healthy and happy. one of these days.

21 December 2009 when are you going to Florida again?

This isn’t exactly how I wanted my first post back to go, but I have to just get this out.

First, though, the biggest thank-you for all of your comments on my meltdown, and for not running me right out of the internet with torches and pitchforks for all the moping and the big pity party I threw for myself. Thank you. I’m still not doing well, but I’m slowly coming back. I started drinking water again, took vitamins, and had a good breakfast and lunch today – and I’m giving myself credit for that.

The reason I’m writing this is because of the interesting conversation I just had with my mother. She comes into the living room where I’m sitting and after asking me what I had made in the kitchen (fries…I know but that’s another post) she starts in on asking me if I’m giving up, or how long I’m going to be doing this, something to that effect.

I…calmly erupted.

I told her – “Yes, I’m having a bad weekend. I’m well aware that I’m not eating well. But it’s not your place to tell me what to do or what not to do or how to react to my life – it’s my place. I know what I’m doing and just because I have a bad weekend doesn’t mean it’s all over. During the first time around there were plenty of months, weeks, and/or days when I wasn’t on track and I took a break. But you learn from it and it doesn’t mean it’s over."

She launched into (once again) how she’s afraid no one will hire me (TOO FUCKING SOON, MA) and how my general appearance matters. She also (later on towards the end of our “talk”) mentioned she noticed I “stopped going” to the gym.

Well fuck me. (and I didn't say this, but also in regard to the gym: it’s been a god damned week, lady. BACK OFF)

I told her – “I know this isn’t how you mean it, but part of that translates to me as you don’t accept me for who I am and, more specifically, what I look like. If there is one place in the world where I am allowed to make mistakes and be myself, it should be at home.”
If I start feeling like I can’t be myself, that’s the end of the damn line right there.

She kept on going too, but eventually I just told her if she wants to support me, she can do it by keeping her distance on this.

I hope I’m expressing myself in the right way here – it’s not like I’m thrilled that I’m doing this to myself, but I can see the forest for the trees. I know this isn’t the end. I am the same person I was a week ago that I am right now.

And the thing is, this time around, I’m trying to work with my flaws rather than against them. To be quite honest with you and myself, a lot of times when my mom tells me to do something that I know I need to do but don't really want to, it just makes me want to not do it that much more. The only-child-brat inside of me wants to do the exact opposite, even though the level headed young adult side knows she's right. And I'm working on that. But right now, at this moment, I need her to not say ANYTHING because otherwise it's just going to go badly. I'm not going to react like a mature adult that handles such criticism gracefully.

Yes, quite often I can’t handle criticism, and I am emotionally immature and often still feel (and sometimes act) like a 16 year old. I can’t change all this overnight AND lose weight AND change my life AND AND AND. If I try to tackle them all at once I’ll fail and give up or I’ll freeze from intimidation and never get anywhere. I know myself and I want this to work. There are so many goddamned things I don’t like about who and where I am in life, and I’m trying to work through them slowly and work with them with full awareness that I want to eventually change or eradicate them.

I know she meant it because she cares, but it’s my program, my journey (what am I, on a reality show?) and my mistakes and successes, not anyone else’s. I lay enough guilt on myself as it is, I don’t need any outside pressure. And there are a million other little reasons why her “concern” (her words) piss me off, just things on which you’ll have to trust me when I write all this.

Has anyone else been through anything similar? Do you have that person whose advice you just don’t want on certain topics?

(PS I did weigh myself and I'm at I'm back up. But it's not over. Even though I'm still royally pissed off. Serenity now?)


Karen said...

I feel like I could have written this post. I totally get that parents MEAN well, but how it comes off is so frustrating! I also sometimes want to do just the opposite of what my parents tell me. It's not easy but I think it's good you stood up for yourself to your mom! You have the right attitude and know what you need to do; when you are ready you will do it!

Deb said...

I know how you feel. Last Christmas my Grandpa told me I would probably get fired from my job for being so fat. Ouch.

Greta from said...

