healthy and happy. one of these days.

13 November 2011

feeling down.

I know nobody reads this because I have been MIA, but in advance  please forgive this post for sounding overly only-child-ish and stream-of-consciousness-ish.

I'm not doing great. The only positive thing I've got going health wise is a self-imposed ban on all non-grocery store foods. Of course that still doesn't keep me from buying and eating ice cream like four times a day. But at least I'm not eating (nor wasting money on) unhealthy delivery food. But that is neither here nor there, at the moment.

I used to feel like I had a spark. A mischevious light inside of me that held my hope, my optimism, my sense of levity.  It's gone and I am scared to death that I can't get it back. That voice, that feeling that told me "you will find your place, you have something special to contribute to the world, you are going to thrive and be happy"....gone. Not a trace of it anymore.

Maybe I only had so much. Whatever a person has to make them keep fighting and trying to find their way, maybe a person only has so much fight in them and I feel like I'm at my limit. I've already wasted what I had, so now what?

I feel so lost and hopeless and lonely. It takes all of my effort to shower, and truth be told I haven't done that in about 4 days. I'm scaring the shit out of myself, to be honest. But I don't feel the reason to pick myself back up, I just don't. That place where those feelings used to come from, it seems dried up and I don't know what to do.


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