so here we are.

thank you for your comments on the last post...i didn't realize how much my anti-depressants were working until i stopped taking them. and what do you know, (un)surprisingly, now that i've been back on them for a month, i am doing much better. certainly not at the top of my game, but i'm trying.

i have been in therapy since april. but from april until about...october, i was mainly spending my 45-50 minutes talking about the guy i had been dating at the end of 2010 and took a job overseas. that's a whole rollercoaster that no one needs to go on ever again, but the point is that i really wasn't focusing on ME. and now i'm trying to do that. it's actually difficult. i didn't think it would be this tough to stay focused on my own happiness.

i got an email on the 28th of november about a black friday deal at my gym - if you sign up for personal training, you don't have to pay monthly membership fees. so i took a leap and signed up, for a 30 minute session once a week...for a year. i've been, what, 3 times now? i still get really anxious the day of, and dread it all day, but ultimately i'm happy that i signed up. my trainer is nice, patient, supportive, and pushes me but not to the point of perfection. and at least this week, i've been motivated enough to go a few more times on my own. so it's good and i'm trying to take it little by little.

i've been eating better, but of course have my downfalls. i haven't gotten on a scale in a few weeks. i don't want it to be about that. do i want to know if i lost two pounds or five? you bet your ass i do. but going to the gym and taking my wellbutrin and seeing a therapist every other week isn't about losing pounds. it's about being healthy. yes i know that means weighing less, but i want that to happen because i'm doing things for the sake of my well being, if that makes sense. it's a necessary and delightful side effect, or something.

so anyway. i'm trying. can i lighten things up a bit now, also? i'm a happy person, damnit. and yeah, i'm going through a lot but i still know how to laugh, for christ's sake.

*florence + the machine's new album is awesome.
*spotify premium is awesome.
*my christmas rap playlist is awesome.
*i am getting a promotion at work. awesome.

awesome thing i did today:

so that dude, the guy i mentioned up above, i wrote a post a few months ago that i walked away. well, he got in contact with me and apologized, and i gave him a second chance. and then he went and treated me the same exact way. so today i cut it off again, for good this time. and i was in the midst of eating pizza and ice cream, but stopped myself halfway through, threw away the remaining food, and went to the gym.

feeling down.

I know nobody reads this because I have been MIA, but in advance  please forgive this post for sounding overly only-child-ish and stream-of-consciousness-ish.

I'm not doing great. The only positive thing I've got going health wise is a self-imposed ban on all non-grocery store foods. Of course that still doesn't keep me from buying and eating ice cream like four times a day. But at least I'm not eating (nor wasting money on) unhealthy delivery food. But that is neither here nor there, at the moment.

I used to feel like I had a spark. A mischevious light inside of me that held my hope, my optimism, my sense of levity.  It's gone and I am scared to death that I can't get it back. That voice, that feeling that told me "you will find your place, you have something special to contribute to the world, you are going to thrive and be happy"....gone. Not a trace of it anymore.

Maybe I only had so much. Whatever a person has to make them keep fighting and trying to find their way, maybe a person only has so much fight in them and I feel like I'm at my limit. I've already wasted what I had, so now what?

I feel so lost and hopeless and lonely. It takes all of my effort to shower, and truth be told I haven't done that in about 4 days. I'm scaring the shit out of myself, to be honest. But I don't feel the reason to pick myself back up, I just don't. That place where those feelings used to come from, it seems dried up and I don't know what to do.

words to remember.

i've got about a million posts to write. weight updates (it's going well), habits i have that i like, a manifesto (!) that my friend/coworker and i wrote, an interesting conversation with my mom...emotions and food and issues, oh my.

but for now, i want to tell you that i am proud of myself. i broke up with bill today. it was long overdue, but i walked away because i was miserable. i don't deserve to feel wrong for being a loving, caring person that can open her heart and trust and love and find happiness and satisfaction in making others happy. i am proud for standing up for myself and nurturing those traits.

I am going to make up for my absence with pictures? Maybe?

So it's been a while. Ups and downs, amazing places, bad food and good food. But today I'm in a pretty good place, all things considered. So here are some pictures.

