healthy and happy. one of these days.

01 February 2010

YEESH

Hi again. I'm so sorry it's been an entire week. I'm writing this in the morning as I'm getting ready for work - I'm thinking this temp job is going to last a few more weeks, which is good. So anyway, I'm gonna get down to business.

My weight this week is: 225.8. Good in that I maintained, bad in that it's my starting/ending weight for the month, and this is the first time I haven't met (and obliterated) my goal. So that's sad, because honestly I feel like I'm out of control. Things aren't awful but I don't feel myself getting better, either.

I do really well in the mornings and afternoons. My breakfast and lunch and snacks are healthy. And then I get home after work and I don't care anymore. And forget about the weekends.

And no exercise, either. Other than the 4 flights of stairs I have to climb up to get to my car in the Metro parking garage. 

I hate that I'm sliding backwards. And that I can't stop myself from buying horrid food at the grocery store. It honestly feels like I'm punishing myself; like I'm aware of it but I still can't stop it. Man, if I could afford therapy you know where I'd be right now.

And that's it, really - there are two things I'm realizing. One, I just mentioned. I probably need to be in therapy. Did I tell you already that I did that once? In 2008, for about 6 months - as a student, my school allows you something like 12 sessions for free, so I went. It was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. 

The other thing is that I REALLY need to move out of my house. I feel like it's crushing me. It's crushing who I want to be. I understand that moving out is somewhat of a "quick fix", hence the need for therapy, but it absolutely has to happen. I'm still applying for jobs, and haven't gotten any call-backs in a while, but I'm working on it. Moving out NEEDS to happen.

So I guess I'm realizing I'm not in a good place right now, emotionally that is. Maybe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Maybe I have real depression. Maybe some weird gray area between the two. Or maybe I'm just feeling poorly because I'm eating poorly. Regardless, it's not good any way you cut it.

But let's focus on the positives, shall we?

1- I've been working. Money is always good. I don't think this will turn into a permanent position, but I'm hoping I can still network and make some contacts along the way.

2 - My morning and afternoon eating have been good. I've been packing myself good stuff again. Arnold's thin, greek yogurt, string cheese, V8, Progresso soup(! Yeah, I have like 4 reviews to do. They're tasty and they're forthcoming, I promise) and water. I'm in dire need of fruits and vegetables, though. I haven't bought any in a while. (That's probably why I've been sick with a flu/cold for a week...ugh)

3 - EHarmony: Haven't been on an actual date yet, but there are some potential suitors. No one has popped on the screen yet, but all in good time. I've done some pursuing that hasn't really worked out, and people are pursuing me. So there are things happening but nothing's really happening yet. Ha :-P

*****

I'm sorry for the all-business-no-silliness post. I miss you guys, I really do. There has been so much going on and I've been avoiding this blog world. I see people losing weight and exercising and leaving me in the dust. It doesn't make a girl feel good. But I know it's my own doing. Sigh. 

The crazy thing is, despite the fact that I have my first "red" monthly goal over there, I don't feel too bad about staying at the same weight. I went up a week or two, and I'd love it if I could go back down.

It's hard to know when you're sensationalizing everything, and when you really need to address serious problems, you know? I tend to exaggerate and blow things out of proportion - and I want to hold myself accountable while also being nice to myself. Is such a thing possible?

(Also, apologies for the broken-stream-of-consciousness-writing, and probable spelling errors - I got up at 5am today. Ew.)

5 comments:

Minnesota Mami said...

I've been reading your blog (or checking in to see if you've posted!) for the last few weeks...and I hear your frustration! I've had two weeks of working hard and eating well (for the most part) with still no movement on the scale. In the past I'd always quit now. But we gotta think about the positives and 'can-do' spirit in order to jump that hurdle and not let it defeat us! Thing about it...you HAVE still lost over 40 pounds since your start. Less than 10 have come back on...and you are most of the way back to eating/exercising the way you used to...just a couple components to add back into place and you'll be back on the swing of things! You are wise to recognize your emotional needs too, and I hope seeing a therapist is something that becomes feasible soon (same with moving out), but I am sure that once you get fully back onto the bandwagon of working out regularly and seeing your body respond, that will boost your spirits too. We WILL get there...keep on keeping on!

Holly
http://makingoverme.blogspot.com

Becca said...

Welcome back friend, I missed you. Don't beat yourself up over one month, it happens. You've made amazing progress and a few bumps along the way can't take that away. Let's hang out soon!

Rebecca said...

I know this feeling all too well...
"There has been so much going on and I've been avoiding this blog world. I see people losing weight and exercising and leaving me in the dust. It doesn't make a girl feel good."

We've all been there, so take the time that you need. Most of us will still be here when you decide to come back!

KatDoesDiets said...

You've just hit a rough patch. We all do. If it is S.A.D. I try to make sure and get a little sunlight every day if I can. Exercise helps depression too, maybe try something new to shake things up and make them interesting?? A DVD on Amazon is usually less then $10.
I hope you get an awesomely high paying job and an awesome place SOON!
Hugs.

Tina said...

Spring is right around the corner (at least that's what I'm telling myself in the midst of our record setting cold winter)! I get so down in the winter and I want to buy all the crap from the grocery store. Happy to hear you are working. ANY work is good work these days. I'm trying to keep my house through my unemployment and it's not easy!

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