the last day of 2012

hi guys. thought i'd get breakfast/lunch/snack in, since i have a busy rest of the day!

breakfast was the usual, 1/2 cup cottage cheese and red seedless grapes.

*i don't have lunch pictured, b/c i was eating with coworkers, but i had a trader joe's reduced guilt macaroni and cheese frozen meal, and a small plate of salad with maybe 1-2 tbsp italian dressing (the office had a pizza party. i brought my own main dish but did have some of the salad they ordered)

...and i am currently wolfing this snack down, to try and get some energy in my before i go to the gym in about 30 minutes. crappy lighting, but i think you can still make out the gala apple all chopped up, with however much peanut butter that is (pb&co's mighty maple, natch)

i'm off to reston (about 40 mins from where i live) for new years at a friend's place - there will be about 8 of us ringing in the new year together. we're having a potluck, playing games, drinking (obvi) and wearing sparkly headbands!

**my prediction is that it'll start out with just the girls wearing them, but at some point, the menfolk will have had enough drinks and there will be a photoshoot with dudes in sparkly headbands. i've known these people for 15 years, i'm pretty sure it's going to happen. and i can't wait.**

12-30 part two

this is a full piece of naan with some smartbalance butter.

real talk, i am stress-eating this because the redskins-cowboys game is killing me. (i am a lifelong redskins fan)

12-30 and new years blues

so this is what i've had to eat so far today. i'm pretty proud of it considering i've been stewing and my stomach churning which turns into compulsive eating has been blaring for the past few hours.

i might have another little something in a couple of hours, but we'll just put this up for now.

breakfast: 1/2 cup cottage cheese with red seedless grapes.

lunch: 4 oz chicken breast sliced with about 4 tbsp tzatziki sauce on whole grain bread, a cup of trader joe's creamy corn and roasted red pepper soup

(i ended up eating that apple a few hours later, as a snack)

dinner (i guess?) - i was hungry for dinner already but it was way too early - so i thought i might break it up into two smaller meals that could be combined into one (but we'll see if i have that second one, i don't really know what i feel like eating)

anyway, this is a couple tbsp of sour cream, salsa, and 4-5 oz of shredded chicken breast, with 1/2 cup mozz cheese (i would have used a different kind if i had any) with a little sprinkling of the following: chipotle pepper, paprika, cumin.

it was REAL good.

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so, here's me, today. i've been working on cleaning up my apartment today, doing laundry, getting some cooking done, and the tv has been tuned into football all day. it's my kind of sunday. but i'm a little bit sad because i would really like to be sharing it with someone.

the holidays, especially new years, are hard to spend alone. and feeling lonely isn't good for making healthy choices. if you look at the "feeeeeeeeeeelings" link, you'll see how i was feeling today. i wanted to go over to my parents' house and eat like ALL of their hotdogs and potato chips and diet soda. i've made the decision to not go over there, because i don't want to compulsively eat. even though i do. but i don't. you know what i mean.

i was even to the point of feeling sentimental towards the last person i dated - i still think about him all the time, even though it's been a year since we've spoken at all, and about two years since i physically saw him. but when he's the first man to tell you he loves you, that tends to stick, even if he was a very selfish person that made me feel less than i deserved.  and i know it's likely that i miss the IDEA of him rather than him itself, but it doesn't make it any easier necessarily, because i'm still sitting here missing something.

and here's the thing. i'm funny, affectionate, a good cook and a better baker, i'm kind, i've got a decent face that i actually like, i'm smart, i live by myself and i have a great job (even if it does stress me out). and it drives me bonkers that all of that isn't enough for ME. those qualities are only valuable in the context of a man showing interest in me?

it's a difficult line to walk when you're trying to improve yourself, and just be okay with who you are, but also genuinely wanting to share your life with someone. i miss affection, i miss quiet nights together, i miss feeling wanted and cared for (not like, friends and family cared for, you know what i mean).

i know i'm also very impatient when it comes to things i want, so even though i've been doing really great these past three weeks with eating and taking care of myself, i want to speed things up and just get smaller so i can look better to the opposite sex, already. and it doesn't help that i'll be 30 in six months.

and i'm not deliberately doing anything to put myself out there in the dating world, because i know better. i need to be focusing on myself, but that doesn't make me feel any less lonely sometimes.

sigh.

