Highweigh to Hell

(While I do love AC/DC, this is the Glee Cast version! I have, of course, been listening to the newest Glee songs nonstop. HOW FUN was the Madonna episode. PS Like a Prayer is my favorite Madge song and I was so happy they sang it. Loved their version.)

Weight this AM:

204.6!

A nice 3 pound loss from last week. Hooray! I’d say I earned it. Lots of water, a leeetle more exercise, healthy food choices, no booze, all that good stuff.

I don’t think I’ll be able to pull off 4.6 pounds before next week’s May weigh-in, which is fine. I know I’ll be close and I know I’ll hit Onderland IN May. So that’ll be good. I just need to keep trying and keep making good decisions and exercising and the numbers and pants sizes will follow.

And now, I write about my emotions, far too early on a Monday morning.

This isn’t an unheard of topic, but, it’s something on my mind now that I’m nearing Onederland: fear of success. Many of you/us talk about the fear of what happens next, after we reach a big goal or inch closer towards it every day. Being large is a safety net – we can say “I would do this but I’m too big” or “The fact that I’m this size is keeping me from doing *insert activity or whatever here*” but…when that’s taken away, we don’t have any more excuses. Will I get less funny the thinner I get? Will dating really be that much easier? Will I have the courage to try new things, when it’s more likely a fear of failure or looking stupid, rather than a fear of being fat that is keeping me from doing them?

Anyway, I’m bringing these things up to sort of…prepare myself? To put it out there so I don’t fall into these traps.

*
During SWL1 (Successful Weight Loss 1.0 – from 2007 to July of 2009 I lost 65 pounds) I got down to 197 in August of 08. I felt so great and I wrote in my journal at the time “I am NEVER going back to above 200!” and what did I do a few weeks later? You guessed it. The scale went up and KEPT going up until July of 09.

Now, there was a LOT that was going on in my life that affected me emotionally and I let it completely crush any motivation I had. I had lost the weight that put me under 200 while I was in London. I was living my dream. Working for an arts organization, in London, not living with my parents, I was just. me. I have never been happier than in those two months. And a ton of weight came off. I was eating well and walking everywhere. Even when the tube was available and we were given our transportation stipend…I walked. Just to do it. God I loved it.

Anyway, so I come back home, rode the London high for about a week, and then stopped eating well and exercising. I was so depressed to be back home. To be a dependent. To be still so closely tied to my parents, knowing full well that I should have been out on my own by then. There were additional issues happening then too that greatly contributed to my lack of emotional health, but this was a big factor. Sigh. And the weight slowly crept up, and then it shot up in Jan-July of 09.

I had the opportunity to look at things positively – to capitalize on my time in London and keep it going, even though I didn’t like the circumstances I was returning to. It’s not like they weren’t the same ones that I was living in two months prior before I left. I’m no psychologist, but maybe I let myself get bogged down in my emotions (I’m cutting myself a little slack because at that point, and definitely from Jan-July 09, I think my depression was pretty, uh, robust) and allowed myself to gain weight – some part of me was afraid of weighing less and less.

*

I haven’t weighed under 200 in maybe 7 or 8 years? I’m a little scared of the responsibility that comes with it, to be honest. The second half of my journey (the next 50 pounds) is harder – it’s harder to lose weight the smaller you get, and I’m afraid of the struggle. I’m afraid of how much harder I’m going to have to work and I’m scared of not being able to do it.

So I’m coming up on Onederland…and I find out this week or next whether or not I got that job. If I get it, it means I can make plans to move out. Now, the interview went well and (I looked snazzy thanks to you all, by the by. I went with the jacket and the coral top. Thank you for all your input! The coral was the one I had in my mind to begin with and I’m glad the majority vote was with me!) there is nothing I could have done better. But if I don’t get it…I have no other prospects on the horizon.

I just don’t want any potentially disappointing news to trigger anything – to then allow myself to be sent into a tailspin that involves reintroducing my hidden food stash under my bed, being anti-social and generally snarl-y.

Bleh. But that’s just something I wanted to get out. What I can do right now is just be mindful this week and make good choices. (and BLOG MORE, geeeeez!)