In June my dear friend from high school got married to a lovely girl from the Czech Republic; so a handful of us went over for the wedding. After a few days in Pilsen, I departed for Rome for 3 days on my own. It was spectacular.

I saw and ate amazingly wonderful things.

I went to California a month later for my godbrother's wedding, and to meet my godsister's new baby. I don't have any pictures from that...oops? But it was great.

After I got back I wasn't feeling great, I was spending too much money on delivery (and too many calories, natch) food and I was just feeling physically (and emotionally) weighed down.

So the past couple of weeks, I've been doing better. If you follow me on twitter you can see that I just synced  an app (Noom, for Android) I have that tracks your exercise and meals. Even if it's just walking, it tracks you via GPS which is brilliant. The meals thing is interesting, and I use it as more of an estimate b/c I am also keeping a Food/Mood journal as part of therapy.

I am hesitant about exercise, because I have this idea in my head (especially with sharing it on Twitter) that I have to be running 5 miles and lifting weights for an hour and be "proud" of my exercise and compete with everyone else. That walking for 20 or 30 minutes isn't good enough. Because I CAN run, even for short periods of time, but I'm embarrassed that I'm so limited. And I'm not competitive when it comes to fitness, I don't have any fitness-related goals, really. I just want to be healthy and weigh less. I have Noom set up for me to weigh 150 pounds, which, is really lofty, I know. But I'm just taking it day by day, and trying to keep my office and home stocked with healthy things that take little or no time to put together.

Including, my version of a McGriddle:

That is 1 piece of Arnold's Double Fiber bread, 1 piece of Sorrento's Cheddar/Mozarella cheese, egg substitute, 1 Jimmy Dean Turkey sausage, and 1 TBSP of Hungry Jack syrup on the bread. It's much better calorie and fat content-wise, but of course, healthier breakfasts exist :) But it's an enjoyable breakfast!

I'm having some work and relationship woes (the dude overseas in Iraq...that whole mess is still in existence) but I'm really trying so hard not to turn to food. There are days where I want to come home and burrow in my couch and order too much Thai food. But this past week I've stopped myself. Sometimes the incentive of saving money overrides the health aspect, but I'll take it either way.

I weighed myself last week, Monday I think? And I was at 238.2. So I'll probably check again tomorrow or Tuesday (and update in Noom, of course) and see how it goes. I just want to take it day by day and be grateful for what I have.

i am not clever today. but while i'm here, you know what's awesome? Girl Talk. the end. continue reading.

This morning I went to therapy, and brought a breakfast of oatmeal and blueberries and tea with me. Then I had therapy, and of course, cried, like I always do. Then I went to yoga, sweated a LOT (and it wasn’t even hot yoga :-P) and at the end, cried a little too. Something about taking all the bad energy out and replacing it with good made me realize how MUCH bad energy and negative thoughts I have right now.

I am almost wholly unhappy. And I will admit to having a tough time seeing the brighter side. I know there is one, and I’m smart enough to know that I am lucky enough to have things that others don’t. But I’m internally unhappy. I can’t remember the last time I genuinely laughed, like that kind of laugh that comes from your core and is pure happiness emanating from you.

But I’m trying. The wellbutrin is fine – I feel like I’ve evened out now, I don’t feel that “ENERGYOMFGLOLZBBQLMNOP!@#” that I did in the beginning, which was probably psychosomatic. Which is fine. But it helps me by allowing me not to spend any of my positive energy forcing myself to shower, brush my teeth, talk to people…that feels more natural and I can try and focus some positivity towards myself….if that makes sense. Too much therapy-talk? Maybe. Is this a LOT of navel-gazing? Probably.

So…things aren’t great. But I’m trying. I ate a good breakfast, and I’m doing yoga once a week, and over time I want to build it up to 2 times, maybe 3 if I can afford it. And my counselor had me order a book about eating disorders (mine being emotional eating and some binge eating – never purging, but still the binge eating) so I hope I can do some hard work there and have a better relationship with food. And with myself.

A few weeks ago I weighed myself and I was 238. And yesterday I weighed myself and I was 234. So I’m happy about that. But I’m being careful not to feel or think that “THIS IS IT! This is THE time that it works! I’m on my way and never looking back!” Do I want that? Of course I do. But I’m trying to be careful with myself this time around.

