Went to the gym today. 40 minutes on the treadmill. 2.25 miles. About 5 total minutes were jogging. But I kept all of them at 5mph or above (I did 30 seconds on 5.3 and I probably could have pushed it out to a minute) and an incline of 1, which was higher than the last time I jogged at 5mph (I did it with no incline). So there was a little progress. I was definitely sweaty at the end of it. Happy that I pushed to 40 minutes, ‘cause around 25 I didn’t want to be on that damn contraption anymore. But I wanted to do weights less than I wanted to stay on the treadmill, so I made my decision :-P
Throughout the day The Matriarch would ask me questions about what I did at the gym, or how often I went, or what not. I know she wants to talk to me about that kind of stuff (not in a preachy way) like fitness and healthy eating, but…I’m still hesitant. I still feel burnt from the emotions I felt all of these years previous. It’s like I walk into the room automatically defensive. It’s just hard to shake the overwhelming shame I felt from my college graduation, and whether or not it’s right, I attribute those feelings with The Family. And, you know, if I were in a different place with myself emotionally, I bet I would view this situation totally differently. The Matriarch would come off supportive and interested and proud of my efforts. But since I’m sure I’m partly projecting my own self-judgments onto her, she sort of plays the villain unjustifiably.
I also notice that my mom is really singing my praises. Telling The Matriarch what a good cook I am, and various other compliments. I think she knows how I’m feeling, maybe not the full scope, but I think she gets the gist of it.
I’m lucky I have her. And my friends for being amazing and keeping me positive and not imploding on myself from destructive emotions. And maybe even I’m lucky for myself. Because I’m doing this for me and though I did make a few compromises in my dinner tonight, I still left and went to the gym today, even though I knew it would bring attention to me and “what I’m doing”. But I did it anyway because it matters. And I’ll go tomorrow because it matters.
Now, onto food!
*Cup of cottage cheese (so happy to have this back!!)
*Toasted Arnold’s Sandwich Thin with 2 tbsp peanut butter
*banana (half of which was sliced on the AST and PB
*Can of V8
Big breakfast! But it was nice and filling.
*Lettuce wraps: 1/3 a cup chicken, three leaves of romaine lettuce, 2 tbsp soy sauce, 1 oz crushed dry roasted peanuts
*Glass of milk
Really good! Though I think I could do with less soy sauce next time.
*salad with tzatziki sauce as dressing
*green beans (cooked in water, salt, bacon)
*individual meatloaf from Ina Garten (Barefoot Contessa)
*individual potato gratin
Good dinner, but I was a little worried about the meatloaf. First of all, it was AMAZING and I really had to reign myself in. I had about half, and I just put the ingredients in the Spark People recipe calculator, and it came out to 430 calories per loaf. So I’d say I had about 215-230 calories on the meatloaf. And I’m pretty sure the potato gratin thing didn’t spare any calories either. And I wasn’t a big fan of the way the green beans were cooked, because of the bacon. But I did my best to focus on the salad, and the green beans even though who knows what their nutritional value were at that point. And since my mom served us all, I had 2 of the potato things on my plate and I ate one. I had a lot left on my plate. I think I made a good compromise to respect my mom and eat her food in front of our guests, but also hold to my own goals.
We watched The Biggest Loser tonight. Don’t read this if you haven’t seen it yet!!!
Good ep! I go back and forth on Tracy tonight. Sometimes I feel like she really is a little nuts and vindictive and I totally bought into the way the show played it out. Maybe some stuff can be attributed to editing, but ultimately you contribute to your image. But, most every TV show, especially a reality show, needs a villain. And it’s also often the nature of people to find a common enemy to unite themselves against, even when it’s unwarranted. (see: Me, The Matriarch!) Think about this – what would have happened if Antoine won the cupcake challenge? He would have had that responsibility and who knows what he would have done.
Though that’s a pretty weak argument considering how he *SPOILER* sacrificed himself along with Sean for the sake of Shay and Daniel. How sweet and emotional was that!? And HOW GREAT was it that he lost so much weight and is in a relationship with Alexandra!? Love it. They were sweet together.
**OKAY, NO MORE SPOILERY STUFF**
This show really makes me want to get going. I finished watching the episode and I am raring to go get to that gym and do cardio and weights tomorrow morning. And seeing that flashback of Daniel running for five minutes, makes me think that, YEAH, I should be able to do that too. And I think I can, I just need to get out of my head, or get in my head differently.
Well! Now I have to wind myself down after getting so hyped up. I should make it a rule to watch the show right before I go to the gym. That would really pack a punch.