Waiting for My Meal Life to Begin

Looking in the mirror this morning (at home and in the bathroom at work) I’m starting to feel more like myself. I think this seems to be the threshold of weight where I start to “emerge” from myself. Anything above, I kind of feel like an inanimate blob. But now, I’m just starting to feel like a person who is overweight. I think that’s kind of a huge thing. I know I shouldn’t even be of the mind to begin with, but it’s nice to start coming out of it.

Also, I have these Lane Bryant pants I wore today...they’re size 22 and WAY too big on me for me to be wearing out in public. I mean, I’m wearing size 18 jeans comfortably, but it’s always nice to see my change in sizes reinforced!

During SWL1 I only got down to the tippytiptopperson of wearing 16s. I was at 197 and most of my 18s were too big, and I could only baaarely fit into one pair of my 16s. I really want to get to those 16s. I know it’s a ways away, but it’s really kind of a mini-goal of mine. I can’t remember wearing 16s. To me that’s almost a “normal” size, at least relative to my own experiences in the past 6 years or so!

PS – I am preparing you now – I need some help with choosing an outfit for an interview I have coming up Thursday. I’m going to have a fashion show on the ol’ blog tomorrow night. Usually Mother100in12 gives me her honest opinion on outfits but she’s (along with Father100in12) still down in Florida! …no doubt mocking the weather we’re having here. But anyway, just be ready for that tomorrow evening!

Breakfast:

*1 Vanilla Chobani with ¾ cup Kashi Honey Sunshine cereal mixed in

Snack:

*1 multi-grain Arnold’s Thin with 1.5 tbsp The Bees Knees PB&Co

Lunch:

*sandwich: 3 slices turkey breast, 1-2 tbsp red pepper hummus, small handful of baby spinach, 1 garlic naan
*9 baby carrots
*half a red pepper cut in thin slices
*serving of all-bran garlic & herb crackers

Snack:

*BlueBran VitaTop
*half a pink lady apple

*cup of coffee around 3pm…how long has it been since I had coffee? At least a week. (another at 3:30! Sweet sweet nectar…) total of 3 half&half things, totaling 45 calories, and ½ a splenda packet, 0 cals but aspartame…ewwwww

Dinner:

*salad: chicken breast, spinach, ¼ cup of each: goat cheese crumbles, craisins, pomegranate seeds.

(had over a gallon of water today, plus 2 or 3 cups of green tea, I can’t remember! I write it down at work and then…forget to bring it home with me. Meh.)

Ain’t Nothing Like the Meal Thing

So, I had an interview today, and I think it went well but I don't want to jinx it or get my hopes up so I'm going to leave it at that except to explain one quick thing - the reason I went on this interview is because I was passed over on a different job within the same organization. My Original Interviewer passed my resume onto Today's Interviewer. So Today's Interviewer tells me that I was passed over by Original Interviewer because she thought I would grow out of the position too quickly. As in, maybe I was meant for better things.

Original Interviewer called me again today to tell me that she really liked me, and that she hopes she gets to work with me. And even if I don't get this new job with Today's Interviewer, she was calling to ask my permission to pass my resume along within the organization if other opportunities present themselves.

*
I have been unemployed for almost a full year. My last day of work was December 18th, 2008. Seriously, almost 12 months. 365 incredibly painful days. (Not counting temp work here!) 

From January through July I didn't even get any phone calls. NONE. That's also when I gained all my weight back (60 pounds) from SWL1. And then in August I started getting interviews, and I've been consistently interviewing since then, for about 4 months.

That was enough for a while, but then it starts getting to you again. Yeah I'm interviewing, but why aren't I actually landing any of the jobs? Am I not good enough?? Is it the way I look?? I've been trying to keep those thoughts away but they definitely creep in, especially when I have to tell friends or family for the zillionth time that I didn't get this job or that job...

*

My point in telling you allllllll of this is because today, even if I don't get this job with Today's Interviewer (he's interviewing quite a number of other candidates) I will know that I have Original Interviewer in my corner and I made a good impression. Maybe she was just saying all of that as routine let-you-down-easy-speak, but I feel she really meant it. (If you work in HR or have experience with hiring and this is a routine line, please don't tell me! I want to be happy in my assumptions haha!) I felt good. I felt valued. And I haven't felt that in relation to a job in a long time.