I say a lot of things and never actually do them. I’m trying the reverse this time, I guess.

I miss you guys. 

Q&A

Q: Soooo where have you been, missy?

A: Um, generally hiding and being unhappy with life.

Q: Have you been eating well?

A: Do you consider a new obsession with McGriddles “well”?

Q: What about exercising?

A: The five minute walk from the metro to my office (and back again) and walking up the escalators.

Q: So…no, is what you’re saying.

A: Yeah, no.

Q: How much do you weigh?

A: Somewhere in the 230-240 range is my guess. I haven’t weighed myself in a few weeks, and that was many sausage, egg, cheese on a croissants ago, so it’s anybody’s guess.

Q: What’s your deal with breakfast sandwiches?

A: I don’t know, man, I don’t know.

Q: So what brings you here anyway?

A: A lack of motivation to do work on a Friday?

Q: No but really.

A: To say that, I went to the doctor a few times and found out I have borderline high cholesterol, so, I actually do need to eat better, McGriddles aside.

Q: How many McGriddles have you had!?

A: Actually just one, yesterday morning. But holy hell was it amazing.

Q: Anything else you’d like to share?

A: Yeah. Wellbutrin. I mean, I don’t want to share my stash but I started taking it yesterday. Between a really mentally/emotionally unhealthy work environment and my weight gain due to stress and emotional eating, I’m really unhappy…and I’ve been seeing a therapist for about a month which has been great but I need some extra help. Plus Wellbutrin is a stimulant and an appetite suppressant…

Q: Do you want Wellbutrin to do all the diet and exercise work for you?

A: Yep.

Q: You realize that’s ridiculous.

A: Yep.

Q: Well how do you feel so far?

A: Um, I’m sure a lot of it is only psychosomatic at this point, but, I feel good. It feels like I have more energy to do the basic things like…showering, brushing my teeth, cooking for myself, that were a struggle to do before, which were fairly clear signs of depression. And whether it’s psychosomatic or actually working, I’ll take it either way.

Q: Yeah that’s true. Well good!

A: Thank you. I was initially scared to admit that I might need it, and it felt like I was admitting that something is fundamentally wrong with me – even though counseling has taught me better, I still have perfectionist tendencies and I have issues with something being “wrong” with me. But I’m an adult and it’s my job to make myself feel better, so I’m trying.

Q: That sounds reasonable.

A: Sure, I guess. We’ll see in a couple of weeks when it takes effect.

Q: So, a low-cholesterol diet, hm?

A: IT’S LIKE THEY’RE TAKING AWAY MY HAPPINESS.

Q: Whoa there tiger.

A: I’m sorry, I know.

Q: Is this still about McGriddles?

A: THEY HAVE LITTLE TINY POCKETS OF MAPLE SYRUP THAT BLEND IN WITH THE SAVORY FLAVORS! IT’S GENIUS.

empty your hands and look up

i did a yoga dvd today (neflix streaming)

my breakfast was: a cup of coffee, and an egg scramble with egg substitute, a sprinkling of feta cheese, and frozen spinach, peppers and onions. and ketchup, of course.

i have my first voice/singing lesson tonight at 8pm.

i finished doing ALL of my laundry and have started a pile of clothing to donate or give away.

celebrate the good things.

if you think YOU do something embarrassing, just...read on.

I have a really embarrassing confession to make. Like, I have literally never told anyone this, in my entire life. And god help me I hope I’m not alone in this. And even if I am, well, oh well.

More often than I’d like to admit I have conversations with myself in a mirror. But I’m not talking to myself. I imagine I’m talking to family friends, or (holy sweet baby jesus, why am I telling you this…) Bill’s family when I meet them (which won’t happen, but this is Fantasy Mirror Land, might as well embrace the crazy) and…I’m just talking about my life, or what I’m up to.

Of course it’s never reality. It’s me having hobbies and doing things that I’ve always wanted to do but been too scared or haven’t gotten my ass in gear.

