one who goes nuts over football, at that. I’m meeting some old college friends that I haven’t seen in a while – there certainly won’t be any “reveals” today, but that’s okay. Sometimes when I’m facing these social circumstances I dread them, because they are the exact opposite of reveals: “Hey, look at how much weight I’ve gained!! I’ve really been working hard to achieve this bod, yeaahhhhh” and it’s embarrassing. One time in college I made up a phony excuse not to come home because we had a family member visit and I didn’t want that exact scenario to play out. It did again anyway at my college graduation, but that’s another sob story. Anyway, maybe that’s another little motivation, Not Hiding. It seems so silly, but I know you know what I’m talking about!
My biggest worry about today is the fare that goes along with foodball (typo, I swear to god, but it’s staying). I know my friend is grilling, so I’m guessing there will be hotdogs, hamburgers, etc. And I’m in charge of my own drinks, which, for a foodball game usually means beer.
(That second foodball I did it on purpose, and I’m totally keeping it! Like, “foodball! Arghhh!”*shakes fist* because it’s all about the challenge of being good to yourself and your health but enjoying the football rituals. It’s a new term, I’ve decided.)
Here’s my general gameplan to handle today responsibly, but still eat some football-fare. I’m going to snack/graze all day, not have two full meals before I go (I’m leaving after lunch), but have an egg here, some cottage cheese there, an apple at another location that isn’t here or there, you get the idea. And on the way down, I’m going to munch on carrots and celery. So that when I get there I’m not starving and I won’t dive headfirst into a plate of cheeseburgers.
For drinks, I think I’m gonna give MGD64 a try. I have a more refined beer palate than MGD, but, you can’t beat the 64 calories, and it’s something I can track – it’s right there in the name! Genius. And even in the unlikely event I knock back all six, (if we play the “Drink Like You’re Still In College!” game, which as we all know, even the winner loses) that’s only 384 calories. Now I say only, because if they were regular beers, that number would double. It’s a good compromise.
I don’t want to think of it in terms of “letting loose” or “enjoying myself” because that isn’t the right mindset to have – I can still relax and enjoy myself while being moderately healthy. The two aren’t mutually exclusive, and I definitely want a life where they aren’t.
I’m off to do laundry (ugh) and clean (ew) and watch the Hokies play! (YAH!)
Happy Foodballing to all!
PS: Sorry the post is parentheses-heavy, but that’s basically how my brain works, even when I’m not writing. I’ll be talking or thinking, and my train of thought does a 180 and I’ll be off on a tangent for who knows how long. I like to think of it as a character trait, like quirky or goofy. Some might call it ADD (no one in an official position to do so, has, though – HAH! See, I can’t even avoid parentheses when I’m apologizing for using parentheses too much). Whatever.
04 September 2009
Fashion: I consider myself moderately interested in fashion, but still a simple girl who spends too much money at Target. I just can’t wait to:
*Fit into the smaller sizes I have (I’m a 24 and I have every size down to a 12);
*Buy pants at “regular size” stores;
*Wear more heels;
*Wear strapless dresses (right now that would involve a complicated system of pulleys and levers)
I just want to have that effortlessly comfortable style I’ve built up in my head. I suppose this is where you tell me I should be doing all of these things now, anyway. I suppose you’re right, but now doesn’t quite match my mentally styled self, and that’s what I’m really aiming for, dreaming about, working towards.
Feelings, Emotions (EYE ROLL): Confidence. Happiness. Okay, just those two. I’m not getting dramatic today.
Social Things: These are the things I am most excited about.
*Not worrying about how much room I’m taking up on public transportation;
*Amusement park accessibility;
*Dating, OH MY GOD DATING;
*Liking the pictures I see of myself on fb (of course they aren’t all of apples, I’m a real person! With a body! And a face!);
*The little “reveals” when I see friends I haven’t seen in a while
I guess it all adds up to being the person I want to be. I honestly want to get to the point where I’m just…okay with myself. I want to be comfortable, so that I don’t have to breed negativity, and I can really focus positive energy on other people. That’s what really makes me happy, and I don’t think I’m doing the best possible job of it now when I’m so often blocked by my own negativity. But I guess that’s part of the reason why I’m here, to either write it out and get rid of it, and/or address it and move on, you get the idea. Wait, I think I said I wasn’t getting dramatic today. CRAP!
