This isn’t exactly how I wanted my first post back to go, but I have to just get this out.
First, though, the biggest thank-you for all of your comments on my meltdown, and for not running me right out of the internet with torches and pitchforks for all the moping and the big pity party I threw for myself. Thank you. I’m still not doing well, but I’m slowly coming back. I started drinking water again, took vitamins, and had a good breakfast and lunch today – and I’m giving myself credit for that.
The reason I’m writing this is because of the interesting conversation I just had with my mother. She comes into the living room where I’m sitting and after asking me what I had made in the kitchen (fries…I know but that’s another post) she starts in on asking me if I’m giving up, or how long I’m going to be doing this, something to that effect.
I told her – “Yes, I’m having a bad weekend. I’m well aware that I’m not eating well. But it’s not your place to tell me what to do or what not to do or how to react to my life – it’s my place. I know what I’m doing and just because I have a bad weekend doesn’t mean it’s all over. During the first time around there were plenty of months, weeks, and/or days when I wasn’t on track and I took a break. But you learn from it and it doesn’t mean it’s over."
She launched into (once again) how she’s afraid no one will hire me (TOO FUCKING SOON, MA) and how my general appearance matters. She also (later on towards the end of our “talk”) mentioned she noticed I “stopped going” to the gym.
Well fuck me. (and I didn't say this, but also in regard to the gym: it’s been a god damned week, lady. BACK OFF)
I told her – “I know this isn’t how you mean it, but part of that translates to me as you don’t accept me for who I am and, more specifically, what I look like. If there is one place in the world where I am allowed to make mistakes and be myself, it should be at home.”
If I start feeling like I can’t be myself, that’s the end of the damn line right there.
She kept on going too, but eventually I just told her if she wants to support me, she can do it by keeping her distance on this.
I hope I’m expressing myself in the right way here – it’s not like I’m thrilled that I’m doing this to myself, but I can see the forest for the trees. I know this isn’t the end. I am the same person I was a week ago that I am right now.
And the thing is, this time around, I’m trying to work with my flaws rather than against them. To be quite honest with you and myself, a lot of times when my mom tells me to do something that I know I need to do but don't really want to, it just makes me want to not do it that much more. The only-child-brat inside of me wants to do the exact opposite, even though the level headed young adult side knows she's right. And I'm working on that. But right now, at this moment, I need her to not say ANYTHING because otherwise it's just going to go badly. I'm not going to react like a mature adult that handles such criticism gracefully.
Yes, quite often I can’t handle criticism, and I am emotionally immature and often still feel (and sometimes act) like a 16 year old. I can’t change all this overnight AND lose weight AND change my life AND AND AND. If I try to tackle them all at once I’ll fail and give up or I’ll freeze from intimidation and never get anywhere. I know myself and I want this to work. There are so many goddamned things I don’t like about who and where I am in life, and I’m trying to work through them slowly and work with them with full awareness that I want to eventually change or eradicate them.
I know she meant it because she cares, but it’s my program, my journey (what am I, on a reality show?) and my mistakes and successes, not anyone else’s. I lay enough guilt on myself as it is, I don’t need any outside pressure. And there are a million other little reasons why her “concern” (her words) piss me off, just things on which you’ll have to trust me when I write all this.
Has anyone else been through anything similar? Do you have that person whose advice you just don’t want on certain topics?
(PS I did weigh myself and I'm at 218.4...so I'm back up. But it's not over. Even though I'm still royally pissed off. Serenity now?)