healthy and happy. one of these days.

13 November 2011

feeling down.

I know nobody reads this because I have been MIA, but in advance  please forgive this post for sounding overly only-child-ish and stream-of-consciousness-ish.

I'm not doing great. The only positive thing I've got going health wise is a self-imposed ban on all non-grocery store foods. Of course that still doesn't keep me from buying and eating ice cream like four times a day. But at least I'm not eating (nor wasting money on) unhealthy delivery food. But that is neither here nor there, at the moment.

I used to feel like I had a spark. A mischevious light inside of me that held my hope, my optimism, my sense of levity.  It's gone and I am scared to death that I can't get it back. That voice, that feeling that told me "you will find your place, you have something special to contribute to the world, you are going to thrive and be happy"....gone. Not a trace of it anymore.

Maybe I only had so much. Whatever a person has to make them keep fighting and trying to find their way, maybe a person only has so much fight in them and I feel like I'm at my limit. I've already wasted what I had, so now what?

I feel so lost and hopeless and lonely. It takes all of my effort to shower, and truth be told I haven't done that in about 4 days. I'm scaring the shit out of myself, to be honest. But I don't feel the reason to pick myself back up, I just don't. That place where those feelings used to come from, it seems dried up and I don't know what to do.

10 comments:

Kyle Gershman said...

I'm still here...and so are you...let's keep it that way. This means that you want things to work out and therefore it will...you simply need to do what you are already doing...getting up each day and celebrating the things you are doing, i.e. avoiding delivery food, sharing your deepest feelings. You are very much alive and the fact that I've read this means you contributed something very important. And if you are scared and were willing to reach out here, you'd be willing to reach out to someone else, i.e. doctor, clergy, boss, etc. You'll find that spark...no doubt.

The Swan in.me said...

THERE YOU ARE!!! I've missed you!!! I fell off the face of the earth myself for about a year or so. My spark had gone out too. Somehow I managed to relight it and I hope you will be able to also. I am just now starting back with blogging. I blog when I am happy - I don't want to blog when I am sad or angry or anything. I learned years ago never to put anything on the web that you don't want to come back and bite you in the ass. Plus I knew I had given my mom a link to my blog and that prevented me from being so anon. Of course evil child that I am knows that her computer crashed and she lost everything muahahah so no more links! (Don't worry I bought her a new computer and had it shipped to her LOL)

Honestly just from that post you sound depressed. :/ I have been there and done that- A LOT my entire life but more so the past yr or two. I weight more now than I did when I started my blog. But I am just going to keep on ticking away till I find what works for me. Right now I am going with the no sugar (minimal) and low carbs. I feel good and don't have any cravings which is loverly.

Please please please email one of us- an old blogger you remember/a friend/ a coworker/ a former coworker/ family member/ random person you see on the sidewalk. LOL Sometimes we need a little spark from someone else to allow our flame to be reunited. Good luck! I hope to see your blogging more again!

The Swan in.me said...

I have some homework for you! :) I think it would be a good idea to go and re-read your blog from the beginning. Then write your spelling words 5 times each. Oh crap wait- that is my 6 yr old's HM. LOL

Lobster Fishing said...

I'm so glad you posted! Our stories and struggles are so similar and I've actually considered emailing you a couple of times...I'd love to connect and encourage. IT GETS BETTER. hillarythomsen@hotmail.com

Kelly said...

Laura - I've been thinking about you, and reading this, I'm thinking a few things. First, I'm glad you posted because everytime a blogger goes off grid, it's usually bad news. Second, we're all here to help. Social media is a great tool to connect with all of us who are struggling. Use it. Use your blog, use FB, use Twitter. You wouldn't believe the incredible people I've met through social media who snap me out of doldrums. Chin up!

Fab Kate said...

I'm still here as well. And I agree that you should re-read your own blog. And others. We all go through periods where we feel hopeless and unable to go on. We think we're already defeated. Then we go on to do great things.

Find someone RL to talk to as well. A friend, a therapist. Sometimes we need that face to face support.

It's hard. This time of year it gets harder. But it's not impossible.

We're all rooting for you!

Anonymous said...

I'm still subscribed to you. Hang in there and just keep swimming, you can do it!

Bonita Gordita said...

Yeah, hon, you do sound depressed. Been there. I don't have a lot of advice, but keep journaling, keep writing and working through it if you can. Sounds like you've got a lot of people who support you here, ups and downs.

Mavhu said...

All I can SAY is I feeeeel you sister, and its great that you reached out with this post. We need each other lets do this. Do not give up the devil is a liar.

Anonymous said...

I keep checking back for you and want to see you succeed. Please take care of yourself.

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