*You might want to skip over this part because it's BIG OL' whinefest and I'm even slightly irritated with myself but I just want to get it out and deal with it*
I came to the conclusion today, based on a number of factors, that I am 95% certain that I didn't get this most recent job I interviewed for. The one that I loved. That would have been almost perfect. And now I have nothing. I am feeling really really low. Tomorrow marks my one year unemployment anniversary.
In two weeks my parents are going down to Florida for four months. I'm worried I'm going to enter into some downward spiral and my eating will be destructive and out of control just like it was last year.
I think the only thing keeping me going at this point is the blog and not looking pitiful (TOO LATE) in front of all of you. I don't want to have to report eating an entire order of boneless buffalo wings, and almost an entire XL pizza - as one meal of my day. Or an entire cake. Or 5 different varieties of chinese/thai food. I could go on.
I don't want to do any of it. But when I remove myself from the blog and I'm left with just.me...it just doesn't feel like I'm headed in a good direction. I haven't exercised since Monday - the only thing I can manage to keep myself from doing is eating poorly - because it's easier to eat and choose healthier foods (because, hey, at least I get to eat and I'm good at that) than to exert myself physically.
I just...I wanted so badly for this (job) to be the end of an entire year of shit (I'm leaving a lot of personal stuff out that doesn't need to be put on the internet, trust.) and start the new year on a good note. But it doesn't look that way now. And I can feel myself slipping and I hate it and the worst part is not feeling like I'm worth pulling myself out if it.
Vitamins – Check
Water – 100oz
*egg sandwich: toasted arnold’s thin, 3 small slices avocado, diced red pepper and egg substitute, ketchup
*sandwich: arnold’s sandwich thin, chicken with mayo, and gala apple slices
*18 all-bran crackers
*wrap: chicken with mayo, 5 bread and butter pickles, regular mustard, romaine lettuce
*half a red pepper chopped with sabra hummus (individual size)
*100 calorie bag of 94% fat free kettle corn popcorn (I loathe typing this out, I feel like it takes half an hour)