My dinner is colorful and visually appealing. And healthy. I would take a picture and post it, but, again, I cannot find my camera. Nertz.
I’m having a salad with spinach, blueberries, Almond Accents slivered almonds, a little bit of plain yogurt as dressing, and then a sprinkling of Splenda, because, plain yogurt is not tasty on its own. If I had vanilla flavored yogurt (Dannon’s Light and Fit Vanilla is really good) I would have used that.
So: fun salad, and I’m also having some more of my chicken/craisin/apple concoction from yesterday. And a glass of milk.
I also took a fish oil gelcap or supplement or, whatever the technical term is. Vitamin? Anyway, I’ve heard those are good for you, so I’m seeing what happens. Heart benefits, yadayada, but ooh, shinier hair and stronger nails? Sign me up!
MMM: I just had a bite of the salad. Verdict: Delish. I got the idea from a friend who had gotten a similar salad from Whole Foods. I think hers also had some nuts, and/or sunflower seeds, or flaxseed or something, and there was also arugula in hers. But I improvised with what I had!
I may have mentioned I’m unemployed. It’s only the thing I think and talk about all day and night, you may have heard me mention it. From January through mid-July of this year, I was so incredibly negative and hard on myself. I was in a really dark place. July was also the month I was distracted from myself and got out of my head momentarily with weddings and wedding-related travels. I have the most amazing group of friends who accept the bad parts of me right along with the good, and it was really refreshing to be spending a lot of time with them.
Right around that time, I snagged a phone interview. Didn’t get the job, but a phone interview was farther than I had gotten in seven months. It provided me with a little hope. I started making more phone calls about jobs, really working on my cover letters, seeking advice from fellow job-seekers, and I even sought out another organization to gain some more volunteer/intern experience.
Within two weeks, I had about three separate interview offers. When I was preparing for one particular interview, I was so stressed out and wound up that I went to the gym. I did just 30 minutes of cardio, but it calmed me down a little bit. Still, none of them worked out – though I got through two rounds of interviews for one of them, which, again, was farther than I had gotten in a long time.
So today, after getting back from the gym, what happens? I had an email sitting in my inbox about a phone interview. Boom.
I’m no scientist but this sequence of events is enough proof for me. It seems I won’t get anywhere with my job search unless I do other things that are good for myself. I actually believe (or, at least, it’s fun to believe) that the good feelings you get from doing right by yourself somehow translate into vibes that magically insert themselves into your job applications, or whatever your goal may be at the time.
If you hate yourself, and that’s what you’re focusing on, it’ll show through in everything you do. At least that’s how I’ve seen it work in my own life. So as I work out my own emotional issues, it’s nice to have distractions, and treating myself properly through healthy and creative eating and exercise is definitely a great distraction. So are friends.
As I mentioned, I went to the gym today! I’m proud of myself for going. I made myself a brand spanking new playlist, and off I went! I did 30 minutes of cardio – 20 on the treadmill (still only about 4 minutes was jogging, but I broke it up into smaller intervals and increased the pace each time) and 10 on the elliptical. Um, the elliptical is HARD. I had forgotten. It’s gonna take some patience to work up endurance for that machine.
Oh – another bonus of the working out? It gets me out of the damn house, which is always a step in the right direction.
I’m in my twenties, at the age when you shouldn’t live at your parents’ house anymore – and I do. I think that is the cause of 90% of my emotional issues right now – my parents are amazing and supportive, but I project my own shortcomings onto them and spend a good portion of the day in my room, hiding. It’s not their fault – they’re great – I know I’m acting poorly. Which irritates me even further. Cycles, you are the worst.
