so here we are.

thank you for your comments on the last post...i didn't realize how much my anti-depressants were working until i stopped taking them. and what do you know, (un)surprisingly, now that i've been back on them for a month, i am doing much better. certainly not at the top of my game, but i'm trying.

i have been in therapy since april. but from april until about...october, i was mainly spending my 45-50 minutes talking about the guy i had been dating at the end of 2010 and took a job overseas. that's a whole rollercoaster that no one needs to go on ever again, but the point is that i really wasn't focusing on ME. and now i'm trying to do that. it's actually difficult. i didn't think it would be this tough to stay focused on my own happiness.

i got an email on the 28th of november about a black friday deal at my gym - if you sign up for personal training, you don't have to pay monthly membership fees. so i took a leap and signed up, for a 30 minute session once a week...for a year. i've been, what, 3 times now? i still get really anxious the day of, and dread it all day, but ultimately i'm happy that i signed up. my trainer is nice, patient, supportive, and pushes me but not to the point of perfection. and at least this week, i've been motivated enough to go a few more times on my own. so it's good and i'm trying to take it little by little.

i've been eating better, but of course have my downfalls. i haven't gotten on a scale in a few weeks. i don't want it to be about that. do i want to know if i lost two pounds or five? you bet your ass i do. but going to the gym and taking my wellbutrin and seeing a therapist every other week isn't about losing pounds. it's about being healthy. yes i know that means weighing less, but i want that to happen because i'm doing things for the sake of my well being, if that makes sense. it's a necessary and delightful side effect, or something.

so anyway. i'm trying. can i lighten things up a bit now, also? i'm a happy person, damnit. and yeah, i'm going through a lot but i still know how to laugh, for christ's sake.

*florence + the machine's new album is awesome.
*spotify premium is awesome.
*my christmas rap playlist is awesome.
*i am getting a promotion at work. awesome.

awesome thing i did today:

so that dude, the guy i mentioned up above, i wrote a post a few months ago that i walked away. well, he got in contact with me and apologized, and i gave him a second chance. and then he went and treated me the same exact way. so today i cut it off again, for good this time. and i was in the midst of eating pizza and ice cream, but stopped myself halfway through, threw away the remaining food, and went to the gym.