healthy and happy. one of these days.

15 February 2011

caution: this isn't pretty.

Please excuse the disconnect and stream-of-consciousness…I just…need to work this out, or at least start to.

So – I’ve been a wreck lately. I’ve been getting takeout almost every night since last week, and of course it’s in no way healthy…I spent all weekend pretty much in my bed overeating. (I was at 225.6 last week. I’m sure I’m up from that.) I have also spent the past three days crying myself to sleep. Oh also, I cried prettttty much all day at work yesterday. The area underneath my eyes is completely raw from tissues and from my hands wiping away tears.

I feel lazy and unmotivated and incapable of doing any real work. I don’t want to work hard. I want to have everything handed to me. This includes love, work, and my health. I’m in a big “I hate myself” phase right now.

Something has to change, and I’m in a terrible frame of mind, and probably not the right one that could get me doing positive things for myself. I just feel myself sliding into this dark place and I don’t care enough about myself to get out.

I need SOMETHING. I need something to hold on to that’s my own. It was Bill. Then he left. Part of me still holds him accountable for my emotional saving and it’s not fair to him, nor is it fair to me because he isn’t up for the task. So even though we talk every other day or so while he’s overseas (in a place I can’t visit and the chance of us seeing each other is very slim) it’s hard because I want him to be more emotionally engaged that he is, which is pretty much impossible to do. But I don’t want to cut him out of my life, but I need to do something for me. I need to focus on me – and actually FOCUS on me, not say it and then five minutes later sit there and wonder why Bill says “love you” or “love love” instead of “I love you” and how that must mean he really doesn’t love me. YEAH, PEOPLE. THIS IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.

Work is a hot mess right now for reasons I can’t go into, but there’s a strong chance of layoffs and I’ll have to look for a new job come May or so.

Volunteering? Working during the day eliminates a lot of things I want to do (I used to be a Girl Scout and I would love to help out) and I emailed a Beagle Rescue organization about helping but they haven’t gotten back to me yet. I thought maybe I could volunteer or do something for a women’s health/weightloss clinic but I’ve been unlucky in my searches so far.

Bocce doesn’t start until April so I have to wait for that…and it's once a week but I am really looking forward to it.

I don’t have money to do much else, especially right now, so it’s hard to try and try hobbies or activities…. See? I just sit here and feel sorry for myself that I don’t make enough money, my job sucks the life out of me, and the man I let into my life is gone physically and in many ways emotionally.

I’m dicking around with my own life and I can’t climb out of this cycle. Honestly what I really want to go is start therapy but I can’t afford it, and my work insurance doesn’t cover it. I just feel so defeated and worthless. And crazy, too - going from "Let's DO IT, LIFE!" to "I HATE IT" in less than two weeks. How can I possibly make it through life, it’s too hard and I’m not good enough to do the hard work I know it takes.

4 comments:

{Absolutely, Positively} Josie said...

all i know is, you're worth more than this. reclaim that feeling you once had. fight for it. when it gets hard, fight harder.

easy to say, i know. but what choice have any of us in life.

Kelly said...

Laura, I can't tell you how many times I've been there. In fact, I've only just gotten over being pissed & eating myself into oblivion, and not working out. All I can tell you is to give it 5 minutes on the treadmill, or elliptical, or the bike, or whatever you want to do. Start with 5 minutes, and go from there. But you do HAVE to start - somewhere, anywhere.

Lindsay said...

I struggle all the time with thoughts like this and feeling overwhelmed. It's called depression and while I think counseling would be helpful I understand the economic constraints, but you could consider an antidepressant to help until you can motivate yourself. You can sometimes find cheap (free) counseling through churches or other charitable organizations.

katdoesdiets said...

Been there, done that. over and over and over. HUGS. Take care of you. That really is your most important task in life right now. Wish I had some magic answer for you.

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