Tonight, I was a girl who took dance classes for exercise (and yoga here and there). I took voice lessons and, with a musically inclined friend, helped Girl Scout troops earn arts and music badges once or twice a month. And of course had a regularly updated blog (HA) about her struggle to health and happiness (all while never giving the website – even Fantasy Mirror Land is like real life – no one in my real life knows the address and only three know I even have this blog)

And tonight, it smacked me in the face….excuse the language, but I really do love cursing, well, why the fuck can’t I be that person?

(also, I just realized Fantasy Mirror Land can be abbreviated FML. That...says...an unbelievable amount.)

What stops everyone? Fear, of course!

I don’t know where it comes from, but I have very real issues with and a fear of looking stupid – it’s the reason I despise karaoke, don’t really like dressing up for Halloween, and the worst of them all, ANY sort of audience participation. Like you know sometimes during musicals, cast members come down the aisles? I all but have a panic attack.

So…I don’t want to start things because I am so scared of being bad at them.  But we all know that’s bullshit; very few people are very good at things when they first start them – of course, my insecurity and irrationality know no bounds!

But hell, I am going to try. One of the things I will try quietly, and the other one, I’m recruiting you!

Singing/Voice lessons: I can count on one hand the number of people that have told me I have a nice voice, and many more than that have heard me sing – so I don’t know what that tells you. I know I don’t have the pipes of your Whitneys or your Christinas (but at least I know the words to the national anthem, hiyoooo!) but a softer, indie-ish kind of tone. I think. But I’m scared of failing and realizing that I really do suck at singing – because it gives me such pleasure to listen to a song and sing or hum along; it’s very calming for me. But I’m afraid of having real proof that I’m singing bad pointy daggers into the ears of my loved ones.

Tonight I found a voice teacher in my area and researched her and she seems legit – so I might pay for a few lessons and see what happens! I am terrified and happy…mostly terrified.

Dance/Yoga classes: I’m afraid of how I’ll look. Dancing and yoga is for skinny people! I’ll be honest – I have moves, I can dance fairly well and I LOVE to do it. But real classes with….people? That, my friends, is for…you know…real dancers. I’m just a chub with some rhythm. And yoga – besides the obvious farting in class – I am deeply afraid of looking stupid.

My gym already has dance and yoga classes, so…what I REALLY want there, (besides having the balls and motivation to actually GO more then the one time two weeks ago when I did Zumba…) is to have people to go with.

Connected to that, I want to get a community of DC bloggers, like myself, that are struggling with weight and exercise and all that (not necessarily struggling, but you know what I mean) to meet in person to just chat, laugh, maybe go for walks or do fun things*** – you know, like gym dance classes!

Anyone live in the DC area and belong to Fitness First?? The location on 19th (between K and L) Street NW has dance classes Tues-Thurs from 6:30-7:30. I want friends! BE FRIENDS WITH ME!

***We can go to musicals, too, but I will start crying if a grown man or woman dressed as an animal comes and writhes around on my lap. I will cry and then I will never talk to you again.

who doesn't love a girl complaining about boy problems?

Yeah, I keep saying I won’t talk about Bill. I’m gonna talk about Bill. Sigh. At some point I’m hoping my neuroses will be relatable.

I had an intense conversation with him yesterday. It’s a long complex thing that I could analyze til I’m blue in the face (and I’ve already been doing this, let’s be honest here) but…he loves me, but he can’t take “us” more serious until he knows what is going to happen next year when his middle east deal is up.

I owned up to my feelings, and now it’s time to face facts in some ways. There is a man who loves me, but is ultimately unavailable and may stay that way. The feelings are there, but he is thinking about work and grad school classes and getting his life on track.

Here’s the thing, I went through all of that last year. I started my career, I moved out on my own (okay, yes, with two roommates), I got a hell of a lot closer to the life I want. And so being in a relationship was the next thing that I wanted. And I actually found that someone! It took me 9-10 months of solid dating andso I’m still holding on so tightly because, I finally found him and I let him into that newer, better life and then he left and I’m still sad about these places in my life where he used to be.

So here’s what I WANT to say: I’m gonna take this conversation we had and put it in a box, wrap it up and slap a Don’t Take It Personally Bow on it, and put in away in the top shelf of my closet for now. And then put on a cute outfit from said closet and go out into the world and get what I want in the mean time.

