healthy and happy. one of these days.

30 December 2012

12-30 and new years blues

so this is what i've had to eat so far today. i'm pretty proud of it considering i've been stewing and my stomach churning which turns into compulsive eating has been blaring for the past few hours.

i might have another little something in a couple of hours, but we'll just put this up for now.

breakfast: 1/2 cup cottage cheese with red seedless grapes.

lunch: 4 oz chicken breast sliced with about 4 tbsp tzatziki sauce on whole grain bread, a cup of trader joe's creamy corn and roasted red pepper soup

(i ended up eating that apple a few hours later, as a snack)

dinner (i guess?) - i was hungry for dinner already but it was way too early - so i thought i might break it up into two smaller meals that could be combined into one (but we'll see if i have that second one, i don't really know what i feel like eating)

anyway, this is a couple tbsp of sour cream, salsa, and 4-5 oz of shredded chicken breast, with 1/2 cup mozz cheese (i would have used a different kind if i had any) with a little sprinkling of the following: chipotle pepper, paprika, cumin.

it was REAL good.


so, here's me, today. i've been working on cleaning up my apartment today, doing laundry, getting some cooking done, and the tv has been tuned into football all day. it's my kind of sunday. but i'm a little bit sad because i would really like to be sharing it with someone.

the holidays, especially new years, are hard to spend alone. and feeling lonely isn't good for making healthy choices. if you look at the "feeeeeeeeeeelings" link, you'll see how i was feeling today. i wanted to go over to my parents' house and eat like ALL of their hotdogs and potato chips and diet soda. i've made the decision to not go over there, because i don't want to compulsively eat. even though i do. but i don't. you know what i mean.

i was even to the point of feeling sentimental towards the last person i dated - i still think about him all the time, even though it's been a year since we've spoken at all, and about two years since i physically saw him. but when he's the first man to tell you he loves you, that tends to stick, even if he was a very selfish person that made me feel less than i deserved.  and i know it's likely that i miss the IDEA of him rather than him itself, but it doesn't make it any easier necessarily, because i'm still sitting here missing something.

and here's the thing. i'm funny, affectionate, a good cook and a better baker, i'm kind, i've got a decent face that i actually like, i'm smart, i live by myself and i have a great job (even if it does stress me out). and it drives me bonkers that all of that isn't enough for ME. those qualities are only valuable in the context of a man showing interest in me?

it's a difficult line to walk when you're trying to improve yourself, and just be okay with who you are, but also genuinely wanting to share your life with someone. i miss affection, i miss quiet nights together, i miss feeling wanted and cared for (not like, friends and family cared for, you know what i mean).

i know i'm also very impatient when it comes to things i want, so even though i've been doing really great these past three weeks with eating and taking care of myself, i want to speed things up and just get smaller so i can look better to the opposite sex, already. and it doesn't help that i'll be 30 in six months.

and i'm not deliberately doing anything to put myself out there in the dating world, because i know better. i need to be focusing on myself, but that doesn't make me feel any less lonely sometimes.


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