So that was a great outcome of today regardless of getting the new job or not. And that's a nice thing to come away with.

(Oh and SomedaySkinnyMinnie, I know you asked and I keep meaning to tell you, the field I'm in is Arts Administration/Management - working with/for arts non-profits like symphonies, theatres, museums, or orgs that promote arts education or use the arts for community development, that kinda stuff!)

Okay getting away from the warm fuzzies and on to the standards!

I didn't go to the gym today...I should have. I tweeted about it! But then I made an awesome lunch instead and then made holiday cards and hung some ornaments on our tree and hung out with my parents. I'm happy with my choice. After all, my parents are leaving in less than a month to go be Snowbirds for 4 months..and despite all the Talk that I talk, I will miss them a bit :-) I have to get in the quality time while I can!

Vitamins – check!

Water – 92oz today. Hah, that's low for me these days - but it's okay, I was kinda busy making holiday cards and what not :-)

Breakfast:

*I started to make/eat pumpkin oatmeal with quick-cooking oats, pumpkin puree and nutmeg and cinnamon, but I really didn’t like it. I added some unsweetened applesauce which helped, but ultimately gave up. I probably ate a cup in total.
*I then switched to a pumpkin waffle instead :-)
*cup of coffee, black.

Snack:

*gala apple

Lunch:

*fish taco: tortilla wrap, chopped romaine lettuce, grilled tilapia seasoned with Old Bay, mango salsa
*biiig glass of milk (two cups)

Dinner:

*cup veggie crunchers
*wrap: … I really am a creature of habit… 100 calorie whole wheat wrap, chicken with mayo, 1 LCL wedge, honey mustard, 10 bread and butter pickles, big handful of baby spinach, a little bit of diced onion.

Losing My Weigh

Monday morning, we meet again. My old frenemy The Scale and I had the following conversation this morning:

Me: Hey, what do I weigh now?

Scale: 234.4

Me: K Thanks, bye!

Scale: ...... (it's a scale, he/she can't talk)


What did you expect, JackSh*t-calibur wit and creativity? Ha! Nope.

But anyway, 234.4! That's good! I'm lucky I kepy my eating under control. But also, I think the .8 loss from last week was probably a little more than that, and it was more evenly distributed from these two weeks. Maybe water weight or a funky scale moment or something.

Regardless, I'm down 3.4 pounds this week! And I'm also gonna go ahead and move on to the next month, because I'm fidgety and I like to move on, plus I can italicize/green-font-ify that next mark, and who doesn't like doing that!? And maybe I'll give myself that extra week for November as the holidays roll around - though, as I read on somebody's blog whom I'm now forgetting - the holidays are ONE DAY. Thanksgiving, Halloween, Christmas - ONE DAY. They don't demand weeks of eating in preparation. I suppose we all have holiday parties and other similar events, but it all comes down to one day, or what, like 3 days over the holiday season - 2 if we don't count Halloween. Yeesh!

I don't know how I feel about Halloween this year. I've been largely ignoring it thus far, which, may be my answer. During SWL1 I think I cycled through 2 Halloweens. During the first one I was so proud of myself because I didn't. want. candy. I was adamant about it. But Halloween came, and we had a HUGE bag leftover because my parents buy too much which I suspect is done on purpose. That's when it became tough. I can talk a big game and it's all gravy (or butterfingers and milk duds, in this case) until it's sitting right in front of me.

A few days later I remember grabbing a few pieces from the bowl, and my dad came into the kitchen, saw what I had and said "So, you're giving up on the whole thing, then?" and I remember getting so mad. I still don't like the way he phrased it - "giving up" was so harsh. And it doesn't take into account that I can't be perfect all the time. But it DID take into account how I could have only taken one piece, or found another way to feel indulgent.

I can't remember if it was last year or a different Halloween, but one of the years I know my parents hid the candy, and I suspect it was from me. It was before the 31st, and I was looking in all our usual storage places to find the candy, to see if it had been opened yet. My parents usually always open it before the 31st, and a few pieces are taken here and there. If I found the bag already opened, it was OPEN SEASON for me! But if it was still closed, I would wait so that all of the blame could not be put on me.