I’m trying to move out, though. I mentioned this earlier, but I’ve been unemployed for nine months. I quit my job two years ago to go back to school and get a post-graduate degree in something about which I am incredibly passionate. I had the time of my life in school, excelled and even spent time abroad. I graduated in January 2009, right as the economy tanked; that combined with what I suspect is not enough professional experiences has landed me here.
When I quit my job I was in the middle of a weight loss journey that was actually going really well, and it continued as I obtained my degree. I lost roughly 60 pounds, and I was happy about where I was heading professionally and in terms of my health.
And, as I’ve said, then I graduated and my phone didn’t ring. Like, ever. I’ve been volunteering in a few places to try and gain some experience, but still, nine months later, nothing. I’ve let it get to me in really poor ways. Spending nights thinking about how many Tylenol PMs it would take to sleep and not wake up, and spending days eating myself silly. Oh, before I go any further, please don’t be alarmed about the whole “suicidal thoughts” thing. Nights are bad for me, I would never actually do it. Seriously, I wouldn’t. I was just letting all the negative thoughts get to me, and there are a lot of them sometimes.
Anyway, for me, the worst part has been the eating. And so, I’ve gained back every pound I lost, plus a couple extra, just for funsies, I guess. It’s humiliating and depressing and wears me out just thinking about doing it all over again.
I know it’s important to actually care about yourself if you really want the results to last, so I’m trying to balance taking care of myself mentally as well as physically. It’s so easy for me to “default” back to treating myself poorly (both mentally and physically) and I’m really trying not to. Granted, it’s like my fourth day of this weight loss attempt, but at this point every day feels like seven. And a day at a time is really all I can do, anyway. Time space continuum, and all.
So here I am, trying.
Breakfast: A granola-type mixture. It’s pretty darn good.
I took one Nature Valley Honey n Oats packet (which is two bars) and crumbled it up. I added a sprinkling of Almond Accents Slivered Almonds, craisins, and added about three spoonfuls of plain yogurt, and then drizzled honey over all of it. Mixed it up, then added half a green apple, chopped, into the bowl. It is tasty.
I’m trying to eat it slowly so that I see how full I’m going to be after eating it. I’m used to some sort of bread with breakfast but I’m hoping the granola will count, and that the almonds will help with the fullness too. We’ll see. If not, I can always whip up an egg (substitute) or have a piece of fruit to go with it. If I need it, I’ve only had like five bites of my breakfast. Settle.
Like many attempting to lose weight, this is not the first time I’ve done this. Last time, I was fairly successful, but then I let life get me down. Anyway, last time I also did a fair bit of writing, but it was all in private, non-online journals (Gasp! Writing! With a pen!) that I kept to myself and hoped my parents never accidentally opened.
I decided to go back and read my previous thoughts, and see what still works and what isn’t so great this time around.
From my first entry, February 2007.
“Maybe some days I’ll count calories. Some days I won’t. I’ll go to the gym, but not every day. I need to let go of strict rule and just focus on…focusing. Rules make me want to break them. I need to make better choices.”
“You can’t view this as a punishment. This is a great thing I’m doing for myself. I should be just as proud of this as I am about applying to grad schools. Losing this amount of weight (Editors note: I was just at the beginning, I hadn’t lost anything yet!) is impressive and it will drastically improve my life. I am proud of myself. “
“It feels like going to the gym is the equality of saying ‘I’m fat and I need to lose weight’…GYM = living healthfully and treating my body positively!”
Ah, and that was only part of day one. And, if you would please be so kind as to excuse weird sentence structure and switching “you” and “I” quite often. They say write what you know, and one thing I don’t know is any formal style of writing. But I know how I felt, and how I feel now. Looking back at all of that, I definitely believed it for a while, but in the end I did get obsessive over calorie counting - for meals and exercise.
