healthy and happy. one of these days.

26 April 2010

Highweigh to Hell

(While I do love AC/DC, this is the Glee Cast version! I have, of course, been listening to the newest Glee songs nonstop. HOW FUN was the Madonna episode. PS Like a Prayer is my favorite Madge song and I was so happy they sang it. Loved their version.)

Weight this AM:

204.6!

A nice 3 pound loss from last week. Hooray! I’d say I earned it. Lots of water, a leeetle more exercise, healthy food choices, no booze, all that good stuff.

I don’t think I’ll be able to pull off 4.6 pounds before next week’s May weigh-in, which is fine. I know I’ll be close and I know I’ll hit Onderland IN May. So that’ll be good. I just need to keep trying and keep making good decisions and exercising and the numbers and pants sizes will follow.

And now, I write about my emotions, far too early on a Monday morning.

This isn’t an unheard of topic, but, it’s something on my mind now that I’m nearing Onederland: fear of success. Many of you/us talk about the fear of what happens next, after we reach a big goal or inch closer towards it every day. Being large is a safety net – we can say “I would do this but I’m too big” or “The fact that I’m this size is keeping me from doing *insert activity or whatever here*” but…when that’s taken away, we don’t have any more excuses. Will I get less funny the thinner I get? Will dating really be that much easier? Will I have the courage to try new things, when it’s more likely a fear of failure or looking stupid, rather than a fear of being fat that is keeping me from doing them?

Anyway, I’m bringing these things up to sort of…prepare myself? To put it out there so I don’t fall into these traps.

*
During SWL1 (Successful Weight Loss 1.0 – from 2007 to July of 2009 I lost 65 pounds) I got down to 197 in August of 08. I felt so great and I wrote in my journal at the time “I am NEVER going back to above 200!” and what did I do a few weeks later? You guessed it. The scale went up and KEPT going up until July of 09.

Now, there was a LOT that was going on in my life that affected me emotionally and I let it completely crush any motivation I had. I had lost the weight that put me under 200 while I was in London. I was living my dream. Working for an arts organization, in London, not living with my parents, I was just. me. I have never been happier than in those two months. And a ton of weight came off. I was eating well and walking everywhere. Even when the tube was available and we were given our transportation stipend…I walked. Just to do it. God I loved it.

Anyway, so I come back home, rode the London high for about a week, and then stopped eating well and exercising. I was so depressed to be back home. To be a dependent. To be still so closely tied to my parents, knowing full well that I should have been out on my own by then. There were additional issues happening then too that greatly contributed to my lack of emotional health, but this was a big factor. Sigh. And the weight slowly crept up, and then it shot up in Jan-July of 09.

I had the opportunity to look at things positively – to capitalize on my time in London and keep it going, even though I didn’t like the circumstances I was returning to. It’s not like they weren’t the same ones that I was living in two months prior before I left. I’m no psychologist, but maybe I let myself get bogged down in my emotions (I’m cutting myself a little slack because at that point, and definitely from Jan-July 09, I think my depression was pretty, uh, robust) and allowed myself to gain weight – some part of me was afraid of weighing less and less.

*

I haven’t weighed under 200 in maybe 7 or 8 years? I’m a little scared of the responsibility that comes with it, to be honest. The second half of my journey (the next 50 pounds) is harder – it’s harder to lose weight the smaller you get, and I’m afraid of the struggle. I’m afraid of how much harder I’m going to have to work and I’m scared of not being able to do it.

So I’m coming up on Onederland…and I find out this week or next whether or not I got that job. If I get it, it means I can make plans to move out. Now, the interview went well and (I looked snazzy thanks to you all, by the by. I went with the jacket and the coral top. Thank you for all your input! The coral was the one I had in my mind to begin with and I’m glad the majority vote was with me!) there is nothing I could have done better. But if I don’t get it…I have no other prospects on the horizon.

I just don’t want any potentially disappointing news to trigger anything – to then allow myself to be sent into a tailspin that involves reintroducing my hidden food stash under my bed, being anti-social and generally snarl-y.

Bleh. But that’s just something I wanted to get out. What I can do right now is just be mindful this week and make good choices. (and BLOG MORE, geeeeez!)

3 comments:

Beth said...

I've been there too, lost it gained it - several time! I think the biggest obstacle we have with our weights is OURSELVES, emotions take you over in a whirlpool and the next thing you know its 6 months later and you are even more depressed and your weight has returned and multiplied. The only thing we can really do is recognize that this emotional power exists and fight the forces of evil. Keep fighting the good fight!!!

266 said...

I love this post - it's very thoughtful. I think it is great that you are examining your past issues and preparing yourself for potential traps, but I would also advise you not to get too wrapped up in your head about the whole thing. Be proud, but don't put more than a day or two's emphasis on the accomplishment. For me, (and I know the experience is totally different for everyone) I just kind of ducked my head down as I went past the Onederland marker and kept going. Within a couple of weeks it was old news and I didn't feel so nervous about going back.

Way to go on your massive drop this week, by the way! You are doing amazingly well and I can't wait to celebrate this upcoming milestone with you!

Kyle Gershman said...

Look...you may very well change...but all for the BETTER! You'll have to trust me on this. I haven't been this low of weight and this physically capable in years. It does change your outlook, it changes what kinds of activities you may want to get involved in. I also think it gives you confidence to enhance your social interactions. I think it can only do these things for the better. I actually can't think of a single thing I'm regretting by getting more healthy...nope...not a damned thing.

Go forward...save your fears for something useful like bear attacks...you won't regret this success, I guarantee.

(I don't know if this fear has anything to do with a personal relationship, but if your partner gets too freaked by new sexiness or you start feeling like you deserve better...while painful...it isn't the worst thing to fear either if you need to change that part of your life too.)

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