The fact that they hid it made it that much more desirable and I spent days looking for it. I finally found it - and it wasn't open. I didn't take any, just left it in its hiding spot and walked away. I think at that point it was more about finding it, saying to myself/my parents "See, I found it but I'm not going to dive into it and come up with wrappers in my ears like you thought" and backing off. I don't even remember if I ate any post-Halloween - I just remember, if my parents are HIDING the candy in all likelihood because of my tendencies to eat half the bag, that's on ME, not on them.

So who knows about this year. I haven't been looking for candy, nor have I naturally come across it. And I guess I'd rather not. And I'd also rather not be in the house on Halloween, either. To just not be near the candy, but also because we get fewer trick-or-treaters every year, except the stupid high school/middle school kids who put on an inside-out sweatshirt and temporary hair dye and think it's a costume and come back like 4 times. Not Cool. If you're gonna do it, put some effort into it! I did it in high school, and we went as Alice in Wonderland characters, as a group. It was awesome. Respect the rules of the holiday, is what I'm saying!

The next time...

Okay, I’m just gonna put it out there. I want to be The Hot Friend. Or The Hot New Girl, or what have you. You know what I mean – at a friend’s wedding, the hot single friend that guys talk to, or having the opportunity to “meet someone” when you hang out with friends of friends, or similar situations. Hell, even at work maybe, if we don’t consider the pros and/or cons of office dating.

I spent almost the whole day with FakeKevin today – just the two of us. We had a fairly good time, though he got some bad personal news over the phone that made the second half of our day kind of awkward. But no one can be blamed for that, it happens. When I found out we would be paired together I was simultaneously excited and disappointed. Excited because he’s effing hot, and disappointed because there is nothing there between us (from his perspective, anyway). Were I 80 pounds lighter, I think I might have a chance - whether you want to base that on looks or my own confidence in them - they're both contributing factors to how we view the sex/gender we are attracted to.

Anyway the whole thing just got me thinking – after a summer of weddings where there have been cute single people, I come up empty handed. Or this two week job thing when I am working closely with a group of people many of whom are young, including FakeKevin, but it's clearrrrrrly a NO. And that’s not to say that every healthy-looking single person that goes to a wedding or meets a group of new people automatically comes away with a boyfriend – I’m just trying to say that…I don’t know what I’m trying to say exactly. (do you? I apparently could use some help.)

Just for once. I want to be The Hot Girl that goes to her friend’s wedding or *insert function/event/place here*, meets her friend’s friend and connect with him. The Hot Girl knows that he’s a good guy because she can trust her friends’ judgement, and I’m sure there’s some sort of transitive property that proves that we will have similar/overlapping interests somewhere.

I feel like I’ve wasted all of these opportunities to meet a guy and make something of it, because I’ve been too big to be noticed/confident in myself. And I’m worrying when these kinds of situations are going to run out. That’s not to say this is the only way to meet someone, I just have all of these kinds of events in this stage in my life at the moment and it would be nice to be noticed. And, yes, maybe make out with someone a little bit. God, I miss that. TMI? Whatever. I claim Honest Scrap (it’s like Blog Sanctuary)

I guess…it’s nice to be noticed. And to be flirted with. It’s one of those things that makes you feel human. And yes, I'll say it, it's a nice little slice of validation. During SWL1, I didn’t feel like I was a human being until I got around 195 pounds. Before then I treated myself as a fat blob. A fat, inanimate blob. But at 195, I became an overweight person. Overweight, yes, but a PERSON nonetheless. That was such a Moment for me – when I realized I felt like a person. Simple yet incredibly meaningful. I was walking with my head up, not down at my feet. I found myself smiling at guys I thought were cute. I was naturally happy and wanted to make others feel the way I felt. I existed; I was valuable; I deserved respect and love.

This time around, it still holds true even as I gain confidence from the progress so far. I was walking down the street last week and I was thinking to myself about how I liked what I was wearing and it looked good on me. And then a minute later I saw my reflection – it was fat. That’s all I could focus on, was the protruding stomach, big thighs, kinda saggy but huge boobs, and several chins. Not a person – just a bunch of fat.