(Neither Here Nor There, or NHNT: the outfit I’m wearing today has been described by a coworker as “Hot Cowgirl”)

Of course It’s one thing to write it, it’s another to believe it and truly clear my head and heartspace of him, while still wanting him in my life because he is important to me, and who knows what will happen. What I’m struggling with is… on the one hand, a relationship is something I want, and there is nothing wrong with that. And it’s my choice to put energy into something/someone I want. And god bless him, he loves me for me. I didn’t have to lose an ounce of weight for him to think I’m pretty or want the sexytimes with me.
(YEAHHH rarwrrrrr)

I am scared I won’t find that again in someone that I also find attractive, and also…It took me a solid 9-10 months of dating before I found him. I don’t want to have to go through that again (look, I know, I’m going through all of this for the first time ever, cut me a little slack) and I’m an incredibly impatient person, and it’s disheartening to look at that long road that is stretched out in front of me.

I don’t know how to end this entry. OR ANYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE, CLEARLY! :-P

caution: this isn't pretty.

Please excuse the disconnect and stream-of-consciousness…I just…need to work this out, or at least start to.

So – I’ve been a wreck lately. I’ve been getting takeout almost every night since last week, and of course it’s in no way healthy…I spent all weekend pretty much in my bed overeating. (I was at 225.6 last week. I’m sure I’m up from that.) I have also spent the past three days crying myself to sleep. Oh also, I cried prettttty much all day at work yesterday. The area underneath my eyes is completely raw from tissues and from my hands wiping away tears.

I feel lazy and unmotivated and incapable of doing any real work. I don’t want to work hard. I want to have everything handed to me. This includes love, work, and my health. I’m in a big “I hate myself” phase right now.

Something has to change, and I’m in a terrible frame of mind, and probably not the right one that could get me doing positive things for myself. I just feel myself sliding into this dark place and I don’t care enough about myself to get out.

I need SOMETHING. I need something to hold on to that’s my own. It was Bill. Then he left. Part of me still holds him accountable for my emotional saving and it’s not fair to him, nor is it fair to me because he isn’t up for the task. So even though we talk every other day or so while he’s overseas (in a place I can’t visit and the chance of us seeing each other is very slim) it’s hard because I want him to be more emotionally engaged that he is, which is pretty much impossible to do. But I don’t want to cut him out of my life, but I need to do something for me. I need to focus on me – and actually FOCUS on me, not say it and then five minutes later sit there and wonder why Bill says “love you” or “love love” instead of “I love you” and how that must mean he really doesn’t love me. YEAH, PEOPLE. THIS IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.

Work is a hot mess right now for reasons I can’t go into, but there’s a strong chance of layoffs and I’ll have to look for a new job come May or so.

Volunteering? Working during the day eliminates a lot of things I want to do (I used to be a Girl Scout and I would love to help out) and I emailed a Beagle Rescue organization about helping but they haven’t gotten back to me yet. I thought maybe I could volunteer or do something for a women’s health/weightloss clinic but I’ve been unlucky in my searches so far.

Bocce doesn’t start until April so I have to wait for that…and it's once a week but I am really looking forward to it.

I don’t have money to do much else, especially right now, so it’s hard to try and try hobbies or activities…. See? I just sit here and feel sorry for myself that I don’t make enough money, my job sucks the life out of me, and the man I let into my life is gone physically and in many ways emotionally.

I’m dicking around with my own life and I can’t climb out of this cycle. Honestly what I really want to go is start therapy but I can’t afford it, and my work insurance doesn’t cover it. I just feel so defeated and worthless. And crazy, too - going from "Let's DO IT, LIFE!" to "I HATE IT" in less than two weeks. How can I possibly make it through life, it’s too hard and I’m not good enough to do the hard work I know it takes.

headlights on dark roads - snow patrol

"I will reach out and take it....'cause I'm so tired of all this fear"

I still sort of feel like a phony with the blogging and the tweeting again. But I have been repeating to myself all day...health & happy, healthy & happy. That seems to help.

I went to Zumba tonight! I pride myself on being able to dance - I have rhythm and some moves, but...I was TERRIBLE at it! But that's okay, it was fun; I'm looking forward to going back and getting better. And it's fun to sort of treat it like dance class, too. And I really like the instructor, she was cool. So yay! Now to see if I am sore tomorrow...