There are definitely things there I need to remember, though - especially the part about this not being a punishment. I had honestly forgotten about that, and it was good to read it now. I’ve never been good at doing healthy things for myself, because I just don’t have the self-respect or self-worth that I should - and then of course we beat ourselves up for not having said self-respect or self-worth and the cycle continues. Le sigh.
So for me, it’s really about finding the balance between taking it easy but still focusing on what I’m doing, eating, and exercising. It all matters, but in the end I matter most, right? Whatever that means.
03 September 2009
I make this chicken salad with craisins, and I usually have it as a sandwich with apple slices and lettuce (all on the sandwich), along with a mountain (literally, a mountain) of chips. That’s what I wanted. But it’s not what I ate.
I chopped up half a granny smith apple and mixed it with the chicken, low-fat mayo (I made sure to use just enough to barely coat the chicken) and craisins, and ate it as is, without the bread and chips. My parents had made a separate dinner for themselves earlier, so before I sat down for the chicken salad, I ate half of a salmon patty (the whole thing was about the size of my palm), about 1/3 cup of roast potatoes, and maybe the same amount of this weird fennel/cabbage/onion slaw. I’m not really sure about the nutritional value of any of them, but I was still happy that I just picked at them a little – instead of getting a plate and loading it up anyway and finding ways to excuse myself from being at fault.
I feel full, I think. Happy, more than anything, that I managed to keep from sabotaging myself. At least one more day. Or twelve more hours, or something.
…are you sitting down?
I actually did what I said I was going to do. It’s the small victories, people. I hopped on the treadmill for 20 minutes, only 4:30 of which was jogging, but that’s enough to start with. I weigh 260 - I’m not Flo Jo. Then I used a few weight machines, for about 20 minutes. Then back on the treadmill for 15, all walking.
It’s a good start for me, I’m happy with what I did. Often I beat myself up for not doing enough, because I hold unrealistic expectations for myself. I’m trying to not do that this time around. I went to the gym, I worked out, I broke a sweat, and I feel a little sore. That’s good.
I do need workout playlist help, though. It hasn’t been updated in a long time, and only currently has five songs on it. This isn’t really helpful, and I’ve grown tired of the songs. I think I might do a little research and see what other people listen to and spice up my own.
I haven’t eaten dinner yet. Which is also to say, I haven’t eaten since breakfast (though it was around 10:30AM). I know this is a problem, and I usually don’t let this much time pass in between eating something. I had to leave around 12:45 for a meeting in my nearby city, and didn’t get back into my town/the gym until 4:15PM, and I didn’t get home until 5:30PM. Next time I’ll bring a little bar or a piece of fruit to eat.
Anyway, stay tuned for the dinner update.
Um, what was the point of this? Oh, right, breakfast. Excellent transition, if I do say so myself.
About ¾ of a cup of low fat cottage cheese.
1 piece of toast, whole wheat/whole grain bread
On top of the aforementioned toast, one Laughing Cow Light cheese wedge, spread.
On top of toast and cheese spread, egg substitute…thing, I guess, fried (?) but I only used Pam to cook it. Over-hard, maybe? I don’t understand egg preparations.
A smidge of ketchup on the egg/cheese/bread creation.
Cup of coffee with a little bit of Sugar-Free French Vanilla Coffee-Mate
I have no idea what the calorie count for this is, nor do I care to know. I don’t want it to be about measuring and calories and science, at least not right now. Measuring out your food isn’t realistic. For me this is about healthy eating, choosing foods that are beneficial to me. Long lasting health a diet does not make. I do know that the cottage cheese and bread are the highest in calories, but I’m okay with it because they’re pretty healthy with fiber and protein and what not.
I chose these foods either because I know that they are good for me, and/or they are low calorie versions of their fuller-fat siblings but still taste good. And believe me, I do not make that endorsement lightly. It irritates the hell out of me when people say “Oh, just drink water with a fingernail’s worth of Splenda mixed in, it tastes just like cake! Yummy!” …Bullshit. I call bullshit. No, it doesn’t. And punishing myself in such a way is only going to drive me to said cake quicker. Also, grown adults using the word “yummy” does things to my central nervous system you wouldn’t believe.