12-29

i got through it (so far, it's only about 7:30 right now) - another weekend, another hotbed of opportunities to compulsively eat. it's crazy how i didn't think about it a single bit this week, but then it's the weekend and i had "those feelings" again. i suppose i felt a little bit stronger than previous weeks, but, they're still there. luckily, a VERY long nap and a quick grocery store outing (ahem, trader joe's) helped to alleviate the thoughts.

anyhoodle, here's the 411 on the eats today. you know, if it were 1997 and that's how i talked.

breakfast:

two eggs, two apple maple chicken sausage links, and a crapload of grapes.

protip: when you ask your parents to pick you up some grapes from costco, BE READY TO EAT A LOT OF GRAPES.

post-gym snack (i did week 2 day 3 of c25k today) - gala apple and however much peanut butter that is

lunch: paneer tikka masala with half a piece of naan

dinner: 4-5 oz chicken with stir fry mix! (made with light olive oil and a little bit of soy sauce)

12-28

just eatin' mah dinner and bloggin'. on a friday night. i know, i know. i AM that cool.

since i AM that cool, we'll start backwards. dinner first! that's about 5 oz of chicken breast with trader joe's fresh stir fry mix, made with a little bit of lite olive oil and soy sauce. (yep, even the soy sauce is trader joe's brand. so is the chicken. ...i have a sickness.)

moving backwards, before my gym session with the trainer, i ate part of the starbucks' protein box - just the grapes, hard boiled egg and cheese. and yes, i did sprinkle that salt on the egg as i ate it, sodium be damned. some things are worth it, and that is one of them. the starbucks cup is filled with their spearmint green tea.

back, back  back it up: lunch was a (GASP OF ALL GASPS) trader joe's paneer tikka masala meal with half a piece of their tandoori naan.

finally, breakfast was remarkably trader joe's free, for once. a cup of coffee with half and half a fage yogurt cup and an apple (HAHA, WAIT - just as i wrote that, i realized, i got the apple AND the half and half from trader joe's. seriously, i go there once a week. EVERYTHING IS AMAZING)

do you think i can get a "jared the subway guy" type-deal from trader joe's? because, seriously. like everything i eat is from there.

i hope everyone has a fun and safe weekend!

12-27 wrap up

for dinner, as i mentioned earlier, i had thai takeout with friends. i got what i had scoped out on the menu, the "spicy garden" with tofu added. according to the description: "Sauteed mixed fresh vegetables in a spicy bean sauce" - and then i added tofu, because, delicious. the veggies were baby corn, cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, i think i maybe saw an onion possibly, and mushrooms.

it was probably two servings but i ate the entire thing because i was starving - it had been about 7 hours since i last ate, poor planning on my part. but at least it was all veggies (and tofu).

oh and i drank about half of a diet coke, but mostly just drank water.

i also did week 2 day 2 of c25k today. it was much easier today than it was yesterday. tomorrow will be a session with the trainer, so that'll be....challenging, as it always is.

12-27-12 so far

i wanted to get this stuff in so far today, because i have a long (but fun!) rest of my day and i won't be at my computer for quite a while.

breakfast: 1/2 cup cottage cheese, and red seedless grapes, and a cup of coffee (caribou blend with half and half)

lunch: trader joe's harvest salad with grilled chicken (grilled chicken, green beans, corn, with dijon vinagrette...and the cheese and half a hard boiled egg i eat separately, because, OM NOM NOM)

and that's it so far today. i'm leaving work in about an hour to go meet my dearest lady friends at a bridal salon - we're all bridesmaids in a wedding next year (two weddings, actually, but that's neither here nor there) and we're trying on some dresses. and then heading back to the bride's apartment to meet back up with the men-folk and get some thai takeout and enjoy each other's company :)

(and yes, i already scoped out the menu, and there's a spicy veggie dish that looks like it might get the job done)

as an added bonus, i took a picture of one of my office desk drawers. my coworkers make fun of me for the mini-CVS i have going. but who do they come to when they need cold medicine or band-aids?! THIS GAL.

among other things, that's four different kinds of vitamins, allergy/sinus meds, brush, toothbrush/toothpaste, floss, makeup, lotion, deodorant, and YES, even a measuring cup. and yeah there's some candy in there too but i haven't touched that in weeks. i figure it's for coworker-emergencies now :)

12-26 wrap up, and, a brief conversation

so i bought new running/gym shoes today, because my old ones were giving me craaazy hurtz in my arches. once i had a pair selected (with the help of the store guy), i asked:

me: so what's their shelf-life?

store guy: they say about 400-450 miles

me: HAHAHA, SO, FOREVER?

store guy: ..........

me: .................

store guy: probably 8 months to a year?

me: sounds good.