The eats of the day (side note: this is so sad....but I ate ALL THREE meals at work today. So...unfortunate) were pretty good!

Packet of emergen-c with water (I wouldn’t list it, but it is technically 25 calories, and if it has calories, it gets mentioned!)

Breakfast: pomegranate Chobani, half of a whole wheat bagel thin with PB&Co The Bees Knees peanut butter...the best peanut butter in our solar system.

Lunch: an orange! (I cannot remember the last time I had an orange…), and a sandwich: trader joe’s multi-grain bread, half a laughing cow wedge, one slice white American cheese, a few ounces of low-sodium turkey breast, and a slice and a half of avocado

Snack: chocolate peppermint stick luna bar

Dinner: Spa Lean Cuisine, Apple Cranberry Chicken

And lots of water and a cup or two of green tea.

I feel good. I feel good that I'm doing good things for myself. I am still having a lot of trouble with Bill (CRAP THERE GOES THE BAN...didn't even last one. freaking. day.) and looking for his praise to guide how I'm feeling. I need to fix this. I hope it comes with practice, and with time. I want to be able to do it without having to cut him out of my life...it's not his fault I have low self-esteem and he can't live up to my unrealistic expectations and constant need for validation...if it wasn't him it'd be someone else. It needs to be ME for once. I think this is going to take just as much work as losing weight...

healthy and happy...healthy and happy.

I have to write to supplement my attempts at talking.

I'm bad at talking to you. Case and point:

Okay there used to be a video here - but I'm dumb and can't figure out its formatting with the new blog template - here is the link to the YouTube video! My channel! All two videos! http://www.youtube.com/user/100in12

Point the first: CHINZ I HAZ THEM.
Point the second: Maybe I'll get better at talking. Maaaaybe.

So, what AM I talking about, exactly?

I'm sick of myself, the way I am now. Right now I'm still clinging to Bill**, we'll call him (that is not his real name), the guy I was dating last year that left a few weeks ago to work overseas for a year as a contractor. It's a long story that isn't worth telling, really...but here are the major points: We went on our first date in September, in December we really started spending a lot more time together, and on New Years he said I Love You, (I love/d him too) and he left on the 14th of January. (I knew this going in, he had already applied to the job before we met, and found out he got it like 2 weeks after our first date) He's going to be in a middle-eastern country for a year, and he doesn't know what he wants to do afterwards, which includes potentially NOT coming back to the DC area. We're keeping in touch and he tells me he loves me, that he misses me, and that I mean a lot to him....but as far as I know we aren't together. He's a great guy, and he cares about me, but his head is ultimately somewhere else.

I lost myself, I'll admit it. I lived for his validation. I still kind of feel like I do, even though he's far away. But I need to really make the effort to let go. I still love him, and want to continue to do so, but I need to get back to myself. I need hobbies, for goodness' sake!

Fun stuff coming up this summer that I referenced:

*A week in Prague and London for a high school friend's wedding
*A week in California for my godbrother's wedding
*My 10 year high school reunion! EEPS!

So like I said, some things that I want to feel happy for. I deserve to be happy and healthy, but it's going to take some work. We all know this.

Tuesday through Thursdays at my gym (yeah...the one I haven't been to since July of 2010...) at 6:30 they have dance/exercise classes. Tuesdays are hip hop, Wednesdays are Cardio Dance, and Thursdays are Zumba. I'm going. I'M GOING TO THESE.

I also have a Living Social deal for one month of unlimited Bikram yoga at this one studio on the Hill. I haven't used it yet...I'm working up the courage - I'm absolutely scared to go, being so large. I'm afraid I will pass out or vomit in front of a room full of strangers. I have to start it by March, so time's ticking on this one!

I have been better in the past week with eating. Vegetables. Cooking, not eating out. It hasn't been perfect, but it's better. Drinking water, taking vitamins...eating deliberately.

That's what I want. To get healthy and happy. For me.

(**NOTE: This is the last time I will talk about him..I'm banning it from this blog and my general everyday conversation topics...unless he ends up doing something SUPER out-of-character-romantic...which won't happen.)