healthy and happy. one of these days.

18 December 2009

I've been crying all day because...

I got that call today. I didn’t get the job. I knew it, I KNEW it, and it still hurt like hell.

I can’t buy my parents Christmas presents.

I can't remember a time in the last year when I haven't been ashamed of where (and sometimes who) I am in life.

I have to show up to Christmas Eve dinner next week with a family that has a lawyer, a nurse, and a student in college getting amazing grades and all three of them are in serious relationships.

I don’t have a single thing that I’m really good at – that defines who I am and points me in a direction.

I have to participate in holiday small talk with people I haven’t seen in a while and tell them that I’m still unemployed. They don’t even ask about dating anymore.

Today is my one year anniversary of unemployment and I got turned away from a job that I wanted with all my heart.

I can’t pay my parents back for all the money they’ve lent me this year and last year.

I can't get a job in the field I just spent the last two years of my life dedicated to.

It’s entirely my fault I didn’t get this job and I wonder if part of me did it on purpose.

I have to start all over.

I don’t know when it’s going to stop.

I’ve got absolutely nothing.


Anonymous said...

i can totally relate. I'm the oldest of 6 cousins, and i'm the only one not in a relationship, let alone my younger sister is married. The sister thing isnt as bad as the cousin one. I'm not sure why. I'm also the only fat one.

But one thing that is great, is I have gotten a lot of kind, encouraging words from my weight loss. I am starting to feel worht something around family again, not a total loser.. I hope that maybe for you that will be the gold star you wear that day. That your family will recognize how far you have come, and how hard you are working, and that you might outshine the rest. :) You don't have nothing, you have 35lbs LESS. :) That is a nothing to be proud of :)

Tiffany said...

I'm so sorry you didn't get the job. Bottom line is it really sucks. I hate to see you so bummed out though.

Things will turn around and fall into place. It's just a matter of time. You're doing great on the weight loss front and you should be proud of that. Keep your chin up. I know it's tough but things will work out.

Rebecca said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the job!!

Seriously, the market is so tough right now, your either overqualified or underqualified. you'll find something!

have you thought of making taking some community college classes of stuff you are interested in?

I know its no consolation but I pay $235 a month to the gov to be answering telephones! and they tell me to be grateful! they let go my entire department but offered me the receptionist position. what was i gonna do?! but sometimes i wish i would have said let me go, it's depressing as hell! and i feel like the biggest loser/failure out there.

keep at it.. it's just a slump!

Christa said...

I'm so sorry!! :( I know what your saying...I was out of work for 8 will happen...things happen for a reason and there are better things out there for you...((HUGS))

Daisy said...

What defines you is you. You have to see yourself as worthy. You are lovable. You are employable. You are strong. You are funny.

I know these things are true, because I read your blog. Show that face to world and it will all be yours. Soemtimes, we let fear get in the way of showing the world who we really are. But, if that fear hasn't worked for us up until now, why hold onto it?

Get rid of whatever it is that you are clinging to and show the world that funny, strong woman you show us everyday.

Deb said...

It's tough out there. You certainly are not alone in this job market. Try not to think of it as a reflection on you because it certainly is not.

As for feeling you are good at nothing...well, I don't know much about you but I do know you are good and writing. So give yourself some credit.

Learning to be Less said...

Wow girl! You sound seriously depressed. Yes, all that sucks. But that is not WHO you are. Those are just circumstances you are in at the moment.

I know this is not what you want to hear now but you do have your health and you are getting healthier.

This too shall pass. If you did not get that job, then maybe it wasn't meant to be. Perhaps there is something better waiting out there for you. What other fields are you interested in?

The biggest source of disappointment is comparison. You cannot compare yourself to others (and I know this seems impossible at times).

Yes, being lawyer sounds successful but there is a ton of crappy stuff that goes with that (including extra large debt).

I happen to think you are quite witty and an excellent writer. Perhaps you can utilize those traits.

The economy sucks for everyone so I bet the fam will be understanding. If they are not then they are a bunch of a-holes and you should just drink your way through the holiday dinner.

Bad advice, I know. But that is how I personally would handle the situation.

You are a great person. Try and pick one thing you have been doing well and keep doing it. Focus on that one thing. You can worry about everything else another day.

And as far as relationships go....wouldn't you rather be independent and happy then be in a dysfunctional or abusive relationship?

I think you have been handling things well and today was just a bad day. Rejection sucks even if you are expecting it.

Someday SkinnyMinnie said...

I could have written this myself, my friend.

Like people keep telling me "something will come along." Are you rolling your eyes? I usually do.

Hang in there.

Foodie Girl said...

I am so sorry to hear about the job. Did they at least tell you why you didn't get it? Is there a possible opening in the near future?


Jessica @ Pudget: Losing Weight On A Budget said...

Only God can help you through this. Give it all to him. He loves you and has plans for your life. Trust him to show you the way. It may seem aweful right now but God has a reason for everything. Just pray for him to show you his will and his way.

You will be in my prayers. :)

Melissa said...

Don't feel so bad hun. It'll get better. You aren't a bum, you have goals in life and at least you know what you want. You are young still, no one expects you to have it all figured out. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else...just because they have a job/relationship doesn't mean they are happy. You need to find what makes YOU happy and go for it. Please try to cheer up :) You'll find yourself soon.

Greta from said...

You have your health.

You have your fitness and your every shrinking body!

You have excellent experience in your field...that WILL land you a job in 2010!

You have wonderful skills that you could volunteer to local organizations while you are looking for work.

You have a family who is supportive and who is helping you.

You can give your love, your gratitude, your thanks...some laughs, lots of hugs, some homemade gifts, and some great diet tips!

2010 is YOUR year! Get ready, because it will be great. I have faith in you, and so do many others. You are great!

Foodie Girl said...

I am hoping you are coming back to us soon. News like this can be devastating, but I know you can move on from this. Look how far you have come on this personal journey of yours. Okay, so you didn't get the job, but you have gained so much more this past year. I don't think you realize how much you have overcome. You continue to be an inspiration for so many. So, let my inner Jillian do some talking!

"Get your head back into the game! Don't let this set you back! You have reached a low, now it's time to once again reach a high! Maintain that high and it will carry you through! YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK!!!!"

Anonymous said...

I'm just getting caught up after taking a break from reading blogs over the holidays! I am so sorry that you didnt get the job that you were looking forward to. I know that it doesnt really help, but things will eventually turn around. I'm not sure what area you are in (I know youre somewhat local to me...I think??) but eventually something will come up. I'm sure youre already applying for anything and everything that comes across Monter and Seriously, best of luck to you. You've done such an amazing job with your weight loss, I know that it will continue. That can be your job for now, until something else comes along :)


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