It may not be right, but my self-worth is very much connected to what I weigh/look like. What I continue to lose in pounds I gain in confidence in myself. I know so many people say that you have to love the body you have and be comfortable with yourself before you can really make a solid, long lasting change – I honestly don’t know if I can do that.

Anyway I think I’m veering into a different blog post, but my point is, I just want to be noticed. And I want to be confident enough to be willing to be noticed.

Hilariously Predictable.

I feel very good right now. I definitely pushed myself at the gym today. First I hopped on the elliptical and did a 30 minute course with an additional five minute cool down. I’ve never done a course before – I figured it would push me to do more than I normally would, and BOY DID IT. I did one of the hill climb ones and it definitely got me sweating and breathing heavy! (twss!) After the elliptical I went and did some weight machines, and pushed up the weight amounts a little bit. I alternated leg and arm/chest machines, and I already can’t remember how many I did. I got home like 20 minutes ago…this is a problem! I need to take ginko biloba for serious.

Anyway, should I also take a supplement for focusing on what I’m talking about? So back at the gym during my weights business, I was trying to adjust one of the machines and it wasn’t cooperating, so I just gave up (the butt one) on it, and noticed my heart rate had all but dwindled to nothing so I hopped on the treadmill for five minutes, 3:30 of which were jogging – and at my highest rate. Here’s the embarrassing part for me – that rate is 5mph! I know that’s barely jogging for most, but I was feeling it. Previous to today I’ve jogged at that rate for two minutes at most. So if we’re in the business of comparing (which I shouldn’t be, but I’m human!) it wasn’t a lot but it is to me!

Anyway, then I was back to do a few more machines and my workout was a grand total of an hour and twenty minutes! Definitely happy with that, and I can feel it in the ol’ muscles.

---

For those of you just tuning in, this is my second go round of a serious weight loss attempt. My first Successful Weight Loss, or SWL1, was from 2007 to 2008. I lost about 60 pounds. During that time I wrote in a journal almost every day, doing exactly what I'm doing now just sans internet. Anyway, look at what I wrote on day 31 (so, about a month, just like now) of SWL1:

"I went to the gym...I ran at a new top speed! It was only for a couple of minutes but jogging/running is definitely something I can work up to gradually. I did skip a couple of machines. With the exception of the jogging, I feel like I'm not really pushing myself. I'm doing what I know I can do - maybe I should try and push myself to do the things I think I can't. Like doing a fourth set or adding more weight. This might be another little wall I need to burst through"

Haha, are you kidding?!?! Am I that predictable!?! Hilarious.

Listening to: I Want to Break Free – Queen (Greatest Hits Album…does anyone love this like I do?? I know have an odd taste in music related to my age, but...come on! Queen! )

Buckle up, it's gonna be a bumpy one.

So yesterday on my SP blog, I got a comment from a lovely and beautiful SPerson (hi, Melissa!), and she mentioned that I’m not eating enough. And you know what? She’s totally right. I know I’m not getting enough calories. I think I’m making good food choices, but I’m not eating enough. Part of me is wary and concerned, and the other part is okay with it, risks included.

I don’t even know where to start, there is so much behind this. Basically, the part that is okay with it feels that way because, in three weeks, I will have some family visiting. I have a history with them and though I love them with every fiber of my being, they have the remarkable ability to make me feel like absolute crap about the way I look. Not that I don’t already feel that way, but it’s like they hold up a mirror and say “You look terrible” and I resent it.

I have always worshipped the ground this family walked on. Always. They are constantly talking about their personal trainer, or the healthy foods they eat – and they have always been the cool, hip, fun, successful people we know. I have always desperately wanted their approval or praise or recognition. These aren't things they actually demanded of me, and it’s probably more like my own projections onto them, but they have always been the barometer of my own self-image.

When I graduated college they came to the ceremony. It had been two years since they had seen me, but in that time I had gained a lot of weight. The day they got there, I was watching from my window as their car pulled up – I ran to the door and waved as they got out of the car. I will never forget this: there were a few seconds of hesitation before they waved back. They didn’t recognize me. I tried to let it roll off my back as we hugged and exchanged hellos, but I could see the pity in their faces. It killed me. I wouldn’t wish that feeling or that situation on my worst enemy. Frankly it ruined graduation for me. At a time when I should be so proud of myself, I couldn’t think of anything but those seconds of hesitation and the way that they looked at me.