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lunch: trader joe's bistro salad (kale, edamame, scallions, dried cranberries, toasted almond slivers, and a lemon herb dressing)

snack: fage greek yogurt with strawberry goji

dinner: stir fry with 2 eggs scrambled, with sriracha (the stir fry was made with a little light olive oil and a tbsp or two of soy sauce)

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also, i did day one, week 2 of c25k. with  my new shoes! and it was hard. really hard. the final interval, i ran for 15 seconds, caved and walked for 30 seconds, before i finished the final 45 seconds of running. to make myself feel better, i tacked on an extra minute of running after i finished the walking portion and some of my cool down. i can't leave well enough alone.

but i'm happy i went to the gym, and started the second week of c25k, even if it did kick my ass.

by the way, part two

i totally caved. i looked.

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the good: it's not as high as i thought it would be.

the bad: 247.4

the good: i'm back on track so far today**, and it feels pretty easy.

the bad: i haven't exercised since last thursday.

the good: **so far today:

cup of pumpkin spice coffee with half and half, and 1/2 cup of cottage cheese with however many red seedless grapes that is.

the bad: i totally should have titled last/this post "by the WEIGH" - how did i miss that opportunity?!

the good: i'm feeling better about myself these days.

the bad: christmas sometimes feels lonely for me . once i got the taste of dating someone during the holidays (that was all the way back in 2010) it's hard to go from that to back to single again. even if i feel better about myself, it still isn't fun to not have someone to go home to. i find christmas lights extremely romantic, damnit!

the good: the gift i got my parents made my mom cry :) granted, she's a crier, so i could have made her a macaroni necklace and she probably would have welled up, but, still.  :) happy christmas!

by the way...

last tuesday, i weighed myself and i was at 244. i'm afraid to check this week. i know it will be higher, since, at the very least, my carb intake has gone up so much since saturday.

so, i'm curious to see what it is, but i'm also afraid of shaming myself. i want to stay on top of it but i don't want to place too much emphasis on it. i want to see the damage done but i also DON'T want to see the damage done.

what would you do?

the rest of 12-24 and 12-25!

well, once again, no pictures. i would say i took a break with healthy eating, especially today.

so rounding up christmas eve, last night for dinner, we went to our family friends' house and i had:

(appetizers) crackers, cheese, dip (i would say 10 crackers maybe, with as many slices of cheese? maybe less? i'm not sure)
two glasses of champagne

dinner: glass of red wine, and a piece of beef tenderloin (5-6 oz probably?) 2/3 a cup of mashed potatoes, spinach salad, and broccoli casserole. i *think* that was it...i feel like i'm missing something though.

the dessert i mentioned yesterday? i had two bites that i stole from my family friend's plate ;-) it was more like, we said we'd share, and i made him eat most of it. i feel/felt fine about it.

12/25

breakfast: coffee with milk, and i had half of a cinnamon bun (non-iced), and two eggs over-medium with ketchup.

lunch: two hot dogs (in potato bread buns) with ketchup, and like 3 handfuls of kettle cooked potato chips with ranch dressing, and a diet root beer

"snack" aka "a relapse in compulsive eating": sad nachos, made with white corn tortilla strips and mexican four cheese blend, and a diet coke. even as i was eating it, i knew it was wholly unnecessary and out of boredom.

right before dinner, i ALMOST had a slice of the leftover pie from yesterday, but i changed my mind. i had one sole white chocolate peppermint m&m instead. shrug.

dinner: beef stroganoff with about 1/2 cup "dirty" rice, with about 1 cup of the beef/sauce part. and julienned carrots with basil and butter, romaine lettuce/cucumber/avocado salad with poppyseed dressing, and two crescent rolls.

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i had a wonderful christmas day, and i am hoping that tomorrow i won't feel too out of sorts about going back to salads, healthy things, a LOT less carbs, etc. thankfully I still feel okay about no/very little sugar so i don't anticipate that being a problem. also, mind you, i am fully aware that alcohol often can have a fair bit of sugar, but, i'm fine to just restrict myself on desserts :)

12-24 lunch

a coworker was nice enough to treat the few of us in the office today for lunch! this is panera's fuji apple chicken salad.

