healthy and happy. one of these days.

04 September 2009

The origins of 100in12

I think I need to explain myself a bit. I’m trying to stay anonymous for a while – just because I’m not comfortable attaching a weight and considerable emotional issues to a face, not quite yet. Though I’m gonna try and put up one or two face-less body pictures soon…I can’t find my camera, which is a fairly important part of taking pictures. Anyway, who I am isn’t really important, but maybe it’s important to give you an idea of myself so that you know where I’m coming from.

I’m in my twenties, at the age when you shouldn’t live at your parents’ house anymore – and I do. I think that is the cause of 90% of my emotional issues right now – my parents are amazing and supportive, but I project my own shortcomings onto them and spend a good portion of the day in my room, hiding. It’s not their fault – they’re great – I know I’m acting poorly. Which irritates me even further. Cycles, you are the worst.

I’m trying to move out, though. I mentioned this earlier, but I’ve been unemployed for nine months. I quit my job two years ago to go back to school and get a post-graduate degree in something about which I am incredibly passionate. I had the time of my life in school, excelled and even spent time abroad. I graduated in January 2009, right as the economy tanked; that combined with what I suspect is not enough professional experiences has landed me here.

When I quit my job I was in the middle of a weight loss journey that was actually going really well, and it continued as I obtained my degree. I lost roughly 60 pounds, and I was happy about where I was heading professionally and in terms of my health.

And, as I’ve said, then I graduated and my phone didn’t ring. Like, ever. I’ve been volunteering in a few places to try and gain some experience, but still, nine months later, nothing. I’ve let it get to me in really poor ways. Spending nights thinking about how many Tylenol PMs it would take to sleep and not wake up, and spending days eating myself silly. Oh, before I go any further, please don’t be alarmed about the whole “suicidal thoughts” thing. Nights are bad for me, I would never actually do it. Seriously, I wouldn’t. I was just letting all the negative thoughts get to me, and there are a lot of them sometimes.

Anyway, for me, the worst part has been the eating. And so, I’ve gained back every pound I lost, plus a couple extra, just for funsies, I guess. It’s humiliating and depressing and wears me out just thinking about doing it all over again.

I know it’s important to actually care about yourself if you really want the results to last, so I’m trying to balance taking care of myself mentally as well as physically. It’s so easy for me to “default” back to treating myself poorly (both mentally and physically) and I’m really trying not to. Granted, it’s like my fourth day of this weight loss attempt, but at this point every day feels like seven. And a day at a time is really all I can do, anyway. Time space continuum, and all.

So here I am, trying.

1 comment:

100togo said...

Hi! I just ran across your name in a post by "Ex-Hot Girl," listing you as her 100th post. I am interested in your blog, and look forward to reading more. I, too, just started a blog in August, and want to lose 100 lbs. I understand about wanting to be anonymous ... I too, don't want to take any pictures. I just can't face the pictures and the measurements. I know what I weigh, and that's all the knowledge I can handle right now.

Well, take care and have a good night. The blog is great, and I intend to read it through soon.

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