I'm 42 and I still deal with Mom issues. Remember that the ONLY thing you can control, with regards to your Mom, is YOUR reaction. You need to keep your best interests first and foremost. Binging because Mom nags at you for being not going to hurt anyone but you. If you feel like you want to be belligerent toward her.....get rip roaring fit and strong.....and see how quiet she will be then. :) I am not sure exactly when my Mom's negative opinions started to mean less to me than they used to...I think it has been a gradual process. She can still get my goat.....for sure...but not nearly as much. I am able to sort of look at it from a third party perspective now and shrug my shoulders more often. is important to remember that when others critcize is THEIR issues they are harping about....they are usually projecting their own insecurities or faults onto you. Maybe try this next time...say something like "Mom..thank you for caring so much, I appreciate how much you love me and want what is best for me" (and try not to sound too It might help diffuse things. When people are on a "criticism" roll.....thanking them tends to shut them up. The other thing that works REALLY well is confused silence. If she rants on and on....just look at her with your mouth a bit open....with a somewhat surprised look on your face...and say NOTHING. Typically....this causes others to back down. (try is sort of fun, actually....) Many times...people who hurl criticisms are seeking a strong reaction..they are picking a fight. Diffusing it with silence can be quite effective.

Hang in there. And....remember that the gym WILL help deal with the stress....not that I am nagging or anything.... Don't let your Mom cause you do undo any of the amazing work you have done!!!!

Foodie Girl said...

Is my mom two-timing me? OMG! Your mom sounds EXACTLY like mine. My mother is part of the reason of my weight issues. It's like you are never good enough. Sucks!

Good for you on realizing where you are and what you need to do. I commend you and I know you can do it! Keep your chin up! We believe in you!

Kat said...

Dude, I've been away from my blogs for a few days and am just now getting to this (sorry), but this post and your previous one could've been written by me. I'm fat, lazy, an only (brat) child, I'm jobless and there are probably, no, DEFINITELY things I could and should be doing to better my situation, and I wonder myself sometimes if I'm not subconsciously screwing up the job search on purpose (WTF is that all about, anyway??). I DREAD seeing people I haven't seen in awhile because it's like "nope, yep, still looking...16 months later. Yeah, I know everyone's engaged/married/knocked up/getting promotions/buying houses. That's nice for them. I have to go, my mom's expecting me back home so I can take out the trash."

I can't offer any words of encouragement or any solutions because I'm obviously in dire need of them myself. However, it'll get better. This funk will turn around and Christmas will be over and the guilt will subside. I'm worried I'm going to have to take some crap job I don't want and am waaaay overqualified for (oh wait, I've been turned away from PLENTY for being overqualified), but it's getting so stupid now that I'd almost be happy with anything. After the new year. Because I'm shutting down for the next week and a half, reverting to my 10-year-old self, wearing jammies all day, and baking cookies, goddamn it.

Tony the Pink Panda said...

Oh my god, I have gone through the exact same thing with my family so many times in the past. I know exactly how you feel. I don't really have any advice, you just gotta ignore them and do things your way I guess. It's easy for people to critice others, and much harder for them to change themselves.

Melissa said...

First of all let me just say...please be thankful that you HAVE a mother to be a pain in the ass to you LOL. I lost mine about 5years ago and I would LOVE to have her around telling me what to do.
BUT that being said, I do agree with you. You need to do this your way and just because you're not into it as hardcore as you may have been before, that does not mean it's over! (coming from someone who's started over 1,148 times) She really needs to back up and let you do it your way. Everyone has slip ups, and you're going through a really tough time right now and are trying to deal with it your way. *Hugs*

Gary said...

Mom's mean well, but they sure can push your buttons. After all they installed them. When I get into one of these matches, I think she just turned 80 and I dont have much time with her so it not worth the bickering, I just get up and hug her and thank her for caring and i love her. The reaction is always amazing, she will normally just stop in her tracks.

You doen a good job so far keep it up

Anonymous said...

Ugh how is it that Moms know EXACTLY how to be supportive in an unsupportive way? Seriously! Some of the things that my Mom says, could be said by my bestfriend and Id never think of them as critical, but as soon as the words come out of her mouth (and I love her dearly I do) I want to scream and ask her why she's so critical. The only thing that I've learned to do is to count to 10 (ok so I started out with counting to 30) before reacting and then just doing my best to figure out how she wants me to respond.

Honestly, I highly doubt that your weight has anythingn to do with you being hired or not being hired. I think it has a little more to do with something called the economy. (Unless youre interviewing with ford models, then it's probably youre age, they prefer them under 14 lol.)

Keep on doing your good work, keep on fighting and losing weight. Exceeding her expectations will certainly at least change the subject :)

Stephanie said...

Hmmm...yeah. It's really not helpful when other people criticize you when you're already beating yourself up. I'm sorry it happened.
BODA weight loss


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