12-23 and 12-24 so far

i have NO pictures from yesterday! and apologies for the lack of posting, but i was over at my parents house all day (and spent the night there) and didn't have access to a computron to get all this up. but i can tell you what i ate:

breakfast/lunch: bologna and cheese sandwich (3 slices cheese/bologna, mayo, lettuce, 2 slices whole grain bread) with progresso chicken and corn chowder soup

snack: about a cup of goldfish

dinner: grilled cheese with ham, about 10-15 tater tots.

also i had like 3 or 4 diet root beers throughout the course of the day. and only one bottle of water. i almost feel worse about the soda than i do the food. the thing i know i overdid was the sandwich - i didn't need 3 slices of each thing.

i'm still pleased i avoided the sugary stuff in the house (aspartame-ridden diet soda aside) - there is SO much of it. white chocolate peppermint m&ms, like 3 different kinds of cookies, candy canes, etc. my mom already told me what tonight's dessert will be (peppermint ice cream pie, with an oreo cookie crust) and THAT is going to be tough to avoid. peppermint flavored things are my favorite. i'm still on the fence about whether or not i'll have any.

my mom also already told me that my stocking** will be filled with candy. but that i can just leave at their house, i don't have to take it with me. or bring it into the office, or something.

anyway, on to today. the crappy thing is that i have to be at work until 2pm. but the good news is that i can at least have a morning/afternoon back on track.

breakfast was yet again, a gala apple and 1-2 tbsp of peanut butter (pb&co's mighty maple) on whole grain bread, and a cup of coffee with half and half.

i also tweeted this picture. just because i'm AT work on christmas eve, doesn't mean i'm doing any :D

** what traditions do you and your family have for what goes into your stockings? in my family, it's always been whatever you can find at CVS. basically that means toiletries, and candy. and for some reason we've also always gotten a piece of fruit at the bottom of our stockings. ...that none of us ever eat. but we get it every year. not sure why my mom santa still does it. :D

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

12-22-12

but only with one picture. i get self-conscious taking pictures of my food when i'm around other people. not that taking pictures of your food in public is a completely foreign thing, but...meh. i get self-conscious about pretty much everything when it's related to food and diet, whaddya gonna do. so to supplement the lack of today's food pictures, i'll give you some other fun ones.

but first, today's food.

so my breakfast was a cup of cottage cheese and a chicken apple maple sausage. 

lunch: (but really brunch...but can you have brunch if you had a real breakfast?) was at clyde's with a dear friend of mine, in the city. we went to see the roy lichtenstein exhibit at the national gallery of art, and then had brunch! i got the brunch burrito - which i believe had eggs, chorizo, cheese, black beans, in a flour tortilla with sour cream and tomatillo sauce. it was BANGIN' but i have zero idea of the nutritional value.

"dinner" was party food at another friend's house - her 30th birthday is today and we went over to her house to celebrate. her parents made a TON of food, so i ate: 3 dumplings (2 steamed, one pan-fried), about 5 chic-fil-a nuggets, about a cup of rice noodles, 2 shrimp, and two coke zeros. again, delicious, but not entirely sure of the caloric outcome.

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what i *am* happy about, is that i declined all of the millions of desserts at this party. cheesecake, cheesecake bites, tiramisu, key lime pie, about four different kinds of cookies...also at brunch, instead of bringing bread for the table, they bring coffee cake. and i didn't have any of that, either.

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additional food photos:

sweet potato quinoa cakes with blackberry salsa, and kale chips. i made this a few months ago, it was SO good.

i also made some bangin' deviled eggs. also i love my little bird timer in the background. he's pretty adorbs.

this was from my vacation in california, in august. i had my morning coffee, was sitting in a lounge chair reading game of thrones (the 4th one, at the time), wearing pajamas, and i was in california. life was pretty perfect.

i made this ombre fruit tray for a work breakfast. i felt like i won pinterest with this.

12-21-12

not much else to say other than, i did get a little hungry and eat-eat-eat for dinner tonight. the calories are okay, though. the whole day adds up to 1810, give or take. i'm okay with a day like that, being on the higher end of what i prefer to have. nothing detrimental, and still no sugar :)

breakfast: i really need to get a new breakfast. gala apple and 1-2 tbsp of peanut butter (pb&co's mighty maple)

lunch: trader joe's harvest salad with grilled chicken (the two cubes of cheese come in the salad but i like to eat them separately, because..mmm, cheese.)

snack: fage yogurt, with cherry flavored...stuff.

dinner: trader joe's paneer tikka masala with garlic naan (also from trader joe's)

"dessert" aka "laura was still hungry": 9 shumai dumplings with crab

12-20 in total

thought i would change it up and just put everything in one post. so here we go!

