I have a really embarrassing confession to make. Like, I have literally never told anyone this, in my entire life. And god help me I hope I’m not alone in this. And even if I am, well, oh well.
More often than I’d like to admit I have conversations with myself in a mirror. But I’m not talking to myself. I imagine I’m talking to family friends, or (holy sweet baby jesus, why am I telling you this…) Bill’s family when I meet them (which won’t happen, but this is Fantasy Mirror Land, might as well embrace the crazy) and…I’m just talking about my life, or what I’m up to.
Of course it’s never reality. It’s me having hobbies and doing things that I’ve always wanted to do but been too scared or haven’t gotten my ass in gear.
Tonight, I was a girl who took dance classes for exercise (and yoga here and there). I took voice lessons and, with a musically inclined friend, helped Girl Scout troops earn arts and music badges once or twice a month. And of course had a regularly updated blog (HA) about her struggle to health and happiness (all while never giving the website – even Fantasy Mirror Land is like real life – no one in my real life knows the address and only three know I even have this blog)
And tonight, it smacked me in the face….excuse the language, but I really do love cursing, well, why the fuck can’t I be that person?
(also, I just realized Fantasy Mirror Land can be abbreviated FML. That...says...an unbelievable amount.)
What stops everyone? Fear, of course!
I don’t know where it comes from, but I have very real issues with and a fear of looking stupid – it’s the reason I despise karaoke, don’t really like dressing up for Halloween, and the worst of them all, ANY sort of audience participation. Like you know sometimes during musicals, cast members come down the aisles? I all but have a panic attack.
So…I don’t want to start things because I am so scared of being bad at them. But we all know that’s bullshit; very few people are very good at things when they first start them – of course, my insecurity and irrationality know no bounds!
But hell, I am going to try. One of the things I will try quietly, and the other one, I’m recruiting you!
Singing/Voice lessons: I can count on one hand the number of people that have told me I have a nice voice, and many more than that have heard me sing – so I don’t know what that tells you. I know I don’t have the pipes of your Whitneys or your Christinas (but at least I know the words to the national anthem, hiyoooo!) but a softer, indie-ish kind of tone. I think. But I’m scared of failing and realizing that I really do suck at singing – because it gives me such pleasure to listen to a song and sing or hum along; it’s very calming for me. But I’m afraid of having real proof that I’m singing bad pointy daggers into the ears of my loved ones.
Tonight I found a voice teacher in my area and researched her and she seems legit – so I might pay for a few lessons and see what happens! I am terrified and happy…mostly terrified.
Dance/Yoga classes: I’m afraid of how I’ll look. Dancing and yoga is for skinny people! I’ll be honest – I have moves, I can dance fairly well and I LOVE to do it. But real classes with….people? That, my friends, is for…you know…real dancers. I’m just a chub with some rhythm. And yoga – besides the obvious farting in class – I am deeply afraid of looking stupid.
My gym already has dance and yoga classes, so…what I REALLY want there, (besides having the balls and motivation to actually GO more then the one time two weeks ago when I did Zumba…) is to have people to go with.
Connected to that, I want to get a community of DC bloggers, like myself, that are struggling with weight and exercise and all that (not necessarily struggling, but you know what I mean) to meet in person to just chat, laugh, maybe go for walks or do fun things*** – you know, like gym dance classes!
Anyone live in the DC area and belong to Fitness First?? The location on 19th (between K and L) Street NW has dance classes Tues-Thurs from 6:30-7:30. I want friends! BE FRIENDS WITH ME!
***We can go to musicals, too, but I will start crying if a grown man or woman dressed as an animal comes and writhes around on my lap. I will cry and then I will never talk to you again.
4 comments:
I'm so sad that I just moved because I would totally be your buddy! Either way, when I come visit (which I will,) let's be friends!
I have struggled with fear holding me back for a very long time. Slowly I'm facing this. Sometimes we have to feel that fear and just do it anyway. People are so wrapped up in themselves they are really thinking about and judging US much less than we think. Plus, who friggin cares?! Oh that you were closer, I'd drag you to Karaoke. I sing TERRIBLY, you'd look golden ;)
I'm in the DC area but sorry, no Fitness First membership. Have fun and I bet you'll do beautifully!
I do that all the time - as a matter of fact I got busted by a coworker - I was having a conversation with my ex in my classroom - oh yeah, he wasn't there btw.
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