The next time...

Okay, I’m just gonna put it out there. I want to be The Hot Friend. Or The Hot New Girl, or what have you. You know what I mean – at a friend’s wedding, the hot single friend that guys talk to, or having the opportunity to “meet someone” when you hang out with friends of friends, or similar situations. Hell, even at work maybe, if we don’t consider the pros and/or cons of office dating.

I spent almost the whole day with FakeKevin today – just the two of us. We had a fairly good time, though he got some bad personal news over the phone that made the second half of our day kind of awkward. But no one can be blamed for that, it happens. When I found out we would be paired together I was simultaneously excited and disappointed. Excited because he’s effing hot, and disappointed because there is nothing there between us (from his perspective, anyway). Were I 80 pounds lighter, I think I might have a chance - whether you want to base that on looks or my own confidence in them - they're both contributing factors to how we view the sex/gender we are attracted to.

Anyway the whole thing just got me thinking – after a summer of weddings where there have been cute single people, I come up empty handed. Or this two week job thing when I am working closely with a group of people many of whom are young, including FakeKevin, but it's clearrrrrrly a NO. And that’s not to say that every healthy-looking single person that goes to a wedding or meets a group of new people automatically comes away with a boyfriend – I’m just trying to say that…I don’t know what I’m trying to say exactly. (do you? I apparently could use some help.)

Just for once. I want to be The Hot Girl that goes to her friend’s wedding or *insert function/event/place here*, meets her friend’s friend and connect with him. The Hot Girl knows that he’s a good guy because she can trust her friends’ judgement, and I’m sure there’s some sort of transitive property that proves that we will have similar/overlapping interests somewhere.

I feel like I’ve wasted all of these opportunities to meet a guy and make something of it, because I’ve been too big to be noticed/confident in myself. And I’m worrying when these kinds of situations are going to run out. That’s not to say this is the only way to meet someone, I just have all of these kinds of events in this stage in my life at the moment and it would be nice to be noticed. And, yes, maybe make out with someone a little bit. God, I miss that. TMI? Whatever. I claim Honest Scrap (it’s like Blog Sanctuary)

I guess…it’s nice to be noticed. And to be flirted with. It’s one of those things that makes you feel human. And yes, I'll say it, it's a nice little slice of validation. During SWL1, I didn’t feel like I was a human being until I got around 195 pounds. Before then I treated myself as a fat blob. A fat, inanimate blob. But at 195, I became an overweight person. Overweight, yes, but a PERSON nonetheless. That was such a Moment for me – when I realized I felt like a person. Simple yet incredibly meaningful. I was walking with my head up, not down at my feet. I found myself smiling at guys I thought were cute. I was naturally happy and wanted to make others feel the way I felt. I existed; I was valuable; I deserved respect and love.

This time around, it still holds true even as I gain confidence from the progress so far. I was walking down the street last week and I was thinking to myself about how I liked what I was wearing and it looked good on me. And then a minute later I saw my reflection – it was fat. That’s all I could focus on, was the protruding stomach, big thighs, kinda saggy but huge boobs, and several chins. Not a person – just a bunch of fat.

It may not be right, but my self-worth is very much connected to what I weigh/look like. What I continue to lose in pounds I gain in confidence in myself. I know so many people say that you have to love the body you have and be comfortable with yourself before you can really make a solid, long lasting change – I honestly don’t know if I can do that.

Anyway I think I’m veering into a different blog post, but my point is, I just want to be noticed. And I want to be confident enough to be willing to be noticed.