breakfast: same as yesterday, gala apple and 1-2 tbsp of peanut butter (pb&co's mighty maple)

lunch: trader joe's (BIG SURPRISE) bistro salad - with kale, edamame, scallions, dried cranberries, toasted almond slivers, and a lemon herb dressing. and i added about 4-5 oz of chicken breast. b/c that's how i roll.

snack: coffee with half and half, if you even count that as a snack

snack #2: fage yogurt - this was good! i didn't use all of the jelly part, b/c i know that's where the sugar is!

dinner: i hope you don't think it's gross, but - two over easy eggs, 3-4 oz salmon, with sriracha on top. it's good! 

and finally, because, i have to mention trader joe's like seventeen million times a day, trader joe's sparkling water, lemon flavor! i lurrrrve it. this liter (litre?) is only 79 cents! say what! 

update on yesterday's public display of emotion: i made it through tonight's training session, though it was still difficult..but it's always going to be. and thank goodness, this week is almost over. if there's an equivalent of emotional crawling, that's what i'm doing through tomorrow at 5:30pm. and soon i can enjoy a little bit time off (but not much) for christmas next week and enjoy some general merriment with friends and family. 

12-19 wrap up, this time, with tears!

*glass of milk in my hokies cup
*two over-medium eggs with however much sriracha that is

(note on egg cooking: are they technically "fried" eggs if you cook them with just Pam? i feel like when i say fried egg, it means i doused it in oil, but...it's just Pam. i'm never sure how to describe it.)

and finally, your "wow, i'm glad i'm not her" moment of the day:

i had an appointment with my trainer tonight. he is always pushing and pushing and if i actually do something well, he just makes me do more. essentially his goal is to make me struggle. all. of. the. time. (realtalk: i appreciate this, and i like it. even though i also hate it, and spent most of the day in fear, like i do every appointment day) so tonight. tonight was...not great. i was whiny, tired, i stopped constantly, i think i only did one set/move without stopping. my trainer stopped the session early, took me into the office, and sat me down. he looked at me and said "what's wrong? tell me what's going on, because you're not like this"

and that's when i burst into tears.

work is incredibly overwhelming and stressful right now, and every day (especially now) i've been funneling almost all of my mental and emotional strength into just getting through each day and putting at least a semi-respectable dent into my to-do list, which is ever-growing. and so when the appointment rolls around, and my trainer is being hard on me, i am physically tired, yes, but i'm more emotionally/mentally tired and tonight i just didn't have anything left to keep myself going.

he told me "i'm hard on you because i believe in you". and i'm thankful that he's hard on me, because that's how i'll get stronger - that's how i'll achieve. i just didn't have the heart to deal with the struggle tonight. and so i cried. and then i went to shower and change, and i cried in the shower. it was actually fairly pathetic, but there you have it. i am really emotionally exhausted tonight.

the good news is that i'm not taking it out on my eating. the bad news is that i have to go back to the trainer tomorrow night, and i just don't have the slightest idea of how it's going to go.

12-19 lunch

coffee with half and haf, because i can't get enough.

trader joe's field fresh chopped salad (grilled chicken, israeli couscous, currants, asiago cheese, toasted pecans with sweet basil dressing) OM NOM NOM TIMES INFINITY

12-19 bkfst

gala apple, 1 piece of trader joe's 100% whole grain fiber bread, with 1-2tbsp* peanut butter & co PB, mighty maple flavor

and yeah, i took a bite of it before i took the picture. and yeah, i clearly buy a lot of things from trader joe's. they're just so good! especially their breads. i can identify all of the ingredients. i like that.

*i always have trouble judging how much a tbsp is. can't wrap my head around it. i should start going by coolio's measurements and refer to it as a dime bag**.

**are you wondering where i'm getting that from? oh, because THIS EXISTS.

12-18 wrap up

i also forgot to add earlier that i drank a cup of coffee with half and half. didn't take a picture. but i'm pretty sure you know what that looks like.

for (a lazy woman's) dinner:

salmon with lemon-dill sauce, a fage blueberry acai yogurt thaaang.

*yep, "thaaaaang". i know what you're thinking, and no, contrary to popular belief i don't work in fage's marketing department currently.

(also look at the expiration date on the yogurt! that's forever from now! i thought i read somewhere that basically the longer the shelf life, the more preservatives? well F*$K if i care, this yogurt is awesome. again, no i really don't work for fage's marketing department. i clearly should though.)