(Oh, okay, fine, I know coffee isn’t the healthiest, but it is DELICIOUS. Have you tasted it? Seriously. And I do believe stimulates your metabolism, no? I mean, nothing long-lasting but I’ll take it. I’ve heard green tea is good for the metabolism also. Maybe I’ll give that a try during the day sometime.)
02 September 2009
I am super good at this, you guys.
Okay, maybe I'll give a little effort.Even though it's at night and that is not prime results time*, I'm doing it anyway.
*goes to bathroom, steps on scale, shouts obscenities*
260.6 - that is officially the most I have ever weighed in my life. The last time I embarked on a weight loss journey (the 2007-2008 time frame I mentioned earlier) I started at 258. So, not that much of a difference, but it still smarts quite a bit. I have been avoiding the scale for just this reason.
If you're curious, that pans out to a size 24.
You ever take a step back and thing, holy god, I wear a size TWENTY FOUR? I spend most of my time trying not to think about it and concentrate on my image of myself in my head, and while MentalVersion is still big, she's still considerably smaller than RealLifeVersion.
So if we're in the business of setting goals, that means that by September of Two Thousand and Ten A.D., I will weigh 160.6. I will still be overweight for my height, but a hell of a lot happier. I'm not one of those women who is hell bent on weighing 110 and wearing a bikini and looking like Heidi Klum when I wake up in the morning. The smallest I've been in the last two years was 195, and I felt amazing. So 16o should feel pretty damn good. If I can just stick to it and try.
100 in 12 works out to be about 8 pounds a month, or two pounds a week, which is a healthy and realistic amount. Though it requires consistent results, which I've had trouble with in the past.
But here we go. September 09: 260.6
*If you're curious, my usual method of weighing myself is to do it once a week, usually in the morning. Always on the same day, and most often without clothing, and after going to the bathroom. I know, I'm not a wrestler, but I'm a vain woman who tries to shave off any spare ounce I can through trickery.
01 September 2009
From 2007-2008 I lost about 50 pounds. I had quit my job to go back to school for my Masters in something I loved, and I was excelling and involved in school and gaining internship experiences and the world was my oyster. The economy tanked right around my graduation. I’ve been unemployed for almost nine months now. Unless you count eating my feelings as a job, then I’m Bill Mutherfucking Gates.
This stretch of unemployment has effected my psyche in incredibly negative ways you can’t even imagine. I’m trying to not make this a “listen to me whine about my emotions as an excuse for my eating habits” blog, but, well, listen to me whine about my emotions about how they affect my eating habits, won’t you?
It’s a vicious cycle. My horrid (which is to say, lack of an) emotional well-being keeps me beat down, insecure and hating myself, so I have no reason to want to treat myself properly. Those emotions feed on themselves and I find myself feeding…on everything.
Wouldn’t this be the time for you to get your ass in gear over something you can actually control, like how much you eat and how often you exercise, you ask? Well, if I was practical and emotionally rational then I wouldn’t be overweight in the first place, now would I? (side note: answering self-provoked questions with other sarcastic questions…ah, defense mechanisms, is there nothing you can’t deflect?)
In the last week I’ve polished off the rest of the chocolate stash I’ve had under my bed, but managed to keep myself away from buying more, at least. Have you ever known an alcoholic, or heard one talk about how the disease manifests itself in his/her life? Sometimes I feel like that, but with food. The secret stashes, the eating alone, the escapism from my problems with food, making excuses for the way I eat or living in a fantasy world and ignoring the truth as it stands right in front of me.
I’ve done Weight Watchers three separate times, so it’s not like I haven’t tried group meetings to manage my “addiction”. I don’t particularly like groups. I suppose Weight Watchers is good because it shames you into losing weight, as you have to be accountable to a stranger onto whom you project your feelings of judgment. Bitterness, thy name is 100in12.