A few months later after I was back at home and those family members had also returned home, my mom told me that one of them, after seeing me, had wanted to sit me down and talk to me about how much I weighed. An intervention! Well, like I didn’t feel like crap before! I hope it was out of love, but it also made me feel like my size was a qualifier for their love. I understand wanting someone you love to be healthy, but to me it felt more like a criticism of my weight and ‘what’s wrong with you’ not, ‘we love you and what can we do to help’.

The whole point of SWL1 was because I was in that person’s wedding. The family wedding would have been the first time I had seen them all since that college graduation and I didn’t want a repeat. By the time the wedding rolled around I was about 50 pounds lighter than when I started, but only maybe 10-15 pounds lighter than what I weighed during that college graduation weekend. I was still really proud of my 50 pounds though, and that got me through it. I got a lot of nice compliments from other family members about how pretty I looked, and that felt good.

So that brings us to now. They’re coming in three weeks and they have never seen me weigh this much. If they thought I looked bad then, what in the sweet holy hell are they going to think now??? Usually I would tell myself that I’m blowing it out of proportion, that it’s really not so bad. But I have never forgotten graduation and I probably won’t for a really long time – it’s enough emotional evidence for me to be stressed about it.

So it’s stressful and I’m scared and part of me thinks that if I can get any shred of confidence from three or four weeks of weight loss before they get here, then maybe that’ll get me through their visit. If they bring it up, I can present numbers and pounds lost and that will deflect any commentary on my current weight. Or maybe if I tell them the real reason for my weight gain, crippling depression from not getting a job, they’ll feel bad and stop talking to me about it all.

Now, I didn’t set out last week to say “I’m going to not eat enough so that I lose a lot of weight quickly so the family will approve of me” – but that has to be the reason. It’s all I think about. I’m not saying it’s right. In fact, I know it isn’t. It’s fucked up in a lot of ways. So am I, I guess. I realize how pathetic putting one’s self-worth in the hands of other people is. I think I learned a lot of this from my mother, but I won’t get into that. It’s the internet, not a therapist’s couch.

So that was a lot to unload. Sorry for the heaviness of it, but it’s weighing on me quite a bit. Oh, weight loss wordplay, is there any post you can’t wrap up successfully?

Oh yeah, I'm on sunshine baby

If you remember when I weighed myself Wednesday of last week and came away with the 260.6, I had done it at night after a day of eating and not much else. I usually weigh myself Monday mornings. They say you’re supposed to weigh yourself in the morning because that’s when you’re at your lightest. Sign me UP. Okay, get to the point, me.

I’m saying that I was probably more like 257 or 258 last week, because when I tell you that I stepped on the scale this morning and it read:

253.2

(!!!!!!!!!!!!)I was stoked beyond belief, but also skeptical. There is no way it’s a seven pound loss – it’s probably closer to 4 or 5. BUT STILL! I’m takin’ it!

And I swear, this happens every time, whenever I feel light and airy and think the numbers will actually reflect that, I gain weight. But if I’m stepping on the scale feeling heavy and gross, I will have lost weight. It’s the weirdest thing. And sure enough, I felt like a boulder this morning, and yet, check out that number!

That’s a good way to start a day, don’t you think?

This week I need to make sure I don’t rest on my laurels!

It doesn’t help that my gym is closed today because of Labor Day. Maybe I’ll find time to dance around my room today and either use hand-weights or that weight band thing I have. I’m not really a big exercise video person, though I do have a couple of pilates videos. Sometimes I feel like it’s just glorified rolling around on the floor, but I’m pretty sure that’s because I’m doing it wrong. Anyway, maybe I’ll figure out some kind of exercise to do today. And not eat because I’m bored!

Also: I added a guideline for myself over yonder on the right side, for month-by-month calculations. If I stick to those numbers I will achieve my goal! I did the same for SWL1 and it always motivated me. It helps me visualize the end results, but understand that it only happens with the smaller victories along the way.

And I joined Twitter. Fun times.


What I’m listening to: Oh Happy Day – Sister Act II Soundtrack (don’t you judge!!!! hahaha)